No, no. It makes no sense
for you to run the meeting
when the former manager is here.
I can do this from muscle memory.
What are you talking about?
Your body has literally no muscle.
- Now give me the clipboard. - No.
- Give it to me! - No.
- Glenn, come on. - I will not.
- I order you to give to me. - You order me?
- Yes, I do... - Sorry.
- Sorry I'm late. - I don't take orders from you!
Um, no problem.
Just was running the meeting for you...
We covered a lot of ground.
Parker's day care closed at the last minute.
- Some kid had lice. - Logan. Surprise, surprise.
So now Parker is here. With his wet face, great.
Well, I mean, I didn't know what else to do.
My parents are out of town, and Eric's working,
and Adam's at a convention learning how to do beekeeping.
Oh, if he wants bees, I still got a ton in my car.
Okay, so, uh, St. Patrick's Day. Right.
Today we have a new "Follow the Rainbow to Savings" initiative.
Customers will follow the clouds with rainbows
to find coupons.
Oh, my God, he's so cute. My ovaries are exploding.
It's like, scrambled eggs, anyone?
- Oh, gross. - Disgusting.
So Sarah, can you stock the...
Is it okay to hold him like that?
He seems uncomfortable.
No, he's totally fine.
And this is a very standard way to hold a child.
Maybe he's afraid of heights. Put him on the floor.
You guys, he's good. I promise.
Okay, Cheyenne, Sandra, you're serving
our St. Patrick's Day specialty snacks...
Amy, sorry to interrupt,
but I think some pooping is happening your way.
Yeah, I know. I'll change him soon.
Oh, okay.
We're just supposed to ignore the human feces in the room.
She wants him to sit in it. Teach him a lesson.
No, I'm just trying to get through this.
All right, all right. Come here, little buddy.
- I got you. - Oh, my God.
Jonah's holding Amy's baby like it's his baby.
I live with him, Sandra. I hold him every day.
I'm literally screaming right now.
Synced and corrected by hawken45 for www.addic7ed.com
Like, I get the concept of babies.
I'm not even saying don't have babies.
Like, have babies.
But do I have to see the babies?
Mateo, could you give me a hand?
It's a dating thing, and you're the only person here
in a functional relationship.
Justine, I'm gonna stop you right there.
Just because you send money to a man in Ghana
does not make him your boyfriend.
Relationship status...
"it's complicated."
- It's really not. - Yeah, I'll help.
Anything to keep looking busy.
Otherwise Amy's gonna ask me to walk her baby or whatever.
- So you're dating someone? - Yup.
Dr. Brian Patterson. It's been a couple weeks.
I just... I really think this could be something.
Not the normal cold, anonymous sex I'm used to.
No offense, Garrett.
Ah, well, we were literally wearing name tags,
but generally speaking, yes.
So it's his birthday,
and I wanna give him a picture of the two of us together,
but we haven't really had any taken yet,
so I thought maybe you could Photoshop something.
I have his picture.
Did you steal his license?
Uh, yeah, you can't ask to borrow someone's license.
They'll think you're a freak.
I can whip something up.
He's cute. Ooh, 6'1".
Mm-hmm, and his proportions are a dream.
Nipples exactly where you want 'em.
Mm.
Can you turn that for Mama?
Just in case this isn't what you wanted to do
for the next 10 minutes, you want me to take him?
Yes, that would be great. Thank you... just be careful.
All he wants to do is open your eyelid
and scream into it right now.
Uh, never mind. Go... go deal with that.
Oh, sir. Sir, it's just the coupons.
We didn't hide anything in the products.
Oh, yeah? Then what's this?
- The prizes are in the cereal! - No, it's...
No, that's just... have you not had cereal before?
The glitter was my idea.
Makes it look more magical, right?
Is that edible glitter?
I mean, technically all glitter is edible.
It's really small.
Oh, okay.
Hey, wasn't Jonah cute holding Parker?
I guess.
I just meant he looked like a really good dad.
- Oh. - Oh, my God.
Wouldn't it be crazy if Jonah actually was Parker's dad?
Yeah, that'd be wild.
But Amy was already pregnant when she and Jonah had sex.
Unless she just thought she was pregnant.
It could've been a false positive.
Oh, yeah.
There was this girl in my class who thought she was pregnant,
and then she went away for a few months.
And when she came back,
it turned out that her mom had a miracle baby,
like, way late in life.
Uh-huh.
Happy St. Patrick's Day, shoppers.
Corned beef and cabbage are 20% off.
If you're dying to impress your friends with wet meat,
now's the time.
Whoa, whoa, whoa... hold on. What is this?
It's for Brian. Mateo nailed it.
Don't you think that this is a little... big
for a first birthday together?
Well, it needs to be big in order to secure the balloons.
16, one for every day we've known each other.
Or maybe since you just started dating,
you could go with something like, and I'm being crazy here,
but something like a card?
A card?
He's not in the hospital, Garrett.
Yeah, thanks a lot. I...
I know what's happening.
He's trying to give me bad advice
because he wants to sabotage my relationship with Brian.
You still want me. You poor bastard.
No, I just think that this is a lot
for any human man to take.
Oh, Garrett, let it go. It's over, okay?
There are women on the internet.
Dozens of them.
Hey, Amy.
I saw you were having a little bit of trouble,
so I thought it might help
if Jerusha came in to watch Parker.
Oh, my God. That would be amazing.
- Thank you so much. - It's really no problem.
We were just picking up some T-shirts at Cracker Barrel.
But we're happy to have a little playdate with this guy.
- Yes, that's so fun. - Yeah.
You go back to being big boss lady.
Full-time mom is on the case.
Well, yeah, I mean, I am also a full-time mom.
Yeah, but Jerusha's a super mom.
Saving babies in need.
Well, I mean, "saving" is a little strong.
And "in need," but... but thank you.
And now other super mom is gonna go check the inventory!
? Bah-bum ?
Okay. Bye, Parker.
What was that?
I don't know what she was doing.
Look at her grip that block. Confidence of a gladiator.
It's impressive my amniotic fluid
managed to offset all that Sturgis DNA.
Well, you watch her pinken in the sun
and tell me that she's not full Sturgis.
Okay, um, here is Parker's diaper bag.
There are some fruit squeezies there if he gets hungry.
Oh, that's okay.
I can just give him some of Rose's fruit mash.
It's homemade.
Jerusha makes all of Rose's food.
She's never even tasted sugar.
Rose, I mean. Jerusha's tasted sugar.
Don't care for it. I'm a baking soda gal.
Well, I mean, they are organic.
There's, like, four ingredients, so...
I make mine with a very special ingredient.
Do you know what that ingredient is?
- I think I can guess. - Is it palm oil?
Because it's destroying our rain forests.
It's love. Isn't that cute?
So cute, yeah.
Um, so anyway, thanks again, Jerusha.
- Lifesaver. - My pleasure.
You know, it might be nice for Parker to get some
one-on-one attention instead of being lost in the crowd
- at day care. - Yeah.
Oh, well, I mean, there's, like, seven kids there.
It's a really good ratio.
Yeah, but her ratio's one-to-one.
So that's seven times better. That's just math.
Well, Parker loves day care.
He loves it so much that sometimes I come to pick him up
to take him home, and he starts crying.
Ooh.
Not because he doesn't want to go home.
He's very happy... at home and at daycare.
- He's happy. - Oh, yeah.
No, we think Parker's doing great under the circumstances.
I mean, you should be proud of him.
I am. I'm very proud of him.
He's doing great. He's bright and he's curious...
Is this a dog toy?
No. What? It's a... it's a squirrel.
That squeaks. That's what squirrels do.
Do they?
I don't know, Dina. I didn't make the toy.
I make all of Rose's toys.
Yeah. Okay.
It says "anticonvulsants can cause a false positive"
in a pregnancy test."
- Maybe Amy was taking those. - She must have been.
I've never seen her convulse, like, ever.
But wait, she also looked really pregnant.
Right.
But maybe, she was faking it.
So Adam would think it's his
and have to pay them child support.
That's smart. Get that beekeeping money.
You know how I'm producing Brian's birthday?
I'm trying to get a tribute band, and I need your opinion.
I found this live-action version of the Beastie Boys...
The Beastie-Boys were live-action.
Wait, so it wasn't a cartoon
where every beast played a different instrument?
