Okay, so it looks like everyone agrees
that Paul Rudd is the celebrity with the cutest butt.
So no more fighting about this, okay, guys?
So I guess we're all just pretending
that Dennis Leary doesn't exist.
- That's fine. - Next up,
we are switching over electronics
from SuperCloud to the new Zephra products.
Ah, Sand... Sandra, I am gonna have you
set up the display today.
I scouted a Best Buy and picked up
some really out there ideas.
Oh, Glenn, do you think we're ready?
We'll see.
Um, and Jonah and Justine, you get to help out tomorrow
when the rest of the shipment comes in.
Oh, I'm actually... I'm not here tomorrow.
Oh, yes, um... I forgot to take you off the schedule.
Sorry, um... uh, Sayid, um, you're gonna have to
come in a little early tomorrow to help out.
I have to come in early
because Jonah doesn't feel like working?
Yeah, and you wouldn't give me the day off
to Skype with my boyfriend.
The time difference with Ghana is so tricky.
We haven't even gotten a chance to talk yet.
I'm actually going to a meeting for Raise the Wage.
So this is really to help all of us.
You know what would help us
is if we were all sleeping with the boss.
- Mm-hmm. - Then we could
all take a day off whenever we wanted.
Well, someone would still have to work.
So who doesn't wanna sleep with Amy?
Okay, no, Tina, that's not...
Oh, really? Sayid, wow.
You'd be lucky.
Anyway, I don't give Jonah special treatment.
It's not just Jonah.
It's all your favorites.
Glenn, Garrett, Cheyenne
Oh, Amy, I'm one of your favorites?
- No. - Oh.
I mean, no, I don't have favorites.
Okay, then who here was invited to Emma's quinceañera?
Okay, no more raising hands.
I be corporate HR would love to hear
about the favoritism at this store.
- He's right, they would. - There's no favoritism.
No, guys,
there's no need to call HR, okay?
Jonah, I'm not taking you off the schedule.
So you're gonna have to find someone yourself to cover.
That's totally fair,
and I'm sure I can find somebody else to cover for me.
- Sarah? - No.
Jesus, Sarah, at least take a minute
to pretend to look at your calendar or something.
Synced and corrected by hawken45 for www.addic7ed.com
Okay. Here's the plan.
Myrtle has passed. Rest in peace.
Miss her like cray, but now I can quit the vision center
and be your new assistant.
Mateo, you know it's not as simple as that.
I can't work for Dan anymore.
Every night, he calls me from the McDonald's drive-thru
begging me to talk him out of it.
And I try, but he goes through.
And then it's just ten minutes of him
sobbing and eating and I have to forgive him
every night.
Mateo, I really could use the help right now,
but I can't hire you.
Zephra still uses E-Verify.
- This is so unfair. - I know.
Oh, my God.
I have to give Dan's wife a lift.
To Fort Wayne, Indiana?
Where is that?
Okay, no, no. Mateo, no.
That's crazy. You can't do that.
We'll figure something out. I mean,
maybe if there were some kind of way to...
Do you actually have a plan
or are you just not telling me to be mysterious
or do you have, like, no idea.
I don't know. It's just too risky.
Okay, I'm gonna pee and come back.
What the hell is all this?
Um, it's the display for the new Zephra products.
Yeah, it's also a shoplifter's paradise.
Nothing's locked down.
This phone, swipe.
This tablet, swipe.
This... I don't know what that is.
It's a digital picture frame.
It has Wi-Fi, so you can upload right from your phone.
Really? Cool.
Anyway, swipe.
Look, this is the most expensive merch in the store.
I can't have Zephra thinking
I'm running a buffet for thieves.
Right, but, um... It's actually Glenn's idea
and he's Floor Supervisor now,
so maybe I should ask him.
The only thing you need to ask Glenn
is how a man manages to make it to 60 without hitting puberty.
This is my domain, and I say take it down.
Did you also want me to ask about the puberty?
So then on your books, Mateo would still
get paid by the vision center, but he'd work with me.
And Eugene would stay on my payroll,
but he'd work with you.
But we had a good thing going here.
I mean, we were vibing. It's like...
- Yes. - But I just don't know
- anything about this guy. - I'm Eugene.
He's Eugene! He's the best!
- He's, um, uh... positive. - Mm-hmm.
And, uh...
- He is, uh... so tall. - So tall.
Hm. Eugene, could you get those boxes off
from the top shelf, and take them to the back?
Sure thing.
Hmm. Good extension.
- Nice wide stance. - Uh-huh.
The kid's good.
- I'm sold. - Good.
- Yay! - Great. Awesome.
