1 00:00:04,094 --> 00:00:06,798 Good morning, sunshine. How was your night in the yard? 2 00:00:06,831 --> 00:00:09,067 Perfect. I like sleeping outside. 3 00:00:09,099 --> 00:00:10,801 Mm-hmm. 4 00:00:10,835 --> 00:00:12,270 Haley lost her keys again. 5 00:00:12,303 --> 00:00:14,472 She's been going through this irresponsible phase. 6 00:00:14,505 --> 00:00:17,474 Yeah, for 25 years. I'm not gonna let her get to 26. 7 00:00:17,508 --> 00:00:20,345 Just to be clear, Claire's not going to kill her. 8 00:00:22,913 --> 00:00:24,982 Let me in! Please! 9 00:00:25,016 --> 00:00:26,151 - No. - Please? 10 00:00:26,183 --> 00:00:28,653 This is just like when we Ferberized her as a baby. 11 00:00:28,686 --> 00:00:31,156 Let her cry it out. She'll settle down. 12 00:00:31,189 --> 00:00:32,991 Why?! 13 00:00:33,024 --> 00:00:34,993 What if I just throw a blanket out there? 14 00:00:35,025 --> 00:00:36,394 Something that smells like us. 15 00:00:36,427 --> 00:00:39,830 You can't leave me out here! It's 2:00 in the morning! 16 00:00:39,863 --> 00:00:41,833 I have to change for a party. 17 00:00:41,866 --> 00:00:43,400 Good night, honey. 18 00:00:59,150 --> 00:01:00,918 - Morning, Phil. - No! 19 00:01:00,951 --> 00:01:03,088 It's not a... It's not a good morning. 20 00:01:03,121 --> 00:01:04,522 It's gonna be an even worse day. 21 00:01:04,555 --> 00:01:07,192 Every morning, before I shower, I kick off my underwear. 22 00:01:07,225 --> 00:01:09,693 If I catch it, it's gonna be a great day. 23 00:01:09,726 --> 00:01:10,928 If I don't... 24 00:01:10,961 --> 00:01:11,996 No! 25 00:01:12,029 --> 00:01:13,330 disaster. 26 00:01:13,363 --> 00:01:15,332 I know that sounds crazy, but it's an old family ritual 27 00:01:15,365 --> 00:01:17,601 my grandfather did until the day he died... 28 00:01:17,634 --> 00:01:21,705 a day... you guessed it... that he dropped his underwear. 29 00:01:21,738 --> 00:01:23,008 I don't know what happened. 30 00:01:23,041 --> 00:01:24,109 It was a strong kick, 31 00:01:24,142 --> 00:01:25,342 ankle flick was on point. 32 00:01:25,375 --> 00:01:27,378 It is just a ridiculous superstition. 33 00:01:27,412 --> 00:01:28,880 Ridiculous? Let's review. 34 00:01:28,913 --> 00:01:30,515 They day I Rollerbladed into bees... 35 00:01:30,547 --> 00:01:31,815 - I dropped my underwear. - Mm. 36 00:01:31,848 --> 00:01:33,817 The night I Rollerbladed into that campfire... 37 00:01:33,850 --> 00:01:35,219 How about you stop Rollerblading? 38 00:01:35,252 --> 00:01:36,654 How about I stop breathing? 39 00:01:37,555 --> 00:01:39,157 When I miss my catch, the best thing I can do 40 00:01:39,190 --> 00:01:40,792 is just wait it out in a safe place. 41 00:01:40,824 --> 00:01:42,226 Unh-unh. Not today. No, no, no. 42 00:01:42,259 --> 00:01:43,460 We have a ton of errands to get done 43 00:01:43,493 --> 00:01:44,895 before we go see Steely Dan this afternoon. 44 00:01:44,928 --> 00:01:46,363 - What time is that? - 3:00 p.m. 45 00:01:46,397 --> 00:01:49,034 - Why is it so... - They are not young men, Phil. 46 00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:51,669 Great. My phone is broken, and it's your fault. 47 00:01:51,702 --> 00:01:52,971 How do you figure that? 48 00:01:53,003 --> 00:01:54,639 Because I had to throw it at some squirrels last night 49 00:01:54,672 --> 00:01:55,974 to keep them from attacking me. 50 00:01:56,006 --> 00:01:57,475 You guys have to buy me a new one. 51 00:01:57,508 --> 00:01:59,009 Costing me money. It's already happening. 52 00:01:59,043 --> 00:02:01,679 No, it's not costing you money because we are not buying her a new phone. 