1
00:00:02,746 --> 00:00:06,282
? I'm goin' down to South
Park, gonna have myself a time ?

2
00:00:06,284 --> 00:00:08,050
? Friendly faces everywhere ?

3
00:00:08,052 --> 00:00:09,918
? Humble folks without temptation ?

4
00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,754
? Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ?

5
00:00:12,756 --> 00:00:14,623
? Ample parking day or night ?

6
00:00:14,625 --> 00:00:16,625
? People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor!" ?

7
00:00:16,627 --> 00:00:19,427
? Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ?

8
00:00:19,429 --> 00:00:22,764
? I like fucking silly bitches
cause I know my penis likes it! ?

9
00:00:22,766 --> 00:00:26,050
? Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ?

10
00:00:26,051 --> 00:00:28,754
Sync and corrections by rickSG
www.addic7ed.com

11
00:00:38,228 --> 00:00:39,661
This is an outrage!

12
00:00:39,663 --> 00:00:41,730
This a violation of our human rights!

13
00:00:41,732 --> 00:00:43,097
Dude, what the hell is going on?

14
00:00:43,099 --> 00:00:44,566
You didn't hear the announcement?

15
00:00:44,568 --> 00:00:46,500
They just canceled Columbus Day.

16
00:00:46,502 --> 00:00:48,269
We have to come to school on Monday!

17
00:00:48,271 --> 00:00:49,536
They what?!

18
00:00:49,538 --> 00:00:51,522
They can't do this! We made plans!

19
00:00:51,607 --> 00:00:53,440
Some asshole went and
convinced the school board

20
00:00:53,442 --> 00:00:55,542
that Columbus Day is racist
and should be eliminated.

21
00:00:55,544 --> 00:00:58,289
You can't take away a day off.
We're just innocent children!

22
00:00:58,347 --> 00:01:01,348
Dude. What asshole would
take away a holiday?

23
00:01:01,350 --> 00:01:02,983
My name is Peter Galtman.

24
00:01:02,985 --> 00:01:06,087
I am the head of the
school calendar committee.

25
00:01:06,089 --> 00:01:07,555
I have decided the school

26
00:01:07,557 --> 00:01:09,656
will not celebrate
Columbus Day this year.

27
00:01:09,658 --> 00:01:12,059
I realize this is a hot-button
issue for many families,

28
00:01:12,061 --> 00:01:13,727
but one parent in particular

29
00:01:13,729 --> 00:01:16,530
has really swayed my
opinion with his passion...

30
00:01:16,532 --> 00:01:18,665
Mr. Randy Marsh.

31
00:01:18,667 --> 00:01:20,834
Mr. Marsh pointed out
to me the hypocrisy

32
00:01:20,836 --> 00:01:23,070
of glorifying a genocidal murderer.

33
00:01:23,072 --> 00:01:25,872
And Mr. Marsh is,
right now, also working

34
00:01:25,874 --> 00:01:30,410
on having the Columbus statue
taken down in Canyon City.

35
00:01:33,849 --> 00:01:35,082
Come on, everybody!

36
00:01:35,084 --> 00:01:37,383
Let's take this fucking thing down!

37
00:01:37,385 --> 00:01:39,752
Yeah!! Yeah!

38
00:01:39,754 --> 00:01:40,853
Take it down!

39
00:01:40,855 --> 00:01:44,190
Columbus was a mass murderer!

40
00:01:44,192 --> 00:01:46,926
Tear it down! Tear it down!

41
00:01:46,928 --> 00:01:47,793
Yeah!

42
00:01:51,065 --> 00:01:53,398
Okay, it's not working.

43
00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:56,401
We almost got it, guys!

44
00:01:56,403 --> 00:01:58,403
Come on! Throw the rope, Stan!

45
00:01:58,405 --> 00:01:59,905
Good. That's good!

46
00:01:59,907 --> 00:02:01,741
Okay, hit the gas, Nelson!

47
00:02:03,111 --> 00:02:04,910
We got it, everybody!

48
00:02:04,912 --> 00:02:06,545
To hell with you, Columbus, you...

49
00:02:06,547 --> 00:02:07,913
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

50
00:02:10,651 --> 00:02:12,451
??

51
00:02:14,388 --> 00:02:15,720
Hey, dude.

52
00:02:15,722 --> 00:02:17,556
Dude, did you know it's your dad

53
00:02:17,558 --> 00:02:19,458
who's getting the school
to cancel Columbus Day?

54
00:02:19,460 --> 00:02:21,527
Yeah. Dude, I don't
know what's going on.

55
00:02:21,529 --> 00:02:22,961
He's really serious about this.

56
00:02:22,963 --> 00:02:24,596
Well, you got to do something.

57
00:02:24,598 --> 00:02:25,897
If you get him to back down,

58
00:02:25,899 --> 00:02:27,265
maybe the school will reconsider.

59
00:02:27,267 --> 00:02:28,633
I can't get him to back down.

60
00:02:28,635 --> 00:02:30,635
Stan, I have to deal with my mom

61
00:02:30,637 --> 00:02:32,236
doing shit like this all the time,

62
00:02:32,238 --> 00:02:34,405
but she's never tried
to take away a holiday.

63
00:02:34,407 --> 00:02:36,941
I'm your best friend,
but I can't have your back

64
00:02:36,943 --> 00:02:38,412
when the guys find out about this.

65
00:02:38,447 --> 00:02:39,612
I'll try, okay?