And, um, also, you know, we should probably
keep all of this on the down low.
Just the fewer people who know, probably the better.
Of course. I mean,
I actually find shared secrets very thrilling.
Okay.
Oh, sure. I can cover your shift, um,
if you can do me a huge favor.
Uh, yeah, sure. Maybe. What is it?
Okay, if the cops call you,
just say that you were with Bo all night last Thursday.
Just if they call. There's, like, an 80% chance.
That's high. That's a high chance.
I'll cover your shift if you work for me next Friday.
Oh, great. Okay, great, yeah.
What's... what's going on Friday?
Oh, nothing. Just having a little thing at my place.
Oh, you're, uh... you're doing a thing.
That's... that's cool. Cool.
So yeah, I'll just, uh... I'll cover for you
while you're having your thing.
- And I'll... I'll be here. - That's how this works.
He wasn't at the ravine. He wasn't at the ravine.
He wasn't... he wasn't at the ravine.
Okay, hi, cops.
Okay, so I swiped this digital picture frame
from electronics because it'll look really cute on your desk.
Ooh. Yes, it would.
Oh, it's gonna be so nice
to have an assistant who actually helps.
Myrtle used to just cut out
pictures of horses from magazines
and tape them to my computer.
Uh, whoa, did you just say Mateo's your new assistant?
How's that possible?
I thought he couldn't work for Cloud 9.
- Um... - Well, uh...
I just found out that, um, I got a work permit.
My lawyer called me this morning.
I just haven't had time to tell anybody.
Ah Mateo, that's awesome!
But Amy, that's bung.
I mean, you say you don't play favorites,
but then you give the sweet assistant job
to your brother-in-law.
Okay, Mateo is not my brother-in-law.
He and Eric are just boyfriends.
Boyfriends?
Did he say boyfriends?
Well, I'd want the job, too.
I've been dying for a desk job.
At least give us a chance to interview for it.
- Yeah, come on. - Or maybe we should call HR
- after all. - Look, you guys,
I just... I didn't realize
that there would be so much excitement for the job,
So seeing as it's not finalized...
- I'm sorry, it's not. - Nope.
Uh, let's... let's open this up.
- Yes! - Uh, anyone can apply.
Anyone.
Okay, let's start by hearing
everybody's work experience.
You first, Justine.
Oh, okay. Well, um, I have worked here
for over three years,
and before that I was a dog groomer
So I guess you could say
I am good with hot-tempered bitches.
I'm sorry. I'm very nervous.
No, thank you, Justine, for answering the question.
Okay, Marcus, you next.
Let's see, before Cloud 9,
I did some office management for my dad's business,
mostly answering phones and filing.
Oh, so... so, like, assistant stuff?
- Yeah. - Wow. That's fun
and surprising.
Okay, Mateo, uh, you?
I, um, can type 100 words per minute.
- Oh, wow. - And I am currently
on a three month trial of the full Microsoft Office Suite.
Oh, hey, look at that.
Triscuit sale, two-for-one.
Hey, you've got a thing coming up.
Is that, uh... do you need... do you need snacks
or is it, like, a non-snack gathering?
Okay, buddy, you're being weird.
My thing next Friday is just a few dudes
that you don't even know.
No work people have been invited.
So just relax.
Okay. Is... is Randy invited?
Yeah, sure. Randy's gonna be there.
I know Randy. I used to say hi to him all the time
back when we lived together.
In fact, he even asked me to move my car once
'cause I was blocking him in.
Yeah, I just don't like mixing my worlds.
I don't bug you for hanging out with Amy and her kids all the time.
I'm not always hanging out with Amy.
Look, I'm not saying it like it's a bad thing.
It's just you got your own stuff going on,
I got my own stuff going on.
To each their own stuff. It's great.
But I... I have room for more stuff.
I'm like a hatchback.
You can always cram more in me.
Don't... don't make it dirty.
Sandra, what are you doing?
Dina said this was a bad idea
and told me to redo the display.
Oh, Dina said that.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
She can't stand that I have authority now,
so she's trying to cut me off at the thighs.
Well, I'm the floor supervisor,
so... so put it all back,
And make it bigger.
What do you mean bigger?
I mean bigger!
Bigger.
So, looks like we have a last-minute applicant.
- Cheyenne. - Hey.
Yeah, I really want this job,
but now that I see Mateo's here,
it's like, what's the point?
I should just give up now. We all should.
Okay, thank you, Cheyenne.
All right, let's continue with hypothetical scenarios.
Uh, Mateo, if I were to ask you to file a 1038[b] form,
that would require you to...