53 00:02:01,711 --> 00:02:02,514 What?! 54 00:02:02,547 --> 00:02:03,881 But I need it for work. 55 00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:05,517 I sit on a stupid golf course all day. 56 00:02:05,550 --> 00:02:06,884 What else am I supposed to look at? 57 00:02:06,917 --> 00:02:08,153 You can have a new phone 58 00:02:08,185 --> 00:02:09,720 when you can afford a new phone. 59 00:02:09,753 --> 00:02:11,388 Phil, would you cut and toast those bagels? 60 00:02:11,422 --> 00:02:12,990 With the knife? 61 00:02:13,024 --> 00:02:15,160 Sweetie, here are the spare keys. 62 00:02:15,192 --> 00:02:16,594 I would like you to make yourself a copy. 63 00:02:16,626 --> 00:02:18,362 I can't wait to find out 64 00:02:18,395 --> 00:02:19,930 how you lose those. 65 00:02:19,964 --> 00:02:22,333 No wonder the neighbors think you're so mean. 66 00:02:22,365 --> 00:02:24,268 You hear everything when you sleep outside. 67 00:02:30,108 --> 00:02:32,243 Gloria! 68 00:02:34,978 --> 00:02:38,083 I was just out in the garage. Is there anything you want to tell me? 69 00:02:38,115 --> 00:02:39,083 Uh, yes. 70 00:02:39,116 --> 00:02:41,052 I got rid of your exercise machine. 71 00:02:41,084 --> 00:02:42,141 It was a piece of junk. 72 00:02:42,196 --> 00:02:43,998 You owe me and Chuck Norris an apology. 73 00:02:44,030 --> 00:02:47,201 But I'm talking about the dent in your car. 74 00:02:47,234 --> 00:02:48,837 Did you hit something we can talk about, 75 00:02:48,869 --> 00:02:50,838 or should I hose the front and find a body shop 76 00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:53,340 - that doesn't ask questions? - I didn't hit anything. 77 00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:55,210 Someone must have hit me when 78 00:02:55,243 --> 00:02:57,212 I was inside the store with Joe. 79 00:02:57,244 --> 00:02:58,712 But talking about accidents, 80 00:02:58,745 --> 00:03:01,281 if your dog pees one more time 81 00:03:01,315 --> 00:03:02,716 in one of my slippers, 82 00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:04,952 I may accidentally leave her at the beach. 83 00:03:04,986 --> 00:03:08,055 I would never let that happen. And don't lash out at her. 84 00:03:08,089 --> 00:03:10,224 If you crashed the car, just tell me. 85 00:03:10,257 --> 00:03:11,458 I didn't. 86 00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:13,460 And I don't appreciate being called a liar. 87 00:03:13,494 --> 00:03:17,397 Are you kidding? You can never admit to making a mistake and it drives me crazy. 88 00:03:17,430 --> 00:03:18,700 Remember that romantic trip 89 00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:20,400 we took to Rome, Indiana? 90 00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:21,736 That's where I wanted to go. 91 00:03:21,768 --> 00:03:23,070 I meant to buy those tickets. 92 00:03:23,103 --> 00:03:24,339 Then why did you learn Italian? 93 00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:25,472 Mamma mia, Jay. 94 00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:27,075 If I had been in an accident, 95 00:03:27,107 --> 00:03:28,542 I will admit it. 96 00:03:28,576 --> 00:03:30,144 Now, I have to go 97 00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:32,547 and buy more slippers online. 98 00:03:32,579 --> 00:03:34,249 Try not to crash the computer. 99 00:03:34,281 --> 00:03:35,415 Hey, Cam. 100 00:03:35,448 --> 00:03:37,317 So, the towel girl at the gym 101 00:03:37,351 --> 00:03:38,820 said that I look like 102 00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:40,188 an old Prince Harry. 103 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,155 - Shh! Shh! - Oh, come on. 104 00:03:42,189 --> 00:03:43,490 Are you eavesdropping on Pam again? 105 00:03:43,523 --> 00:03:45,359 Yes. I'm trying to, but you keep talking. 106 00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:46,660 She's on the phone. 107 00:03:46,694 --> 00:03:48,897 Oh, baby, I miss you, too. 108 00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:51,064 If you were here, you can't believe... 109 00:03:51,097 --> 00:03:52,399 No. No. Okay, that's just gross. 110 00:03:52,433 --> 00:03:53,668 - That's your sister. - Shh. 111 00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:55,269 things I'd do to you. 112 00:03:55,303 --> 00:03:58,172 I know you only got 10 minutes... 113 00:03:58,204 --> 00:04:00,007 10 minutes? He's on a time limit? 114 00:04:00,041 --> 00:04:01,075 let me get to the dirty parts... 115 00:04:01,107 --> 00:04:02,442 She's talking to Bo in jail. 116 00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:03,678 Bo is Pam's baby daddy... 117 00:04:03,710 --> 00:04:04,712 currently incarcerated 118 00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:06,113 back in Grasshopper, Missouri, 119 00:04:06,147 --> 00:04:07,347 for punching a police horse. 120 00:04:07,381 --> 00:04:09,017 And now, I'm worried she's just gonna 121 00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:11,385 throw her future away by getting back together with him. 122 00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:16,124 It's crazy how weak she is with him when she's so strong in other ways. 123 00:04:16,157 --> 00:04:19,694 I mean, she is the three-time winner of the country-fair mule drag. 124 00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:21,896 Step away from the pipe, Cam. 125 00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:24,564 - Come on. You're better than that. - No, I'm not, and neither are you. 126 00:04:24,597 --> 00:04:27,302 You eavesdropped on that couple behind us at "Bridget Jones's Baby." 127 00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:29,436 Oh, no, that wasn't eavesdropping. We were in public. 128 00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:32,774 And do you think I really wanted to hear that moron's recap of the first movie? 129 00:04:32,807 --> 00:04:34,641 Half those details were from "Love Actually." 130 00:04:34,674 --> 00:04:36,778 Do you think I'm happy about this situation? 131 00:04:36,811 --> 00:04:39,080 I wish I couldn't even hear her at all! 132 00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:41,749 Hey, Boss, are you done listening to your sister? 133 00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,751 The boys are asking if they can use the table saw again. 134 00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:45,819 Okay, well, he's joking. 135 00:04:45,852 --> 00:04:47,422 Before Francisco was a contractor, 136 00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:49,324 he did stand-up comedy in Guatemala. 137 00:04:49,357 --> 00:04:50,758 Not just in Guatemala. 138 00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:52,559 Actually, I'm doing 10 minutes this Friday night at the... 139 00:04:52,593 --> 00:04:53,628 Oh, we have dinner reservations. 140 00:04:53,660 --> 00:04:55,262 - Oh, gay holiday. Yeah, um... - Yeah. 141 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:58,098 So, look, but I do want to talk about the sink before you leave. 142 00:04:58,131 --> 00:04:59,600 Sorry, Mitch. That ship has sailed. 143 00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:02,804 Oh, also, did you bring the new tiles for the backsplash? 144 00:05:02,836 --> 00:05:04,571 Yes, they're in my truck. I'll be right back, Boss. 145 00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:06,073 Great. Okay. Yeah. Go get those. 