1 00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:26,170 Barbara. 2 00:00:29,981 --> 00:00:31,319 Barbara. 3 00:00:34,503 --> 00:00:35,655 Barbara? 4 00:00:35,681 --> 00:00:36,949 So, you're... 5 00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:40,196 - holding each other's breasts... - Boobs, yeah. 6 00:00:40,222 --> 00:00:41,725 And then you leaned in 7 00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:45,433 and stared into each other's eyes and it just... happened. 8 00:00:45,459 --> 00:00:47,648 - Yeah. Basically, but then this morning... - Wait. 9 00:00:48,514 --> 00:00:49,733 Was that it? 10 00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:52,027 Just... just kissing? 11 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,320 No, I mean, we did everything. 12 00:00:53,345 --> 00:00:55,030 And when you say everything... 13 00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:57,105 We went down on each other, we fingered each other. 14 00:00:57,131 --> 00:01:01,144 I mean, she can't finger me, but I moved my vagina around on her... hand, kind of. 15 00:01:01,170 --> 00:01:03,789 The issue is that this morning, I wake up and she's not talking to me. 16 00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:05,749 She's gone. She's not there anymore. 17 00:01:05,774 --> 00:01:07,429 We're supposed to finish this script. 18 00:01:08,015 --> 00:01:11,507 I want you to go back and examine what you just said. 19 00:01:12,322 --> 00:01:16,844 You did everything. 20 00:01:16,869 --> 00:01:19,567 Jesus, Rima, we fucked. I mean, what do you want me to say? 21 00:01:19,593 --> 00:01:22,265 - We made love, whatever. - Made love? 22 00:01:24,543 --> 00:01:25,727 There we go. 23 00:01:26,195 --> 00:01:28,856 You made love... 24 00:01:29,039 --> 00:01:30,820 to yourself. 25 00:01:31,216 --> 00:01:34,153 The two parts became one. 26 00:01:34,562 --> 00:01:40,023 And now, you don't need Barbara to help you finish that script. 27 00:01:40,049 --> 00:01:44,429 Because you are fully self-actualized. 28 00:02:00,671 --> 00:02:04,023 So then she starts threatening me. She's gonna, like, call the landlord. 29 00:02:04,048 --> 00:02:06,507 And the landlord fucking hates me, so I'm trying to play it cool like, 30 00:02:06,533 --> 00:02:08,694 "Oh, we don't need to involve the landlord", 'cause, you know, I'm on rent control, 31 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:11,069 so he would just love a reason to get rid of me. 32 00:02:11,095 --> 00:02:13,713 Calm down. Wait. This is all because you asked her son 33 00:02:13,738 --> 00:02:15,444 to move a bookcase, and he hit his head? 34 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:18,138 - How the fuck is that your fault? - Exactly! It isn't. That's what I'm saying. 35 00:02:18,164 --> 00:02:20,407 And this little... brat, like, tattled on me, 36 00:02:20,432 --> 00:02:22,576 and now I'm gonna have to, like, move to Koreatown 37 00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:24,937 and, like, have this sad bachelor pad, and, like... 38 00:02:24,963 --> 00:02:26,131 Or... 39 00:02:28,065 --> 00:02:30,275 you can move in with me. 40 00:03:08,762 --> 00:03:10,303 'Sup, bitch? 41 00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:13,407 Barbara? 42 00:03:14,790 --> 00:03:16,129 What the fuck? 43 00:03:16,412 --> 00:03:17,889 - Oh, my God. - Hi. 44 00:03:17,915 --> 00:03:21,301 Barbara, yesterday you, like... you went back to being inanimate. 45 00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:23,410 - No, dawg, I was sleeping. - No. 46 00:03:23,436 --> 00:03:25,694 - Really, you were, like... - Completely zonked, 47 00:03:25,719 --> 00:03:28,790 because someone made me scissor them until 4:00 in the morning. 