'Hello, Fran Fernandez?'
Er, yes?
'This is Linda from the Fraud Prevention Team.
We've noticed some suspicious activity on your card.
As a precaution, Mrs Fernandez,
I'd like to go through some of your recent purchases.
Is this a good time?'
Yeah, sure.
'Did you purchase a couples spa weekend at the Carinthia Hotel?'
That was probably my husband. We share an account.
Sometimes he will make purchases without my knowing.
'Oh, I'm sorry. I've probably ruined a nice surprise for you.'
Oh, God, don't worry. He won't be taking ME.
'OK. You're absolutely sure it's your husband using the card?'
Yeah. Pretty sure.
Linda, can I just check the last transaction?
'Let's see. 03:35 AM, I've got bottle service
in a nightclub called Snakes And Lads.'
Oh, yes, that's definitely Joao.
It's his favourite gay bar.
'It's for £2,600.'
Gosh. Tha-That is... That is a lot, isn't it?
I will very much bring that up with my husband when he gets home.
'You have a nice day now.' Thanks so much, Linda.
Stop trying to run away.
What?
Of course I'm trying to bloody run away!
Will you two please quit cocking about?
You are making a huge mistake.
When my people realise I'm missing,
they're gonna find you two clowns and bury you in your own shit.
Wait. You've got people?
I'm the head of a wealth management firm
operating in over 100 countries.
My house has four AGAs. Of course I have fucking people!
Well, Mr K... ..also has people...
Us. If you pull that trigger, your boss is gonna lose
a lot more than the few hundred thousand quid I've skimmed.
Hello?
Yeah, we've got her. Let me speak to him. Put him on.
She wants to talk to you.
Christian?
Hi, good evening. How are you?
Listen, this has all been terrific fun,
but er, here's the thing.
I've been quietly putting all your savings
into a high-security bank account that only I can access.
Think of it as an insurance policy. Clever. I'd never think of that.
Yeah, and that's why this suit cost more than everything you two own.
I doubt it. Fran's got an Xbox.
Now, here's the really juicy part.
If I don't sign into that account every six hours,
it becomes permanently frozen.
Bye-bye, savings.
Hello, Chicken Cottage.
It's a fast-food restaurant.
My stepson goes there when he's on drugs.
The fact is, I last signed in, let's see, around three hours ago,
so you might want to let me go sooner rather than later.
OK?
Oh. He wants to speak to you.
Get the password how?
Torture her?
Erm...
..torture isn't really our thing.
We just like a nice clean kill.
Tell him if he lets me go now, I'll split the money 50-50.
Waterboarding?
Oh, no, no way.
Racking?
Riding the rail.
The brazen bull?
These torture techniques look like tantric sex positions.
Fran, this is not our bag. No.
I mean, it's one thing killing somebody but...
popping their tips in a laminator, I mean...
Listen! Your boss isn't an idiot.
He will take the deal, and when he does,
if you've so much as scuffed my Louboutins,
I'm gonna make sure he has you killed,
then resuscitated by a team of very expensive Swiss surgeons
and then killed again.
There's no way we're doing any of that awful stuff.
We need to... We need to think out of the box.
Mints. Extra Strong.
Pop three of these in her mouth at once and...
Not exactly Saw, is it?
Oh, God, it's Joao. Is he stealing from you again?
Jamie, it's not stealing.
He's simply taking my money without permission.
He's been with you for six months? Mm. He's got his visa now.
You could be out there,
meeting someone that means something to you.
Fran...
Do you know, I can totally see you getting it together
with a Salma Hayek figure, yeah?
And she is not gonna steal money from you, because she is loaded.
Can I just say, I dated for years and all I ever got was heartbreak...
and the occasional bout of oral thrush.
Oi! Loose Women!
Tick-fucking-tock!
Tell Mr K to take the deal!
Fran, talking of oral thrush -
I don't have time to give her that now.
No, why don't we seduce her
with a bit of S-and-M hostage role-play?
Now, I'm totally up for it,
but full disclosure, I am on day four of these Spanx,
so... Oh, God.
I don't know who would be into that.
What, you've never tried role-play in the bedroom? Er...
sex is like life, Jamie.
You just want to rattle through it quickly
and then apologise.
Although, having said that... ..it doesn't always work.
This guy I'm seeing at the moment.
There is nothing about Colin I can get excited about.
It's like having sex with a piece of Shredded Wheat.
I've burned through most of my role-play repertoire
trying to spice things up a bit - you know, the French maid,
the naughty nurse, the disgraced dentist.
He's not into any of it.
Trust me, this is a waste of everyone's time!
My personal trainer says I have the pain threshold
of someone in a medically-induced coma!
Right. Listen.
If we're gonna get that psycho to break...
we need to get in here. Into your head.
Into HER head, Jamie.
Sounds intense. It can be.
Leave this to me.
I don't want you to get caught in the crossfire.
Come on. That's it. Let it all out.
I'm...
The thing is, it's really hard, you know,
because I really try and I try, and I don't get anything back.
We're not properly married but -
Fran, you need to wise up.
Tell this Joao what I told my mother last week.
If you can't pay your way, you're on the streets.
Oh. Sorry.
It's just it... Well, it's been...
It's been a while. Just thought I'd check in.
See how the...
I've just been telling Fran here
that she needs to be more assertive with this...
excuse my French, fuck-wit Joao.
He is walking all over her.
Thank you! Yeah.
That's what I've been telling her. Fran...
she's right. Joao is taking the piss.
Yeah, listen to your friend, Fran.
Yeah. I... I will. And you're... you're both right.
I'm gonna go call him now and tell him he now I feel.
Oh, good girl!
Thank you.
Thank you again.
I'll tidy myself up and speak to him.
Right, you're gonna give me the password.
Come on, then. What have you got?
Joao?
Joao, it's me.
Your sham wife?
Joao, turn the music down.
Turn the music down!
I don't care there's a foam party.
Just please get them out of the house.
OK, listen.
I will shut down that joint account unless you start contributing.
Contributing.
Con... Oh, fuck, hang on, what is it?
Con... Oh, hang on.
Contribuir - that's it!
How are you er... doing with those?
Ready to talk? I've actually had a bit of a sniffle coming on,
so it is helping to clear out the old nasal passage.
I'm actually rubbish at this torture stuff.
Jamie, don't do yourself down.
I think you're the brains of this outfit
Really? Yes, it's so obvious.
Fran's out there, yacking away to her husband
while you're in here manning the ship.
You're the one who's really in charge.
And that's why I'm going to give you the password.
For what?
The bank account.
Wait, seriously? Yes.
OK. Are you ready?
The password is... two.
That's it, just two?
Yeah. Nice and simple so I don't forget it.
Smart.
Are you gonna call your boss and tell him?
I actually... I'm not allowed to call Mr K.
It's usually Fran - Uh-oh-oh-oh, Jamie?
I thought we'd just agreed that you're in charge?
Who's the one who's got the password? The password?
To the bank account! Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
Wait, what was it again? Two! Two.
Two. Got it.
Can you imagine how pleased he'll be when you call and tell him?
He'll probably give you some kind of special reward.
I don't know what you're into.
A... bicycle?
Or a... button?
Hoo. Great news.
Joao has finally agreed to pull his weight financially.
Great. Yep, he's planning to set up a nightclub,
which, if my Portuguese translation is correct,
I think he's gonna call Cock-A-Hoop.
What are you doing? Calling Mr K.
Why? You're not supposed to do that!
Hang on, I broke her. I've got the password.
It's two. What do you mean it's two?
It's two? It's just two. Can you believe it?
No, I can't believe it because it's not just two.
She's playing... Give me that.
No! Just cos you're jealous.
Cos I'm manning the ship. Rubbish!
Er, hello, Mr K?
Yep, erm...
Well, we just wanted to ring in and erm...
well, just see how you are, really. How are you?
And how's...
Right. Just shut the fuck up.
I will do that. And...
Yeah, I'll get on with it now.
Yes, because my life depends on it.
Thank you for... Lovely to catch up.
This is turning out to be quite fun.
If we can't make her give us the password in the next hour,
we are both dead.
Mate, I promise you, I'm pushing my brain to the absolute limit.
Who's that? Oh... God, it's Colin.
That's Colin? Yep.
Colin you've been seeing? Yes.
Mr Shredded Wheat? Yep.
God. You didn't tell me he was coming.
You also didn't tell me he was so insanely hot.
I dropped a pin, and he's brought us some soup.
Erm... that's your boyfriend?
What escort agency is he with?
What does he think we do?
TV licence inspectors. That's not even a thing anymore.
You might as well have said we're chimney sweeps.
What do you tell Joao? He's never really asked.
Does Colin charge by the hour?
Will you shut up? Or I'll kill you.
You won't get the password.
Fine. I'll wee in a bath every day and drown you in it.
I've got a client who'd pay a lot of money for that.
The soup is gonna be cold.
So let's deal with this.
Hey, babe. Hi.
Sorry I'm late. The orphanage is really understaffed the moment,
so it was tough to get away. Whatever.
You must be Fran. Hi.
Did you say you worked... in an orphanage?
Volunteer.
My day job is swimwear modelling,
but that's just to put bread on the table.
My true passion has always been my work with disadvantaged kids.
Do you do couples?
Who's that? TV licence dodger.
You put them in the van with you?
Well, it's the only way those cheating bastards will learn.
Yes.
Thank you. No worries.
It was worth it just to see you.
Listen, Jamie...
Now what? I was thinking a lot about, you know, the other night.
I can get into the naughty nurse thing,
as long as we make it clear
that I'm only naughty in my own time.
What about the croutons?
Just leave them outside. Cheers.
You know, I usually use Omega Escorts,
but the last one they sent me was such a let-down.
Six-foot seven, completely hairless
and hung like a frightened lab rat.
God, he's such a dork.
That's it. Off you fuck.
Vegetable soup!
Classic Colin.
If you're not going to eat it, can I have some?
Sure.
Whoa! Whoa, there.
If she's that hungry, we can maybe use it to break her.
I'm not gonna get so hungry in the next two hours
that I give up millions of pounds. I'm not a cartoon bear!
All right, fine.
It's quite nice, actually.
God. What a fuck-up. I know, right?
Vegetable soup. He is such a tit.
No... Oh, forget it.
Hang on, what's in that?
Ooh, er... onions... celery, soy sauce -
Soy sauce?
Shitting hell! I am seriously allergic to soy!
You have to get me to a hospital.
Oh, nice try. No, I'm not fucking around!
Bullshit!
Oh, God! Stay with us,
you horrid, fancy cow!
Oh, God, she's passing out! No, we need to keep alive
until she gives us the password.
What do you do with allergic reactions? I don't know.
How about a YouTube tutorial?
That's a great idea. Look it up.
Breathe. Breathe.
First aid. Yeah.
Allergic reaction. Great!
'I know what you're thinking...' Skip the ad!
How do I skip it? "Skip ad"! Four seconds.
Bottom right! There's no skip... Got it!
'Hello, and welcome to Emergency Room For You.'
'In this three-hour tutorial...'
For fuck sake! Maybe we should take her to hospital.
No, it's too risky. Who else is gonna help us with this?
'..dairy, shellfish...'
No!
I am not calling Liz and Charles. Do we have a choice?
Calling Mr K's A-team to mop up your mess again?
So pathetic.
Setting up all this shit just so you have an excuse to see me.
In my dreams. Er, your dreams.
There we go. She should be absolutely fine.
You skip lunch?
Cos you got some hungry eyes, girl.
Thanks, Charles. You're a lifesaver.
Oh, no, honestly, it's been an honour.
It's been really lovely to flex the old medical muscles again.
Reminds me of my time when I was an Army nurse in Helmand.
Good times. Can't go back.
Literally. We left it in an absolute mess.
Come on, Charles! We got better things to do than...
bail out these assholes.
Well, if Mr K loses all his money, you'll be out of job.
Anyway, why are you all dressed up in that sexy outfit?
I mean, not that I find it sexy. Not my bag at all.
Don't like it. Can't look at it. Urgh.
We're infiltrating a sex party.
Billionaire Russian pervs.
Why don't we get jobs like that?
Yeah, well, no offence,
but you're less high-end sex party, more Warhammer convention.
Righty-ho, keep her off anything soy-based.
She was very lucky this time.
Charles, we couldn't borrow that stuff, could we?
Yeah, sure. Why not?
Thanks.
Charles, are they really gonna let you in wearing that?
Me? Oh, I'm actually not going in.
I'm gonna be in the car park. Liz's orders.
So why are you wearing that?
Just feels nice. Fuck sake, Charles! Let's go!
OK.
Why did you keep talking to those idiots?
I was boiling in there with his goddamn thing on.
My body's slicker than a fucking sea otter right now!
Other side.
Give us the password.
No.
All right. Jamie, what have we got?
Ooh, I've got tofu, edamame beans,
miso dressing - Taste The Difference.
Flumps, some teriyaki - Sorry, Flumps?
Do they have soy in them? No.
Sorry, I got those for me.
You can't kill me. We both know you're bluffing.
You're right, I can't kill you, but what I can do...
is just take you to the very brink...
again and again and again, and then just bring you back.
Anyway, Jamie, I think I'd like to start with the salmon teriyaki,
please.
Shouldn't we start small? Oh, I'm done fucking around.
Let us commence.
Mmm.
Oh, fine, fine, fine!
I'll give you the password.
It's encrypted so you need to take to my office.
Now get that sushi out of my face!
How long's this gonna take?
I'm going as fast as I can.
There's a very complex security system.
This isn't Pigeon Canyon.
What's Pigeon Canyon? It's an online game for children.
My stepson got kicked off it
for using it as a platform to sell Ecstasy.
Oh, is this him? Please don't touch that.
It's very precious. See? You love him really.
No, I loathe him but the frame is a Lalique.
Oh, God, it's Joao.
"My heart is chock-a-block with sorry."
He's using some rubbish new translation app.
Erm, "Cock-A-Hoop is a no-go-go-go,
but I will promise I will find wet assets."
I presume he means "liquid". There's a...
Hang on, there's a link to a page.
See? He's not all bad.
Mate, I was too quick to judge him. It's an eBay page. Hang on.
What...?
Hang on, he's selling all my stuff online.
Look, those are my shoes.
My laptop's selling for a tenner.
You are not bidding on my laptop, Jamie.
Who the fuck is that?
Oh! The cavalry's here. Told you I had people!
Get down. Get down.
Where's your gun? It's in the van.
Well, why would you do that?
This was our weapon of choice. Oh, don't be ridic-
No!
I'm over he-
Ow! You bit me, you bitch!
Is that teriyaki on your hand?
Gimme the injection!
Yeah?
Oi!
What are you doing, Brian? You nearly bloody killed me!
Fran, get the gun! What do you think I'm trying to do?
Oh, fuck.
Come here!
Shit! Oh, fuck!
Well, your cavalry's dead.
Help me. Please.
Only if you give us what we need. You'll just kill me.
You're gonna die anyway.
If you give us the password,
there's a small chance Mr K might let you live.
Yep.
She's doing it now.
It's gone.
Have you got it?
Great.
OK, what do you want us to do with her?
OK.
No, hang on. You said -
I did say it was a very small chance.
No, no, no, no, no! Yes!
What?
You've just bought my laptop, haven't you?
Mate, it was real bargain.
I'm thinking I'm finally ready to have a baby, Fran.
It's fresh... Why did you just lick that poo? I don't know.
Why have you got an egg on your head?
It's a responsibility exercise, I'm thinking of having a kid.
Any funny business...
Right.