CREDITS
_
? Guys! Wait! - _
We're not allowed to be up here.
Mom and Dad said it's dangerous.
? "Blah, blah, blah. Mom and Dad said, Mom and Dad said!"
? Wow, I wonder what the king is doing right now!
Probably being all wise and good while he does, like, a million push?ups.
? Maybe he's watching us through his telescope!
? Whoa. You think?
? Oh yeah! And he's all like, "Why's that kid being such a pussy?"
They're beautiful!
? The legend says every dragon nest contains one egg of pure gold.
? Pure gold? I thought it was pure chocolate.
? I heard it was an egg full of gold coins,
but when you peel off the foil, it's chocolate inside.
? How would a dragon gestate something that complicated
in its womb, you fucking idiot?
? I'm not an idiot, Ruben!
? Honestly, Blarney, I can't take you seriously in that clown makeup.
? Hey Coral, you know I'm going to clown college.
Clowning is a "profession on the rise."
That's a quote directly from Unemployed Clown magazine.
? Let's hurry before mama dragon comes home!
No gold in this one. ? Stop! This feels wrong!
Aw, man. Nothing.
? I don't want to do this anymore!
I don't want the gold if it means hurting the babies!
? One egg left, Patrick. ? Do it, Patrick.
? I don't want to!
? Ugh, you'll never get anywhere in life following the rules!
? We thought you were cool, dude.
? Aah! Well, I hope this is the golden one.
? ?
? Aah!
? ?
? She's mad for no reason! Run!
? Stay away from my sheep, you little bastards!
? See ya, fucksticks!
Whew!
Well, shit.
? That is the worst thing I've ever seen!
? ?
? I found him! Help me get him??
? Good luck, man! Remember! Don't be a pussy!
? You're just gonna leave us behind?
You're the worst siblings ever!
Sucks to be you! We're in your life forever!
Forever! Forever! Forever!
? Aah! No!
Here's your baby!
Please, punish me but spare my brother!
? ?
? That poor mama dragon. We killed her babies.
Plus whatever that body count ends up being.
I... I swear I'm gonna make it up to everybody!
I'll... I'll help people! Like the king!
I'm gonna be the best knight the kingdom has ever seen!
Weird day.
_
? Okay, Patrick, ten years of training has led to this.
The king is watching. No pressure.
And... go!
? Watching this idiot is the best thing about living next door.
? Glenn and Doreen must be so embarrassed.
First their kid burns down the whole town,
now this, this?? What do you call this?
? I don't know. Some sort of cosplay jack?off session.
Shh, I love this part.
? Patrick! Come inside!
? Mom, I'm practicing!
It's important, sweetheart!
? Looking good, kiddo!
? Patrick, your father and I have something to tell you. Glenn?
? You need to get a job.
? A job? No, I'm training to be a knight!
It all started when we climbed that mountain for the dragon eggs??
? We know, we know, blah, blah, blah, endangered species,
killed its babies, no more dragons. ? Wait. What was that last part?
? My God. Look, every kid wants to be a knight,
but do you know how many kids actually go pro?
? Look at your brothers and your sister.
They all have good jobs.
? Good jobs? Are you insane?
? Ruben works for the forest service.
? A roving gang of bandits.
? Blarney's in the fine arts.
? Alcoholic birthday clown.
? Pays to have a backup career.
? And Coral is the CEO of her own shipping company!
? Mom, she's a goddamn fucking pirate queen!
Listen, I know you love us equally??
? Uh, I mean...
? But I'm tired of being the black sheep.
When I'm a knight, you're gonna realize
I'm the white sheep and they're the black sheep!
Then I'm finally gonna be front and center on the Christmas cards!
? Oh, you all look so adorable!
? Yeah, well, sink or swim, hero.
I'm putting a pool table in your bedroom, and it's getting delivered tomorrow.
? You're kicking me out tomorrow?
? Let's just put it this way,
I'm getting that pool table tomorrow and fucking your mother on it.
Now, whether you're here or not, that's your choice.
? Sounds like both of you have dreams that won't come true.
? Aw.
