*CREDITS*
- Do you know what I did yesterday? - I do not.
I walked out into the middle of the field next to us
and I screamed.
Why?
I wanted to see if anyone heard.
- Did they? - Well...
- ...no-one came to my aid. - Right.
Do they scream a lot down there?
We do. Well, it's how we say hello.
Oh.
Aaah!
Not bad, thanks, how are you?
Do you do a lot of screaming in Scotland?
Of course.
That's how we summon the haggis.
Is that still happening in contemporary Scotland?
Yeah. Yeah. It's like a rite of passage.
You go on a blasted heath
and you strip down to your tartan undercrackers and you...
- Ooh! - It's a very open, very open thing.
A meaty timbre.
That's more...
I'm hearing Tarzan with you. That's more Tarzan.
You know, the haggis doesn't come unless you get it right.
We train for this for years.
Listen, if the haggis doesn't come, no-one's going to be happy.
No, exactly.
That's the Scottish tourism campaign right there.
Nicola Sturgeon can often be seen on the top of a hillock.
Making a haggis come.
Did it help?
- The screaming? - A bit.
- I don't think I've ever tried it. - Now's the time.
Mmm?
Can you hear that?
Whose phone is that?
It's not me.
Mine neither.
Could we start?
Did you both hear that too?
- Maybe we should start. - Yeah.
Fine.
Well... welcome to rehearsals.
I know that this is an unusual first day.
I don't have any of the usual bits and bobs. There's no creative team
to introduce you to, and I don't have a model box to show you,
but you've got the scripts, yeah?
- Yep. - And I've got one of these, so...
Er...
I thought maybe we could just read the scene through, first scene,
and then... ask some questions, take it from there.
Yeah, fine by me.
I thought because we obviously don't know each other very well,
maybe we could just start with something to break the ice. So...
? Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar? ?
? Michael stole the cookie from the cookie jar. ?
What the fuck was that?
I'm sorry! It's a rehearsal exercise.
I'm nervous!
We're not at fucking Sylvia Young's! What are you doing?
I sing...
- ...then Michael sings... - Just be normal, for fuck's sake!
He's a pussycat, but you've got to... You can't roll that shit out.
It's definitely coming from one of you.
- It's not mine. - It's not mine either.
Simon?
Simon! Phone. Jo.
Hi, Jo.
Hi! I'm Lucy. I'm Simon's sister.
- David. Hi. - Michael.
Hi.
You live with Simon, then?
No, he actually lives with me. This is my place.
Ah! Well. It's very lovely,
- what we've seen of it. - Thank you.
I'm a big fan.
- Aww, that's very kind of you. - Yeah, I saw The Pillowman.
Oh!
Well, thank you.
- That was... a very long time ago now. - It never left me.
You need to say something nice about Michael now, or he gets jealous.
- That's actually true. - Well, I saw your Hamlet.
Twice.
- Twice! - Yeah. Er... you seemed
so heartbreakingly conscious of human potential.
Well, that's what I was going for.
You lying shit.
Er, David!
Lucy's not the first person to notice my...
...heartbreaking consciousness of human potential.
Really? Name one other human being
who used that exact collection of words to describe you.
Tim Burton.
Er, I'd better get back to work, so...
Is Simon ever coming back at all, or is he...?
Oh, we've earned a break.
- But it was lovely to meet you both. - You too.
Yes. Lovely to chat to a real theatre fan.
Oh, Lucy! Have you seen much of Simon's work?
...No.
Oh.
Fair enough.
- Lovely. - Mmm.
Big fan of yours.
Yes, and your Pillowman has never left her.
Like some sort of 18th-century STD.
Well, she had to come and see you twice.
Yeah, she couldn't believe it the first time.
Couldn't believe it the first time!
"That can't be what's passing for Hamlet these days," she thought.
"I'd better go back and check."
Not only did it not leave her, she had to come back.
- Yeah. - She didn't want to leave it.
What was it that Tim Burton said?
Er, word for word, he said... "Michael, I loved
"how heartbreaking your consciousness
- "of human potential was in that." - Yeah. That's very good.
You've never actually met Tim Burton, have you?
- No. - No.
I mean, I worked with him, but he wasn't there.
- When's Simon coming back? - I think we're done for the day.
Pleasure working with you, Michael.
You too, David.
Never leave.
- I have three questions. - Sure.
One. Why is this fucking actor's agent calling me
every fucking hour of the fucking day?
He left the fucking project.
Yeah. So his film has been cancelled
so he wants to get back involved again.
- And he can't be. - No.
Well, why?
- Michael. - Can't they both be in it?
- No, there's just the two lead roles. - What's the next biggest role?
Er, there's the mother and, er, the stepdaughter.
Can you write a new character?
- No. - Why not?
It's a 100-year-old masterpiece.
Two. How did he get my fucking number?
- I don't know. - Did you give it to him?
- Yes. - Janine?
Yeah?
Come here.
Is that your assistant? She's there with you?
Yeah.
At yours?
What benefit would she be at hers?
What do you need?
Cancel my phone and get me a new number.
Sorry, Janine!
Three. Can you handle this?
Yep.
What you doing?
Yoga.
- You got some good options? - Mmm.
Loads. I've narrowed it down to five.
Oh, well done. You must be exhausted.
Yeah, that's why I'm having cake.
Where are the kids?
- Quiet. - Are they OK?
- I don't know. - Should they not be doing school?
They're finished for the day.
It's, like, half past ten in the morning!
OK, I'm finished for the day.
How many fucking rainbows does a four-year-old need to make?
How are rehearsals?
Oh, we've just... finished for the day.
You've only been in there for an hour.
Yeah, but it was a really intense hour.
- Well done. You must be exhausted. - I am.
Simon got a phone call from Jo,
so we said we'd pick it up tomorrow.
- So you're done for the day? - Yeah.
Yeah. I was really looking forward to doing something. Maybe I'll cook.
- Could you look after the kids? - I'll cook, maybe.
Mmm. Seriously.
I really need to finish that final draft.
I'll cook as well.
OK.
Coconut water. One bagel.
Grapes.
Pitta bread.
Er, leftover lasagne. Two carrots.
Feta cheese.
And the remains of an Easter egg.
What sort of Easter egg?
Milky Bar.
Nah.
- What, nothing? - Just warm up the lasagne.
She cooked the lasagne!
Well, garnish it with some white chocolate shavings.
- I promised I would cook! - You have nothing of culinary value.
I have two carrots!
Then cook the carrots!
- You're no help. - What's this in aid of?
- Georgia's novel! - Mmm!
- Yeah. - Yes, of course.
I've been... Look, I've been looking after the kids, like,
all day, practically, so that she's got time to edit the last chapter,
and I thought, "Wouldn't it be lovely
"if there was a lovely meal prepared for her at the end of it?"
Oh, that's very nice.
Is that you on that mug?
No. Home schooling's been slowing her down, so...
Ah. Well, yes. I mean, I'd jack it in if I were...
Teach them a craft instead. Get them up a chimney.
Mmm.
- Pickpocketing! - Like in Oliver Twist?
Yeah. You could send them out across London
and back they'd come, their little withered arms
full of plunder.
"I bring home some neckerchiefs and wristwatches!"
"I sold my legs, Father.
"Can I have a little morsel?"
- It's not a bad idea. - Just planting seeds.
It is in stark contravention of social distancing laws.
Oh, well, I assumed if you were OK
with your kids robbing total strangers,
you'd be fine with them ignoring the 2m rule.
I think ethically it's a grey area, I'd say.
- You'd be a good Fagin. - Mmm.
You'd be a good Nancy.
Thank you.
No, I've never seen it before now,
but just looking at you, if I met you now for the first time
and I didn't know you, I'd think, "He's up to no good."
Heh! You know, I...
I am, actually...
...up to no good.
Pray tell me more.
Ah, it's not that bad. Really. Er...
Just during the lockdown,
Anna and I have been drinking a little more than usual.
- I'm sure that's all right. - It's not excessive.
No, no.
But when we emptied the recycling this morning,
er, and got ready to put the bottles in the wheelie bin...
- Yeah. - ...on the road, it did look a bit...
- Excessive. Yes. - Yes.
Which is why I'm nervous about...
...leaving the pile
on the side of the road, outside the house.
People know it's me who lives here.
- Well, what are you going to do? - I'm going to sneak out tonight
- and put them in my neighbour's bin. - You can't do that.
Yes, I can!
- What if their bin's full? - It won't be! She's 80.
She doesn't even recycle properly.
You are sneaking out under cover of night
to leave your Bacchanalian embarrassment
in your octogenarian neighbour's bin?
- Bacchanalian embarrassment? - That's right, yes.
Yes, I am.
Anna?
No, no, don't, no...
- Anna! - She knows! She knows!
Anna!
- All right. - Hi!
- Hi. - Hi!
Er, David doesn't agree with our recycling plan.
You know about this plan?
- I do. - And you're fine with it?
Would you rather we didn't recycle?
No...
Did you know that Georgia's writing a novel?
- Oh! - She's finishing today.
Oh, what's it about?
Spanish queen and... Columbus? Something about Columbus?
Isabella de Castile?
Isabella de Castile.
Maybe, yeah.
- Wonderful! - Mmm.
- I haven't got the patience to write. - Of course you do.
- I'd like to try it. - Oh, you should. Put me in it.
Nah. I'm very proud of Georgia.
- Have you told her that? - Cooking her dinner...
Mmm. Something with carrots.
- Ooh! - Mmm.
- Oh, hang on. Sorry. - Do you need to go?
Er, looks like it.
Oh, no, Georgia's there. Beat me to it.
Yeah. No, I mean...
On the phone, I think. She's on the phone.
Yeah, David was brilliant, actually. He was so supportive.
- Yeah. - Saying nice things about me.
Yeah, we can hear!
It's just that he's not been the same since lockdown started.
He's listless, you know? He can't focus or get anything done.
You know, yesterday, he went out into the garden
and just screamed.
I'm sure it's nothing serious. It's just not like him, you know,
and... the kids have noticed a bit...
I don't know how you switch this off.
- It's not good enough, Simon. - I know.
You spent no small amount of effort persuading us to do this,
then you disappear for a day and a night.
I know. I've just been trying to deal with a small problem.
- What problem? - And I wanted to wait
and come back to you when it was all resolved.
- And has it been resolved? - Not yet.
- What is it? - And if your face freezes
like a punched quiche again, I'm done.
Do not answer that door, Simon.
- It's not my door. - It's not mine.
I am getting very tired of this.
Michael! Door!
I'll be right back.
David, I'm sorry. I will explain everything to you and Michael
- as soon as he's back. - Just need to focus a bit more.
The whole thing so far's just been a bit...
I know.
But the other actor, it's him, from before.
He's been calling again and again. He wants to get involved.
- I've got to go. - What is it?
My neighbour's at the gate. She brought my fucking bottles back.
I've been thinking about what Georgia was saying
and what you were saying about writing.
Oh! You... You thinking of dipping your toe
- in those murky waters? - Maybe, yeah.
Mmm.
I don't think I want to use my actual name, though.
A nom de plume!
- Oui-oui. - Ohh! Très bien!
- Uh-huh, yeah. - Any ideas?
Well, my birth name's McDonald.
McDonald.
MuckDonald.
"Written by David McDonald."
"A novel by David McDonald."
"A play? By David McDonald?!"
Yes! Yeah, what do you think?
I like it! Very much.
- Yeah. - It's got history,
it's got, er, it's got nobility...
I might rebrand completely.
Acting too!
- Well, maybe. - Oof.
That's very bold.
Is it too bold?
Well... now's the time.
"Starring...
"...David McDonald."
"Starring David McDonald."
Of course, you know what that means.
No!
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