Jesus!
Can't you see I'm working?
I don't got time for this shit.
Come on. Get outta here!
Frank!
I just wanna make sure you're okay.
Maybe when I get back from Puerto Rico,
we can grab a coffee?
I spend the winters down there.
So Debbie and I are fucking.
You're gay?
I hate vaginas. I just wanted to piss you off.
Rich people are crazy.
Fuckin' nuts.
- You wanna fuck? - Fuck yeah.
This place is for rent.
We should call the number, check it out.
Kev Ball's Keg Zone.
Keg curls.
I've been to every home in Glencoe looking for you.
Does anyone else know I'm here?
Nobody.
We're having a wedding wedding?
Just want you to know, you marry a man,
I'ma put a fuckin' bullet in your head.
Don't say I didn't warn you, cocksmoker.
I rented that house.
My family, this neighborhood is my support system.
I would love if you would help me
make that house a home.
CREDITS
Tami.
Tami, you up? Coffee's on.
Tami.
_
- Mickey's the bride? - Nope. Groom.
- So you're the bride. - No. Also a groom.
- Who's wearing the white tux? - Mickey.
- Take your meds yet? - Yes.
Gonna be a stressful day.
Got it.
You pickin' those up?
Yeah.
Frank walking you down the aisle?
Grooms, remember?
- Is he coming? - God, I hope not.
- He's in Glencoe. - Great. I hope he stays there.
Hey. I gotta go out for a bit.
You take your meds yet? It's gonna be a stressful day.
- Yes. First thing. - All right.
Hey, we gotta meet at the Bamboo Lotus
at two for photos.
Okay. Got it.
Hey, how much did these tuxes cost?
Um, Mickey rented them at some fancy place downtown.
Where's Mickey getting all the money for this?
Savings, he says.
"Savings"?
On the floor, motherfuckers!
I don't really wanna know.
Father Pete marrying you?
Father Pete's Catholic.
Pope won't let him marry gay people.
But Father Pete's gay.
Lives in the rectory with the organist
with the nipple ring.
Wait. The organist at Saint Sebastian's
got a nipple ring?
Reverend Sally's doing the ceremony.
She's Episcopalian.
They'll marry anybody.
Yeah, those are nice, right?
Mm-hmm.
- Take your meds? - Yes.
Good.
Serious?
The fuck out, shithead.
You get them anything for the wedding?
Yeah. Edible boxers.
Not very imaginative.
I wanna get them something special,
but no money.
You can go in on the boxers with me.
They got a honeymoon car?
What's a honeymoon car?
A car you take to your honeymoon.
Eh, they'll probably just stay
at the Love Canal for the night,
take a bus or something.
- Hey, you might wanna... - Mm-hmm.
- I'm gonna take a deuce. - Yep.
Dress. Dress. Dress.
Dress. Dress.
- Dress. Dress. Dress. - No, sweetie.
Hey, the wedding isn't till this afternoon, okay?
Please, Mommy. Now.
What is she on about?
She wants to wear her flower girl dress again.
Why the hell not? She's only gonna wear it once.
Okay, sweetie.
- Go on. - Yay!
It's hanging on the ironing board in the kitchen.
Go.
Uh, so...
about last night.
Mm.
Yeah.
Cool.
So...
We gotta be at the Bamboo
at nine for the flower delivery.
And then the caterers are delivering
the chairs and shit at ten.
So...
You think your uncle's serious about shooting Mickey?
Serious as a heart attack.
But he probably won't do it at the wedding.
Too many witnesses.
He'll wait till Mickey's alone
somewhere or walking to the L
or...
Holy sh-shit.
What?
It's on fire.
What's on fire?
The Bamboo Lotus. It's on fire!
Dude, it's on fucking fire!
Fuck is going on?
Debs.
Oh...
fuck.
What the hell's going on?
What is that?
The Bamboo Lotus.
What?
The wedding place?
It's on fire.
Terry?
What do you think?
Motherfucker.
Oh, shit.
Fuck. Mickey!
Mickey!
Terry Milkovich!
