1
00:00:01,059 --> 00:00:03,594
- Good night, Triangle.
- Good night, Square.

2
00:00:03,663 --> 00:00:07,113
Thanks for showing us
how fun it is to learn.

3
00:00:07,148 --> 00:00:10,452
Do you want to get their pajamas,
or should I...

4
00:00:10,537 --> 00:00:11,649
Ohh.

5
00:00:13,539 --> 00:00:16,875
Next, "Blood Orgy 7:
Rise of the Organ Hoarder."

6
00:00:20,079 --> 00:00:21,282
Aah!

7
00:00:26,318 --> 00:00:27,318
Oh, my God!

8
00:00:27,319 --> 00:00:28,386
Why?!

9
00:00:28,387 --> 00:00:29,654
Why?!

10
00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:41,854
Modern Family S11E14
Spuds

11
00:00:42,701 --> 00:00:44,569
Are you Daniel Boone?

12
00:00:44,670 --> 00:00:46,971
Who's asking?

13
00:00:47,072 --> 00:00:48,806
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

14
00:00:48,831 --> 00:00:50,665
I just came to see Kentucky,

15
00:00:50,690 --> 00:00:52,753
the fifth-largest tobacco producer

16
00:00:52,778 --> 00:00:56,114
and the third-largest coal
producer in the country.

17
00:00:56,215 --> 00:00:58,283
I feel like I am there.

18
00:00:58,384 --> 00:01:00,528
The only thing more painful
than children's theater

19
00:01:00,553 --> 00:01:02,363
is what's going on
with my back right now.

20
00:01:02,388 --> 00:01:05,156
Why can't you take the pills
that the doctor gave you

21
00:01:05,257 --> 00:01:07,158
so that you can enjoy
your son's tour de force?

22
00:01:07,259 --> 00:01:08,726
I just need a little stretch.

23
00:01:08,751 --> 00:01:10,519
Doctors give you pills
for everything today.

24
00:01:10,696 --> 00:01:12,082
Now we need a volunteer.

25
00:01:12,107 --> 00:01:14,308
Mr. Pritchett,
thank you for your enthusiasm.

26
00:01:14,333 --> 00:01:15,833
- What?
- One of our players

27
00:01:15,935 --> 00:01:17,068
has been kidnapped by his stepfather,

28
00:01:17,169 --> 00:01:18,236
but the show must go on.

29
00:01:18,237 --> 00:01:19,413
Place a star on the flag

30
00:01:19,438 --> 00:01:21,239
every time a territory becomes a state.

31
00:01:21,264 --> 00:01:22,731
Seriously, but do the police...

32
00:01:22,756 --> 00:01:25,148
How 'bout a round of applause?!

33
00:01:27,232 --> 00:01:30,001
Faster, please. We're losing them.

34
00:01:30,149 --> 00:01:30,960
Where are you?

35
00:01:30,985 --> 00:01:34,523
You're missing Joe's tribute
to the 50 nifty United States.

36
00:01:35,300 --> 00:01:37,765
I'm at home in bed with the worst cold.

37
00:01:37,790 --> 00:01:39,390
Afraid the whole family's down.

38
00:01:39,415 --> 00:01:42,150
Might've even lost
a few house plants, yeah.

39
00:01:42,328 --> 00:01:44,138
Okay, well, I'm gonna get some rest now.

40
00:01:44,163 --> 00:01:45,863
Alright. Take care.

41
00:01:51,164 --> 00:01:52,003
- Aah!
- Phil!

42
00:01:52,004 --> 00:01:55,273
You told me you sold your dad's RV!

43
00:01:55,298 --> 00:01:57,900
And you told me you were
running your 5-mile loop!

44
00:01:58,153 --> 00:02:00,254
This street is on your 3-mile course,

45
00:02:00,279 --> 00:02:02,146
so who are you really mad at, Claire?

46
00:02:03,649 --> 00:02:05,109
Gloria, we are so sorry,

47
00:02:05,134 --> 00:02:07,402
but we're not gonna be able
to make it to Joe's play.

48
00:02:07,766 --> 00:02:09,667
No, no, Ronaldo's mom, she had...

49
00:02:09,755 --> 00:02:11,562
well, she had emergency surgery,

50
00:02:11,587 --> 00:02:14,559
and, uh, he and Pepper
dropped off their Great Danes

51
00:02:14,584 --> 00:02:16,265
to our place with no warning.

52
00:02:17,728 --> 00:02:19,867
No! No, stay away from that!
Not the vase!

53
00:02:21,168 --> 00:02:23,236
Sorry, Gloria. I gotta go.

54
00:02:23,502 --> 00:02:25,279
You couldn't just say you had a cold?

55
00:02:25,304 --> 00:02:27,205
Oh, yeah, and Abe Lincoln,

56
00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:29,343
he could've said, "87 years ago,"

57
00:02:29,368 --> 00:02:31,109
and Hamlet could've said,
"Maybe I'll kill myself."

58
00:02:31,134 --> 00:02:33,001
No, it's the finishing touches

59
00:02:33,026 --> 00:02:35,656
that separate the merely good
from great, Mitchell!

60
00:02:35,681 --> 00:02:37,749
Sweetie, I know
you're really tense about this...

61
00:02:37,774 --> 00:02:39,393
No, no, no!
Don't jinx it, don't jinx it!

62
00:02:39,418 --> 00:02:40,861
Cam is up for head coach

63
00:02:40,886 --> 00:02:42,821
- at the University of Nor...
- Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup!

64
00:02:44,490 --> 00:02:45,523
Bup, bup!

65
00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,735
Cam is up for head football coach

66
00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:50,195
at the University of
North Central Missouri.

67
00:02:50,296 --> 00:02:51,529
It's his dream job,

68
00:02:51,554 --> 00:02:53,489
and they're supposed to
call him about it today,

69
00:02:53,514 --> 00:02:55,476
and it's making him a little crazy.

70
00:02:55,501 --> 00:02:56,534
In f-fact...

71
00:02:56,612 --> 00:02:58,446
C-Claire's always Dad's favorite,

72
00:02:58,471 --> 00:03:00,071
and I-I'm really miffed about that.

