So,
the old witch returned
to the fair seamstress at her spinning wheel,
this time, carrying a steaming cauldron.
Are you ready for your supper, my pretty?
I hope you're hungry for
little-girl soup!
Great fairy tale, Dad.
Oh, that's no fairy tale.
That just went down last week.
The witch lived right over there.
Dad, can Mr. Potato do the safety spell?
Hmm, I don't know.
Let's see if he remembers it.
Greeble, grabble, snubble, snau,
baggle, wag, kablevver.
These magic words protect you now
and always will, forever.
Thanks, Dad.
Good night.
Good night, honey.
Going out.
Oh! Okay, hon.
Do you need any... coins or food or anything?
- No, thanks. - You know what?
Let me get you a sweater. Might get nippy later.
I'll be fine, Dad.
Oh!
Hey!
What's this? Oh!
Haven't seen this little guy in years!
Remember me, Al?
Sick!
Don't you love me anymore?
Dad, that is a legit health risk.
You've gotta burn that thing.
Okay. Okay. I will.
See ya.
And always will, forever.
Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com
Well, at least you still need me, little rock sprouts.
Mornin', Eddie.
Hey, Lila.
You doin' okay, there, buddy?
I'm good. It's just parenting stuff.
Your boy [BLEEP] cats or somethin'?
No, nothing like that.
It's just my daughter.
She's growin' up so fast!
Feels like yesterday she was this
sweet little kid pulling at my sleeves.
Now look at her.
She's a fully grown, independent woman
with a smoking-hot, perfect 10 boyfriend.
Yeah. That's tough.
But there's nothing you can do.
Kids grow up. They get their own lives
and it's not like you can just
make 'em spend more time with you.
So, I'm giving you more hours.
What? Why?
It's the busy season.
I didn't know there was a busy season.
Oh, yeah! The cabbage harvest
just came in, so, buckle up.
We're gonna have to start working nights, weekends,
and, well, just in general,
spending a whole lot more time together.
Oh. Wow.
Uh, okay. Yeah.
If that's what we gotta do, then,
count me in.
Oh, bard!
Play heartbreak mix.
? I'm strong enough to stand without you ?
? Strong enough to dance alone ?
? I'm strong enough to be a maiden ?
? A maiden on my own ? - Chauncley. Oh, boy.
Bard, off!
You have to stop moping
about this peasant girl, Prince.
It's getting unhealthy!
This place is filthy and... and you smell terrible!
You don't understand, Vexler.
I've never felt the way I did
when I was with Al.
She made me feel so... free,
like I could choose my own destiny.
Don't worry, Prince.
You're still perfectly capable
of choosing your own destiny, okay?
Now, come on. Your dad needs to tell you something.
You're getting married.
What?!
We're losing the war with the Valdrogians.
The only way they'll agree to a truce
is if we combine our kingdoms through royal marriage.
You shall be the pawn I use to secure my legacy.
Wh-What... What if I don't want to get married?
Wedding's tomorrow. Congratulations.
Did you know about this, Jaka?
And those are the top 50 weirdest trees I've ever seen.
Cool, Dad. Thanks for telling me all
about those again.
Whoa!
Archie! You got it!
Yeah!
You guys bought a wagon? How?!
It's all those extra hours we've been doing.
I've been saving my share.
Good for you, kids!
I remember when I bought my first wagon.
It was just an old two-wheeler pulled by a cow,
but, man, I had some wild times
bummin' around town in that thing.
Yeah. Well, that's
not really why we got this.
What do you mean, Alligator?
Well, Dad, you know how I'm always telling you
about my dreams
to do something bigger with my life?
Well, Archie and I have been talking
and we've decided to move to Paris!
The one in France?!
Yeah! Look!
It's got everything. It's got
universities and cafés,
culture, art, intellectuals.
Uh, but isn't it kinda far away?
Oh, yeah. It's super far.
We never could've walked,
but now that we have this wagon,
it's finally possible.
Yeah, Mr. S.
You made this happen.
I can't thank you enough, Dad.
This is all because of you.
Oh!
I can't believe you're actually moving
to actual Paris.
I know! I never thought
it'd really happen, but I'm finally
getting outta here.
You gotta come visit me, all the time, okay?
Al, it takes 10 months to get there.
I mean, let's be real.
Once you go, there's a good chance
that we'll never see each other again.
You could come with us!
Yeah. We have room in the wagon!
- We could... - My career is here, Al.
And things are going really well at the convent.
We're on track to open 50 new churches
this quarter and don't tell anyone,
but I'm leading creative on a new crusade
that we're launching in the spring.
Maggie, that's great!
I know people say that Christianity's a bubble,
but, I really feel like I'm on the ground floor
of something big here.
I don't wanna leave you.
You're not leaving me.
You're leaving Lower Murkford.
You know you have to.
There's nothing keepin' you here anymore.
You're right.
There's not.
So, um,
Princess...?
Vicki.
Princess Vicki.
Um, have you ever been
in an arranged marriage before?
Yeah. Actually,
I've been engaged...
nine times,
but all my other fiancés died,
of plague.
Oh, gosh!
I'm, um...
Mm. Sorry.
You don't have plague, do you?
Oh, me? No. No, no, no. I'm clean.
Are you sure? Have you been tested?
Yep, every six months or so.
Fine. It's just, you know,
I've been burned before and I'm not
about that drama right now.
Oh, god, no. I... totally understand.
- Cool. - Can't be too careful.
Right.
Ohhh, god.
Looks like my mom is day drinking again.
She's already two skulls deep.
I guarantee, by the end of the night,
she's either gonna start killing people
or, worse,
dancing!
Oh.
Yeah. My father kills people a lot, too.
- See? You get it. - Yeah.
Is that you, in that portrait?
Ah, yes.
Um, it was...
it was painted a while ago.
- Mm. - I'm not really sure
why we've still got it up there.
Is that a Sumerian flat-billed mallard?
Well, I... Y-Yes, it is!
I have six of the same kind back at my castle.
- No! - Yeah!
Let's see.
There's Flapster, Quacky,
Fred, Ginger,
Honky, and Bill.
Those are my guys.
Guys?
What's goin' on?
Hello, Alexandra.
We didn't expect you home so soon.
Your brother Michael and I were just
in the middle of a little
intellectual gathering.
Sometimes, we like to get together and, uh,
do smart, intellectual talking about culture.
Michael, you were just about to say to me
an opinion about art, weren't you?
Weren't you?
Dad, I don't understand what's happening.
Would you excuse us for one moment?
Mikey, get your shit together!
Do you want your sister to leave forever?!
Just give her the damn hors d'oeuvres!
Uh, t-today,
we have an assortment
of local, fresh rock sprouts.
Ooh, la, la! Rock sprouts?!
Well, I'll bet you can't get these in Paris.
Yeah, because they're a poisonous weed.
No one outside of this town
even considers rock sprouts food.
Well, if this isn't food, why am I eating it?
I have no idea.
They give you a nasty rash
and turn your teeth black.
Small price to pay for the bitter taste.
Okay. This has been fun,
but, I gotta start loading up the cart.
We're leaving in the morning.
Agh!
Al.
You can't go.
What? Why?
Because Paris is Paris and... and... and...
and you're just a kid!
No, I'm not.
Not anymore.
Well, I'm still your dad
and I forbid you from going.
Dad, I'm sorry you feel that way, but,
this is what I wanna do
and you can't stop me.
Oh? Oh, we'll see about that.
Try getting to Paris without your wagon.
- Ah! - Dad! Come on!
You're gonna hurt yourself!
Stop!
Ah! Oh!
Oh, my god.
- Okay. Here. - Ow!
Fine! You hate this place?!
Then... just go!
I don't care!
Get out of here!
Go!
You know, Vicki, I must admit,
at first, I was rather skeptical
about being forced to marry
for political purposes, but,
I'm starting to think it might not be all bad.
Oh, you're sweet!
No. It is fun to think that, in three hours,
we're gonna be standing at the altar together.
I know! And, in four hours,
we'll be eating our wedding cake.
Yes! I love cake.
And then, of course, in 12 hours,
we'll be in our carriage,
riding back to Valdrogia.
Yes. I suppose we will.
And, in a week, we'll have our coronation.
In a month, you'll begin waging wars.
In a year, I'll give birth to our first heir,
and then our second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth,
and then, my womb will explode.
We'll both become addicted to opium
and you'll be assassinated
by your most trusted advisor.
Huh. Yes.
Yeah. I suppose it will all
just play out like clockwork.
Oh, by the way, this is for you.
It's a wedding crown
and the cool thing about it is
it doubles as a gravestone,
so, when you die, you can just pop it
right onto your coffin.
Oh, wow!
Yeah. Oh, Chauncley.
I feel like us meeting was destiny.
Turtles!
? So, the pretty bird flies away ?
? And the pig boy gets to stay ?
? But they'll always have each other ?
? For the rest of their days ?
The end.
Mikey!
That was a beautiful farewell song.
Thank you.
- I love you so much! - I love you!
Write me a letter when you get there.
- I wanna know that you made it. - I will.
Guess Dad's not coming, huh?
He really doesn't want you to go, Al.
I know, but, I can't spend the rest of my life
doing only what Dad wants.
Get up there, son.
Yes, Dad. Whatever you want.
Hello, friends and family from near and far.
Thank you so much for joining us on this beautiful day.
Now, the bride and groom have decided
to do something very special.
Rather than say traditional vows,
they've decided to have their vows
written for them by their parents.
"We promise, from this day forward,
to be their obedient tools,
doing anything they ask of us without question,
never thinking of our own feelings,
and forgetting all previous love interests forever."
Do you, Princess Vicki, so swear?
I do.
And do you, Prince Chauncley,
swear the same?
Go on, son.
For once in your life, make me proud.
I...
I do.
Not! No!
I don't! I do not!
Oh!
You [BLEEP] suck!
Well, I'm sorry, but this... this...
this is not the life I want.
You're a prince!
What kind of life would you have?!
I don't know! But, whatever it is,
I have to figure it out for myself.
I have to make my own destiny,
to choose how I live and who I love.
I'm sorry, Vicki, but it... it's nothing personal.
- I hope you understand. - Of course.
I-I completely get it.
I-It's... It's just, honestly,
I think it's really mature of you.
You gotta know you
before you commit to someone else
and, even though this didn't work out,
I'd love to stay friends.
Thank you. Yes. That... That would be great.
I'd love that.
There's just one thing, though.
Now that our treaty has been broken,
we do, unfortunately,
have to slaughter your whole kingdom.
Oh.
Call forth the blood warriors!
Yahoo!
Oh, great!
So, first thing we do when we get to Paris,
boat tour of the Seine.
And then, we hit up the mausoleums
and go dancing.
Yeah. That all sounds good.
Is everything all right, babe?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Totally.
Do we have any more wine?
Yeah.
Ew! What is that thing?
It's my old doll.
It must've gotten mixed in with my stuff
when I was packing.
It looks diseased.
Yeah. I told my dad to burn it, but,
I guess he couldn't bear to get rid of it.
Why not?
When I was little,
he used to make Mr. Potato say
this stupid magic spell
that was supposed to keep me safe.
It was just... It was a dumb little-kid thing.
Greeble, grabble, snubble, snau,
baggle, wag, kablevver.
These magic words protect you now
and always will, forever.
Cool story, babe.
Ready to burn?
Toss it in.
What's that?
Valdrogian war horns.
I'll see if I can decipher what they're saying.
Oh. I hope everything's okay.
I'm sure it'll be fine.
Okay. Uh,
"Begin...
full-scale attack
on Lower Murk...
...ford.
- Oh, my god! - N-No, no, no!
It... It... I mean, it might be all right.
Um, look. It says here that,
when the Valdrogians massacre a town,
they often keep one person alive
to tell the tale, you know,
to serve as a living horror story.
I mean, that might be your dad, or your brother.
Although, not both, I guess.
We have to go back.
Wh... Al, listen.
If we go back, we'll be killed, too.
Yeah. I have to make sure my family's safe!
It's suicide. I'm... I'm not going.
Well, then I'll go alone.
Please don't do this. Think about all
you're throwing away.
You weren't meant to die in Lower Murkford.
You know that.
You've always known it.
Goodbye, Archie.
You'll never get to Paris without me.
I'll find my own way.
You know what? I knew this would happen.
It's like the saying goes,
"You can take the girl out of Lower Murkford,
but you can't take the Lower Murkford
out of the girl."
- What's that supposed to mean? - I thought you were different
from all those idiots! back there,
but, I guess I was wrong about you.
Guess I was wrong about you, too!
Why does every chick I date
turn out to be a [BLEEP] psycho?!
My mum was right!
There can only be one star in a relationship!
I can't believe I spoke up against my father
and went against his wishes like that!
I must say, it was very brave of me.
Yeah. Sure, buddy. It was super brave.
Excuse me.
Aaaaah!
Ahhhh!
And now, for the rest of her life,
she's gonna think of me as this crazy nut job.
Oh, come on, Dad. That's not true.
I just wish I could apologize.
It's too late.
I'm never gonna see her again
in my entire life.
Dad!
Al!
Oh, my god!
Oh.
- Al! - Mikey!
Ah. Sweetheart, I'm so sorry
I didn't show up to say goodbye,
and then that thing with the wagon.
I was just so scared of losing you,
I-I kinda lost my mind.
It's okay. I love you, Dad.
I love you, too.
Oh, everything's all right now.
Hear ye! Hear ye!
I'm the town crier!
And this just in:
We're all gonna die.
_
credits