1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,879 ? It seems today that all you see ? 2 00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:08,174 ? Is violence in movies and sex on TV ? 3 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,510 ? But where are those good old-fashioned values ? 4 00:00:11,511 --> 00:00:14,472 ? On which we used to rely? ? 5 00:00:14,473 --> 00:00:18,184 ? Lucky there's a family guy ? 6 00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:21,604 ? Lucky there's a man who positively can do ? 7 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,189 ? All the things that make us ? 8 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,899 ? Laugh and cry ? 9 00:00:24,906 --> 00:00:30,158 ? He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ? 10 00:00:31,070 --> 00:00:34,077 - Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT - - www.addic7ed.com - 11 00:00:36,078 --> 00:00:39,538 Look at this, Brian. Genderless baby announcement. 12 00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:41,290 "It's a they." 13 00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:42,500 Good for they. 14 00:00:42,501 --> 00:00:45,962 I'm getting my friend a birthday card in Spanish. 15 00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:48,214 But he doesn't speak Spanish. 16 00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:53,511 Oh-ho-ho-ho, he's not gonna know what it says. 17 00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:56,389 - Oh, you're bad. - I know. 18 00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,975 I think I've earned whatever misshapen Reese's product 19 00:00:58,976 --> 00:01:01,351 is by the cashier. 20 00:01:01,352 --> 00:01:04,188 Oh, my God, Brian, look... A Fairuza Balk movie. 21 00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:06,315 - Huh, no way. - Remember last week when I said, 22 00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:07,984 "I wonder whatever happened to Fairuza Balk"? 23 00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:09,694 - I do. - And now this. 24 00:01:09,695 --> 00:01:10,987 The world's crazy. 25 00:01:10,988 --> 00:01:12,488 This looks terrible. 26 00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:14,337 You need to get out of here, Brian. 27 00:01:14,338 --> 00:01:16,659 The urine-soaked hairs on the end of your penis 28 00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:19,161 are very off-putting to the other customers. 29 00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:20,663 That's not urine, that's saliva. 30 00:01:20,664 --> 00:01:22,540 Go on, scoot, get out of here! 31 00:01:22,541 --> 00:01:25,042 Or I'll do the clichéd pharmacy price check jokes. 32 00:01:25,043 --> 00:01:26,585 You wouldn't dare. 33 00:01:26,586 --> 00:01:29,839 Yes, I need a price check on extra-small condoms. 34 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:33,551 That's the last thing he'd want announced. 35 00:01:33,552 --> 00:01:36,679 Oh, my... 36 00:01:38,849 --> 00:01:41,517 Can you believe he threw us out? That's discrimination. 37 00:01:41,518 --> 00:01:43,894 It's just like what happened to those blacks at that Starbucks. 38 00:01:43,895 --> 00:01:45,062 "Those blacks"? 39 00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:46,939 Discrimination is a scourge, Stewie. 40 00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:48,524 It just makes me so angry. 41 00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:49,859 Well, then do something about it. 42 00:01:49,860 --> 00:01:51,444 You know what? 43 00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:52,653 I will. 44 00:01:52,654 --> 00:01:54,697 I'm gonna throw a rock at his window. 45 00:01:54,698 --> 00:01:56,782 Oh, hey, Karmann Ghia. I like those. 46 00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:58,576 All right, here we go. 47 00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:03,873 Thank you, Brian. That was the last Munich gunman. 48 00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:05,207 You're a hero. 49 00:02:05,208 --> 00:02:06,375 A hero? 50 00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:08,753 I-I guess I am a hero. 51 00:02:08,754 --> 00:02:11,255 - Oh, nice! Wonderful! - Great! 52 00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:12,590 - Way to go. - Way to go, doggy! 53 00:02:12,591 --> 00:02:15,634 We are gonna throw you the craziest party. 54 00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:19,138 Do we have a hot two-liter of closet Pepsi? 55 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,974 We do, and I can bring Planters peanuts 56 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:24,060 that were opened a dozen years ago. 57 00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:27,396 Perfect. And I have half a graduation cake 58 00:02:27,397 --> 00:02:29,231 we just have to let thaw. 59 00:02:29,232 --> 00:02:31,817 ? Party, a Jewish party ? 60 00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,402 ? With lots of old food ? 61 00:02:33,403 --> 00:02:35,989 ? In a poorly lit room, oy! ? 62 00:02:40,786 --> 00:02:42,620 Oh, my God, Peter, look at this. 63 00:02:42,621 --> 00:02:45,247 She actually wore this to an awards ceremony. 64 00:02:45,248 --> 00:02:48,084 Huh? Oh, yeah, crazy. 65 00:02:48,085 --> 00:02:50,419 Unreal. Peter, look, look. 66 00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:51,962 Peter, look, Peter. 67 00:02:51,963 --> 00:02:53,589 Flats. 68 00:02:53,590 --> 00:02:55,174 - Hmm? - Flats! 69 00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:56,259 Mm. 70 00:02:57,761 --> 00:03:00,012 Look at this picture of Shailene Woodley. 71 00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:02,765 She's so talented and overrated and weird. 72 00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:05,184 I love her. Isn't her haircut cute? 73 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,852 Maybe I'll get my hair cut short, too. 74 00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:08,479 Wha... N-No. No way. 75 00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:10,272 - I forbid it. - What? 76 00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:12,525 - You can't forbid that. - Yes, I can. 77 00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,944 That's the one thing men are allowed to control about women. 78 00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:16,987 That and your uterus and how much money you make 79 00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:18,197 and also everything else. 80 00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:20,324 - Peter, that's stupid. - It's a fact, Lois. 81 00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:21,784 The only woman that's ever looked good 82 00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:23,619 with short hair is Halle Berry's boobs. 83 00:03:23,620 --> 00:03:24,710 Establishing shot. 84 00:03:24,711 --> 00:03:26,248 - Peter, you can't... - Establishing shot! 85 00:03:30,001 --> 00:03:32,128 We're here with local hero Brian Griffin, 86 00:03:32,129 --> 00:03:35,131 who recently foiled a robbery at Goldman's Pharmacy, 87 00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:37,216 which by the way, is getting its ass kicked 88 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:38,843 by the CVS across the street. 89 00:03:38,844 --> 00:03:40,052 Welcome, Brian. 90 00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:42,179 So, what does it feel like to be a hero? 91 00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:44,515 Well, let me say that even though I am a hero, 92 00:03:44,516 --> 00:03:46,225 you don't have to call me one. 93 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,561 I'm very comfortable with "first responder" 94 00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:50,312 or, if you like, "veteran." 95 00:03:50,313 --> 00:03:51,647 So brave. 96 00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:53,941 How has this incident changed your life? 97 00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:55,818 It hasn't. I'm still the same 98 00:03:55,819 --> 00:03:57,945 humble public servant I've always been. 99 00:03:57,946 --> 00:03:59,405 But there are perks. 100 00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:01,782 This morning, I was honored by a local business. 101 00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:04,827 Thank you, Brian. 102 00:04:04,828 --> 00:04:06,871 And to show our appreciation, 103 00:04:06,872 --> 00:04:09,081 you get the first meal at Quahog's 104 00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:11,000 newest Sizzler location! 105 00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:12,835 Oh. No. 106 00:04:12,836 --> 00:04:15,379 No, no, no, no, no, no. 107 00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,339 - No. - That's fair. 108 00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:19,226 Can you at least read what's on this card? 109 00:04:19,228 --> 00:04:20,342 Sure. 110 00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:23,929 "Sizzler: the worst version of your favorite meal." 111 00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:25,556 So, what's next for you, Brian? 112 00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:27,683 Well, I'll be at Barnes & Noble this afternoon 113 00:04:27,684 --> 00:04:29,226 signing copies of Deepak Chopra's 114 00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:31,562 Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. 115 00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:34,815 Well, congratulations, Brian, and thank you for your service. 116 00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:37,359 Coming up, I get all anxious and weird 117 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:40,529 when the new good-looking intern brings me my coffee. 118 00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:43,741 And here's Jeremy with my go-go juice. 119 00:04:43,742 --> 00:04:44,951 Ha-ha. 120 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:49,955 Man, my phone's been 121 00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:51,540 blowing up since that interview. 122 00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:53,751 You should hear some of my voice mails. 123 00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:55,127 Hello, Brian. 