66
00:02:39,647 --> 00:02:40,975
I got to go.

67
00:02:41,010 --> 00:02:44,114
Okay, Stan. You got your phone? We
need to call everyone on this list.

68
00:02:44,116 --> 00:02:45,616
They all live in the same city.

69
00:02:45,618 --> 00:02:48,186
Dad, listen, you need to
ease off a little here, okay?

70
00:02:48,188 --> 00:02:50,421
Stan, it's not right that
people celebrate a man

71
00:02:50,423 --> 00:02:51,822
who wiped out millions of people

72
00:02:51,824 --> 00:02:53,957
for his own glory. Let's go.

73
00:02:53,959 --> 00:02:57,261
Hello, is this, uh, Howard Peterson?

74
00:02:57,263 --> 00:02:59,997
You live in Columbus,
Ohio. Is that correct?

75
00:02:59,999 --> 00:03:02,666
Yeah? You racist piece of shit.

76
00:03:02,668 --> 00:03:03,801
You heard me.

77
00:03:03,803 --> 00:03:05,302
You're an intolerant pig.

78
00:03:05,304 --> 00:03:06,637
Oh, you're not?

79
00:03:06,639 --> 00:03:09,139
You just choose to live in a
city named for ethnic cleansing?

80
00:03:09,141 --> 00:03:10,607
No. Fuck you.

81
00:03:10,609 --> 00:03:12,442
Rename your city, asshole.

82
00:03:12,444 --> 00:03:13,944
Hello?

83
00:03:13,946 --> 00:03:15,612
Okay, next one. Come
on. Get calling, Stan.

84
00:03:15,614 --> 00:03:16,680
Dad, come on.

85
00:03:16,682 --> 00:03:19,131
We all get your point, but don't
you think you're overdoing it?

86
00:03:19,179 --> 00:03:21,284
You have to overdo it
in today's society, Stan.

87
00:03:21,286 --> 00:03:23,386
You can't be nuanced and subtle anymore

88
00:03:23,388 --> 00:03:25,689
or else critics go, "Wow,
what was the point of that?"

89
00:03:25,691 --> 00:03:27,524
Hi, Francis Melman?

90
00:03:27,526 --> 00:03:31,427
Hey! How are you, you fucking racist?

91
00:03:31,429 --> 00:03:33,763
Christopher Columbus...

92
00:03:33,765 --> 00:03:35,198
Explorer, pioneer.

93
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,600
Is he someone who should be appreciated?

94
00:03:37,602 --> 00:03:39,969
Or was he just a douche?

95
00:03:39,971 --> 00:03:41,971
For years. Columbus
Circle has been a landmark

96
00:03:41,973 --> 00:03:44,907
and photogenic intersection
in New York City.

97
00:03:44,909 --> 00:03:46,542
So it came as a surprise

98
00:03:46,544 --> 00:03:49,545
when someone defecated on
the statue earlier today.

99
00:03:49,547 --> 00:03:52,348
I'm joined now by the man
who did the actual defecating,

100
00:03:52,350 --> 00:03:54,983
Mr. Randy Marsh of South Park, Colorado.

101
00:03:54,985 --> 00:03:56,518
Good evening!

102
00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:58,744
Mr. Marsh, you took a
dump on the beloved statue

103
00:03:58,779 --> 00:04:01,060
that has been an icon
here in the city for years.

104
00:04:01,095 --> 00:04:02,270
What was your reasoning?

105
00:04:02,305 --> 00:04:05,894
Well, I just have a problem with
the racist people of this city.

106
00:04:05,896 --> 00:04:07,829
"Yee-haw! I'm from New York.

107
00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:09,631
I drive around a big circle

108
00:04:09,633 --> 00:04:12,067
that celebrates a guy who
murdered Native Americans.

109
00:04:12,069 --> 00:04:13,835
Shoo wee!"

110
00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:16,337
So, you're doing this
because of indigenous peoples

111
00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:17,672
and their feelings?

112
00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:19,440
I don't care if people get indigenous.

113
00:04:19,442 --> 00:04:21,342
I'll crap all over their statues.

114
00:04:21,344 --> 00:04:24,679
I'm the one who's indigenous
that this landmark even exists!

115
00:04:24,681 --> 00:04:28,149
Uh, uh... Ba-back to you, Tom.

116
00:04:32,922 --> 00:04:34,955
It ain't right.

117
00:04:34,957 --> 00:04:36,624
They make you work like a dog

118
00:04:36,626 --> 00:04:38,993
and then just tear away
your one day off in October

119
00:04:38,995 --> 00:04:40,961
like you're a piece of trash.

120
00:04:40,963 --> 00:04:42,163
Hey, guys.

121
00:04:42,165 --> 00:04:44,698
Boo! Boo! Nobody likes you, Stan.

122
00:04:44,700 --> 00:04:46,200
Look, I tried talking to him, all right?

123
00:04:46,202 --> 00:04:48,903
He's just really against
all the things Columbus did.

124
00:04:48,905 --> 00:04:50,805
Does anybody know what
Columbus actually did?

125
00:04:50,807 --> 00:04:54,174
Yeah. In 1492, Columbus
got us a day off school.

126
00:04:54,176 --> 00:04:55,509
That's what matters.

127
00:04:55,511 --> 00:04:57,243
No. No, wait, guys. Maybe that's it.