73
00:03:00,096 --> 00:03:02,523
Oh, boy. This again, huh?

74
00:03:02,975 --> 00:03:04,576
Okay. No, go on.

75
00:03:04,677 --> 00:03:06,478
- I'm ready.
- Oh, my God!

76
00:03:06,503 --> 00:03:09,438
- Honey, you look gorgeous! Look at her.
- Ah, sweetie! Oh!

77
00:03:09,463 --> 00:03:11,431
Now, may I give you a piece
of advice from my first date?

78
00:03:11,684 --> 00:03:13,184
Don't say how much
you want to have kids,

79
00:03:13,209 --> 00:03:14,943
and don't cry,
because your makeup will run.

80
00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:16,554
I'm more worried about my date running

81
00:03:16,655 --> 00:03:17,932
when he sees you two there.

82
00:03:17,957 --> 00:03:19,991
You'll barely even notice us, okay?

83
00:03:20,016 --> 00:03:22,084
Just be yourself.
You are... You're so funny.

84
00:03:22,421 --> 00:03:24,262
Okay, tell that funny story

85
00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:26,188
of the old drunk guy who
was kissing the donkey.

86
00:03:26,213 --> 00:03:28,281
Oh, because your family's perfect?

87
00:03:28,610 --> 00:03:30,377
Okay. Oh, my God! That's it!

88
00:03:30,402 --> 00:03:31,402
That's the job!

89
00:03:31,427 --> 00:03:33,060
Where's my phone?! Where's my phone?!

90
00:03:33,085 --> 00:03:35,242
This is the worst thing
that could be happ...

91
00:03:35,471 --> 00:03:37,036
Okay, it's just my mediation app.

92
00:03:40,437 --> 00:03:42,823
Okay, you need to control your man.

93
00:03:42,848 --> 00:03:44,148
If he gets bad news tonight

94
00:03:44,173 --> 00:03:45,820
and melts down in front of Randy,

95
00:03:45,845 --> 00:03:48,456
I can kiss
"kissing him goodbye" goodbye.

96
00:03:48,481 --> 00:03:50,349
Okay, no, I gotcha, I gotcha.
Come on, let's go.

97
00:03:50,456 --> 00:03:52,876
I understand we all
get attached to things

98
00:03:52,901 --> 00:03:54,301
that belonged to our parents.

99
00:03:54,326 --> 00:03:55,393
That's not it.

100
00:03:55,394 --> 00:03:57,414
I'm doing this so you and
I can have some adventures.

101
00:03:57,439 --> 00:03:59,389
Can't you see yourself making
lists and folding shirts

102
00:03:59,414 --> 00:04:01,215
while we drive across
the Golden Gate Bridge?

103
00:04:01,659 --> 00:04:03,244
We're never gonna use this thing.

104
00:04:03,269 --> 00:04:05,689
It guzzles gas,
and it takes an hour to park.

105
00:04:05,714 --> 00:04:06,781
Well, then leave it here.

106
00:04:06,806 --> 00:04:08,150
You've always wanted a guest house.

107
00:04:08,175 --> 00:04:10,576
Not one with seat belts
at the dining table.

108
00:04:13,055 --> 00:04:14,188
No discussion, Dylan.

109
00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:16,548
We're taking them to
see a baby psychiatrist.

110
00:04:16,649 --> 00:04:18,350
Are you still talking
about that crazy movie?

111
00:04:18,451 --> 00:04:19,903
Well, it messed them up!

112
00:04:19,928 --> 00:04:21,162
We took them to the park.

113
00:04:21,187 --> 00:04:22,806
Swing set... bored.

114
00:04:22,831 --> 00:04:23,998
Cute squirrels... snore.

115
00:04:24,023 --> 00:04:25,795
Then an old lady walking her poodle

116
00:04:25,820 --> 00:04:27,335
trips and gets dragged
through a rosebush,

117
00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:28,912
and these two burst out laughing

118
00:04:28,937 --> 00:04:30,396
like two stoners in a tickle fight.

119
00:04:30,421 --> 00:04:31,873
I'm sure you're both overreacting

120
00:04:31,898 --> 00:04:33,483
the way all new parents do.

121
00:04:33,508 --> 00:04:34,742
No, Mom, we're screwing this up.

122
00:04:34,767 --> 00:04:36,468
At the very least, we need help,

123
00:04:36,569 --> 00:04:38,170
like... like an au pair or something.

124
00:04:38,271 --> 00:04:39,304
That's two nannies, right?

125
00:04:39,405 --> 00:04:40,138
- Correct.
- Okay.

126
00:04:40,139 --> 00:04:41,740
Ohh.

127
00:04:41,841 --> 00:04:45,443
Look at how gentle they're
being with that butterfly.

128
00:04:45,630 --> 00:04:47,464
See? You two were worrying for no...

129
00:04:47,971 --> 00:04:49,652
- They're tearing it apart.
- Oh God!

130
00:04:49,677 --> 00:04:52,212
What do you say we leave
the babies with Farrah

131
00:04:52,251 --> 00:04:54,404
and the grown-ups go out and
talk about this over dinner?

132
00:04:54,429 --> 00:04:57,331
Great idea. Oh! Four people, though.

133
00:04:57,356 --> 00:04:59,090
Try fitting that in a regular car.

134
00:04:59,115 --> 00:05:00,320
Wait a minute.

135
00:05:00,345 --> 00:05:03,748
What if we took the R...
You kidding me?!

136
00:05:04,085 --> 00:05:06,086
Remind me to buy some wheel blocks!

137
00:05:09,636 --> 00:05:11,203
Oh, God. Lily needs my help.

138
00:05:13,939 --> 00:05:15,093
What the hell are you doing?

139
00:05:15,118 --> 00:05:17,062
I'm... I'm trying to get her to
tell that funny donkey story.

140
00:05:17,087 --> 00:05:18,554
By making an Eeyore sound?

141
00:05:18,579 --> 00:05:20,714
You know what?
Not all donkeys are depressed.