124 00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,879 This is Barack Obama, 125 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:59,423 not the hobo who lives at the wharf. 126 00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:02,551 Um, you did a good job and... 127 00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:03,802 I-I can't read that. 128 00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:04,970 "I'm proud of you." 129 00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:06,388 I'm proud of you. 130 00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:07,890 Thanks for the two dollars. 131 00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:09,558 No way! 132 00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:10,893 Let's hear the next message. 133 00:05:10,894 --> 00:05:12,895 Hey, Brian, it's, uh... 134 00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:14,063 well, it's Shredder. 135 00:05:14,064 --> 00:05:15,564 Remember me? 136 00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:17,775 I know it's been a while, but I saw you on TV 137 00:05:17,776 --> 00:05:19,401 and I'm just hoping we could get together. 138 00:05:19,402 --> 00:05:20,402 I'd love to catch up. 139 00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:22,404 So, uh, uh, call me back. 140 00:05:22,405 --> 00:05:24,823 - Oh, my God! - "Shredder"? 141 00:05:24,824 --> 00:05:27,243 He sounds like a ski instructor with a full beard 142 00:05:27,244 --> 00:05:30,037 who plays average guitar and never texts me back. 143 00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:31,497 He's a dog I used to run with 144 00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:32,915 back when I was living on the street. 145 00:05:32,916 --> 00:05:34,458 Haven't heard from him in years. 146 00:05:34,459 --> 00:05:36,335 I'm actually surprised he's still alive. 147 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,754 He just drank all the time and tried to get laid. 148 00:05:38,755 --> 00:05:40,756 Hard to be friends with someone like that. 149 00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:41,924 Yes, it is. 150 00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:43,259 You gonna see him? 151 00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:44,468 If I have time. 152 00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:45,803 Wow, The Rock! 153 00:05:45,804 --> 00:05:48,097 Boy, they're coming out of the woodwork today. 154 00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:50,099 You're angling your phone so I can't see it. 155 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,350 "Dwayne Johnson." 156 00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,644 Only his friends know that's his real name. 157 00:05:53,645 --> 00:05:55,939 - Still can't see it. - I'll call him back later. 158 00:05:57,110 --> 00:05:59,317 Ow! 159 00:06:04,155 --> 00:06:07,157 Excuse me, sir, but this is a private residence. 160 00:06:07,158 --> 00:06:08,951 Peter, it's me. 161 00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:11,203 I got my hair cut. Isn't it fun? 162 00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:13,497 What? No, Lois, it's not fun. 163 00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:15,624 You look like Anne Hathaway in Les Misera... 164 00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:18,836 Don't you ever compare me to (BLEEP) Anne Hathaway. 165 00:06:18,837 --> 00:06:20,462 - Ever! - You're right, you're right. 166 00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:23,007 I'm-I'm sorry. 167 00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:25,009 With my boobs and your hair, 168 00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:27,596 everybody's gonna think we're a lesbian couple. 169 00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:32,516 Why'd he want to meet in the park? 170 00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:35,144 We used to live here. I'm assuming he still does. 171 00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:49,867 Brian, ha! 172 00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:51,493 So good to see you. 173 00:06:51,494 --> 00:06:53,579 Wha... Shredder? 174 00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:54,955 Is it really you? 175 00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:56,373 It's really me. 176 00:06:56,374 --> 00:06:58,709 I-I don't... What is all this? 177 00:06:58,710 --> 00:07:01,003 Yeah, sorry about meeting in the park. 178 00:07:01,004 --> 00:07:02,921 It's the only place I can land this thing. 179 00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:04,256 Uh, Shredder, I think you pinned 180 00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:06,216 Tom Cruise under your helicopter. 181 00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:08,844 I was hanging on. I do all my own stunts. 182 00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:10,262 I can't stop doing stunts. 183 00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:12,056 My whole life is a stunt. 184 00:07:12,057 --> 00:07:13,308 Yeah, yeah, we know. 185 00:07:17,854 --> 00:07:20,064 Hey, you want to take a personality test? 186 00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:21,857 Same answer as always: no, thank you. 187 00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:23,067 I'm not gonna stop asking. 