1 00:00:04,226 --> 00:00:10,148 CREDITS 2 00:00:28,421 --> 00:00:31,315 _ 3 00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:35,034 ? Guys! Wait! - _ 4 00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,869 We're not allowed to be up here. 5 00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:38,955 Mom and Dad said it's dangerous. 6 00:00:38,956 --> 00:00:42,251 ? "Blah, blah, blah. Mom and Dad said, Mom and Dad said!" 7 00:00:45,337 --> 00:00:48,047 ? Wow, I wonder what the king is doing right now! 8 00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:52,301 Probably being all wise and good while he does, like, a million push?ups. 9 00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:54,136 ? Maybe he's watching us through his telescope! 10 00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:55,388 ? Whoa. You think? 11 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:58,517 ? Oh yeah! And he's all like, "Why's that kid being such a pussy?" 12 00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:03,896 They're beautiful! 13 00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:08,901 ? The legend says every dragon nest contains one egg of pure gold. 14 00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:11,529 ? Pure gold? I thought it was pure chocolate. 15 00:01:11,530 --> 00:01:13,823 ? I heard it was an egg full of gold coins, 16 00:01:13,824 --> 00:01:16,325 but when you peel off the foil, it's chocolate inside. 17 00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:18,828 ? How would a dragon gestate something that complicated 18 00:01:18,829 --> 00:01:20,371 in its womb, you fucking idiot? 19 00:01:20,372 --> 00:01:22,039 ? I'm not an idiot, Ruben! 20 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:25,251 ? Honestly, Blarney, I can't take you seriously in that clown makeup. 21 00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:28,087 ? Hey Coral, you know I'm going to clown college. 22 00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:30,715 Clowning is a "profession on the rise." 23 00:01:30,716 --> 00:01:33,968 That's a quote directly from Unemployed Clown magazine. 24 00:01:33,969 --> 00:01:36,388 ? Let's hurry before mama dragon comes home! 25 00:01:40,684 --> 00:01:43,395 No gold in this one. ? Stop! This feels wrong! 26 00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:47,607 Aw, man. Nothing. 27 00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:49,651 ? I don't want to do this anymore! 28 00:01:51,403 --> 00:01:54,989 I don't want the gold if it means hurting the babies! 29 00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:57,825 ? One egg left, Patrick. ? Do it, Patrick. 30 00:01:57,826 --> 00:01:59,869 ? I don't want to! 31 00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:02,914 ? Ugh, you'll never get anywhere in life following the rules! 32 00:02:02,915 --> 00:02:03,956 ? We thought you were cool, dude. 33 00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:07,460 ? Aah! Well, I hope this is the golden one. 34 00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:09,879 ? ? 35 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:12,381 ? ? 36 00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:14,968 ? Aah! 37 00:02:28,190 --> 00:02:30,441 ? ? 38 00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:32,902 ? She's mad for no reason! Run! 39 00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:35,697 ? Stay away from my sheep, you little bastards! 40 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,582 ? See ya, fucksticks! 41 00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:52,005 Whew! 42 00:02:54,258 --> 00:02:56,009 Well, shit. 43 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,975 ? That is the worst thing I've ever seen! 44 00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:06,018 ? ? 45 00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,520 ? I found him! Help me get him?? 46 00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:11,315 ? Good luck, man! Remember! Don't be a pussy! 47 00:03:11,316 --> 00:03:13,484 ? You're just gonna leave us behind? 48 00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:15,444 You're the worst siblings ever! 49 00:03:15,445 --> 00:03:18,322 Sucks to be you! We're in your life forever! 50 00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:21,285 Forever! Forever! Forever! 51 00:03:23,453 --> 00:03:28,041 ? Aah! No! 52 00:03:33,255 --> 00:03:34,964 Here's your baby! 53 00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:36,925 Please, punish me but spare my brother! 54 00:03:38,635 --> 00:03:40,512 ? ? 55 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:45,851 ? That poor mama dragon. We killed her babies. 56 00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:48,769 Plus whatever that body count ends up being. 57 00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:51,856 I... I swear I'm gonna make it up to everybody! 58 00:03:51,857 --> 00:03:55,067 I'll... I'll help people! Like the king! 59 00:03:55,068 --> 00:04:00,449 I'm gonna be the best knight the kingdom has ever seen! 60 00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:05,065 Weird day. 61 00:04:05,190 --> 00:04:07,041 _ 62 00:04:08,665 --> 00:04:12,084 ? Okay, Patrick, ten years of training has led to this. 63 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:14,504 The king is watching. No pressure. 64 00:04:14,505 --> 00:04:16,048 And... go! 65 00:04:19,176 --> 00:04:22,595 ? Watching this idiot is the best thing about living next door. 66 00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:25,306 ? Glenn and Doreen must be so embarrassed. 67 00:04:25,307 --> 00:04:27,558 First their kid burns down the whole town, 68 00:04:27,559 --> 00:04:30,686 now this, this?? What do you call this? 69 00:04:30,687 --> 00:04:34,148 ? I don't know. Some sort of cosplay jack?off session. 70 00:04:34,149 --> 00:04:35,317 Shh, I love this part. 71 00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:41,989 ? Patrick! Come inside! 72 00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:43,866 ? Mom, I'm practicing! 73 00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:45,826 It's important, sweetheart! 74 00:04:45,827 --> 00:04:47,328 ? Looking good, kiddo! 75 00:04:47,329 --> 00:04:51,207 ? Patrick, your father and I have something to tell you. Glenn? 76 00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:52,750 ? You need to get a job. 77 00:04:52,751 --> 00:04:55,753 ? A job? No, I'm training to be a knight! 78 00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:58,422 It all started when we climbed that mountain for the dragon eggs?? 79 00:04:58,423 --> 00:05:00,800 ? We know, we know, blah, blah, blah, endangered species, 80 00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:03,177 killed its babies, no more dragons. ? Wait. What was that last part? 81 00:05:03,178 --> 00:05:05,763 ? My God. Look, every kid wants to be a knight, 82 00:05:05,764 --> 00:05:08,140 but do you know how many kids actually go pro? 83 00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:10,101 ? Look at your brothers and your sister. 84 00:05:10,102 --> 00:05:11,811 They all have good jobs. 85 00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:14,063 ? Good jobs? Are you insane? 86 00:05:14,064 --> 00:05:16,440 ? Ruben works for the forest service. 87 00:05:16,441 --> 00:05:18,317 ? A roving gang of bandits. 88 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,944 ? Blarney's in the fine arts. 89 00:05:19,945 --> 00:05:21,445 ? Alcoholic birthday clown. 90 00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:22,947 ? Pays to have a backup career. 91 00:05:22,948 --> 00:05:26,450 ? And Coral is the CEO of her own shipping company! 92 00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:29,204 ? Mom, she's a goddamn fucking pirate queen! 93 00:05:31,123 --> 00:05:33,416 Listen, I know you love us equally?? 94 00:05:33,417 --> 00:05:34,750 ? Uh, I mean... 95 00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:36,878 ? But I'm tired of being the black sheep. 96 00:05:36,879 --> 00:05:39,046 When I'm a knight, you're gonna realize 97 00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:41,632 I'm the white sheep and they're the black sheep! 98 00:05:41,633 --> 00:05:44,845 Then I'm finally gonna be front and center on the Christmas cards! 