Hi, I'm Patrick. It's my first day.
Oh yeah, you?re the guy who won the squire tournament
by tucking his testicles between his legs.
Not the rep I hoped for.
'Sup, homie?
- Broth, what are you doing here? - I get to be a squire too!
Turns out my mom is one-quarter Viking. I?m a diversity hire.
Look at all these white assholes.
We?re supposed to be training, but the instructor hasn?t shown up yet.
- Oh, shit! - First rule of bein' a squire:
- Never let down your guard. - What's the second rule?
Rules two through eight are mostly about who goes first at a four-way stop,
Secret Santa protocol, that kind of thing.
It gets good again around number nine. Line up!
My name is Sergeant Meghan,
and it?s my job to polish you wet turds into diamonds!
I?ve shed blood on battlefields from here to the river Styx!
I've burned my own pubes for a signal fire!
I know how to field dress a man and use him as a sleeping bag!
Your skin looks cozy as hell.
Thank you?
Fairies! They?re so beautiful!
Out in the wild, you eat what you catch
or you starve.
Wait. You don't mean...?
Yahhh!
They key is not to care about them.
Hey, Patrick, come get in on these tasty wangs!
Um...
Oh... - Whoa!
Oh, hello! I'm Sprinkles! What's your name?
Um, Patrick?
Patrick? I have a son named Patrick! Where are you from?
Well... - Oh, I live in a well too!
We have so much in common, Patrick!
Ugh, I can't eat you.
Who am I to be the arbiter of life and death?
Your loss. I'm fuckin' delicious!
It burns!
Because glitter is fairy shit!
What?
Patrick, you just graduated from the shit list to the shart list.
Prepare to change your clothes.
CREDITS
Your Highness, the latest poll numbers are in,
and the people are not happy.
What are the walking garbage pails complaining about this time?
Well, your decision to trade all of the grain reserves for a handful of beans.
Magic beans.
You planted them months ago, Sire, and...
Have a little faith, Blinkerquartz.
Take me to the sky.
Luckily, I'm the king. I can't be voted out of office.
Correct! Which means the people?s first and only option
is to revolt and murder you.
That is graphic.
On second thought, let?s get those poll numbers up.
Excuse me, Your Royal Majesty.
Someone's on Sgt. Meghan's shart list.
I love a good hazing! Lay it on us.
Bad bunny, bad bunny, fell down on...
Like you mean it! You're a bad bunny.
Bad bunny, bad bunny, fell down on his tail.
No carrot cake for Bunny, 'cause he's in bad bunny jail.
Thank you, Patrick, for thoroughly wasting our time.
If we could get back to the poll numbers, please.
Let's ask bad bunny.
What would you do if you were the King and wanted everyone to love you?
Well, let's see here, uh, modernize the sewer system.
Public education.
Uh, ooh, how about a social safety net?
I?m a king, not a genie. Give me a shortcut.
But shortcuts tend to be bad and wasteful.
I mean, building statues, starting wars, parades, public executions...
Great Caesar?s ghost! The kid?s right! We need a public execution!
- No, I meant... - To the archives! Follow me!
Well, congratulations, Patrick.
You?ve just unleashed a fresh hell on all of us.
I know it's around here somewhere!
Due east! Halt! Back!
Hmm... perfect!
Ah!
A-ha! Found it!
Did you know Gutenberg?s first print job was a titty mag?
It?s true what they say,
every new content platform is driven by porn.
Okay, let?s find the other thing. Due west!
Halt!
I drew it as a wee lad: the world?s greatest execution machine!
Um, I?m not sure this is structurally sound.
That?s because you?re a dumb-ass squire and not the royal architect!
I am the Royal Architect, and this is unbuildable.
- The King wants it by tomorrow. - This is a goddamn fever dream!
How am I supposed to turn this into a real working machine?
And this part, it?s just a mean limerick about his dad.
Is it supposed to be load-bearing?
As a special treat, tomorrow we?ll be training somewhere new:
Naked Lady Island.
- I'm already hard. - Except you, Patrick.