146 00:05:06,107 --> 00:05:08,142 Hey, um, I-I don't want to make a big deal about this, 147 00:05:08,174 --> 00:05:11,345 but do you notice how he calls you "Boss" and me "Mitch"? 148 00:05:11,379 --> 00:05:12,780 - No, but I did notice... - Yeah. 149 00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:14,848 how one of his little pouches on his tool belt 150 00:05:14,881 --> 00:05:17,150 is filled with jelly beans. How cute is that? 151 00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:19,754 The point is, he treats you like the actual boss 152 00:05:19,787 --> 00:05:22,489 and me like I'm some, you know, ditzy trophy wife. 153 00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:25,826 First of all, I thought we agreed we had the rare dual-trophy-wife situation. 154 00:05:25,859 --> 00:05:27,528 - Yeah. - And aside from that, 155 00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:30,665 maybe it's because I'm a little more, you know, assertive. 156 00:05:30,698 --> 00:05:32,700 Do you think so? Because I actually have thought that. 157 00:05:32,732 --> 00:05:34,501 I mean, maybe I'm too passive, 158 00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:36,337 which could be why my career has stalled... 159 00:05:36,340 --> 00:05:36,939 No. 160 00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:40,507 or I agreed to have sex with all three women who asked me. 161 00:05:40,540 --> 00:05:42,542 - Okay. - Oh, it was so gentle... 162 00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:43,878 - Mm-hmm. - and gross. 163 00:05:43,910 --> 00:05:44,977 You know what? Well, now's your chance. 164 00:05:45,048 --> 00:05:47,751 You can show Francisco that you're the big dog. 165 00:05:47,784 --> 00:05:49,787 It's all about body language, okay? 166 00:05:49,820 --> 00:05:52,255 - Show him you can lead the pack. - Here you go, Boss. 167 00:05:52,289 --> 00:05:53,890 Let me know which one you like best, all right? 168 00:05:53,924 --> 00:05:56,859 Well, when we decide, we will let you know. 169 00:05:56,892 --> 00:05:59,796 But first, I wanted to talk about the, uh... the dishwasher. 170 00:05:59,830 --> 00:06:01,899 Uh, I wanted it over here on the left, 171 00:06:01,931 --> 00:06:04,068 but now, for some reason, it's on the right. 172 00:06:04,101 --> 00:06:06,770 I would like it on the left like I asked. 173 00:06:06,803 --> 00:06:07,938 Asserted? 174 00:06:07,970 --> 00:06:09,305 - Um... - No, no, no, no. 175 00:06:09,339 --> 00:06:11,541 Eyes... Eyes over here, okay? This... This is my thing. 176 00:06:11,575 --> 00:06:12,743 Well, let me show you something. 177 00:06:12,775 --> 00:06:13,743 - Yeah. - All right, look under the sink. 178 00:06:13,777 --> 00:06:14,979 Will do. 179 00:06:15,012 --> 00:06:17,615 Go down. All the way. 180 00:06:17,647 --> 00:06:19,383 Okay, now, get in there. 181 00:06:19,416 --> 00:06:21,552 Look up. Do you see that post on your left? 182 00:06:21,585 --> 00:06:22,719 Wait. Ho... Okay. 183 00:06:22,753 --> 00:06:26,091 I can't move that, which is why the dishwasher needs to stay where it is. 184 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:30,294 - Anything else? - No, I'm good. 185 00:06:30,327 --> 00:06:31,895 Got some sawdust on your shirt. 186 00:06:31,928 --> 00:06:35,132 It tickles. 187 00:06:39,835 --> 00:06:41,404 Hey, kid. Wake up. 188 00:06:41,438 --> 00:06:43,240 We need to talk. 189 00:06:43,272 --> 00:06:44,241 What? 190 00:06:44,274 --> 00:06:47,111 Your mom's car got a big dent in it. 191 00:06:47,143 --> 00:06:49,078 Now, I know you were with her. 192 00:06:49,111 --> 00:06:50,748 Did you see how that happened? 193 00:06:50,780 --> 00:06:54,584 Someone must have hit the car when we were in the store. 194 00:06:54,618 --> 00:06:55,953 That's what your mom said, 195 00:06:55,986 --> 00:06:58,989 but if it was something else, like, I don't know, 196 00:06:59,022 --> 00:07:01,992 she got into a little fender bender, you could tell me. 197 00:07:02,025 --> 00:07:05,361 Someone must have hit the car when we were in the store. 198 00:07:05,395 --> 00:07:07,597 I know she got to you, but, uh... 199 00:07:07,630 --> 00:07:11,129 - I need you to tell me the truth. - Is that ice cream for me? 200 00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:12,099 Could be. 201 00:07:12,101 --> 00:07:14,103 What happened to your mom's car? 202 00:07:14,705 --> 00:07:18,775 - Mmmmm... - I can wait all day, 203 00:07:18,808 --> 00:07:21,445 but the trouble with ice cream is, it melts. 204 00:07:21,477 --> 00:07:22,845 I like it when it melts. 205 00:07:22,878 --> 00:07:24,114 What do you mean you like it when it melts? 206 00:07:24,147 --> 00:07:25,683 Nobody likes ice cream when it melts. 207 00:07:25,715 --> 00:07:27,685 - It's like soup. - You hate soup. 208 00:07:27,717 --> 00:07:28,818 Not chocolate soup. 209 00:07:28,852 --> 00:07:30,654 Look, we're getting off track here. 210 00:07:30,686 --> 00:07:32,622 Tell me what happened to your mom's car, 211 00:07:32,655 --> 00:07:33,725 and you can have your ice cream. 212 00:07:33,727 --> 00:07:35,230 Hello, Jay. 213 00:07:35,232 --> 00:07:36,976 - Gloria, I... - Look at you, 214 00:07:36,978 --> 00:07:41,130 trying to bribe a five-year-old. You should be ashamed. 215 00:07:41,164 --> 00:07:43,133 Let's go, Joe. Now that you're awake, 216 00:07:43,166 --> 00:07:45,703 Mommy's gonna fix you a healthy snack. 217 00:07:50,868 --> 00:07:51,870 Check her phone. 218 00:07:52,051 --> 00:07:53,953 - Huh? - Check her phone. 219 00:07:53,955 --> 00:07:55,323 And leave the ice cream. 220 00:07:55,403 --> 00:07:57,373 It'll be nice and warm when I get back. 221 00:08:01,396 --> 00:08:03,332 Oh, Phil, could you change the lightbulb down in the kitchen? 222 00:08:03,366 --> 00:08:04,868 First you ask me to help clean the window screens. 223 00:08:04,900 --> 00:08:07,037 Now you want me to do something with a ladder and electricity? 224 00:08:07,069 --> 00:08:08,804 Have you forgotten about my underwear, Claire? 225 00:08:08,838 --> 00:08:11,208 Look, I have friends whose husbands are mean 226 00:08:11,241 --> 00:08:13,343 or drink too much or don't come home at all. 227 00:08:13,376 --> 00:08:16,213 And in that moment, I envied those friends. 228 00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:18,715 Fine. I will change the lightbulb in the kitchen. 229 00:08:18,747 --> 00:08:22,551 You can put away this nice, soft, fluffy laundry. 230 00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:24,154 - All right. - Don't worry. 231 00:08:24,186 --> 00:08:26,355 There's not even any zippers or buttons. 232 00:08:26,388 --> 00:08:27,891 Nothing sharp in there. 233 00:08:27,924 --> 00:08:31,728 Wouldn't want you to lose a finger in a tragic folding incident. 234 00:08:34,464 --> 00:08:36,099 Oh, hey. 235 00:08:36,132 --> 00:08:39,536 I was putting away that harmless laundry when I stepped on Luke's skateboard, 236 00:08:39,568 --> 00:08:42,071 rolled out the screenless window, and landed in the hedge. 237 00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:43,440 But you're right. 238 00:08:43,473 --> 00:08:45,775 I'm sure it had nothing to do with the underwear. 239 00:08:45,807 --> 00:08:47,109 It's self-fulfilling. 240 00:08:47,143 --> 00:08:51,447 Phil believes something bad is gonna happen, so he makes it happen. 241 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:53,883 Ow! Paper cut. 242 00:08:53,916 --> 00:08:55,352 Of course, today. 