99 00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:47,763 ? Oh, you all look so adorable! 100 00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:49,223 ? Yeah, well, sink or swim, hero. 101 00:05:49,224 --> 00:05:51,934 I'm putting a pool table in your bedroom, and it's getting delivered tomorrow. 102 00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:53,603 ? You're kicking me out tomorrow? 103 00:05:53,604 --> 00:05:54,896 ? Let's just put it this way, 104 00:05:54,897 --> 00:05:58,107 I'm getting that pool table tomorrow and fucking your mother on it. 105 00:05:58,108 --> 00:06:00,193 Now, whether you're here or not, that's your choice. 106 00:06:00,194 --> 00:06:03,237 ? Sounds like both of you have dreams that won't come true. 107 00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:04,864 ? Aw. 108 00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,949 ? Aah, this is such bullcrap! 109 00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:08,951 How am I supposed to atone for my sins 110 00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:12,371 by taking a job at a "children's hospital"? 111 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,457 Okay, bad example. 112 00:06:14,458 --> 00:06:18,920 But I'm certainly not gonna work at this "hospice for toddlers." 113 00:06:18,921 --> 00:06:20,839 Jeez, the kids around here have problems. 114 00:06:21,798 --> 00:06:23,508 What's that one? Gravedigger for tweens? 115 00:06:23,509 --> 00:06:26,594 ? It's an announcement for the King's Annual Squire Tournament. 116 00:06:26,595 --> 00:06:29,055 ? It's the Squire Tournament! 117 00:06:29,056 --> 00:06:32,099 ? Oh! That's nice! That's why I put it on a public bulletin board: 118 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:33,643 so only one person sees it. 119 00:06:33,644 --> 00:06:35,895 ? It's tomorrow? No, it's usually in July! 120 00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,606 ? Yeah, there's an opening. Something about a friendly fire incident. 121 00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:41,025 Except with a sword. If you ask me, it sounds like murder. 122 00:06:41,026 --> 00:06:44,737 ? But I'm not done preparing! I can't win! 123 00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:46,197 Or can I? 124 00:06:46,198 --> 00:06:48,783 This could be the answer to all my problems. 125 00:06:48,784 --> 00:06:50,409 ? Now, the question is, do I even need to be here? 126 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,250 Because I'm starting to feel like set dressing. 127 00:06:52,496 --> 00:06:54,163 Okay, no goodbye. 128 00:06:54,164 --> 00:06:56,917 So, I guess in your mind, it wasn't even a real conversation. 129 00:06:58,043 --> 00:07:02,005 When I die, who will put up the flier to fill my job? I bet no one. 130 00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:06,801 ? So long, Mom and Dad. 131 00:07:06,802 --> 00:07:10,513 The next time you see me, I'll be the king's new squire! 132 00:07:10,514 --> 00:07:12,306 This I swear because?? 133 00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:13,850 ? Shut up, you stupid cat! 134 00:07:13,851 --> 00:07:14,893 ? Aah! 135 00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:24,360 Wow. The king lives in that castle! 136 00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:25,695 No fucking shit, moron! 137 00:07:25,696 --> 00:07:27,613 ? This is really happening! 138 00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:30,908 I?? I think I'm having a panic attack. 139 00:07:30,909 --> 00:07:34,871 My family's dead from plague, but your problems seem equally hard! 140 00:07:34,872 --> 00:07:38,374 ? Okay, first lesson about Kingstown: don't say your thoughts out loud. 141 00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:40,668 It's true! We hate that! 142 00:07:40,669 --> 00:07:42,045 Fuckface! 143 00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:47,758 ? Can I interest you in a novelty shot glass you'll never use? 144 00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:50,845 ? No thanks, I'm not in the market for garbage. Whoa, bobbleheads! 