Arrgh! - The King says you?re on execution duty.
I'm what?
Sucks to be you, Patrick!
We?ll tell you all about Naked Lady Island, buddy!
- I just might move there permanently! - -.
A death machine? You know what we?re putting to death?
My hair and makeup budget! That's what!
What happened to the old days when we?d just stone people to death?
It was such a crowd-pleaser! People like to feel included.
That?s why we?re doing audience participation.
This kid could win a college scholarship at halftime.
All I have to do is kick a ball through that hoop.
That?s right, sweetie. A ball.
Here, get used to kicking something with a face on it.
I?m gonna be educated! It was my papa?s dying wish!
- Oh, great. - Her papa was the last guy I executed.
That's... haunting. But perfect segue:
I heard I?ve been assigned to the execution tomorrow.
I?m honored but maybe I?m not the best choice.
Why not?
Okay. I think the death penalty is, uh, wrong.
Kid, I am so with you. We can?t put every prisoner to death.
- Exactly! - An execution is a "sometimes treat."
- Like ice cream, dancing, butt stuff. - Right! Wait.
And that?s why I can?t execute some average schmoe tomorrow.
You go down to the dungeons for me and pick out a real all-star.
You know, a true shitball.
You want me to decide who dies? I can?t play God!
God?ll never know! God doesn?t even know your name!
It's the perfect crime!
Watermelon! Watermelon! Watermelon!
Stop fucking around!
We have to finish in three hours and we haven?t even started the hot tub!
Holy shit! The King?s finally gonna execute me!
I?m not ready! I knew I was a huge deal,
but I didn?t realize my life was in danger!
I?m terrified but also... so flattered.
Oh, I can see it now: adoring fans chanting my name.
Ruben! Ruben! Ruben!
My final words. Everyone staring at me. Not a dry eye in the house.
Ruben, it sounds like you want to be executed.
Fuck, Dirk, I don?t want to be executed.
I want them to want me to be executed. It means I've made it!
They're going to execute me!
You seem unusually okay with it.
Coconut, they?ll never catch me.
But do you realize how rare it is
for a woman to get recognized in this industry?
Is it true?
The squire who couldn?t even eat a delicious fairy
now holds power over life and death?
What are you doing here, Sprinkles? Do I own you by fairy law now?
Oh, no. I'm haunting you till the day you die.
All your friends ate my friends!
I saw my fiancé get eaten like a fucking corn on the cob!
We just sent out our save-the-dates!
We hired a calligrapher, who was also eaten!
Are you trying to make me cry?
_
Oh-ho-ho! Big commotion at the castle! Oh, talk of the town!
Hear they?re executing someone pretty important!
Kind of a bigwig. Everyone wants to blow him.
- I wonder who, though. - Ain't been announced yet.
As the flier guy, I?d be first to know.
My money?s on Ruben the Rogue.
- No. Never heard of him. - Ruben the Rogue?
Robs people in the forest, wears a lot of green,
feather in the cap, real panty-dropper of a mustache.
- Come on, man! - That sounds like Robin Hood.
Fuck Hood. That?s because he?s been ripping off Ruben for years!
So, big execution, huh? My money?s on Coral, the pirate queen.
Piss off, Coral! You don't know shit.
This is my year! I mean, Ruben's year!
That's crazy talk!
Who do you think is the best worst criminal, random flier guy?
Well, if you ask me, best, worst...
It?s all a big popularity contest, ya know?
Just a big execution industry circle jerk that... oh, they're gone.
_
Stick together, people!
Jesus! - The itinerary said nude beach.
There was no itinerary.
- - Guys! I found them! - -
- Hell yeah!
Uh, naked ladies? Hello?!
Guys, I've never seen a naked lady before.
Are they supposed to... hiss?
Look, guys! Barry's rock hard!
Broth! Shut the fuck up and run!
Enjoy the teamwork exercise! -
_
- Ah! What in the blue hell? - _.
Do they know I'm in charge of the execution?
- Oh no. Everybody's getting them. - _
"The sea has never been scarier."
This seems like an enormous waste of money.
Hi everybody! I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, I brought lollipops! Yay!
The bad news is, I need a volunteer... to die.
Anyone wanna take one for the team?
Anyone feeling terminally ill? Maybe just sad in general?
I'd say we're all sad in general.
I guess we're doing this the hard way.
Phillip Smallface? Arsonist?
Let me break it down for you.
If I light a church on fire and it doesn?t rain,
I ask you, is that on me or is that on Jesus?
Okay. Charles Reinhold, AKA Chuckster the Huckster.
It says you stole the life savings of hundreds of grandmas,
meemaws, nanas, abuelitas, bubbies, babbas, and obaasans.
Yes, I used it to buy a gold yacht for my underage mistress,
and they both sank to the bottom of the river.
Yikes. Okay, Engelbert Tinklepaw, you... ate your dad?
I didn't eat him on purpose. He fell into the barbecue pit.
It was a tragic, but in a certain light, hilarious mix-up.
Right. Uh, Pam.
You're a witch? - I'm not a witch!
I'm just asking for equal pay for men and women!
Witch! Witch!
What about this guy over here?
Blarney?! Why are you here?
Hey, Patrick. I couldn?t live under that bridge a second longer, man!
My roommate?s a real troll. He kept posting lies about me on the web.
_
Mm-kay. Who did I miss?
What about in here?
What the...?
Oh, hi! Welcome to the Queen's sex dungeon,
AKA the "fun dungeon"!
Now, a couple of ground rules. The safe word is "S! xty-n! ne."
But spelled out, capital S, and the I?s are exclamation points.
- - So, who's the big winner? - - This is my worst nightmare.
Eh. Flip a coin.
I?m gonna take a deep dive into that "fun dungeon."
Oooo, "fungeon"!
Hang in there, O?Brien! Ol? buddy, ol? chum!
On the count of three, I?m gonna be back in my sunroom
drinking sweet tea with my labradoodle.
One, two, three. Ahhh!
Guys, remember, don't look them in the eye! Shing!
Just stare at their tits.
In this case, it?s perfectly appropriate!
So, what do you do when you?re not slithering around a cave,
murdering emotionally available squires?
You free later? How do you feel about pub trivia?
Fun time is over.
Guess it's time to let those idiots out.
_
I?ve got to admit, advertising works. I want them both to die.
We've had an enlightening two-and-a-half hours with Coral and Ruben.
It?s a tragedy that both of them can?t be executed.
We have time for one more question.
This question's for both of you.
What would you say to the King right now
to convince him you deserve to be executed?
Should I...? - Are you...?
Oh. No. Oh. - Oh, did you want to...?
If you can. - Okay.
Well, first of all, great question.
I would tell the King to follow his heart.
There's a lot of great criminals to choose from,
but I?ve put together a fantastic body of work that speaks for itself.
No disrespect to Coral... She's a fine pirate...
But I think it's time for a bandit to be executed.
Forest-based crime doesn't get the recognition it deserves.
Uh, actually, what about Robin Hood?
Listen, let me tell you about fuck-stick Robin Hood.
Steal from the rich and give to the poor?
He stole my look and gave it to himself!
Let's give our panelists a hand.
I'll see you in hell.
Not if I get there first.
Oh, I?ll be there first,
and I?ll be waiting with a platter of crudités.
I?ll bring my friend Satan, because he and I will have already bonded
while we were waiting for your stinky-ass to show up.
_
- Oof, I gotta boil my fists after that. - Gross.
How?s it going out here? - Well, I?m down to the "ate his dad" guy
and the "mistress-drowning grandma embezzler."
I'm pretty sure he ate his dad on purpose, but the evidence was all circumstantial.
- Chuckster is open and shut. - Pffft. Come on!
You could throw a dart in here and hit someone who deserves to be executed.
No one deserves it.
But, as much as it pains me, I think I gotta choose the Chuckster.
Or do I? - Eh. Good luck with that.
Gotta go be a human strap-on.
The most important thing at an execution:
don?t lose your head!
It's hard to get ahead nowadays!