243 00:08:55,384 --> 00:08:56,452 Seriously? 244 00:08:56,485 --> 00:08:58,187 Is this part of the underwear prophecy? 245 00:08:58,220 --> 00:09:00,157 Aren't you being a little dramatic? 246 00:09:03,326 --> 00:09:04,728 Phil? 247 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:07,129 Little bit harder to connect the dots on that one. 248 00:09:07,162 --> 00:09:10,066 But coincidences do happen. 249 00:09:10,099 --> 00:09:11,268 Honey, it's fine. 250 00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:14,304 We'll just finish our errands on a day when you catch your underwear. 251 00:09:14,336 --> 00:09:15,705 Oh, do you have the tickets? 252 00:09:15,738 --> 00:09:18,074 They're in the car, but I don't think I should drive. 253 00:09:18,106 --> 00:09:22,545 Fine, but you are driving home, because today, I'm reelin' in the wine. 254 00:09:22,577 --> 00:09:24,581 Oh, you've got the keys. Can you toss them to me? 255 00:09:24,614 --> 00:09:26,282 Yeah, here. No! 256 00:09:30,253 --> 00:09:32,922 No! Those are our keys! Stop! 257 00:09:32,955 --> 00:09:37,261 Man plans to go to Steely Dan. God laughs. 258 00:09:38,528 --> 00:09:40,629 Damn it. Haley has our other set of keys. 259 00:09:40,662 --> 00:09:44,234 Yes, Claire, I do think it bit me a little! 260 00:09:44,267 --> 00:09:45,902 Gloria, I'm sorry. 261 00:09:45,935 --> 00:09:47,304 You're my wife. 262 00:09:47,336 --> 00:09:48,904 I love you, and I trust you. 263 00:09:48,937 --> 00:09:52,508 You can't reason with a sociopath. You lure them with kindness. 264 00:09:52,542 --> 00:09:55,311 You lull them into thinking you're on the same side, 265 00:09:55,345 --> 00:10:00,616 and then nail them with incontrovertible evidence, which I had. 266 00:10:00,649 --> 00:10:05,321 I also found out I'm still listed in her phone as "Jay, Red Tracksuit." 267 00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:08,124 If you say you weren't in an accident, I believe you. 268 00:10:08,157 --> 00:10:12,829 - Thank you, baby. - There is just... one more thing. 269 00:10:12,861 --> 00:10:14,296 Is that my phone? 270 00:10:14,330 --> 00:10:17,933 Yeah. You've got a lot of interesting pictures here, but especially this one. 271 00:10:17,966 --> 00:10:22,472 It looks like the front end of your car is rammed into the back end of this car. 272 00:10:22,504 --> 00:10:24,441 Now, I'm not an insurance adjuster, 273 00:10:24,474 --> 00:10:28,143 but I would say that that's pretty solid proof you were in an accident. 274 00:10:28,177 --> 00:10:29,379 That's not my car. 275 00:10:29,412 --> 00:10:31,480 But why would you take a picture of some random accident? 276 00:10:31,513 --> 00:10:34,017 To remind me of how precious life is. 277 00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:35,118 That's your license plate. 278 00:10:35,151 --> 00:10:37,686 Do you even know who makes license plates, Jay? 279 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:38,955 Prisoners! 280 00:10:38,988 --> 00:10:43,026 Are you gonna take the word of a convicted felon over your wife's? 281 00:10:43,058 --> 00:10:44,626 - Makes no sense. - Exactly. 282 00:10:44,659 --> 00:10:47,563 What is your problem?! Don't you see what this is doing to me?! 283 00:10:47,596 --> 00:10:50,165 I need to know that you can admit when you made a mistake. 284 00:10:50,199 --> 00:10:52,402 I know there's good in you, Gloria! 285 00:10:52,435 --> 00:10:54,604 Here you go. 286 00:10:57,201 --> 00:10:59,003 I... I am so sorry. 287 00:10:59,035 --> 00:11:00,436 Cherish this. 288 00:11:00,470 --> 00:11:03,374 It was the longest I've been without a phone since phones. 