128
00:04:57,245 --> 00:04:58,779
When I'm dealing with my mom,

129
00:04:58,781 --> 00:05:00,980
sometimes it works to be
on her side for a minute.

130
00:05:00,982 --> 00:05:02,482
Maybe we should find out all the things

131
00:05:02,484 --> 00:05:03,883
people find offensive
about Columbus and...

132
00:05:03,885 --> 00:05:06,032
And then totally act like
we care. I like it, Kyle.

133
00:05:06,092 --> 00:05:08,922
I'll just look up "Columbus,
offensive, inflammatory..."

134
00:05:08,957 --> 00:05:10,589
Yeah, this is sweet.

135
00:05:10,591 --> 00:05:12,658
It's like that movie where the dude
pretended to be on the monster's side.

136
00:05:12,660 --> 00:05:14,294
You know, with the guy and the
chick that had the wife beater on,

137
00:05:14,296 --> 00:05:15,628
but her boobs were sweaty
so you could see them.

138
00:05:15,630 --> 00:05:16,762
Oh, I love that movie!

139
00:05:16,764 --> 00:05:17,831
Yeah, this is a lot like that.

140
00:05:17,833 --> 00:05:19,398
What'd you find, Kyle?

141
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:20,599
Nothing.

142
00:05:20,601 --> 00:05:22,635
Dang it! There's nothing?

143
00:05:22,637 --> 00:05:25,305
Stan, can I talk to you for a minute?

144
00:05:25,307 --> 00:05:28,106
What? What? What the hell was that?

145
00:05:30,478 --> 00:05:31,477
Hey, Dad?

146
00:05:31,479 --> 00:05:32,978
Not now, Stan.

147
00:05:32,980 --> 00:05:36,482
I'm working on a proposal to change
British Colombia to just British.

148
00:05:36,484 --> 00:05:38,984
But, Dad, Kyle found
a picture on Instagram.

149
00:05:38,986 --> 00:05:40,653
It pretty much looks like you

150
00:05:40,655 --> 00:05:43,188
dressed as Columbus
at a Halloween party.

151
00:05:43,190 --> 00:05:44,656
??

152
00:05:44,658 --> 00:05:46,024
Where did you get that?

153
00:05:46,026 --> 00:05:48,493
If you hate Columbus so much,
why'd you dress up like him?

154
00:05:48,495 --> 00:05:50,863
Look, that was a long time ago. Okay?

155
00:05:50,865 --> 00:05:52,731
Just a dumb Halloween costume.

156
00:05:52,733 --> 00:05:55,633
Yeah, but... here's you dressed
as Columbus at a formal dinner,

157
00:05:55,635 --> 00:05:56,668
and here's you dressed as Columbus

158
00:05:56,670 --> 00:05:58,103
at a football game.

159
00:05:58,105 --> 00:06:00,204
And you as Columbus
on St. Patrick's day.

160
00:06:00,206 --> 00:06:03,608
Look, I was younger!
We were all younger.

161
00:06:03,610 --> 00:06:05,377
It was another time.

162
00:06:05,379 --> 00:06:08,613
You have to understand, it was 2013.

163
00:06:08,615 --> 00:06:10,948
Everyone was stoked
on Columbus back then.

164
00:06:10,950 --> 00:06:13,418
Yeah, but, Dad, you seem to
be really stoked on Columbus.

165
00:06:13,420 --> 00:06:15,620
If you guys found those pictures online,

166
00:06:15,622 --> 00:06:18,455
it's only a matter of time
before everyone else does.

167
00:06:18,457 --> 00:06:20,858
People won't care about what I do now.

168
00:06:20,860 --> 00:06:22,326
They'll just see me

169
00:06:22,328 --> 00:06:25,763
as a thoughtless,
indigenous son of a bitch.

170
00:06:30,803 --> 00:06:33,871
Randy, do you mind cleaning
out the garage like I asked?

171
00:06:33,873 --> 00:06:35,305
What's the point, Sharon?

172
00:06:35,307 --> 00:06:37,408
Soon they're gonna be coming after me.

173
00:06:37,410 --> 00:06:40,143
Ugh.

174
00:06:40,145 --> 00:06:42,012
Hey, you!

175
00:06:42,014 --> 00:06:43,714
That's right, you!

176
00:06:43,716 --> 00:06:46,517
Wouldn't you like to
know the story of you?

177
00:06:46,519 --> 00:06:48,886
What makes you, you?

178
00:06:48,888 --> 00:06:50,887
DNAandMe is a genetic service

179
00:06:50,889 --> 00:06:52,455
that can help you find out

180
00:06:52,457 --> 00:06:54,657
exactly who your ancestors were.

181
00:06:54,659 --> 00:06:56,226
You might be surprised.

182
00:06:56,228 --> 00:06:58,628
I thought I was just
a standard white guy.

183
00:06:58,630 --> 00:07:00,496
But DNAandMe showed

184
00:07:00,498 --> 00:07:04,267
that I'm actually 4.2% Cherokee Indian.

185
00:07:04,269 --> 00:07:06,235
Turns out I'm not totally white.

186
00:07:06,237 --> 00:07:09,505
I'm also part Northern
Asian, and even some Kurdish!

187
00:07:09,507 --> 00:07:11,407
I'm a victim of oppression!

188
00:07:11,409 --> 00:07:14,243
I used to get in trouble for
always using the "N" word.

189
00:07:14,245 --> 00:07:18,448
But with DNAandMe, I found
out that I'm 2.1% black!