? Aah, this is such bullcrap!
How am I supposed to atone for my sins
by taking a job at a "children's hospital"?
Okay, bad example.
But I'm certainly not gonna work at this "hospice for toddlers."
Jeez, the kids around here have problems.
What's that one? Gravedigger for tweens?
? It's an announcement for the King's Annual Squire Tournament.
? It's the Squire Tournament!
? Oh! That's nice! That's why I put it on a public bulletin board:
so only one person sees it.
? It's tomorrow? No, it's usually in July!
? Yeah, there's an opening. Something about a friendly fire incident.
Except with a sword. If you ask me, it sounds like murder.
? But I'm not done preparing! I can't win!
Or can I?
This could be the answer to all my problems.
? Now, the question is, do I even need to be here?
Because I'm starting to feel like set dressing.
Okay, no goodbye.
So, I guess in your mind, it wasn't even a real conversation.
When I die, who will put up the flier to fill my job? I bet no one.
? So long, Mom and Dad.
The next time you see me, I'll be the king's new squire!
This I swear because??
? Shut up, you stupid cat!
? Aah!
Wow. The king lives in that castle!
No fucking shit, moron!
? This is really happening!
I?? I think I'm having a panic attack.
My family's dead from plague, but your problems seem equally hard!
? Okay, first lesson about Kingstown: don't say your thoughts out loud.
It's true! We hate that!
Fuckface!
? Can I interest you in a novelty shot glass you'll never use?
? No thanks, I'm not in the market for garbage. Whoa, bobbleheads!
Wow, King Merriman! I'm gettin' this!
Huh? Who's this one?
That's our most famous local hooker, HPV Annie!
? She spread HPV?
? No, she cured it.
She whored her way to a biochemistry doctorate.
Of course she had HPV, you idiot!
? You're a pretty rude salesman.
? Look, I'm sorry. I just found out I have HPV.
? Kid, you must be an interior decorator,
the way you're eyeing these yeti pelt throw rugs!
? Well, I thought yetis were white. Why are these so yellow?
? Fun fact, yetis piss themselves when you shoot ?em.
? Uh... ? They also scream, scream,
scream for mama, but mama ain't comin'.
Ain't nobody comin'.
Nobody ?cept me and my peltin' knife.
? I can tell you've got an eye for black?light art, friendo.
? Orcs playing poker? Kind of tacky.
? You got a problem with orcs? ? No, I??
? What about orcs who move to the big city to pursue their dreams
only to find the art community insular and snobbish?
? Are you talking about yourself?
? Me? I'm definitely not an orc
who turned out to be way less talented than he thought.
? Okay. ? Please buy a painting!
? Okay, here's my application.
? Great! I just need your application fee.
? Newbie, huh? Not me!
Eighth time's the charm, as the saying goes.
? Nobody says that. Hi, I'm Patrick.
? The name's Broth.
The best part of any soup, also as the saying goes.
? Nobody says that. ? So if you forget my name,
just picture a bowl of soup attempting something eight times.
? Hey, I've never done this before. Do you mind if I tag along with you?
? Not at all! Don't worry, everyone gets butterflies before the tournament.
You see that bush over there? I've puked behind it eight years in a row!
Oh gross, someone set their stuff in it.
? That's... my stuff.
? All righty! I just need your fee.
? Great.
Hmm?
You think anyone can tell my armor is 90 percent aluminum foil?
? No.
? You see that sweet armor down there?
The dildo inside is named Holden.
He's the odds?on favorite to win. ? There's odds?
Aw! They misspelled my name!
Huh. It seems accurate.
? All hail His Royal Majesty King Merriman
and Her Royal Highness Queen Tulip!
? I'm breathing the same air as the king and queen!
I wonder what they're talking about.
I bet it's something important!
? Those tulips look like they've already seen a red carpet or two.
? We're recycling them now because they are fucking expensive.
? For the price of this stupid tournament,
we could buy so many tulips I'd have tulips coming out of my asshole.
? It's a dream come true!
? Tell him it's going to be a nightmare come true
when I get done kicking the unholy shit out of him.
