1
00:00:02,779 --> 00:00:04,279
You've got to admit

2
00:00:04,336 --> 00:00:07,325
things are going pretty well
since I took over.

3
00:00:07,379 --> 00:00:09,246
Certainly a lot smoother lately.

4
00:00:09,302 --> 00:00:11,135
And based on my surveillance,

5
00:00:11,171 --> 00:00:13,437
our four humans don't suspect anything.

6
00:00:13,472 --> 00:00:15,606
Yeah, because we're killing it.

7
00:00:15,641 --> 00:00:17,208
Whoo-hoo-hoo.

8
00:00:17,243 --> 00:00:18,441
You sure are.

9
00:00:18,488 --> 00:00:19,843
Here are the torture ideas

10
00:00:19,878 --> 00:00:22,612
you asked me to write up for next week.

11
00:00:24,316 --> 00:00:25,615
So long.

12
00:00:25,650 --> 00:00:26,850
You're not supposed to be torturing me.

13
00:00:26,885 --> 00:00:29,186
From now on, make all your memos

14
00:00:29,221 --> 00:00:31,654
one page max with pictures.

15
00:00:31,690 --> 00:00:32,956
Also, Quinston over here

16
00:00:32,991 --> 00:00:35,124
already came up with a sick idea

17
00:00:35,159 --> 00:00:36,292
for how to torture Tahani.

18
00:00:36,327 --> 00:00:37,827
Tell him, babe.

19
00:00:37,862 --> 00:00:39,628
We're going to have Tahani throw a party

20
00:00:39,663 --> 00:00:41,130
for Gunnar's birthday,
but no one will show up

21
00:00:41,165 --> 00:00:43,465
because we'll also be throwing a party,

22
00:00:43,500 --> 00:00:44,666
and it will be way better.

23
00:00:44,702 --> 00:00:46,202
Boom.

24
00:00:46,237 --> 00:00:48,537
Where do you get these incredible ideas?

25
00:00:48,572 --> 00:00:49,972
Oh, that one just came to me.

26
00:00:50,007 --> 00:00:51,340
It just like popped
right into my noodle.

27
00:00:51,375 --> 00:00:54,008
Yeah, that's right.

28
00:00:54,044 --> 00:00:55,643
Up top!

29
00:00:55,678 --> 00:00:56,811
So that's their plan.

30
00:00:56,847 --> 00:00:58,880
This doesn't seem so bad.

31
00:00:58,915 --> 00:01:01,049
It really tucks my nuggets.

32
00:01:01,084 --> 00:01:02,650
I worked so hard on my torture ideas,

33
00:01:02,685 --> 00:01:05,086
and theirs are so basic.

34
00:01:05,121 --> 00:01:07,989
These millennials,
they have no work ethic.

35
00:01:08,024 --> 00:01:10,824
Oh, sorry, a millennial is someone

36
00:01:10,860 --> 00:01:13,656
who has only been torturing
people for a thousand years.

37
00:01:14,158 --> 00:01:15,357
A millennial.

38
00:01:15,382 --> 00:01:20,377
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

39
00:01:21,871 --> 00:01:23,503
Okay. Coast is clear.

40
00:01:23,538 --> 00:01:25,538
Not a demon in sight.

41
00:01:25,574 --> 00:01:27,039
Except for, you know...

42
00:01:27,075 --> 00:01:28,774
Is that what we should
call you? "Demon"?

43
00:01:28,809 --> 00:01:30,676
Well, I mean, it's not really accurate,

44
00:01:30,711 --> 00:01:33,579
and we consider it
to be a little racist.

45
00:01:33,614 --> 00:01:34,947
But it's fine.

46
00:01:34,983 --> 00:01:35,948
Well, um,

47
00:01:35,984 --> 00:01:37,850
let's start our first lesson.

48
00:01:37,886 --> 00:01:40,019
Tahani and Jason will have to make it up

49
00:01:40,054 --> 00:01:42,355
since they're both off
being fake-tortured.

50
00:01:42,390 --> 00:01:43,889
All right.

51
00:01:43,924 --> 00:01:45,357
Well, I've read everything
on your syllabus,

52
00:01:45,392 --> 00:01:47,125
and how do I put this delicately?

53
00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:48,693
It's all, ah,

54
00:01:48,728 --> 00:01:49,961
stupid garbage.

55
00:01:49,997 --> 00:01:52,230
Look, we have to start somewhere.

56
00:01:52,266 --> 00:01:54,432
So how about Socrates?

57
00:01:54,467 --> 00:01:55,867
All right, all right.

58
00:01:55,903 --> 00:01:59,271
Let me just get into
the mind-set of a human.

59
00:01:59,306 --> 00:02:00,971
"Oh, I'm a human,

60
00:02:01,007 --> 00:02:03,774
"and my breathing tube
is next to my eating tube.

61
00:02:03,809 --> 00:02:05,242
"Oh, and look,

62
00:02:05,278 --> 00:02:08,212
my arms end in stupid little sticks."

63
00:02:08,247 --> 00:02:09,413
Okay.

64
00:02:09,448 --> 00:02:10,547
Proceed.

65
00:02:10,582 --> 00:02:11,748
Good.

66
00:02:11,784 --> 00:02:13,951
This is so depressing.

67
00:02:13,986 --> 00:02:16,453
I'm being forced to throw
a party that I know will fail.

68
00:02:16,488 --> 00:02:17,586
That's why they're doing this.

69
00:02:17,622 --> 00:02:19,322
It's what you're best at.

70
00:02:19,357 --> 00:02:22,058
Just like I'm the best
at getting empty water bottles

71
00:02:22,093 --> 00:02:23,726
to stay on the roof of a Pizza Hut.

72
00:02:23,761 --> 00:02:25,395
You know what?

73
00:02:25,430 --> 00:02:27,397
I am the best at planning parties.

74
00:02:27,432 --> 00:02:29,098
Vicky may be some demonic torturer

75
00:02:29,134 --> 00:02:31,467
from the netherworld,
but does she have taste?

76
00:02:31,502 --> 00:02:32,835
Sophistication?

77
00:02:32,870 --> 00:02:34,436
An encyclopedic knowledge of traditional

78
00:02:34,471 --> 00:02:35,770
and avant-garde Belgian floral design?

79
00:02:35,806 --> 00:02:38,740
Yes! She does.

80
00:02:38,775 --> 00:02:40,943
No. She doesn't.

81
00:02:40,978 --> 00:02:43,578
What if I throw a party
that is so amazing

82
00:02:43,613 --> 00:02:45,113
that it's actually better

83
00:02:45,149 --> 00:02:46,781
than the party that's supposed to win?

84
00:02:46,817 --> 00:02:48,750
When they realize they
could have to my party,

85
00:02:48,785 --> 00:02:50,685
they'll be sad. I won't be sad.

86
00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:52,286
They'll be sad.

87
00:02:52,322 --> 00:02:53,854
- Janet!
- Hi there.

88
00:02:53,889 --> 00:02:55,656
Janet, when I turned 18,

89
00:02:55,691 --> 00:02:57,358
I knelt in front of Princess Grace's

90
00:02:57,393 --> 00:02:58,926
dress mausoleum, and I swore

91
00:02:58,962 --> 00:03:00,794
to uphold the Hostess Code:

92
00:03:00,830 --> 00:03:03,831
"I, Tahani Al-Jamil,

93
00:03:03,866 --> 00:03:05,833
"shall do my level best

94
00:03:05,868 --> 00:03:07,768
"to make every event...

95
00:03:07,803 --> 00:03:09,302
too much."

96
00:03:09,338 --> 00:03:12,272
Model tonight's décor
after my 2008 fundraiser

97
00:03:12,307 --> 00:03:13,940
for the Red Cross in Zurich.

98
00:03:13,976 --> 00:03:15,308
No.

99
00:03:15,344 --> 00:03:18,278
2007.

100
00:03:23,485 --> 00:03:24,717
Man.

101
00:03:24,752 --> 00:03:26,285
Michael is not into your class.

102
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:28,520
Right now, I'm the best student.

103
00:03:28,555 --> 00:03:29,788
I'm going to be the...

104
00:03:29,823 --> 00:03:31,823
velociraptor.

105
00:03:31,859 --> 00:03:33,292
You trying to say "valedictorian?"

106
00:03:33,327 --> 00:03:35,861
No. Look, dude, this isn't your fault.

107
00:03:35,896 --> 00:03:37,796
You've been teaching him
ethics for half an hour,

108
00:03:37,831 --> 00:03:39,298
and he's been evil since...

109
00:03:39,333 --> 00:03:41,300
the beginning of time.

110
00:03:41,335 --> 00:03:42,633
Oh!

111
00:03:42,668 --> 00:03:44,235
Maybe the reason Michael can't latch

112
00:03:44,270 --> 00:03:45,870
onto the ideas is because he's immortal.

113
00:03:45,905 --> 00:03:47,472
Look, look. If you live forever,

114
00:03:47,507 --> 00:03:49,474
then ethics don't matter
to you because, basically,

115
00:03:49,509 --> 00:03:51,842
there's no consequences
for your actions.

116
00:03:51,878 --> 00:03:53,378
You tell a lie, who cares?

117
00:03:53,413 --> 00:03:55,046
Wait a few trillion years,
the guilt will fade.

118
00:03:55,081 --> 00:03:56,981
Before I can teach Michael to be good,

119
00:03:57,017 --> 00:03:58,749
I have to force him to think about

120
00:03:58,784 --> 00:04:00,484
what we used to think about:

121
00:04:00,519 --> 00:04:02,319
that life has an end,

122
00:04:02,354 --> 00:04:04,988
and therefore our actions have meaning.

123
00:04:05,024 --> 00:04:06,589
That's what you used to think about?

124
00:04:06,625 --> 00:04:08,225
I used to think about how it's weird

125
00:04:08,260 --> 00:04:11,495
they don't make pants
that are just one big pant leg

126
00:04:11,530 --> 00:04:13,497
for both your legs.

127
00:04:13,532 --> 00:04:14,498
You mean a skirt?

128
00:04:14,533 --> 00:04:15,999
No.

129
00:04:16,034 --> 00:04:18,501
You're not getting it.
And my thing is different,

130
00:04:18,536 --> 00:04:19,668
so shut up.

131
00:04:19,703 --> 00:04:21,103
- Michael?
- Yeah.

132
00:04:21,139 --> 00:04:22,604
Is there any way that you can die?

133
00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:24,673
Yeah, actually there is.

134
00:04:24,708 --> 00:04:26,208
It's called retirement.

135
00:04:26,244 --> 00:04:27,709
It's rare, but

136
00:04:27,745 --> 00:04:29,278
when one of us
really screws something up...

137
00:04:30,481 --> 00:04:32,848
And what happens exactly?

138
00:04:32,883 --> 00:04:34,782
Well, it's fairly straightforward.

139
00:04:34,817 --> 00:04:37,552
My essence would be scooped
out of my body

140
00:04:37,587 --> 00:04:39,054
with a flaming ladle,

141
00:04:39,089 --> 00:04:41,189
and every molecule of my body

142
00:04:41,224 --> 00:04:44,426
would be placed on the surface
of a different sun.

143
00:04:44,461 --> 00:04:45,693
Sure.

144
00:04:45,728 --> 00:04:47,395
So is that what would happen

145
00:04:47,431 --> 00:04:49,564
if your boss found out
that you defected to our side?

146
00:04:49,599 --> 00:04:50,964
Yeah.

147
00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:52,699
Okay, so that might actually happen,

148
00:04:52,734 --> 00:04:53,733
and if it did there would be

149
00:04:53,769 --> 00:04:55,402
no more...

150
00:04:55,438 --> 00:04:56,703
Michael.

151
00:04:56,738 --> 00:04:58,972
Think about that for a second.

152
00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:02,042
Imagine being retired.

153
00:05:02,078 --> 00:05:03,477
Everyone else is here.

154
00:05:03,512 --> 00:05:04,878
But you? Poof.

155
00:05:04,913 --> 00:05:06,547
Gone. Nothingness.

156
00:05:06,582 --> 00:05:09,549
Inky black void. Done.

157
00:05:09,584 --> 00:05:10,950
Okay.

158
00:05:10,985 --> 00:05:13,953
I'll think about that.

159
00:05:18,326 --> 00:05:19,725
Huh.

160
00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:21,494
So...

161
00:05:21,529 --> 00:05:24,429
you're saying that I would be...

162
00:05:27,601 --> 00:05:29,201
No...

163
00:05:30,471 --> 00:05:31,536
Me?

164
00:05:43,216 --> 00:05:44,281
Okay!

165
00:05:44,317 --> 00:05:45,949
Now we're getting somewhere.

166
00:05:47,791 --> 00:05:49,080
Dude, you broke Michael.

167
00:05:49,143 --> 00:05:50,844
No, no. This is good.

168
00:05:50,869 --> 00:05:52,685
He's having an existential crisis.

169
00:05:52,752 --> 00:05:54,879
It's a sort of anguish people go through

170
00:05:54,904 --> 00:05:57,116
when they contemplate
the silent indifference

171
00:05:57,141 --> 00:05:58,719
of our empty universe.

172
00:05:59,088 --> 00:06:00,687
Look, the good news is,

173
00:06:00,743 --> 00:06:02,070
if he can work through this,

174
00:06:02,105 --> 00:06:05,594
it's the first step towards
understanding human ethics.

175
00:06:05,619 --> 00:06:06,867
And what if he can't?

176
00:06:06,892 --> 00:06:08,792
Then, he'll be
a lifeless shell of misery

177
00:06:08,827 --> 00:06:10,595
forever, and we're all doomed.

178
00:06:10,682 --> 00:06:11,881
Okay,

179
00:06:11,917 --> 00:06:14,384
I will be right back.

180
00:06:14,420 --> 00:06:17,321
Gotta go grab some Camus.

181
00:06:17,356 --> 00:06:19,256
Hey, buddy.

182
00:06:19,291 --> 00:06:20,958
How you doing?

183
00:06:20,993 --> 00:06:22,391
Can I get you a snack?

184
00:06:22,427 --> 00:06:23,592
Do you eat? I can never remember.

185
00:06:23,627 --> 00:06:25,328
What do you eat? Babies?

186
00:06:25,363 --> 00:06:27,396
Do you want me to get you
a big fat baby?

187
00:06:27,432 --> 00:06:29,098
What flavor baby?

188
00:06:29,133 --> 00:06:30,879
How about a Cool Ranch baby?

189
00:06:30,950 --> 00:06:34,352
Searching for meaning
is philosophical suicide.

190
00:06:34,387 --> 00:06:36,354
How does anyone do anything...

191
00:06:36,389 --> 00:06:40,557
when you understand the
fleeting nature of existence?

192
00:06:40,593 --> 00:06:42,359
It's pretty easy, man.

193
00:06:42,394 --> 00:06:43,427
I mean, you learn about death

194
00:06:43,462 --> 00:06:44,894
when you're a kid,

195
00:06:44,930 --> 00:06:47,698
and it's just not that big of a deal.

196
00:06:51,403 --> 00:06:52,869
Eleanor,

197
00:06:52,904 --> 00:06:53,737
baby,

198
00:06:53,772 --> 00:06:56,072
I have some sad news.

199
00:06:56,108 --> 00:06:58,541
Your doggie, Max, has passed away.

200
00:06:58,576 --> 00:07:00,343
Do you know what that means?

201
00:07:00,378 --> 00:07:01,944
Well, sometimes when a dog

202
00:07:01,979 --> 00:07:03,579
is very old,

203
00:07:03,615 --> 00:07:06,582
like, five or six or something,

204
00:07:06,618 --> 00:07:09,252
he crosses a long rainbow bridge,

205
00:07:09,287 --> 00:07:10,886
and at the end of that bridge

206
00:07:10,921 --> 00:07:14,723
is a beautiful farm
with lots of grass and trees

207
00:07:14,758 --> 00:07:16,591
and, I don't know, wagons

208
00:07:16,627 --> 00:07:17,892
and a rainbow.

209
00:07:17,927 --> 00:07:19,561
I already said "rainbow."

210
00:07:19,596 --> 00:07:20,762
The point is:

211
00:07:20,797 --> 00:07:22,096
that's where Max is.

212
00:07:22,132 --> 00:07:24,198
Can we visit him at the farm?

213
00:07:24,234 --> 00:07:28,035
Nope, because it's very far away...

214
00:07:28,071 --> 00:07:30,071
in... Guam.

215
00:07:30,106 --> 00:07:32,072
- It's in Guam.
- Can we at least...

216
00:07:32,107 --> 00:07:33,707
Okay, look. I'm lying, okay?

217
00:07:33,743 --> 00:07:35,809
You caught me. Congratulations.

218
00:07:35,844 --> 00:07:37,144
The farm is made up.

219
00:07:37,179 --> 00:07:38,379
The bridge is made up.

220
00:07:38,414 --> 00:07:39,913
There's no such place as Guam.

221
00:07:39,948 --> 00:07:41,114
Your dog, Max, is dead

222
00:07:41,150 --> 00:07:43,116
in a duffel bag under the deck.

223
00:07:43,152 --> 00:07:44,752
How did he die?

224
00:07:44,787 --> 00:07:46,820
The short answer is: I don't know.

225
00:07:46,855 --> 00:07:50,623
And the slightly longer answer
is: I didn't know

226
00:07:50,659 --> 00:07:54,093
how hot it gets in cars sometimes.

227
00:07:54,128 --> 00:07:56,429
The point is: don't be sad.

228
00:07:56,464 --> 00:07:58,598
Honestly, I'll get kind of annoyed

229
00:07:58,633 --> 00:07:59,832
if you do get sad

230
00:07:59,867 --> 00:08:01,934
because it's been a very long day

231
00:08:01,969 --> 00:08:03,836
and that bitch Carol
from work was really

232
00:08:03,871 --> 00:08:06,905
on my ass about some stupid thing

233
00:08:06,940 --> 00:08:08,774
that I don't even know what it was.

234
00:08:08,809 --> 00:08:10,141
And at the end of that long day,

235
00:08:10,177 --> 00:08:11,810
I had to use
one of my favorite duffle bags

236
00:08:11,845 --> 00:08:15,781
to do something very gross
that I did not like.

237
00:08:15,816 --> 00:08:18,583
Now, let's celebrate
that dead dog's life

238
00:08:18,619 --> 00:08:20,985
by bringing Mommy
another bottle of white.

239
00:08:21,987 --> 00:08:24,355
I would say I outdid myself,

240
00:08:24,390 --> 00:08:26,324
but I'm always this good.

241
00:08:26,359 --> 00:08:28,659
So I simply did myself.

242
00:08:28,695 --> 00:08:32,863
Everything is perfect.

243
00:08:32,898 --> 00:08:34,865
Red alert, red alert. We need help.

244
00:08:34,900 --> 00:08:35,999
What's wrong with Michael?

245
00:08:36,035 --> 00:08:37,635
Uh-oh. I know that look.

246
00:08:37,670 --> 00:08:39,168
He just snorted
a bunch of printer toner.

247
00:08:39,204 --> 00:08:41,103
Mike, listen to me, you have
nothing to worry about.

248
00:08:41,139 --> 00:08:42,972
You still have around 70%
of your brain left.

249
00:08:43,007 --> 00:08:45,975
No, no, this is more like
a philosophy overdose.

250
00:08:46,010 --> 00:08:48,110
Basically, Michael just smoked
a big bowl of ennui,

251
00:08:48,146 --> 00:08:50,547
and now he's having
an existential crisis.

252
00:08:50,582 --> 00:08:52,649
So, we need to cheer him up.

253
00:08:52,684 --> 00:08:56,719
Look at how pretty the restaurant is.

254
00:08:56,754 --> 00:08:59,722
Didn't Tahani do a good job?

255
00:08:59,757 --> 00:09:01,323
Parties are mere distractions

256
00:09:01,359 --> 00:09:03,559
from the relentlessness of entropy.

257
00:09:03,594 --> 00:09:07,663
We're all just corpses
who haven't yet begun to decay.

258
00:09:07,698 --> 00:09:10,165
Yeah, but...

259
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:12,000
balloons!

260
00:09:13,035 --> 00:09:15,202
Okay, we all head over
to Vicky's party together.

261
00:09:15,238 --> 00:09:17,472
We babysit Michael in shifts
so that no one sees

262
00:09:17,507 --> 00:09:19,006
he's a catatonic blob.

263
00:09:19,041 --> 00:09:21,008
Or you could just sit tight.

264
00:09:21,043 --> 00:09:23,845
The entire party are going to
be heading over here soon.

265
00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:26,146
Unless I am sorely mistaken.

266
00:09:35,557 --> 00:09:37,190
I was sorely mistaken.

267
00:09:37,225 --> 00:09:39,359
Okay, bud, whatever is
going on right now,

268
00:09:39,395 --> 00:09:42,028
just shove your feelings way down deep,

269
00:09:42,063 --> 00:09:44,765
plaster on a fake smile,
and pretend you're having fun.

270
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:46,699
Okay? Just like
I used to do when someone

271
00:09:46,734 --> 00:09:49,668
started talking about their kids.

272
00:09:49,704 --> 00:09:51,203
Hey, welcome, guys.

273
00:09:51,238 --> 00:09:55,374
Wow, this is... elaborate.

274
00:09:55,410 --> 00:09:57,042
Gunnar was an animal rights activist.

275
00:09:57,077 --> 00:09:59,845
So the theme of the party is "animals."

276
00:09:59,881 --> 00:10:01,547
Flying station's over there
if you want to fly

277
00:10:01,582 --> 00:10:02,715
like a falcon.

278
00:10:04,384 --> 00:10:06,451
And over there we filled
a ball pit with puppies.

279
00:10:06,486 --> 00:10:08,553
That's fun.

280
00:10:08,588 --> 00:10:10,955
Oh, and have you ever wanted
to sit in a kangaroo pouch?

281
00:10:10,990 --> 00:10:12,791
My whole dang life.

282
00:10:12,826 --> 00:10:14,392
So we can all hang out here for a bit

283
00:10:14,428 --> 00:10:16,394
and then we can head over
to your party... sound good?

284
00:10:16,430 --> 00:10:18,062
Yo, this place is lit.

285
00:10:18,097 --> 00:10:19,731
I'm going to go jump
in that kangie's pouch.

286
00:10:19,766 --> 00:10:21,231
Hey...

287
00:10:21,266 --> 00:10:22,866
All right, Tahani, you just need to walk

288
00:10:22,902 --> 00:10:24,802
around the party looking miserable.

289
00:10:24,837 --> 00:10:27,070
Great, just like that. Perfect.

290
00:10:27,105 --> 00:10:29,773
And then Chidi and I
will keep an eye on Michael.

291
00:10:29,809 --> 00:10:31,575
Where's Michael?

292
00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:36,279
Uh... I think I found him.

293
00:10:36,315 --> 00:10:37,780
There they are!

294
00:10:37,816 --> 00:10:39,749
Que pasa, muchachos?

295
00:10:39,784 --> 00:10:41,751
Hey there, bud. You okay?

296
00:10:41,786 --> 00:10:44,086
Okay? I'm a new man.

297
00:10:44,121 --> 00:10:46,589
Oh, Eleanor, thank you so much
for the advice

298
00:10:46,624 --> 00:10:48,791
about shoving my feelings down deep.

299
00:10:48,827 --> 00:10:51,427
I feel so much better.
It's like I'm surfing

300
00:10:51,463 --> 00:10:53,763
on this wave of positivity.

301
00:10:53,798 --> 00:10:54,896
Is that Janet?

302
00:10:54,932 --> 00:10:56,297
Oh, yeah.

303
00:10:56,333 --> 00:10:57,933
Have you met my secretary, Jeanette?

304
00:10:57,968 --> 00:10:59,634
She's a lot like Janet,

305
00:10:59,670 --> 00:11:02,437
but she doesn't pretend
like she has all the answers.

306
00:11:02,473 --> 00:11:03,638
Hi, Jeanette.

307
00:11:03,674 --> 00:11:05,974
Oh, no, it's still me... Janet.

308
00:11:06,009 --> 00:11:08,076
Michael just asked
that I change my appearance,

309
00:11:08,102 --> 00:11:10,970
and also say things like,
"You're so funny,"

310
00:11:11,014 --> 00:11:14,181
and "So how many quarterbacks
are in a home run?"

311
00:11:15,451 --> 00:11:17,351
Man, repressing your feelings is great.

312
00:11:17,386 --> 00:11:19,653
I was feeling stressed all the time,

313
00:11:19,689 --> 00:11:21,956
and now it's just so easy.

314
00:11:21,991 --> 00:11:23,858
Babe, we need to get some food into you.

315
00:11:23,893 --> 00:11:25,125
Get you something to eat.

316
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:26,694
I don't eat anything.

317
00:11:26,729 --> 00:11:28,128
She's perfect.

318
00:11:28,163 --> 00:11:29,362
Hey! Turn that around.

319
00:11:31,766 --> 00:11:34,381
It did kind of hurt actually,
but I love it.

320
00:11:34,406 --> 00:11:37,187
So he's moved on from existential crisis

321
00:11:37,242 --> 00:11:39,218
to just straight-up mid-life crisis.

322
00:11:39,243 --> 00:11:40,421
That's good, right?

323
00:11:40,446 --> 00:11:42,078
I knew a ton of guys
like that back in Arizona.

324
00:11:42,117 --> 00:11:43,684
I mean, they hit on you
when they're drunk,

325
00:11:43,719 --> 00:11:44,951
and their breath smells
like supplements,

326
00:11:44,987 --> 00:11:46,520
but overall they're pretty harmless.

327
00:11:46,555 --> 00:11:48,255
It's Chinese for "Japan."

328
00:11:48,291 --> 00:11:49,956
Oh, so cool.

329
00:11:49,992 --> 00:11:51,891
No, no. This is worse.

330
00:11:51,926 --> 00:11:54,193
I mean, an existential crisis
is an acknowledgement

331
00:11:54,228 --> 00:11:55,961
that life is absurd. And that absurdity

332
00:11:55,997 --> 00:11:58,298
needs to be confronted,
but this is just denial.

333
00:11:58,333 --> 00:12:00,300
And at any moment
that denial could collapse,

334
00:12:00,335 --> 00:12:01,701
and he'll be a mess.

335
00:12:01,736 --> 00:12:03,135
He is a Jenga tower of sadness.

336
00:12:03,171 --> 00:12:05,905
For an immortal being,
he's pretty fragile.

337
00:12:05,940 --> 00:12:08,139
I mean the guy contemplates
his own death

338
00:12:08,175 --> 00:12:10,975
for one forking minute
and completely loses

339
00:12:11,011 --> 00:12:13,812
his grip on reality?

340
00:12:18,151 --> 00:12:19,951
You didn't have to come.

341
00:12:19,986 --> 00:12:21,019
I said I'm fine.

342
00:12:21,054 --> 00:12:23,221
Yeah, well, I know you guys
weren't super close,

343
00:12:23,256 --> 00:12:25,155
but still. It's hard...

344
00:12:25,191 --> 00:12:26,490
losing a parent.

345
00:12:26,526 --> 00:12:28,626
Eleanor! Mommy's here, baby!

346
00:12:28,661 --> 00:12:31,796
Oh, and who is this tall drink of wine?

347
00:12:31,831 --> 00:12:34,565
This is my boyfriend, Sam.

348
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:35,666
Sam, this is my mother...

349
00:12:35,702 --> 00:12:36,934
Sister! Sister...

350
00:12:36,969 --> 00:12:38,336
It's not going to work.

351
00:12:38,371 --> 00:12:39,770
It's my ex-husband's funeral.

352
00:12:39,806 --> 00:12:42,071
Thanks for blowing my cover, Doug!

353
00:12:42,106 --> 00:12:44,774
Listen, baby. Don't be sad, okay?

354
00:12:44,810 --> 00:12:46,576
Your father wasn't great.

355
00:12:46,611 --> 00:12:48,645
Let's call him what he was:

356
00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:50,780
a fart in the shape of a man.

357
00:12:50,816 --> 00:12:52,281
Can you just chill?

358
00:12:52,317 --> 00:12:53,916
I don't want to turn
Dad's funeral into a roast.

359
00:12:53,952 --> 00:12:56,252
I'm not. I'm just saying he sucked.

360
00:12:56,287 --> 00:12:58,321
I mean, the only photo
they could get of him

361
00:12:58,356 --> 00:13:00,856
was a mug shot. He was a doof.

362
00:13:00,891 --> 00:13:02,758
So don't be sad that he's gone.

363
00:13:02,793 --> 00:13:04,192
I'm not sad. I'm fine.

364
00:13:04,228 --> 00:13:05,594
Good!

365
00:13:05,629 --> 00:13:07,195
You know, I had a long running bet

366
00:13:07,231 --> 00:13:09,130
with Eleanor's father
that I would outlive him.

367
00:13:09,166 --> 00:13:10,999
You want to guess who won
that one? Come on, guess.

368
00:13:11,034 --> 00:13:12,368
Well, we're at his funeral.
It's pretty clear...

369
00:13:12,403 --> 00:13:13,535
I did! I won!

370
00:13:13,571 --> 00:13:16,371
He's dead! Up top!

371
00:13:16,406 --> 00:13:17,938
Whoa.

372
00:13:17,974 --> 00:13:21,275
Is there a bar? I'm just going to...

373
00:13:22,679 --> 00:13:24,211
Did my mom slip you her hotel room key?

374
00:13:24,247 --> 00:13:25,380
Yes.

375
00:13:25,415 --> 00:13:26,447
Yes, she did.

376
00:13:28,351 --> 00:13:31,018
Thanks so much for coming
to Gunnar's birthday party.

377
00:13:31,053 --> 00:13:33,219
Now, there was a little bit of a mix up,

378
00:13:33,255 --> 00:13:35,689
and Tahani also planned a birthday party

379
00:13:35,724 --> 00:13:37,657
over at the restaurant. So...

380
00:13:37,693 --> 00:13:39,192
why don't we all head over there?

381
00:13:39,227 --> 00:13:42,529
No need. This party is far superior.

382
00:13:42,564 --> 00:13:44,063
I'm sure yours is amazing.

383
00:13:44,099 --> 00:13:45,399
Well, I did fine on the décor,

384
00:13:45,434 --> 00:13:47,333
but I don't have, you know,

385
00:13:47,369 --> 00:13:49,869
actual unicorns you can ride.

386
00:13:51,372 --> 00:13:54,072
So you all just stay here and have fun.

387
00:13:54,108 --> 00:13:56,475
Okay, well, if that's what you want.

388
00:13:56,511 --> 00:13:58,644
Let's all get back to the party, then.

389
00:13:58,679 --> 00:14:00,513
Hang on, there, mis amigos!

390
00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:02,815
- Whoo! I want to make a toast.
- No, no, no, Michael, oh, boy.

391
00:14:02,850 --> 00:14:04,417
Okay, I know what you're thinking.

392
00:14:04,452 --> 00:14:08,653
Birth is a curse,
and existence is a prison.

393
00:14:08,688 --> 00:14:10,254
But don't think about that.

394
00:14:10,290 --> 00:14:12,256
Don't be sad, you guys.

395
00:14:12,292 --> 00:14:15,192
Focus on something great
like Drakkar Noir...

396
00:14:15,228 --> 00:14:17,762
whoo... which I am
wearing a lot of tonight.

397
00:14:17,798 --> 00:14:20,097
Or the Sharper Image Catalog.

398
00:14:20,133 --> 00:14:22,834
What can't those guys ionize?

399
00:14:22,869 --> 00:14:25,736
By the way, I am feeling amazing.

400
00:14:25,771 --> 00:14:27,404
I'm going to do some push-ups.

401
00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:28,739
Then we'll go around the room

402
00:14:28,774 --> 00:14:30,106
and name our favorite cheese.

403
00:14:30,142 --> 00:14:32,208
Okay, that's good with the speeches.

404
00:14:32,244 --> 00:14:33,444
That's good, yeah.

405
00:14:33,479 --> 00:14:34,745
Let's all get back to the party.

406
00:14:34,780 --> 00:14:35,946
What was that?

407
00:14:35,981 --> 00:14:37,614
You didn't run any of that by me.

408
00:14:37,650 --> 00:14:39,249
Oh, I know, I know. I'm sorry, babe.

409
00:14:39,284 --> 00:14:41,617
Listen, when you guys first took over,

410
00:14:41,653 --> 00:14:44,620
I was upset, but it's all good now.

411
00:14:44,656 --> 00:14:46,456
I mean, anger is toxic.

412
00:14:46,491 --> 00:14:48,558
I'm not about that negativity.

413
00:14:48,593 --> 00:14:50,960
Mi torture es su torture.

414
00:14:50,995 --> 00:14:53,529
I am so happy you're in charge.

415
00:14:53,565 --> 00:14:56,466
Okay, well, good.

416
00:14:56,501 --> 00:14:57,599
Namaste, chica.

417
00:14:58,836 --> 00:15:00,034
Do you want to dance?

418
00:15:00,070 --> 00:15:02,604
- No.
- Okay.

419
00:15:02,639 --> 00:15:04,138
I'm leaving.

420
00:15:04,174 --> 00:15:06,741
I'm too miserable to stay here
for one more second.

421
00:15:06,777 --> 00:15:08,510
Why? There are baby monkeys

422
00:15:08,545 --> 00:15:09,945
and dolphins to ride

423
00:15:09,980 --> 00:15:11,412
and the game of "Hungry, Hungry Hippos"

424
00:15:11,448 --> 00:15:14,115
with actual hippos. This party is way

425
00:15:14,150 --> 00:15:17,585
better than ours. Why are you miserable?

426
00:15:17,620 --> 00:15:19,520
Ohh.

427
00:15:19,555 --> 00:15:21,021
You stay and have fun.

428
00:15:21,056 --> 00:15:23,357
I'm going to go
and throw myself a pity party...

429
00:15:23,392 --> 00:15:26,694
though I doubt I can even
throw one of those properly.

430
00:15:30,466 --> 00:15:32,365
God, I love this stuff!

431
00:15:33,802 --> 00:15:35,635
Oh! Let's keep this party going!

432
00:15:35,670 --> 00:15:37,604
What now, huh? Want to hit the clubs?

433
00:15:37,639 --> 00:15:39,171
Oh, oh, oh... Vegas!

434
00:15:39,207 --> 00:15:41,307
No, no, no, even better... Dubai.

435
00:15:42,844 --> 00:15:44,844
Jeanette, make us a Dubai.

436
00:15:46,548 --> 00:15:49,715
I kind of feel like maybe
we should wind down, have a...

437
00:15:49,750 --> 00:15:50,883
No, no, can't do that.
Can't stop moving.

438
00:15:50,918 --> 00:15:52,217
Can't stop moving.

439
00:15:52,252 --> 00:15:54,052
If I stop moving, I'll start thinking

440
00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:55,654
and if I start thinking, I'll
start thinking about things

441
00:15:55,689 --> 00:15:58,289
I don't want to think about, like death.

442
00:15:58,325 --> 00:15:59,357
Oops.

443
00:15:59,393 --> 00:16:01,527
I'm thinking about it now.

444
00:16:01,562 --> 00:16:03,061
Yep, thinking about death again.

445
00:16:03,096 --> 00:16:04,696
Oh, I know.
Jeanette and I have been taking

446
00:16:04,732 --> 00:16:06,230
samba lessons, huh?

447
00:16:06,265 --> 00:16:08,132
- Let us show you how to do it.
- Okay.

448
00:16:08,167 --> 00:16:09,734
I think Vicky bought his excuse,

449
00:16:09,769 --> 00:16:11,068
but we need to snap him out of this.

450
00:16:11,103 --> 00:16:13,004
Which one of these confusing
French books

451
00:16:13,039 --> 00:16:14,572
will make him normal again?

452
00:16:14,607 --> 00:16:16,206
It's not that easy.

453
00:16:16,242 --> 00:16:18,809
I mean, emotionally, he's
all over the map right now,

454
00:16:18,845 --> 00:16:20,077
and I can't believe I'm saying this,

455
00:16:20,112 --> 00:16:21,412
but I don't think this can be solved

456
00:16:21,447 --> 00:16:22,546
with a book.

457
00:16:22,581 --> 00:16:24,014
What's the big whoop?

458
00:16:24,049 --> 00:16:25,415
I dealt with death, and I was fine.

459
00:16:25,450 --> 00:16:27,584
Were you? I mean,
you never had one moment

460
00:16:27,619 --> 00:16:30,887
where you were freaked out
by the permanence of death?

461
00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:33,256
Never one moment like that?

462
00:16:33,291 --> 00:16:35,992
Hey, man, you got toothbrush holders?

463
00:16:36,028 --> 00:16:37,661
Sure, yeah, right over here.

464
00:16:37,696 --> 00:16:39,429
What's this?

465
00:16:39,464 --> 00:16:42,197
Who has four toothbrushes?
Like, Bill Gates or something?

466
00:16:42,232 --> 00:16:45,734
No, that's like, for a family.

467
00:16:45,770 --> 00:16:47,502
Family?

468
00:16:47,538 --> 00:16:49,772
Like, a whole family
and their toothbrushes

469
00:16:49,807 --> 00:16:51,206
all together?

470
00:16:51,241 --> 00:16:53,008
Two slots for the parent toothbrushes

471
00:16:53,044 --> 00:16:56,778
and two slots for their kids?

472
00:16:56,813 --> 00:16:58,012
Yep.

473
00:16:58,048 --> 00:16:59,614
So the parent toothbrushes

474
00:16:59,649 --> 00:17:03,618
can be close to
the kid toothbrushes and...

475
00:17:03,653 --> 00:17:05,887
watch over them and...

476
00:17:05,922 --> 00:17:08,923
They can all talk about their...

477
00:17:08,959 --> 00:17:11,292
toothbrush feelings.

478
00:17:11,327 --> 00:17:14,061
And they can hold
their little toothbrush hands

479
00:17:14,096 --> 00:17:16,262
when they're sad?

480
00:17:16,298 --> 00:17:20,867
Make sure no harm ever comes
to their little bristles?

481
00:17:20,903 --> 00:17:24,170
Sure.

482
00:17:27,009 --> 00:17:30,977
Oh, um, do you need Kleenex?

483
00:17:31,012 --> 00:17:32,244
Thank you.

484
00:17:32,279 --> 00:17:34,046
Sorry. I'm so embarrassed.

485
00:17:34,082 --> 00:17:36,649
A family pack?

486
00:17:46,193 --> 00:17:47,493
I don't know if what I'm going to say

487
00:17:47,528 --> 00:17:48,627
is going to hurt or help,

488
00:17:48,662 --> 00:17:50,161
but screw it.

489
00:17:50,196 --> 00:17:51,830
Do you know what's really
happening right now?

490
00:17:51,865 --> 00:17:54,833
You're learning what
it's like to be human.

491
00:17:54,868 --> 00:17:57,936
All humans are aware of death.

492
00:17:57,971 --> 00:18:00,338
So we're all a little bit sad...

493
00:18:00,373 --> 00:18:01,740
all the time.

494
00:18:01,775 --> 00:18:03,842
That's just the deal.

495
00:18:03,877 --> 00:18:07,277
Sounds like a crappy deal.

496
00:18:07,312 --> 00:18:09,246
Well, yeah. It is.

497
00:18:09,281 --> 00:18:11,915
But we don't get offered any other ones.

498
00:18:11,951 --> 00:18:13,984
And if you try and ignore your sadness,

499
00:18:14,020 --> 00:18:16,854
it just ends up leaking
out of you anyway.

500
00:18:16,889 --> 00:18:18,188
I've been there.

501
00:18:18,223 --> 00:18:19,657
And everybody's been there.

502
00:18:19,692 --> 00:18:21,125
So don't fight it.

503
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:23,026
In the words of a very wise

504
00:18:23,061 --> 00:18:25,427
Bed, Bath, and Beyond employee
I once knew...

505
00:18:25,463 --> 00:18:28,264
"Go ahead and cry all you want.