145 00:07:50,846 --> 00:07:53,639 Wow, King Merriman! I'm gettin' this! 146 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:54,849 Huh? Who's this one? 147 00:07:54,850 --> 00:07:58,144 That's our most famous local hooker, HPV Annie! 148 00:07:58,145 --> 00:07:59,270 ? She spread HPV? 149 00:07:59,271 --> 00:08:01,230 ? No, she cured it. 150 00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:04,275 She whored her way to a biochemistry doctorate. 151 00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:06,277 Of course she had HPV, you idiot! 152 00:08:06,278 --> 00:08:07,695 ? You're a pretty rude salesman. 153 00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:10,448 ? Look, I'm sorry. I just found out I have HPV. 154 00:08:10,449 --> 00:08:13,159 ? Kid, you must be an interior decorator, 155 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,745 the way you're eyeing these yeti pelt throw rugs! 156 00:08:15,746 --> 00:08:18,831 ? Well, I thought yetis were white. Why are these so yellow? 157 00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:22,376 ? Fun fact, yetis piss themselves when you shoot ?em. 158 00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:24,921 ? Uh... ? They also scream, scream, 159 00:08:24,922 --> 00:08:27,131 scream for mama, but mama ain't comin'. 160 00:08:27,132 --> 00:08:28,508 Ain't nobody comin'. 161 00:08:28,509 --> 00:08:31,845 Nobody ?cept me and my peltin' knife. 162 00:08:32,638 --> 00:08:35,932 ? I can tell you've got an eye for black?light art, friendo. 163 00:08:35,933 --> 00:08:38,351 ? Orcs playing poker? Kind of tacky. 164 00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:40,520 ? You got a problem with orcs? ? No, I?? 165 00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:43,272 ? What about orcs who move to the big city to pursue their dreams 166 00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:46,567 only to find the art community insular and snobbish? 167 00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:48,194 ? Are you talking about yourself? 168 00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:51,322 ? Me? I'm definitely not an orc 169 00:08:51,323 --> 00:08:53,533 who turned out to be way less talented than he thought. 170 00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:56,078 ? Okay. ? Please buy a painting! 171 00:08:58,497 --> 00:09:01,082 ? Okay, here's my application. 172 00:09:01,083 --> 00:09:03,042 ? Great! I just need your application fee. 173 00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:05,169 ? Newbie, huh? Not me! 174 00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:08,256 Eighth time's the charm, as the saying goes. 175 00:09:08,257 --> 00:09:09,966 ? Nobody says that. Hi, I'm Patrick. 176 00:09:09,967 --> 00:09:11,801 ? The name's Broth. 177 00:09:11,802 --> 00:09:14,554 The best part of any soup, also as the saying goes. 178 00:09:14,555 --> 00:09:16,472 ? Nobody says that. ? So if you forget my name, 179 00:09:16,473 --> 00:09:19,100 just picture a bowl of soup attempting something eight times. 180 00:09:19,101 --> 00:09:22,019 ? Hey, I've never done this before. Do you mind if I tag along with you? 181 00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:25,815 ? Not at all! Don't worry, everyone gets butterflies before the tournament. 182 00:09:25,816 --> 00:09:28,818 You see that bush over there? I've puked behind it eight years in a row! 183 00:09:28,819 --> 00:09:31,445 Oh gross, someone set their stuff in it. 184 00:09:31,446 --> 00:09:34,490 ? That's... my stuff. 185 00:09:34,491 --> 00:09:37,326 ? All righty! I just need your fee. 186 00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:38,412 ? Great. 187 00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:42,457 Hmm? 188 00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:50,173 You think anyone can tell my armor is 90 percent aluminum foil? 189 00:09:50,174 --> 00:09:51,424 ? No. 190 00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:52,925 ? You see that sweet armor down there? 191 00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:55,887 The dildo inside is named Holden. 192 00:09:55,888 --> 00:09:57,808 He's the odds?on favorite to win. ? There's odds? 193 00:10:00,809 --> 00:10:02,436 Aw! They misspelled my name! 194 00:10:03,187 --> 00:10:04,855 Huh. It seems accurate. 