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I wish I wasn't such a piece of a-shit.
I wish I had a son
to watch "Villardia's got talent" with-a.
A son! That's it!
I know, I'll make a-one.
? How hard can it be to make a son for me? ?
? I need a family member to watch "vgt" ?
So, what will I call you?
I know! Your name is Pinocchio!
You want to watch "Villardia's got talent"?
Pinocchio?
Are you going to answer me?
Who am I kidding? He's not a-real!
I'm just an old fool.
Hello, pop tart.
Who the hell are you?
I'm a magical fairy and I'm here to grant your biggest wish.
You're going to give-a me a son?
You got it, sugar nuts!
I give you, Pinocchio, the gift of life.
Hiya, pop, where's the slop?
My god! A real...
Hey, this isn't a real boy.
Screw you, ya dingleberry poo poo face.
Well, he's not real yet.
Now here's the challenge...
You have three days
- to turn Pinocchio - _
into a sweet, kind, and polite child.
And if you can do that, I'll turn him into a real boy.
But...
if you can't turn him into a good boy,
I'll send you both straight to hell
where your anuses will be punished and tortured
by all the nastiest demons forever and ever.
That sounds like a good deal to me.
Okay.
Pinocchio, remember... be good!
Oh, my god!
Bad pinocchio!
I'll a-teach you to be a good a-boy.
? Go to school and do you work ?
? Pay attention and don't be a jerk ?
? Wipe three times after you take a poo ?
? Put on a clean shirt and a-shine your shoes ?
I'm the devil! I'm the devil!
Pinocchio!
Whadda you do? Ya gotta be a good boy
or we're gonna go straight to hell and our rigatonis
are gonna be a-leonardo dicaprio'd.
I'm-a trying to teach ya!
See ya, mother fucker.
That's a-my Prius.
I'm a-bleeding.
Wake up, papa.
I'm sorry I stabbed you.
I'll be a good boy from now on.
My little boy.
I love you, papa.
What time is it?
I've been asleep for two days!
Pinocchio!
You killed a-this poor old woman.
She was trying to stop me from being a naughty boy.
_
Don't you understand-a?
You have to be good or else-a your poor old a-papa
is going to get his-a sphincterini gabagooled in hell!
Whatever. Get your big fat fart wagon off the couch.
P-ster needs to sleepster.
Okay, you a-sleep while I a-clean up your brutal crime.
_
Villardia PD! Open up!
Good evening, officer.
How can I help you on this-a fine...
We got a report that some jack-a-ninny in a Prius
was running over old ladies around here.
You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would ya, pops?
Oh, no.
I've-a just been here with my son
a-watching "Villardia's got a-talent."
I thought you lived here all alone.
My son's in town visiting from out of state.
Cute kid.
All right, Mr. Gelato.
Just, one more thing.
Where's the baby blue Prius that's registered in your name?
I don't see it in your driveway here.
Oh, I, uh...
I gave it away.
To the charity.
To the... Kars for kids.
What a wonderful gesture.
So, I guess I'll be seeing you.
One more thing.
Did Kars for kids give you an LC-99 form?
You know, the form you get for any charitable donation over $5,000?
You have that, right?
Yes, the LC-99...
I know it put it around here someplace.
I've been so busy a-lately
with the holidays coming up.
I'll a-mail it to you.
I'm gonna need to see it now, sir.
I'll wait.
You must a-be so busy with the holidays.
You know, the holidays that are a-coming up soon?
You wanna cup-a-da Pellegrino?
The paperwork, Mr. Gelato.
Oh, yeah, the paperwork.
It's around here somewhere.
Here's the paperwork.
It's-a-the holidays.
Excuse me, sir?
The paperwork?
It's-a-the holidays?
Turn around and put your hands behind your back.
No! But the pizza, the pasta, the pepperoni...
Mamma mia!
You smell that, Gelato?
Smells like bacon.
_
Pinocchio!
Now you've really got us in a pickle-di-pizza.
Now, help your poor papa hide-a the body.
Okay, but first we gotta go to sack-con.
What's a-sack-con?
Sack-con these nuts, Gelato!
A-holy cannoli!
You're an ass-a-hole!
Come over here and grab his legs.
So? Are you feeling like a good boy?
Up yours!
Help! Help!
I've a-failed miserably.
Our spaghettios will be fonzarelli'd in hell.
Hello again, Gelato and Pinocchio.
Hiya, fairy.
Has it been three whole days already?
It has indeed.
So, Pinocchio, are you a good boy now?
I definitely, no doubt, 100%... am.
_
Hong Kong Phooey!
What have you done?!
Why you always gotta murder the people?
I'm sorry, Gelato.
You're right. I'm tired of being bad.
I want to be a good boy and do what's right from now on.
Really?
100%.
That's a-what I wanted to hear this whole time.
Help me bury this body
and we'll a-start a new life a-together!
Okay, dad!
You take that body outside
and I'll clean up in here.
My perfect little boy.
Villardia PD.
I'd like to be a good boy
and report a triple homicide.
My dad's burying one of the bodies as we speak.
We're sending officers over right now.
Stand by, son!
Sucker!
Villardia PD! Put your hands up!
Get your ass on the ground, mother fucker.
We're gonna shoot you!
Pinocchio!
Son, are you prepared to testify against your father in the court of law?
I sure am.
Does this mean I'm a good boy?
Pinocchio, you're the goodest boy ever.
I did it!
I'm a real boy!
- Hooray! - Hooray!
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