289 00:11:03,407 --> 00:11:05,976 It was hard at first... the twitching thumbs, 290 00:11:06,009 --> 00:11:09,446 the phantom vibrations, salads left un-Instagrammed. 291 00:11:09,479 --> 00:11:11,382 But then the strangest thing happened. 292 00:11:13,884 --> 00:11:15,720 Have you ever stopped to smell these things? 293 00:11:18,922 --> 00:11:22,660 It's been years since I LOL'd IRL. 294 00:11:22,692 --> 00:11:25,495 I even found an old book in the truck and started reading it. 295 00:11:25,528 --> 00:11:28,099 The only problem was, people kept interrupting. 296 00:11:32,068 --> 00:11:33,703 I didn't need a phone anymore. 297 00:11:33,736 --> 00:11:37,429 I just needed a quiet place to find out how they kill that mockingbird. 298 00:11:38,008 --> 00:11:41,078 Hey, excuse me. 299 00:11:41,110 --> 00:11:42,679 Excuse me! 300 00:11:42,712 --> 00:11:45,381 S-Sorry to bother you while you sand, Francisco, um... 301 00:11:45,414 --> 00:11:46,750 Oh, that's cute. 302 00:11:46,783 --> 00:11:48,985 I just want to revisit the paint color we chose for the cabinets. 303 00:11:49,019 --> 00:11:50,486 Do you still have the old sample? 304 00:11:50,519 --> 00:11:52,255 - Uh, maybe. I'll go look. - Okay. 305 00:11:52,288 --> 00:11:54,424 Did you discuss this with, uh... with the boss? 306 00:11:54,457 --> 00:11:56,593 - I don't have to discuss it with... - Daddy, where's Daddy? 307 00:11:56,626 --> 00:11:57,660 Oh. Yeah, what do you need? 308 00:11:57,693 --> 00:11:59,229 - My suitcase. - Why? 309 00:11:59,263 --> 00:12:01,331 I'm going to Disneyland with Tricia's family. 310 00:12:01,365 --> 00:12:03,100 Sweetie, I already packed your suitcase. 311 00:12:03,133 --> 00:12:05,436 Ugh, there's gonna be too many shoes. 312 00:12:05,469 --> 00:12:07,371 When did we decide that Lily could go to Disneyland? 313 00:12:07,403 --> 00:12:08,938 I thought we were gonna talk about this. 314 00:12:08,971 --> 00:12:10,240 She's missing one day of school. 315 00:12:10,274 --> 00:12:12,176 I missed half of the fifth grade because of a pig bite, 316 00:12:12,208 --> 00:12:13,876 and I'm just as educated as anyone else. 317 00:12:13,909 --> 00:12:16,779 Really? When we met, you thought you grew up in Central America. 318 00:12:16,812 --> 00:12:19,350 Missouri is in the center of America. 319 00:12:19,383 --> 00:12:21,685 Okay. You also thought that the cavemen killed the dinosaurs. 320 00:12:21,717 --> 00:12:23,721 - Were you there? - Okay, t-the point is, 321 00:12:23,754 --> 00:12:26,123 we should be making these decisions together. 322 00:12:26,155 --> 00:12:27,724 Is this the one you wanted? 323 00:12:27,758 --> 00:12:29,627 - Yes. - What's that doing back in here? 324 00:12:29,659 --> 00:12:32,462 I just wanted to revisit the original paint color. 325 00:12:32,495 --> 00:12:34,130 Oh, okay. 326 00:12:34,163 --> 00:12:35,365 - Asserting. - Good. 327 00:12:35,399 --> 00:12:37,201 Asserting. 328 00:12:41,007 --> 00:12:44,178 - Okay. That was good. - Can I talk to you for a second? 329 00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:46,683 Uh, what's up with the whispering and the laughing? 330 00:12:46,714 --> 00:12:48,818 - He just made a joke. - At my expense? 331 00:12:48,820 --> 00:12:50,623 No, it was about his wife's cooking, 332 00:12:50,625 --> 00:12:52,961 which can't be as stale as his material. 333 00:12:53,203 --> 00:12:54,271 What's this about? 334 00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:55,741 You undermined me with Lily, 335 00:12:55,743 --> 00:12:58,280 and now I'm worried that you're doing the same thing with Francisco. 336 00:12:58,282 --> 00:13:00,851 Mitchell, we are on the same team here. 337 00:13:00,853 --> 00:13:02,322 We both want a beautiful kitchen, 338 00:13:02,324 --> 00:13:05,627 - and we both want it done as soon as possible. - Yes. 339 00:13:05,698 --> 00:13:07,367 Stop working! 