190
00:07:18,450 --> 00:07:19,248
Morning, Steve.

191
00:07:19,250 --> 00:07:21,116
'Sup, nigga.

192
00:07:21,118 --> 00:07:22,584
The test is easy.

193
00:07:22,586 --> 00:07:24,186
Simply swab the inside of your mouth

194
00:07:24,188 --> 00:07:25,754
and send it in to our labs.

195
00:07:25,756 --> 00:07:28,090
People made fun of me for being French.

196
00:07:28,092 --> 00:07:30,892
DNAandMe showed I was 8% Navajo.

197
00:07:30,894 --> 00:07:32,394
Nobody's making fun of me now,

198
00:07:32,396 --> 00:07:34,263
or my people, who were victims.

199
00:07:34,265 --> 00:07:36,165
I'm 13% victim!

200
00:07:36,167 --> 00:07:37,766
I'm 21% victim.

201
00:07:37,768 --> 00:07:39,701
Order now and find out

202
00:07:39,703 --> 00:07:42,170
if your friends should be
more sympathetic towards you.

203
00:07:42,172 --> 00:07:45,206
DNAandMe. Are you in?

204
00:07:45,208 --> 00:07:47,241
Hell fucking yes, I'm in.

205
00:08:00,656 --> 00:08:04,145
All right. Everyone's
here. Let's do this.

206
00:08:06,296 --> 00:08:07,996
Here you go, just like I said.

207
00:08:07,998 --> 00:08:10,331
$100 cash. No questions asked.

208
00:08:10,333 --> 00:08:12,099
Are we good?

209
00:08:12,802 --> 00:08:14,401
Good. No talking. Perfect.

210
00:08:14,403 --> 00:08:17,304
Okay. Let's get this over with.

211
00:08:28,083 --> 00:08:29,316
Thank you.

212
00:08:29,318 --> 00:08:32,052
Do not talk of this to anyone.

213
00:08:34,490 --> 00:08:36,956
All right, everybody!
Hey, thanks for coming.

214
00:08:36,958 --> 00:08:38,492
If, uh, I can have
your attention, please,

215
00:08:38,494 --> 00:08:40,627
I think we're ready to get started.

216
00:08:40,629 --> 00:08:41,861
Uh, Mr. Marsh, you know

217
00:08:41,863 --> 00:08:43,430
none of this was really necessary.

218
00:08:43,432 --> 00:08:44,964
For DNAandMe testing,

219
00:08:44,966 --> 00:08:46,933
you can just swab the
inside of your mouth yourself

220
00:08:46,935 --> 00:08:48,568
and send it in the mail.

221
00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:50,637
Yeah, I know, but I just...
I was really excited about it,

222
00:08:50,639 --> 00:08:52,839
wanted everyone to witness my test.

223
00:08:52,841 --> 00:08:54,306
Well, to each their own, I suppose.

224
00:08:54,308 --> 00:08:55,975
All right. Open wide.

225
00:08:55,977 --> 00:08:59,979
Ahh...

226
00:08:59,981 --> 00:09:01,447
Okay. I'll get this back to the lab

227
00:09:01,449 --> 00:09:03,215
and get the results to
you as soon as possible.

228
00:09:03,217 --> 00:09:05,684
Okay, great. I'm very interested to see

229
00:09:05,686 --> 00:09:09,188
what those results have to say.

230
00:09:13,894 --> 00:09:15,494
Galtman residence.

231
00:09:15,496 --> 00:09:17,163
Listen to me carefully.

232
00:09:17,165 --> 00:09:19,631
The man who convinced
you to cancel Columbus Day

233
00:09:19,633 --> 00:09:20,933
is a fraud.

234
00:09:20,935 --> 00:09:22,400
Who is this?

235
00:09:22,402 --> 00:09:24,369
You will go online and search Instagram

236
00:09:24,371 --> 00:09:26,471
for images of Randy Marsh.

237
00:09:26,473 --> 00:09:28,106
I most certainly will not.

238
00:09:28,108 --> 00:09:30,475
Randy Marsh is a hypocrite and a fake.

239
00:09:30,477 --> 00:09:33,579
You will be taken down
with him when he is exposed.

240
00:09:33,581 --> 00:09:34,512
What's he saying?

241
00:09:34,514 --> 00:09:36,147
Shh! Mprphph mhprphm!

242
00:09:36,149 --> 00:09:37,549
We know where you live,

243
00:09:37,551 --> 00:09:39,517
and we know how to make you suffer.

244
00:09:39,519 --> 00:09:41,686
Now you listen here, Mr. Man.

245
00:09:41,688 --> 00:09:43,154
The Galtmans do not believe

246
00:09:43,156 --> 00:09:45,022
in social media or the Internet.

247
00:09:45,024 --> 00:09:47,559
- It's all fake news.
- Fake news.

248
00:09:47,561 --> 00:09:49,827
Then speak with Marsh yourself.

249
00:09:49,829 --> 00:09:53,064
The truth is out there.

250
00:09:53,066 --> 00:09:54,298
Mrph. Rm rmhmhm rm mrph rmhmhm.

251
00:09:54,300 --> 00:09:56,667
Hmmm. Sounds like maybe the Galtmans

252
00:09:56,669 --> 00:09:58,636
need to check out Randy Marsh.

253
00:10:01,679 --> 00:10:05,346
??

254
00:10:05,348 --> 00:10:07,549
Shelley, we've got an emergency!