? Yeah, Holden says good luck.
? Tell him thanks!
? He says to go fuck yourself.
? Wow! Do those tulips look subpar to anyone else?
? Ready... aim...
squire!
? This is it! Time to shine!
Aah! Ow! Low blow! Low blow!
That was a rules violation!
Deduct five points from that man at once!
? Oh! Aah!
? Sorry! Sorry! Hope the damage isn't sperm? anent!
? Jesus, that kid's got a piņata for a sack.
? Oh God! It's my childhood all over again!
Ow! ? Nut shot!
- ? Aah! - Nut shot!
Pirate?style!
? It's not fair! Girls don't have nutsacks!
? ? Girls don't have nutsacks,
don't have nutsacks.
I remember now!
? Nut shot!
Huh? ? Countered, motherfucker!
? Aah! But how?
? My penis and balls are tucked safely between my legs!
? Huh?
? Yes!
? Hmm.
? Welcome... to the next level, fools!
Who will dare match wits with the royal magician Blinkerquartz?
? Wow, I can't wait to meet him!
? It's me, fuckhead!
What, do you think I'm wearing this outfit for shits and gigs?
? Your tone says "no."
? Prepare yourselves! What magic will you face?
Lightning bolts? Will your swords turn to snakes?
Well perhaps, but let's start slow.
One gold coin is all it takes to see what magic Blinkerquartz makes.
All bets final. Who wants to get rich? Is it you? Is it you?
? Wait. That's not magic!
Blarney, I need my lunch money!
? How'd you like to double your lunch money?
Find the ace and you'll be up to your crack in tater tots!
Uh, isn't one of those supposed to be an ace?
I grew up with cheaters.
Nobody knows cheaters the way I do! That's my edge!
? Aah, so close! Try your luck again?
? Hey, can I play? Oh shit! The cops!
? Where? I can't do another dime!
? Found it. Do I win?
- ? Aw, shit! - He cheated me!
? Wait, wait, wait! There's more?? Oh my God!
? ?
? Whistle whip! I trusted you, man! I trusted you!
Wow, Patrick! You're doing great!
? I'm still not sure how the points are being awarded.
Aw! This game is corrupt as hell!
If I'm going to win, I'll have to out?cheat the cheaters!
? Ah, the old two?wrongs?make?a?right philosophy. I hear ya.
? Wait. No?no.
? You cheat your way into the job then you be the best cheater you can be!
? But you can't beat a rigged system by playing fair!
Sounds like a real moral conundrum!
Fuckface!
? Nothing separates the men from the boys quite like hand?to?hand combat.
Pardon me, Queen Tulip? Question.
Uh, why did we have to strip for this?
? Like I said, men from the boys. Now, line up according to bulge.
Oh good, the hot oil guy's here.
? Well, if no one's going to lend me their underwear, I guess this is happening.
? Where the hell is my wife?
? Your Highness, she's?? ? Quit jabbering, man.
We've gotta make hay while the sun shines.
I'll decide when I've had enough nachos!
I'm a grown?ass man!
? Hey, Broth, where's Wembley?
? Yes! Yes! Rub your young body all over me!
? Every squire tournament she ghosts me. What's that about?
? I'm glad you asked. She's?? ? Could I get a less chatty guard?
? Patrick, you're up. ? Huh?
Your Majesty? Whoa!
? Have you ever fucked on an 800?pound chandelier
hastily bolted to the top of a canvas tent?
? Sure have!
? Then grab a ladder!
? I've had my eye on you all day,
but I want to make one thing perfectly clear:
if you're under 18...
that would be way hotter!
? But you're married, to the king! ? Yes.
We have what's called a cheating?on?each?other marriage.
It's very progressive.
? I wish I was going to prom like you, Ruben,
but I'm way too shy to ask out a girl.
You know, what if she says no?
? Ah, Patrick, you're so cute, my little buddy who has never seen a tit.
You remind me of me never.
Take it from me, the mayor of Trim Town.
To score with the ladies, you gotta be a lying dickhole.
? Really? ? Really!
