"Lynchian." Adjective to describe something inspired
by the noted American filmmaker, David Lynch.
And/or to describe something that is both
incredibly macabre and incredibly mundane.
Also, Riverdale's status quo, reaching new depths of perversion
with the discovery of a videotape in
which someone wearing a mask of me
is bludgeoned to death by someone wearing a mask of my girlfriend.
Hey, what are you guys watching?
Jellybean, you gotta get out of here.
Sorry, this is NC-17 stuff.
Fine. Whatever.
Okay, so that was dropped off at the sheriff's station,
in a bin with all of the other Voyeur tapes?
Yeah, but all the other Voyeur tapes were just static shots
of people's houses at a distance.
This is clearly an escalation.
It's a recreation of whatever someone thinks happened to me in the woods.
And the big questions are: Who is doing this
- and what are we gonna do about it? - Me?
Nothing. No. I'm not getting pulled into some creepy new mystery.
But you can feel free to get sucked into this one, okay?
I could always use an extra set of eyes and ears, little brother.
You're unusually chipper today, Daddy.
Mija, I just closed a major distribution deal.
As of this morning, I'll be supplying all the rum
for the Grande family's chain of casinos,
up and down the Eastern seaboard.
You're doing business with Elio shady ass again?
All I'm doing is selling rum, mija.
And beating you to a market you hadn't even considered.
I did consider it. Weeks ago.
Instead, Red Raven is expanding into a heretofore untapped market.
The college crowd.
With an affordable version of our product, Maple Claw.
Good luck with that.
- What's up? - What's up, Reggie?
What's up is I hear you two have some scam going
where you're bringing in some serious bank.
Are you dealing again, Fangs?
No. Are you?
No. That's why I'm broke.
And I want in on whatever you're doing.
So, what's the scam?
- We make tickle videos for a guy named Terry. - Hmm?
And before you assume the worst, it's not sexual.
No clothes come off at any time.
It's like an endurance sport.
And this Terry guy pays you?
Yeah.
And a lot more than dealing.
That's weird as hell, boys.
But do you think Terry could use a guy like me?
"Dear diary, today I fell in love with the boy next door.
He has red hair and freckles
and a scar on his eyebrow that he got when he fell off his bicycle.
His name is Archie Andrews,
and he has a dog named Vegas,
who is super cute, but not as cute as Archie."
Hey.
Hi.
What are you reading?
Just looking at one of my old diaries.
Oh, fifth grade. That's juicy.
- Mom, seriously. - I'm sorry.
Oh, honey, you're so grown up.
I can't believe you're gonna be leaving for Yale in a few months.
My precious little girl.
Mom, please, do not cry. If you cry, I'm going to cry.
I'm sorry.
What could you possibly cry about, honey?
You have your whole life ahead of you.
Three cases, as ordered.
Your party will be the hit of frat row, boys.
Would be a bigger hit if you two came.
You ladies supply anything other than booze?
Ew! Get out of my sight.
Bye!
Honestly, Veronica, what happened to "quality always"?
Oh, great. The cast of Swamp Thing just got here.
Welcome. I don't have any more orders scheduled for pick-up,
but can I help you?
Actually, little lady, we're just, uh, checking out the competition.
Jinx Malloy, of the Malloy family.
Maybe you gals have heard of us.
No, I'm afraid I canceled my subscription to Truckers Weekly.
That's funny. You know what's not funny?
You bitches are cutting into our profits.
You see, we Malloys have been running
the Maple Moonshine business for generations.
And one of our most lucrative markets is the college scene.
But recently we've been getting wind of a new product that's...
eating into our customer base.
Maple Claw.
Let's say that's true.
What exactly would you like us to do about that?
Just pull your product.
I don't think so.
See, I can guess who you boys work for.
And you can tell him
that Veronica Lodge and Cheryl Blossom
do not back down from a fight.
Now, if you'll excuse us,
we have bottles to fill.
Don't say we didn't warn you.
Veronica, what the hell was that?
That was a bluff.
Trust me, Cheryl, this is typical of my father.
Last year, he sent thugs in gargoyle masks to beat up on Reggie.
This year, it's hillbillies who claim to produce Maple Moonshine.
Well, the good news is, both drop-off boxes,
the one at the sheriff's station and the one upstairs,
are under surveillance 24/7.
So maybe we can identify the person who dropped off this faux snuff film.
Yeah, well, it's hours of footage.
Does this place have any popcorn?
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
What? Do you recognize someone?
Uh, maybe.