195 00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:09,400 ? All hail His Royal Majesty King Merriman 196 00:10:09,401 --> 00:10:12,486 and Her Royal Highness Queen Tulip! 197 00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:17,283 ? I'm breathing the same air as the king and queen! 198 00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:19,368 I wonder what they're talking about. 199 00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:21,370 I bet it's something important! 200 00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:24,916 ? Those tulips look like they've already seen a red carpet or two. 201 00:10:24,917 --> 00:10:29,128 ? We're recycling them now because they are fucking expensive. 202 00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:30,922 ? For the price of this stupid tournament, 203 00:10:30,923 --> 00:10:34,342 we could buy so many tulips I'd have tulips coming out of my asshole. 204 00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:36,261 ? It's a dream come true! 205 00:10:37,262 --> 00:10:39,388 ? Tell him it's going to be a nightmare come true 206 00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:41,642 when I get done kicking the unholy shit out of him. 207 00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:45,436 ? Yeah, Holden says good luck. 208 00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:47,105 ? Tell him thanks! 209 00:10:48,899 --> 00:10:51,026 ? He says to go fuck yourself. 210 00:10:55,656 --> 00:10:58,324 ? Wow! Do those tulips look subpar to anyone else? 211 00:10:58,325 --> 00:11:00,618 ? Ready... aim... 212 00:11:00,619 --> 00:11:02,412 squire! 213 00:11:08,794 --> 00:11:11,255 ? This is it! Time to shine! 214 00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:15,258 Aah! Ow! Low blow! Low blow! 215 00:11:15,259 --> 00:11:16,843 That was a rules violation! 216 00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:20,263 Deduct five points from that man at once! 217 00:11:20,264 --> 00:11:21,597 ? Oh! Aah! 218 00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:26,603 ? Sorry! Sorry! Hope the damage isn't sperm? anent! 219 00:11:30,983 --> 00:11:33,693 ? Jesus, that kid's got a piņata for a sack. 220 00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:36,655 ? Oh God! It's my childhood all over again! 221 00:11:37,906 --> 00:11:41,158 Ow! ? Nut shot! 222 00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:43,619 - ? Aah! - Nut shot! 223 00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,997 Pirate?style! 224 00:11:45,998 --> 00:11:49,167 ? It's not fair! Girls don't have nutsacks! 225 00:11:49,168 --> 00:11:51,419 ? ? Girls don't have nutsacks, 226 00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:53,087 don't have nutsacks. 227 00:11:53,088 --> 00:11:54,173 I remember now! 228 00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:55,674 ? Nut shot! 229 00:11:56,425 --> 00:11:59,343 Huh? ? Countered, motherfucker! 230 00:11:59,344 --> 00:12:01,971 ? Aah! But how? 231 00:12:01,972 --> 00:12:05,893 ? My penis and balls are tucked safely between my legs! 232 00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:09,104 ? Huh? 233 00:12:17,696 --> 00:12:18,696 ? Yes! 234 00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:22,784 ? Hmm. 235 00:12:24,995 --> 00:12:28,540 ? Welcome... to the next level, fools! 236 00:12:30,125 --> 00:12:34,629 Who will dare match wits with the royal magician Blinkerquartz? 237 00:12:34,630 --> 00:12:36,756 ? Wow, I can't wait to meet him! 238 00:12:36,757 --> 00:12:38,132 ? It's me, fuckhead! 239 00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:40,009 What, do you think I'm wearing this outfit for shits and gigs? 240 00:12:40,010 --> 00:12:41,886 ? Your tone says "no." 241 00:12:41,887 --> 00:12:45,014 ? Prepare yourselves! What magic will you face? 242 00:12:45,015 --> 00:12:48,809 Lightning bolts? Will your swords turn to snakes? 243 00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,311 Well perhaps, but let's start slow. 244 00:12:50,312 --> 00:12:54,190 One gold coin is all it takes to see what magic Blinkerquartz makes. 245 00:12:54,191 --> 00:12:57,944 All bets final. Who wants to get rich? Is it you? Is it you? 246 00:12:57,945 --> 00:13:00,988 ? Wait. That's not magic! 