142
00:05:20,739 --> 00:05:22,072
That's an offensive stereotype

143
00:05:22,104 --> 00:05:25,030
perpetuated by a bunch
of ignorant Iowans.

144
00:05:25,224 --> 00:05:26,500
Oh, my God! My phone's buzzing!

145
00:05:26,886 --> 00:05:27,886
It's just Longinus.

146
00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:30,531
Yeah, we know.
You met Marie Osmond at a Five Guys.

147
00:05:30,556 --> 00:05:31,823
Nobody cares.

148
00:05:33,130 --> 00:05:35,465
My friend said we should try the potato.

149
00:05:35,490 --> 00:05:36,624
- Lily!
- Hey, guys. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

150
00:05:36,848 --> 00:05:37,981
- Hey.
- Hi!

151
00:05:38,006 --> 00:05:39,173
Hey, guys! What are you doing here?

152
00:05:39,198 --> 00:05:41,050
Oh, just taking a break
from scarring our children.

153
00:05:41,205 --> 00:05:41,887
Now, come on.

154
00:05:41,912 --> 00:05:44,077
Haley and Dylan were having
a little bit of a meltdown,

155
00:05:44,102 --> 00:05:45,946
and we thought we'd
hit Spuds one last time

156
00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:46,971
before they close for good.

157
00:05:46,996 --> 00:05:48,250
I know. It's sad, isn't it?

158
00:05:48,275 --> 00:05:50,195
- Remember we used to spend all of our birthdays here...
- Yeah!

159
00:05:50,220 --> 00:05:53,122
- ...and Spuddy Holly would always sing to us.
- Yes! Oh.

160
00:05:53,282 --> 00:05:55,717
? Scalloped, fried, or lyonnaise ?

161
00:05:55,742 --> 00:05:57,825
? Spuds' potatoes amaze ?

162
00:05:57,850 --> 00:05:58,992
? Happy birthday ?

163
00:05:59,017 --> 00:06:00,796
I want to stress that I'm adopted.

164
00:06:00,821 --> 00:06:02,622
Why don't we leave the
lovebirds to their date?

165
00:06:02,647 --> 00:06:03,843
Good idea, but you know what?

166
00:06:03,868 --> 00:06:06,559
Spuds is better with more people,
much like a vehicle.

167
00:06:06,584 --> 00:06:08,485
Let's... Let's see if they can
sit the rest of us together.

168
00:06:08,540 --> 00:06:10,608
- Okay, yeah. Alright.
- Okay.

169
00:06:15,234 --> 00:06:17,836
I'd been following Cam's
competitor for the coaching spot

170
00:06:17,861 --> 00:06:19,378
on Instagram, and...

171
00:06:19,739 --> 00:06:22,741
...he beat Cam out for the job,
which meant, any minute,

172
00:06:22,786 --> 00:06:25,010
Cam would be getting the
devastating news himself.

173
00:06:25,078 --> 00:06:28,013
And I-I-I couldn't rely on the
joyful environment of Spuds

174
00:06:28,038 --> 00:06:29,705
to cushion the blow.

175
00:06:29,882 --> 00:06:31,950
Although, it is famously
where Larry King broke up

176
00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:33,509
with four of his wives.

177
00:06:33,762 --> 00:06:34,895
Cam. Cam.

178
00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:36,660
I-I-I just got some bad news,

179
00:06:36,685 --> 00:06:38,290
and I think it's best
that you hear it from me.

180
00:06:38,391 --> 00:06:39,491
Oh, I heard.

181
00:06:39,516 --> 00:06:40,903
They're out of the Impossible Potato.

182
00:06:41,027 --> 00:06:42,051
Now, I'm sorry,

183
00:06:42,076 --> 00:06:45,072
you advertise the first
potato made entirely of meat,

184
00:06:45,097 --> 00:06:47,098
ya better have enough for everyone.

185
00:06:50,895 --> 00:06:52,753
Please just take those pills.

186
00:06:52,850 --> 00:06:55,222
You're more crooked than
General James Wilkinson

187
00:06:55,247 --> 00:06:57,548
during the Louisiana Purchase.

188
00:06:57,573 --> 00:06:59,241
We're down to the last state.

189
00:06:59,494 --> 00:07:01,361
It's actually better if I move.

190
00:07:03,929 --> 00:07:05,621
Wow. This is gorgeous.

191
00:07:06,074 --> 00:07:07,534
What do you call this place, again?

192
00:07:07,635 --> 00:07:08,802
Pearl Harbor.

193
00:07:16,244 --> 00:07:17,411
Aah!

194
00:07:17,467 --> 00:07:19,785
Save the flag, boys!

195
00:07:28,490 --> 00:07:29,875
Haley, get off your phone.

196
00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:31,644
The babies are fine with Dylan's mom.

197
00:07:31,669 --> 00:07:33,846
If you're feeling tense,
my dad's old foot bath is in the RV.

198
00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:35,572
Plugs right into the cigarette lighter.

199
00:07:35,597 --> 00:07:37,150
Honey, there could be a money volcano

200
00:07:37,175 --> 00:07:39,176
that plugs right into a
white wine fountain in there.

201
00:07:39,201 --> 00:07:40,410
I still wouldn't want it.

202
00:07:40,435 --> 00:07:41,989
I keep remembering things
I forgot to tell her.

203
00:07:42,014 --> 00:07:43,547
My kids are already sociopaths.

204
00:07:43,572 --> 00:07:45,673
I don't need to give them a
strawberry allergy on top of it.

205
00:07:45,774 --> 00:07:47,059
Oh, I completely, totally get that.

206
00:07:47,084 --> 00:07:48,194
Just gonna turn this off.

207
00:07:48,219 --> 00:07:51,121
You know what? Hey, let...
let's all turn off our phones. Come on.

208
00:07:51,222 --> 00:07:53,156
Yeah, you can... No, come on.
Live in the moment.

209
00:07:53,181 --> 00:07:55,249
I mean, appreciate the
fact that we live in a town

210
00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:56,750
with family and friends

211
00:07:56,851 --> 00:07:58,586
all sitting at the same table where...

