Barbara.
Barbara?
So, you're...
- holding each other's breasts... - Boobs, yeah.
And then you leaned in
and stared into each other's eyes and it just... happened.
- Yeah. Basically, but then this morning... - Wait.
Was that it?
Just... just kissing?
No, I mean, we did everything.
And when you say everything...
We went down on each other, we fingered each other.
I mean, she can't finger me, but I moved my vagina around on her... hand, kind of.
The issue is that this morning, I wake up and she's not talking to me.
She's gone. She's not there anymore.
We're supposed to finish this script.
I want you to go back and examine what you just said.
You did everything.
Jesus, Rima, we fucked. I mean, what do you want me to say?
- We made love, whatever. - Made love?
There we go.
You made love...
to yourself.
The two parts became one.
And now, you don't need Barbara to help you finish that script.
Because you are fully self-actualized.
So then she starts threatening me. She's gonna, like, call the landlord.
And the landlord fucking hates me, so I'm trying to play it cool like,
"Oh, we don't need to involve the landlord", 'cause, you know, I'm on rent control,
so he would just love a reason to get rid of me.
Calm down. Wait. This is all because you asked her son
to move a bookcase, and he hit his head?
- How the fuck is that your fault? - Exactly! It isn't. That's what I'm saying.
And this little... brat, like, tattled on me,
and now I'm gonna have to, like, move to Koreatown
and, like, have this sad bachelor pad, and, like...
Or...
you can move in with me.
'Sup, bitch?
Barbara?
What the fuck?
- Oh, my God. - Hi.
Barbara, yesterday you, like... you went back to being inanimate.
- No, dawg, I was sleeping. - No.
- Really, you were, like... - Completely zonked,
because someone made me scissor them until 4:00 in the morning.
And also, friend to friend,
you gotta laser your pussy,
'cause it is very prickly-pear down there.
My tongue is, like, completely cut up.
It was bleeding this morning. Look.
What's wrong with you?
I'm moving in with Dan.
Okay. I mean...
I guess, like...
I guess I'd be okay moving back to Dan's, and, you know, if it was just, like,
a couple times a week, I'd be down to fuck him.
No, Barbara, you're not...
You can't come with me.
What?
Well, then...
where will I go?
I don't know, um, but I'm... I'll figure something out.
This is totally crazy. What do you mean you'll figure it out? I mean...
what about our script?
I don't know, I'm, like...
just gonna set it aside for a while.
Gonna "set it aside"?
Yeah. You know, like, you just set it aside,
like, put it in a drawer for a while, and then when you look at it with fresh eyes...
- What? - Cody,
when Susan B. Anthony was marching for a woman's right to bear arms,
do you think she, like, set it all aside just to move in with her boyfriend?
- Okay, that's not... - And when Roe and Wade
fought each other lo those many years ago,
do you think it was about a guy, Cody?
No, it wasn't. It was not about a guy.
It was about super-important, like, feminist-y type stuff that I'm not gonna get into with you right now,
because you're literally the worst feminist I've ever met.
And you're never gonna finish your script!
You're gonna keep setting it aside and setting it aside,
until one day you wake up and you realize
that you have made nothing of yourself.
That all you are and all you'll ever be
is Dan Harmon's girlfriend,
Dan Harmon's plus size, plus-one.
You're a passive protagonist in your own fuckin' life.
- Fuck you! - It's true.
And every time he calls, you drop everything to be with him.
It's so sad, and it's so pathetic.
But guess what, Cody?
One day he is gonna get bored of you,
and as soon as you get one too many wrinkles on that tiny little forehead,
he's gonna get another plus-one, a better one, a younger one,
and then...
you won't even be his plus-one.
You, Cody Heller...
will be nothing.
I think that's everything.
Didn't you listen to anything I just said?!
- Uh... oh. - This is bullshit!
And I'll give you my old phone.
I got a new one, so you can keep this
and, I don't know, listen to music or whatever.
Phone.
Play a song for when your best friend stabs you in the back.
All right.
I guess I'll see you... around. Okay, bye.
You're making a huge mistake, Cody. If you'd just listen to me! Please!
Bye.
_
Bean, you ready?
One second!
It's a panel about a superhero whose whole thing is clocks.
I cannot be late.
Okay, okay, okay!
- Hello? - Hi, Cody.
I have your agent, Chet Jacobs, for you.
Who? Seriously, the next time this happens,
can you guys just give me a female agent?
Cody. Chet. How you doing?
Listen, I don't know if you heard, but Phil...
Let me guess... Phil was #MeToo'd?
No. His wife has Stage IV breast cancer.
Yes. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that
I loved that script of yours.
It's hilarious.
What?
And I love that you created the fake e-mail account
from the sex doll character to send it to me.
BarbaraHimmelbaum@yahoo.com? So funny.
Y-Yeah. Um, I was trying to, uh, be like meta to...
- Yeah. - Yeah-yeah, I do have a few thoughts.
You're not so great at writing male characters,
and I got to be honest, I don't think the Dan character would pass the...
whatever the male version Of the Bechdel test is.
Yeah. So I've got some buyers interested in this already,
but they're gonna want to hear a full-season pitch.
- Okay, great. I-I-I can get that done. - Great.
And we'll get these meetings on the books, then.
Whassup, slut!
You comin' to get me? We have a show to write!
What are you wearing?
You look like you're in, like, a high school musical production
of Phantom of the Opera.
Hey, Cody, you coming?
Ticktock! We got to go!
- Excuse me, do you have somewhere to go? - One second, one second, one second.
Hey.
Are you coming?
Just go ahead without me.
My God. I'm sweating through this blazer like a motherfucker.
I know. Jesus.
- Y-You can tell? - Uh, yeah. I can smell it, too.
Very Baja Fresh.
Dude, I'm rea... I'm, like, really nervous.
Relax. These fucks would be idiots not to buy this.
- It's gonna be, like, a really good show. - Yeah, you think?
A thousand percent.
And, like, we have enough material for a full half hour, right?
Are you kidding? It could honestly be an hour long.
It's just, there's too much funny stuff to commit to making it a drama.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Just remember the casting stuff.
You know. I play myself, and for the role of Cody, we're going diverse.
What? No, I'm gonna play myself.
Cody, get serious.
The last thing anyone wants right now is another show about two white girls.
Okay, well, then we'll cast, like, a diverse doll or whatever.
- Fine. - Great.
Fine. Fine, and then I'll play Cody.
- How would that work? - I don't know.
I'll just, like, wear a fat suit or whatever.
- Come on, you don't actually expect me to, like, gain weight. - Barbara, I mean, no, okay...
- That's not what I meant, and you know it. - Yow know what? Fine.
- If you do this, you'll do it on purpose. - I'll gane the weight.
I will gane the weight. That's how dedicated I am to my craft.
I will gain the weight to play the role of Cody Heller.
- You know, fuck you! I'm gonna win an Emmy. - No. Fuck you, Barbara. You're being
- such a little fuckin' asshole. I hope that you just... - I'm gonna win an Emmy... - Hi.
Hi.
I'm Cody.
Rude.
And this is Barbara.
Thank you so much for hearing our pitch today.
You're Dan Harmon's girlfriend.
- Yes. - He actually dated me first
and was, like, way more in love with me.
What? He was.
Man, that guy is such a genius.
- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -