1
00:00:33,893 --> 00:00:35,651
D'oh!

2
00:01:09,738 --> 00:01:11,738
None of you will inherit anything.

3
00:01:11,814 --> 00:01:13,981
Because there isn't any.

4
00:01:17,736 --> 00:01:18,995
D'oh.

5
00:01:25,828 --> 00:01:27,411
Previously on The Simpsons,

6
00:01:27,422 --> 00:01:30,590
a charismatic new preacher
came to Springfield.

7
00:01:30,667 --> 00:01:31,832
You want to hold my gun?

8
00:01:31,909 --> 00:01:33,702
You-you can.

9
00:01:33,928 --> 00:01:35,002
And Lisa admired him

10
00:01:35,079 --> 00:01:37,254
like no adult man she'd ever met.

11
00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:39,674
This brunch has turned into...

12
00:01:39,750 --> 00:01:41,717
a jazz brunch!

13
00:01:42,744 --> 00:01:43,789
Reverend Lovejoy

14
00:01:43,824 --> 00:01:46,055
lost his job and swore revenge.

15
00:01:46,132 --> 00:01:47,398
This is...

16
00:02:12,542 --> 00:02:14,142
This preacher is so amazing.

17
00:02:14,177 --> 00:02:15,277
I'm looking forward to this.

18
00:02:15,732 --> 00:02:17,804
This is the first time
I've come to church

19
00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:19,880
when it's not part of a big montage

20
00:02:19,957 --> 00:02:22,500
of my enemies being whacked.

21
00:02:22,535 --> 00:02:24,330
Whoa! Hey! Whoa!

22
00:02:24,365 --> 00:02:27,416
Well, someone looks
awfully nice for church.

23
00:02:27,451 --> 00:02:28,472
Oh, this thing?

24
00:02:28,483 --> 00:02:30,099
Are you sure you aren't just attracted

25
00:02:30,176 --> 00:02:32,485
to our handsome new pastor?

26
00:02:32,562 --> 00:02:36,388
Silly. Moms aren't attracted to pastors.

27
00:02:38,216 --> 00:02:40,934
Oh, this place is so crowded.

28
00:02:41,011 --> 00:02:44,479
My leg is touching Milhouse's dad's.

29
00:02:44,532 --> 00:02:46,698
Looks like we're knee neighbors,
huh, buddy?

30
00:02:47,893 --> 00:02:49,651
Mr. Smithers.

31
00:02:49,728 --> 00:02:52,312
I don't think I've ever
seen you without Mr. Burns.

32
00:02:52,389 --> 00:02:54,189
Oh, Mr. Burns is more
comfortable at home

33
00:02:54,266 --> 00:02:56,117
reading his copies of the scriptures.

34
00:03:00,437 --> 00:03:02,072
"Blessed be the poor"?

35
00:03:02,083 --> 00:03:03,907
I'm just finding this out now?

36
00:03:03,918 --> 00:03:05,417
No one must know.

37
00:03:10,449 --> 00:03:12,166
Exodus.

38
00:03:12,242 --> 00:03:15,085
- Good morning.
- Good morning.

39
00:03:15,096 --> 00:03:17,045
For those of you interested
in the Packers game...

40
00:03:17,122 --> 00:03:18,839
We don't want to know.

41
00:03:18,916 --> 00:03:21,592
So, I know some of you still
have some questions about me.

42
00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:22,885
I certainly do.

43
00:03:22,961 --> 00:03:25,596
Will you be godfather to my son?

44
00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:27,347
We're not there yet, Mel.

45
00:03:27,424 --> 00:03:30,225
But, seriously, fewer and fewer
people are coming to church.

46
00:03:30,302 --> 00:03:33,228
Numbers are declining. And I get it.

47
00:03:33,305 --> 00:03:35,114
When you tell people
that you believe in God,

48
00:03:35,191 --> 00:03:36,523
usually they take that to mean

49
00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:38,567
that you're quietly
judging their lifestyle

50
00:03:38,644 --> 00:03:41,612
or think everybody but
you is going to Hell.

51
00:03:41,622 --> 00:03:43,447
Way to preach, bitch.