212
00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:01,871
Oh, yeah, "Eisenhower
planned the D-Day invasion."

213
00:08:01,932 --> 00:08:03,133
Well, that's probably not true.

214
00:08:03,158 --> 00:08:04,225
Sounds like somebody's nervous

215
00:08:04,326 --> 00:08:05,845
about a possible move to Missouri.

216
00:08:05,870 --> 00:08:07,437
No, I'm... I'm just pointing out

217
00:08:07,462 --> 00:08:09,815
that there are a lot of
really great things here.

218
00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:11,074
Like... Like, wouldn't it be a shame

219
00:08:11,099 --> 00:08:13,176
to cut that blossoming
relationship short?

220
00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:15,934
Actually, I'm not so sure how
much I trust that Randy guy.

221
00:08:16,004 --> 00:08:18,057
I mean, what kind of sicko is
attracted to a 12-year-old?

222
00:08:18,082 --> 00:08:19,716
I wonder if his parents
messed him up, too.

223
00:08:19,741 --> 00:08:21,208
You know, I read on a mommy blog

224
00:08:21,233 --> 00:08:23,652
that bad parenting is a direct
link to future criminality...

225
00:08:23,763 --> 00:08:25,312
- and deejaying.
- Okay, you know what?

226
00:08:25,313 --> 00:08:26,580
You two need to be careful

227
00:08:26,681 --> 00:08:29,216
because you can read so
much about how to parent,

228
00:08:29,317 --> 00:08:30,727
you miss out on being one.

229
00:08:30,752 --> 00:08:32,386
Mitchell struggled with that.

230
00:08:32,563 --> 00:08:34,464
Just relax.

231
00:08:34,489 --> 00:08:35,903
Aww, sweetheart.

232
00:08:36,071 --> 00:08:36,958
Oh.

233
00:08:37,019 --> 00:08:38,926
- Did you put hair spray in this?
- Just a little bit, yes.

234
00:08:39,027 --> 00:08:40,294
I'm gonna put some music on.

235
00:08:40,319 --> 00:08:42,120
- No, Cam, I have to go work.
- Dance with her!

236
00:08:42,145 --> 00:08:43,612
- Come on. I don't have time for this.
- Put a little boogie in it.

237
00:08:43,637 --> 00:08:44,965
- No, come on, it...
- ? Stand up ?

238
00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:47,001
Just dance. You know you love this song.

239
00:08:47,026 --> 00:08:48,393
Alright. Okay.

240
00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:50,471
Who's the dancing queen, huh?

241
00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:52,539
?...all over town ?

242
00:08:52,564 --> 00:08:54,192
Put a little boogie in it.

243
00:08:54,217 --> 00:08:56,176
See? Fun.

244
00:08:56,647 --> 00:08:58,064
- Oh, my...
- Was that her head?

245
00:08:58,089 --> 00:09:00,232
Sorry. I forgot how that story ended.

246
00:09:00,257 --> 00:09:02,459
It ended with us in the ER

247
00:09:02,484 --> 00:09:04,918
of one of the best
hospitals in the world.

248
00:09:05,020 --> 00:09:06,587
Nice having that only a mile away.

249
00:09:06,612 --> 00:09:08,645
I'll have you know that the
life expectancy in Missouri

250
00:09:08,670 --> 00:09:10,624
just climbed above Arkansas and Guam.

251
00:09:10,725 --> 00:09:12,645
Okay, give me back my phone.
I'm ordering baby helmets.

252
00:09:12,670 --> 00:09:13,903
Stop worrying.

253
00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:15,763
Kids get bonked all the time.

254
00:09:15,788 --> 00:09:18,043
Do you know how many tumbles Luke took?

255
00:09:19,541 --> 00:09:21,575
I think he wants to go out.

256
00:09:21,903 --> 00:09:23,470
Good boy!

257
00:09:23,571 --> 00:09:25,129
Smart dog.

258
00:09:25,154 --> 00:09:27,408
I hate to break it to you,
but I think all dogs can do that.

259
00:09:27,571 --> 00:09:28,904
I'm gonna play outside.

260
00:09:30,478 --> 00:09:31,779
Ow!

261
00:09:33,095 --> 00:09:34,495
What happened?

262
00:09:34,549 --> 00:09:36,116
And he's fine.

263
00:09:36,369 --> 00:09:37,436
...ish.

264
00:09:37,461 --> 00:09:40,213
I love the guy, but we're aiming
a little bit higher than Luke.

265
00:09:40,238 --> 00:09:42,115
Haley, you kind of want your kids
to get knocked around a little.

266
00:09:42,140 --> 00:09:43,174
It toughens them up for things

267
00:09:43,175 --> 00:09:45,047
that we all go through in adulthood.

268
00:09:45,213 --> 00:09:46,575
Daddy wins!

269
00:09:46,781 --> 00:09:48,682
Do you believe in miracles?!

270
00:09:48,707 --> 00:09:51,024
USA! US...

271
00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:52,083
Oh, no!

272
00:09:52,184 --> 00:09:53,574
Oh, geez!

273
00:09:54,729 --> 00:09:56,229
Oh, my... What was that?

274
00:09:56,254 --> 00:09:57,088
- Was that a person that fell...
- I'm good!

275
00:09:57,089 --> 00:09:58,122
Dad?!

276
00:09:58,123 --> 00:09:59,190
Hey, Dad, think fast.

277
00:10:01,631 --> 00:10:02,797
Aren't you being a little...

278
00:10:06,351 --> 00:10:07,685
But this isn't an emergen...

279
00:10:12,337 --> 00:10:14,725
Now it i-i-i-i-is!

280
00:10:14,750 --> 00:10:16,984
I mean, sure,
I can no longer taste salt, but...

281
00:10:17,009 --> 00:10:18,961
I know that they're going
to get bumps and bruises,

282
00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:21,421
but I'm talking about
psychological scars.

283
00:10:21,446 --> 00:10:23,247
I've had some experience
with that myself.

284
00:10:23,794 --> 00:10:24,882
- Surpri...
- Oh, oh!