You suck, Bungles!
Who me?
Boooo!
It?s Dick Scab Guy from the web!
The time has come for justice!
The time has come for a favorable impression of the King
in all future public opinion surveys!
And stick around as one lucky fan plays the Halftime Scholarship Challenge!
Now, bring out the condemned!
Chuckster the Huckster! -
- Come on, that's bullshit! - Ho-ho! Of course it's a man!
Chuckster the Huckster? I?ve never even heard of this guy!
If it couldn?t be me, I wish it was you dying up there.
Oh, thanks, sis. That means a lot.
I?m sworn to protect the realm, and that includes convicts, too.
Hope this is the right piece.
Sabotage? I didn?t think you had it in you.
Prisoners are human beings. Even awful ones like Charles Reinhold.
This murder-tainment is gross.
If we kill people for our amusement, then who are we to judge Reinhold?
Maybe I didn?t give you a fair shake, Patrick.
Your heart's in the right place.
I mean, I wish you were dead instead of everyone I loved,
but you're an okay dude.
Death ma-chine! Death ma-chine! Death ma-chine!
- I feel a poll rising! - In your pants? Heh.
Never step on my punchlines.
Charles Reinhold, AKA Chuckster the Huckster,
you are hereby sentenced to death. Any last words?
Quite a few. For you see...
I?m not "Charles Reinhold." I'm...
Robin Hood?!
That's right!
The real Charles Reinhold drowned on his gold yacht!
I took his place to infiltrate the castle, and here I am!
Thief! Thief! He stole my look!
Once again, King Merriman, I have ruined your evil schemes.
Anyone can see this was a stunt to win the favor of the people.
Try feeding the poor and fixing the roads.
But that?s expensive! And boring!
People don?t like stunts. They like results.
And that?s why everyone needs to look under their chairs!
They?re full of gold coins!
- Don't kill Robin Hood! - Robin Hood for president!
Fuck me, Robin Hood!
Goddammit, they?re turning on me!
Little John! Let?s bounce!
- He seems really popular. - He did win fair and square.
Oh, dear. Arrrgh!
Ahhh!
Fuck! That could've been one of us!
In hindsight, who cares about stupid awards?
Cheer, people! Cheer, for God?s sake!
It?s an execution! It?s supposed to be fun!
Oh, thank Christ.
- What's happening?! - I did it! I saved him!
Little John! Anybody!
The mercy bolt! It's gone!
"Mercy bolt"?
Oh, God! This is so much worse!
I can taste the blade!
Who would design a machine like this?!
Ack!
Patrick, is this a bad time to confess
that Sgt. Meghan didn?t find that fairy field by accident?
I traded her the lives of my fellow fairies for opium.
- - What?! - -
Get a loan like the rest of us!
Feels good to get it off my...
- This could not have gone worse. - It went about how I expected.
What kind of monster built that thing? The King is a madman!
What if he puts us in the machine?
I think I love the king now!
I now approve of our psychopathic king!
We?re 100% loyal, your grace!
You know, Your Majesty, some say it is better to be feared than loved.
Y?know what? I?ll take that W.
Patrick...
I'm sorry! Please don't put me in the machine!
Ha! You?re hilarious. We crushed it today!
We did?
Nobody?s gonna mess with a king that puréed a folk hero!
This job?s not as black and white as I thought.
Did I help the kingdom or commit murder?
"Cheer up, Patrick! You did a good job!
Here, you win a free hat!"
Thanks.
This was the worst day of my life. -.
What happened?!
Naked Lady Island was shit!
Today?s lesson: if you let your guard down for a second,
- you end up like Barry. - Barry? We lost Barry?!
I mean, we didn't really lose him.
Does anyone want to switch bunks? Barry?s creepin' me out.
Oh, stop asking! Just go to sleep!
Patrick, you should've seen her!
Snakes for hair and built like a brick shit house.
I?m gonna marry that woman.
Jesus Christ, go to sleep.
Oh, my fucking God!
I think I hate being a squire.
Patrick, do me a favor and hiss like a snake for me.
CREDITS