52
00:03:43,457 --> 00:03:44,790
I'm gonna pretend I heard "amen."

53
00:03:44,867 --> 00:03:46,074
Oh, relax, bitch.

54
00:03:49,154 --> 00:03:51,121
The original function of religion

55
00:03:51,132 --> 00:03:53,132
was to bring us together. "Religion."

56
00:03:53,209 --> 00:03:55,042
"Ligio," like "ligament."

57
00:03:55,118 --> 00:03:56,969
It means to reconnect.

58
00:03:57,046 --> 00:03:59,254
They don't teach you
that at medical school.

59
00:03:59,331 --> 00:04:00,336
Yes, they do.

60
00:04:00,382 --> 00:04:02,883
Well, I learn from my mistakes.

61
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:06,178
Malpractice makes malperfect.

62
00:04:06,255 --> 00:04:07,930
Well, I want to bring us all together.

63
00:04:08,006 --> 00:04:10,307
Not just Christians but
Hindus and Buddhists.

64
00:04:10,318 --> 00:04:12,100
Even those that don't believe.

65
00:04:12,177 --> 00:04:14,153
Does anyone besides me

66
00:04:14,230 --> 00:04:15,979
miss church the way it was?

67
00:04:19,306 --> 00:04:20,784
Well, the crickets agree.

68
00:04:22,997 --> 00:04:26,240
This church has gone from a
place of warm, awkward silence

69
00:04:26,316 --> 00:04:30,118
into a gooey lovefest run by
a narcissistic kum-bah-yo-yo,

70
00:04:30,195 --> 00:04:32,162
and I will not stand for it.

71
00:04:32,173 --> 00:04:34,081
You and I believe in the same God.

72
00:04:34,157 --> 00:04:36,333
I just believe that
that God loves everyone.

73
00:04:36,344 --> 00:04:38,035
You don't agree with that, Ned?

74
00:04:38,068 --> 00:04:40,003
Sir, we are not on a first-name basis.

75
00:04:40,014 --> 00:04:41,505
Mr. Flanders.

76
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:44,016
You may call me New Evangelical Deacon,

77
00:04:44,093 --> 00:04:45,467
or Ned for short.

78
00:04:45,544 --> 00:04:48,178
Okay, Ned, look, God is the love,

79
00:04:48,189 --> 00:04:50,356
the "yes"
that set the universe in motion.

80
00:04:50,432 --> 00:04:52,182
He or She...

81
00:04:54,177 --> 00:04:57,363
Maybe this time.

82
00:04:57,439 --> 00:04:59,815
Maybe this time

83
00:04:59,891 --> 00:05:02,317
I'll believe it

84
00:05:02,394 --> 00:05:06,455
Maybe this time I'll pray

85
00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:14,046
Maybe this time

86
00:05:14,123 --> 00:05:16,123
For the first time

87
00:05:16,199 --> 00:05:18,050
I'll have fun

88
00:05:18,127 --> 00:05:21,345
On Sunday

89
00:05:25,766 --> 00:05:30,345
He will sermonize

90
00:05:30,422 --> 00:05:34,191
With those hazel eyes

91
00:05:35,594 --> 00:05:37,477
I've got Buddha

92
00:05:37,554 --> 00:05:39,688
I've got science

93
00:05:39,765 --> 00:05:43,993
And now Jesus makes three

94
00:05:44,970 --> 00:05:47,070
It's gonna happen

95
00:05:47,081 --> 00:05:49,239
Happen sometime

96
00:05:49,250 --> 00:05:53,085
Maybe this time

97
00:05:53,162 --> 00:05:56,964
I'll pray.

98
00:06:00,619 --> 00:06:02,669
Not bad, kid. Also not good.

99
00:06:02,746 --> 00:06:05,097
Let me show you how it's done.
And a one, and a two.

100
00:06:05,174 --> 00:06:06,189
Hey!

101
00:06:08,602 --> 00:06:10,844
Aw, sleeping in church.

102
00:06:10,921 --> 00:06:13,439
Like father like daughter.

103
00:06:13,515 --> 00:06:16,442
God is nothing but grace
and flow and forgiveness.

104
00:06:16,518 --> 00:06:17,893
And if you don't think so,

105
00:06:17,969 --> 00:06:19,269
I-I don't know, maybe you should go back

106
00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:21,355
and read the Bible a little bit closer.

107
00:06:21,431 --> 00:06:23,732
Are you questioning a man
who travels with extra Bibles

108
00:06:23,809 --> 00:06:25,659
to put them in hotel rooms?

109
00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:29,863
Do you mind?

110
00:06:29,940 --> 00:06:31,073
I'm sure you're very sincere,

111
00:06:31,149 --> 00:06:33,116
but a parrot can recite the Bible

112
00:06:33,127 --> 00:06:34,451
and have no idea what it means.

113
00:06:34,462 --> 00:06:35,819
What? What? What?

114
00:06:35,881 --> 00:06:37,579
This isn't church anymore.

115
00:06:37,656 --> 00:06:38,689
We're out of here.

116
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:45,921
Daddy, we can't leave
before the pastor says so.

117
00:06:45,956 --> 00:06:47,964
- Who told you that?
- You did.

118
00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:50,217
You call it "Homer Simpson-ing."

119
00:06:51,517 --> 00:06:54,229
Yeah, don't Homer Simpson, you jerk.

120
00:07:02,556 --> 00:07:04,156
This is where he got fired.

121
00:07:04,233 --> 00:07:05,982
Now we're gonna poke

122
00:07:05,993 --> 00:07:09,069
into Mr. Perfect Pastor's
pysterious past.

123
00:07:09,146 --> 00:07:11,405
Did you just say "pysterious"?

124
00:07:11,481 --> 00:07:14,083
Can't you be on my side for once?

125
00:07:22,701 --> 00:07:25,669
Excuse me, we're looking for the pastor.

126
00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:28,255
Oh, we don't have pastors.
But our touch screen directory

127
00:07:28,331 --> 00:07:30,298
does have a digital assistant.

128
00:07:30,375 --> 00:07:32,518
Hi, I'm Holy Cow.

129
00:07:32,594 --> 00:07:34,594
How can I help you?

130
00:07:34,671 --> 00:07:38,023
Please give us your fingerprint
by pressing this screen.

131
00:07:40,510 --> 00:07:42,936
You haven't pressed anything.

132
00:07:43,013 --> 00:07:44,696
Why not?

133
00:07:47,443 --> 00:07:50,444
I'd like to speak to someone
below God and above you.

134
00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:54,865
Well, maybe you can find
what you need in here.

135
00:07:54,875 --> 00:07:58,869
How many of you suffer from
the effects of mesothelioma?

136
00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:01,204
Dial Jesus at ocho, ocho, ocho,

137
00:08:01,215 --> 00:08:04,458
ocho, ocho, ocho, ocho.

138
00:08:15,396 --> 00:08:16,803
Please help us.

139
00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:19,055
This man is a fellow clergyman.

140
00:08:19,066 --> 00:08:21,066
Really?

141
00:08:21,143 --> 00:08:22,901
Church, steeple,

142
00:08:22,978 --> 00:08:24,227
doors, people!

143
00:08:24,238 --> 00:08:26,396
Come with me.

144
00:08:27,272 --> 00:08:30,150
Preacher Mac?
I have a couple here to see you.

145
00:08:30,227 --> 00:08:34,029
I'm here to discuss a matter
of some unpleasantness.

146
00:08:34,105 --> 00:08:36,915
You're not here from The Boston Globe,
are you?

147
00:08:36,992 --> 00:08:39,075
No, no, no, no, no. I'm a pastor, too.

148
00:08:39,086 --> 00:08:42,254
I hear there's a little dirt
on the collar of a man

149
00:08:42,331 --> 00:08:45,749
who used to preach here, Bode Wright.

150
00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:47,334
Him?!

151
00:08:47,410 --> 00:08:48,877
You better sit down.

152
00:08:48,954 --> 00:08:53,256
It's a short story,
but I'm gonna milk it.

153
00:08:53,267 --> 00:08:58,103
I would go on,
but I am down to my last vocal cord.

154
00:08:58,180 --> 00:09:00,555
Even for a pastor,

155
00:09:00,632 --> 00:09:04,434
I've taken way too long
to make a simple point.