48 00:03:28,816 --> 00:03:31,103 And also, friend to friend, 49 00:03:31,129 --> 00:03:32,396 you gotta laser your pussy, 50 00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:35,107 'cause it is very prickly-pear down there. 51 00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:37,109 My tongue is, like, completely cut up. 52 00:03:37,134 --> 00:03:38,918 It was bleeding this morning. Look. 53 00:03:40,660 --> 00:03:42,078 What's wrong with you? 54 00:03:44,677 --> 00:03:46,644 I'm moving in with Dan. 55 00:03:50,519 --> 00:03:51,897 Okay. I mean... 56 00:03:52,699 --> 00:03:54,066 I guess, like... 57 00:03:54,551 --> 00:03:58,460 I guess I'd be okay moving back to Dan's, and, you know, if it was just, like, 58 00:03:58,486 --> 00:04:00,768 a couple times a week, I'd be down to fuck him. 59 00:04:00,794 --> 00:04:02,851 No, Barbara, you're not... 60 00:04:04,179 --> 00:04:06,028 You can't come with me. 61 00:04:06,311 --> 00:04:07,320 What? 62 00:04:09,642 --> 00:04:10,773 Well, then... 63 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:12,773 where will I go? 64 00:04:13,781 --> 00:04:16,724 I don't know, um, but I'm... I'll figure something out. 65 00:04:16,750 --> 00:04:19,961 This is totally crazy. What do you mean you'll figure it out? I mean... 66 00:04:20,135 --> 00:04:21,862 what about our script? 67 00:04:21,887 --> 00:04:23,292 I don't know, I'm, like... 68 00:04:23,318 --> 00:04:25,402 just gonna set it aside for a while. 69 00:04:25,428 --> 00:04:27,034 Gonna "set it aside"? 70 00:04:27,059 --> 00:04:29,238 Yeah. You know, like, you just set it aside, 71 00:04:29,264 --> 00:04:32,568 like, put it in a drawer for a while, and then when you look at it with fresh eyes... 72 00:04:33,857 --> 00:04:35,120 - What? - Cody, 73 00:04:35,146 --> 00:04:38,308 when Susan B. Anthony was marching for a woman's right to bear arms, 74 00:04:38,334 --> 00:04:41,339 do you think she, like, set it all aside just to move in with her boyfriend? 75 00:04:41,365 --> 00:04:43,383 - Okay, that's not... - And when Roe and Wade 76 00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:45,371 fought each other lo those many years ago, 77 00:04:45,396 --> 00:04:47,012 do you think it was about a guy, Cody? 78 00:04:47,037 --> 00:04:49,113 No, it wasn't. It was not about a guy. 79 00:04:49,139 --> 00:04:53,120 It was about super-important, like, feminist-y type stuff that I'm not gonna get into with you right now, 80 00:04:53,145 --> 00:04:55,764 because you're literally the worst feminist I've ever met. 81 00:04:57,005 --> 00:04:59,274 And you're never gonna finish your script! 82 00:04:59,428 --> 00:05:02,511 You're gonna keep setting it aside and setting it aside, 83 00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:04,603 until one day you wake up and you realize 84 00:05:04,628 --> 00:05:07,607 that you have made nothing of yourself. 85 00:05:08,037 --> 00:05:10,724 That all you are and all you'll ever be 86 00:05:10,750 --> 00:05:12,454 is Dan Harmon's girlfriend, 87 00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:15,374 Dan Harmon's plus size, plus-one. 88 00:05:15,545 --> 00:05:19,021 You're a passive protagonist in your own fuckin' life. 89 00:05:19,131 --> 00:05:21,003 - Fuck you! - It's true. 90 00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:24,174 And every time he calls, you drop everything to be with him. 91 00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:26,635 It's so sad, and it's so pathetic. 92 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:28,404 But guess what, Cody? 93 00:05:28,568 --> 00:05:31,451 One day he is gonna get bored of you, 94 00:05:31,670 --> 00:05:36,095 and as soon as you get one too many wrinkles on that tiny little forehead, 95 00:05:36,121 --> 00:05:40,329 he's gonna get another plus-one, a better one, a younger one, 96 00:05:40,355 --> 00:05:41,441 and then... 97 00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:43,824 you won't even be his plus-one. 98 00:05:44,301 --> 00:05:46,238 You, Cody Heller... 