- You fuckin' pig fucker! - Mickey.
Jesus, Mick!
I'm coming for you, you son of a bitch!
What the fuck, Sandy?
Give me the fucking gun, Mick.
Oh, shit.
Ow!
Shit!
- Fuckin'... - Get the cuffs.
You done?
No!
You gonna make me hit you again?
Fuck you, Gallagher!
Now are you done?
Yeah. Yeah.
Shit.
_
Come on, Milo.
Push that 60.
There you go.
Gotta work off that avocado "kumbacha" smoothie
or whatever the fuck you drink.
Jasper, are you kidding me? Can you go slower?
Full rotations, man!
Do you want your name under Pussy of the Day?
Is that what you want, Jasper?
Is it safe if I park my Tesla out front?
Hell no, it ain't safe, Homer. This is the ghetto, man.
Get in here and grab two kegs and give me 30 curls now.
You Kevin?
The fuck do you think?
Lorne sent me.
So?
_
Way to go, Oscar. Puke is pride.
I wanna join.
Uh, you take Amex?
"Amex." Cash only!
$50 per session up front,
plus another $40 for the T-shirt.
ATM is right there.
You're out of spring water.
I am?
All right. Grab a sledge.
Start working the wall.
Willem!
Get off the damn phone!
If I see you on that thing one more time,
it's going in the puke barrel.
You hear me, fat boy?
Harder, Milo!
Come on, man. Get it up.
What do you have them doing over there?
Bashin' a hole in the wall to connect the gym to The Alibi.
How long's that gonna take?
Ah, with my pasty propeller-heads
swinging the hammers, twins'll be grandparents first,
but I'm gonna finish the rest myself later.
What the hell are you doing?
Making natural spring water.
My Keggers love to hydrate.
You don't sterilize the bottles first or anything?
No. Fuck those Facebook assholes.
They need the germs, strengthen their
oat milk-drinking immune systems.
What is oat milk?
The extra watery shit that sits on top
when you make oatmeal.
Hey, V, can you get me some more
of those $2 black T-shirts from Walmart
and cut the sleeves off?
Sure.
So this Keg Zone stuff is actually working?
I got 20 fully paid Keggers already.
Plus, I'm starting an online thing
where you can do it at home.
I mean, who doesn't have an empty keg
laying around the house, right?
- Oh, yeah. Totally. - Sure.
All right, we need to leave soon, babe,
pick up a couple of cases of champagne for lan's wedding.
Those two are really going through with getting married?
Yes.
Why'd you say it like that?
I don't know.
Don't know what?
Uh, I mean, it just doesn't seem right.
I don't care who sticks what in what,
but now they gotta get married too?
Who's "they"?
Hey, I got no problem with the gays.
I'm just saying that some things
are natural man-woman things.
I don't wanna walk into the men's room
and see a chick in heels pulling out her penis at the urinal.
She wouldn't be in the men's room, Tommy.
She's a woman.
You look at other men's penises when you're at the urinal?
- That's pretty gay, Tommy. - No!
Jesus.
You collect more Keg cash today
we can use to buy the champagne?
Uh, no. Nothing this morning.
All those waters?
I forgot to refill 'em last night.
Jesus, when did the PC police show up in here?
So a chick in heels peed next to you?
No. It is a hypothetical kind of discussion thing.
I thought you didn't make any money this morning.
Hey, mind your own business, homo hater.
Keeping a little "me" money on the side there, Kev?
Shh!
Oh, thank God
that banging stopped.
Yeah, Homer's arms must've given out.
All right, I gotta get back
and start whuppin' Depeche Mode-loving Gen X butt.
Hey. Tami and Fred here?
- That Lip? - Yeah.
You fire him yet?
- What? - Not yet.
I'm serious, Brad.
Fire the prick.
- Come on, Cami. - Cami.
You're fired, Lip.
She just went out the back.
Thank you.
Hey!
Hey. Hey.
How's Fred? He sleep all right?
Hey.
Tami, are we gonna talk about this?
Sure. Yeah.
Communication is important in a relationship.
Let's talk about this.
The same way we talked about that house
before you went and bought it without even asking me.
No, no, I didn't buy it, though.
I'm renting it, right?
And we-we did. I mean, I asked.
And I said no.
Tami.
Terry burned down the Bamboo?
Jesus.
There's homophobic,
and then there's Vladimir Putin homophobic.
We'll just call everybody,
tell them the wedding is postponed.
What? No!
We can figure this out.
We should just elope,
go to the courthouse.
It's what we should've done in the first place.
Hell no!
You can't let hate win.
Wake up, Little Mary Sunshine.
Hate always wins.
Jesus, Gandhi,
Martin Luther King.
Pretty sure one was crucified
and the other two were shot.
Yeah, Hitler, Freddy Krueger, Darth Vader.
We still got the flowers, the booze, the DJ,
and all that other shit, right?
Uh, yeah, but no place to hold the wedding.
What about here?
What, in the house?
Fuck that. How many people we got coming?
A hundred and twenty,
not counting the local lowlifes who'll show up uninvited
to get hammered.
- The Alibi? - It's a shithole.
I don't wanna get married where my shoes stick to the floor.
Patsy's?
Jesus, this is getting sadder and sadder.
Why don't we just do it in the parking lot across the street
from the poultry processing plant?
How about the park? Hmm?
It's 40 degrees and supposed to snow.
Jesus! You two wanna help, maybe?
Yes, I wanna help.
I wanna help by shoving the shotgun
down my dad's throat
and watching his spinal cord burst out his fuckin' back
all over his kitchen wall!
Everyone start calling around and find someplace
that's big enough and can take us in a hurry.
With what money?
We spent it all on the Bamboo and flowers and shit.
So, what,
you're just gonna let Terry and his Nazis win?
Watch Paris burn?
Let the Berlin Wall stand?
Saigon fall?
Huh?
Is that who we are?
- Yes! - No!
We're Gallaghers!
If you're gonna be a part of this family,
you better nut up.
We're gonna white-trash this shit.
Hello, Father.
What do you want?
Are you coming to the wedding?
You're getting married?
I'm ten.
Ian. This afternoon.
Oh, yeah? Good for him.
Who's the lucky lady-man?
Mickey Milkovich.
As if your brother's gene pool
wasn't challenged enough already.
I don't think their genes could ever get mixed together,
biologically speaking.
- Are you coming or not? - Not.
Throw some rice at the happy same-gendered couple for me,
will ya?
He's selling the house.
Wh-who's selling what house?
Our house. Lip.
To a couple of yuppie lawyers.
They're bringing the money today.
Two hundred thousand bucks in cash.
Cash?
Lip is taking his share of the money
and moving to Milwaukee.
What about my share?
Don't think they're planning on cutting you in.
It's my house,
not theirs.
Please! I don't wanna move.
It's the only home I've ever known.
Of course it is, son.
Let me get dressed.
And the keys.
- Keys? - To the Rolls or the Mercedes.
The L could take hours.
The house could be sold before we even get there.
Why the hell not?
The Gala's all booked up.
Same with the Dynasty.
Castle was closed by the health department.
Rodent infestation.
Korean Baptists have a bat mitzvah
in their parish hall,
whatever the fuck that is.
What's going on?
Terry Milkovich burned down the Bamboo Lotus.
- He what? - To the ground.
So now everything's getting delivered here.
Holy shit.
Hey, Navy Pier's got a party boat.
It's, like, 20 grand, though.
Oh, so I kite them a check.
Let the bastards come after me.
What are they gonna give me, 18 months?
I can do that in my sleep.
Yeah, it's cash or credit in advance, though.
Wh-wh... so you guys wanna try to find someplace else
to have the wedding today?
They do; I'm just getting shit-faced drunk.
Why is Mickey handcuffed?
- He wants to kill his dad. - Will kill his dad.
Hey, what about that boarded-up Ukrainian church
over on Cermak?
We could break in, take it over.
No. Roof caved in last winter.
What happened?
Went by the Bamboo. It's a smoldering heap.
Yeah. Dad, a fire, and no wedding.
- Gonna shoot him in the face. - We can do it at The Alibi.
No, no! Look, it is over.
It is over and done.
Terry fuckin' wins again, like he always does.
Jesus Christ.
Do you remember when we were kids?
We'd go trick-or-treating.
As soon as we got home, who took all the candy?
Your dad.
Before my mom ran out,
when she still could buy us Christmas presents,
who opened everything up, took what he wanted,
and pawned the rest?
Your dad.
Who-who handed us over
to Family Services for a year
so he could run drugs for the Sinaloa cartel?
Your dad.
Look, I love you.
I love you.
The son of a bitch is never gonna let me be happy.
He needs to die... today.
What about the Polish Doll?
Ey, asshole, were you not listening?
We're doing a murder thing here.
- It's that polka house, right? - Yeah.
Old man Wójcik died,
but his wife's running it now, I think.
Is that that 500-year-old bag
that drives around in that orange convertible?
Yeah, the one with the short, short skirts
and the poufy red hair.
The Polish Doll's never been known for being gay-friendly.
They keep a Louisville Slugger behind the bar
called the "Fag Fixer."
All right, so we don't tell them.
You don't think they'll notice?
Not until there's a hundred drunk wedding guests
jammed into the place.
Then what the fuck are they gonna do about it?
They're not answering.
- Debs, you got your car? - Yeah.
- Let's go. - You guys, keep dialing.
There's gotta be someplace else we can use.
So we'll say that you're the bride.
Can you, uh, cry
and make it look like you wanna kill yourself?
- Totally. - Okay.
Debbie?
What the hell do you want?
Uh, my mom kicked me out of the house,
which is your fault, so here I am.
So the Polish Doll finally picked up.
They're there right now.
Who the fuck is this?
Julia.
This is Julia?
You said she was young, but...
Debs, we gotta go!
Look, you can't stay here.
Too bad. I am.
- Debbie! - Go home, Julia!
Who are you?
I'm Sandy...
her girlfriend.
She's been sleeping with you too?
Shit, I gotta find a clinic,
get swabbed for gonorrhea.
Welcome to the South Side...
Julia.
They find someplace we can use yet?
No. I'm texting Tami again.
She's leaving me unread.
Hey, you, uh-you need me to do something,
you know, to help you cry?
- Like what? - I don't know.
Pinch you or slap you or something.
Frank and Monica were my parents.
I can remember anything from my childhood,
and... I can cry.
Right. Yeah, no. Okay.
That's good. Come on.
Jesus.
You lost?
Hi. No.
Um, my sister was supposed to get married this afternoon,
but the hall burned down.
So we are desperate to find someplace
to hold the ceremony.
Gotta talk to the boss.
Over here? Okay.
Mrs. Wójcik?
- That's me, honey. - Hi.
Yeah, we have an emergency situation,
and you may be the only person in Chicago
who can make it right.
Yo! We got it!
- What? - No.
- That Polish place? - Yep!
There is a seniors' happy hour at 4:30.
So the DJ's gotta play some polka,
and I had to guarantee
we'd spend at least 300 bucks at the bar.
Oh, and, uh,
Mickey might have to marry Debbie instead of Ian.
- What? - What?
Yeah, it's definitely not Gay Pride Day over there.
So we told Wójcik that Debbie was the bride
and she was gonna marry a nice Polish boy named Michael.
Yeah.
V, I need a wedding dress in a hurry.
Do you know anyone who's got one laying around?
Closet Diva rents wedding dresses.
- Cool. - Kev, come on, man.
We gotta get these flowers, chairs,
all this shit over to the Polish Doll.
- Can we use your truck? - Yeah, no problem.
- Thanks. - Carl! Lend a hand.
- Hell yeah. - Thanks, bud.
- Wait. Wait. - What?
- Mickey's marrying Debbie? - Yeah. Don't worry.
I'll figure out something to do with the old bat
when we get over there, and, uh, you know,
shit goes sideways, Mickey marries Debbie;
we have a big fuckin' party anyway.
Good. Okay. So uncuff Mickey.
Get your clothes. We only got a couple hours.
Let's fuckin' go!
Your teen stalker's up in your room, cradle robber.
- Julia's still here? - Uh-huh.
Asked how many days a week the maid comes.
They're moving already?
You bastards cannot sell this house!
It's mine!
- Lip! - Hey, Frank.
Lip, you cannot sell this house
without giving me my share.
- What the fuck? - This is my house, not yours.
I want half! Uh, I want more than half!
Nobody's selling the house, Frank!
Jesus.
You're not?
No.
Fuck.
You lied?
Learned at the foot of the master.
Looks like you might've gotten punked, punk.
- Lip. - Yeah?
I got the perfect car for Ian and Mickey.
Just need shaving cream,
string, and a couple of old cans.
Is that a Mercedes?
Mm-hmm.
Outstanding.
You got game, son.
See ya.
Children want their parents at their weddings.
You'll probably not be alive for mine.
We don't ask much of you.
Least you can do is bother to show up when we get married.
Nice try, kid.
Took the keys to the Mercedes, didn't you?
You gonna give 'em back to me?
Not until after the wedding.
You can't stay here, Julia!
I'm taking half the drawers. I put your crap over there.
We need to go buy a bunch of shit
before my mom cancels my Amex.
What happened to your face?
Your skanky side piece coldcocked me.
Really?
Yes.
She in on it too?
- In on what? - Your hustle.
Now, how much were you able to milk my mom for?
Ten grand? Twenty?
I didn't hustle your mom.
I liked her. She was good to me.
I'm glad she was good to somebody.
Oh.
What do you think?
For what?
The wedding. I'm coming.
No, you're not, Julia!
Ghetto wedding? Wouldn't miss it.
Gonna light up my Instagram likes.
Oh, look.
There's Mommy Dearest now.
All is forgiven, I bet.
Hi, Mom.
Yup.
No.
No, I'm not coming home.
Ever.
No. Apology not accepted.
Yes, I'm serious.
I'm at Debbie's.
Yeah.
Her tongue is two inches deep into my vagina right now...
No, no! No, it isn't, Claudia.
- Oh, that feels so good! - God damn it.
Give me the phone, Julia!
- She's lying! - Ah, gotta go.
Fuck you, Mom!
What the hell is wrong with you?
Which side of the bed do you want?
I prefer the right.
Closest to the mildewy bathroom.
You want kids?
Hell no.
With your mental problems
and my family's comfort with committing homicides?
You end up marrying Debbie, could knock out a couple.
We could raise 'em together.
You want me banging your little sister?
Yeah, probably be too weird.
Yeah, you think?
I wouldn't mind a kid or two, though.
Well, there's plenty of strays
wandering around the neighborhood.
I'm sure we can pick one up for cheap.
Wow.
You're an ugly motherfucker.
Yeah, well, at least I don't have to hide in a coffin
till the sun goes down.
You ready to do this, Milkovich?
Damn straight, Gallagher.
- Phillip! - Hey!
I got a bunch of these candle things.
- Where do you want 'em? - Uh, yeah.
Put 'em up on the stage and then, uh,
maybe some on the bar too.
- Hey. - Hey.
Got a dress. Where's Debbie?
The bride is in the kitchen.
Babe, clothes.
Where do you want this cake?
Uh, you can put it on the table right there.
Thank you.
- Jesus. - Hey.
This place is a shithole.
- And not in a good way. - No, no, no, no.
It's gonna look a lot better when we turn off the overheads
and light some of the candles; be good.
Yeah, sure, long as our guests are also blind.
Which one of you is the groom?
Ah, Mrs. Wójcik.
Uh, this is the groom, uh,
Michael Milkovich,
and, uh, his best man, Ian Gallagher.
Uh, it's nice to meet you too.
I don't speak that Polish shit...
Ah, nice to meet you. It is such a pleasure.
- We're charmed. - Hey, hey.
Guests are arriving.
Okay. Pleasure.
Hey, what's up, queens?
You finally gonna tie the knot, or what?