But I think I'm gonna check this lead out alone. Is that cool?
Jughead's working late with Charles.
The videotapes.
Veronica's with Cheryl.
Doing her maple rum thing.
Archie...
why are we here?
I don't know.
But it's nice.
Right?
It is, but it's not like we can do anything...
more than this.
What do you mean?
We're just hanging out.
I love Jughead.
And I love Veronica.
But this is nice, right?
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What would you say if you were here, Dad?
Probably something corny like, "Follow your heart."
The problem is, I have no idea where it's pointed.
And I don't want to hurt anyone.
I'm just...
I'm just missing you a lot.
Ethel, do you have a moment to talk in private?
Jughead, sure.
This is so unexpected.
Yeah, what can I say, it's been a pretty weird year.
I actually wanted to talk to you about some of those creepy video tapes.
You dropped off a couple at the station, right?
I did, yeah. It was just hours and hours of our house.
Nothing new.
Well, there actually was something new on one of them.
It was footage of someone dressed up as Betty,
murdering someone dressed up as me, with a rock.
- Oh, my God! - You don't know anything about that, do you?
What? No. Of course not.
It's just that you're the only person who has a direct connection
to Betty and me who dropped off a tape.
I didn't. I swear.
I'm just trying to keep my head down
and make it out of Riverdale in one piece.
I didn't make any tape.
"Dear diary, today was the happiest day of my life.
After walking home from school,
little Archie proposed to me.
Of course I want to marry Archie, but I know we're too young.
So I told him that he should ask me again when we're both 18
and in high school."
Everything all right, Betty?
Yeah. Sorry, I was just thinking about...
Simpler times.
Betty Cooper to the principal's office.
- I really hate Mr. Honey. - Likewise.
I wonder what I did this time.
I'm confused. What is this for?
For the yearbook.
You are editor-in-chief, aren't you?
Appointed last year.
Um, yes.
In between being attacked by the Black Hood at junior prom
and being hunted by the Gargoyle King before the Farm was raptured,
I volunteered to be in charge of the yearbook.
Wonderful. So, tick-tock.
So, did you solve the case?
Unfortunately not.
I had a hunch, but it didn't pan out.
But I did have another thought,
that maybe our suspect is not a Voyeur.
Maybe they're a filmmaker.
Whoever made that video in the woods had to know what they were doing,
and they even hired actors.
Plus, the fact that it's all on videotape,
that's the hallmark of a cinephile.
Let's start at the Bijou theater.
Yeah. There's also Paramecium Records and Blue Velvet Video.
Okay, that was seriously one of the best videos we've made yet.
Good work. Especially you, Reggie.
You have a great laugh.
Nice and deep.
Keep this up and, uh, we're all gonna make a lot of money.
We should go into business on our own,
and ditch this Terry dude. We don't need him.
This is Terry's operation, Reggie.
If we act as our own distributor,
we don't have to cut anyone in
on our hard-earned bank.
We'll make our own website and put it behind a pay wall.
You know, it's not a bad idea, Kevin.
Look, all you have to do is let Terry down easy.
I'll take care of the rest. Getting the equipment,
recruiting us some new talent.
This is gonna pay for our community college education, boys.
I can't believe places like this still exist.
Yeah. Open 24 hours, too.
Can I help you, gentlemen?
Yes, actually. This is quite the retro vibe you got going on.
- FBI. Can we ask you a couple of questions? - Sure can.
We're assuming you know about the videotapes being delivered around town?
- Sure do. - Have you heard anything about them?
Any of your customers acting suspicious?
They all act suspicious.
Can we check all your records? Who's rented what?
Happy to oblige.
That's old school. I like it.
Each customer gets a page.
The first column is the date when they checked out a tape.
Second column is the date they returned it.
Who is E. Muggs?
Looks like they rented Friday the 13th 16 times.
Oh, that's Ethel Muggs. She's one of my regulars.
Well, heck, you may know her. Goes to Riverdale High.
She's a senior, I believe.
Things aren't looking good for your pal, Ethel Muggs.
I admit that renting Friday the 13th over ten times is excessive,
but it's not a sign of guilt.
I mean, I've seen Eraserhead more times than I can count,
it doesn't mean I'm the man in the planet.
She has a predilection for horror films.
She dropped off a videotape at the station.
You said yourself that she was obsessed with you, Jughead.
In my book, that makes her a prime suspect.
Charles, I'm telling you, it finally seems like Ethel is in a good place.
And there's more than 100 tapes.
I don't think she has the bandwidth or even the equipment
for that kind of operation.
Let's just move on.
Cheryl.
You need to get to the Maple Club right the hell now!
Oh, my God. What the hell happened in here?
We were invaded
by those mountain men you insisted on provoking.
- Who, the Malloys? - Yes.
I was sleeping in my secret room behind the office,
and heard the door being kicked in.
It's only by the grace of God they didn't find and molest my mumzie.
Miss Blossom, I am so sorry this happened to you.
I swear, I am going to murder my father.
You were out early, mija.
No. I was out late.
All night.
Cleaning up the Maple Club after you
sent those hillbilly Malloys to trash it.
What? I did no such thing.
I would never do business with the Malloys.
They're ruthless competitors. They're dangerous.
Did Jinx's boys threaten you?
- If he threatened you... - No, no. If you didn't start this,
then it's none of your concern, okay?
Do not underestimate the Malloys.
I've tangled with them.
Let me help you deal with this.
Okay? I'll settle whatever dispute you have with them.
Absolutely not, Daddy.
This is my business, my war,
and I'm gonna win it on my terms.
Besides, if the Malloys are as dangerous as you're insinuating,
you may not be strong enough to go up against them.
"Dear Diary, today was the best day ever.
Archie asked if I wanted to come over and listen to records.
I said yes, of course."
? We used to laugh with style ?
"Turns out the records were his dad's,
but they were still pretty cool."
Archie, what are you doing here?
Kev told me that Honey's making you do the yearbook.
- I wanna help you. - No.
Arch, you're not helping me with the yearbook,
and that's not why you're here.
Okay, you're right. Honestly, I can't stop thinking about you, Betty.
I've tried, but it's impossible.
Archie, we can't do this.
Not here.
Wait, "not here"?
- So that means you... - I can't stop thinking about you either.
- So maybe... - We meet tonight.
- At the bunker, maybe. - No. Not... Not... Not tonight.
Tomorrow night.
So we have time to think about this.
And make sure it's what we really want.
Tomorrow night.
That actually gives me a little time to do something. Finish something.
Okay.
Hi, Miss Bell. Now, as a senior, I should probably know this,
but does this school have an AV Club?
We do, Mr. Jones.
Can anyone get access to the equipment?
I mean, I assume they have like video cameras and VCRs.
Oh, yes, but only AV Club members are allowed to use it.
Is Ethel Muggs a member of the AV Club?
She's the president.
How funny. You're the second person to ask me that today.
The first was a handsome FBI agent.
Where is he now?
I believe I saw him leaving with Ethel.
Thanks for meeting with me, Terry.
Look, I appreciate all the opportunities you've given me.
But I think it's time that I stop making videos with you.
Why? You're in your prime.
I just...
I'm stressed that somehow my dad is gonna find out.
And with graduation and college coming up, I just, I want to be done.
That's all.
Okay, Kev.
Okay, I understand.
But if you change your mind,
you know where to find me.
So like we'd be tickling each other?
- Exactly. - I don't know, dude.
Sounds kind of weird.
It's not, believe me.
And, fellas, we are talking some serious money here.
Maybe if it was like... co-ed,
we could be down.
I think that could be arranged.
No freakin' way.
I'm not letting your mangy Bulldogs paw my girlfriend's Vixens,
while she's dealing with a maple crisis.
- She would kill me. - Fine.
If you want to laugh in the face of cold, hard cash, be my guest.
Hold on a second, Reggie.
I have a counter proposal.
How about the Vixens tickle the Bulldogs exclusively?
And that way, the girls will be in charge.
Like it should be.
All right!
It is time to choose our first contestant.
Our first lucky Bulldog on defense is...
Jimmy.
Okay, and the first Vixen
doing the tickling is...
Audrey.
Okay.
Let the tickle games begin.
Audrey, Jimmy, follow me to the tickle suite, please.
Hunter Malloy.
You threatening my daughter,
you hillbilly scum?
Who?
You mean that sweet rum-runner girl?
I mean, we tried talking to her.
But what can I say?
Some tramps need more of a hands-on approach.
Yeah?
Okay, man. I'm sorry.
- Face the wall. - I'm just kidd...
Hey, hey, hey.
Don't do it, please don't do it.
You're Hiram Lodge, right? I know all about you.
Please. We won't mess with you again.
We'll leave your daughter alone.
We won't disrespect you again, man, please.
Please.
Thank you. Thank you.
You and your entire clan, you stay away from my daughter and her friends.
- Are we clear? - Yes, sir.
Where the hell have you been?
Where's Ethel?
At home, with her parents.
I told you that she's not our Voyeur.
What is this?
We searched Ethel's house and we found it.
Watch it.
Then we can talk about whether or not you still believe Ethel's innocent.
Mom? Dad?
Daddy?
Oh, my God!
What happened, Daddy?
What did you do?
I was weak, mija.
I had one of the Malloy boys in my sights.
I could have taken him out, but I showed mercy.
A weakness of will that I quickly came to regret.
Daddy, it's okay.
I'm always here for you.
"Dear Diary, I hate, hate, hate Cheryl Blossom.
She made Archie kiss her at school today.
She said it's because they both have red hair,
which makes absolutely no sense."
Lost in reverie, Cousin?
Hey, Cheryl, did you come to drop off your yearbook photos?
Yes, and about that, I'll be needing two pages.
Uh, it's one page per senior.
Yes, and for average humans that would suffice.
But I'd like to pay tribute to Jay-Jay.
Okay, fine, whatever.
What's wrong, Cousin?
Trip down memory lane gotten you blue?
Cheryl, give it back.
My goodness.
I had no idea how much you hated me back in the day.
And all because I snuck a kiss with...
Wait.
I was right, wasn't I?
When I said you and Archie we're doing more than just pretending to date
- when Jughead was dead? - No.
That was obviously pretend.
- But have you... - No!
No, we haven't.
I think a part of me has been in love with Archie for ten years, Cheryl.
False.
You've been in love with the idea of Archie.
The idea of the perfect romance.
But... that wasn't real.
That was fantasy.
But in this town of nightmares,
you and Jughead found each other.
That's real.
That's maybe even, dare I say, "endgame"?
Who knows?
People stray, it happens.
The trick is... stop straying before anyone gets hurt.
Or even better, stop before you even start.
What the hell?
You've been a naughty boy, Kevin.
- Terry. - You lied to me.
You weren't getting out of the tickle business,
you were setting up your own shop.
We don't want to make trouble.
Mmm. You already did.
So...
Here's how you're going to fix this.
You and your buddies...
will give us 40% of your profits.
I'll have to talk to my partners.
Forty percent.
Or you'll never tickle anyone ever again.
Okay, okay. Terry, I get it. Jeez.
Hey, Ethel, got a minute?
This is a sex tape of me and my girlfriend,
filmed without our consent at Stonewall Prep.
And Charles found it while searching your house.
I stood up for you, Ethel.
I believed you, and you had this tape the whole time?
- Where did you even get this? From Bret? - No.
There's a place in the back of the Blue Velvet Video Store.
A secret place. It's called the Scarlet Suite.
Uh-huh. And what's in this Scarlet Suite?
Tapes. Rougher ones. Weirder ones. Homemade.
Like the Voyeur tapes?
And darker stuff. Like... sex tapes.
Maybe even snuff films, I heard.
And that's where this was?
The video was called Ponytail Playmate.
I thought it sounded fun.
But the second I saw what it was, I swear, I turned it off.
And I kept it because I didn't want anyone else to get their hands on it.
Please, you have to believe me.
Go to the Scarlet Suite, Jughead.
You'll find what you're looking for.
Shut everything down ASAP.
We can't. Our videos are already uploaded.
We're a hit, bro. A big, fat, stinking hit.
Then we need to give Terry a cut.
- No. - No, just a taste.
No way. This is our thing, not his.
And I know how to handle Terry.
All I need you to do is set up a meeting with him at the Five Seasons.
I got your back, bro. Trust me.
How can I help you, fellas?
Keep out of our way, we have a warrant to search the store.
Uh...
What?
What is it, Jughead?
Only 18 and over allowed back here.
Where the hell did you get this?
People come in selling and trading all kinds of tapes.
It's a video of Clifford Blossom shooting his son Jason Blossom.
It's an actual snuff film.
This is making a lot more sense now.
You boys better have my 40%.
You know, if you'd asked for 10%, maybe.
But you got greedy, so, here are our terms.
You get zilch.
And if any of your goons so much
as touch a hair on my boy Kevin's head,
me and the 'dogs will break a lot more than your fingers.
You boys just made a big mistake.
I'm so sorry about your Dad,
but I got into this business for fun, to do something fun with you.
And it was, for a while.
But some families have rum in their veins,
and other families have maple syrup.
And some blood types simply are incompatible.
In other words, partner, I want out, effective immediately.
Okay.
You asked to see us, Mr. Honey?
I did.
Earlier, I received a troubling phone call,
alerting me of a clandestine online "tickling ring,"
apparently being operated by students from Riverdale High.
You care to comment on this?
Was this some Terry guy who called you?
It doesn't matter who it was, Mr. Mantle, is it true?
You know what, Mr. Honey,
yeah, we did produce the videos.
And there is nothing wrong with it, because it's just tickling.
And what we did doesn't break any laws.
Yeah, and we were all wearing clothes.
Yes, you were, Mr. Mantle. In fact, some of you were wearing
Bulldog jerseys and Vixen practice uniforms,
putting you in violation of at least a dozen legal and copyright laws.
Not to mention, under my direct jurisdiction.
Which means, I want your degenerate website taken down
immediately before it tarnishes the reputation of this school.
Do I make myself clear?
Yes, sir.
Good.
Now, get out of my sight.
I wanted to share something with you.
What is it?
It's a song I wrote for you.
? The snow morning when everything changes ?
? You let down your guard and I ?
? Saw something strange I thought ?
? She's not made for this world ?
? And neither am I ?
? 'Cause you make me... ?
Stop.
What? What is it? You don't like it?
No, this... It's... It's us.
I love Jughead.
And you love Veronica, don't you?
But then, what has this all been about?
I don't know.
I don't know. Maybe it's because everything's changing...
in the next few weeks.
And you and I feel safe with each other, we always have.
I don't know.
And I do not want to hurt or lose Jughead.
I don't want to lose or hurt Veronica either. I...
So whatever this is, or it was...
It's just over.
I love that song, Archie.
Sounds like you wrote it for someone special.
Has Veronica heard it yet?
Uh, no, not yet. It's a surprise.
Well, she's going to love it.
Hey, Mom, if it's not too late...
I'm ready to get serious about the Naval Academy.
That's wonderful news, Archie.
And, uh, I know I've been kinda flaky lately,
but I'm all in now. I promise.
I think it's time for a completely fresh start.
Well, I will call Brooke and tell her the good news.
Elizabeth, what are you doing, honey?
Exorcising my demons.
Oh. But these are your diaries.
These are your childhood memories, honey. They're precious.
And that's all they are, Mom.
Memories.
Why don't we save this one?
It's okay to keep one, if you want.
Yeah. Right, one is fine.
Thank you.
So, what's next?
Graduation. Carnegie Mellon.
So, I got into the University of Pittsburgh.
You did?
You wanna go there? Why?
Because they gave me a scholarship.
And because it's close to Carnegie Mellon.
I wonder what it would be like for us to date
somewhere that's not in Riverdale.
I've been... I've been wondering that, too.
And... maybe we find out.
Yeah, maybe we do.
Mmm... So...
Do you think Reggie was right that it was Terry that called Mr. Honey?
Probably.
I mean, how else would Mr. Honey find out
about a clandestine tickling ring?
Sorry, Holden. The Scarlet Suite's closed until further notice.
- What happened? - The FBI raided me.
All my contraband's been confiscated.
I was just released myself.
I'm sorry to hear that, David.
Well...
It's probably for the best.
I must admit, I'm surprised.
I know it's been a while since I last came to you asking for money,
but... this will allow me to buy Cheryl out of the maple rum business.
You refused my help numerous times, as I recall.
Yes. But the reasons I didn't want to get into business
with you were your immoral ways.
What happened when you spared that Malloy troll...
you said it revealed that you were weak.
But I think it did the exact opposite.
It took strength for you to not go back to your old habits,
and I'm proud of you for it.
I shouldn't have gone after one of your sons, Jinx.
Was out of line.
Hiram Lodge, you outta know by now,
you never turn your back on a Malloy.
Lesson learned.
It showed me that you have finally,
truly, turned over a new leaf.
I have, mija.
And, might I add, it's a pleasure doing business with you again.
It was actually called Ponytail Playmate?
Yeah.
Just when we thought Bret Weston Wallis
couldn't be any more of a creep, huh?
Cheryl's calling me.
Hello?
Yeah, I'll be right there.
Cheryl just got sent another tape. She wants me to come over.
- Oh, wow. - Oh.
- I know you swore off mysteries, but... - No.
- I'm in. - Well, well.
Dream team back together again?
It was sitting on my doormat when we got home.
We thought it was gonna be like the other tapes at first.
Why me?
Why are they coming after me?
It's not just you, Cheryl.
I got one, too.
I have a feeling we're only the first.
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