247 00:13:00,989 --> 00:13:03,407 Blarney, I need my lunch money! 248 00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:05,535 ? How'd you like to double your lunch money? 249 00:13:05,536 --> 00:13:08,789 Find the ace and you'll be up to your crack in tater tots! 250 00:13:09,373 --> 00:13:12,251 Uh, isn't one of those supposed to be an ace? 251 00:13:15,754 --> 00:13:17,547 I grew up with cheaters. 252 00:13:17,548 --> 00:13:20,592 Nobody knows cheaters the way I do! That's my edge! 253 00:13:21,260 --> 00:13:24,637 ? Aah, so close! Try your luck again? 254 00:13:24,638 --> 00:13:27,515 ? Hey, can I play? Oh shit! The cops! 255 00:13:27,516 --> 00:13:30,018 ? Where? I can't do another dime! 256 00:13:30,853 --> 00:13:33,020 ? Found it. Do I win? 257 00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:34,730 - ? Aw, shit! - He cheated me! 258 00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:36,399 ? Wait, wait, wait! There's more?? Oh my God! 259 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,277 ? ? 260 00:13:39,361 --> 00:13:42,573 ? Whistle whip! I trusted you, man! I trusted you! 261 00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:47,243 Wow, Patrick! You're doing great! 262 00:13:47,244 --> 00:13:50,998 ? I'm still not sure how the points are being awarded. 263 00:13:53,292 --> 00:13:55,668 Aw! This game is corrupt as hell! 264 00:13:55,669 --> 00:13:58,546 If I'm going to win, I'll have to out?cheat the cheaters! 265 00:13:58,547 --> 00:14:01,841 ? Ah, the old two?wrongs?make?a?right philosophy. I hear ya. 266 00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:03,009 ? Wait. No?no. 267 00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:05,720 ? You cheat your way into the job then you be the best cheater you can be! 268 00:14:05,721 --> 00:14:09,140 ? But you can't beat a rigged system by playing fair! 269 00:14:09,141 --> 00:14:11,767 Sounds like a real moral conundrum! 270 00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:13,020 Fuckface! 271 00:14:14,938 --> 00:14:20,484 ? Nothing separates the men from the boys quite like hand?to?hand combat. 272 00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:22,570 Pardon me, Queen Tulip? Question. 273 00:14:22,571 --> 00:14:24,615 Uh, why did we have to strip for this? 274 00:14:26,408 --> 00:14:29,577 ? Like I said, men from the boys. Now, line up according to bulge. 275 00:14:29,578 --> 00:14:31,997 Oh good, the hot oil guy's here. 276 00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:37,836 ? Well, if no one's going to lend me their underwear, I guess this is happening. 277 00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:44,217 ? Where the hell is my wife? 278 00:14:44,218 --> 00:14:46,135 ? Your Highness, she's?? ? Quit jabbering, man. 279 00:14:46,136 --> 00:14:48,304 We've gotta make hay while the sun shines. 280 00:14:48,305 --> 00:14:50,349 I'll decide when I've had enough nachos! 281 00:14:51,183 --> 00:14:52,518 I'm a grown?ass man! 282 00:14:56,230 --> 00:14:58,064 ? Hey, Broth, where's Wembley? 283 00:14:58,065 --> 00:15:01,360 ? Yes! Yes! Rub your young body all over me! 284 00:15:02,528 --> 00:15:06,239 ? Every squire tournament she ghosts me. What's that about? 285 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:09,825 ? I'm glad you asked. She's?? ? Could I get a less chatty guard? 286 00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:12,538 ? Patrick, you're up. ? Huh? 287 00:15:13,247 --> 00:15:15,414 Your Majesty? Whoa! 288 00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:17,959 ? Have you ever fucked on an 800?pound chandelier 289 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,336 hastily bolted to the top of a canvas tent? 290 00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:22,004 ? Sure have! 291 00:15:22,005 --> 00:15:25,551 ? Then grab a ladder! 292 00:15:29,012 --> 00:15:31,138 ? I've had my eye on you all day, 293 00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:33,015 but I want to make one thing perfectly clear: 294 00:15:33,016 --> 00:15:34,935 if you're under 18... 295 00:15:35,894 --> 00:15:37,937 that would be way hotter! 