Patrick, my prom date thinks I'm a millionaire fireman
who's posing as a high?schooler to bust a drug ring.
And instead of breaking up with her,
I'll just fake my own death in a boating accident,
'cause nobody questions boat death.
I'm telling you, buddy, when it comes to women, lie your ass off!
? Lie my ass off, lie my ass off.
Your Highness, we can't have sex! I'm married!
? Me too! ? I'm secretly a woman!
? This just got hotter!
? And I'm pregnant! ? Way hotter!
? I also have diarrhea! ? I could get into that.
? Fine, no more lies!
The truth is I'm a virgin and I'm scared of you!
Just how horny are you trying to make me?
? But I... I... ? Yes? Yes?
? I just don't want to!
? Why didn't you just say that?
This needs to be consensual, Patrick. I'm not a monster.
? Oh. Then, uh, thanks.
? That is one mixed?up pregnant virgin.
? Well, what did I miss? Where is everybody?
? The medic just yanked a bunch of guys.
Says it's the worst epidemic of stage four gonorrhea he's ever seen.
Hey, should I go visit the Queen? ? I would not do that.
? Ladies and gentlemen, who's ready for the main event?
? I can't hear you!
- He can't hear us! - The king's gone deaf!
- We have no leader! - We'll be invaded!
? I said, who's ready for the main event?
It's time to fucking joust!
? Tell me again about the tulip budget, you son of a bitch!
? I can't believe what I'm seeing! ? I know, it's awesome, right?
? Beggars are starving in the streets
and the king wastes our tax money on this garbage!
? I'm sorry, pal, I can't hear you over all this entertainment!
Have you ever jousted before? ? Nope.
? Have you ever joosted before? ? What's the difference?
? Joosting's when two dudes run full steam at each other with their dicks out.
? Oh come on, when the hell would I have done that?
? I dunno. We had very different proms, I guess.
? Riders ready?
? ?
? Ref, that was high?sticking! Aren't you going to call that?
? Oh, good observation! Riders ready?
? Aah!
He threw mud in my face! The king can't possibly approve of that!
? Oh, this Holden kid's a born winner! Creative as hell!
? Ha! You thought he'd say one thing, and he said the opposite.
In the comedy biz that's called the ol' zoop?de?doop!
Also, that was not mud.
? ? Ring around the horseshit! Ring around the horseshit! ?
? Let me go??.
What am I doing? Why do I even want to be a squire for these people?
? Because employees get ten percent off everything in the gift shop, baby!
? Yeah, well, all the employees are entitled cheating assholes!
Well, to hell with this, I quit!
I'm not a cheater and I never will be.
? Hey! Dildo! Hurry up and lose, ?cause it's my mom's birthday next week
and she's getting a shot glass with the king's face on it...
ten percent off.
? Oh, fuck this guy.
? Hey, where's my stick thingy?
? What the...?
? Holy shit! ? Holy shit!
? Holy shit!
? Nice. Holden's probably dead, huh?
? Yeah, that's right, I cheated!
Just like everybody else in this tournament of turds!
? ? You can take your squire job,
your fireworks, your castle, your tulips, and your STD bobbleheads
and shove them all right up your royal ass!
? The king demands...
a slow clap.
Oh, I have news for you, motherfucker.
You're my new squire!
That's right! Starting Monday, I'm gonna take you under my wing, kid!
You're gonna learn from the best! The old master himself!
Numero uno! The big king daddy!
Oh, the adventures you're gonna have!
I'd be jealous of you if I wasn't the king!
? Oh, no. What have I done?
? All right, let's put a good spin on this.
Mom! Dad! Guess who can suck it!
Somebody's dream wasn't so stupid after all!
? Hello, little brother!
? We hear you've got a new job.
? Working for the royal family? That's very exciting news.
- For all of us. - ?
? Gee, I'm real tired, guys! I'm just gonna... be in my room.
But what a pleasant surprise to see you!
? Surprise? Oh, Patrick. You know we're in your life forever.
Oh. Yeah! Yeah! Two balls in your corner pocket!
I'm livin' the dream!
CREDITS
That is amazing!