285
00:10:25,575 --> 00:10:27,218
No! Oh!

286
00:10:27,319 --> 00:10:28,685
- No!
- No!

287
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:29,822
I'm sorry!

288
00:10:29,857 --> 00:10:31,688
- Nothing's happening!
- Oh, my God!

289
00:10:31,713 --> 00:10:33,214
It still haunts her.

290
00:10:33,239 --> 00:10:35,002
Not to be weird,
but she still won't let me

291
00:10:35,027 --> 00:10:37,096
mention your names
while we're making love.

292
00:10:37,121 --> 00:10:40,164
- Okay.
- Well, well, well.

293
00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:43,352
Yes, well, well, well.

294
00:10:43,377 --> 00:10:45,512
I see your cold is better.

295
00:10:45,613 --> 00:10:47,839
Turns out it was, like,
an allergy... thing.

296
00:10:47,864 --> 00:10:49,950
And Pepper's Great Danes?

297
00:10:50,051 --> 00:10:51,918
Oh, uh, well, you know,
they're big dogs.

298
00:10:51,943 --> 00:10:54,078
They... um, and they don't,
uh, uh, live long.

299
00:10:54,179 --> 00:10:55,246
So they're...

300
00:10:55,551 --> 00:10:56,590
they're dead.

301
00:10:56,731 --> 00:10:58,893
I must look like Frederick Seward

302
00:10:58,918 --> 00:11:00,761
during the Alaska Purchase,

303
00:11:00,786 --> 00:11:03,784
because, apparently,
you think that I'll buy anything.

304
00:11:03,809 --> 00:11:05,232
Gloria, okay, okay.

305
00:11:05,257 --> 00:11:06,891
We're s... We're sorry...
We're sorry we lied to you,

306
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:08,802
but if it makes you feel any better,

307
00:11:08,827 --> 00:11:10,937
Longinus took this
really great photo of you

308
00:11:10,962 --> 00:11:12,930
at the Shakira concert
the night that you missed

309
00:11:12,955 --> 00:11:14,532
Lily's clarinet recital
because of pink eye.

310
00:11:14,813 --> 00:11:15,846
Ohh!

311
00:11:16,668 --> 00:11:18,721
I see that you've been waiting

312
00:11:18,746 --> 00:11:20,215
to spring that attack on me,

313
00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:23,426
just like Andrew Jackson in
the Battle of New Orleans.

314
00:11:23,451 --> 00:11:24,684
Is this my life now?

315
00:11:24,709 --> 00:11:25,943
I'm gonna use the restroom.

316
00:11:25,968 --> 00:11:28,236
Will someone order the
table-side baked potatoes?

317
00:11:28,413 --> 00:11:30,514
I mean, that's half of why
you come here... for the show.

318
00:11:32,075 --> 00:11:34,082
- Public restroom, huh?
- Mm.

319
00:11:34,184 --> 00:11:36,554
Shame he can't go in the
privacy of his own car.

320
00:11:36,592 --> 00:11:39,066
It's true. The RV does have a bathroom.

321
00:11:39,091 --> 00:11:40,858
And a bolted-down Mr. Coffee,

322
00:11:40,883 --> 00:11:42,903
bear-proof undercarriage food bins.

323
00:11:43,170 --> 00:11:44,937
And how many miles
would you say is on it?

324
00:11:45,077 --> 00:11:46,077
Wait!

325
00:11:47,032 --> 00:11:48,599
You're selling her on Craigslist?

326
00:11:48,700 --> 00:11:50,301
And this isn't even a good picture!

327
00:11:50,554 --> 00:11:52,054
This is her bad side!

328
00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:54,214
Hey, look,
I get the value of an RV, Claire.

329
00:11:54,239 --> 00:11:57,727
There is so much natural beauty
to explore here in California.

330
00:11:57,752 --> 00:11:59,252
The Golden State!

331
00:11:59,277 --> 00:12:00,930
Are you really trying to get
out of moving to Missouri?

332
00:12:00,955 --> 00:12:02,298
No, no!

333
00:12:02,323 --> 00:12:06,059
Sounds like what we need
is a Missouri Compromise.

334
00:12:06,084 --> 00:12:08,686
Gloria, are you drugging
Grandpa's Potato-tini?

335
00:12:08,863 --> 00:12:11,031
You saw how bent over he is.

336
00:12:11,056 --> 00:12:13,224
For some reason, he's scared of pills,

337
00:12:13,325 --> 00:12:15,259
and I can't watch him suffer anymore.

338
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:18,062
I hate it when they get cute
with the bathroom signs.

339
00:12:18,239 --> 00:12:19,940
Why would French fries mean ladies

340
00:12:19,965 --> 00:12:21,765
and baked potato gents?

341
00:12:21,790 --> 00:12:23,223
Just throw one of them into a skirt.

342
00:12:23,248 --> 00:12:25,083
So, uh, Dad,

343
00:12:25,108 --> 00:12:27,840
Gloria says that you won't
take pills for your back?

344
00:12:27,865 --> 00:12:29,632
I got to get this from all sides now?

345
00:12:29,951 --> 00:12:32,252
I don't like what they do to me,
alright?

346
00:12:32,277 --> 00:12:34,317
They make me feel super...

347
00:12:34,546 --> 00:12:36,514
Horny? Constipated?

348
00:12:36,615 --> 00:12:37,903
Emotional.

349
00:12:37,928 --> 00:12:40,856
You know, sometimes you can
just ride out a pause, buddy.

350
00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:43,387
Anyway, the pain got so bad,
I broke down.

351
00:12:43,412 --> 00:12:44,764
I took a couple in the men's room,

352
00:12:44,789 --> 00:12:47,358
which is the maximum dose, so strap in.

353
00:12:47,383 --> 00:12:48,450
N-N...

354
00:12:49,739 --> 00:12:51,428
You know, I'm gonna miss this place.

355
00:12:52,487 --> 00:12:54,155
Look, Spuddy Holly!

356
00:12:54,366 --> 00:12:55,866
He just about said it all, didn't he?

357
00:12:56,043 --> 00:12:58,612
"Scalloped, fried, lyonnaise.

358
00:12:58,637 --> 00:13:00,824
Spuds' potatoes do amaze."

359
00:13:03,206 --> 00:13:05,900
- Four pills? Is he gonna be okay?
- He can handle it.

360
00:13:05,961 --> 00:13:08,134
Dad lived through the closet scene
in the '80s.

361
00:13:08,136 --> 00:13:09,169
So did I.

362
00:13:09,194 --> 00:13:11,879
Oh, my God.
He's talking to Lily and Dylan!

363
00:13:12,773 --> 00:13:14,107
I'm Dylan.

364
00:13:14,132 --> 00:13:17,034
You know, Randy,
you remind me of a young me,

365
00:13:17,059 --> 00:13:19,559
prowling Saigon with
a Vietnamese beauty.

366
00:13:19,647 --> 00:13:21,190
- There was this one bar I used to...
- Let's go.

367
00:13:21,215 --> 00:13:23,016
Let's get you some black coffee.

368
00:13:23,117 --> 00:13:25,739
Peekaboo! George! Poppy!

369
00:13:25,764 --> 00:13:27,888
Hello? Is anybody home?

370
00:13:29,467 --> 00:13:32,057
What gives? Mister Napkin usually kills.

371
00:13:32,082 --> 00:13:33,960
- Who wanted coffee?
- Ah, here!

372
00:13:33,961 --> 00:13:35,028
- Ohh!
- Ohh!

373
00:13:35,893 --> 00:13:38,012
They're laughing! See? They're psychos!

374
00:13:38,037 --> 00:13:40,839
Ay! Sorry, mister. Are you okay?

375
00:13:40,864 --> 00:13:43,864
I actually don't feel anything,
which is even more scary.

376
00:13:44,038 --> 00:13:45,772
Don't be scared to feel, buddy.

377
00:13:45,949 --> 00:13:47,550
You could end up running away

378
00:13:47,575 --> 00:13:50,137
from an emotional
situation with your kids,

379
00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:52,964
and those are always the most rewarding.

380
00:13:53,247 --> 00:13:54,481
You ask me, you're lucky.

381
00:13:54,582 --> 00:13:55,982
She dumped me by text

382
00:13:56,007 --> 00:13:57,741
while making out with her old boyfriend.

383
00:13:57,995 --> 00:13:59,395
I broke down crying.

384
00:13:59,420 --> 00:14:01,821
My charcoal ran like mascara.

385
00:14:01,852 --> 00:14:04,286
I had to be comforted by
the other team's mascot.

386
00:14:04,458 --> 00:14:05,520
Lucky?

387
00:14:05,927 --> 00:14:07,394
Aw, I'm not gonna lie to you.

388
00:14:07,495 --> 00:14:11,231
It sucks, and sometimes it's
got to suck for a while.

389
00:14:11,332 --> 00:14:13,533
I just wish I could say some magic words

390
00:14:13,558 --> 00:14:15,593
or give you a hug, make it all go away.

391
00:14:18,649 --> 00:14:20,717
In a way, he raised me.

392
00:14:20,742 --> 00:14:23,210
Pull yourself together, man!

393
00:14:23,544 --> 00:14:24,981
Haley, um,

394
00:14:25,006 --> 00:14:28,770
I think what your...
chemically humanized grandfather

395
00:14:28,795 --> 00:14:30,942
is trying to say is that kids
are built to last.

396
00:14:31,335 --> 00:14:32,715
Sure, they... they go through stuff,

397
00:14:32,740 --> 00:14:34,808
but they survive,
especially when you're around to help.

398
00:14:36,273 --> 00:14:37,773
I miss him.

399
00:14:38,023 --> 00:14:39,379
Yeah.

400
00:14:39,817 --> 00:14:42,118
He was your first real boyfriend.

401
00:14:42,143 --> 00:14:44,624
I keep expecting him to show up.

402
00:14:45,173 --> 00:14:48,175
He used to come by at night,
and I'd sneak out to see him.

403
00:14:48,425 --> 00:14:49,859
Yeah, I know.

404
00:14:49,952 --> 00:14:51,152
You knew?

405
00:14:51,285 --> 00:14:54,270
His car is 30 years old
and doesn't have a muffler.

406
00:14:54,904 --> 00:14:56,337
And he honked.

407
00:14:58,210 --> 00:14:59,511
I loved that car.

408
00:14:59,536 --> 00:15:01,489
I know it hurts now, sweetheart,

409
00:15:02,606 --> 00:15:05,685
but that's how you know it was
a relationship worth having.

410
00:15:11,126 --> 00:15:12,893
Aw.

411
00:15:13,003 --> 00:15:14,436
Well, what happened?

412
00:15:14,461 --> 00:15:15,495
Did he come back?

413
00:15:15,730 --> 00:15:16,981
That...

414
00:15:17,661 --> 00:15:18,894
That was you, buddy.

415
00:15:19,971 --> 00:15:21,338
I love this kid.

416
00:15:21,424 --> 00:15:23,199
I remember when he was a baby.

417
00:15:23,804 --> 00:15:26,426
We met my senior year of high school.

418
00:15:26,451 --> 00:15:28,084
Who does everyone think I am?

419
00:15:28,109 --> 00:15:29,643
You know, it's...

420
00:15:29,668 --> 00:15:33,192
Thing about babies, you...
you fall in love with a baby

421
00:15:33,268 --> 00:15:35,160
with the cutest little fat folds,

422
00:15:35,185 --> 00:15:37,443
and then... bam... they're gone.

423
00:15:37,468 --> 00:15:39,536
But it's okay, because in its place

424
00:15:39,561 --> 00:15:42,081
is this... toddler

425
00:15:42,106 --> 00:15:44,107
with the greatest laugh on Earth.

426
00:15:44,208 --> 00:15:46,410
And then one day, the toddler's gone,

427
00:15:46,435 --> 00:15:48,545
and in its place, a little kid

428
00:15:48,570 --> 00:15:52,440
that asks the most interesting
questions you've ever heard.

429
00:15:52,465 --> 00:15:54,099
And this keeps going on like that,

430
00:15:54,124 --> 00:15:56,625
but you never get the
chance to miss any of them,

431
00:15:56,650 --> 00:16:00,153
'cause there's always a new kid
to take the place of the old.

432
00:16:00,558 --> 00:16:01,992
Until they grow up.

433
00:16:02,093 --> 00:16:05,239
And then... in a moment,

434
00:16:05,264 --> 00:16:07,871
all those kids you fell in love with

435
00:16:08,818 --> 00:16:10,752
walk out the door at the same time.

436
00:16:11,684 --> 00:16:12,717
Jesus.

437
00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:14,414
Oh, I don't mean to be a bummer.

438
00:16:14,439 --> 00:16:16,348
I'm just saying it goes fast.

439
00:16:16,487 --> 00:16:18,520
Like the expression...

440
00:16:18,966 --> 00:16:21,301
"You never know the last
time you pick up your kid."

441
00:16:21,746 --> 00:16:23,246
The point we're making, Haley,

442
00:16:23,271 --> 00:16:25,425
is that it's natural to
worry over your kids.

443
00:16:25,450 --> 00:16:27,417
It... It just means that you love them.

444
00:16:27,518 --> 00:16:30,187
So, I'm always gonna feel like
I screwed them up somehow?

445
00:16:30,288 --> 00:16:31,535
Kind of.

446
00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:33,793
I mean, eventually,
you'll be able to laugh at it...

447
00:16:33,818 --> 00:16:36,965
probably around the time that
you're reassuring your own children

448
00:16:36,990 --> 00:16:38,621
that they didn't screw up their babies.

449
00:16:39,402 --> 00:16:40,463
Thanks.

450
00:16:40,465 --> 00:16:42,410
No, actually, thank you.

451
00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:45,111
It's nice to know, as parents,
that we can still have...

452
00:16:45,136 --> 00:16:45,864
Dad?

453
00:16:45,889 --> 00:16:47,926
I miss picking up my little girl.

454
00:16:47,951 --> 00:16:50,018
And it won't be the last time, damn it!

455
00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:51,717
- Oh!
- You want a piggyback ride, honey?

456
00:16:51,742 --> 00:16:53,043
No. No. No.

457
00:16:53,068 --> 00:16:54,335
- You sure?
- Okay, I'm calling it.

458
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:55,427
Oh, my gosh!

459
00:16:55,452 --> 00:16:56,452
Okay, this is it!

460
00:16:56,477 --> 00:16:57,543
Uh...

461
00:16:57,568 --> 00:16:58,702
Hello?

462
00:17:01,359 --> 00:17:03,186
- The French fries were only okay.
- Sorry about that.

463
00:17:03,211 --> 00:17:05,246
- Took a minute getting Jay to his car.
- Mm.

464
00:17:05,271 --> 00:17:07,339
He saw a cloud that looked
like his old football coach,

465
00:17:07,364 --> 00:17:09,565
- and he didn't want to be alone.
- Ohh!

466
00:17:09,844 --> 00:17:12,112
- Turned out to be kind of a fun night, huh?
- Yeah.

467
00:17:12,213 --> 00:17:13,280
Yeah.

468
00:17:13,457 --> 00:17:15,692
By the way...

469
00:17:15,717 --> 00:17:18,485
I got a response to my Craigslist ad.

470
00:17:18,662 --> 00:17:20,430
Oh. Oh, that was fast.

471
00:17:20,455 --> 00:17:21,434
Yeah.

472
00:17:21,459 --> 00:17:23,159
Yeah, really nice couple,

473
00:17:23,424 --> 00:17:24,934
soon to be empty nesters...

474
00:17:24,959 --> 00:17:27,561
three kids, two new grandkids.

475
00:17:27,662 --> 00:17:29,730
Wife's a little high-strung.

476
00:17:29,831 --> 00:17:31,407
Husband's a bit of an oddball

477
00:17:31,432 --> 00:17:33,233
with an infectious lust for life.

478
00:17:33,258 --> 00:17:35,078
They sound like weirdos. No sale.

479
00:17:35,103 --> 00:17:36,965
Phil, I'm talking about us.

480
00:17:36,990 --> 00:17:38,272
We should keep the RV.

481
00:17:38,373 --> 00:17:40,073
That is amazing.

482
00:17:40,098 --> 00:17:42,166
What changed your mind?

483
00:17:42,191 --> 00:17:45,660
I think it was hearing
all those stories tonight.

484
00:17:45,762 --> 00:17:47,223
And the kids'll be gone soon.

485
00:17:47,248 --> 00:17:49,449
We'll probably spend a
lot of time on the road.

486
00:17:49,474 --> 00:17:52,121
Might as well do it in
the height of luxury...

487
00:17:52,420 --> 00:17:55,707
with a carpeted bathroom and
a four-in-one game table.

488
00:17:55,732 --> 00:17:57,265
- You're incredible.
- Mm.

489
00:17:57,534 --> 00:17:59,435
What did I do to deserve
a wife cool enough

490
00:17:59,460 --> 00:18:02,429
to let me keep my dad's
RV and his newborn parrot?

491
00:18:02,561 --> 00:18:04,574
- His newborn what?
- Mmmmmwah.

492
00:18:05,759 --> 00:18:07,645
- Honey, parrots live like 70 to 8...
- Mmmmmm.

493
00:18:14,175 --> 00:18:16,098
That was not the call I was expecting.

494
00:18:16,123 --> 00:18:18,012
Sweetie, I know.

495
00:18:18,037 --> 00:18:20,538
I-I saw the other coach
celebrating on Instagram,

496
00:18:20,889 --> 00:18:23,426
uh, drenching himself in Gatorade...
in the house.

497
00:18:23,451 --> 00:18:25,319
There was a rug.
Who's gonna clean that up?

498
00:18:25,344 --> 00:18:26,707
Not him, I bet.

499
00:18:26,732 --> 00:18:29,176
I'm reading from your face that you
didn't know until I just told you.

500
00:18:29,201 --> 00:18:30,401
Now I'm just talking out of nerves.

501
00:18:30,426 --> 00:18:31,660
Damn it! I...

502
00:18:32,295 --> 00:18:33,931
I didn't get it?!

503
00:18:33,956 --> 00:18:37,403
I mean, I know I'm hard to read,
but I really wanted that job.

504
00:18:37,428 --> 00:18:39,897
I'm so sorry. C-Come here.

505
00:18:39,973 --> 00:18:41,673
Wait, is that why
you were selling California

506
00:18:41,698 --> 00:18:43,131
all night long to me?

507
00:18:43,156 --> 00:18:45,148
Because you wanted to soften
the blow when I heard?

508
00:18:45,173 --> 00:18:47,731
- Yeah.
- Well, that is weirdly sweet.

509
00:18:47,756 --> 00:18:49,556
- I'll be there in a second.
- Okay.

510
00:18:50,054 --> 00:18:53,656
- Um...
- Just wanted to let you know the donkey story killed.

511
00:18:53,681 --> 00:18:55,315
- Ha ha!
- It totally broke the ice.

512
00:18:55,340 --> 00:18:56,707
We've been having so much fun!

513
00:18:56,732 --> 00:18:58,094
Oh, honey! I'm so happy!

514
00:18:58,119 --> 00:18:59,309
Thanks. Me, too.

515
00:18:59,334 --> 00:19:01,168
He asked if I could go
outside and get ice cream.

516
00:19:01,465 --> 00:19:03,433
- Can I?
- O-Of course, yes.

517
00:19:03,458 --> 00:19:06,093
But just make good choices
about the toppings.

518
00:19:06,094 --> 00:19:08,121
Don't get sprinkles. They're just wax.

519
00:19:09,998 --> 00:19:12,866
Well, now,
there's a small victory at least, right?

520
00:19:12,967 --> 00:19:15,803
First date was a success,
and we get an assist.

521
00:19:15,904 --> 00:19:17,404
S... Uh, sorry... football term.

522
00:19:17,429 --> 00:19:18,830
Eh, except it isn't.

523
00:19:18,855 --> 00:19:20,717
Uh, by the way,
what was that phone call you got?

524
00:19:20,742 --> 00:19:23,215
Oh. Uh crazy.

525
00:19:23,687 --> 00:19:24,988
Our adoption agency.

526
00:19:25,013 --> 00:19:26,246
From years ago?

527
00:19:26,271 --> 00:19:29,941
Y-Yeah, apparently, uh,
they were migrating the database,

528
00:19:29,966 --> 00:19:33,402
and somehow, our profile got
accidentally reactivated and...

529
00:19:33,655 --> 00:19:35,007
and somebody picked us.

530
00:19:35,032 --> 00:19:36,499
Wait, picked us?

531
00:19:36,524 --> 00:19:38,659
A-As in there... there's a baby?

532
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:39,993
I know. Wild, right?

533
00:19:40,018 --> 00:19:41,918
W-Well, you... you told them no?

534
00:19:41,943 --> 00:19:44,044
Well, it felt wrong until
I talked to you about it,

535
00:19:44,069 --> 00:19:46,348
but, yeah, I-I'll... I will.

536
00:19:46,373 --> 00:19:47,373
I'll tell 'em.

537
00:19:49,237 --> 00:19:51,038
It was really fun telling
those stories tonight.

538
00:19:51,063 --> 00:19:51,983
Yeah.

539
00:19:52,008 --> 00:19:53,918
Really puts losing a job in perspective.

540
00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:55,752
You know, none of our best memories

541
00:19:55,777 --> 00:19:57,949
have anything to do with work.

542
00:19:58,119 --> 00:20:00,086
They all have to do with that
little girl right out there.

543
00:20:00,429 --> 00:20:03,067
Well, you know,
she's not so little anymore.

544
00:20:03,818 --> 00:20:06,199
Oh. Oh, I think we're about
to have a hand-holding moment.

545
00:20:10,962 --> 00:20:12,777
You know, we got pretty good
at this parenting thing,

546
00:20:12,802 --> 00:20:13,835
didn't we?

547
00:20:16,642 --> 00:20:20,167
Um... so, uh, we...
we have to tell the agency tonight?

548
00:20:22,083 --> 00:20:26,549
Well, technically,
we have 24 hours to, uh... decide.

549
00:20:26,574 --> 00:20:27,608
Okay.

550
00:20:36,671 --> 00:20:39,011
Jay. I'm sorry.

551
00:20:39,112 --> 00:20:41,059
I will never drug you again.

552
00:20:41,084 --> 00:20:43,792
But it was so nice to see
you so open and honest.

553
00:20:43,817 --> 00:20:46,200
Yeah, I was a regular "Honest Abe."

554
00:20:46,235 --> 00:20:47,252
Who's that?

555
00:20:48,622 --> 00:20:51,123
It's probably good to be
emotional every now and then.

556
00:20:51,148 --> 00:20:54,817
I should probably practice
letting it out without a pill.

557
00:20:54,995 --> 00:20:57,315
Hey, I was proud of you
in that show you did.

558
00:20:57,340 --> 00:20:58,540
I love you!

559
00:20:58,565 --> 00:21:01,391
I know. We had this conversation
four times last night.

560
00:21:01,426 --> 00:21:02,101
Really?

561
00:21:02,102 --> 00:21:05,604
Um, maybe you should check
your call history.

562
00:21:07,307 --> 00:21:08,641
Oh, no.

563
00:21:09,446 --> 00:21:11,213
You inspire me.

564
00:21:11,501 --> 00:21:13,129
And I think I'm rude to you sometimes

565
00:21:13,154 --> 00:21:14,955
because I'm scared of that, Phil.

566
00:21:15,014 --> 00:21:16,598
This is a long way of saying

567
00:21:16,623 --> 00:21:19,239
I think I finally have a best friend.

568
00:21:20,086 --> 00:21:21,687
You inspire me.

569
00:21:22,047 --> 00:21:23,699
And I think I'm rude to you somet...

570
00:21:26,537 --> 00:21:32,539
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com