Hey, uh, Mrs. Wójcik,
can I ask you to do us a really big favor?
See, my sister, she's freaking out.
I think she's having second thoughts.
- About getting married? - Yeah.
You know, it's been a really emotional day,
you know, with the fire, and...
our mother is no longer alive.
Do you think you could talk to her?
You know, I think a-a few words from you
could really make the difference.
Where is she?
She's just here, just in the kitchen.
Thank you so much.
Where's the rest of the chairs?
Chiavari chairs look nice.
Yeah.
Like how the gold catches the light.
Yeah. Park right here.
The wedding's at the Polish Doll?
Yeah, no, this is not gonna work.
- You coming? - Sorry.
No can do, my friend.
The chick that owns this place hates me.
Tried to stab me more than once.
What'd you do to her?
Many, many things. All consensual.
Although we were both often inebriated.
It was great fun until her husband, Rudy,
returned unexpectedly from his mother's funeral
in the old country, and then...
How long ago was this?
Years. Decades, actually.
She probably won't even remember.
Come on.
She'll remember, all right.
Ugh. My God. I look like a snow cone.
How do I sit down in this thing?
You don't.
Oh, my goodness.
My little Debbie's getting married.
- Here she comes. - How much time do we need?
Forty-five minutes.
- Got it. - Yeah? Okay.
Better hydrate.
Debbie?
Debs?
Go away, Phillip!
Oh, please come out. The guests are arriving.
- So come on. - No! No!
- No! I can't do it. - Oh!
I can't. No!
I know. I know it's scary.
No bride should have to go through this
without their mother.
It's so scary.
You see her?
What does she look like?
Big hair. Big tits.
Scary.
No. Maybe she's not here.
If she is, I'm gonna hold you in front of me
as a human shield.
Woman is quick with a blade.
Here.
Hey, Kev. Kev. Guard that door.
That polka lady tries to come out of the kitchen,
don't let her.
"Don't let her" how?
Tackle her. Punch her. I don't give a shit.
- You gonna sit, sweetheart? - I can't.
I gotta punch an old lady.
Those the Gay Jesus groupies?
Oh, yeah. Ian said they might be coming.
- Hey, man. What's up? - Hey, Geneva.
All right. Rainbow Squad, take the back.
The rest of you, with me out front.
Let's go.
See ya.
Jesus. Debbie know you're coming?
She got down on her hands and knees and begged me.
Where is she?
What's this shit?
What the fuck?
What's this asshole up to?
The hell you doing, Jamie?
You little shit!
Jamie, you come back here!
- No! - You little shit!
- What were you doing, asshole? - Come on, Uncle Terry.
- What? - Let me go, m...
What were you telling that car?
Sandy.
What about Sandy?
She told me to stand out there, tell anyone who showed up
where we moved Mick's wedding 'cause of the fire.
Where? Where'd they move it to?
That-that polka place.
Th-the-the Polish Doll.
Hey. She came.
- What? Who did? - Tami.
Uh, that was in question?
Eh. Could've gone either way.
What'd you do this time?
Fuck off.
You ready?
Yeah.
You choose this shit?
Absolutely.
- You soft motherfucker. - You know it.
- I love you. - I love you too, man.
- ? At last ? - You good?
? My love has come along ?
? My lonely days ?
? Are over ?
? And life is like a song ?
? Oh, yeah, yeah ?
? At last ?
? The skies above are blue ?
? My heart ?
? Was wrapped up in clover ?
? The night I looked at you ?
Dearly beloved,
we have gathered here today to witness and bless
the joining together of these two men
- in holy matrimony. - _
Ian, will you take this man to be your husband?
Will you love him...
Mickey's not marrying that ginger fuck today.
? We shall overcome ?
- Oh, what the hell? - ? Someday ?
- Fuckin' hippie homos. - Jesus.
- Look at all these lesbos. - ? We are not afraid ?
And fairies.
Kumbaya, bitch!
? We are not afraid ?
? We are not afraid today ?
? We are not afraid ?
- ? Today ? - Go!
What do you want me to do?
Drive, fuckhead! I can't shoot 'em all.
? We'll walk hand in hand ?
? Someday ?
Amen!
- Yes! - All right!
- Love wins! - Yeah!
I, Mikhailo, take you, Ian,
to be my husband,
to have and to hold
from this day forward,
for better or worse,
for richer, for poorer...
in sickness and in health...
to love and to cherish you...
till death do us part.
I, Ian,
take you, Mickey,
to be my husband...
to have and to hold you from this day forward,
for better or for worse,
richer or poorer...
in sickness and in health
to love and to cherish you
till death do us part.
Now that Mikhailo and Ian
have given themselves to each other,
with these vows
and the giving and receiving of rings,
I now pronounce you...
husband and husband.
- Now? - Yes, now.
Oh, okay.
Hey, I gotta go now.
You're ready for the wedding now?
The wedding? Oh, I think we missed it.
Wh-what the hell's going on?
Well, that-that homo married that other homo.
What?
Selling lots of booze, though.
Hey.
Zuzzy, how you been?
Don't you fuckin' "Zuzzy" me, Gallagher!
- What's up, buddy? - Frank.
You look underaged and thirsty.
Thanks.
If you're thinking about jumping Sandy, I wouldn't.
She did time for assault.
Juvie, but the guy's still slurping meals
through a straw.
Um, I'm not gay.
- You're not? - No.
Just experimented a bit, but it's not really my thing.
So what is your thing?
Toys and porn.
I like toys.
Okay.
Let's play.
I mean, sometimes I wish I was gay, you know.
Sure, yeah.
Marry your best friend.
Blow jobs. Make each other sandwiches...
Kevin!
- Thank you for inviting me. - Thank you for coming.
- It was so beautiful. - Appreciate that.
And you. Congratulations.
I love you guys.
Be right back.
Why are you hiding that money?
What money?
The money you're hiding under the bar.
I love this song. Let's dance.
- You wanna dance? - $800?
We promised never to keep secrets from each other, Kevin.
- Why? - Why what?
Why did we promise not to keep secrets from each other?
Because not all secrets are bad.
Some secrets are good.
You've been acting so strange.
Is this-is this more of your midlife crisis?
No.
Are you seeing someone?
Another woman? Having an affair?
No. Of course not.
Then what? Why the money?
I-it's gone, okay? I spent it all.
On what?
Oh, my God!
Snoopy Mary!
Way to ruin a surprise!
I wanted to give you with, like, you know, romantic music,
I don't know, candles, maybe a little wine.
Oh, my gosh.
Cost me more than what I had,
but I figured, with Keg Zone, I'd make enough
and I could pay the rest off later.
You like it?
? ...somebody who... ?
Ask me.
? ...to hold me in his arms... ?
Ask me, fool!
- Veronica Fisher, w... - On your knees.
Oh.
? ...love that burns hot enough to last... ?
Veronica Fisher,
will you marry me?
I mean, I gotta find my ex and get a divorce...
Yes!
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
? I wanna feel the heat with somebody ?
Tami.
Hey.
Hi.
Thanks for coming.
I love Ian.
Yeah, it was a-it was a beautiful ceremony, huh?
Will you just...
come look inside the house with me?
You know, it's got-it's got two beds,
bath, big backyard.
I don't need to look inside.
Well, I'm not moving to Milwaukee.
I told you that.
So don't.
Wh-wh-what does that mean?
Fred and I are going.
If you don't wanna come with us,
you don't have to.
You're gonna take Fred?
It's a two-hour train ride.
Come and visit us
whenever you can tear yourself away from your family.
Tami, c-c-c-can't we talk about this or something?
No. No, Lip, because I don't want
your life, okay?
I wanted us to create a life together.
- That's-that's... - Yeah. A life for you...
- that's what I want too! - and me and Fred,
and then you just went out
and did whatever the fuck you wanted to without thinking about us.
I was thinking about you.
- That's all I was doing - How am I ever supposed to trust you again?
- You can trust me. - No, I can't!
Hey, you're not taking Fred!
I'm his mother.
I've got a house and a job.
So...
really wanna take this to court?
You fucking serious?
Y-you're gonna take Fred
to punish me for not wanting to move?
No, Lip, I'm not punishing you!
- Get the fuck outta here! - Jesus!
We're supposed to be in a relationship!
That means that we make important decisions together.
All right! You want me to move to fucking Milwaukee?
I'll move to Milwaukee, all right?
I'll hate it, but if that's what Tami wants...
- You know what? You're an asshole. - That's what Tami gets, right?
- You're an asshole. - I'm an asshole?
Fuck you!
You're the one trying to take away my kid!
No! Our kid, Lip. He is our kid!
Shit.
Come here.
It's okay.
I'm so sorry.
Don't do this, please.
Let's just stop lying to each other.
Okay?
You love your fucked-up family
more than you're ever gonna love me.
That's not true.
Yeah, it is.
You should get back inside there.
Sounds like you're missing a fun time.
- Oh, I got... I can help. - I got it.
No.
Hey. Hey.
I got you.
All right.
Nice dress.
Thank you.
Is that Frank making out with that Polish polka lady?
Yeah. Wow.
I miss Mom.
Yeah.
Monica would've loved today.
? I found a love ?
? For me ?
I should probably go dance with my husband.
? Darlin', just dive right in ?
Go.
? Follow my lead ?
? I found a girl ?
? Beautiful and sweet ?
? I never knew you were the someone ?
? Waiting for me ?
Come on.
? 'Cause we were just kids ?
? When we fell in love ?
? Not knowing what it was ?
? I will not give you up ?
? This time ?
? Darling, just kiss me slow ?
? Your heart is all I own ?
? And in your eyes, you're holding... ?
- Can I get a Coke? - Yeah, sure.
? Baby, I'm... ?
Yeah.
You like some rum in that?
Sure.
? With you between my arms ?
? Barefoot on the grass ?
Thanks.
? Listening to our favorite song ?
? When you said you looked a mess... ?
Listen up, everyone!
I'm the closest thing to a bride we've got.
So I'm throwin' the bouquet!
Line up, single losers!
? You look perfect tonight ?
Right here! Right here, Deb!
? Well, I found a woman ?
? Stronger than anyone I know... ?
Can I get another?
- Sure. - Thanks.
? I'll share her home ?
? I found a love ?
? To carry more than just my secrets ?
? To carry love ?
? To carry children ?
? Of our own ?
? We are still kids, but we're so in love ?
? Fighting against all odds ?
? I know we'll be all right ?
? This time ?
? I don't deserve this ?
? You look perfect ?
? Tonight ?
I'm gonna need that car back eventually.
Are those hickies?
Yeah.
Woman's a wildcat.
It's a myth
about the female libido declining with age.
They get hornier.
I'll keep that in mind.
Zuzanna doesn't hate gays.
It's her husband, Rudy.
Turns out, Rudy's gayer than Liberace.
She found boxes of mano a mano porn
after he died.
The old Polish bastard was a raging gay homophobe.
Aren't all homophobes gay?
Probably so, son.
Probably so.
I need to find a meeting.
Come with me?
Sure.
Let me grab my coat.
What is it?
Shit. I think it's the cops.
- What's with all the banging? - Cops, maybe.
Ugh. What did Frank do now?
- Deborah Gallagher? - Uh, no.
We have an arrest warrant for Deborah Gallagher.
No shit. What for?
Statutory rape of a minor. Julia Nicolo?
Fuck.
We got a runner!
Uh, what's going on?
When's your 18th birthday?
Stop! Police!
Jesus.
Needs some work.
Yeah. No shit.
Two bedrooms?
Yeah.
One bathroom.
Two-car garage.
You got another mask?
Yeah. Absolutely.
Hope my tetanus is up-to-date.
No? Oh.
Good morning, Mr. Gallavich.
Good morning, Mr...
Millagher?
You hungry?
Hmm.
Not really.
Hmm.
You wanna go again?
Absolutely.
Ah, shit!
Oh!
I think your dad might still be a little upset.
CREDITS