Fax a copy of the incident report
along with the updated employee information.
Boom.
Uh, yeah.
Okay, uh, good.
Hold up, you're forgetting that you have to
give Linda in legal a heads up
'cause you need a 1022[c].
I've had to deal with a lot of accidents in the warehouse.
Especially before Michael was fired.
That guy loved his nail gun.
And heroin.
Well, uh, Marcus, that is all very correct.
Well, Mateo got the first part
of the question right, he just biffed the important part.
So glad you're here, Cheyenne.
I thought Mateo was a shoo-in.
Yeah, so did I until Marcus started
acting like not an idiot.
And now I can't just pick Mateo
without everyone thinking I'm playing favorites
the way they thought I was giving you special treatment
just 'cause you're my boyfriend.
You know what? I'm tired of everybody thinking of me
as just your boyfriend, okay?
Even Garrett sees me like that.
He thinks I spend all of my time
with you and the kids.
Well, I mean, you kinda do.
- Oh, come on. - But if you wanted to, like,
spend more time with your boys,
I'd be totally cool with that.
- Do you have boys? - Yes.
Yes, I have boys.
I have lots of boys.
- Shane. - Mm.
Grant. Julien.
Julien, Emma's French tutor?
We connected. We both love the cuisine.
Hey, Garrett.
Hey. What's up?
I forgot my lunch, so I'm just
grabbing something from the café.
Ah, come on. You don't wanna put this garbage in your body.
Not garbage.
Enjoy your... your cheese dog, sir.
Uh, anyway. I was gonna take Amy out to lunch.
But guess who I'm taking instead?
Oh. God, why?
Are you kidding me?
Dina, don't you dare.
As assistant manager, I have authority over Sandra.
Uh, I also have authority over Sandra
because you and I are equal now.
Oh, please. Sandra, take it down.
Sandra, no. You leave it up.
If you don't listen to me,
I will write you up for insubordination.
Oh, too late, 'cause I'm already writing you up.
No, no, no, no. Not if I get there first!
- What is the form number? - B-17.
Thank you. Did they change it?
- Yes, they did. - Is that gonna count
as one write up or two?
- One! - Two!
Sounds good.
Okay, uh, Justine.
I would say that you should be able
to ask the vendor when the shipment will be delivered
without making a joke about his package.
Okay. Got it.
Yeah, I'm still trying to learn all your little quirks, so...
Okay, Mateo, you're up.
Why don't you call our produce vendor
and check the date of our next delivery.
Good afternoon, ma'am.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
You have a uniquely high voice.
I didn't know that could happen after a stroke.
I do believe you. I...
My voice just got higher. I'm not mocking you.
Hello? Hello?
Whoa, I can't go after that.
That was so good.
I got this.
Okay.
Jeanie! It's Marcus from the warehouse.
Hey, I was calling to see if I could check
when that shipment's gonna be coming in.
Is there any chance we could push that up to Wednesday?
Oh. Jeanie in a bottle.
'Cause you're making wishes come true.
Buh-bye.
Did you actually just get them to move the shipment up?
The key is to talk directly to the truck drivers.
Now, I have a great relationship with them
since I work in the warehouse.
Oh, do you work in a warehouse, Marcus?
I didn't know because you only mentioned it,
like, a million times.
Okay, that doesn't even make sense.
There's no way I could've said a million words.
That would've taken years.
Dina doesn't want me putting items on the floor.
Well, I am gonna show her just how many items
I can put on the floor.
I'm gonna put out thousands.
There's only 78 tablets.
Well, then we'll put out 78,
but it'll be the most 78 you've ever seen.
Oh, absolutely not.
Get out of my way. Come on!
Sandra, block her with your body!
- Sandra, subdue him. - No! Ah...
- Sandra, what are you doing? - I'm sick of you two.
Figure it out.
I don't need the stress.
A chunk of my hair fell out,
and I will not be bald for my wedding!
All right, all right.
Wings are on the way.
I got tokens for skee-ball and I got a table keg.
Dude, you know we have to go back to work.
Who cares? Who cares? Don't worry about it.
This is our bro time.
This is our brocade.
Well, that's a... that's a type of embroidery, but you get it.
Hey, look, man, you don't have to prove anything.
It's just, you're in a different phase
in your life right now, and that's okay.
Oh, look who it is.
- Hey, Randy. - Hey.
Randy, what are you doing here?
Joseph DM'd me.
- Joseph. - Jonah.
Uh, he said Garrett really needs you right now.
Yeah, needs you to hang with us, uh,
because it's guys' night, you know?
Guys'... well, it's lunch, so...
