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00:00:04,080 --> 00:00:06,026
For anyone who hasn't
already downloaded

2
00:00:06,027 --> 00:00:08,395
the Zephra employee app,
you need to.

3
00:00:08,429 --> 00:00:09,625
There's a bunch
of cool features.

4
00:00:09,658 --> 00:00:11,931
For one, you get points
for helping customers...

5
00:00:11,933 --> 00:00:13,065
Ooh, I want points.

6
00:00:13,067 --> 00:00:14,466
- Ooh, me too.
- What do points do?

7
00:00:14,468 --> 00:00:16,260
Looks like ten points get you a badge,

8
00:00:16,294 --> 00:00:17,627
and ten badges get you a banner.

9
00:00:17,629 --> 00:00:19,229
- Ooh.
- And what do banners get you?

10
00:00:19,231 --> 00:00:20,563
I don't know, Jonah, the moon.

11
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God, ten times a day with this guy.

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"What do banners get you?"

13
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It also uses your location data

14
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to automatically clock you in

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00:00:26,138 --> 00:00:27,837
when you enter the store,
so no need to swipe in

16
00:00:27,839 --> 00:00:29,472
- in the mornings anymore.
- Really?

17
00:00:29,474 --> 00:00:31,674
Hello, extra half-hour of sleep!

18
00:00:31,676 --> 00:00:33,443
- Extra half-hour?
- Glenn, what is your

19
00:00:33,445 --> 00:00:35,979
- clock-in process?
- Oh, it's very involved.

20
00:00:35,981 --> 00:00:38,415
Can we all talk about whether
it's an invasion of privacy

21
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for Zephra to force us
to download something

22
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that can track our phones?

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- Do we have to?
- Who cares?

24
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- No, thank you.
- That's kinda boring.

25
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That's what every app does.

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Great debate, guys. It's very useful.

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00:00:46,983 --> 00:00:50,285
Also there's a product
locator, an inventory map,

28
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and, uh, oh... your Z-Shelf comes with

29
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the CEO's autobiography
and an audio version

30
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read by Emily Deschanel from "Bones."

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- Wow.
- What?

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- Love her.
- I'm a total "Bones" - head.

33
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How are we supposed to
use any of this stuff

34
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when we're not even allowed to
have our phones on the floor?

35
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The new policy says that you
can have your phones now.

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In fact, you are expected to carry them.

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Holy [bleep].

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I am so happy right now.

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So to reiterate, we must
download an app that can

40
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track our phones, and then we must carry

41
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our phones at all times.

42
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And everybody here is just,
like, fine with that?

43
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- Yes.
- Pretty much.

44
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- Yeah.
- What's the problem?

45
00:01:29,980 --> 00:01:32,414
"Who Run the World? Me"

46
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by Kira Moon.
Read by Emily Deschanel.

47
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I could listen to that lady

48
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read the phone book.

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I had nothing but a seed
loan from my father...

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Synced and corrected by hawken45
for www.addic7ed.com

51
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I linked the app to my
Facebook and checking accounts.

52
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I got the Super Sharer badge.

53
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You hate this, don't you?

54
00:01:53,742 --> 00:01:56,004
I just don't love handing
giant corporations a way

55
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to get my address, my contacts,
and all of my passwords.

56
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I already gave all of that up
to figure out which cat

57
00:02:01,461 --> 00:02:02,894
from "Cats" I am.

58
00:02:02,896 --> 00:02:05,596
- Macavity, the magical one.
- What do you think

59
00:02:05,598 --> 00:02:06,998
they're gonna do with
that information, anyway?

60
00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:07,899
A lot.

61
00:02:07,901 --> 00:02:10,268
They can track what you
do, what you like.

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They can scan your internet
searches for keywords

63
00:02:12,472 --> 00:02:14,939
and then just send you ads for
things you were talking about.

64
00:02:14,941 --> 00:02:18,209
- That just seems thoughtful.
- Yeah, but then they can just

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00:02:18,211 --> 00:02:21,346
package your data and sell it
to other companies.

66
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And then those companies
would give you the free help?

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I'm... I'm not doing it justice.

68
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So you think you're so
fascinating that Zephra's

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dying to learn which Beach
House album you just preordered?

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Ah, the "I've got nothing
to hide" argument.

71
00:02:33,493 --> 00:02:35,760
- Where have I heard that before?
- Bible camp.

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"In Christ I have nothing
to hide, nothing to prove,

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nothing to fear, nothing to lose."

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Hmm, is that where you
heard it, Jonah? Bible camp?

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Maybe.

76
00:02:46,266 --> 00:02:48,033
Hey, this cartoon thing you sent me.

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Is it supposed to be you
or, like, a depressing,

78
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aged-up Dora?

79
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No, it's me.

80
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You can design your
own avatar on the app.

81
00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:55,407
And the purple streak in your hair?

82
00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:56,708
Well, yeah, that's just for fun.

83
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To see what it would look like.
I mean, it's not like I could

84
00:02:58,579 --> 00:03:01,099
actually pull that off
in real life, right?

85
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Oh, yeah, definitely.

86
00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:04,687
Yeah. Look, I can make you one.

87
00:03:04,712 --> 00:03:06,251
Oh, knock yourself out.

88
00:03:06,253 --> 00:03:08,653
I never got into the whole texting fad.

89
00:03:08,655 --> 00:03:11,122
- Really? You've texted me.
- Yeah, to convey information,

90
00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:12,624
but, like, sending someone
a little picture or something?

91
00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:14,224
It's, like, what's the point?

92
00:03:14,484 --> 00:03:16,795
Well, sometimes you just feel
like sending someone an emoji

93
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or, like, a GIF from a movie.

94
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Why? Why would you do that to someone?

95
00:03:21,971 --> 00:03:24,238
Okay, never mind. Here, look.

96
00:03:26,548 --> 00:03:28,250
Huh. Oh, that does kinda look like me.

97
00:03:28,275 --> 00:03:30,976
Yeah, and you can change
the facial expressions.

98
00:03:30,978 --> 00:03:34,090
- Whoa, I can change my race.
- Yes, but you shouldn't.

99
00:03:34,091 --> 00:03:35,090
- That's...
- See, I knew it.

100
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People are always telling me
I'd be a beautiful Indian woman.

101
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You should really change
that back, Dina.

102
00:03:39,130 --> 00:03:41,230
Who... who... who says that?

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Every time you take
a trip back and forth

104
00:03:50,808 --> 00:03:52,541
to the stock room, you earn points.

105
00:03:52,543 --> 00:03:53,960
I'm already at "Stockroom Fiend."

106
00:03:53,961 --> 00:03:55,911
Well, I'm a "Stockroom Rockstar."

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If I ever get "Stockroom
Fiend" again, kill me.

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Seriously.

109
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If you click on the little
clock on the bottom,

110
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it tells you how much time
you have left on your break.

111
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,355
- Wait, what?
- Yup. Eight minutes.

112
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Mine says six.

113
00:04:07,258 --> 00:04:08,958
Wait, they're timing our breaks now?

114
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:10,960
How do they even know that
we're in the break room?

115
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- Hold on.
- It's GPS probably.

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I bet it's GPS.

117
00:04:15,266 --> 00:04:16,899
So we're only allowed
to be in the break room

118
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if we're actually on break now?

119
00:04:18,402 --> 00:04:19,986
Okay, it stops counting out here.

120
00:04:20,059 --> 00:04:22,026
This isn't even a break. This is just...

121
00:04:22,306 --> 00:04:24,077
unofficial break room time.

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And now it's
counting down again.

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GPS. Global Positioning System.

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You can't fit a whole 15-minute
break into just 15 minutes.

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I can't relax if I know I'm being timed.

126
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It's too much pressure.

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Stopped. Started. Stopped.

128
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So what if we leave our
phones outside the break room?

129
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That way they won't know
when we're in here.

130
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- A break without your phone?
- Do you hear yourself?

131
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Jesus, Justine,
either help or keep quiet.

132
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Now it's stopped again.

133
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I'm 70% sure this is what it is.

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My man, I made something for you.

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00:04:56,770 --> 00:04:58,235
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, try it on.

136
00:04:58,309 --> 00:04:59,404
What... what am I looking at here?

137
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It's a hat lined with tin foil

138
00:05:00,674 --> 00:05:02,841
so Zephra can't hack into your thoughts.

139
00:05:02,843 --> 00:05:05,477
- Okay, all right, I get it.
- So I'm just some sort of, like,

140
00:05:05,479 --> 00:05:07,579
wacko conspiracy theorist
for thinking that

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00:05:07,581 --> 00:05:10,749
a tech conglomerate just
might want to check out

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00:05:10,837 --> 00:05:12,718
- its employees' phone activity.
- Shh.

143
00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:15,076
The lizard people are all
around us; they'll hear you.

144
00:05:15,589 --> 00:05:17,956
Sorry, buddy. Not you.
You look totally normal.

145
00:05:17,958 --> 00:05:21,135
Okay, so you're so sure
that nobody's looking

146
00:05:21,136 --> 00:05:22,361
you wouldn't mind if I took
your phone and just, like,

147
00:05:22,363 --> 00:05:24,529
Googled a bunch of weird
porn or something?

148
00:05:24,531 --> 00:05:25,831
Be my guest.

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00:05:25,871 --> 00:05:27,666
If you think I haven't
Googled weird porn,

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00:05:27,668 --> 00:05:29,368
- you're in for a treat.
- Okay, all right, fine.

151
00:05:29,370 --> 00:05:31,270
Then what if I, uh, what if I wrote

152
00:05:31,272 --> 00:05:32,838
"How to murder my coworkers"?

153
00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:34,773
- Doesn't bother me.
- You sure? 'Cause I...

154
00:05:34,775 --> 00:05:36,508
- 'Cause I'm doing it.
- Go for it.

155
00:05:36,510 --> 00:05:39,378
Okay, I'm... here we go.
It's... I'm... I'm typing it.

156
00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:41,113
- Type it.
- Into your phone right now.

157
00:05:41,115 --> 00:05:42,887
- Great.
- Got it all queued up.

158
00:05:43,075 --> 00:05:44,241
- Okay.
- Ready to send.

159
00:05:44,243 --> 00:05:45,376
- Send it.
- I'm gonna send it.

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00:05:45,378 --> 00:05:46,572
- Press it.
- Pressing it.

161
00:05:47,246 --> 00:05:48,746
- There you go.
- Boom.

162
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And I'm still here.

163
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:52,446
Well, no one was saying you would, like,

164
00:05:52,450 --> 00:05:54,684
- immediately disappear.
- Yeah, no, I know that.

165
00:05:54,854 --> 00:05:56,575
I was just trying to add some flair.

166
00:05:57,156 --> 00:05:58,622
We got hit with a ton of graffiti

167
00:05:58,624 --> 00:05:59,623
that we have to remove.

168
00:05:59,625 --> 00:06:00,591
I'm not sure if it was a bunch

169
00:06:00,593 --> 00:06:02,526
of different people...

170
00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:04,595
Or just one guy with a lot of range.

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00:06:04,597 --> 00:06:06,864
Sorry. Text from Dina.

172
00:06:06,866 --> 00:06:08,599
"Heads up, spill in Produce,"

173
00:06:08,601 --> 00:06:10,434
with her avatar surfing on a banana.

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00:06:10,436 --> 00:06:13,871
- Ooh, 'cause Produce!
- Yup, I'm guessing so.

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00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:17,007
At any rate, they spray painted
a pentagram in Toys & Games,

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which I've just been telling the parents

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is a "Frozen" thing, so.

178
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Sorry.

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00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:25,783
Apple emoji, orange
emoji, grapes emoji...

180
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- She's good at this.
- Yeah.

181
00:06:26,953 --> 00:06:29,442
Hey, Amy, ignore the baseball.

182
00:06:29,484 --> 00:06:31,050
I thought it was a shelled coconut.

183
00:06:31,052 --> 00:06:33,352
All good.
Just, uh, trying to get through

184
00:06:33,354 --> 00:06:34,520
some assignments here.

185
00:06:34,522 --> 00:06:36,100
- Got it.
- Okay.

186
00:06:36,731 --> 00:06:40,066
Okay, um, where was I? Uh...

187
00:06:40,228 --> 00:06:43,362
Oh, right... also, they
spray painted "Greta is God"

188
00:06:43,364 --> 00:06:45,097
in the changing rooms, now...

189
00:06:45,099 --> 00:06:48,953
Um, I'm not sure if they
meant Gerwig or Thunberg,

190
00:06:48,954 --> 00:06:51,070
but not that it matters.

191
00:06:51,072 --> 00:06:53,105
- What I need is for you...
- Amy!

192
00:06:53,107 --> 00:06:55,141
Check your phone!
This is a good one!

193
00:06:56,644 --> 00:06:59,245
It's a meme of Indiana
Jones cracking his whip.

194
00:06:59,247 --> 00:07:02,948
It's you, the boss!
Apparently, it's from a movie!

195
00:07:02,950 --> 00:07:04,984
Wow, generations have changed, huh?

196
00:07:04,986 --> 00:07:08,020
If it were me, I'd find that
incredibly annoying.

197
00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:15,088
It's obviously toothbrushes.

198
00:07:15,113 --> 00:07:18,459
Or is it teethbrush?
Like attorneys general?

199
00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:20,465
Are you gonna answer any of those?

200
00:07:20,490 --> 00:07:21,990
It's Dina.

201
00:07:21,992 --> 00:07:23,558
She won't stop texting.

202
00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:27,195
It is crazy how people act
like the rules of human decency

203
00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:29,664
don't apply in the digital
space, especially be...

204
00:07:29,666 --> 00:07:31,635
- you're not listening.
- Yeah, I'm sorry,

205
00:07:31,669 --> 00:07:33,969
I can only feign interest
in one conversation at a time.

206
00:07:33,971 --> 00:07:35,971
Everything's in caps.
And when she sends

207
00:07:35,973 --> 00:07:39,007
a long message, she sends
each word individually.

208
00:07:39,009 --> 00:07:40,122
Maybe you should just mute her.

209
00:07:40,147 --> 00:07:42,888
- You can mute people?
- Yeah, it's right here in the settings.

210
00:07:42,913 --> 00:07:45,471
- Ooh, that's a game changer.
- Boom.

211
00:07:45,738 --> 00:07:48,771
I mean, I feel kinda bad,
but it's too much.

212
00:07:48,796 --> 00:07:50,378
While we're at it, do you
maybe wanna change

213
00:07:50,380 --> 00:07:52,842
your passcode to
something besides "0000"?

214
00:07:53,049 --> 00:07:55,898
Eh, if I did, I'd have to
change it on my debit card too.

215
00:07:56,733 --> 00:07:58,348
I know that's a joke.
Right?

216
00:07:58,454 --> 00:07:59,653
Not telling.

217
00:08:02,346 --> 00:08:03,515
Hey, man.

218
00:08:04,116 --> 00:08:06,016
How's stuff been going with you lately?

219
00:08:06,041 --> 00:08:08,207
- Anything new?
- No, not really.

220
00:08:08,427 --> 00:08:10,995
What are you writing?
A note to someone?

221
00:08:12,116 --> 00:08:14,667
- No, I'm just doodling.
- Oh, yeah, nice.

222
00:08:15,294 --> 00:08:16,951
Looks good, man.
You're talented.

223
00:08:19,258 --> 00:08:21,004
Well, hey, I should get back to it.

224
00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:24,468
But I'm right over there if
there's any issues or anything.

225
00:08:24,493 --> 00:08:25,758
What issues?

226
00:08:25,783 --> 00:08:27,283
Well, I mean, not like
"issues," but, like,

227
00:08:27,308 --> 00:08:28,841
if you need to talk
or tell me something,

228
00:08:28,866 --> 00:08:31,179
or something happens or whatever...

229
00:08:31,204 --> 00:08:32,469
I'm around.

230
00:08:33,618 --> 00:08:35,582
- Yeah, okay, thanks.
- No doubt.

231
00:08:39,045 --> 00:08:41,078
- Sandra, did you catch that?
- Yeah.

232
00:08:41,103 --> 00:08:43,801
Listened to the entire thing.
I'm always listening.

233
00:08:43,826 --> 00:08:45,484
Well, did it sound weird to you?

234
00:08:45,718 --> 00:08:48,115
- He's never talked to me before.
- I don't know.

235
00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:50,481
A lot of people have never
talked to me before.

236
00:08:56,012 --> 00:08:57,712
I didn't know people took
their breaks out here.

237
00:08:57,714 --> 00:08:59,847
Mainly just smokers.

238
00:08:59,849 --> 00:09:01,916
Usually cigarettes,
but sometimes crack.

239
00:09:01,918 --> 00:09:04,986
Oh, I would do anything
for some crack right now.

240
00:09:04,988 --> 00:09:06,193
Just for the warmth.

241
00:09:06,362 --> 00:09:08,662
Well, the important thing
is we're not being timed.

242
00:09:08,825 --> 00:09:11,259
So, you know, we can just
sit back and relax.

243
00:09:14,331 --> 00:09:16,331
- I'm so fricking cold.
- I know.

244
00:09:16,333 --> 00:09:18,933
- I can't feel my hands.
- I'm also having a bad time.

245
00:09:18,935 --> 00:09:20,235
It's not that bad.

246
00:09:20,237 --> 00:09:21,869
We're outside,
the sun is shining...

247
00:09:21,871 --> 00:09:23,238
I mean, it's not shining,

248
00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:24,906
but whatever.
It's up there.

249
00:09:24,908 --> 00:09:27,442
We should warm up
by combining body heat.

250
00:09:28,169 --> 00:09:30,170
Do you guys wanna
press up against each other?

251
00:09:30,580 --> 00:09:32,453
- I'm going inside.
- Me too.

252
00:09:38,375 --> 00:09:40,174
Hey, did you get the link I texted you?

253
00:09:40,316 --> 00:09:41,963
Uh, the link?

254
00:09:42,626 --> 00:09:45,122
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was funny.

255
00:09:45,123 --> 00:09:47,528
Oh, what was it? It...
some rando emailed it to me.

256
00:09:47,530 --> 00:09:49,030
I was nervous it was
a virus or something.

257
00:09:49,251 --> 00:09:52,438
Um, I'm trying to remember.

258
00:09:52,463 --> 00:09:55,284
You know, my brain is foggy.
Amy need coffee.

259
00:09:55,505 --> 00:09:57,205
Want caffeine.

260
00:09:57,207 --> 00:09:59,107
I'm not sure what that was,

261
00:09:59,135 --> 00:10:00,806
but it is not banter-ready.

262
00:10:02,092 --> 00:10:03,566
- W-What are you doing?
- 0000.

263
00:10:03,613 --> 00:10:06,080
- How do you know my password?
- I'm looking for that link.

264
00:10:06,082 --> 00:10:07,294
Are you not getting all my texts?

265
00:10:07,363 --> 00:10:09,137
Uh, maybe not.

266
00:10:09,204 --> 00:10:11,419
You know, the service
around here is spotty.

267
00:10:11,421 --> 00:10:13,553
Why does it say "mute" next to my name?

268
00:10:13,636 --> 00:10:14,658
Huh?

269
00:10:15,317 --> 00:10:16,850
Says "mute" next to my name.

270
00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:21,189
Oh, um, yeah.
Uh, so you were...

271
00:10:21,191 --> 00:10:22,474
you were texting me a lot,

272
00:10:22,499 --> 00:10:25,633
um, and my phone just kept
dinging and I couldn't really

273
00:10:25,635 --> 00:10:29,181
get my work done, so I just
temporarily muted you.

274
00:10:30,460 --> 00:10:33,761
- You... you muted me?
- Temporarily.

275
00:10:33,977 --> 00:10:35,267
Wow.

276
00:10:35,292 --> 00:10:36,853
Didn't realize
I was so annoying.

277
00:10:37,069 --> 00:10:38,980
Maybe I should just sell my
voice to a sea witch,

278
00:10:38,982 --> 00:10:40,615
become nothing but
a pretty, pretty face.

279
00:10:40,617 --> 00:10:42,377
N-no, Dina, come on.
It's not like that.

280
00:10:42,378 --> 00:10:44,986
Wait, so you didn't get my
security memo about the Chafies?

281
00:10:44,988 --> 00:10:46,363
- Chafies?
- Yes.

282
00:10:46,364 --> 00:10:47,637
The fuel cans that caterers use?

283
00:10:47,638 --> 00:10:48,849
Teens are drinking them to get high.

284
00:10:48,890 --> 00:10:50,202
We have to put out red label warnings.

285
00:10:50,203 --> 00:10:51,442
Red label warnings?

286
00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:53,343
Dina, you can't just text me
something like that.

287
00:10:53,345 --> 00:10:54,868
We could get in a lot of trouble.

288
00:10:54,869 --> 00:10:57,391
Yeah, I know, that's why I
added my avatar like this.

289
00:10:57,749 --> 00:10:59,682
I thought it was screaming,
but I guess I was silent,

290
00:10:59,684 --> 00:11:02,252
because you muted me.
You took away my voice.

291
00:11:02,254 --> 00:11:04,784
Okay, well... that's dramatic.

292
00:11:05,157 --> 00:11:07,590
So by that logic, it wouldn't
be a box of toothpicks,

293
00:11:07,592 --> 00:11:09,559
it would be a box of teeth-pick?

294
00:11:09,831 --> 00:11:11,738
No, no, because well...

295
00:11:12,164 --> 00:11:13,696
Yeah, maybe.

296
00:11:13,949 --> 00:11:16,817
Yo, somebody broke into my locker.

297
00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:18,601
- What?
- Did they take anything?

298
00:11:18,603 --> 00:11:21,237
No, doesn't look like it.
Just looks like they

299
00:11:21,239 --> 00:11:23,440
- went through everything.
- Huh.

300
00:11:23,442 --> 00:11:25,742
You don't think this is because
of the Google search, do you?

301
00:11:26,088 --> 00:11:27,721
N-no. I mean, I...

302
00:11:27,972 --> 00:11:29,532
I don't think.

303
00:11:29,614 --> 00:11:31,437
Sal used to break into people's lockers.

304
00:11:31,462 --> 00:11:33,311
But usually just to lick their stuff.

305
00:11:33,452 --> 00:11:35,082
Yeah, that's probably it.

306
00:11:37,355 --> 00:11:39,494
- Wanna know a secret?
- Always.

307
00:11:39,931 --> 00:11:41,848
I'm the one that broke into his locker.

308
00:11:41,893 --> 00:11:43,193
Oh.

309
00:11:43,195 --> 00:11:44,606
You're a locker-licker too?

310
00:11:44,631 --> 00:11:48,298
No, no, it was revenge for
acting like I'm the crazy one.

311
00:11:48,300 --> 00:11:50,433
- Oh.
- Yeah, I even got Ken

312
00:11:50,435 --> 00:11:51,868
to act weird around him too.

313
00:11:51,870 --> 00:11:53,636
Oh, this is genius.

314
00:11:53,638 --> 00:11:56,004
Can I help? I'm never
on the happy end of a prank.

315
00:11:56,029 --> 00:11:58,374
It's not a prank.
More like gaslighting.

316
00:11:58,376 --> 00:12:00,637
But, uh, yeah, sure, whatever.

317
00:12:00,662 --> 00:12:03,246
Yes! Revenge of the losers!

318
00:12:03,248 --> 00:12:05,873
Oh, we don't have to call it that.

319
00:12:05,898 --> 00:12:07,458
You got it, buddy.

320
00:12:08,787 --> 00:12:11,121
Apparently, teens are
drinking the slushie stuff

321
00:12:11,123 --> 00:12:12,755
inside of these for the alcohol.

322
00:12:12,757 --> 00:12:15,558
So starting now, if anybody
buys one of these

323
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,927
without a warning and they
die, we're liable.

324
00:12:17,929 --> 00:12:19,195
Actually, starting an hour ago.

325
00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:21,898
We're a little delayed because
Amy was busy mean-girling me.

326
00:12:21,900 --> 00:12:23,600
I really think you're
blowing this out of proportion.

327
00:12:23,602 --> 00:12:24,934
I think I'm blowing it into proportion.

328
00:12:24,936 --> 00:12:27,045
What if someone already bought those,

329
00:12:27,059 --> 00:12:28,938
but without a warning?

330
00:12:28,940 --> 00:12:31,774
'Cause I just sold six
24-packs to a teenager.

331
00:12:31,776 --> 00:12:34,677
A teenager bought 144
cans of chafing fuel,

332
00:12:34,679 --> 00:12:36,346
and you didn't think
that was suspicious?

333
00:12:36,348 --> 00:12:38,348
I thought it was incredibly suspicious!

334
00:12:38,350 --> 00:12:39,816
That's why I remembered.

335
00:12:39,818 --> 00:12:41,284
But look, he was on a skateboard.

336
00:12:41,286 --> 00:12:42,585
You can probably still catch him.

337
00:12:42,587 --> 00:12:44,787
Well, we can try.
Come on, Dina.

338
00:12:44,789 --> 00:12:46,756
Wow, first you mute me,
then you kill a child.

339
00:12:46,758 --> 00:12:48,424
- Busy day for you.
- Nobody's dying.

340
00:12:48,426 --> 00:12:50,129
She said as the child dies.

341
00:12:52,986 --> 00:12:56,637
- Do you see anybody?
- Ooh, what about that guy?

342
00:12:56,662 --> 00:12:58,325
Oh, no, that's just a bag of leaves.

343
00:12:58,350 --> 00:13:00,559
Kinda looked like a person though, huh?

344
00:13:02,414 --> 00:13:03,580
Hello?

345
00:13:05,350 --> 00:13:06,704
Oh, right.

346
00:13:07,477 --> 00:13:09,693
'Cause I muted you. Got it.

347
00:13:11,905 --> 00:13:13,963
You made your point.

348
00:13:18,815 --> 00:13:20,404
And so then I said to her,

349
00:13:20,429 --> 00:13:22,095
"You're the one who just got a raise.

350
00:13:22,098 --> 00:13:24,199
Why don't you buy the dryer balls?"

351
00:13:24,256 --> 00:13:26,192
Yeah, man, uh, I'm cool
to show you in silence.

352
00:13:26,193 --> 00:13:27,685
Thanks, but I need to get this out.

353
00:13:27,687 --> 00:13:30,709
And let me tell you, that is
not what she wanted to hear.

354
00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:32,516
So she starts in with,

355
00:13:32,518 --> 00:13:34,017
"You're just threatened by a woman..."

356
00:13:34,019 --> 00:13:35,519
Hold on a sec.

357
00:13:38,068 --> 00:13:40,844
- What the hell?
- Oh, cool.

358
00:13:41,140 --> 00:13:43,257
- Is this racism?
- No.

359
00:13:43,607 --> 00:13:45,407
And don't be so excited about it.

360
00:13:45,470 --> 00:13:46,503
Sorry.

361
00:13:47,209 --> 00:13:51,779
We're going back, yeah, yeah.
And front, stop, turn around...

362
00:13:51,804 --> 00:13:53,570
oh, yeah, I can go that way too, buddy.

363
00:13:53,572 --> 00:13:55,770
Jonah, you are the new prank king.

364
00:13:55,771 --> 00:13:58,658
Again, it... it's not a prank.
I'm... I'm teaching Garrett

365
00:13:58,659 --> 00:13:59,743
a lesson.

366
00:13:59,745 --> 00:14:01,912
We're gonna be legends after this.

367
00:14:01,914 --> 00:14:03,905
"Jonah and the Kid"
I bet they'll call us.

368
00:14:06,218 --> 00:14:07,384
Uh-huh.

369
00:14:12,857 --> 00:14:14,894
Oh. Everyone's in the men's room.

370
00:14:15,279 --> 00:14:18,257
- Even some ladies.
- The app can't track us here.

371
00:14:19,090 --> 00:14:20,357
Okay, I'm just gonna...

372
00:14:20,758 --> 00:14:22,691
You know, I actually prefer
this to the break room.

373
00:14:23,168 --> 00:14:24,268
- Excuse me.
- It's cozier,

374
00:14:24,270 --> 00:14:26,503
the lighting's better,
there's a nice little echo.

375
00:14:26,505 --> 00:14:27,704
Whoa, whoops.

376
00:14:27,706 --> 00:14:30,658
Yeah, I just wish it didn't
smell so much like farts.

377
00:14:31,076 --> 00:14:32,597
The break room smelled like farts.

378
00:14:32,637 --> 00:14:35,445
Yeah, but you didn't know
if that was from actual farts.

379
00:14:35,447 --> 00:14:37,281
You could just tell yourself
it was someone's gumbo

380
00:14:37,283 --> 00:14:38,415
or something.

381
00:14:38,417 --> 00:14:40,135
- How's the peeing going?
- Fine.

382
00:14:41,128 --> 00:14:43,328
Really? I can't hear anything.

383
00:14:45,197 --> 00:14:47,430
Guys, I don't think
this is working, either.

384
00:14:47,455 --> 00:14:48,474
Nope.

385
00:14:48,940 --> 00:14:51,655
Do you guys look?
'Cause I would totally look.

386
00:14:53,311 --> 00:14:55,442
Maybe we should do another
lap around the park?

387
00:14:55,467 --> 00:14:57,334
'Cause teens still drink
in the park, huh?

388
00:14:57,336 --> 00:14:59,319
It's what they do, still?

389
00:15:03,782 --> 00:15:05,949
Oh, so you do read your texts.

390
00:15:05,974 --> 00:15:08,145
I'm sorry, it's Jonah.
I thought it was important.

391
00:15:08,147 --> 00:15:10,147
And what did that
androgynous sex robot say

392
00:15:10,149 --> 00:15:11,515
that was so important
you needed to read it

393
00:15:11,517 --> 00:15:12,576
while driving?

394
00:15:13,251 --> 00:15:16,118
"Getting Garrett good."
With a GIF of Nancy Pelosi

395
00:15:16,188 --> 00:15:17,387
clapping from
the Speaker's chair.

396
00:15:17,389 --> 00:15:18,787
Mmm. Totally worth dying for that.

397
00:15:18,812 --> 00:15:22,603
Dina, I am sorry, but you
were texting me so much

398
00:15:22,628 --> 00:15:24,227
that I couldn't even do my work!

399
00:15:24,229 --> 00:15:26,330
You could've just said, "Dina,
you're texting too much!"

400
00:15:26,332 --> 00:15:28,198
Well, I didn't want to hurt
your feelings.

401
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:31,144
And the moment anyone tries to
criticize you, you just explode.

402
00:15:31,145 --> 00:15:33,370
Well, at least people know
where they stand with me, okay?

403
00:15:33,372 --> 00:15:34,571
I don't pretend to be
somebody's friend

404
00:15:34,573 --> 00:15:35,848
and then secretly shut them out.

405
00:15:35,868 --> 00:15:38,342
- It's called honesty.
- Oh, is it honest, Dina,

406
00:15:38,344 --> 00:15:41,125
or is it just you treating people
like garbage and calling it a virtue?

407
00:15:41,126 --> 00:15:42,546
Oh, you're so pathetic.

408
00:15:42,548 --> 00:15:44,548
You're so worried about
having everyone's approval.

409
00:15:44,550 --> 00:15:46,416
I don't care if people like me.

410
00:15:46,418 --> 00:15:48,418
Well, good, because nobody does.

411
00:15:57,277 --> 00:15:58,512
I'm sorry.

412
00:16:00,017 --> 00:16:01,407
I didn't mean that. I...

413
00:16:03,235 --> 00:16:04,434
- Can we...
- Watch out, watch out!

414
00:16:04,436 --> 00:16:05,865
Oh, my God!

415
00:16:06,438 --> 00:16:08,510
- What did I just hit?
- We hit a goose.

416
00:16:09,007 --> 00:16:10,510
Oh, thank God.

417
00:16:11,133 --> 00:16:12,488
We hit a goose.

418
00:16:26,038 --> 00:16:27,130
Hey, man.

419
00:16:27,155 --> 00:16:29,259
Wow, wound a little
tightly there, buddy.

420
00:16:29,261 --> 00:16:31,061
- Everything all right?
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah.

421
00:16:31,063 --> 00:16:32,872
No, you know what?
Uh, everything's not all right.

422
00:16:32,873 --> 00:16:34,164
I think they're spying on our phones.

423
00:16:34,166 --> 00:16:37,234
What? I thought you said
I was the paranoid one.

424
00:16:37,236 --> 00:16:38,702
I thought you were,
but then they started

425
00:16:38,704 --> 00:16:40,922
following me around; they
started searching my stuff.

426
00:16:40,923 --> 00:16:42,305
That woman in the café

427
00:16:42,307 --> 00:16:43,695
who's pretending to read the newspaper?

428
00:16:43,696 --> 00:16:45,108
Nobody reads newspapers anymore.

429
00:16:45,110 --> 00:16:46,309
- I do.
- No, you don't.

430
00:16:46,311 --> 00:16:48,145
- You say you do, but you don't.
- Guys.

431
00:16:48,147 --> 00:16:49,746
Something crazy is happening.

432
00:16:49,748 --> 00:16:51,982
There are men in black suits
swarming the parking lot,

433
00:16:51,984 --> 00:16:53,984
saying things like,
"Quantico, this is Daniels"

434
00:16:53,986 --> 00:16:56,086
and "Uncle Phil is on
the move, I repeat",

435
00:16:56,088 --> 00:16:57,554
Uncle Phil is on the move."

436
00:16:57,556 --> 00:17:00,075
Wow, that is too crazy.

437
00:17:00,076 --> 00:17:02,372
The only question is, who is Uncle Phil?

438
00:17:02,788 --> 00:17:04,594
Probably someone that
looks like Uncle Phil.

439
00:17:04,596 --> 00:17:07,097
It's me!
I look like Uncle Phil!

440
00:17:07,099 --> 00:17:09,061
Man, why'd you do that
stupid Google search?!

441
00:17:09,062 --> 00:17:11,334
- Whoa, calm down.
- No, I'm not gonna calm down.

442
00:17:11,336 --> 00:17:13,161
You calm down.
You're always starting stuff!

443
00:17:13,162 --> 00:17:15,270
"Hey, Garrett, let's Google
how to murder somebody."

444
00:17:15,271 --> 00:17:16,903
Well, you happy now?
What's next?

445
00:17:16,905 --> 00:17:19,172
"Hey, Garrett, let's tell
Zephra to email the police

446
00:17:19,174 --> 00:17:21,108
and tell them I just planted
a bomb in the store!"

447
00:17:21,110 --> 00:17:22,909
Emailing local police.

448
00:17:22,911 --> 00:17:24,578
"I just planted a bomb in the store."

449
00:17:24,580 --> 00:17:26,913
- Oh.
- Would you like to send?

450
00:17:26,915 --> 00:17:27,948
- N...
- Yes.

451
00:17:27,950 --> 00:17:29,182
- What?
- No!

452
00:17:29,184 --> 00:17:31,332
Okay, I've sent your email.

453
00:17:31,987 --> 00:17:32,992
Why?

454
00:17:33,757 --> 00:17:35,856
I just always say yes.

455
00:17:42,273 --> 00:17:43,603
It's mating season.

456
00:17:43,605 --> 00:17:45,438
Her gander must be worried sick.

457
00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:47,240
How do you know it's a she?

458
00:17:47,242 --> 00:17:49,376
The undercarriage. The neck.

459
00:17:49,378 --> 00:17:50,938
The feather loss on the back of her head

460
00:17:50,939 --> 00:17:52,479
where her mate pinned her
down during penetration.

461
00:17:52,481 --> 00:17:53,646
Okay.

462
00:17:57,097 --> 00:18:00,094
Dina, I am sorry that I
said nobody likes you.

463
00:18:00,095 --> 00:18:01,644
That's just not true.

464
00:18:02,002 --> 00:18:03,039
- I...
- It's okay.

465
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,273
I overreacted to the whole muting thing.

466
00:18:05,768 --> 00:18:07,418
I just had a really hard year.

467
00:18:08,402 --> 00:18:09,797
My birds flew away.

468
00:18:10,056 --> 00:18:12,006
My dad turned out to be a big nothing.

469
00:18:12,698 --> 00:18:15,060
I can't even remember the
last time I had a boyfriend.

470
00:18:15,318 --> 00:18:17,785
Even Sandra got married.
Who saw that coming?

471
00:18:18,776 --> 00:18:21,912
Yeah, but she married Jerry, so...

472
00:18:21,937 --> 00:18:23,692
Yeah, I recognize that.

473
00:18:25,629 --> 00:18:27,329
How does it work with geese?

474
00:18:27,331 --> 00:18:29,965
Do you think I can just have this?

475
00:18:29,967 --> 00:18:32,100
Um, I... I don't know.

476
00:18:32,102 --> 00:18:33,520
I... I would ask.

477
00:18:33,771 --> 00:18:35,571
Do you understand how badly
this could have gone?

478
00:18:35,573 --> 00:18:36,772
People could have been shot.

479
00:18:36,774 --> 00:18:38,774
Again, we are so, so sorry.

480
00:18:38,776 --> 00:18:39,841
Yeah, I guess this is what happens

481
00:18:39,843 --> 00:18:41,476
when someone who doesn't
know how to do a prank

482
00:18:41,478 --> 00:18:42,416
tries to do a prank.

483
00:18:42,417 --> 00:18:44,012
Not a prank. It was comeuppance.

484
00:18:44,014 --> 00:18:46,078
It was an attempted comeuppance.

485
00:18:46,079 --> 00:18:47,645
People go to jail for
this kind of thing.

486
00:18:47,851 --> 00:18:49,348
Jonah was the ringleader.

487
00:18:49,426 --> 00:18:51,646
- Seriously?
- I was intimidated.

488
00:18:51,822 --> 00:18:52,921
I'm a very weak person.

489
00:18:52,923 --> 00:18:54,621
I'm gonna let you off
with a warning this time.

490
00:18:54,646 --> 00:18:55,672
But in the future,

491
00:18:55,673 --> 00:18:57,273
you should never joke about bombs.

492
00:18:57,275 --> 00:18:58,507
Right, sorry. Yeah, no, I...

493
00:18:58,509 --> 00:18:59,775
I thought that was just airplanes.

494
00:18:59,777 --> 00:19:03,083
- It's everywhere.
- It's everywhere, Jonah.

495
00:19:12,242 --> 00:19:14,302
So then, okay, we got
to the restaurant...

496
00:19:14,329 --> 00:19:15,342
Three minutes left.

497
00:19:15,343 --> 00:19:16,991
Sweetie, I need to know
if this is going somewhere.

498
00:19:16,992 --> 00:19:18,746
It is! Okay, so then we
get into our booth

499
00:19:18,747 --> 00:19:20,123
and you won't believe who we saw.

500
00:19:20,125 --> 00:19:21,759
We will believe it.
Just hurry up and say it.

501
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:23,884
- Okay, just give me a second!
- We don't have a second.

502
00:19:23,885 --> 00:19:25,108
Two minutes, 30 seconds!

503
00:19:25,109 --> 00:19:26,123
Just jump to the end!

504
00:19:26,124 --> 00:19:27,623
Fine! We get back to the party,

505
00:19:27,625 --> 00:19:28,791
Tish had my necklace,

506
00:19:28,793 --> 00:19:30,626
and K-Fai is making out with Greg!

507
00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:31,527
Who the hell is Greg?!

508
00:19:31,529 --> 00:19:32,795
You would know if you didn't make me

509
00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:33,963
skip to the end of the story!

510
00:19:33,965 --> 00:19:35,191
Oh, my God.

511
00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:37,633
Her heartbeat is stable, so that's good.

512
00:19:37,635 --> 00:19:38,801
She drank some water in the car,

513
00:19:38,803 --> 00:19:40,429
which gives me hope
for her stomach.

514
00:19:40,430 --> 00:19:42,071
She might have a broken leg, so...

515
00:19:42,073 --> 00:19:43,973
I'd like to get an X-ray
while she's still sedated.

516
00:19:43,975 --> 00:19:46,342
An X-ray for a goose?

517
00:19:46,344 --> 00:19:47,556
How much is that gonna cost?

518
00:19:47,557 --> 00:19:49,097
It'll probably be about $250.

519
00:19:49,122 --> 00:19:50,525
$250?!

520
00:19:50,547 --> 00:19:53,763
That's like ten giant buckets of KFC.

521
00:19:54,419 --> 00:19:55,751
Sorry, that sounded really callous.

522
00:19:55,753 --> 00:19:56,686
I don't hate animals.

523
00:19:56,688 --> 00:19:58,955
Yeah, well, most people who hit geese

524
00:19:58,957 --> 00:20:00,089
don't even get out of their cars,

525
00:20:00,091 --> 00:20:01,457
much less bring them to me,

526
00:20:01,459 --> 00:20:03,545
so it's actually nice to see.

527
00:20:03,962 --> 00:20:05,761
Well, I used to have 16 birds,

528
00:20:05,763 --> 00:20:07,663
so I guess you could call me a softie.

529
00:20:07,665 --> 00:20:08,899
16?

530
00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:10,833
Wow, you do not look like someone

531
00:20:10,835 --> 00:20:12,001
who would have that many birds.

532
00:20:12,003 --> 00:20:13,603
The [bleep] is that supposed to mean?

533
00:20:14,911 --> 00:20:18,007
Nothing.
Sorry, I meant to say that I also have

534
00:20:18,254 --> 00:20:19,386
a lot of birds,

535
00:20:19,411 --> 00:20:20,977
and when women

536
00:20:20,979 --> 00:20:22,845
come in here with a lot of birds,

537
00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:25,080
they're usually older
or not as attractive.

538
00:20:25,717 --> 00:20:27,149
I am so sorry

539
00:20:27,151 --> 00:20:28,451
that I said that.

540
00:20:28,453 --> 00:20:30,119
I'm gonna write up
the X-ray thing...

541
00:20:30,121 --> 00:20:33,100
try to do it very soon...

542
00:20:33,491 --> 00:20:35,625
Uh, and your wife?

543
00:20:35,627 --> 00:20:38,232
Or girlfriend, what does she
think about all your birds?

544
00:20:38,257 --> 00:20:39,362
Oh, I'm single.

545
00:20:39,534 --> 00:20:41,464
What about the dudes you
meet on message boards

546
00:20:41,466 --> 00:20:42,898
and then bring home to bone?

547
00:20:42,900 --> 00:20:44,461
Do they like the birds?

548
00:20:44,462 --> 00:20:45,568
I'm not gay.

549
00:20:45,671 --> 00:20:48,537
But I assume gay people also like birds.

550
00:20:48,740 --> 00:20:52,513
Okay, so, radio-graph of a goose

551
00:20:52,538 --> 00:20:54,278
hit by car...

552
00:20:54,746 --> 00:20:56,045
not driver's fault.

553
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,548
Um, I'm gonna go make a call

554
00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:01,684
to my insurance company and see if they

555
00:21:01,686 --> 00:21:03,152
cover bird X-rays.

556
00:21:03,154 --> 00:21:04,971
Oh, they don't.

557
00:21:04,996 --> 00:21:07,662
Well, I'm gonna go do
something else then.

558
00:21:08,415 --> 00:21:11,315
She probably actually is just going to
take a giant dump.

559
00:21:11,758 --> 00:21:13,230
Anyway ah...

560
00:21:13,380 --> 00:21:15,380
I was wondering if maybe you wanted to

561
00:21:15,405 --> 00:21:17,405
walk me through the spaying process?

562
00:21:17,530 --> 00:21:19,530
It's something I've
always been interested in.

563
00:21:20,075 --> 00:21:22,075
For sure!

564
00:21:22,492 --> 00:21:28,500
credits