255
00:10:07,551 --> 00:10:09,785
We're getting rid of all the
Columbus stuff in this house!

256
00:10:09,787 --> 00:10:11,687
Any Columbus costumes,
Columbus pictures...

257
00:10:11,689 --> 00:10:12,988
They all got to go!

258
00:10:12,990 --> 00:10:15,157
I don't give a shit about Columbus.

259
00:10:15,159 --> 00:10:17,425
Sharon, Peter Galtman called.

260
00:10:17,427 --> 00:10:19,157
He sounds suspicious. We got to get rid

261
00:10:19,192 --> 00:10:21,996
of all our Columbus shot glasses
and coffee cups. Where are they?

262
00:10:21,998 --> 00:10:25,700
Your Columbus shot glasses and
coffee cups are in that cupboard.

263
00:10:25,702 --> 00:10:28,836
Shot glasses, coffee
cups, towels, plates...

264
00:10:28,838 --> 00:10:31,172
What about the Columbus
figurine salt and pepper shakers?

265
00:10:31,174 --> 00:10:33,708
I don't know where you put them, Randy.

266
00:10:33,710 --> 00:10:35,142
Sharon, do you know
what they'll do to us

267
00:10:35,144 --> 00:10:37,344
when they find out how
stoked we were on Columbus?

268
00:10:37,346 --> 00:10:40,247
You were stoked on
Columbus, Randy. Not me.

269
00:10:40,249 --> 00:10:41,315
Oh, really?!

270
00:10:41,317 --> 00:10:42,950
Did you forget our wedding?!

271
00:10:42,952 --> 00:10:44,585
That's you right there,

272
00:10:44,587 --> 00:10:46,486
standing there with a
big smile on your face.

273
00:10:46,488 --> 00:10:49,556
You didn't say anything about it
being insensitive then, did you?

274
00:10:49,558 --> 00:10:51,091
I actually was a little upset

275
00:10:51,093 --> 00:10:52,693
that you dressed up as
Columbus for our wedding,

276
00:10:52,695 --> 00:10:54,628
- but I decided...
- Oh, now!

277
00:10:54,630 --> 00:10:57,163
You say that now, 'cause
everyone's freaking out.

278
00:10:57,165 --> 00:10:59,499
But you were right there,
going along with it!

279
00:10:59,501 --> 00:11:02,703
They're gonna be coming
after you, too, Sharon!

280
00:11:02,705 --> 00:11:05,038
So you can just wipe that
indigenous look off your face.

281
00:11:06,342 --> 00:11:08,775
Oh! That could be my DNA results!

282
00:11:08,777 --> 00:11:11,077
Here, take this stuff out back!

283
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:21,387
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

284
00:11:21,389 --> 00:11:25,358
I've never felt so alive until now.

285
00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:28,628
Thank you. LoLovely flowers. Thank you.

286
00:11:31,332 --> 00:11:33,065
Galtman residence.

287
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:35,100
Listen carefully if you want to live.

288
00:11:35,102 --> 00:11:38,036
You will make this
Monday a school holiday.

289
00:11:38,038 --> 00:11:41,206
I spoke with Mr. Marsh, and
he denied any wrong doing.

290
00:11:41,208 --> 00:11:42,540
Of course he did!

291
00:11:42,542 --> 00:11:44,076
That's what liars do!

292
00:11:44,078 --> 00:11:45,710
I don't think you're
being intimidating enough.

293
00:11:45,712 --> 00:11:48,580
- Yeah, get meaner, Kenny.
- Meaner like how, dude?

294
00:11:48,582 --> 00:11:50,182
I don't know, like... like maybe say...

295
00:11:50,184 --> 00:11:51,716
Like talk about cutting
off his dick or something.

296
00:11:51,718 --> 00:11:53,351
We're gonna cut off your dick!

297
00:11:53,353 --> 00:11:55,287
No, dude. That's too far.

298
00:11:55,289 --> 00:11:57,054
Okay, okay, just say we're
gonna cut off part of his dick.

299
00:11:57,056 --> 00:11:58,256
Just give me the phone.

300
00:11:58,258 --> 00:11:59,791
- Hello?
- What?

301
00:11:59,793 --> 00:12:01,959
Randy Marsh is about to
pay for what he's done.

302
00:12:01,961 --> 00:12:03,561
Protect him and you will pay, too.

303
00:12:03,563 --> 00:12:05,897
Time is running out.

304
00:12:05,899 --> 00:12:07,165
Jesus!

305
00:12:08,168 --> 00:12:11,503
Sharon, have you seen my
Columbus staff and orb?

306
00:12:11,505 --> 00:12:13,104
I have not.

307
00:12:13,106 --> 00:12:14,638
Sharon, Galtman called again.

308
00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:16,640
Somebody is out there
trying to get me in trouble.

309
00:12:16,642 --> 00:12:19,177
Randy, why don't you
just admit to people

310
00:12:19,179 --> 00:12:21,645
that maybe you were
somewhat overly excited

311
00:12:21,647 --> 00:12:24,081
about Columbus in the past.

312
00:12:24,083 --> 00:12:26,417
Everyone was excited about Columbus!

313
00:12:26,419 --> 00:12:28,853
For some reason, people are
just pointing fingers at me.

314
00:12:28,855 --> 00:12:30,821
Just because he's suddenly not cool now

315
00:12:30,823 --> 00:12:33,724
doesn't mean I'm gonna
be the F'ing scapegoat!

316
00:12:34,927 --> 00:12:38,629
I got to burn this stuff.

317
00:12:38,631 --> 00:12:40,397
Oh, God damn it.

318
00:12:40,399 --> 00:12:44,802
I wrote you a song to
express my feelings for you.

319
00:12:44,804 --> 00:12:46,474
Will you get out of here?!

320
00:12:51,109 --> 00:12:54,477
? And then he kissed me ?

321
00:12:54,479 --> 00:12:56,279
I didn't kiss you 'cause I like you.

322
00:12:59,985 --> 00:13:03,319
? And then he kissed me ?

323
00:13:03,321 --> 00:13:04,787
Okay, okay.

324
00:13:06,791 --> 00:13:09,959
? And the sun began to shine ?

325
00:13:09,961 --> 00:13:12,161
That's it. Get off my property!

326
00:13:12,163 --> 00:13:14,230
Randy, I cannot quit you.

327
00:13:14,232 --> 00:13:17,032
Get off my land, you piece of shit!

328
00:13:23,207 --> 00:13:24,539
Don't post that.

329
00:13:27,311 --> 00:13:31,146
Do not... post that.

330
00:13:31,148 --> 00:13:32,547
Shit!

331
00:13:36,253 --> 00:13:37,486
Guys, what are you doing?

332
00:13:37,488 --> 00:13:38,953
It's over, Eric.

333
00:13:38,955 --> 00:13:40,689
We have to come to school on Monday.

334
00:13:40,691 --> 00:13:42,123
Just face it.

335
00:13:42,125 --> 00:13:43,958
I'm not facing anything.
We still have time.

336
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:45,494
There has to be a way we can...

337
00:13:45,496 --> 00:13:47,195
Dude, there's nothing
we can do, all right?

338
00:13:47,197 --> 00:13:49,865
Oh, okay. I see.

339
00:13:49,867 --> 00:13:52,066
Is that what Columbus did? Just give up?

340
00:13:52,068 --> 00:13:54,903
On his dream? No.

341
00:13:54,905 --> 00:13:57,738
Columbus believed that kids
should have a day off school.

342
00:13:57,740 --> 00:14:00,241
And even when his own country
wouldn't support his cause,

343
00:14:00,243 --> 00:14:02,543
Columbus said, "Fine.
I'll go find a new land

344
00:14:02,545 --> 00:14:04,478
where kids can have that day off."

345
00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:05,880
Eric, just let it go.

346
00:14:05,882 --> 00:14:08,182
And when Columbus
sailed to distant places

347
00:14:08,184 --> 00:14:09,850
only to find people already there

348
00:14:09,852 --> 00:14:11,519
who said, "No! Stay off our land!

349
00:14:11,521 --> 00:14:13,621
We want our kids to
have to go to school!"

350
00:14:13,623 --> 00:14:15,923
He said, "No! It's
just one day in October.

351
00:14:15,925 --> 00:14:17,458
They need a break!"

352
00:14:17,460 --> 00:14:20,227
You guys can all give up, but I'm not.

353
00:14:20,229 --> 00:14:25,265
Because in 1492, Columbus
got us all a day off school.

354
00:14:25,267 --> 00:14:27,600
With just three ships, he sailed over

355
00:14:27,602 --> 00:14:31,538
so we could have some
'me time' in October.

356
00:14:31,540 --> 00:14:34,152
And, yes, millions were
slaughtered and throats were cut.

357
00:14:34,187 --> 00:14:36,209
But if we don't get that day off school,

358
00:14:36,211 --> 00:14:40,380
then for what?

359
00:14:40,382 --> 00:14:41,648
Come on, guys.

360
00:14:41,650 --> 00:14:43,482
There's something else we can try.

361
00:14:48,389 --> 00:14:50,323
- Sharon, good news!
- What?!

362
00:14:50,325 --> 00:14:51,925
The people from the DNA test called!

363
00:14:51,927 --> 00:14:53,626
They're on their way over.
You want to come down?

364
00:14:53,628 --> 00:14:55,161
I'm doing something.

365
00:14:55,163 --> 00:14:58,297
You sure? These results
could be really interesting.

366
00:14:59,633 --> 00:15:02,034
Oh, God damn it! What
the hell do you want?

367
00:15:02,036 --> 00:15:05,104
I want you to stop
running from yourself.

368
00:15:05,106 --> 00:15:06,939
We could be so happy.

369
00:15:07,976 --> 00:15:09,641
Crap, it's them!

370
00:15:09,643 --> 00:15:11,777
Just a second! Be right there! Thanks!

371
00:15:11,779 --> 00:15:13,446
Get over here!

372
00:15:13,448 --> 00:15:15,848
I don't have any feelings
for you. Do you understand?

373
00:15:15,850 --> 00:15:18,049
But, Randy, what about the...

374
00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:20,586
No! No buts! There's nothing here.

375
00:15:20,588 --> 00:15:24,222
I'm not in love with you, got it?!

376
00:15:24,224 --> 00:15:25,624
Yes.

377
00:15:25,626 --> 00:15:27,626
Yes, I understand.

378
00:15:27,628 --> 00:15:30,128
Good. Now leave.

379
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:35,400
Hi. Sorry. You guys have my results?

380
00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:37,335
Well, Mr. Marsh, we came because

381
00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:40,171
there was an irregularity
with your test.

382
00:15:40,173 --> 00:15:43,475
What, you found something there you
didn't expect to find? What is it?

383
00:15:43,477 --> 00:15:45,143
Well, it's just a little too odd.

384
00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:46,878
We need to do the test again.

385
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:48,513
Do it again? That's not fair.

386
00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:49,780
Mr. Marsh, please,

387
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,081
if we could just have one more sample.

388
00:15:51,083 --> 00:15:52,650
We want to be absolutely sure

389
00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:53,684
of what we found.

390
00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:55,319
Uh... okay, no problem.

391
00:15:55,321 --> 00:15:58,890
Give me... Give me one
sec. I'll be right back.

392
00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:01,592
Wait! Wait!

393
00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:11,902
Okay. Okay. All set. Let's do this.

394
00:16:11,904 --> 00:16:13,504
Ahh!

395
00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:16,240
Mr. Marsh, we were hoping
to do a more precise test.

396
00:16:16,242 --> 00:16:18,042
It's better for harder cases like this,

397
00:16:18,044 --> 00:16:21,912
but it is an anal swab this time.

398
00:16:21,914 --> 00:16:23,580
An anal swab?

399
00:16:23,582 --> 00:16:27,150
Give me.. Tw... three minutes.

400
00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:29,019
Hey, where'd you go?

401
00:16:29,021 --> 00:16:30,453
Mr. Marsh, we're in a bit of a hurry

402
00:16:30,455 --> 00:16:31,821
if you don't mind.

403
00:16:31,823 --> 00:16:34,558
Oh. Oh, shit.

404
00:16:44,005 --> 00:16:46,089
All right, it's clear. Bring him in.

405
00:16:46,140 --> 00:16:47,472
Move your ass, Galtman!

406
00:16:47,474 --> 00:16:49,041
This is a violation of my rights.

407
00:16:49,043 --> 00:16:52,178
Just shut up and watch what
someone posted on their Instagram!

408
00:16:52,180 --> 00:16:54,146
I most certainly will not!

409
00:16:54,148 --> 00:16:56,648
If you want me to look at the
Internet, I will die first.

410
00:16:56,650 --> 00:16:58,083
It's fake news.

411
00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:01,020
That's why we had it transferred to VHS.

412
00:17:01,022 --> 00:17:02,254
Oh. VHS is fine.

413
00:17:02,256 --> 00:17:03,889
Take off his blindfold.

414
00:17:05,659 --> 00:17:08,327
Get off my land, you piece of shit!

415
00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:12,064
Don't post that.

416
00:17:12,066 --> 00:17:13,499
Hmm.

417
00:17:28,582 --> 00:17:30,448
Oh, Mr. Marsh.

418
00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:33,751
Oh, hey! How are you?

419
00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:36,620
Good. What are you up to?

420
00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:39,290
Chillin', chillin'.

421
00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:42,760
Well, uh, we did get your
DNA results back this morning.

422
00:17:42,762 --> 00:17:44,128
Would you like to go over them?

423
00:17:44,130 --> 00:17:46,197
Oh, you did? Oh, great.

424
00:17:46,199 --> 00:17:48,366
Sure. Why not? I'm here.

425
00:17:48,368 --> 00:17:50,267
Let's, uh... Let's do that.

426
00:17:50,269 --> 00:17:51,669
All right, Mr. Marsh,

427
00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:53,470
here's your DNAandMe portfolio.

428
00:17:53,472 --> 00:17:55,472
This shows that we actually found

429
00:17:55,474 --> 00:17:58,141
a mix of a few things in
your regional ancestry.

430
00:17:58,143 --> 00:18:00,744
Really? Like Native American?!
Like... Like a little bit?!

431
00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:02,446
No, we didn't find any trace

432
00:18:02,448 --> 00:18:04,982
of any Native American
DNA in your test...

433
00:18:04,984 --> 00:18:06,816
Nuts.

434
00:18:06,818 --> 00:18:10,820
But as you can see here, we found that
you're about 43% Northern European,

435
00:18:10,822 --> 00:18:12,655
37% Mediterranean,

436
00:18:12,657 --> 00:18:14,991
and 18% Southwest Asian.

437
00:18:14,993 --> 00:18:17,827
In fact, your genetic profile
most closely matches...

438
00:18:17,829 --> 00:18:20,163
your standard Caucasian British person.

439
00:18:21,333 --> 00:18:23,099
And you might be interested to know

440
00:18:23,101 --> 00:18:26,469
that you are actually 2.8 % Neanderthal,

441
00:18:26,471 --> 00:18:27,604
which is fairly high.

442
00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:28,738
Neanderthal?

443
00:18:28,740 --> 00:18:30,172
What the hell is that about?

444
00:18:30,174 --> 00:18:32,108
Well, the Neanderthals
were actually a species

445
00:18:32,110 --> 00:18:33,810
that was wiped out by homo sapiens.

446
00:18:33,812 --> 00:18:36,512
Wiped out... all of my people?

447
00:18:36,514 --> 00:18:38,681
Yes, but you see, because
of some cross breeding,

448
00:18:38,683 --> 00:18:41,783
some people like you still
possess Neanderthal DNA.

449
00:18:41,785 --> 00:18:43,018
Isn't that interesting?

450
00:18:43,020 --> 00:18:45,821
Cross breeding? You mean rape.

451
00:18:45,823 --> 00:18:48,190
You're telling me that my ancestors

452
00:18:48,192 --> 00:18:50,859
were raped and then eradicated by you -

453
00:18:50,861 --> 00:18:53,362
You maniacs?!

454
00:18:53,364 --> 00:18:55,631
The Earth wasn't big
enough for Neanderthals,

455
00:18:55,633 --> 00:18:58,399
So your ancestors just
got rid of them, huh?!

456
00:18:58,401 --> 00:19:01,503
Well, to hell with all of you!

457
00:19:12,174 --> 00:19:14,182
Well, well. Mr. Marsh.

458
00:19:14,184 --> 00:19:16,050
I'd like to have a word, please.

459
00:19:19,489 --> 00:19:21,256
You find this funny, Galtman?!

460
00:19:21,258 --> 00:19:22,757
What'd I do?

461
00:19:22,759 --> 00:19:26,161
Nobody had the guts to tell me
what happened to my people, huh?

462
00:19:26,163 --> 00:19:28,029
Get the hell out of here!

463
00:19:28,031 --> 00:19:31,398
I brought my parents over
so you could meet them.

464
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:34,201
Oh, God!

465
00:19:34,203 --> 00:19:35,502
Don't worry.

466
00:19:35,504 --> 00:19:38,773
My parents are very
okay and cool with us.

467
00:19:38,775 --> 00:19:40,374
Who the hell is that?

468
00:19:40,376 --> 00:19:43,010
Yeah, sure, everyone gang
up on the Neanderthal!

469
00:19:43,012 --> 00:19:44,178
Isn't it funny?!

470
00:19:44,180 --> 00:19:47,047
Randy, you must face who you are.

471
00:19:47,049 --> 00:19:49,550
Stop pretending, Randy.

472
00:19:49,552 --> 00:19:54,087
For once, just allow yourself to feel.

473
00:19:56,258 --> 00:19:59,759
You're right. You're right.

474
00:19:59,761 --> 00:20:03,697
It's only now, when everyone's
being so indigenous to me,

475
00:20:03,699 --> 00:20:07,600
That I realize how indigenous
I've been acting all along.

476
00:20:07,602 --> 00:20:11,071
I thought being a victim
would solve all my problems.

477
00:20:11,073 --> 00:20:13,740
But being a victim has a downside, too.

478
00:20:13,742 --> 00:20:16,743
Mr. Galtman, I haven't been honest.

479
00:20:16,745 --> 00:20:20,979
It's time for us all to be honest.

480
00:20:20,981 --> 00:20:24,250
What is a holiday?

481
00:20:24,252 --> 00:20:27,453
It's a day off work,
yes, a day off school.

482
00:20:27,455 --> 00:20:31,624
But holidays are also meant
to be a time to reflect.

483
00:20:31,626 --> 00:20:34,227
Today, I'm happy to announce

484
00:20:34,229 --> 00:20:36,028
that the school calendar committee

485
00:20:36,030 --> 00:20:38,063
is reinstating the day off.

486
00:20:39,933 --> 00:20:42,800
But instead of glorifying anyone,

487
00:20:42,802 --> 00:20:44,569
let us make it a holiday

488
00:20:44,571 --> 00:20:47,639
about the negative feelings
that we all sometimes feel,

489
00:20:47,641 --> 00:20:50,908
say what we're really
thinking so we can move on.

490
00:20:50,910 --> 00:20:53,211
And so, the second Monday of October

491
00:20:53,213 --> 00:20:54,979
will still be a holiday.

492
00:20:54,981 --> 00:20:56,714
But instead of Columbus Day,

493
00:20:56,716 --> 00:20:58,216
it will be for ripping on each other

494
00:20:58,218 --> 00:20:59,917
and tearing each other down,

495
00:20:59,919 --> 00:21:02,854
and we will call it
Indigenous Peoples Day.

496
00:21:02,856 --> 00:21:05,857
For, perhaps, if we all
do it at the same time,

497
00:21:05,859 --> 00:21:08,626
we won't be so indigenous
the rest of the year.

498
00:21:08,628 --> 00:21:11,462
And since this is the
second Monday of October,

499
00:21:11,464 --> 00:21:13,997
let's all embrace the
new meaning of the holiday

500
00:21:13,999 --> 00:21:15,432
starting right now.

501
00:21:15,434 --> 00:21:18,636
Do you even know what indigenous
means, you frickin' idiot?

502
00:21:18,638 --> 00:21:20,203
That's the spirit, Dave! Come on!

503
00:21:20,205 --> 00:21:23,006
Everybody, let's just all be
totally indigenous! Come on!

504
00:21:23,008 --> 00:21:25,809
Who the hell let this guy
talk to the school counsel?

505
00:21:25,811 --> 00:21:27,711
Good one, Kurt. Your wife's a whore.

506
00:21:27,713 --> 00:21:29,012
Come on, everyone!

507
00:21:29,014 --> 00:21:30,814
Indigenous Peoples Day! Let's go for it!

508
00:21:30,816 --> 00:21:32,849
Shut up, and get off the podium!

509
00:21:32,851 --> 00:21:34,985
Okay. I will in a second, fatso.

510
00:21:34,987 --> 00:21:36,319
All right. Who else?

511
00:21:36,321 --> 00:21:38,021
Come on! Get it out of your system!

512
00:21:38,023 --> 00:21:39,890
Happy Indigenous Peoples Day, everyone.

513
00:21:39,892 --> 00:21:40,991
Suck my asshole.