156
00:09:04,445 --> 00:09:05,628
Now...

157
00:09:05,715 --> 00:09:08,238
here's the proof.

158
00:09:11,452 --> 00:09:14,069
Oh, my God, so many singles in my area

159
00:09:14,145 --> 00:09:16,071
want to meet me.

160
00:09:16,147 --> 00:09:17,489
Hmm.

161
00:09:18,877 --> 00:09:20,367
Possessions don't matter,

162
00:09:20,443 --> 00:09:23,720
money doesn't matter,
this doesn't matter.

163
00:09:23,773 --> 00:09:26,414
Is he burning what I think he's burning?

164
00:09:26,491 --> 00:09:28,294
I've got him now.

165
00:09:33,715 --> 00:09:37,643
Lisa Marie Simpson,
are you reading the Bible?

166
00:09:37,719 --> 00:09:39,928
Yes, it's good, but...

167
00:09:40,005 --> 00:09:41,388
I have a few notes.

168
00:09:41,464 --> 00:09:43,056
Yeah, well I never met a Hittite

169
00:09:43,133 --> 00:09:45,976
who wasn't trying to expand
his empire into Egypt.

170
00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:48,754
Oh, Hittites...
worse than the Canaanites!

171
00:09:48,763 --> 00:09:53,066
Oh, now who's doing this because
of the handsome new pastor?

172
00:09:53,143 --> 00:09:54,317
Reverend Wright?

173
00:09:54,328 --> 00:09:55,902
You think he's...

174
00:09:55,979 --> 00:09:58,113
Oh, why pretend?

175
00:09:58,189 --> 00:10:01,741
When he speaks,
I feel like he's speaking only to me.

176
00:10:01,818 --> 00:10:04,119
Oh, Lisa, honey,
I'm worried you'll get too attached.

177
00:10:04,195 --> 00:10:07,839
This town has a way of rejecting
what's new and different.

178
00:10:07,874 --> 00:10:09,082
And better.

179
00:10:09,159 --> 00:10:10,375
Not this time.

180
00:10:10,879 --> 00:10:12,919
But look at your vision board.

181
00:10:12,996 --> 00:10:15,889
It's full of nothing but
crushing disappointment.

182
00:10:18,209 --> 00:10:19,214
Ha-ha!

183
00:10:19,261 --> 00:10:21,344
Even your vision board is a failure.

184
00:10:21,355 --> 00:10:23,188
That hook was supposed to hold

185
00:10:23,265 --> 00:10:25,348
a lifetime's worth of disappointment.

186
00:10:31,198 --> 00:10:34,283
Get thee behind me, Saturn.

187
00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:39,154
I need to pee.

188
00:10:39,230 --> 00:10:41,656
No time. We've got defrocking to do.

189
00:10:41,733 --> 00:10:44,117
Timothy, I've never seen you like this.

190
00:10:44,194 --> 00:10:46,453
Maybe I'll do some defrocking, too.

191
00:10:46,529 --> 00:10:48,496
In the choo choo room?

192
00:10:48,573 --> 00:10:50,957
Okay, mood's gone.

193
00:10:51,422 --> 00:10:52,424
Two beers, Moe.

194
00:10:52,461 --> 00:10:53,627
Nothing for the reverend.

195
00:10:53,703 --> 00:10:55,211
Oh, howdy there, Rev.

196
00:10:55,222 --> 00:10:57,139
Well, can't let him see
my nudie glasses.

197
00:10:59,393 --> 00:11:01,843
You didn't have to break
your nudie glasses.

198
00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:03,511
Now you tell me. Uh, remind me...

199
00:11:03,588 --> 00:11:05,013
how many boobs does a woman have?

200
00:11:05,090 --> 00:11:08,066
I never got so much off my chest.

201
00:11:08,143 --> 00:11:12,145
So, then I coveted my
neighbor's riding mower.

202
00:11:12,222 --> 00:11:15,815
I never pedal when I'm
on a bicycle built for two.

203
00:11:15,934 --> 00:11:17,743
- Homer...
- I went trick-or-treating

204
00:11:17,819 --> 00:11:19,402
when I was 30.

205
00:11:19,413 --> 00:11:23,582
Also, I told Marge I was
going for a colonoscopy

206
00:11:23,659 --> 00:11:27,252
when I actually went to a
Planet of the Apes marathon.

207
00:11:27,329 --> 00:11:29,588
Including the Tim Burton one.

208
00:11:29,665 --> 00:11:30,747
God doesn't care.

209
00:11:30,758 --> 00:11:31,998
Hallelujah!

210
00:11:32,075 --> 00:11:33,541
Please. I make my living in here.

211
00:11:33,618 --> 00:11:35,811
Sorry. So am I forgiven?

212
00:11:35,876 --> 00:11:37,712
You're a good man, Homer Simpson.

213
00:11:37,789 --> 00:11:40,173
Behind all your behavior, good and bad,

214
00:11:40,250 --> 00:11:42,050
there's a still, quiet place

215
00:11:42,127 --> 00:11:43,885
untouched by the dramas of this life

216
00:11:43,962 --> 00:11:46,104
where you simply are goodness.

217
00:11:46,181 --> 00:11:48,890
Oh, you haven't heard the worst one.

218
00:11:48,967 --> 00:11:51,017
I had impure thoughts

219
00:11:51,094 --> 00:11:54,104
about the mother bear
in the toilet paper ads.

220
00:11:56,191 --> 00:11:58,400
Reverend? If that is
your real honorific.

221
00:11:58,476 --> 00:12:01,403
You are late for our parishioners'
visit.

222
00:12:01,479 --> 00:12:03,530
I've been preparing all day.

223
00:12:03,606 --> 00:12:05,407
Uh, sorry. I've got to go.

224
00:12:05,483 --> 00:12:08,585
Homer, does this Flanders guy
ever annoy you?

225
00:12:17,662 --> 00:12:19,262
From time to time.

226
00:12:22,500 --> 00:12:23,883
Move it, move it, move it.

227
00:12:25,628 --> 00:12:26,970
All right.

228
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:29,089
Which arm did the honking?

229
00:12:29,115 --> 00:12:31,358
I'm not telling.

230
00:12:35,013 --> 00:12:36,563
Come in.

231
00:12:49,194 --> 00:12:52,787
You, sir,
have challenged me on scripture.

232
00:12:56,918 --> 00:12:59,127
Oh. Well, if it's scripture
you want to talk,

233
00:12:59,204 --> 00:13:02,255
then let us make a joyful
noise unto the Lord.

234
00:13:02,332 --> 00:13:04,424
- Good.
- Good.

235
00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:12,432
Punishment is the key to belief.

236
00:13:12,509 --> 00:13:13,933
Matthew 25:46.

237
00:13:14,010 --> 00:13:16,027
"They will go away to eternal
punishment, but the..."

238
00:13:16,104 --> 00:13:17,353
"...righteous to eternal life." Sure.

239
00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:18,813
But God's grace is for everyone.

240
00:13:18,890 --> 00:13:20,273
John 12:32.

241
00:13:20,350 --> 00:13:22,108
"I will draw all people..."

242
00:13:22,185 --> 00:13:23,651
"...up to myself."

243
00:13:24,550 --> 00:13:26,780
What about 2 Thessalonians 1:9?

244
00:13:26,856 --> 00:13:29,475
"They will suffer the punishment
of eternal destruction..."

245
00:13:29,529 --> 00:13:31,075
Romans 11:32.

246
00:13:31,152 --> 00:13:33,536
"He may have mercy on them all."

247
00:13:33,547 --> 00:13:35,163
Them all.

248
00:13:39,369 --> 00:13:41,052
Genesis 3:23.

249
00:13:41,129 --> 00:13:43,671
"So the Lord banished
him from the Garden."

250
00:13:43,748 --> 00:13:45,799
Genesis 1:31.

251
00:13:45,875 --> 00:13:47,634
"God saw all that He had made,

252
00:13:47,710 --> 00:13:49,969
and it was very good."

253
00:13:50,046 --> 00:13:51,096
Bang.

254
00:13:52,474 --> 00:13:54,849
I'm cold, so cold.

255
00:13:54,926 --> 00:13:56,693
And I'm wearing three sweaters.