188 00:07:23,068 --> 00:07:24,443 - I know. - Good to see you, Stewie. 189 00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,028 Good to see you, Tiny Tom Cruise. 190 00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:27,696 - Thank you. - He likes to have the last word. 191 00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:28,864 Be well! 192 00:07:28,865 --> 00:07:30,617 - See? - Bye! 193 00:07:48,218 --> 00:07:50,469 Shredder, I-I can't get my head around all this. 194 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:53,263 Eh, it took me a while, too, believe me. 195 00:07:53,264 --> 00:07:55,891 And I go by George Townshend now. 196 00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:57,690 Oh, okay, George. 197 00:07:57,691 --> 00:07:59,269 George Townshend. 198 00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:01,939 - You-you want me to say both? - I do. 199 00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:03,774 You know how Beyoncé does the one-name thing? 200 00:08:03,775 --> 00:08:06,735 I do a two-name thing. It's one more than Beyoncé. 201 00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:09,781 Why don't you take her name out of your filthy whore mouth. 202 00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:13,409 Wow! How'd you get all this? 203 00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:15,077 I worked my ass off. 204 00:08:15,078 --> 00:08:18,080 I'm a tech entrepreneur, I've written 11 best-selling books, 205 00:08:18,081 --> 00:08:20,499 and I was the NBC executive who suggested 206 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,293 we assault the nation with Chicago-themed programming. 207 00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:25,963 I hear they're working on Chicago Seinfeld. 208 00:08:25,964 --> 00:08:29,133 What's the deal with the South Side of this town? 209 00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:31,093 Don't say it, Kramer. 210 00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:41,103 So, Brian, do you want to know how I did all this? 211 00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:42,188 I really do. 212 00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:46,022 I got neutered. 213 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:48,777 But why? 214 00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:50,863 Getting neutered eliminated all distractions 215 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:53,782 and allowed me to focus solely on my work. 216 00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:56,785 Sometimes you have to literally cut out the things 217 00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:58,245 that hold you back. 218 00:08:58,246 --> 00:09:00,122 Man, with no distractions, 219 00:09:00,123 --> 00:09:02,833 I could just spend all day in here reading. 220 00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:06,503 I love that book Charles Dickens by David Copperfield. 221 00:09:06,504 --> 00:09:09,007 Writing was his real magic. 222 00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:14,011 I just don't understand. 223 00:09:14,012 --> 00:09:15,804 One minute, I got a hot ginger wife, 224 00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,723 and the next I'm married to Ron Weasley. 225 00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:21,143 Donna wears a wig, so I've never even seen her real hair. 226 00:09:21,144 --> 00:09:23,896 But I would imagine it looks like an old, faded sweater 227 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,981 that needs to be de-pilled. 228 00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:27,816 I haven't touched Bonnie's hair in years. 229 00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:29,401 It's way high up there. 230 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,195 Well, since Lois did something to her appearance 231 00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:32,821 that you don't like, you should do something 232 00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:34,990 to your appearance that she doesn't like. 233 00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:37,910 Quagmire, that is pathetically shallow and vindictive. 234 00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:39,369 I love it! 235 00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:41,163 I'm gonna make myself harder to ignore 236 00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:43,205 than an amateur photographer. 237 00:09:43,206 --> 00:09:44,583 Okay, this is hilarious. 238 00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,001 So I'm sitting in my office at work 239 00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:47,503 when the fire alarm goes off... 240 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,005 Um, what-what, what was I saying? 241 00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:51,256 Fire alarm. 242 00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:52,841 Right, right, right, okay. This is so funny. 