296 00:15:37,938 --> 00:15:40,356 ? But you're married, to the king! ? Yes. 297 00:15:40,357 --> 00:15:42,817 We have what's called a cheating?on?each?other marriage. 298 00:15:42,818 --> 00:15:44,069 It's very progressive. 299 00:15:45,362 --> 00:15:47,864 ? I wish I was going to prom like you, Ruben, 300 00:15:47,865 --> 00:15:50,157 but I'm way too shy to ask out a girl. 301 00:15:50,158 --> 00:15:51,742 You know, what if she says no? 302 00:15:51,743 --> 00:15:54,996 ? Ah, Patrick, you're so cute, my little buddy who has never seen a tit. 303 00:15:54,997 --> 00:15:56,581 You remind me of me never. 304 00:15:56,582 --> 00:15:58,457 Take it from me, the mayor of Trim Town. 305 00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:01,752 To score with the ladies, you gotta be a lying dickhole. 306 00:16:01,753 --> 00:16:03,129 ? Really? ? Really! 307 00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:05,339 Patrick, my prom date thinks I'm a millionaire fireman 308 00:16:05,340 --> 00:16:07,300 who's posing as a high?schooler to bust a drug ring. 309 00:16:07,301 --> 00:16:09,051 And instead of breaking up with her, 310 00:16:09,052 --> 00:16:11,137 I'll just fake my own death in a boating accident, 311 00:16:11,138 --> 00:16:12,889 'cause nobody questions boat death. 312 00:16:12,890 --> 00:16:16,435 I'm telling you, buddy, when it comes to women, lie your ass off! 313 00:16:18,103 --> 00:16:20,438 ? Lie my ass off, lie my ass off. 314 00:16:20,439 --> 00:16:23,941 Your Highness, we can't have sex! I'm married! 315 00:16:23,942 --> 00:16:26,569 ? Me too! ? I'm secretly a woman! 316 00:16:26,570 --> 00:16:28,154 ? This just got hotter! 317 00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:30,990 ? And I'm pregnant! ? Way hotter! 318 00:16:30,991 --> 00:16:33,702 ? I also have diarrhea! ? I could get into that. 319 00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:38,289 ? Fine, no more lies! 320 00:16:38,290 --> 00:16:42,169 The truth is I'm a virgin and I'm scared of you! 321 00:16:44,421 --> 00:16:47,715 Just how horny are you trying to make me? 322 00:16:47,716 --> 00:16:49,759 ? But I... I... ? Yes? Yes? 323 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:52,094 ? I just don't want to! 324 00:16:52,095 --> 00:16:53,971 ? Why didn't you just say that? 325 00:16:53,972 --> 00:16:57,225 This needs to be consensual, Patrick. I'm not a monster. 326 00:16:57,226 --> 00:16:59,686 ? Oh. Then, uh, thanks. 327 00:17:02,231 --> 00:17:04,858 ? That is one mixed?up pregnant virgin. 328 00:17:06,777 --> 00:17:08,945 ? Well, what did I miss? Where is everybody? 329 00:17:08,946 --> 00:17:10,488 ? The medic just yanked a bunch of guys. 330 00:17:10,489 --> 00:17:13,783 Says it's the worst epidemic of stage four gonorrhea he's ever seen. 331 00:17:13,784 --> 00:17:16,787 Hey, should I go visit the Queen? ? I would not do that. 332 00:17:18,288 --> 00:17:21,708 ? Ladies and gentlemen, who's ready for the main event? 333 00:17:23,168 --> 00:17:24,836 ? I can't hear you! 334 00:17:24,837 --> 00:17:27,672 - He can't hear us! - The king's gone deaf! 335 00:17:27,673 --> 00:17:30,633 - We have no leader! - We'll be invaded! 336 00:17:30,634 --> 00:17:34,221 ? I said, who's ready for the main event? 337 00:17:35,013 --> 00:17:38,892 It's time to fucking joust! 338 00:17:43,939 --> 00:17:48,401 ? Tell me again about the tulip budget, you son of a bitch! 339 00:17:48,402 --> 00:17:51,445 ? I can't believe what I'm seeing! ? I know, it's awesome, right? 340 00:17:51,446 --> 00:17:53,239 ? Beggars are starving in the streets 341 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:56,285 and the king wastes our tax money on this garbage! 342 00:17:58,579 --> 00:18:01,748 ? I'm sorry, pal, I can't hear you over all this entertainment! 343 00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:08,713 Have you ever jousted before? ? Nope. 344 00:18:08,714 --> 00:18:11,174 ? Have you ever joosted before? ? What's the difference? 345 00:18:11,175 --> 00:18:14,760 ? Joosting's when two dudes run full steam at each other with their dicks out. 346 00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:16,721 ? Oh come on, when the hell would I have done that? 347 00:18:16,722 --> 00:18:18,640 ? I dunno. We had very different proms, I guess. 