And here's your top-of-the-hour war forecast.
As you can see here on our real-time Accu-War map,
the Valdrogian kill front is currently moving
in a southwesterly direction,
burning and murdering everything in its path.
And, yes, folks, unfortunately this icon here
does represent Lower Murkford,
putting us directly in the path of the slaughter.
All residents are advised to evacuate the village immediately
in a calm and orderly fashion.
Sports is next.
Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com
Hiya, Frank.
Hey, Eddie. What's shakin'?
Ah, you know, same ol'.
Dad, we got to get out of here!
They're calling this the siege of the century!
Sweetheart, relax.
The media always exaggerates these types of things.
Do you remember the Visigoth attack of '09?
They called that the siege of the century,
and barely 400 people died.
Besides, if things get really bad,
we could always go down to my siege shelter.
You have a shelter?
That's great. Let's go.
Kids, huh?
Huh. It's really starting to come down.
Aaaah!
Hi. So, good news, bad news.
The good news is that we finally finished
slaying all the wedding guests.
The bad news is that Princess Vicki escaped
and she's leading the Valdrogian army into town.
Then we are vanquished.
My kingdom.
I've lost my kingdom.
Okay, we gotta boogie. Let's head for the coast.
I've got an armored pleasure yacht, the S.S. Gigantress.
It's big enough to hold a village.
W-Wait! If it can hold a village,
well, sh... we should take the village.
Are you kidding? The yacht's just for us.
Well, but t-t-there's room for so many more.
Not if you account for my luggage.
Now, forget about those filthy peasants and come on.
No, Dad! They are not just filthy peasants!
They are filthy people!
They are good, decent, filthy people
who have welcomed me into their lives
and have taught me how to live and... and dream and love!
You're right.
There are a lot of them.
It'll take the Valdrogians hours to slaughter them all.
Even if they just do decapitations,
that's a minute, a minute 10 per head.
Ah, we've got plenty of time.
Let's head up to the treasure room
and load up with as much gold, jewels,
and other shit as we can carry.
Bye-bye.
Vexler, no. Stay.
Help me fight for Lower Murkford.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna hop on that pleasure yacht.
No, wait. T-The peasants,
they have no means of defending themselves.
- Maybe that's on them. - What?
I've worked my whole life to get here.
I'm not throwing it away for a bunch of people
that can't even help themselves.
Pretty sweet, huh?
Dad, all this food has definitely gone bad.
Maybe I shouldn't have only stocked mayonnaise-based foods.
But not to worry.
We have plenty of rock sprouts to eat.
We have a big barrel of water and a solid roof.
- Oh! - What?
Oh.
Dang it.
Hear ye, hear ye! This just in.
Prince Chauncley has opened up his castle to any villagers
who wish to wait out the siege within the safety of its walls.
That prince, he's a heck of a guy.
I mean, he's fine.
He was already in the castle,
so it's not that big of a deal for him to open the door, but...
Aaaah!
Yeah, we should get there.
Castle's pretty far away.
How are we gonna get across town?
Easy. We'll walk.
I hate to say it, kids, but we're definitely gonna die.
Aw, man.
This table won't last for long. Think, guys!
There's got to be some clever way to get to the castle.
Okay, I've got it.
We make friends with a really big turtle
and he gives us a ride in his shell.
That's a neat idea, Mikey, but I don't know
where we're gonna find a big turtle around here.
Especially not a friendly one.
Sorry. I'm just trying to help.
It's okay, Mikey. We'll figure it out.
I got it.
Oh, wow, look what you did to the cart.
Come on. Get in.
I'll pull you guys to the castle.
Al, wait. I want to pull it.
No, Mikey. It's really dangerous.
Please.
Look, I want to help for once, and this is something I can do.
Thanks, Mikey.
Thank you so much. Yes, please.
Welcome. Make yourself at home.
Come on, ladies. Hustle.
Move, move, move.
Sister Doris, what's our head count?
Five? We started with six.
Wait, were you counting Christ?
Because he "always walks amongst us"?
[BLEEP] Now is not the time for that shit, Doris.
Maggie! Maggie, is Al with you?
No, I haven't seen her.
She must still be out there somewhere.
M'lord, the Valdrogians are nearly through the city gate.
If we don't raise the drawbridge now, we could all be killed.
No, keep it down.
There's still a few people I'm hoping will make it.
Hit it, Mikey!
Aaaaaaaah!
Hey. Mikey, stop.
- What? - Oh, we can't leave Frank.
He's a one-of-a-kind guy.
Dad, he is the most unremarkable man I've ever met.
Come on, Al, we're not the kind of people
who leave our friends behind.
Okay.
Frank!
- Come on! - Eddie!
Thanks for stopping.
Sorry. I know. I'm an over-packer.
Hey, we should pick up Gladys.
Of course.
Gladys! Welcome aboard.
Thanks for the lift.
Thought me and Pecky were done for.
Hey, let's grab The Oracle, too.
Sure.
- What is it? - Oh.
- Seriously? - Oh, please.
Well, sorry.
If I don't practice for a day,
I start to lose it.
Come on.
Dad, I'm not sure how much more weight this cart can carry.
Nah, it'll be fine.
This thing is strong as a rock.
Hey, we're almost there, and the drawbridge is still down.
Hi!
Oh! We have three more!
No, we can't take anyone else.
Come on, Al. They need our help.
Yeah! Don't be a dick.
Come on!
- Come on! - Quickly.
- Run! - You have to run.
Run, Wesley Pervert!
Snug in here. I like it.
Oh, shit.
Al, can you actually, like, scooch down a little?
I have barely any leg room.
Just go, Mikey.
Yaaaaah!
You idiots!
I told you this was gonna happen, but you never listen!
And now we're all gonna die!
And you know what? Maybe we should.
Maybe this is exactly what this stupid town deserves.
God, I wish I'd never come back here.
Yah!
Hoo-ha. Hoo-ha. Hoooooo-ha.
Captured?
The Valdrogians are holding them in the town square.
I-Is one of them a young woman
with a brave heart and a brilliant mind
and a smile that makes you feel like it's summer?
Okay, we have to save them.
Rally every soldier we have.
That's just us, m'lord.
There's no way we're going back out there.
Jargar.
Jargar!
Fine. I'll go alone.
I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Sire.
It's my job to protect you.
If you die, I lose my pension, dental, everything.
All right.
Well, I suppose I will just have to make myself comfortable
at the castle for a little whi...
Oh, my God. Are those Valdrogians?
I've run off!
Enemies of Valdrogia, you are hereby sentenced to death.
Maybe King Cragnoor will save us.
I mean, he's a pretty good king, right?
Do you ever have one of those moments where you just think,
"Everything in my life is perfect"?
Like a kind of a Zen feeling?
You're just totally happy and at peace
knowing every decision you made was right.
It's crazy to think
that we're never gonna see Lower Murkford again.
Ahh. Where?
The town you ruled over.
The place we just left all the peasants to die.
Oh, yeah. Well, maybe that's on them.
Best use for those vermin is to nourish the worms
with their murdered flesh.
I mean, you of all people should know.
You used to crawl among those vile bugs.
And now look at you.
You're rich and very, very happy.
Cheers!
You and me, Vexler, road dogs!
Rrrr-ah!
Hey, guys.
So, this part of the conquering is actually kind of fun.
It's Valdrogian tradition to pick one person, you know,
to "live to tell the tale."
So go ahead.
Pick someone.
Come on. Pick who lives.
One person to not die.
Well, uh, I, for one, think we should pick someone
who represents Lower Murkford the best.
So, um, I nominate Al.
- What? - I, too, vote for Al.
She's obviously of greater value to society than any of us.
Honestly... I totally agree.
She's just, like, better than us and always has been.
Yeah, this one's a no-brainer.
Guys, stop it. Let's just draw straws or something.
What's a straw?
But anyway, they're right, sweetie.
I mean, it's like you said.
We're all dumb and we deserve to die.
But not you. You're the best of us.
You deserve to live an incredible life.
Yeah.
- Hey, scary lady? - Hmm?
- We choose Al. - Yay!
Thanks, Jerry.
Go. Yes, yes. Come on. Go, Al.
Al, I wish I had something to give you,
but all I have are these rock sprouts I found in my pocket.
Eat them, get black teeth and hives, and think of me.
TBH, I was hoping they would choose you.
I have a really good sense for people,
and I can just tell that you're, like, cool, you know?
Here. These are for you.
Pretty.
Beautiful.
And there's your ride.
His name is Dream Chaser, and he knows the way to Paris.
Enjoy your great life, okay?
Aaaah!
Ha! Chauncley!
No way around it.
I'll just have to fight them all to the death.
You are a vessel of incredible power.
Chauncley?
- What are you doing here? - Al.
Why didn't you, like, flee or something?
Oh, I was gonna try and save the peasants.
The people. Sorry.
That's pretty cool of you.
Wait. I thought you were captured.
- They let me go. - Oh, that's great!
Well, you... you should get out of town, find some place safe.
I can't leave.
I've always hated this stupid town, but it's my stupid town.
I mean, we'll have a much better chance
if we work together, right?
Okay, so the cage is here,
and I saw guards here, here, and here.
Oh, God. That is a lot of guards.
And there's only two of us.
Three of us.
Vexler!
Sorry for running off and leaving you to die earlier.
That wasn't super cool of me.
Oh, well, why'd you come back?
I didn't work this hard to leave when things get tough.
See, this... this is why you're my best friend!
I'm your only friend.
Oh, yes! You said it!
You said we're friends. Jargar, you heard him.
Okay.
Vexler, you've researched the Valdrogians.
Is... Is there any way of stopping their army?
Not really, nothing short of a sudden plague.
Oh, yeah. Vicki hates plagues.
Their armor is invincible, and Cragnoor took our best weapons.
So they've got 20,000 warriors, archers, and catapults,
and we've got... rocks sprouts.
We've got rock sprouts!
The second time she said it, she seemed happy.
So, you do that for arms. What do you do on leg days?
No! No, you can't do this to me!
I'm royalty! Unhand me, you ruffian! Ah!
What's going on?
I'm here to offer you the prince.
But you're his most trusted adviser.
Why would you do this?
For money.
That tracks. Bag of gold?
I love it.
Take him to the cage!
No! I hate cages!
So, just, like, tiny movements?
- Isometric, tiny? - Short jabs.
How many reps?
Hey!
Enemies of Valdrogia, the time of your death has come.
So cool you stuck around for this.
You know, I actually watched my dad get murdered, too.
And at the time, I was like, "Ugh,"
but now I'm so glad I did.
You know, it's just one of those things
that you only get to watch once.
Totally.
I'm honestly glad my dad's being put out of his misery.
You know, given his whole situation.
Okay, now.
Some rock sprouts for you and for you.
But w-what do you mean, his situation?
Oh, just he's really sick... with plague.
Plague?
Yeah, he just caught it.
See? Ugh. Look what it's done to him.
And the rest of the town's coming down with it, too.
Ugh, I've 100% got the plague.
It's crazy how fast it spreads.
Uh, Lord Vexler, is that true?
Is this whole town infected with plague?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Big time.
Mm-hmm. This is literally the dirtiest, grotiest,
most plague-infested village I've ever seen.
You did it! You saved the day!
We saved the day!
Wesley Pervert.
I am what I am.
Bard, play party mix.
? Go fast, I like to go far ?
? Won't you open that door, get in my car ?
? D-D-D-Don't have to be alone ?
? Don't have to be hard ?
? G-Go fast, I like to go far ?
Okay, Mikey, now that you've been promoted,
you'll need this.
Gonna be a little tricky at first,
but I know you can figure it out.
Thanks, Al.
I'm really gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
Are you sure you're gonna be okay
walking all the way to Paris?
I'll have to be.
Wesley Pervert ran off with my horse.
All good.
Got you a little going-away present
Whoa! Maggie! How?
That child crusade that I launched made bank,
so I got a sick promotion.
Proud of you.
You too, Mags.
Chauncley!
Look. We don't have to walk.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Thank God. You know I get blisters after about six yards.
I'm familiar, Your Highness.
Oh, no. Not "Your Highness."
I've renounced the title, remember.
Yeah, I still think it's kind of weird you did that.
I was never cut out to be king.
Besides, Lower Murkford is in much better hands now.
- Are you serious? - Mm-hmm.
You're next in line.
Dad killed the rest of my natural family, so...
- No, I can't take this. - Eh, eh, eh.
It's too late.
They're already painted your portrait.
Take good care of Lower Murkford.
I will. Thank you, Chauncley.
Oh, no.
You don't have to bow. I'm not Cragnoor.
I mean, don't not bow.
It's just, like, you don't have to bow so far, you know?
Just bow to wherever's comfortable.
Are you sure you've got everything you need, sweetie?
Yeah, Dad.
I'm all good.
Well, I guess this is it, then.
Actually, Dad?
Can you maybe do the Safety Spell?
Well, I don't know. Let's see if I remember it.
Greeble grabble snooble-snau.
Baggle wag ka-blevver.
These magic words protect you now
and always will forever.
Thanks, Dad.
See you later.
Bye.
Bye, sir.
- Okay. - Bye.
Mm. Forest looks awfully dark.
Yeah.
We'll find a way.
credits