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OK, Mr Ryland. Would you like to take a seat?
Thank you.Just raise the microphone up a little.
Hello, my name's Bill Ryland.
I'm 65 years young
and I'm looking to meet someone special
for long walks, nice chats, cosy nights in,
and sexual intercourse.
I can say that, can't I?
Er, you have to be a woman,
just to make that clear.
I've had quite enough of male company, thank you very much.
Apart from that, I don't have too many requirements,
although I did write a few things down, just to... narrow the search.
No big girls,
no Eastern Europeans, no pensioners,
no loonies, no lefties,
no Liverpudlians and no lady-boys.
Anyone else, feel free to contact me via the website thingy.
So what can I tell you about me?
I was married a few years ago, but my wife passed away, sadly.
And I've found it difficult to be with another woman ever since.
I think about her a lot.
Her name was Doreen.
That sounds like an old woman's name now, but it wasn't then.
She had blonde hair, blue eyes...
She reminded me of Twiggy.
Not the early years when she looked like a fella... '70s Twiggy.
Like in the Marks & Spencer's adverts.
We courted for six months, then we got married...
and then, a little while after the baby come...
..things went downhill.
There were complications, visits to the hospital.
I don't want to dwell on that, but it happened
and it's part of who I am, so you ought to know.
I'm not looking for a medal, I just got through it,
that's the main thing, and now I'm back.
Looking to start a new chapter.
I joined a gym recently,
got myself a personal trainer - Nooh.
He's Muslim, , but we have a laugh about it.
We were just finishing Seniorcise and he says to me,
"You got any plans for the weekend, Bill?"
And I said "No, not really, no,
"but I might have a run out to the RAF Museum in Hendon."
He says "Oh, I've never heard of that."
Well, 45 minutes later, we're still stood there talking about it,
and he chimes in, "Bill, Bill, let me stop you there.
"You need to get yourself a lady-friend.
"Someone to look after you and listen to all your stories."
I said, "Where am I gonna meet anyone? I'm not going on Twinder."
And he says, "Bill, you're in luck,"
and he's heading back into the locker room at this point.
He says, "Video dating's coming back, like in the '80s.
"I'll write all the links down for you, it's dead easy.
"All you've got to do is keep it brief."
So here I am.
Like I say, looking to turn a new leaf.
So why not contact me?
Please.
Was that longer than 30 seconds?
We had some good news this week.
Kelly's best friend, Sophie, who she goes to school with,
well, her parents are both really well-educated,
really attractive and really sociable...
..and they're getting divorced.
I said to Tim, "You'll never guess what -
"the Smugs are splitting up!"
He said, "Oh, my God, that's brilliant news!" And he gave me a hug.
We actually high-fived in the kitchen.
They'd invited us to a dinner party last year.
She said, "Text me any Saturday that works for you "between now and Easter."
This was in November.
Tim said, "Oh, tell them to fuck off,"
but I said we couldn't, you know.
I wanted to do it for Kelly's sake.
And she said, "Mum, you can't just air them forever."
I said, "What does that mean?"
You air clothes or bedsheets, you don't air people!
It means blanking someone, apparently. Anyway, we went.
Their house was like a show-home, of course.
Not a thing out of place. I mean, not like ours.
Ours is all wonky pictures and muddy shoes
and crap on every surface.
I said to Tim, "I know where I'd rather live.
"Our house may be chaotic...
"..but at least we're living in the real world."
He didn't say anything.
Then one of the women,
some big streak of piss who works high-up in Asda,
she said, "Ooh, let's do our porn names!"
And we all had to go round the table.
"I'm Lady Minchkin,"
"I'm Pumpkin McAllister,"
"Ooh, I'm Blackie Gough!"
Hilarious.
And then they turned to the au pair who'd just come in from the kitchen
and said, "Alessia, what's YOUR porn star name?"
She went bright red
and said, "It's Connie Lingus...
"..but how did you know?"
And then she ran out of the room crying.
Well, she's Italian.
Porn's like Bake-Off to them.
The husband laughed and the wife, ooh,
she gave him such evils.
I should have known then there were trouble at t'mill.
And then she said, "Nadia, what's yours?"
I said, "Jaws."
She said "Jaws what?
"It's your first pet followed by your mother's maiden name."
I said, "I know that.
"My goldfish was called Jaws and I never knew who my mother was,
"so it'll just have to be Jaws Blank."
Everyone looked down at their plates.
I might have sworn, I can't remember now.
And then the husband says, "Ooh, who fancies some Eton mess?"
And Tim, bless him...
..said, "How did you guess my porn name?"
And then everyone started laughing again
and talking about fucking house prices.
So, anyway, yeah,
they're splitting up now, so...
happy ending.
How did it feel, talking about your mother?
Sorry, what did you say?
How did it feel, talking about your mother,
the fact that you can't remember her?
Oh, it's not that I can't remember her, I...
..I never knew her.
See, I... I was an orphan.
Both my parents died.
Nobody knows what happened.
It's just a mystery.
Is this thing on?
Hello, this is Galen J Landry coming to you live
from the Jefferson Parish Correctional Facility in L'isiana,
the Sugar State, mm-mm!
Ma'am, you know how long this gon' take?
I already told you I killed a whole bunch of people.
Y'all want me to tell you their names? I can't tell you their names.
It ain't a kinda "howdy doody" situation,
sticking a knife in someone's belly.
I can tell you the first lady I killed.
Doreen Grace Landry.
She was my momma.
I was just a young'un, maybe 14, 15,
and I was in the house skinning a little rabbit
that my daddy done shot,
when she comes marching in, all ornery like.
"What you doin' in the kitchen, Galen?
"Get that God-dang varmint off my table!"
I said, "I ain't doing nothing wrong, Momma. We gotta eat."
Then she starts striking me about the head,
madder than a mule chewin' on a bumblebee...
what you folks might nowadays call "domestic abuse".
And something in my brain just snapped.
I turned around, I held up my knife,
a big old L'isiana toothpick,
and I stuck her right in the bread basket.
My, my, the look on her face.
When my daddy come home, he was not best pleased.
I'd skinned the rabbit and a little bit of Momma, too.
Kitchen was a mess, Daddy starts boo-hooing,
talking about calling the po-lice
and being about as much use as tits on a bull,
so I bashed his brains in with the griddling iron.
Seemed the kindest thing to do.
The pigs did not go hungry that winter, no siree.
When I went into town to get supplies,
folks'd holler, "Hey, Galen, where's your daddy at?"
And I'd just say, "Oh, you know, he's working the land."
And then I laughed cos it was kinda true,
seeing as he was now pig poop.
You ever eaten human brains, ma'am?
Kinda mushy, like scrambled eggs.
See, I like to get into other folks' heads,
know a bit of what they know.
And that's why I'm smarter than you...
..even though I'm sitting here in chains
and you're the one with the fancy video camera,
the nice husband, the perfect daughter.
Oh, yeah, I know you.
And when I get outta this hellhole, which I know I will,
I'm gonna come pay y'all a visit.
Treat you to some of that Southern hospitality.
Galen...
Hi, blogging angels! Hi, vlogging angels!
This video is for any vloggy-virgins out there
that want to pop their cherry.
OK, so...
..for those of who you don't know - hi, my name's Angel.
I am a social media influencer,
which basically means I get to share things with you, my Angel Army.
Angel Army!
And the more followers I get, the more influence I have.
Does that make sense? Anyway, some of my favourite videos...
and judging by your comments, some of your favourites as well...
are the Storytimes where I just...
Yeah, I get to tell you about my life and what's been happening.
So grab yourselves a cup of tea, put your phone on silent,
put your onesie on if you want to feel all shnuggly,
because I have got the mother, the mama,
the madre of all Storytimes for you.
Here goes.
So, last Tuesday, I'd done a three-hour social media blackout
as a fundraiser for... charity.
So I hadn't looked at my phone, Insta, Twitter,
nothing at all, since 10am.
I know, right?!
When I put my phone back on, all hell breaks loose.
I had so many notifications...
it was buzzing away like my mother's Rabbit.
Don't tell her I said that, boo!
LAUGHING: Do not tell her I said that!
I'm crying!
But first of all, I need to rewind a little bit.
Rewind!
I'd been given a T-shirt from dragtrade.com...
bit like this one, but with the word "babe" on it.
Then, when I see my comments,
the first one was from a new follower called GalenLandryFan...
which was not at all creepy, given the fact
that he's that serial killer dude in America - not cool...
and it said, "Hi, Angel, love the T-shirt.
"You are a Babe...
"what a great film that was."
Well, I didn't know this, but apparently
Babe was a film from years ago about a pig.
A pig that talks.
Can you believe this guy? Can you believe this guy?!
So I'm reading this and feeling all these different emojis,
and somewhere, from my sub-sub-conscience,
I get a voice telling me, "This is someone you know,
"someone you've already met."
Oh, my God, I can literally, like, feel the hairs going up
on the back of my arms!
Anyway, I'd posted a response saying,
"I don't know what film you're referring to,
"but I would advise you not to mess with Angel's Army.
"You might think I look like a pig, but let's see how you like spam."
So I'd screen-shotted it to Twitter,
asked all my followers to repost it with...
#timesup, #bodyshaming
He must have gotten, like, 5,000 retweets within the hour.
Thank you, guys, LUSMs...
So I just thought, "You know what? Serves you right."
You can't go making jokes on social media,
not when you don't know the person and you've only just started
following them, like, the day before.
So, anyway, upshot is Galen got spammed, whammed, thank-you-ma'amed,
and I think no more of it and I go shopping!
If you wanna see my haul, there's a "What's In My Bag?" video
with links to all the products down below, so you can get the same look.
But when I get in my Uber and I check my Story,
there's a DM from GalenLandryFan.
And it just says, "I know where you live."
WTAF?
So, do you know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to give him a piece of my mind.
Your mother brought me breakfast in bed this morning.
I said, "I should be doing this for you."
She said, "Well, I was up early.
"Next door's dog was howling again, probably the milkman."
I said, "For your information, darling,
"the milkman comes at midnight, not first thing.
"He wants it over and done with so he can have a lie-in."
When I was little, it used to be half-six in the morning.
You'd hear the chink of the bottles,
the whir and hiss of the little buggy thing
as it headed off down the next street,
and you knew then you had to get up for school.
It's funny how some sounds or bits of music
have certain connotations.
Like Sunday morning radio with Dave Lee Travis.
My parents always had it on - I could hear it through the walls.
He'd do a quiz-type thing,
and whenever anyone got a question wrong,
you would hear, "Quack, quack, oops."
And I don't know why, but that sound used to really depress me.
It was the Sunday-ness of it, I suppose.
Big arguments with my brothers
about whose turn it was to tape songs from the Top 40.
You'd get a C-90, put it in the stereo,
and you'd hover with your finger over the pause button,
ready to cut out all the bits of
Gary Davies or Peter Powell, or whoever it was.
Anyway, none of this will mean anything to you, will it?
I just... I want you to have some sense of who I was.
After breakfast in bed, we went to the hospital for your 18-week scan.
It was the miserable Norwegian woman again.
The Valkyrie.
We asked if we could find out whether you were... a boy or a girl,
and she didn't want to tell us at first, but...
..after we explained...
it turns out...
you're a girl.
My beautiful angel.
As we came out of antenatal, we bumped into Dr Wesley,
who did my last biopsy. We told him... the good news.
"Congratulations," he said, "do you have a name?"
"Yes," said your mum. "It's Doreen, after Aidan's mother."
"That's a very fine name," he said.
"When's the big day?"
I said, "Hers or mine?"
And he didn't laugh.
Quack, quack, oops.
"She's due at the end of May, and I'm due in the middle of March."
"Ah," he said.
"Rotten luck."
? Amazing grace
? How sweet the sound
? That saved a wretch
? Like me
? I once was lost
? But now I'm found
? Was blind
? But now I see
? 'Twas grace that taught
? My heart to fear
? And grace
? My fears relieved
? How precious did
? That grace appear
? The hour I first believed
? Amazing grace
? How sweet the sound
? That saved a wretch
? Like me
? I once was lost
? But now I'm found
? Was blind
? But now I see. ?
I hope that's what you were looking for.
We've found a nice girl to sing at the funeral.
If she's available, that is.
You can't book one in like you can a Caesarean.
I've already lasted a lot longer than they said I would.
It's the thought of you.
The tiny chance of seeing your arrival in the world is keeping me going.
Your mum is being a rock, as always.
I've been trying to persuade her
to sign up to one of these dating sites, but she...
..she won't hear of it.
You know, I...
..I said in my first video...
Second video?
I can't remember.
..er, that I would die for you.
Well, it looks like I'm going to make good on that promise.
But what I...
..what I really meant was I...
..I would kill for you.
If it were necessary, if it meant keeping you safe.
There are so many good people in the world...
..protecting you, wishing you well.
But there are some bad ones, too.
And, er,
when you look back on these messages, if you do...
..then know this.
I'm... here.
Inside here.
I...always will be.
Goodnight, my angel.
Hi, guys, it's Angel here
with a live - get this - live AMA vlog,
which means you get to ask me any burning questions
and I will do my best to give you honest answers.
So let's dive straight in
and see if anyone's been quick off the mark.
Yes! Briony Watkins - hi, Briony! - Asks,
"Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Draco Malfoy - snog, marry, avoid."
Oh, my days, I love these! OK, so...
Snog Draco, because we all know I love a bad boy!
Marry...
Harry, because he's steady and sensible,
and let's face it, girls, he's head of the company,
which means avoid Ron.
Soz, Ron, babes. I'm not ginge-ist or anything
and I would have an affair with you on the side
as long as Harry and Hermione never found out, obvs!
Maddiepops - hi! - Asks,
"How do you keep such a positive attitude all the time?
"You're awesome." Aw, thank you, Mads!
Well, as you lot know, my attitude is #YOLO,
#KYHIG - Keep Your Head In The Game.
And that last one is so important
because, being an influencer, especially in here,
can mess with your head so much
that you just have to drown out all the negative shit
and tune into the positive, yeah?
One love.
Right, I have got to skip to the loo, my darlings,
but please, please keep firing all your Qs at me
and I will get my As in gear as soon as I get back!
You get me? See you in a bit!
Well, now...
..would you at look what we got here?
A whole bunch of people asking questions.
Kinda puts me in mind of being back on trial.
"Why'd you kill them people, Galen? Why, why, why?"
You know what I said?
"It wasn't me, "it was the voices in my head done told me to do it."
Yeah, I played the crazy card, and they believed it.
I sat in my prison cell playing with my own poop
like a big dumbass retard
till they said I could go to a mental institution.
The judge said I was as much a victim
as those poor folks I'd slaughtered.
Ain't that a kick in the head?
So I thought I'd take advantage of the somewhat lax security
in my place of incarceration...
..and come and visit my Angel.
She promised to give me a piece of her mind...
..and I'm here to collect.
Do you recognise this man, Galen?
The man in the photograph?
No, I do not.
He look like he done fell out the ugly tree
and hit every branch on the way down.
Look again.
Do you think Nadia knows who it is?
Sorry, what...
..what did you say?
The man in the photograph. Do you recognise him?
? Amazing Grace
- ? How sweet - Nadia...
- ? the sound that... - Diana... ?
Diana, have you realised that your name has the same letters as Nadia's?
And the same as Aidan?
Nadia, Diana, Aidan,
they're all anagrams of each other.
Like Angel and Galen, two sides of the same coin.
They're all part of you, Nadia.
And the man in the photograph, William Ryland, is your father.
When you were four years old,
you repeatedly witnessed your father beat your mother in a drunken rage.
When he found out she was going to leave him,
he attacked her so savagely that she later died in hospital.
This severe trauma created
a subconscious psychological defence mechanism
we call dissociative identity disorder.
Your mind split into these different personalities.
Diana is the child who remembers,
but who was repeatedly told...
You haven't seen anything, right?
Singing to herself to drown out her mother's screams.
Galen is the persecutor, an introject of the abuser
who holds all the self-hatred and negativity
so the other parts of the personal system are not aware of them.
And what thanks do I get? None.
Angel and Aidan are the protectors,
Angel tries to influence the system to fight back against the abuse.
Aidan acts as a caretaker,
a constant source of love and reassurance.
My beautiful angel.
There may be other fragments of personalities
living in the same system.
This is why I asked you to use the video recorder,
to help bring them all out.
And you.
You're part of the system.
I am the gatekeeper.
I try to control the switching of the personalities
so you can function without breaking down completely.
So that's why I have the memory loss.
Indeed.
But when you discovered your father was coming
out of prison, the trauma resurfaced.
And when we found him online, I was like...
#Amazeballs! Let's contact him and invite him over."
Are you sure this is a good idea, my angel?
What are we gonna do?
? O mio babbino caro
? Mi piace, e bello, bello
? Vo' andare in Porta Rossa... ?
Hello, pleased to meet you, I'm Bill.
Oh, come in.
Thanks. Bit parky out there today.
- Through there? - Yeah, just through there.
Have you come far? Wandsworth, not too bad.
It's a nice place.
- You live here on your own? - No, with my husband and daughter.
Can I take your coat?
Um, yeah, sure.
Thanks.
Er... You didn't say in your e-mail you were married.
It's, er...
..well,
not what I expected, that's all.
But still, if you're comfortable with it.
? Mi struggo e mi tormento! ?
O Dio
? Vorrei morir
? Babbo, pieta
? Pieta!
? Babbo, pieta
? Pieta. ?
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