1
00:00:00,083 --> 00:00:02,734
- Open the fucking register now!
- Just can't.

2
00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:05,823
Come on, get over here, I want
everybody to line up over here.

3
00:00:05,843 --> 00:00:08,243
Oh, my God, oh, my God, Barbara,
do you think he saw us?

4
00:00:08,263 --> 00:00:10,166
Fuck, I don't think so.
I don't know.

5
00:00:10,187 --> 00:00:12,284
I don't want to die,
man, not like this.

6
00:00:12,304 --> 00:00:14,286
- I don't even have a Wikipedia page.
- Ma'am.

7
00:00:14,306 --> 00:00:16,163
Oh, shit, he saw you.

8
00:00:16,183 --> 00:00:18,408
- What? No, he said "ma'am".
- Yeah, that's you.

9
00:00:18,429 --> 00:00:20,167
What? I'm not a ma'am.

10
00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:21,251
Yeah, you are, you're totally a ma'am.

11
00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:22,628
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

12
00:00:22,648 --> 00:00:24,808
- You've been a ma'am for a long time.
- Ma'am!

13
00:00:27,239 --> 00:00:28,367
Ma'am!

14
00:00:28,876 --> 00:00:30,962
Why don't you go smoke
some more crack, huh?

15
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,804
- You got any?
- What?!

16
00:00:32,824 --> 00:00:34,681
See, he was talking to the
crack whore, I told you.

17
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,725
Okay, I don't care.
Listen to me, I have a plan.

18
00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:37,961
You see those Jesus candles?

19
00:00:37,981 --> 00:00:40,187
You're gonna take two of them,
then you're gonna somersault

20
00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:41,605
quietly behind the candy aisle.

21
00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:44,149
From my calculations, you'll
have a perfect vantage point.

22
00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:46,902
- What the fuck are you talking about?
- Come on, Cody, you can take him.

23
00:00:46,922 --> 00:00:48,195
- No, I can't.
- Yes, you can.

24
00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:49,718
- You're bigger than him.
- Fuck you.

25
00:00:49,739 --> 00:00:51,740
You are... you're like twice his size.

26
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,760
I want everybody to take their
cell phones out and their wallets.

27
00:00:54,781 --> 00:00:56,411
But don't touch your own wallet!

28
00:00:56,431 --> 00:00:59,498
Take the wallet out of
the person to your right.

29
00:00:59,519 --> 00:01:01,867
- There's only four phones here, and
there's five of you. - Fuck this.

30
00:01:01,888 --> 00:01:03,820
- I'm calling the cops.
- You're such a pussy.

31
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:07,167
What are you doing?

32
00:01:07,188 --> 00:01:08,531
Nothing. Nothing, nothing.

33
00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,802
Are you fucking texting Dan right now?

34
00:01:11,822 --> 00:01:13,053
No, okay, just...

35
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,924
I texted him "I love you" two hours ago,

36
00:01:14,945 --> 00:01:17,724
and he just texted back "k,
you, too", all lowercase.

37
00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:18,851
Like, what the fuck is that?

38
00:01:18,871 --> 00:01:21,061
I seriously cannot believe you.

39
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:24,605
Don't you get that this is like a fucking
parable for the world right now?

40
00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:28,227
Toxic masculinity as represented, quite
literally, by a dude with a gu...

41
00:01:29,516 --> 00:01:30,738
Well, don't write that.

42
00:01:30,759 --> 00:01:31,572
Why?

43
00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:33,532
- "Are we okay?"
- What, what?

44
00:01:33,552 --> 00:01:35,826
If you have to write to
your boyfriend "Are we okay?"

45
00:01:35,846 --> 00:01:37,449
you're definitely not okay.

46
00:01:37,470 --> 00:01:39,721
- Do you think he's cheating on me?
- Honestly?

47
00:01:39,741 --> 00:01:40,941
- Ma'am.
- Yeah.

48
00:01:40,961 --> 00:01:43,343
Don't say that. You're gonna
give me a fucking heart attack.

49
00:01:43,364 --> 00:01:45,043
- Ma'am!
- Fuck, oh, my God.

50
00:01:45,062 --> 00:01:47,204
Please don't kill me, Jesus Christ, please,
please, please don't kill me, oh, my God.

51
00:01:47,225 --> 00:01:49,798
- See, you're totally a ma'am, I was right.
- Shut up.

52
00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:51,938
- What?
- No, not... nothing, not you.

53
00:01:51,959 --> 00:01:54,845
- Slide your phone over here.
- Okay, okay, okay, just, um...

54
00:01:55,095 --> 00:01:57,806
I'm so sorry, can I just send one text?
It'll be so fast.

55
00:01:57,826 --> 00:02:00,063
- No! What the fuck?!
- Okay, okay, all right, okay!

56
00:02:00,084 --> 00:02:02,129
- All-all right!
- God, you idiot!

57
00:02:05,827 --> 00:02:07,704
Is that a fucking sex doll?

58
00:02:07,725 --> 00:02:08,681
Yeah.

59
00:02:08,794 --> 00:02:10,780
The fuck is around its neck?

60
00:02:12,044 --> 00:02:13,235
Her vagina?

61
00:02:13,256 --> 00:02:14,874
Sir, I'm fully cooperating,

62
00:02:14,895 --> 00:02:17,201
and if you have to kill her,
I completely understand,

63
00:02:17,221 --> 00:02:20,569
and if you have to rape me, I'm down,
but, like, please don't kill me.

64
00:02:20,590 --> 00:02:23,415
Why the fuck is it wearing
a vagina around its neck?

65
00:02:23,435 --> 00:02:26,007
Well, it's her, it's
her old vagina, it's...

66
00:02:26,027 --> 00:02:28,929
'Cause, you know, she wa...
she used to be my boyfriend's sex doll

67
00:02:28,949 --> 00:02:31,408
and now, you know, she's just my friend
and she's my writing partner.

68
00:02:31,429 --> 00:02:33,926
She's kind of a, kind
of a handful, actually.

69
00:02:33,946 --> 00:02:37,533
When she was my boyfriend's sex doll, he
didn't, he didn't take very good care of her,

70
00:02:37,554 --> 00:02:40,092
so, like, hygiene-wise, her pussy
got kind of crusty.

71
00:02:40,112 --> 00:02:43,977
You know, when I say that, it, like, it-it
sounds like I'm saying, like, he's a pervert.

72
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:46,114
He's, like, a super sweet
guy, great boyfriend.

73
00:02:46,134 --> 00:02:48,083
He's actually, like, a
really successful TV writer.

74
00:02:48,103 --> 00:02:51,626
He just has kinks, you know. He's
into foot stuff, he's into pantyhose,

75
00:02:51,829 --> 00:02:53,855
and, you know, like, for
a while he just had, um,

76
00:02:53,876 --> 00:02:55,964
like, a mannequin leg, and
he would put pantyhose on it

77
00:02:55,984 --> 00:02:58,685
and he would just, like, rub it on his nipples,
but then the dog chewed up the pantyhose leg,

78
00:02:58,706 --> 00:03:00,994
- so then he got the sex doll. It's kind of the...
- Hold on, hold on, hold on.

79
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:01,930
Is your...

80
00:03:02,490 --> 00:03:05,791
is your boyfriend Dan Harmon?

81
00:03:06,092 --> 00:03:07,149
Yeah.

82
00:03:07,229 --> 00:03:08,805
Oh, my God.

83
00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:11,213
This is crazy.

84
00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:13,605
I am a huge fan.

85
00:03:13,688 --> 00:03:14,728
Wait, what?

86
00:03:14,749 --> 00:03:16,647
- Yeah.
- I fucked him every week.

87
00:03:16,933 --> 00:03:18,290
Oh, my God!

88
00:03:18,311 --> 00:03:21,431
Rick and Morty is my
favorite TV show of all time.

89
00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:22,850
That is insane.

90
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:25,509
I... this is crazy. I'm,
like, a total Harmenian,

91
00:03:25,530 --> 00:03:28,230
and, you know, I, I listen
to his podcast every week.

92
00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:32,448
- Right. - And, as you know, you know, he
really kind of, like, puts himself out there,

93
00:03:32,468 --> 00:03:36,155
so when you said "sex doll",
I was like, "Could it be?"

94
00:03:36,175 --> 00:03:38,407
And then you were like, "writer".

95
00:03:38,427 --> 00:03:40,666
- And then you said "foot fetish"!
- "Foot fetish".

96
00:03:40,687 --> 00:03:43,579
And I was like,
"Uh, could it be? Yes, it is!"

97
00:03:43,599 --> 00:03:44,830
And now it is!

98
00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:46,623
Dude, I'm, like, freaking out right now.

99
00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:48,917
- This is fucking crazy.
- So am I.

100
00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:51,570
Wow, what a small world.
What are the chances that, like,

101
00:03:51,734 --> 00:03:54,547
you and I would
run into each other like this?

102
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:55,318
Very slim.

103
00:03:55,339 --> 00:03:57,961
I mean, it's-it's like
a Rick and Morty episode,

104
00:03:57,982 --> 00:03:59,845
but, like, everything I
would be saying would be

105
00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:03,076
so much smarter because the
writing on that show was...

106
00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:06,754
Oh, my God!

107
00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:08,997
Holy shit!

108
00:04:23,138 --> 00:04:25,103
That was so fucked up.

109
00:04:26,517 --> 00:04:27,806
What?

110
00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:30,468
Oh, my God, I'm, like, still shaking.

111
00:04:30,488 --> 00:04:32,252
Like, me, too, I'm also shaking.

112
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:34,097
Like, I'm not actually
physically shaking,

113
00:04:34,117 --> 00:04:37,111
but I'm also experiencing
the trauma in a very real way.

114
00:04:37,563 --> 00:04:39,879
That was fucking crazy!

115
00:04:39,900 --> 00:04:41,762
What the fuck just happened to us?!

116
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,138
That was crazy!

117
00:04:43,158 --> 00:04:45,520
Like, who thought that
fucking crack whore

118
00:04:45,540 --> 00:04:48,435
- would save the day like that?
- Oh, my God, I know.

119
00:04:48,775 --> 00:04:50,017
You know...

120
00:04:51,041 --> 00:04:53,565
we probably shouldn't
call her that anymore.

121
00:04:53,585 --> 00:04:55,359
I hundred percent agree.

122
00:04:55,379 --> 00:04:56,944
Well, can you believe that...

123
00:04:56,964 --> 00:05:00,119
crack sex worker saved
the fucking day like that?

124
00:05:00,140 --> 00:05:01,684
Totally.

125
00:05:02,727 --> 00:05:06,106
Oh, my God, he broke my phone.

126
00:05:07,299 --> 00:05:10,424
I mean, mostly it is very, very sad

127
00:05:10,822 --> 00:05:14,545
that a, like, a human
life was taken, obviously,

128
00:05:14,565 --> 00:05:18,262
and, like, I feel terrible for, like,
the family of that dead robber.

129
00:05:18,283 --> 00:05:19,884
Dude, I feel terrible, too.

130
00:05:19,904 --> 00:05:22,553
Like, to echo that, I'm devastated.

131
00:05:22,573 --> 00:05:24,137
I mean, the whole thing's
like a fucking tragedy.

132
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:26,265
It's a tra... it's...
that's a perfect word.

133
00:05:26,285 --> 00:05:28,620
Yeah, it's like a true American tragedy.

134
00:05:30,087 --> 00:05:31,118
But...

135
00:05:31,373 --> 00:05:34,898
you know, it is kind of one
of those tragedies that...

136
00:05:34,918 --> 00:05:36,817
would make an amazing story, right?

137
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:39,431
Like, a really good story.

138
00:05:39,452 --> 00:05:42,283
Like, it'd be almost more of a tragedy
if we didn't tell that story, right?

139
00:05:42,304 --> 00:05:45,595
Like maybe in a spec script
about a girl and her sex doll?

140
00:05:45,616 --> 00:05:48,127
Oh, my God, I was having the same idea!

141
00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:49,984
- No.
- Yes, but I didn't want to tell you

142
00:05:50,004 --> 00:05:51,926
'cause I was like, "She's
gonna think I'm a monster".

143
00:05:51,947 --> 00:05:53,981
- Wait, really? No!
- Hundred percent.

144
00:05:54,002 --> 00:05:56,588
Oh, my God, that's hilarious.

145
00:05:56,773 --> 00:05:59,089
Oh, my God, I'm starving.

146
00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:01,133
Feel like I burned,
like, a million calories

147
00:06:01,153 --> 00:06:03,260
just from having my
heart rate so elevated.

148
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:05,244
I know, I'm so hungry.

149
00:06:06,158 --> 00:06:07,890
I would so join you, but...

150
00:06:07,910 --> 00:06:09,793
- You're a sex doll so you can't eat?
- I'm keeping this shit tight.

151
00:06:09,814 --> 00:06:10,895
All right.

152
00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:12,887
Bitch, you are covered in blood.

153
00:06:12,908 --> 00:06:15,017
- You're covered in blood.
- You look psychotic.

154
00:06:15,038 --> 00:06:16,705
You look like you're
in the movie Carrie.

155
00:06:16,726 --> 00:06:18,640
No, I look dope.

156
00:06:21,898 --> 00:06:26,140
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