243 00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:54,343 So, the fire alarm goes off... 244 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,095 Hey, hey, friend? 245 00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:58,514 Friend? Friend? 246 00:09:58,515 --> 00:10:01,391 Can-can you just... n-not-not right now? 247 00:10:01,392 --> 00:10:02,518 Now, where was I? 248 00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:05,020 - Fire alarm at work. - Oh, right. 249 00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:06,772 You know what? Just forget it. 250 00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:08,900 The punch line is it was 9/11. 251 00:10:10,902 --> 00:10:12,987 Well, yeah, it's not funny now. 252 00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,450 Scoot over, Stewie. 253 00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,619 George Townshend was wrong, and I'm gonna prove it. 254 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,704 I don't need to get neutered to be productive. 255 00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:24,873 I'm gonna write an inspirational book 256 00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:26,542 about my life, and I'm calling it 257 00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:28,085 The Holy Bri-ble. 258 00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:30,546 - Please don't. - Here we go, blank page. 259 00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:33,007 World of possibilities. 260 00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:35,884 And you're watching porn. 261 00:10:35,885 --> 00:10:37,302 Oh, my God! 262 00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:39,888 Two clicks and I instinctually went right to porn. 263 00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:41,723 Maybe George Townshend was right. 264 00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:43,392 Maybe I am easily distracted. 265 00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:44,893 Oh, don't be so hard on yourself. 266 00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:46,562 It's okay to be easily distracted. 267 00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,397 That's what's saved Warren Beatty 268 00:10:48,398 --> 00:10:50,149 and Annette Bening's marriage. 269 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,570 Annette, let's have sex. 270 00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:57,406 Or you could watch Blue Bloods 271 00:10:57,407 --> 00:10:59,408 and have a pudding cup. 272 00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:01,035 Hmm? 273 00:11:03,746 --> 00:11:06,374 Mmm. Go get 'em, Blue Bloods. 274 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,504 Good evening, Lois. 275 00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:14,965 Oh, my God, Peter, what the hell are you wearing? 276 00:11:14,966 --> 00:11:16,133 Jeans. 277 00:11:16,134 --> 00:11:18,552 Just jeans. You like it? 278 00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:21,763 No. You look like you're going to a custody hearing in Florida. 279 00:11:21,764 --> 00:11:22,973 Oh, really? 280 00:11:22,974 --> 00:11:25,017 Because I think it's a "fun" look. 281 00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:26,268 Just like your hair. 282 00:11:26,269 --> 00:11:28,520 Okay, I see what you're doing. 283 00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:31,148 Good. So we agree that your haircut is stupid. 284 00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:33,692 What? No. I love my haircut. 285 00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:35,235 Then I love this look. 286 00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:37,446 As a matter of fact, I'm gonna add 287 00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:40,198 this free Fandango golf visor I got 288 00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:42,242 when I snuck in to see I Feel Pretty. 289 00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:43,785 Fine. 290 00:11:43,786 --> 00:11:46,538 You want a war, Peter? Let's go to war. 291 00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:47,789 Let's do it. 292 00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:51,501 Tallahassee Family Court calls Peter Griffin. 293 00:11:51,502 --> 00:11:52,628 Here, Your Honor. 294 00:11:52,629 --> 00:11:55,339 Ho-ho, look who's all dressed up. 295 00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:57,759 I just want Skylar back! 296 00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:05,307 Tesla, Apple, SpaceX, 297 00:12:05,308 --> 00:12:08,685 Kendrick Lamar, drone technology, Hemingway. 298 00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:12,189 Wow. That was the coolest phone call I've ever heard. 299 00:12:12,190 --> 00:12:13,482 My life is pretty cool. 300 00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:16,109 Brian, walk with me. 301 00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:18,320 You know, I wish I could spend more time with you today, 302 00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:20,656 but I'm late for a video conference with 303 00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:23,326 Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega. 304 00:12:24,827 --> 00:12:26,915 Listen, I need to talk to you about something. 305 00:12:26,916 --> 00:12:29,414 I was thinking about what you said the other day, and... 306 00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:31,875 - I think you might be right. - About what? 307 00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:34,336 I've always believed I was destined for a life like yours, 308 00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:36,338 but something was holding me back, 309 00:12:36,339 --> 00:12:39,697 and now I realize it was two things. 310 00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:42,804 - My balls are the things... - No, I got it. 311 00:12:42,805 --> 00:12:45,515 George Townshend, I want to get neutered. 312 00:12:47,097 --> 00:12:48,809 I'm proud of you, buddy. 313 00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,102 It's gonna be great. 314 00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:52,062 I'll finally be able to beat that guy 315 00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:54,107 who fights dirty in my karate class. 316 00:12:57,026 --> 00:12:58,694 Surprise. 317 00:12:58,695 --> 00:13:00,028 Now take this. 318 00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:01,571 Hiy... 319 00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:03,532 You can't use a sword! 320 00:13:03,533 --> 00:13:05,242 Sensei Dan, he's using a sword! 321 00:13:05,243 --> 00:13:07,537 No swords, guys. 322 00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:17,129 Brian, are you sure about getting neutered? 323 00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,923 I am. You've seen everything George Townshend's accomplished. 324 00:13:19,924 --> 00:13:21,675 That's the life I've always dreamed of. 325 00:13:21,676 --> 00:13:24,094 Yes, but how much do you really know about him? 326 00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:26,430 - Have you read his books? - Of course I've read his books. 327 00:13:26,431 --> 00:13:27,973 They changed my life. 328 00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:29,891 Look, Stewie, this is a huge step for me, 329 00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:31,476 and if you can't support me, 330 00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:34,105 well, then maybe I should cut you out of my life, too. 331 00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:36,898 Brian, that's a closet. 332 00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:38,901 I know. I have stuff to do in here. 333 00:13:50,371 --> 00:13:52,289 Well, nothing left to do but binge-watch 334 00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:54,958 - Ken Burns' History of Jazz. - What? 335 00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:57,836 The rhythmic drums of the Congo. 336 00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:01,590 300 years later, Charlie Bird Parker. 337 00:14:01,591 --> 00:14:03,425 But how did we get there? 338 00:14:10,391 --> 00:14:12,642 Lois, what are you doing here? 339 00:14:12,643 --> 00:14:15,103 Did someone die? Do I get to go home early? 340 00:14:15,104 --> 00:14:18,440 Well, Peter, since you were having that jeans fun, 341 00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:20,859 I thought it might be fun to come by and sell 342 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:24,196 some of my homemade jewelry to your coworkers during lunch. 343 00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:26,531 What? Lois, you can't do that. 344 00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:28,617 Once a guy's wife sells something in the break room, 345 00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:30,285 no one ever looks at him the same. 346 00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:32,287 Two years ago, Bentley's wife made him hang 347 00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:34,664 a sign-up sheet to sponsor her in an AIDS walk, 348 00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:36,166 and we've hated him ever since. 349 00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:37,571 Don't look at me, Bentley. 350 00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:40,212 Well, Peter, all you have to do 351 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,297 is say you like my haircut, and I'll leave. 352 00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:44,424 - Never. - Suit yourself. 353 00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:47,385 Everyone, I'm Peter Griffin's wife. 354 00:14:47,386 --> 00:14:49,638 I took a jewelry-making class last month 355 00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:51,640 with a group of preschool moms, 356 00:14:51,641 --> 00:14:54,310 and now I'm gonna do it as a career. 357 00:15:01,692 --> 00:15:04,027 Hey, you want a half of my sandwich? 358 00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:05,987 Oh. Yeah. Very cool, Bentley. 359 00:15:05,988 --> 00:15:08,198 - Who made this? - My wife. 360 00:15:08,199 --> 00:15:10,826 - Oh, y-your wife with AIDS? - She doesn't have AIDS. 361 00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:13,078 She did a walk for people with AIDS. 362 00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:15,914 But presumably there were people who had AIDS at the walk? 363 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,374 Yeah, but you can't get... 364 00:15:17,375 --> 00:15:19,210 Yeah, it's a no on the sandwich, Bentley. 365 00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,464 Greetings, Lois. 366 00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:26,591 Oh, my God, Peter, you're gonna make me vomit. 367 00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:28,510 I'm just getting in some 'cize. 368 00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:31,347 That's what I call exercise now: 'Cize. 369 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:36,852 Oh, God, Peter, please put that thing 370 00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:38,478 in the garage and change your clothes. 371 00:15:38,479 --> 00:15:39,855 Oh, I'd be happy to, Lois. 372 00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:41,523 But I'm not doing it because you said. 373 00:15:41,524 --> 00:15:43,525 I'm doing it because of the mean seventh graders 374 00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:45,694 who have been chucking footballs at me all day. 375 00:15:45,695 --> 00:15:48,864 There he is! Let's get that fat dork! 376 00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:50,782 I'm home! Home is safe! 377 00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:53,244 Home is safe! 378 00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:02,210 I see you found all of George Townshend's books. 379 00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:03,545 That was fast. 380 00:16:03,546 --> 00:16:05,505 Yep, got my own system. 381 00:16:05,506 --> 00:16:07,716 I call it "The Stewie Decimal System." 382 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:13,555 Oh, Stewie, you're gonna make me spit out my saltwater taffy. 383 00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:18,584 Oh, my God! 384 00:16:18,585 --> 00:16:20,061 Brian's in trouble! 385 00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:23,190 Stewie, I've got to have you around here more often. 386 00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:26,832 Oh, I think you'll find me here... periodically. 387 00:16:27,904 --> 00:16:30,531 There's homeless sperm on this. 388 00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:39,956 - Where are the glasses? - I moved them. 389 00:16:39,957 --> 00:16:41,208 What? Why? 390 00:16:41,209 --> 00:16:42,417 I moved everything. 391 00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:44,753 All the glasses, the bowls, the plates. 392 00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:47,528 Nothing is where it's been for the past 17 years. 393 00:16:47,529 --> 00:16:48,589 Nothing. 394 00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:52,761 I'm gonna become a deejay. 395 00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:55,555 I'm going to hire a life coach. 396 00:16:55,556 --> 00:16:57,641 I'm gonna make one political donation 397 00:16:57,642 --> 00:17:00,435 with your e-mail address so you'll be screwed for life. 398 00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:03,563 I'm going to rededicate my life to Christ. 399 00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:04,981 Oh, that's really bad. 400 00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:07,317 I'm gonna start a podcast that has no focus 401 00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:09,694 and it'll take up an inordinate amount of time. 402 00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:12,614 I'm going to constantly complain about my fibromyalgia. 403 00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:15,116 - You don't have fibromyalgia. - No one does! 404 00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:18,203 Every time a waiter tells me their name, I'm gonna use it. 405 00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:21,790 I'm gonna get really into Halloween, like, really into it! 406 00:17:21,791 --> 00:17:24,125 Gross. I'm gonna wear a denim shirt 407 00:17:24,126 --> 00:17:26,169 with the Looney Tunes guys embroidered on it 408 00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:28,005 to church every Sunday. 409 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,636 Oh, Peter. Oh, Peter. 410 00:17:37,807 --> 00:17:41,476 So, what do you think of my haircut now? 411 00:17:41,477 --> 00:17:43,354 It's ugly. I hate it. 412 00:17:48,943 --> 00:17:51,319 - How you feeling, buddy? - Good. 413 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,571 Nervous but strangely excited. 414 00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:55,865 I haven't been totally honest with you. 415 00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:57,325 I was never neutered. 416 00:17:57,326 --> 00:17:58,910 But you're about to be. 417 00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:00,328 What? No! 418 00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:02,163 Save me, Sensei Dan! 419 00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:04,959 No neutering, guys. 420 00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:13,008 Why are you doing this? 421 00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:14,676 What did I do to you that was so bad? 422 00:18:14,677 --> 00:18:16,136 You abandoned me. 423 00:18:16,137 --> 00:18:18,513 You promised we'd be there for each other forever. 424 00:18:18,514 --> 00:18:20,432 Then the minute Peter Griffin came along, 425 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,183 you just got in his car and left me. 426 00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:24,602 I was gonna come back and get you, and-and then, 427 00:18:24,603 --> 00:18:27,105 and then Trump happened and-and all that... 428 00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:28,273 Liar! 429 00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:30,233 I've wanted to cut your balls off for years, 430 00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:32,610 but the fact that you're choosing to do it yourself 431 00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:34,529 is so much more satisfying. 432 00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:36,614 But I'm not choosing to do it myself. 433 00:18:36,615 --> 00:18:37,910 I love my balls. 434 00:18:37,911 --> 00:18:40,328 They smell awful. 435 00:18:54,925 --> 00:18:56,551 Stay back! 436 00:18:56,552 --> 00:18:59,929 Stewie. Y-You saved me. 437 00:18:59,930 --> 00:19:01,598 Oh. 438 00:19:01,599 --> 00:19:03,892 - Well, almost. - What is it? 439 00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:05,727 Oh, my God, they got one! 440 00:19:05,728 --> 00:19:07,729 Or you still have one. 441 00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:10,065 Maybe you should be a scrotum half-full guy. 442 00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:11,816 How did you know what he was doing? 443 00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:13,943 I read his book. 444 00:19:13,944 --> 00:19:15,904 "There is no greater motivation 445 00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:18,031 "than the destruction of an enemy, 446 00:19:18,032 --> 00:19:20,658 "and my enemy is Brian Griffin. 447 00:19:20,659 --> 00:19:23,828 "One day, I will convince him to cut off his own balls, 448 00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:26,581 and that will be my greatest accomplishment." 449 00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:28,750 You said his books changed your life, 450 00:19:28,751 --> 00:19:30,418 but you didn't even read them. 451 00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:32,587 This is why you're nothing. 452 00:19:32,588 --> 00:19:34,126 I'm sorry, okay? 453 00:19:34,127 --> 00:19:35,507 Yes, I abandoned you. 454 00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:37,467 And I didn't go back to find you. 455 00:19:37,468 --> 00:19:39,260 I'm a bad friend, I admit it. 456 00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:41,721 But did you ever think that you should be thanking me? 457 00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:43,807 Thanking you? For what? 458 00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:45,392 For everything you have. 459 00:19:45,393 --> 00:19:48,770 Your hatred for me is what motivated you your whole life. 460 00:19:48,771 --> 00:19:51,356 Without me, none of this would've been possible. 461 00:19:51,357 --> 00:19:52,650 I made you. 462 00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:55,944 You've already got one of my balls. 463 00:19:55,945 --> 00:19:56,986 Isn't that enough? 464 00:19:56,987 --> 00:19:59,114 You know what, Brian? 465 00:19:59,115 --> 00:20:00,824 It is enough. 466 00:20:00,825 --> 00:20:03,201 You'll probably keep it in a trophy case or something. 467 00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:05,161 Oh, no. I ate it already. 468 00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:06,996 Dogs are gross. 469 00:20:10,251 --> 00:20:12,794 Thank you, Stewie. You really saved me. 470 00:20:12,795 --> 00:20:14,838 My pleasure, Brian. 471 00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:17,215 Well, the good news is we can give you a prosthetic. 472 00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:18,842 The bad news is 473 00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:21,928 it's one of the bells from a jester's hat. 474 00:20:21,929 --> 00:20:23,471 There's no brain activity, 475 00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:25,640 so we're gonna harvest his bells. 476 00:20:25,641 --> 00:20:27,225 We understand. 477 00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:28,643 Why did the king 478 00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:31,647 have to hit him so hard?! 479 00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:42,031 So, anyone want to ask me about my week? 480 00:20:42,032 --> 00:20:45,077 Kind of a big week for the Megster. 481 00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,872 Big envelope in the mail. 482 00:20:48,873 --> 00:20:51,666 Yep, early admittance. 483 00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:54,043 Day one, August 26, clean slate. 484 00:20:54,044 --> 00:20:55,378 Closing credits. 485 00:20:55,379 --> 00:20:57,755 Congratulations on Bowdoin, Meg! 486 00:20:57,756 --> 00:21:00,550 - Closing credits! - Oh, we're done?