348 00:18:22,227 --> 00:18:23,687 ? Riders ready? 349 00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:31,695 ? ? 350 00:18:34,198 --> 00:18:37,200 ? Ref, that was high?sticking! Aren't you going to call that? 351 00:18:37,201 --> 00:18:39,536 ? Oh, good observation! Riders ready? 352 00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:46,502 ? Aah! 353 00:18:49,588 --> 00:18:53,841 He threw mud in my face! The king can't possibly approve of that! 354 00:18:53,842 --> 00:18:57,428 ? Oh, this Holden kid's a born winner! Creative as hell! 355 00:18:57,429 --> 00:19:00,348 ? Ha! You thought he'd say one thing, and he said the opposite. 356 00:19:00,349 --> 00:19:04,227 In the comedy biz that's called the ol' zoop?de?doop! 357 00:19:04,228 --> 00:19:06,480 Also, that was not mud. 358 00:19:07,064 --> 00:19:11,275 ? ? Ring around the horseshit! Ring around the horseshit! ? 359 00:19:11,276 --> 00:19:14,029 ? Let me go??. 360 00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:19,700 What am I doing? Why do I even want to be a squire for these people? 361 00:19:19,701 --> 00:19:22,995 ? Because employees get ten percent off everything in the gift shop, baby! 362 00:19:22,996 --> 00:19:27,500 ? Yeah, well, all the employees are entitled cheating assholes! 363 00:19:27,501 --> 00:19:30,211 Well, to hell with this, I quit! 364 00:19:30,212 --> 00:19:33,339 I'm not a cheater and I never will be. 365 00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:36,717 ? Hey! Dildo! Hurry up and lose, ?cause it's my mom's birthday next week 366 00:19:36,718 --> 00:19:38,845 and she's getting a shot glass with the king's face on it... 367 00:19:38,846 --> 00:19:40,639 ten percent off. 368 00:19:41,181 --> 00:19:42,850 ? Oh, fuck this guy. 369 00:19:44,852 --> 00:19:47,354 ? Hey, where's my stick thingy? 370 00:19:50,023 --> 00:19:51,149 ? What the...? 371 00:19:55,445 --> 00:19:57,989 ? Holy shit! ? Holy shit! 372 00:19:57,990 --> 00:20:00,032 ? Holy shit! 373 00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:02,618 ? Nice. Holden's probably dead, huh? 374 00:20:02,619 --> 00:20:05,746 ? Yeah, that's right, I cheated! 375 00:20:05,747 --> 00:20:08,791 Just like everybody else in this tournament of turds! 376 00:20:08,792 --> 00:20:11,169 ? ? You can take your squire job, 377 00:20:11,170 --> 00:20:16,465 your fireworks, your castle, your tulips, and your STD bobbleheads 378 00:20:16,466 --> 00:20:19,386 and shove them all right up your royal ass! 379 00:20:21,346 --> 00:20:23,307 ? The king demands... 380 00:20:30,147 --> 00:20:32,065 a slow clap. 381 00:20:33,817 --> 00:20:36,485 Oh, I have news for you, motherfucker. 382 00:20:36,486 --> 00:20:38,030 You're my new squire! 383 00:20:43,243 --> 00:20:46,913 That's right! Starting Monday, I'm gonna take you under my wing, kid! 384 00:20:46,914 --> 00:20:49,749 You're gonna learn from the best! The old master himself! 385 00:20:49,750 --> 00:20:52,168 Numero uno! The big king daddy! 386 00:20:52,169 --> 00:20:54,086 Oh, the adventures you're gonna have! 387 00:20:54,087 --> 00:20:56,757 I'd be jealous of you if I wasn't the king! 388 00:20:57,424 --> 00:20:59,134 ? Oh, no. What have I done? 389 00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:06,058 ? All right, let's put a good spin on this. 390 00:21:06,642 --> 00:21:09,602 Mom! Dad! Guess who can suck it! 391 00:21:09,603 --> 00:21:12,481 Somebody's dream wasn't so stupid after all! 392 00:21:13,398 --> 00:21:15,942 ? Hello, little brother! 393 00:21:15,943 --> 00:21:17,693 ? We hear you've got a new job. 394 00:21:17,694 --> 00:21:21,697 ? Working for the royal family? That's very exciting news. 395 00:21:21,698 --> 00:21:23,950 - For all of us. - ? 396 00:21:23,951 --> 00:21:27,036 ? Gee, I'm real tired, guys! I'm just gonna... be in my room. 397 00:21:27,037 --> 00:21:29,455 But what a pleasant surprise to see you! 398 00:21:29,456 --> 00:21:33,919 ? Surprise? Oh, Patrick. You know we're in your life forever. 399 00:21:36,588 --> 00:21:39,675 Oh. Yeah! Yeah! Two balls in your corner pocket! 400 00:21:43,016 --> 00:21:46,016 I'm livin' the dream! 401 00:21:46,125 --> 00:21:51,946 CREDITS 402 00:22:19,423 --> 00:22:21,508 That is amazing!