506
00:18:28,299 --> 00:18:31,367
But you're going to have to pay
for that toilet plunger."

507
00:18:35,907 --> 00:18:37,540
I got you something to eat.

508
00:18:37,575 --> 00:18:39,641
I'm not hungry.

509
00:18:41,011 --> 00:18:42,377
I just want to sit and stare at nothing

510
00:18:42,412 --> 00:18:45,313
and silently scream
for the rest of time.

511
00:18:45,348 --> 00:18:49,051
I might be way off-base here,

512
00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:50,786
but you seem kind of bummed.

513
00:18:50,821 --> 00:18:53,354
I really thought I could
throw a better party than

514
00:18:53,390 --> 00:18:55,823
a magical, all-powerful being.

515
00:18:55,858 --> 00:18:58,492
And moreover, what's this say about me,

516
00:18:58,527 --> 00:19:00,227
about the life I lived?

517
00:19:00,262 --> 00:19:01,696
The way they're torturing me is through

518
00:19:01,731 --> 00:19:03,831
event planning mishaps,

519
00:19:03,866 --> 00:19:05,733
and it works.

520
00:19:05,768 --> 00:19:08,736
Am I really that shallow?

521
00:19:08,771 --> 00:19:11,072
Listen, back in Jacksonville,

522
00:19:11,107 --> 00:19:14,240
I was in charge of
a 60-person dance group.

523
00:19:14,275 --> 00:19:16,576
Whenever we auditioned a new dancer,

524
00:19:16,611 --> 00:19:19,245
we would rate them in five categories:

525
00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:21,681
dancing ability, coolness,

526
00:19:21,717 --> 00:19:23,883
dopeness, freshness,

527
00:19:23,919 --> 00:19:25,384
and smart-brained.

528
00:19:25,420 --> 00:19:28,421
I would give you
an eight in every category.

529
00:19:28,456 --> 00:19:30,355
Well, eight isn't bad, I suppose.

530
00:19:30,390 --> 00:19:32,057
No, no. Eight is the best.

531
00:19:32,093 --> 00:19:34,093
It was a scale of 1-13,

532
00:19:34,128 --> 00:19:35,994
but eight was highest.

533
00:19:36,030 --> 00:19:37,429
The scale went up and then back down

534
00:19:37,464 --> 00:19:39,031
like a tent.

535
00:19:39,066 --> 00:19:41,233
Why? It's not important.

536
00:19:41,268 --> 00:19:43,401
Lately, you've been
really down on yourself.

537
00:19:43,437 --> 00:19:47,538
But you're the most amazing
person I've ever met...

538
00:19:47,573 --> 00:19:48,873
besides Michael,

539
00:19:48,908 --> 00:19:50,074
and he was constantly torturing us

540
00:19:50,110 --> 00:19:51,275
so I'd only rank him a ten.

541
00:19:51,310 --> 00:19:53,845
Which is worse than an eight?

542
00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:55,947
That's so unnecessarily confusing.

543
00:19:55,982 --> 00:19:58,282
The point is: you're cool,

544
00:19:58,317 --> 00:20:02,120
dope, fresh, and smart-brained.

545
00:20:02,155 --> 00:20:05,922
I've never seen you dance,
but I bet you're good.

546
00:20:05,958 --> 00:20:08,191
'Cause you're good at everything.

547
00:20:08,227 --> 00:20:09,926
You're awesome.

548
00:20:09,962 --> 00:20:12,695
Be nicer to yourself.

549
00:20:12,731 --> 00:20:14,564
Thank you, Jason.

550
00:20:16,168 --> 00:20:19,602
From one eight to another.

551
00:20:21,757 --> 00:20:23,578
"Excellent progress this week.

552
00:20:23,609 --> 00:20:26,156
"Tahani devastated by party mishap.

553
00:20:26,211 --> 00:20:28,877
"Eleanor continues to be
a selfish monster

554
00:20:28,913 --> 00:20:30,379
creating burden for Chidi."

555
00:20:30,415 --> 00:20:32,047
"Selfish monster?"

556
00:20:32,083 --> 00:20:33,549
I brought you back from the brink

557
00:20:33,585 --> 00:20:35,117
of an existential coma, dude.

558
00:20:35,152 --> 00:20:37,386
No, no. I have to embellish your misery

559
00:20:37,422 --> 00:20:39,288
on these fake torture reports

560
00:20:39,324 --> 00:20:41,524
so that my boss doesn't get suspicious.

561
00:20:41,559 --> 00:20:43,057
But really...

562
00:20:43,093 --> 00:20:45,893
I am grateful you pulled me
out of my funk.

563
00:20:45,929 --> 00:20:48,330
Well, now that you've become acquainted

564
00:20:48,365 --> 00:20:50,398
with existential crises,

565
00:20:50,434 --> 00:20:52,400
I thought we could read "Death"

566
00:20:52,436 --> 00:20:54,236
by philosopher Todd May.

567
00:20:54,271 --> 00:20:56,404
Sounds like the perfect beach read.

568
00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:58,306
Should we wait for Tahani and Jason?

569
00:20:58,342 --> 00:21:01,174
Where are those goofballs?

570
00:21:01,210 --> 00:21:02,743
So, um...

571
00:21:02,778 --> 00:21:05,412
we should probably discuss...

572
00:21:05,448 --> 00:21:08,349
That was awesome!

573
00:21:08,384 --> 00:21:09,416
It was.

574
00:21:10,453 --> 00:21:12,519
Surprisingly so.

575
00:21:12,555 --> 00:21:14,154
But we should still discuss...

576
00:21:14,189 --> 00:21:16,089
Want some breakfast?
I know how to make cereal.

577
00:21:16,125 --> 00:21:18,725
- Sure, but, Jason, we should...
- Okay, be right back.

578
00:21:21,763 --> 00:21:27,667
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com