1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,879 ? It seems today that all you see ? 2 00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:08,174 ? Is violence in movies and sex on TV ? 3 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,928 ? But where are those good old-fashioned values ? 4 00:00:11,929 --> 00:00:14,847 ? On which we used to rely? ? 5 00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:18,184 ? Lucky there's a family guy ? 6 00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:21,604 ? Lucky there's a man who positively can do ? 7 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,189 ? All the things that make us ? 8 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,690 ? Laugh and cry ? 9 00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:30,155 ? He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ? 10 00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:34,076 - Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT - - www.addic7ed.com - 11 00:01:09,194 --> 00:01:12,030 Fart joke. 12 00:01:15,117 --> 00:01:16,659 Sir, you need to get ready 13 00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:19,578 for your lifetime achievement award ceremony. 14 00:01:19,579 --> 00:01:21,414 Thank you, shape-shifting valet. 15 00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:24,292 Remember, sir, I can be any shape you wish. 16 00:01:24,293 --> 00:01:26,795 Yeah, but you're already this, so... 17 00:01:33,844 --> 00:01:35,428 Excuse me. 18 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:36,762 Pardon me. 19 00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:38,139 Beg your pardon. 20 00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:39,307 Coming through. 21 00:01:39,308 --> 00:01:40,433 Nice to see you. 22 00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:42,351 Thank you for coming. 23 00:01:46,648 --> 00:01:49,275 What if I told you you could accumulate 24 00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:51,193 all the wealth you'd ever want 25 00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:53,154 simply by learning the secrets of real estate? 26 00:01:53,155 --> 00:01:54,447 Oop, wrong room. 27 00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:56,574 And then what if you could use that wealth 28 00:01:56,575 --> 00:01:59,828 to turn yourself into a Broadway star? 29 00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:13,424 Welcome, ladies and gentlemen 30 00:02:13,425 --> 00:02:16,469 and 14 other genders we have now. 31 00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:17,887 I'm Lane Bergan, 32 00:02:17,888 --> 00:02:21,474 the biggest star of May 2020 and on. 33 00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:25,144 So, if you've only watched TV up until April of 2020, 34 00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:27,938 my name would be unfamiliar to you. 35 00:02:27,939 --> 00:02:29,273 Lane Bergan? 36 00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:31,902 What, did Brett Kingston say no? 37 00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:38,407 When the Dwayne Johnson Center for Confusing Ethnicity 38 00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:40,785 approached me about hosting this night, 39 00:02:40,786 --> 00:02:43,871 I said it'd be an honor to bestow upon 40 00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:48,501 Stewart Gilligan Griffin our Lifetime Achievement Award. 41 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:51,128 When Stewie invented the Wipeless Dump, 42 00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:54,840 our rainforests were hanging on by a thread. 43 00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:57,968 Now, are there too many trees? 44 00:02:57,969 --> 00:03:01,013 Ladies and gentlemen, Stewart Griffin. 45 00:03:08,563 --> 00:03:10,356 Thank you for this wonderful honor. 46 00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:15,152 It's so wonderful to be here with all of you. 47 00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:18,739 You guys mind stopping for just one minute? 48 00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:22,201 When I heard I was going to be receiving this award, I... 49 00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:24,703 I'm not the person who yells at waiters, 50 00:03:24,704 --> 00:03:27,581 but maybe everyone bussing tables can freeze? 51 00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:29,542 I-I don't understand why I'm the person 52 00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:32,044 who has to be saying this, okay? 53 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,505 Okay, I'll never forget the first time I... 54 00:03:34,506 --> 00:03:37,466 Wow, really? 55 00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:39,427 This award means the world to... 56 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:42,513 me... 57 00:03:42,514 --> 00:03:43,722 and I want to thank... 58 00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:46,392 everyone who... 59 00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:47,601 Anybody with a (BLEEP) bowtie on, 60 00:03:47,602 --> 00:03:49,687 stop what you're doing, walk into the coatroom, 61 00:03:49,688 --> 00:03:52,440 and don't come out until I'm done talking! 62 00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:57,236 I-I don't yell at waiters. 63 00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,779 I'm now going to stop mid-sentence 64 00:03:58,780 --> 00:04:01,491 because I see someone from my... 65 00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:03,993 Brian? 66 00:04:14,171 --> 00:04:16,380 So, Brian, how's Frank Sinatra, Jr.? 67 00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:19,300 - You two still hanging out? - No. He died. 68 00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:22,970 I'll never forget it, it was Spiro Agnew's birthday. 69 00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:24,972 Wow, so you, uh, really went all-in 70 00:04:24,973 --> 00:04:26,098 with the Japanese screens. 71 00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:28,476 Yes, I really like changing in silhouette 72 00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:29,894 while carrying on a conversation. 73 00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:31,438 Will you excuse me? 74 00:04:33,899 --> 00:04:35,483 So, how was your flight? 75 00:04:35,484 --> 00:04:36,984 It was, uh, it was fine. 76 00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:38,986 I had a layover in Atlanta... 77 00:04:38,987 --> 00:04:40,446 What are you doing back there? 78 00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:42,781 Just getting into something more comfortable. 79 00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:44,116 Can I interest you in a nightcap? 80 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:45,534 - I think I've got... - Who is that? 81 00:04:45,535 --> 00:04:47,786 A little privacy, please! 82 00:04:47,787 --> 00:04:49,288 What the hell was all that? 83 00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,123 I have a lot of money, Brian. 84 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:54,794 But let's continue this while I take a very foggy shower. 85 00:04:56,922 --> 00:04:58,130 No, Stewie, come on. 86 00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:00,132 I haven't seen you in almost 50 years. 87 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,301 And you haven't even told me how great I look. 88 00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,595 You do look great. Thanks to me. 89 00:05:04,596 --> 00:05:06,847 I invented a pill to extend your life. 90 00:05:06,848 --> 00:05:08,933 It's called "Semper Fido." 91 00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:10,434 What? Why? 92 00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:12,853 Aren't you going to say anything about the cute name I gave it? 93 00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:14,855 Ha. What? Why? 94 00:05:14,856 --> 00:05:16,315 I snuck it in your food because I wanted you 95 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:19,568 to live long enough to see that global warming is bull crap. 96 00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:21,779 Oh, my God, we were so wrong about that. 97 00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:23,531 If anything, it's way colder now. 98 00:05:23,532 --> 00:05:24,865 Yes, and now thanks to you, 99 00:05:24,866 --> 00:05:27,034 we're stuck with President Polar Bear. 100 00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:29,912 President Polar Bear, is it true you ate the presidential seal? 101 00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:31,956 That was a simple misunderstanding. 102 00:05:31,957 --> 00:05:33,916 - No further questions. - President Polar Bear! 103 00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:36,126 President Polar Bear, what did you do for a Klondike bar? 104 00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:40,089 I believe the president has answered all of your questions. 105 00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:41,590 Here's what I don't understand... 106 00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:43,467 Why did you even want me to live this long 107 00:05:43,468 --> 00:05:44,677 if you were just gonna leave me? 108 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,178 It's not about you, Brian. 109 00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:49,431 - I couldn't take it back there. - But they were your family, Stewie. 110 00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:51,684 I guess I'm just not a family guy. 111 00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:56,356 Mom and Dad always wanted me to be someone I wasn't. 112 00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:01,777 Stewie Griffin, get in here right now! 113 00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:03,153 - Yeah? - Well, 114 00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:05,489 I just got our Christmas card photos. 115 00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:07,992 You want to tell me what you're doing with your hands here? 116 00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:09,994 - Nothing. - Exactly, nothing. 117 00:06:09,995 --> 00:06:12,538 And what does the greeting at the top of the card say? 118 00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:14,873 "Merry Christmas and a Shocking New Year." 119 00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:16,709 And what is every other member of the family 120 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:17,960 doing with their hands? 121 00:06:17,961 --> 00:06:19,670 - The shocker. - Right. 122 00:06:19,671 --> 00:06:21,839 Now, listen, Stewie, I'm a cool dad, all right? 123 00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:24,842 I could care less what you do with the pink, truly. 124 00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:27,511 But the stink is where you get the "shocking." 125 00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:29,221 You get that? You get what I'm saying? 126 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:31,140 Even if it's just one, that's fine. 127 00:06:31,141 --> 00:06:33,892 - But you got to put something there. - I-I think it's gonna be fine. 128 00:06:33,893 --> 00:06:35,519 I'm sure people won't even notice. 129 00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:38,480 Oh... 130 00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,024 Anyway, that's why I left. 131 00:06:40,025 --> 00:06:41,734 Well, that was a long time ago. 132 00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:42,985 You have to come back. 133 00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:44,528 Stewie... 134 00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:46,488 - Peter is dying. - What? 135 00:06:46,489 --> 00:06:48,574 Oh, my God, that's awful. 136 00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:50,909 - So, you'll come see him? - Of course. 137 00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:52,119 You know, he once asked me in the event 138 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:55,080 that he was sick to clear his Google history. 139 00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:58,168 "Peter Griffin search history." 140 00:06:58,627 --> 00:06:59,918 "Winnie the Pooh, 141 00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:01,754 "Winnie the Pooh jacket, 142 00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:03,881 "Winnie the Pooh vintage jacket, 143 00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:05,799 "Winnie the Pooh letterman jacket, 144 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,885 "Winnie the Pooh windbreaker, 145 00:07:07,886 --> 00:07:09,470 "Eeyore jacket, 146 00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:11,513 "Eeyore vintage jacket, 147 00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:13,474 "Eeyore letterman jacket, 148 00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:15,476 lactating pregnant Latinas..." 149 00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:17,311 Wow. Huge turn there. 150 00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:18,812 "Piglet pencil erasers." 151 00:07:18,813 --> 00:07:20,230 Okay, getting back in there. 152 00:07:20,231 --> 00:07:22,900 "Full cast Winnie the Pooh backpack." 153 00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:25,444 Oh, "cancer symptoms," yeah. 154 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,946 "Coughing up blood, pain in abdomen, 155 00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:28,947 Winnie the Pooh casket." 156 00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:31,116 Yeah, he is sick. You know, while we're here, 157 00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:32,826 let's take a look at your search history. 158 00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:35,954 - No, Stewie, that's... - "Spiro Agnew birthday." 159 00:07:35,955 --> 00:07:39,376 What a weird thing to try to impress me with. 160 00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:46,924 Okay, first stop, Chris Griffin. 161 00:07:46,925 --> 00:07:49,718 - We have to pick up Chris? - Yeah, what's the problem? 162 00:07:49,719 --> 00:07:51,845 Uh, we didn't exactly get along too well. 163 00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:55,683 Especially after Grandpa died and left me the dark boathouse. 164 00:07:55,684 --> 00:07:57,059 You can still use the boathouse 165 00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:59,770 on non-vacation Sundays in the spring. 166 00:07:59,771 --> 00:08:01,647 I've always taken care of you, Chris. 167 00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,273 Taken care of me? 168 00:08:03,274 --> 00:08:06,485 You're my kid brother, you take care of me? 169 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,112 Sorry, I came down here to vape. 170 00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:11,615 Send Chris off to do this, send Chris off to do that. 171 00:08:11,616 --> 00:08:13,409 I'm supposed to be shoveling the driveway. 172 00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:17,496 I'm your older brother, Stewie, and I was stepped over! 173 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,248 It's the way Grandpa wanted it. 174 00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:21,291 It ain't the way I wanted it! 175 00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:23,001 Sounds like you're having a personal conversation. 176 00:08:23,002 --> 00:08:25,921 - I'll put in my earbuds. - I'm smart! 177 00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:28,549 Not like everybody says, like dumb. 178 00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:31,176 I'm smart and I want respect. 179 00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:33,513 ? Funky Cold Medina. ? 180 00:08:39,394 --> 00:08:41,437 Chris, you live in filth. 181 00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:44,481 - What have you been doing? - Yeah, I kind of wasted my life, 182 00:08:44,482 --> 00:08:47,568 except I obsessed over teaching my penis how to talk. 183 00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:49,361 - What? - Who's out there? 184 00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,280 Settle down, just got some company. 185 00:08:51,281 --> 00:08:53,449 Well, aren't you going to introduce me? 186 00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:56,076 I'm getting to it, if-if you'll give me a second. 187 00:08:56,077 --> 00:08:57,745 I want to have a look at them. 188 00:08:57,746 --> 00:09:00,706 Hey, numbskull, that's how we got in trouble the last time. 189 00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:04,001 He-he's really very friendly. 190 00:09:04,002 --> 00:09:05,836 Where's the Jamba Juice you were gonna get me? 191 00:09:05,837 --> 00:09:08,297 Never mind, I'll order it on Postmates. 192 00:09:08,298 --> 00:09:11,676 No, you won't. Stop spending all our money. 193 00:09:15,346 --> 00:09:17,097 So, what's Meg been up to anyway? 194 00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:19,725 She runs a small private security business 195 00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:20,726 out in the desert. 196 00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:21,977 That sounds kind of cool. 197 00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:25,481 Well, she basically just tests bulletproof vests. 198 00:09:26,775 --> 00:09:28,358 - Ready? - One sec. 199 00:09:30,028 --> 00:09:31,737 Yeah, go, go, go. 200 00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,701 Ooh... yeah. 201 00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:45,042 This one can use another layer. 202 00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:46,794 Oh, hey, guys. 203 00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:49,463 - Um, are you okay? - Yeah, I'll be fine. 204 00:09:49,464 --> 00:09:51,590 Hi, Meg. Bring it in. 205 00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:52,800 Hi, Chris' Penis. 206 00:09:52,801 --> 00:09:53,926 How are you? 207 00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:56,387 Same spit, different day. 208 00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:02,935 Wow, look at Quahog. 209 00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:05,771 Light rail system, gleaming skyscrapers. 210 00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:07,064 ? Weenie and the Butt. ? 211 00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:09,441 But somehow, the same morning DJs. 212 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,693 ? Quahog 97 ? 213 00:10:11,694 --> 00:10:14,029 ? FM on the radio ? 214 00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:15,656 ? And the Internet ? 215 00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:17,241 ? And the orb ? 216 00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:19,034 ? A new invention ? 217 00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:20,661 ? Which lets you hear stuff ? 218 00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,204 ? Right in your head ? 219 00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:23,705 ? Without a device. ? 220 00:10:23,706 --> 00:10:25,249 Try turning it off. 221 00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:27,876 - You can't! - That's not all that hasn't changed. 222 00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:30,420 Cleveland's still on hold with United Airlines. 223 00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:38,762 I'm starting to think my call is not important to them. 224 00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:40,556 Your call is important to us. 225 00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:42,516 Thank you for remaining on the line. 226 00:10:42,517 --> 00:10:46,144 All right, you just bought yourself another year. 227 00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:48,730 And Seamus is still on hold with Spirit Airlines. 228 00:10:48,731 --> 00:10:51,108 We don't give a crap about you, but we're the cheapest, 229 00:10:51,109 --> 00:10:54,653 - so sit there and take it. - Ah, sea turds. 230 00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:58,991 Mr. Seamus, five minutes to showtime, Mr. Seamus. 231 00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:01,118 Oh, I want to fly standby to Pittsburgh, 232 00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:04,246 but I also want to host The Muppet Show. 233 00:11:09,335 --> 00:11:11,086 Look at all this traffic. 234 00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:13,797 Yeah, Brady Boulevard is tight this time of day. 235 00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:16,133 You know what? Cut over to Brady on Brady 236 00:11:16,134 --> 00:11:18,010 and then take the Brady Bridge. 237 00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:20,721 Is everything in this town named after Tom Brady? 238 00:11:20,722 --> 00:11:23,390 Oh, no, there's the Rob Gronkowski Library. 239 00:11:23,391 --> 00:11:26,518 The only book is just a label ripped off a Muscle Milk bottle. 240 00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:29,146 And look, there's the Robert Kraft Marina, 241 00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:31,315 full of tugboats. 242 00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:33,902 I heard he had a stroke. 243 00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:37,863 I can't even get my bearings. 244 00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:39,197 I'm gonna ask someone for directions. 245 00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:40,908 I wouldn't do that. Since you left, 246 00:11:40,909 --> 00:11:43,744 the New England accent has become incomprehensible. 247 00:11:43,745 --> 00:11:45,037 I'm sure it's not that bad. 248 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:48,040 Excuse me, sir, where is the Quahog Harbor? 249 00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,833 - Cah gabbah? - What? 250 00:11:49,834 --> 00:11:51,752 I-I just, I just want to know where the Quahog Harbor is. 251 00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:52,878 Cah gabbah. 252 00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,838 Uh-oh, there's a lot of guys 253 00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:57,007 in Bruins hats turning around now. 254 00:11:57,008 --> 00:11:59,384 - Abbah dabbah. - Gwin' dahsee da Sawx. 255 00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:00,409 N'abbah dabbah. 256 00:12:00,410 --> 00:12:01,970 - Cah gabbah. - Gwin' dahsee da Sawx. 257 00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:08,770 Aah! Brian, get out of here. Go, go, go! 258 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,066 Christopher "Irish or Italian name," 259 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,276 are you causing trouble out there? 260 00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:17,903 - No, Ma. - Nomah? 261 00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:20,531 - Nomah! - Nomah! 262 00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:29,581 What the hell happened to the neighborhood? 263 00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:32,709 Hey, Stewie. Here comes a double scoop of trouble. 264 00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:35,212 Whoa, you look great, considering your age. 265 00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:36,797 Yeah, I'm basically exactly the same, 266 00:12:36,798 --> 00:12:39,299 except I pretty much only talk about ice cream now. 267 00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:42,636 - Oh, that's cool, that's cool. - Yeah, you know what's cool? Ice cream. 268 00:12:42,637 --> 00:12:46,473 - Want to go get a cup? Cone? Bowl? - I-I'm just trying to see my folks. 269 00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:47,683 Man, I love ice cream. 270 00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:50,102 You know there's three different ice cream shops in Quahog? 271 00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,937 - They're all good. - What's your favorite? 272 00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:53,398 They're all good. 273 00:12:54,065 --> 00:12:55,983 So that's the scoop from here. 274 00:12:55,984 --> 00:12:58,903 All right, well, good running into you, man. 275 00:13:00,279 --> 00:13:02,990 Oh, my babies, finally all together again. 276 00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:06,284 Hello, Mother. I mean, uh, damn you, vile woman. 277 00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:08,453 I must kill you, et cetera, et cetera. 278 00:13:10,581 --> 00:13:12,499 Did Quagmire tell you about the ice cream? 279 00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:13,542 Yes. 280 00:13:13,543 --> 00:13:16,378 You know, there are three ice cream parlors in town. 281 00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:18,005 - We know. - They're all good. 282 00:13:18,006 --> 00:13:20,173 - Yes, he said that. - They're all good. 283 00:13:20,174 --> 00:13:22,843 Have we already run out of conversation? 284 00:13:22,844 --> 00:13:24,636 Chris, Meg, how are you? 285 00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,471 - Good, Ma. - How are you? 286 00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:28,974 Oh, I can't complain. Little hard of hearing, 287 00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:31,226 which is why I turned on the closed captioning. 288 00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:33,187 It's about 30 seconds behind, though. 289 00:13:34,689 --> 00:13:36,648 Wow, that is way behind. 290 00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,483 Now, what would you kids like for dinner? 291 00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:41,904 - It's 3:15, Ma. - I know, we waited for you. 292 00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:48,493 Yeah, we-we can go ahead and turn that off. 293 00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:49,871 How's Dad? 294 00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:56,001 Your father's had severe diabetes 295 00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:59,004 ever since they opened three ice cream stores in town. 296 00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:00,922 They're all good. 297 00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:03,383 You can't live like this, the house is falling apart. 298 00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:05,552 This is awful, and it's all my fault. 299 00:14:05,553 --> 00:14:08,346 Oh, Pop, I am so sorry I abandoned you all. 300 00:14:08,347 --> 00:14:11,016 I never should've left home. What can I do? 301 00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:15,353 Just promise, when I die, that you will help our family. 302 00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:17,439 I will, I promise. 303 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,984 This family will never want for anything ever again. 304 00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:22,778 - That's so generous. - Thank you. 305 00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:24,237 Chris, your hand. 306 00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:25,906 All right, now that that's settled, 307 00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:27,824 let's celebrate with some of the music of now 308 00:14:27,825 --> 00:14:29,786 with closed captioning. 309 00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:33,955 ? Music of now, music of now ? 310 00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:38,169 ? Music of now, music of now, music of now. ? 311 00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:49,221 Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker, delivering the news 312 00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:52,140 with my Andy Rooney end-of-life eyebrows. 313 00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:53,767 You won't hear anything I'm saying 314 00:14:53,768 --> 00:14:55,268 because they're so distracting. 315 00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:57,979 Now, let's go to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa, 316 00:14:57,980 --> 00:15:01,274 so we can be shocked at how well her people age. Tricia? 317 00:15:01,275 --> 00:15:04,236 Tom, I'm standing here with flawless skin 318 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:08,073 next to the shedding, crumbling, dusty ancient relics 319 00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:11,076 of white people my age. 320 00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:15,997 Oh, Stewie, you've done so much to help our family. 321 00:15:15,998 --> 00:15:18,333 I can't believe you put in an elevator. 322 00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:21,128 Yes, and it even has elevator music. 323 00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:25,006 ? Music of now, music of now. ? 324 00:15:25,007 --> 00:15:27,843 Aw, and thanks for these virtual reality glasses, 325 00:15:27,844 --> 00:15:30,762 so I can watch porn while talking to the family. 326 00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:33,849 So what's California like, Stewie? Ugh. 327 00:15:33,850 --> 00:15:35,183 That was a penis. 328 00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:38,311 So, do-do you still want to know about California? 329 00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:39,355 No, I'm done. 330 00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,774 I have one more dying wish. 331 00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:46,612 Play the song, but play it slow because I am old. 332 00:15:47,488 --> 00:15:51,158 ? A-well-a everybody's heard ? 333 00:15:51,159 --> 00:15:53,869 ? About the bird... ? 334 00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:56,329 Family, help me dance. 335 00:15:56,330 --> 00:15:58,039 ? B-bird's a word ? 336 00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,208 ? A-well, a bird, bird, bird... ? 337 00:16:00,209 --> 00:16:02,502 - How long, Peter? - I'll say when. 338 00:16:02,503 --> 00:16:05,213 ? A-well, a bird, bird, bird ? 339 00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:08,049 ? Well-a bird is a word ? 340 00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:12,262 ? A-well, a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's a word ? 341 00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:15,473 ? A-well, a bird, bird, bird ? 342 00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:17,268 ? Well-a bird is a word. ? 343 00:16:23,941 --> 00:16:26,193 Oh, Dr. Hartman, thank you for coming. 344 00:16:26,194 --> 00:16:28,361 Actually, I'm Dr. Hartman's son. 345 00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:31,448 Doctor Hartmanson? But I asked for Dr. Hartman. 346 00:16:31,449 --> 00:16:33,200 His jokes are getting worse, Doctor. 347 00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:35,411 Is there anything you can do for him? 348 00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:38,623 Now all we can do is wait. 349 00:16:41,209 --> 00:16:44,002 Lois... it's time. 350 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:47,715 Oh, Peter, I'm gonna miss you so much. 351 00:16:50,051 --> 00:16:51,968 I see a white light. 352 00:16:51,969 --> 00:16:54,095 There are others inside of it. 353 00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:56,640 Adam West, Carrie Fisher, 354 00:16:56,641 --> 00:16:59,142 Ricardo Montalbán, Phyllis Diller... 355 00:16:59,143 --> 00:17:01,853 Heaven is filled with every actor who ever died? 356 00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:04,356 No, this is actually just the ones who did our show 357 00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:06,274 right before they died. Crazy, right? 358 00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:09,277 Frank Sinatra Jr., Charles Durning, 359 00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:11,863 Lauren Bacall, Rodney Dangerfield, 360 00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:14,115 Roy Scheider, Waylon Jennings, 361 00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:16,618 Ed Asner by the time this airs certainly... 362 00:17:16,619 --> 00:17:19,287 Dad, you don't have to do this, there are too many. 363 00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:22,249 Uh-oh, Conway Twitty is here, and he's pissed. 364 00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:24,125 Wait, he's wearing the Darth Vader helmet. 365 00:17:24,126 --> 00:17:27,003 Never mind, he was cool with it. 366 00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:30,257 This is it. 367 00:17:32,468 --> 00:17:35,011 Oh, he's trying to say something. 368 00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:37,097 H-His final words. 369 00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:38,306 Lactating... 370 00:17:38,307 --> 00:17:41,142 pregnant... Latinas. 371 00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:44,814 I will, Dad, I promise. 372 00:17:56,325 --> 00:18:00,496 No, we won't cry for him, we will celebrate his life. 373 00:18:00,497 --> 00:18:03,999 The finest cigars for the finest family ever to live. 374 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,793 Oh, Stewie, we love you so much. 375 00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:10,797 And I love you, which is why I must not delay any longer. 376 00:18:10,798 --> 00:18:14,718 I must get my affairs in order and transfer my money to all of you. 377 00:18:14,719 --> 00:18:17,345 - I will see you all soon. - Oh, thank you, Stewie. 378 00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:19,181 - We love you. - Thanks. 379 00:18:42,038 --> 00:18:43,747 We did it. We got him. 380 00:18:43,748 --> 00:18:45,749 I feel like we're in The Sting, 381 00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:49,252 that movie from 100 years ago about 150 years ago. 382 00:18:49,253 --> 00:18:51,296 Great work tricking him, Brian. 383 00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:54,132 Thanks. Well, you know, I credit my years as a writer. 384 00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:56,217 When I planned the con, I saw Quahog as a character... 385 00:18:56,218 --> 00:18:57,678 Okay, that's enough. 386 00:19:07,688 --> 00:19:09,522 Had a pebble in my shoe. 387 00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:12,025 Of course I knew the whole thing was a scam. 388 00:19:12,026 --> 00:19:14,778 They probably did that "crying turning into laughing" thing 389 00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:16,821 when I left, what a bunch of hacks. 390 00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:19,282 They're too stupid to notice I snuck into the kitchen 391 00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:21,659 and turned up the gas before I left. 392 00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:24,622 Chris should be lighting his cigar right about... 393 00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:29,459 Stewie, help. 394 00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:32,712 It hurts! Reverse the pill! Let me die! 395 00:19:32,713 --> 00:19:37,175 Ooh, wish I could, but the pills were in the house, so, yeah... 396 00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:39,260 Stewie. Stewie! 397 00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:42,514 Stewie! Stewie! 398 00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:44,557 Stewie! Stewie! 399 00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:46,518 Huh? What? 400 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,186 What the hell is wrong with you? You've been staring 401 00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:50,939 at that old man Halloween costume for 30 minutes. 402 00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:54,317 21 plus commercials, but it's a big decision. 403 00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:56,694 You know, I've always been afraid of being old, 404 00:19:56,695 --> 00:19:59,490 but now I think I'll like it just fine. 405 00:20:05,246 --> 00:20:07,831 Why are you walking so slowly? 406 00:20:07,832 --> 00:20:10,708 Turns out this costume is about 80% balls, 407 00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:14,087 and most of it's dragging behind me. 408 00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:18,258 - Uhp, we got a tangle. - Uhp, what do I do? 409 00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:20,593 Stop walking. I'll go back, you go forward. 410 00:20:20,594 --> 00:20:21,845 - Are you sure? - It's counterintuitive. 411 00:20:21,846 --> 00:20:23,304 I don't know, that-that doesn't seem right to me. 412 00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:24,431 When you want to go left, you go right. 413 00:20:24,432 --> 00:20:25,473 I'm just gonna pull forward. 414 00:20:25,474 --> 00:20:26,724 - Don't pull, don't pull. - I-I think if you come this way, 415 00:20:26,725 --> 00:20:28,268 - and I go that way... - Just stop walking and listen to me. 416 00:20:28,269 --> 00:20:29,811 Everybody freeze. 417 00:20:29,812 --> 00:20:32,231 Okay, let's just think about this. 418 00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:40,738 People of Argentina, 419 00:20:40,739 --> 00:20:42,615 I have heard your cries, 420 00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:44,033 and I just want to say... 421 00:20:44,034 --> 00:20:45,952 Meg. Meg! 422 00:20:45,953 --> 00:20:48,288 I already told you you're not gonna be Evita. 423 00:20:48,289 --> 00:20:50,915 You're gonna be the back half of Edgar the Farting Horse. 424 00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:52,168 Now get in. 425 00:20:56,839 --> 00:20:58,924 Hey. I do the farting.