256
00:14:00,574 --> 00:14:02,982
Wow. This is what it would be like

257
00:14:03,059 --> 00:14:06,152
if they believed in God in Hawaii.

258
00:14:06,229 --> 00:14:08,696
Reverend, you come
to dinner at my house!

259
00:14:08,773 --> 00:14:11,199
Uh, yeah, I'm gonna take a rain check.

260
00:14:11,276 --> 00:14:14,327
So many checks, so little rain.

261
00:14:14,796 --> 00:14:16,371
Stop this revelry!

262
00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:18,131
Who are you?!

263
00:14:20,118 --> 00:14:22,093
Reverend Lovejoy!

264
00:14:22,170 --> 00:14:25,505
And I'm just back from Michigan.

265
00:14:25,582 --> 00:14:27,265
Can you point accusingly for me?

266
00:14:27,342 --> 00:14:29,267
You got it.

267
00:14:29,344 --> 00:14:31,511
This man is a heretic.

268
00:14:32,755 --> 00:14:35,265
Oh, no. No, Lisa, don't.

269
00:14:35,275 --> 00:14:36,641
Wait, wait, wait!

270
00:14:36,718 --> 00:14:40,103
Surely, we know the reverend
is a blessed man who...

271
00:14:40,113 --> 00:14:42,105
Lisa, I did something bad.

272
00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:44,941
How bad could it be? Seriously.

273
00:14:45,786 --> 00:14:47,193
Well, look at you,

274
00:14:47,270 --> 00:14:50,121
finally paying attention to me.

275
00:14:50,198 --> 00:14:52,365
One brief announcement:
there's a red Honda Civic

276
00:14:52,442 --> 00:14:55,460
- in the parking lot with its lights on.
- You're losing them.

277
00:14:55,537 --> 00:14:58,413
He burned the Bible.

278
00:15:02,711 --> 00:15:03,918
Oh, boy.

279
00:15:03,995 --> 00:15:05,328
That's appalling. I mean, come on.

280
00:15:05,330 --> 00:15:07,630
Psalms are not for burning.
They're for tattoos.

281
00:15:07,641 --> 00:15:09,591
So, you know, you sicken me.

282
00:15:09,667 --> 00:15:12,302
Everything in my heart
tells me this isn't true!

283
00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:14,479
I know this is a weird
thing to say in church,

284
00:15:14,556 --> 00:15:16,264
but we need proof.

285
00:15:16,341 --> 00:15:19,551
I demand a full hearing
in front of all of us!

286
00:15:19,552 --> 00:15:21,394
Oh, you'll get your hearing.

287
00:15:21,471 --> 00:15:23,771
Tuesday at 4:00.

288
00:15:23,848 --> 00:15:26,825
Another paradise lost.

289
00:15:26,902 --> 00:15:30,320
Lisa, you're really bringing
down the first Sunday of Lent.

290
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:33,331
Even the fire eater is sad.

291
00:15:38,299 --> 00:15:41,506
The crisis of faith grows as
support for im-preach-ment

292
00:15:41,583 --> 00:15:42,832
is now at 52%.

293
00:15:42,843 --> 00:15:45,084
Can you fight fire with firing?

294
00:15:45,161 --> 00:15:48,087
What should we do with
this Judas priest?

295
00:15:48,164 --> 00:15:49,681
This has been Kent Brockman talking,

296
00:15:49,758 --> 00:15:51,424
saying nothing.

297
00:15:55,096 --> 00:15:56,112
Oh.

298
00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:00,266
Welcome, all of you. Let's begin.

299
00:16:00,343 --> 00:16:02,435
Why is she running this?

300
00:16:02,512 --> 00:16:04,437
Because she won't get overexcited.

301
00:16:04,514 --> 00:16:07,106
And I will?!

302
00:16:07,183 --> 00:16:10,201
And the Bible said,
"A child shall lead them."

303
00:16:10,278 --> 00:16:13,154
Well, as my Lord Buddha said,

304
00:16:13,231 --> 00:16:15,281
"Three things cannot long be hidden.

305
00:16:15,358 --> 00:16:18,718
The sun, the moon, and the truth."

306
00:16:18,810 --> 00:16:21,037
Well, why don't they make that
a Google Doodle?

307
00:16:21,048 --> 00:16:23,998
Reverend, you're very
concerned with the Bible.

308
00:16:24,075 --> 00:16:26,217
So, let us turn to that Bible.

309
00:16:26,294 --> 00:16:29,295
Specifically, the very,
very, many parts

310
00:16:29,372 --> 00:16:31,881
that speak about forgiveness.

311
00:16:37,547 --> 00:16:41,182
And, Mom, thank you
for sewing these banners.

312
00:16:41,259 --> 00:16:44,227
I did all that work
for a ten-second bit?

313
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:45,895
He did it. He admitted it.

314
00:16:45,906 --> 00:16:47,739
What else do you need?

315
00:16:47,816 --> 00:16:49,691
We've mobbed for less, people.

316
00:16:49,767 --> 00:16:52,318
Yeah, remember the guy with the
two different-colored socks?

317
00:16:52,395 --> 00:16:54,079
Ran his ass right out of town.

318
00:16:54,155 --> 00:16:55,571
Banish him!

319
00:16:55,582 --> 00:16:58,992
Banish him! Banish him!

320
00:16:59,068 --> 00:17:02,036
Cherish him! Cherish him!

321
00:17:02,113 --> 00:17:04,539
I know another long-haired performer

322
00:17:04,615 --> 00:17:06,249
who preached a new philosophy,

323
00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:07,709
peace and love.

324
00:17:07,785 --> 00:17:09,252
And the crowd was with him,

325
00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:11,087
but then they turned, hard.

326
00:17:11,098 --> 00:17:13,047
And that man's name

327
00:17:13,124 --> 00:17:14,924
was Willie Nelson!

328
00:17:14,935 --> 00:17:18,269
Well, I say, banish him! Banish him!

329
00:17:18,346 --> 00:17:20,939
Banish him! Banish him!

330
00:17:21,016 --> 00:17:22,774
Stop!

331
00:17:22,851 --> 00:17:25,768
I came here to unify you,
but instead I divided you.

332
00:17:25,779 --> 00:17:27,278
So I'm leaving.

333
00:17:27,355 --> 00:17:30,115
I just hope what I said
resonated with a few of you.

334
00:17:30,191 --> 00:17:32,369
Like Lisa, one who may change the world.

335
00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:36,779
And that Sea Captain guy.
That dude is surprisingly woke.

336
00:17:36,790 --> 00:17:40,408
Activism means nothing
if it's not intersectional.

337
00:17:42,704 --> 00:17:44,203
Glad to have known you.

338
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:47,915
I just want to say,
you've changed my life forever.

339
00:17:47,992 --> 00:17:50,293
You're the first minister I've ever met

340
00:17:50,303 --> 00:17:52,137
I didn't want to slap across the face.

341
00:17:52,213 --> 00:17:54,130
Glad to have known you.

342
00:17:54,141 --> 00:17:56,883
And I just want to say,
rot in Hell, Bible burner.

343
00:17:56,959 --> 00:17:58,643
Glad to have known you.

344
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:00,136
- Glad to have...
- Bup-bup-bup.

345
00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:02,930
In my family, you don't
say goodbye to someone

346
00:18:03,007 --> 00:18:05,308
you care about without a meat loaf.

347
00:18:05,318 --> 00:18:07,152
And broccoli.

348
00:18:07,228 --> 00:18:09,270
You-You're inviting me over for dinner?

349
00:18:09,347 --> 00:18:11,064
If you can love us after seeing us eat,

350
00:18:11,140 --> 00:18:13,107
we'll know you really love us.

351
00:18:13,184 --> 00:18:15,109
Come on, pal. We're having roast Bible.

352
00:18:15,186 --> 00:18:16,235
Huh?

353
00:18:17,330 --> 00:18:18,654
What? Too soon?

354
00:18:19,891 --> 00:18:22,167
I just want to offer this simple prayer:

355
00:18:22,285 --> 00:18:24,660
Dear God,
please let the Simpsons never end.

356
00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:26,579
Amen.

357
00:18:26,656 --> 00:18:28,956
And, Bode, tomorrow I have to ask you

358
00:18:29,033 --> 00:18:32,177
a philosophical question,
so I'll see you at the church.

359
00:18:33,204 --> 00:18:34,754
Amen.

360
00:18:34,831 --> 00:18:36,139
Where the hell have you been?

361
00:18:37,608 --> 00:18:39,509
Why would you burn a Bible?

362
00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:41,677
Why couldn't you burn
Bill O'Reilly's books?

363
00:18:41,688 --> 00:18:43,688
There are so many.

364
00:18:43,765 --> 00:18:46,140
I was trying to tell people
that God is in your heart,

365
00:18:46,217 --> 00:18:49,027
not in a overbuilt
cathedral or some book.

366
00:18:49,104 --> 00:18:50,937
This town doesn't get subtext.

367
00:18:51,013 --> 00:18:54,482
Our NPR station broadcasts wrestling.

368
00:18:54,559 --> 00:18:56,984
And that's an excruciating half nelson.

369
00:18:57,061 --> 00:19:00,371
Now, is that what's known in
the lexicon as a "face stomp"?

370
00:19:00,448 --> 00:19:02,757
Yes, yes, it is.

371
00:19:02,771 --> 00:19:05,785
This is NPR pledge week. Please give.

372
00:19:05,862 --> 00:19:08,329
- Why did you do it?
- I was 19.

373
00:19:08,406 --> 00:19:12,291
I saw how people were using
the Bible to divide and exclude.

374
00:19:12,368 --> 00:19:14,877
People were so busy
worshipping a road map

375
00:19:14,888 --> 00:19:17,839
instead of trying to
reach the destination.

376
00:19:17,915 --> 00:19:19,265
You know what I mean?

377
00:19:20,009 --> 00:19:22,009
Well, why didn't you just say that?

378
00:19:22,086 --> 00:19:24,395
That was fine. No fire.

379
00:19:24,472 --> 00:19:27,807
- I was 19.
- I'm eight and I get it.

380
00:19:28,402 --> 00:19:31,569
You're right. I've regretted it
since the day I did it.

381
00:19:31,646 --> 00:19:33,479
So, since then, I've just
wandered the world,

382
00:19:33,556 --> 00:19:36,399
like a millennial on a gap year.

383
00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:38,993
I understand, but how are
you gonna convince...?

384
00:19:41,949 --> 00:19:44,249
I'll just have faith in
this town's open heart.

385
00:19:46,611 --> 00:19:49,162
I was just making sure it
doesn't say "We forgive you."

386
00:19:49,238 --> 00:19:51,581
- It doesn't.
- Unless they wrote it in red.

387
00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:52,498
Yeah, no.

388
00:19:52,575 --> 00:19:54,092
- No, they didn't.
- No.

389
00:19:54,169 --> 00:19:56,335
- The brick is the message.
- Them's my people.

390
00:19:56,412 --> 00:19:57,545
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

391
00:19:57,622 --> 00:19:59,398
Do we throw it back? What's your custom?

392
00:20:03,102 --> 00:20:07,054
Uh, Chief, this guy still
had ten minutes on his meter.

393
00:20:07,131 --> 00:20:09,941
Just when I understood that guy,
when I believed again,

394
00:20:10,018 --> 00:20:12,727
when I believed in people,
they took him away.

395
00:20:12,803 --> 00:20:15,021
I've lost my faith, Lou.

396
00:20:15,097 --> 00:20:17,106
Come on, Chief, you got a beautiful wife

397
00:20:17,117 --> 00:20:19,117
And kid... I can't...

398
00:20:19,194 --> 00:20:22,403
I'm sorry, I can't say that
with a straight face.

399
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:24,056
Well, you could try.

400
00:20:24,291 --> 00:20:27,959
I am. I-I'm trying, I'm sorry.

401
00:20:28,036 --> 00:20:29,452
I'm sorry. I'll maybe try again.

402
00:20:29,462 --> 00:20:31,129
You got a beau...

403
00:20:31,206 --> 00:20:34,081
...tiful wife and kid.

404
00:21:20,347 --> 00:21:21,930
Shh!

405
00:21:24,388 --> 00:21:27,049
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com