99 00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:48,504 will be nothing. 100 00:05:51,832 --> 00:05:53,463 I think that's everything. 101 00:05:53,488 --> 00:05:55,809 Didn't you listen to anything I just said?! 102 00:05:55,835 --> 00:05:56,980 - Uh... oh. - This is bullshit! 103 00:05:57,006 --> 00:05:58,988 And I'll give you my old phone. 104 00:05:59,113 --> 00:06:01,476 I got a new one, so you can keep this 105 00:06:01,502 --> 00:06:03,595 and, I don't know, listen to music or whatever. 106 00:06:03,727 --> 00:06:04,764 Phone. 107 00:06:05,041 --> 00:06:08,439 Play a song for when your best friend stabs you in the back. 108 00:06:10,218 --> 00:06:11,774 All right. 109 00:06:12,323 --> 00:06:15,953 I guess I'll see you... around. Okay, bye. 110 00:06:15,979 --> 00:06:20,157 You're making a huge mistake, Cody. If you'd just listen to me! Please! 111 00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:23,805 Bye. 112 00:06:25,373 --> 00:06:27,946 _ 113 00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:32,659 Bean, you ready? 114 00:06:32,684 --> 00:06:34,133 One second! 115 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:38,274 It's a panel about a superhero whose whole thing is clocks. 116 00:06:38,299 --> 00:06:39,500 I cannot be late. 117 00:06:39,525 --> 00:06:41,118 Okay, okay, okay! 118 00:06:45,430 --> 00:06:46,798 - Hello? - Hi, Cody. 119 00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:49,009 I have your agent, Chet Jacobs, for you. 120 00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:51,455 Who? Seriously, the next time this happens, 121 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:53,584 can you guys just give me a female agent? 122 00:06:53,610 --> 00:06:56,058 Cody. Chet. How you doing? 123 00:06:56,422 --> 00:06:59,414 Listen, I don't know if you heard, but Phil... 124 00:06:59,439 --> 00:07:01,396 Let me guess... Phil was #MeToo'd? 125 00:07:02,094 --> 00:07:05,868 No. His wife has Stage IV breast cancer. 126 00:07:06,321 --> 00:07:08,762 Yes. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that 127 00:07:08,788 --> 00:07:10,973 I loved that script of yours. 128 00:07:10,999 --> 00:07:12,366 It's hilarious. 129 00:07:12,678 --> 00:07:13,514 What? 130 00:07:13,539 --> 00:07:15,897 And I love that you created the fake e-mail account 131 00:07:15,923 --> 00:07:18,199 from the sex doll character to send it to me. 132 00:07:18,225 --> 00:07:21,072 BarbaraHimmelbaum@yahoo.com? So funny. 133 00:07:21,097 --> 00:07:24,782 Y-Yeah. Um, I was trying to, uh, be like meta to... 134 00:07:24,808 --> 00:07:26,637 - Yeah. - Yeah-yeah, I do have a few thoughts. 135 00:07:26,663 --> 00:07:29,452 You're not so great at writing male characters, 136 00:07:29,478 --> 00:07:33,397 and I got to be honest, I don't think the Dan character would pass the... 137 00:07:33,423 --> 00:07:36,743 whatever the male version Of the Bechdel test is. 138 00:07:38,618 --> 00:07:41,861 Yeah. So I've got some buyers interested in this already, 139 00:07:41,887 --> 00:07:44,314 but they're gonna want to hear a full-season pitch. 140 00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:47,359 - Okay, great. I-I-I can get that done. - Great. 141 00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:49,978 And we'll get these meetings on the books, then. 142 00:07:58,668 --> 00:08:00,160 Whassup, slut! 143 00:08:00,185 --> 00:08:02,627 You comin' to get me? We have a show to write! 144 00:08:02,652 --> 00:08:04,056 What are you wearing? 145 00:08:04,082 --> 00:08:06,670 You look like you're in, like, a high school musical production 146 00:08:06,695 --> 00:08:08,009 of Phantom of the Opera. 147 00:08:08,034 --> 00:08:09,486 Hey, Cody, you coming? 148 00:08:09,512 --> 00:08:11,543 Ticktock! We got to go! 149 00:08:12,864 --> 00:08:16,262 - Excuse me, do you have somewhere to go? - One second, one second, one second. 150 00:08:18,282 --> 00:08:19,339 Hey. 151 00:08:19,646 --> 00:08:21,023 Are you coming? 152 00:08:26,406 --> 00:08:28,109 Just go ahead without me. 153 00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:36,325 My God. I'm sweating through this blazer like a motherfucker. 154 00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:37,826 I know. Jesus. 155 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,780 - Y-You can tell? - Uh, yeah. I can smell it, too. 156 00:08:40,858 --> 00:08:42,386 Very Baja Fresh. 157 00:08:42,412 --> 00:08:44,541 Dude, I'm rea... I'm, like, really nervous. 158 00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:46,915 Relax. These fucks would be idiots not to buy this. 159 00:08:46,940 --> 00:08:49,006 - It's gonna be, like, a really good show. - Yeah, you think? 160 00:08:49,032 --> 00:08:50,535 A thousand percent. 161 00:08:50,561 --> 00:08:52,983 And, like, we have enough material for a full half hour, right? 162 00:08:53,008 --> 00:08:54,972 Are you kidding? It could honestly be an hour long. 163 00:08:54,998 --> 00:08:57,385 It's just, there's too much funny stuff to commit to making it a drama. 164 00:08:57,411 --> 00:08:58,738 Yeah, yeah, you're right. 165 00:08:58,764 --> 00:09:01,387 Just remember the casting stuff. 166 00:09:01,413 --> 00:09:04,002 You know. I play myself, and for the role of Cody, we're going diverse. 167 00:09:04,028 --> 00:09:05,896 What? No, I'm gonna play myself. 168 00:09:05,921 --> 00:09:07,153 Cody, get serious. 169 00:09:07,179 --> 00:09:10,307 The last thing anyone wants right now is another show about two white girls. 170 00:09:10,332 --> 00:09:12,721 Okay, well, then we'll cast, like, a diverse doll or whatever. 171 00:09:12,746 --> 00:09:13,815 - Fine. - Great. 172 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:16,361 Fine. Fine, and then I'll play Cody. 173 00:09:16,504 --> 00:09:18,196 - How would that work? - I don't know. 174 00:09:18,222 --> 00:09:19,868 I'll just, like, wear a fat suit or whatever. 175 00:09:19,891 --> 00:09:22,855 - Come on, you don't actually expect me to, like, gain weight. - Barbara, I mean, no, okay... 176 00:09:22,881 --> 00:09:24,694 - That's not what I meant, and you know it. - Yow know what? Fine. 177 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:26,912 - If you do this, you'll do it on purpose. - I'll gane the weight. 178 00:09:26,938 --> 00:09:29,204 I will gane the weight. That's how dedicated I am to my craft. 179 00:09:29,229 --> 00:09:31,928 I will gain the weight to play the role of Cody Heller. 180 00:09:31,954 --> 00:09:33,881 - You know, fuck you! I'm gonna win an Emmy. - No. Fuck you, Barbara. You're being 181 00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:36,162 - such a little fuckin' asshole. I hope that you just... - I'm gonna win an Emmy... - Hi. 182 00:09:38,471 --> 00:09:39,482 Hi. 183 00:09:40,332 --> 00:09:41,725 I'm Cody. 184 00:09:41,751 --> 00:09:42,741 Rude. 185 00:09:43,514 --> 00:09:44,643 And this is Barbara. 186 00:09:44,668 --> 00:09:46,858 Thank you so much for hearing our pitch today. 187 00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:48,959 You're Dan Harmon's girlfriend. 188 00:09:48,984 --> 00:09:50,818 - Yes. - He actually dated me first 189 00:09:50,844 --> 00:09:52,514 and was, like, way more in love with me. 190 00:09:52,540 --> 00:09:53,928 What? He was. 191 00:09:54,366 --> 00:09:56,890 Man, that guy is such a genius. 192 00:09:56,916 --> 00:09:59,816 - Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -