But some lives change on a dime.
I've never really believed in God,
but recently I managed to summon almost superhuman strength.
Two days ago, I witnessed an auto accident.
A taxi flipped over, and there was a 3-year-old
pinned underneath.
I don't know where the power came from,
but I got down on the cement,
and I managed to do 900 push-ups.
I don't consider myself a hero.
I just did what any ripped specimen of jacked man-meat
would've done in that situation.
I held a pretty sweet pose until the coroner arrived
to throw the boy in the trash and ask for my autograph.
I just...
I don't understand how I got so huge!
I mean, check my 'bliques.
They shredded.
Father? Father?
You are the new Christ.
The crippled came from the world over to be healed.
Indeed, each time he showed them his chiseled beef,
miraculously, they died psyched.
Eyes once blind saw glory, ears once deaf now pounded.
Even gun owners had their problem fixed.
Blimey now, come quick! It's alive!
Baby, now.
Hunky Messiah renowned us.
We're all beef in our souls where it counts.
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That being said, humans have an animal need to connect.
_
Ugh, thank God you picked up.
I'm having literally the worst day ever.
So at lunch today, Hannah said she couldn't have brunch
with me tomorrow because she's having brunch with Bethany,
but Bethany she couldn't brunch with me
because she's brunching with Hannah,
so then when I confronted them, they said they don't think so,
but other people think I'm pissy trash,
but, like, you don't think that, do you?
'Cause if you say, "Yes," then literally I will die
because this is already, like, the most literal day of my life!
Li Quin Gwang was desperate to say
how lucky she felt to gab with a new gal pal,
but she couldn't get a word in edgewise,
so she used the new app.
Once given the chance to speak, Ms. Gwang wondered
if any language was rich enough to convey her depth
of appreciation for this fellowship.
She hoped silence would suffice.
But it's like I don't even know if I like brunch,
but I wish you and me could brunch sometime.
And at that moment, Ms. Gwang realized
how she too could be literal.
She was ready for brunch.
To bust with life was Jay Reese's thickest wish,
but he felt so dead in his heart.
His chest was swarmed by coffin worms
desperate to wriggle in for the feast of their lives.
It might smell dead in there now, fellas,
but not after tonight.
I'm here for a pick-up. Reese.
Reese, Reese.
You had us recreate your old high-school crush, right?
Bring out the custom job for Reese!
Reese had no photos,
so they had to construct her from his description.
All he told them was to imagine a desert choked dead
by a 1,000-year drought and that she was the first spring rain.
Exactly as pretty as I remember.
Yep, she ought to be working nice.
We took her out for a test spin,
put up a couple few miles on her, right?
Oh, okay.
Thanks.
Vroom, vroom, right, Mr. Reese?
Yeah, I guess.
You guess what?
Uh, uh, I, um... Vroom, vroom.
If you say so. Okay. We're all set.
And, uh, did you want dignity with that?
Like, what?
Dignity, do you want any dignity?
We can put a look of dignity in her eyes
or just keep the blank stare.
Uh, is the, um, dignity extra?
Fifty cents more.
Uh, I'm on a philosopher's salary.
I understand.
This guy doesn't want any dignity.
No dignity for Jay Reese!
And you're in luck.
We're running a special promo this month.
Every custom love doll you buy,
we throw in a free doll of your mother.
Bring out the mom on the Reese job!
-Ah! -It's Eudora Reese!
-No, I don't want -- -Looks just like her, huh?
Our team really does their research.
You can do anything you want with her.
Get me? Anything.
Ew. I don't want to do sex with Mommy.
Who said anything about sex? What's wrong with you?
S-Sorry.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this.
Punch her, strangling, whatever you're into!
Go on! Sock her in the teeth.
Break her in.
Vroom, vroom, right, like how you said.
I'm not -- I would never hurt my mom.
Not true.
You're breaking her heart right now.
See?
Her eyes are totally wet for you.
Oh, she's a squirter!