Guys'... guys' lunch.
Dude.
Not gonna lie, it's getting hard to hype you up in there.
Not 'cause I don't think you deserve it,
just 'cause you're doing so bad.
I didn't think Marcus would be good.
Well, neither did I.
What, did he take the "Limitless" pill?
You know, the movie "Limitless"
where the guy takes the pill, and...
This isn't the time, Amy.
Okay.
You have to fix this. Now.
I know. Okay...
maybe I can ask everybody to do things
that only you're good at.
- Okay. - Mm, oh, yeah.
Like kissing your brother.
I'm not ruling it out.
I see you took the initiative to make my favorite meal.
Um... Oh, mushrooms.
Wait, aren't you allergic to mushrooms?
- You are? - No... no...
I love them.
Can you go get my EpiPen?
? There were nights where the wind was so cold ?
You really need your assistant to sing to you?
It helps with stress. You should've known that.
- Ten points deducted. - No
? Right outside the window ?
? To dance with my father again ?
- Oh. - My gosh.
Wow.
A swing and a miss.
There she is. There's our girl.
Have you guys worked things out?
We have, and we want to apologize.
We were acting like such fools.
Okay. So who do I listen to about the display?
- Me. - Me.
Dina, we agreed it would be me.
No, we agreed it would be me
because I knew she would never believe
that I would let you be in charge.
Let... I am in charge.
- You? - Yes.
You have diabetes. You aren't even in control
of your own glucose.
When you're done typing up the memo,
print it out, and then run it back here to me.
- Done. - Yes.
What the hell? You said you typed 100 words a minute.
I lied, okay? Everyone says that.
Ah, where's the printer? Who moved the printer?
Sayid, where's the printer?
I won't tell you. I have an alliance with Justine
How does that even work?
- Coming through! - No!
I did it, I did it. Ah.
- Whoo! I got the job. - Whoo!
I won, I won. Victory lap.
Guys, carry me out. Come on, let's go.
- There's a lot to consider... - Whoo! Yeah!
- Marcus! Marcus! - Still have to assess the...
I know it wasn't the plan,
but I think you'll be really happy with him.
I can't give you this position.
What? I crushed the interview.
Yeah, no, I know.
Part of me was like, what are you,
taking the "Limitless" pill?
Amy, no one saw that movie.
Yeah, but you know the premise,
so the joke is good, it works.
Anyway, I need to give this to Mateo.
Oh! Of course you were gonna pick one of your favorites.
This whole interview process was a fake.
No... I mean, yes, but not for the reasons you think.
Look, Mateo never got a work permit.
I convinced Dan to keep him on the books
and let him work for me.
You know how miserable he's been in that job.
So please don't tell HR.
Oh, man.
I... I totally get it.
He... of course he should get the job.
Right? Thank you for understanding.
No problem. I'll just take the pay raise
and then we're good.
I'm sorry, wh... what? No.
Well, I mean, I did still win.
And it just seems like if you want me
to keep quiet about all this,
you should make it worth my while. Right?
Okay, well, how about weekends off?
Oh, man, that's such a good start.
Okay, Marcus, just tell me what you want.
Amy, I... I think we both know what I want.
Mm.
And I've been wanting it for a very long time.
Hey, Rico, check it out. I got a desk.
Whoo!
So you're telling me there was a second encore?
What? That's crazy. What song was it?
I, um, don't know what it's called.
Anyways, Jake was going nuts
and Margo wanted to leave early.
Oh, uh, Margo. You told me about Margo.
She's, uh, the, like, super annoying one
with the fish face.
He does such a good...
Margo's my girlfriend.
Oh, that's...
No, you never mentioned... That's, yeah,
I'm thinking of a different Mar... we know so many.
So, different Margo.
So you think my girlfriend's annoying?
No, I just...
You know what?
I didn't like Colleen, but I kept that to myself
and I definitely didn't talk about her behind your back.
Not cool, man.
He'll... he'll probably just Venmo us for his... his portion.
You know what? I'm gonna... I'll get it.
I should... I'm gonna get it.
So your new desk is gonna be here in three days.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, and tomorrow I was thinking of doing
Mariah Carey's "Fantasy."
And then on Tuesday, maybe Patti LaBelle, or...
Oh, no Mateo,
you don't actually have to sing to me.
Oh.
Uh, for sure. Yeah. I mean, that...
that makes the most sense.
She's not coming back, huh?
Nope, guess this is dinner.
Mm, mm. Don't eat too much.
Save that for later.
Oh!
Do you mind if I play a little harmonica?
- Yeah! - Practice.
- You're very talented. - Thank you.
credits