Wow! Caddying for the King at the charity golf weekend!
If only the kids on the school golf team could see me now.
Too bad they all gave each other syphilis at golf camp and went blind.
- Huh? - Golf camp was crazy.
I hate golfing with the other kings.
All that bullshit chit-chat.
I hope King Topher gets eaten by an alligator this year.
Well, while you and the other kings chase each other's balls around,
I'm going to kick back, relax, and scream at the servants.
Some real "me" time.
Actually, you'll be doing none of that.
It's Queen Collette's birthday weekend on Spa Island.
Son of a bitch! Birthdays are one day!
Why should she get to kill my whole weekend?
Uh, forgive me for asking, your Highnesses,
but if you're both gone, who will run the kingdom?
We'll let Bungles do it. Bungles!
Who...? Meeeee...?
That's his catch phrase.
I know.
"Look, I'm the Queen! Off to the spa to get my butthole waxed!"
I hate when he does me.
No, stop! I'm gonna pee.
Bungles, you're in charge till we get back.
Don't start any wars!
Who? Me?
CREDITS
Where the hell are we? Where's the golf course?
_
Of course this isn't a charity tournament.
This is a cesspool.
A cesspool of shrimp cocktail!
- Who are these people? - You fool! This is Chill Society!
A secret congregation of the most powerful men in the world!
Kings, lords, popes, and that guy with all the mattress stores.
History doesn't just happen! It's decided... here!
So, it's crucial that King Merriman's first year hosting is successful!
It's gotta be perfect!
King Topher hosted last time,
and it's all anyone talked about for months.
Farm-to-table, vision board, juice bar bullshit!
I'm gettin' back to basics, baby!
Dicks, chicks, and guitar licks!
Announcing Rami IV, The Desert Sultan!
Rami! How's the pyramid?
The basement's awesome, but the penthouse is a real letdown.
Anthony Saltine, the Mattress King!
Heeey, Tony Saltine, Tony Saltine! How ya sleepin', Merriman?
You look terrible! Let me fix you up with a new mattress!
Can't afford it? Layaway, my friend!
Not interested? How about no interest for 12 months?
You're robbin' me blind!
I... I don't need a deal on a fucking mattress!
Perfect! Full freight! Get it off the truck, boys!
Dammit, he gets me every year.
Hey! Tony Saltine, here! How ya sleepin', huh?
King Christopher from The Baylands!
Why so formal? Call me Topher.
What the hell is that?
- Where's your horse? - I'm in training.
I'm doing a triathlon next month raising money
to combat leprosy-linked illiteracy among illegitimate illustrators.
Why don't you hide your lepers in caves like civilized people?
Merriman, you are a pip!
Let's catch up over a glass of ros� later. Maybe jam a little.
Absolutely not.
Tony Saltine, is that you?
Don't you walk away until I buy a mattress!
Announcing... I don't know who that is.
Ruben the Rogue, King of the Forest! Where's the taco bar?
Just park it anywhere.
Nobody crosses the King of the Forest!
I'll have revenge on you all!
I will avenge you, Wolfie!
Here's to Queen Collette's birthday weekend!
Party, bitches!
I'm so beyond thrilled to spend this weekend with my ride-or-dies!
What better way to spend my 29th birthday?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
So, this Queen-tinerary will blow your panties off!
We've got a mud bath, a sound bath, a lotta group baths.
Can't wait to see what's new in pubes!
I'm warning you right now, my husband, the Mattress King Tony Saltine...
that's Tony with a "Y," I'm Toni with an "I"...
anyway, he likes a big bush.
And then we open presents!
We all chipped in on one big gift this year.
Everyone put on your birthday crowns!
Maybe when I'm a little drunker, Cleo.
Oh, no, this is a dry weekend!
We're drinking sparkling cider.
- I'm five months sober, everyone! - _
Oops. I'll be right back.
Why did you invite her?
I had to. Her King is friends with my King.
Welcome to the 485th Chill Society!
Let's chill!
Light as a feather, stiff as a board...
So, Gregory, Isaac. How do we avoid this war?
You've got 50 warships. You've got an unmarried daughter.
And they've both got some nice cannons. Do we have a deal?
Doesn't that daughter of yours have a jacked-up nose?
Oh, it's war you want?
Well, come at me, brother!
Now, now, Gregory.
Your son's no looker since that horse fell on his face.
He should take the offer that's on the table.
- Oh, fine. - Now... let's seal the deal!
Ah, yes!
We oughta start our own secret club!
Yeah! And not invite any of them!
Only forest kings allowed!
And Honeypants, of course.
I'm so sorry. Doctor Honeypants.
Sweet Christmas, boy! Got enough shrimp?
