Previously on Mom...
I just got a text from my son.
He hasn't spoken to me in years.
I chose booze over my own son.
- Marjorie would love to babysit. - Well, that's too bad.
She's made her choices, and I've made mine.
Jerry decided that he wants his daughter
to have a relationship with her grandma.
_
- Hey. - Hey.
Your husband's a dick.
Fine. And you?
Out of nowhere, Adam said
I'm not allowed in his office anymore.
Well, he is a little funny about his privacy.
You know I'm not allowed in his jacket pockets?
We're married, and I can't have a Tic Tac?
Hmm. Or a twenty.
I've worked at the bar for over a year.
Obviously, it's 'cause I'm an ex-con.
You want me to talk to him for you?
I'll probably forget, but I'm happy to offer.
I'm just gonna act like I'm over it,
and really resent him behind his back.
- That's what I do. - Mm.
Thank you, Ginny. This is perfect.
What's with the baby bouncer?
Is Majorie treating her cats like people again?
I mean, the stroller was embarrassing enough.
She's babysitting her granddaughter tomorrow.
That's huge!
How come nobody told me?
She did tell you. She told all of us.
Yeah, we talked about it for most of lunch the other day.
Well, I must've been in the bathroom.
No, you were there, and engaged in the conversation.
- Really? - Yeah, you told her you didn't think
she was ready for it.
Then you ate my fries, and told Wendy
her blouse was sadder than The Notebook.
Oh. That sounds like me.
Look what Ginny lent me.
I know, because you're babysitting
your granddaughter tomorrow. I remember.
How? You weren't even at lunch when I told everybody.
You are both mean.
Ooh. I had so much fun messing with her head.
Can we make that a new thing?
Let's make that our new thing.
Oh, you don't have much going on, do you?
- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --
Okay, uh, we both have our cell phones,
but just in case, I'm sending you the numbers to the church,
the reception hall and the bride and groom.
Please don't call the bride and groom.
I won't.
Don't worry. Sophia and I are gonna be fine.
- Hear that? Let's go. - I just...
I want to cover everything in the diaper bag.
Let's go. I haven't had a drink in 17 months.
If we're bragging, I haven't had one in 38 years.
Should we leave her the car seat?
Actually, I bought one.
- Oh, all right. - Uh, well, then let me double-check it
'cause 74% of car seats are installed wrong.
I had it installed at the fire station.
We didn't even do that.
Thank you, Marjorie.
Mm-hmm.
Goodbye, smushie. I love you so much.
Jerry, get in the car.
Okay.
Have a nice time.
Okay.
You and Grandma are gonna have fun today.
Let me show you around my house.
Okay, this is the kitchen,
and this is the living room.
And that's cat barf I just stepped in.
Oh, which one of you did this?
We're gonna have to interrogate the cats.
Thank you so much.
I've never seen Boz Scaggs this sick.
All right, so, Dr. Feeny doesn't work on the weekends, so,
if they say that it's his liver, it's not.
Those enzymes are always elevated.
And if they try to give him amoxicillin, that is a big "no."
- Marjorie? - Mm. You're right.
You can handle it.
Actually, I was gonna say I can't handle it.
How about I stay here with the baby,
and you take the cat to the vet?
No. This is the first time my son is leaving her with me,
- and if anything happened... - Hey.
I kept two kids alive.
They're not really talking to me, but they're alive.
Okay.
Mm-hmm. Okay.
I'll be right back.
Call me if you need me.
Oh, oh, oh, I'm blocking you in.
Here. Oh, just take my car.
Oh.
You know we'll never be able to do that again.
Why would we need to?
Bye, Sophia.
Hi.
My name is Christy, and I'm an alcoholic
and a gambler and a natural blonde.
Two truths and a lie.
Oh, wait, wait, wait. Have you seen this one?
Wait. Where'd I go?
Here I am!
Oh. Oh, no, no. Don't-don't worry. I'm not sick.
I'm just very allergic to kittens, and like a silly willy,
I forgot to bring my medication.
Oh. Mm.
Oh, you like that?
Yeah.
Ooh. Wait.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Ah.
Uh-oh. All gone.
Oh, no. No, don't cry. Don't cry.
There's another box.
No, there isn't.
Uh, um... Ah!
Ha. We'll start over.
Mm. Yeah.
Ooh. Ah.
Come on. It's the same thing we've been doing for an hour.
Or ten minutes. Oh, my God.
Ugh. Ah.
All right, I got what I need.
Ah. Oh, look. It's our favorite game.
Ah.
Oh, no. That's my mean law school professor.
Well, they're all mean, but she makes the boys cry.
Let's pretend to look at the stool softener.
Mm-hmm. Excuse me.
Aren't you in my administrative law class?
Ah.
Professor Winslow, I-I didn't see you.
Yes.
You look awful.
Thank you.
I didn't realize you had a baby.
If I'd done law school with a baby, I'd be dead.
Oh, well, no, she's not...
Well...
it is hard.
So this... is why
you're always late and distracted and unprepared?
That's what you get for trying to have it all.
Well, I didn't realize what you were dealing with.
But I'm gonna be more patient with your mommy
now that I realize why she's such a mess.
Hang in there.
I will!
Where was this treatment when I got pregnant in high school?
Got your text. What's going on?
I thought I was having an allergy attack,
but I think I'm coming down with something.
You can't catch anything from a cat, right?
What were you doing with it?
Just take over with the baby. All right.
All right, step aside.
Let me show you how this is done.
40 years late, but okay.
Hey, I did something
morally questionable.
Is this about the cat again?
I ran into my professor at the pharmacy
and let her believe Sophia's my baby,
and now she thinks I have a super hard life,
and she's gonna give me special treatment.
Hit me with the morally questionable part.
That's it. I lied to her.
First of all, that sounds like a lie of omission,
and nobody counts those.
But more importantly, your life is hard.
Yeah, but I don't have a baby.
So your life is hard in different ways.
You've got, like, 27 addictions and 12 jobs.
Okay, it's only two addictions.
That we know about.
Honey, your life is a crapfest
wrapped in a nightmare on top of a dumpster fire.
Great. Now I'm sick and sad.
Marjorie has my car. Give me your keys.
Don't wreck my car.
Don't leave her in a basket at the laundromat.
Oh, come on! Aren't we laughing about that yet?
We are not.
We can laugh about it.
Okay, we've been through all your grandma's
drawers and closets,
so we're officially out of things to do.
Mm.
By the way, women's underpants don't all look like that.
But if you're curious about how people dressed
in pioneer days, you're welcome.
? Ooh, do-do-do, doo-Dee, boo. ?
What to do?
See, this is what we needed.
A little fresh air, change of scenery.
Ah, look!
I got hammered at that winery.
And that one.
Ooh, did coke behind that one with a gentleman in long boots.
Don't look at me with that judgy face.
Damn, it's so adorable. Hmm.
I should have spent more time looking at Christy's face
when she was a baby.
I bet it was cute.
Ah, gettin' sad.
Let's crank some tunes.
Ooh! ? Do the conga ?
? No, you can't control your body any longer ?
? Hoop-ah, ta-ta, ta-ta, da-da, bah-boo ?
? Bah, Dee-Dee-Dee, do the bomba ?
Yeah! Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. Oh!
Oh! Aw, damn!
Oh.
You feel like helping me change a tire?
Don't pretend to be asleep.
Are you kidding me?
Great, Marjorie, no spare tire,
but you got an emergency Christmas sweater.
Oh, no.
No, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh.
Sophia?
See the little button?
Open the door.
Do you know "open"?
Waah!
Oh. Don't laugh at me.
I'm trying to help you.
Oh, no. Oh, my God, I'm failing another baby.
Okay, don't panic.
Just think. Just think.
Bad idea.
Look at me know it's a bad idea before I did it.
Okay.
Oh.
Don't worry.
Aunt Bonnie knows how to break into cars.
Stop with the judgy face.
Better.
Yes!
Here's Bonnie!
Hey.
Ooh.
Hold on.
I... am...
amazing!
And stuck in a trunk.
? Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream ?
? Merrily, merrily, merri... ?
How the hell did you manage this?
Why do you assume it was my fault?
Isn't this more fun than waiting back there for a tow truck?
You are gonna love Bugs Bunny.
I used to watch it all the time when I was a kid.
And sometimes in college when I was hi...
hey, baby.
Huh.
I don't remember them shooting each other in the face so much.
Oh, my God. He just picked his mouth up off the floor
and stuck it back on.
I'm just gonna turn this off.
You are so sweet.
And your skin is flawless.
Do you have a specific routine,
or is it just not having been on Earth very long?
You're right. A lady never tells.
Oh, I want one of you so bad.
Hey, ladies.
Oh, Jill, you didn't steal a baby.
It's Marjorie's granddaughter,
but I'm kind of pretending like she's mine.
Ooh, it's cold in here. Could you hold her for a second
while I grab her hat?
Ugh, no. Not a fan.
- You're a nurse. - Of adults.
What is the matter with you?
Babies are the most precious things in the world.
And I am never gonna have one.
Oh, you don't know that.
It's starting to feel that way.
And I've been doing my best to put on a brave face,
but then this little bundle of joy lands in my lap,
and I can't hold it together anymore.
Can somebody please take the baby so I could get her hat!
- You do it. - I don't know,
I'm not really into babies.
Look at the baby!
You don't think she smells weird?
I know I'm supposed to trust that my higher power has a plan,
but... I'm not really interested
if that plan doesn't include me being a mother.
Aw.
See?
Adults I'm good with.
Here. I'll take her outside.
No, you need to be here more than me.
I was just gonna bitch about Adam. You're having a breakdown.
But she could still be my baby for a few more hours.
Ooh. Yikes. Listen. Wendy, you start the meeting.
- I'm gonna take her back to Marjorie's. - Okay.
Ugh. The little hands.
Look at you so tiny.
Just starting out.
Good news... it's a great time to be a woman.
You can be fierce now.
You don't have to take C-R-A-P from anybody.
You can speak your mind.
You can tell a guy when he's being a D-I-C-K.
Know what? We're gonna make one stop.
- I quit. - What?
Whose baby is that?
Don't change the subject. I can't work for someone
who doesn't trust me.
Who doesn't trust you? Whose baby is that?
You don't trust me. You banned me from your office.
I mean, I get it. Don't trust the ex-con.
We don't deserve a second chance.
Why let us out at all?
Okay, here's a little something I learned at home.
Do you need a meeting?
Oh, 'cause I'm feeling my feelings?
Tammy, I told everyone to stay out of my office.
- You did? - Yeah.
- Why? - 'Cause I don't trust Joe yet,
and I didn't want to single him out.
Oh, yeah, Joe's super creepy.
Why'd you hire him in the first place?
'Cause he's an ex-con, and I'm trying to give him a break.
Oh. Well, I feel a little foolish.
Do you want to un-quit?
Yes, please. And now that I'm back,
can I get some free employee wings?
Hello, baby.
Never mind. We're leaving.
Well... whose baby is that?
We're home.
Christy?
Sophia?
Christy?
Hello?
Where are you?
I don't know.
Where is Sophia?
She's with my mom at your house.
I'm at my house. No one's here.
Hold on. I'll-I'll conference her in.
- Go for Bonnie. - Where are you?
I'm on the side of the road
watching Arlo change a tire.
- What? - What?
- Where is the baby? - Hey, Marjorie.
She's at your house with Jill.
I'm at my house. There's no one here.
Let me conference her in.
Hello?
- Where are you? - Oh. Leaving a meeting.
Where is my granddaughter?
Well, Tammy brought her back to your house,
because I was having a bit of a meltdown.
No good comes from babies.
Tammy's not here.
All conference her in.
Hello?
- Where's Sophia? - Where are you? - Where's the baby?
Is this a conference call? I've never been on one of those.
Just tell me where you are.
I'm in your living room.
- No, you aren't! - No, you're not!
Wait. Yes, you are.
Goodbye.
Oh... ah...
There's my beautiful girl!
She prefers "fierce woman."
Also, if you blow on her belly, she giggles.
Then again, who doesn't?
Hi. How was the wedding?
It was great. Where's Sophia?
- Right there. - Hi!
We had the best time!
We danced. People filled my wineglass.
No one bit down on my nipple.
Oh, I'm so glad.
Sophia and I had a wonderful day, too.
You know, I got to admit, I was little nervous about this,
but you really came through.
- You're the best. - Oh.
You really have changed.
That means a lot.
So, um, maybe we can do this again sometime.
- I would love that. - I would love that.
Okay.
Jerry. Wait.
Um...
I didn't exactly do this alone today.
Uh, I had to take a sick cat to the vet,
so I left Sophia with Christy,
and then Christy came down with a cold,
so she gave Sophia to her mom, and...
Basically, everyone on my speed dial
took care of your daughter today.
But I guarantee you
she was safe and loved
the entire time.
Although she did go to a bar
and attend her first AA meeting.
I-I can't believe you told me all that.
Well... it's just, it took so long
to get you back in my life... I want to be completely honest.
I appreciate that.
Okay.
Talk to you later, Mom.
Hello?
He called me Mom.
Oh, my God.
I'll conference everyone in!
- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --