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These ass termites are killing me!
Make it stop!
Don't worry, woodsman.
I just need to do one more dust run for grandma,
and she's promised to give us that super expensive,
life-saving ass cream.
Grandma?
You mean the biggest dust lord in all of villardia?
You made a deal with that psychopath?
You know this is the only way we can get the medicine that you need.
_
Oh, no,
this is too obvious.
Haven't worn this thing in forever.
I guess it'll work.
Just hold on a little longer, old buddy.
I'll be back in a jiff
with that super-powered medicinal cream
that's going to get your ass back up on his feet
in no time.
_
Okay. You guys are good to go.
Oh, wait. One second.
What do we have here?
Bootleg blu-rays.
You're going to jail...
forever!
All right. Next.
What's in the basket?
Just some wasabi peas, some ghost-pepper chips,
and some candy-cane joe-joes.
Mind if I pat you down?
Go for it.
Officer bad wolf,
may I speak with you for a moment in my office, please?
What's up, sarge?
You're going to let that girl go.
Let her go?
She's carrying dust. I know it.
That girl is small potatoes.
We're after the big potatoes...
Grandma sicario-hernandez,
the top fairy-dust lord in Villardia.
We've been trying to get her for the past 15 years.
We just haven't had the evidence,
but with your help, we're going to get her.
What do I have to do?
One... beat the target to grandma's house.
Two... subdue and secure grandma.
Three... assume the role of grandma.
Four... wait for the target to arrive with the evidence.
Five... once you have the evidence in hand,
make the arrests and call in the calvary.
If we catch her with this, she'll die in prison...
Of old age.
Aye-aye, sir.
Okay.
You're good to go.
Enjoy your stay in villardia.
Really? Well, thank you.
Bye.
See you at grandma's, bitch.
Finally, grandma's house.
I'll be back home smearing life-saving ass cream
on the woodsman by dusk.
Come in.
Granny, I got the package.
Where do you want me to put...
what are you doing in bed?
I...
got the squirts from...
drinking too much nasty juice.
Uh, okay.
Hey, what's with that hair on your hands?
Oh, uh, I guess there's just a lot of testosterone pumping
from all that dangerous dust dealing I do.
All right. Enough chit-chat.
How about you unload that merch already?
_
There you go. Now, where's my ass cream?
Border patrol.
You're under arrest for the possession
and transportation of illegal dust over state lines.
Boom, bitch.
But what about the woodsman?
He's going to die without his ass medicine.
Eff the woodsman, and eff you!
You should've thought about that before you broke the law.
You hear that, grandma?
You're going to prison.
Help me.
Breaker, breaker, this is baby eagle calling mama eagle.
The goose has laid the golden egg.
Mama eagle, do you read me?
Let me go!
I need to save the woodsman!
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Loud and clear, baby eagle.
You made your mama proud.
Calvary is on its way. We are five minutes...
You should've just given me the ass cream.
Stop!
I'll give you anything you want!
Slide over the keys to the handcuffs.
Wwhat's going on?
This man... he came into my house and he tied me up
and he put me in this rubbermaid.
I'm just a sweet little grandma.
Cut the grandma shit, grandma.
I brought the dust.
Now give me the cream.
You led the pigs right to me, you little fool!
I ain't giving you shit!
Oh, yeah? We'll see about that.
It's under my wig.
_
Get the hell out of here.
Really?
You heard me.
Get the fuck out of here!
Letting me go was the biggest mistake of your life, you honky!
It's grandma. She's trying to escape!
Shit!
We've got you surrounded.
Come out with your hands in the air.
Don't shoot! She's got me cuffed!
She's crazy!
Here are my demands!
Bring me the woodsman, $100,000, and a chopper,
and if I don't get it, I'm going to start cutting off
chunks of the wolf every five minutes!
Sounds to me like she's bluffing, boys.
Jesus christ. Get her whatever she wants.
You think you're pretty tough.
I was in iraq.
Congratulations.
I don't give a shit!
The chopper is here.
Red, it is I, the woodsman.
Let me in.
You did this all for me?
Bend over.
Thank you.
You've given me a second chance.
I love...
No!
I learned that in baghdad, bitch.
I bet you give a shit now.
You son of a bitch!
You men, secure the north perimeter.
Shots fired! Light it up!
Cease fire! Cease fire!
Everybody, move in! Use caution!
Dear god.
Her face looks like a bowl of pasta fagioli.
Sir, it's the woodsman.
He ate a knife.
They got wolfie.
He's dead.
He was a decorated Iraq war veteran
and a hell of a border patrol cop.
He's still alive.
Get him to the chopper now.
Where's that little bitch red riding hood?
There's no way she got out of here.
Sarge, we've looked everywhere.
She ain't here.
Ah, don't give me that half-assed rookie bullshit.
She is still here.
Turn this place inside out.
Now go, go, go!
What's up, doc?
What's going on back there?
Wait.
You hear that?
The chopper... it's coming back.
She must have been inside his...
Ass termites!
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