I call my mouth my shrimp-hole.
Hmm. Shrimp-hole you say?
I have an idea. Come with me.
Is there shrimp where we're going?
I thought I'd be working a charity weekend,
and instead I'm stuck at this satanic frat party.
You could feed a whole kingdom for a year on what this costs.
I know, pretty bitchin', right?
- Blarney? What are you doing here? - I'm the entertainment, man!
It's my first time doing a corporate event.
I even wrote some new material.
"If your swimming pool is a moat... you might be a king."
Is that the punchline?
"If your storage unit is a storage castle... "
Oh, c'mon, who has a storage castle? That is pretty broad.
Patrick, I need you to go to the storage castle.
Told ya.
The ceremonial hunt starts in an hour,
and if I don't have my special Chill Society Sword,
the weekend isn't perfect!
My father was the last one to use it.
We put all of his shit in the storage castle after he died.
Ask the guard to grab it. Don't go poking around.
I would be thrilled to go.
Ah, there you are, sweet nectar.
Time to water the tulips.
Ooh, these purses are defective. I'm taking them back to the workshop.
Ready! Aim!
No! I'm here by order of the King!
Hmm... what's the password?
"S! xty-n! ne." But spelled out, capital S,
and the I's are exclamation points.
Oh, yeah, the ceremonial sword.
I think we was using it to kill a spider last week.
Imma go grab it.
Where's, uh, King Merriman's portrait?
Don't ask questions, don't move, and don't touch anything!
Wow. This statue of the Old King is really lifelike.
Boo!
Ah! You found me!
Sometimes I'm here five, six hours! No one notices!
You're... you're the Old King!
Old King? I'm the only king, you little weirdo.
But... you're dead!
Dead? No, no, just hiding from the plague!
So, how are things out there? Pretty bleak, right?
Streets littered with the dead? Crows pecking out their eyeballs?
Does anyone remember laughter?
Uh, your... Highness? The last plague was 12 years ago.
- And it killed you! - Killed? Who told you that?
Um, everybody? There's like 18 books written about it.
Oh, if I were dead, could I do this?
Oops. Better go change my pants.
Shrimp club! Shrimp club! Shrimp club!
Okay, boy, now I've got a lot of money riding on you,
so don't fuck this up.
Three, two, one... Shrimp fight!
- Shrimp-ressive! - Eat, you fool!
There's a serious grain shortage, Your Grace.
If we don't figure it out, the kingdom will starve.
You must do something!
Who? Me?
Yes. You.
Actually, I'm kind of an agricultural wonk.
I jestered on a commune in the '60s.
Let's just take a look at this chart.
Make an adjustment here... that number can change...
and how does this work for you?
_
We're all going to die.
And this is the War Room
where I get updates on our ongoing conflict in the South.
But mostly it's where I have lunch and watch my stories.
That one's Vanessa. She's a spy! And a vampire.
Sire, has it ever occurred to you that perhaps there is no plague anymore?
And if there's no plague,
maybe your son sent you here so he could be king?
That... that little shit.
They're not even my friends! They're barely allies.
And they're so superficial! I hate them all.
Of course you do!
They're vapid, arrogant, materialistic, inbred turnip women!
Oh, I can't believe I'm having this much fun with a pirate.
And for a queen, you suck way less than I would have imagined!
I always dreamed of being a pirate when I was a girl.
But life had other plans for me.
You want to be a pirate? Be a pirate!
Let's clean this place out!
Say, you wouldn't believe the expensive piece of shit
we bought Collette for a group gift.
They made you do a group gift?
I think a group gift is nice.
- Shut up, Karen. - And, please, for the love of God,
point your vagina elsewhere.
We'll need a diversion.
And I've got just the thing back on my ship.
Shrimp fight. Shrimp fight.
Finish him.
Where am I?
If we hurry, we can still make Lasagna Club!
All right, everybody!
It's clown time!
Okay, this is it, Blarney. It's your one shot.
This is your one oppor...
All right, I ate too much spaghetti.
I'm the rightful king! You gotta help me get my throne back!
Overthrow the kingdom? I'm just here for the sword, man!
Ah, the Chill Society.
A bunch of kings making deals in some back room
and jerking each other off!
I'm a traditionalist.
The way to solve your problems are with massive battlefield casualties!
The only part I miss is the ceremonial manhunt.
Manhunt?
Yes. You know, they say clown meat tastes funny.
And let me tell you something: it does.
I'm sorry. Clown meat?
- Shit, Blarney! - Hey, look... I found a memento!
Uh-oh.
How many times am I gonna take a comedy gig
only to be hunted for sport?
Ha-ha! Fore!