Why do you have her making noises like that?
Oh, yeah, she's programmed to say
all the real stuff your mom says.
Oh, yeah, honey.
Can I make you an egg-salad sandwich, baby?
Mm, that'll put some meat on your bones.
-Mm! -Ugh, god!
When are you going to give me some grandchildren?
Ugh, yeah, give it to me!
Give me grandchildren!
Make me a grandma! Do it!
No, no, no, no, no, no! I can't hear this!
Make her stop! -Of course.
I've got something for that.
Oh, honey.
Cancel the whole thing! It's all ruined!
Uh, Mike, uh, hey, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you.
Tell you what, take it. The mom is free.
It's not about the money. I'm going.
No, I mean, it's free.
It has free will.
It wants to come with you!
Oh, I'm coming! Oh, yeah!
I'm coming!
No, Mom! I don't want it!
Go on! Get!
Fine. Let's go, Mom.
Reese knew, every time he got a girl,
his mom would find a way to ruin it.
I guess you'll sleep in here.
Why don't you wash up?
I'll fix supper. -Mm.
After that, Reese was too ashamed to see
his real mom again, so he began to lean on this one.
- _ - The original mother simply couldn't imagine
what she had done to make her child reject her so coldly,
but his doll was determined not to feel guilty.
It wasn't her fault that woman couldn't manage
to keep her own son loyal,
so they settled into a cozy companionship --
long afternoons connecting over tea
with an ease between them,
although her prayers often kept him up at night.
Oh, God, oh, yeah, God.
Oh, God. oh, yeah, God, baby.
Oh, yeah, God, baby.
Oh, God, yeah, God, baby.
Yeah, God, baby, yeah, God, baby, yeah, God, baby!
And when he finally woke, of course,
she laid quite a humongous egg.
The baby moms scampered everywhere,
dispensing kind advice
and leaving tiny casseroles around the house.
They were competitive critters who did favors
and tricks to prove their love
without asking for anything in return
and spent all day making squeaks that meant,
"I don't need anything, so don't worry about me
because I don't want to make trouble,
and you can ignore me if you like
because all I want is for you to be happy.
Even though my leg hurts, it's not a big deal,
and I don't matter because I'm just a mom."
- _ - If he dared to help them in any way,
they'd break into cute little riots.
Exterminator.
Uh, I didn't call anyone.
Exterminator!
Dad, what are you doing here?
I have no idea what you're talking about.
I'm just a regular exterminator, okay?
Now you put a tiny Bible here for bait.
They crawl in, and snap goes their nagging neck.
I don't want to hurt them.
Aw, let me just do a couple of them, please.
For the first time in his life,
Reese understood how to give his father what he truly wanted.
- _ - Sure, Pop, right through there.
Thank you.
He realized these sweet creatures could help
so many others not lucky enough to know a mother's touch.
This gave him the confidence that he was ready
to find a real partner, maybe even get married.
Unfortunately, at that exact moment,
the queen mother just happened to grow old
as a total coincidence and not as an emotional manipulation.
As her health deteriorated,
he was strangely grateful for the chance to care
for the person who had nurtured him when he was helpless.
He couldn't help but see an elegance
to the full circle shape our lives take.
He was with her at the end when she slipped into infinity.
It's so big. Ah!
Let it in.
-Big. -Relax. Let it in.
The first time he brought a woman to completion,
his heart throbbed to life.
His coffin worms were thrilled for their brunch,
but Reese missed the warmth of his little friends
as they ate away at all things death,
chomping a path he'd be crazy enough to follow.
You're so tight.
He was ready for his brunch.
Excuse me. Can I get a water here, Miss?
Holly Inglet had quite enough messes.
Didn't you go to Bantam High School?
So the day he finally felt rain on his face
after a 1,000-year drought,
Reese raised her the whole world,
and no matter how hard his old friends
begged him to visit them for tea,
he never set foot on the ground again, not after tonight.
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