- Well, I like my version better. - Look, man.
Dina's plan, it's insane, right?
Oh, yeah, it's off the rails,
but I'm not gonna tell her that.
It's Dina.
She doesn't respond well to outside input.
She's like Tyler Perry.
All right, well, she's gonna scare this guy off.
I know, it's crazy. Someone should stop her.
Besides us, I mean.
- Who do they think they are? - Yes, exactly, thank you.
Ugh, "made with love."
Yeah, I bought those fruit squeezies with love.
They're in the expensive part of the store
with the beeswax candles.
She's home all day.
She has nothing but time to cut up fruit.
Hell, she could even macerate them.
Maybe chiffonade a little mint on top.
Yeah, she could totally do whatever you just said.
You are an amazing mom. Parker is an awesome kid.
And if I'm being honest, Rose has kind of a weird smell.
- Oh, my God, she totally does. - Yeah.
She kind of smells like,
and I don't even know what I mean by this,
a parlor.
Yes, like a parlor.
In a house. Where people gather.
Yes.
Hey, Justine,
that erotic bakery you used for your birthday,
are they open to putting non-nudes on a cake?
Ooh, I don't know. Probably not.
It's a religious thing for them.
Got it. I'll keep looking.
I'm getting Brian a birthday cake
with a bunch of his baby pictures on it.
Okay, hold on. I thought you just had his driver license photo.
Yeah, but it'll be easy to get baby photos
now that I tracked down his mom.
- His mom? - Yeah.
Yes, Garrett, we found Brian's mother on Instagram.
Yup, there's a lot of Sue Pattersons out there,
but if you devote an hour to it,
eventually you'll find the right one.
- Right, Mateo? - Hour and a half.
Okay, this has gotta stop.
Sorry I'm being so insensitive.
Here I am talking about my incredible relationship
when clearly, Garrett wants me back.
And me front.
A little St. Patrick's Day humor there for you.
Okay, you know what, Dina? I'm gonna say this as a friend.
But you are coming on way too strong,
so strong that it's terrifying.
Your actions are gonna haunt this man until the day he dies.
And I'm not the only one who thinks it.
Everybody else does too.
They're just too chicken to say it.
But I'm not 'cause I'm your friend.
Is that how you both feel as well?
Um, maybe?
Yeah, when you add everything up,
I could see how it could tip towards crazy.
Hmm.
Well, as your friend, I'd like you all to know
your faces look like butts.
Wow.
Hey, guys, Rose just sang a song.
Yeah, she's making up tunes all the time.
I forget that most kids don't do that.
But maybe it's 'cause she's home with Jerusha all day.
You know, who's practically a walking glockenspiel.
Parker has some tricks up his sleeve too.
Jonah, do the... do the high five.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, watch this.
High five.
Look, they have the same hands.
High five.
High five, buddy.
Just hold on. He'll do it.
It's really cute.
Jonah, do it like you do it at home.
- Yeah, I am... - No, no, but do the voice.
Well, I'm in front of a bunch of people,
so I'm not gonna do the voice.
- I should get back to work. - Yeah, me too.
Guys, you're not paramedics. Your work can wait.
Just... come on, Jonah. Please do the voice.
Hey, Parker, high five.
High five.
No, you're still not doing it right.
This is how I do it. High five.
Oh, that... that, that was it.
Wow. Great.
And you've taken him to a doctor, and he's doing fine?
No, he's doing fine. He's doing great.
Yeah.
- Good job, Parker. - No, no, that wasn't it.
You guys, don't clap for that.
Oh, cool. My dog has the same toy.
What? No, it's not...
it's not a dog toy. I got it here in the store.
- In toys? - No, in clearance, but it's...
Oh, yeah, that is a dog toy.
- Potty. - Oh.
Well, I heard that. Okay, sweetie, let's go.
- Did she say "potty"? - Yay!
She's potty-trained at 16 months?
Yeah, but don't put that kind of pressure on Parker, okay?
'Cause he's got enough to deal with.
Let's go.
Up, boy. Up.
He's not a dog!
Maybe they're right. Maybe if I was home all day,
Parker would be peeing in a toilet
and playing with human toys.
Stop it. You're a great mom.
And plus, I mean,
do we even know that Rose is potty-trained?
What?
She says potty, and Glenn takes her away.
We don't know what happens in that bathroom.
Do you think he's lying?
Glenn's been rubbing Rose in our face all day.
Think about it. He took a demotion just to be with her.
He's very invested.
Yeah, I mean, for all we know,
it could be, like, diaper city in there.
Do you want me to go check?
No, come on. That would be crazy.
I mean, I do kind of have to go.
Well, if you're gonna go anyway, then yeah, sure.
You should...
? The wicked little children went down to the beach ?
? Learning all the naughty lessons ?
? The people there do teach ?
? We'll learn about murder ?
? While playing in the sand ?
? And we'll learn about the lying ?
? While skipping across the land ?
Good job, Rose.
What the...
Oh, my God.
- Jonah? - Ow, my eye.
Jonah, ouchie.
Whoa, you're destroying it? You don't need to do that.
Ah, you were right.
It was a stupid idea with stupid photos.
I'm... I'm not very good at this.
I think I'm just gonna call the whole thing off.
Oh, don't do that.
I mean, I'm sure he wants to see you on his birthday.
No, he'll see me around. We shop for the same things.
- Food, soap, stamps. - What has gotten into you?
You're acting like you've never dated someone before.
Well, I haven't. Not someone I wanted to stick around.
And it's his birthday, and all I have left to give him is
a piņata full of condoms, and now I'm even questioning that.
Oh, okay, well, yeah. Don't... do not give him that.
- See? - Okay, just keep it simple.
Take him out to a nice dinner.
I don't even know what a nice dinner is.
Is it a hot soup followed by a cold soup?
Is it a place that gives you bread?
Is it a place that wants you to bring your own bread?
What are you talking about? You've had dinner before.
- Not as a girlfriend! - It's very similar!
I am so sorry, Jonah.
I... I have no idea how this happened.
It's fine.
People get hit by doors all the time.
- It's very common. - Can I get you more water?
Starve a fever, hydrate a black eye.
Sure. Thank you.
Why were you standing so close to the door?
Were you, like, spying on Glenn?
No, of course I wasn't... no, I was checking on something.
On what?
I was just taking Rose to go potty.
- Allegedly. - "Allegedly"?
I mean, I just wanted to see
if Rose actually was potty-trained.
Why would you think he was lying?
It's just... it's very advanced for a child Rose's age.
Oh, well, Rose is advanced.
You see, when you have a full-time mom at home...
Stop saying that. All moms are full-time moms.
Like when I'm here, Emma's still texting me,
telling me she's gonna die without Rebo.
I don't know what Rebo is.
Now I have to go online and find out.
Is it an app? Is it a shoe? Is it a boy?
Amy, you work full-time. You're doing the best you can.
And it'll be good for Parker
to have to overcome some disadvantages.
Like Oscar the Grouch grew up in a garbage can,
but he's still on Sesame Street just like all
those other puppets who are friendly and clean.
I'm sorry, are you calling my child
a disadvantaged, filthy Muppet?
No apologies, Amy.
You are a boss bitch, and your career is your baby.
No. My baby is my baby.
Hey, Parker's fine, okay? We're not neglecting him.
Every night, we give him a bath, we read him stories,
we sing him to sleep in his crib...
- Wait, he sleeps in a crib? - Where else would he sleep?
Rose sleeps with us.
That's why we got a California full.
So it's like all three of you in there together?
Like some kind of sexless, Midwestern pot pie?
- Uh-huh. - Actually, people now think
that bed-sharing makes it harder for kids
to learn how to sleep on their own.
Well, Petey sleeps in bed with me every night.
Mama's a pushover.
Oh, for God sake, Justine, a dog is not a child.
Yes, it's cute, and it drools,
and you have to feed it and teach it things, but...
There are some differences.
Yeah, Petey can high five.
? Hey Mr. Burr, that really smarts ?
? Why'd you go and shoot me in the heart ?
So that was "Hamilton," you guys.
I never saw the show,
but I overheard people talking about it at the yarn store.
So we bullied Rose out of diapers?
All I'm saying is that maybe instead of forcing your child
into something new, let them tell you when they're ready.
It's like Parker and his pacifier.
- He still uses a pacifier? - Mm-hmm.
So you're not worried about dental problems,
speech delays, looking lame.
No, he'll give it up when he's ready.
Yeah... well, yeah.
We decided to let him keep it
even though those are all valid points.
Well, I thought we were on the same page about this.
Are you the one taking his pacifiers?
I was gonna give them back when he learned moderation.
I let Emma give it up when she was ready.
I think this might be a point in Jonah's column.
Yeah, Emma's nice, but she doesn't really pop.
This isn't about Emma.
This is about Parker and Rose,
and how to decide which one's better.
- What... no. - Not what this is about.
What if they had a competition?
Oh, yes. Like an obstacle course.
- Petey does those. - They're not dogs.
Different Petey. Petey the person.
Hold on. I have to say as a mom,
I think that putting babies in an obstacle course
sounds pretty hilarious.
We're not putting our babies through an obstacle course.
Yeah, besides, it's not fair
to make Parker prove himself against Rose.
- Excuse me? - Hmm?
You don't think Parker could beat Rose?
Parker would destroy Rose in an obstacle course.
Okay.
Uh, yeah, he would
because he spends all day at a day care center
running around with other kids
while poor, little Rosie sits at home with an old schoolmarm.
- What did you just say? - You heard her.
Or is your hearing starting to go?
- A little. But it is on, Buster Brown. - Great.
Mateo, set up the obstacle course.
And just to be clear,
I really appreciate Jerusha watching Parker.
No problem! She loves it.
Behold, the Baby Dome!
Two babies enter, one baby leaves.
And then the other baby leaves too.
Yeah, it's very safe.
You get him, Rose. No mercy.
- Is this okay? - Yeah.
Yeah, it's just a little friendly competition.
Hey, buddy, do you remember when your blankie flew out
of the car window and you went nuts?
That energy. Find it.
Do you see Jonah's eyes right now?
He's, like, full-on crazy.
I know. It's so sweet.
All right. Babies at their mark!
Okay.
Ready, set, throw down!
Okay, Parker, here you go. Don't worry about Rose.
You just focus on your game.
Come on, Parker! Eat her alive!
Well, this is a nothing burger.
Yup.
I'm not mad. Just disappointed.
We'll talk about it in bed tonight.
Make a reservation at Ramona's.
You like that neighborhood, right?
Of course. It's full of Lithuanians.
- They can't get enough of me. - Okay.
So we've got Ramona's, axe throwing,
and vegan frozen yogurt.
Yeah, but do you think frozen yogurt is a little too
"sorry kids, Grandma's dead"?
What? No, frozen yogurt is fun.
You're in charge of your own destiny.
You could mix grapefruit with espresso.
Yeah, but I don't think anyone should have that much power.
That's part of the excitement.
Okay, frozen yogurt it is.
Well, we planned one hell of a date.
Game over. Nobody does it better.
Okay, I gotta get going.
Yeah. Where... where are you headed?
I gotta get ready. Brian's off work in an hour.
Oh, yeah. Great... yeah, of course.
Yeah, you gotta get going.
- Yeah, well thanks, buddy. - Mm-hmm.
Anytime.
You were kind of going wild back there.
Oh, only me?
A little nervous about how you're gonna be
once he starts playing football.
Oh, he won't be playing sports.
Really, 'cause Adam was a football player.
Yeah, but I've been dosing him on two hours of NPR daily,
so the closest he's coming to sports is maybe marching band.
But if he's gonna be running away from bullies anyway,
maybe he joins track too?
Can you run? Are you a runner?
Don't get up. You're obviously very busy.
You know, mopping up glitter vomit
isn't as bad as regular vomit.
It makes me feel like I'm cleaning up
after a wasted unicorn.
Yeah, yeah.
- So I got it. - What?
Jonah's DNA.
- You took that from Jonah? - Yeah.
And I found one of Parker's pacifiers.
So now we just send them to the lab with $200
and then wait for the results.
Yeah, you know, I don't wanna do that, no offense.
It just crosses so many lines and is, like, super crazy.
Oh. Yeah.
I hadn't thought about the lines.
So, um...
Could you, like, not tell Jonah and Amy about this?
Oh, sorry, but I kind of just think I'm gonna.
Of course. Yeah, totally get it.
credits