Ahhh!
I knew there was no way Blarney would get paid for comedy.
If I help you break out of here, will you ban clown hunting?
Absolutely!
It'll be the first thing I do after I legalize bestiality,
sell poor people as lunch meat, and implement an electoral college.
Oh, God, I gotta get out of here.
Well, hell, I'm sorry that took so long.
We was using it to get the dog's tennis ball out from under the couch.
- Thanks! Well, gotta go! - Hey! Wait a minute!
Did you talk to him? This is bad!
Ready the horses, Patrick! This one's mine!
Stab!
- Oh, my God! - I sharpened Vanessa into a shiv!
Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab! Stab!
Hey, FYI, bit of a situation in the Hall of Statues, thanks, bye!
Ooh, it's time for presents!
Oh, my God! You guys!
Now I've got a matching set for the guest bath!
It's from all of us!
I also got you a mattress fit for a queen. You'll love it!
This is a raid!
Pleased to meet you, Your Majesties!
You can call us... the Plunder from Down Under!
It's exactly what I wanted! How did you know?
Hi, I'm Collette,
and... sobriety's a slippery slope! Yeah!
The King isn't the king, my brother's gonna die,
and I just dropped all of my change.
This day is the worst.
And now I have to pee.
Ho, ho, ho! Feast your eyes, boys!
We caught ourselves an adult male virgin! They're endangered.
Goddammit, Ruben, let me out of here!
The kings are doing a manhunt, and Blarney's the man!
Hmm... I bet ruining their manhunt
would make things pretty un-chill for those elites,
with their exclusionary membership practices!
Yeah, plus, we'd save our brother.
Remember? The important part.
Finally! I need the sword to carve up the clown!
What does hunting a clown have to do with diplomacy?
Everything! You normies wouldn't understand!
A king can't truly trust another king
until they've soaked in the blood of a clown together.
Clown blood greases the wheels of power.
Now let's go, caddy!
- I think I saw him run this way! - Victory!
Uh-oh!
What the hell is going on?
There he is.
Oh! Clown decoy!
Who is responsible for this?
King of the Forest! Yeah! Fuck off!
It's the ghost of Robin Hood!
I'm Ruben the Rogue, dumbass!
Well, now I know who to kill!
On second thought, it was all Patrick's idea!
Ahhhh!
Oh, you little nerd! Why would you ruin my hunt?
Because hunting humans for entertainment...
even clown humans, before you say it... is wrong.
I'm still puttin' this on my resume!
Here's your cut. You earned it.
I don't need money. I did it for the kicks.
The kicks? The kicks don't have to end!
Join my crew. Karen did.
Shiver me timbers! I'm a pirate now!
You're the queen of the high seas, but I'm a less metaphorical kind of queen.
I have responsibilities I can't run away from.
The statue is gone!
Goodbye, Coral.
It's not "goodbye." It's "to be continued."
My birthday is ruined!
Aw, c'mon, guys! Chill Society's not over!
We couldn't kill a clown,
but you don't want to miss the X-rated hypnotist!
Sons of bitches. Thanks for ruining Chill Society,
AKA the one weekend a year I get to myself!
The rest of my fall, if you're curious,
is just Little League games and play-dates
and macaroni-and-cheese and no handjobs.
You'll pay for this, Merriman! Cash, no credit!
You never get a second chance to host your first Chill Society.
You should take this enormous failure and journal about it.
See what you did?
Our Kingdom is fucked, and I look like a real dick swab!
I hope you like dungeons, because that's where you're going!
I mean, unless you actually do like dungeons,
in which case I'll find somewhere worse.
- So, you know, please be honest about it. - Honest?
The way you've been honest with the whole kingdom about your daddy?
Oh, that's right!
I know your deepest, darkest secret,
so I think we call this one a draw!
- Uh... - Aw, fine.
So, you talked to the Old Boob, huh?
Do you really think he should be king instead of me?
No way. Have you heard his electoral college idea?
What is it with that man and equally weighted state representation?
I'm sorry your weird cult weekend got ruined.
- I'm sorry you blackmailed me. - Oh, my God.
I've been a squire for a month and I already blackmailed the king.
What's become of me?
What is that, a soliloquy? Good job, Hamlet!
Let's get the hell outta here.
Pack my things! And cancel the X-rated hypnotist!
And where the hell is Blinkerquartz?
Who's got room for Pie Club, huh?
Oh, God.
I'm so glad to be home! I can't wait to see Bungles!
- Probably drunk in the moat again. - Oh, I hope so! I love that bit!
Assassin!
Bungles, noooooooooo!
You must hang on!
Who... me?
Heaven just got a little more hilarious.
CREDITS