340 00:13:07,369 --> 00:13:09,271 - Drills down! Drills down! - I want you so bad. 341 00:13:09,569 --> 00:13:12,272 If only I could reach out and touch you. 342 00:13:12,274 --> 00:13:13,776 Enough with the eavesdropping. 343 00:13:13,778 --> 00:13:15,147 - Come on. - Yeah. You know what? 344 00:13:15,149 --> 00:13:16,784 If that little train wreck's getting back together with Bo, 345 00:13:16,786 --> 00:13:18,122 I need to deal with this directly. 346 00:13:18,124 --> 00:13:19,692 No, you have to stay here... Ugh. 347 00:13:21,943 --> 00:13:23,544 Pameron Jessica Tucker, listen to me. 348 00:13:23,578 --> 00:13:26,314 You need to stop those dirty jailbird phone calls right this second with Bo, 349 00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:27,616 - or I am... - Oh, my God! 350 00:13:27,649 --> 00:13:30,118 You've been listening in on my private conversation? 351 00:13:30,150 --> 00:13:31,652 You should be ashamed of yourself. 352 00:13:31,685 --> 00:13:33,387 Talking like a girl from Cricketsville... 353 00:13:33,420 --> 00:13:34,956 you were raised better than that. 354 00:13:34,990 --> 00:13:37,125 You stay the hell out of my business. 355 00:13:37,158 --> 00:13:39,895 And stop looking down your nose at Cricketsville. 356 00:13:39,928 --> 00:13:42,764 They got a Target now with a Banksy on the side of it. 357 00:13:42,797 --> 00:13:46,835 Yeah, right. I'm sure Banksy drove to Cricketsville and painted on the s... 358 00:13:46,867 --> 00:13:48,402 Oh, you mean the ATM. 359 00:13:48,435 --> 00:13:51,372 Well, what the hell else would I be talking about? 360 00:13:53,540 --> 00:13:55,576 Hi, my name is Cameron Tucker, 361 00:13:55,610 --> 00:13:58,480 and I would like to speak to one of your inmates. 362 00:13:58,512 --> 00:14:01,749 His name is Bo Johnson. 363 00:14:01,783 --> 00:14:03,518 Sally Mae Jenkins? 364 00:14:03,550 --> 00:14:06,187 Oh, of course I remember you! 365 00:14:06,221 --> 00:14:07,489 Oh, wait, but... 366 00:14:07,521 --> 00:14:09,357 I'm not surprised you're answering phones at a prison. 367 00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:11,626 You always had the prettiest voice in Central America. 368 00:14:13,546 --> 00:14:16,755 You called Bo, you ginormous mountain of stupid?! 369 00:14:16,757 --> 00:14:17,772 Yeah, that's right, I did. 370 00:14:17,882 --> 00:14:19,316 And I told him you were getting your life together here 371 00:14:19,349 --> 00:14:21,185 with your baby and he needed to back off. 372 00:14:21,218 --> 00:14:23,120 He didn't even know I had his baby. 373 00:14:23,152 --> 00:14:24,354 - What? - Now he knows where I am. 374 00:14:24,387 --> 00:14:26,990 He's gonna come looking for me when he gets out! 375 00:14:27,023 --> 00:14:30,193 You ruined everything, you giant, horse-faced dummy. 376 00:14:30,227 --> 00:14:31,963 I'm not sure why every insult needs a size component. 377 00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:32,997 Look, I'm really sorry. 378 00:14:33,030 --> 00:14:35,299 I had no idea that wasn't Bo on the phone. 379 00:14:35,332 --> 00:14:38,336 Who else would you be so... intimate with? 380 00:14:38,368 --> 00:14:41,104 Anybody who can pay three bucks a minute for nasty talk. 381 00:14:41,137 --> 00:14:44,141 Okay, you're a phone-sex operator? 382 00:14:44,174 --> 00:14:46,644 My real-person modeling gigs haven't been paying the bills. 383 00:14:46,676 --> 00:14:49,180 And I needed a job where I could stay at home with the baby. 384 00:14:49,213 --> 00:14:50,615 I didn't even know that still existed. 385 00:14:50,647 --> 00:14:52,483 Like, I thought it was all apps and the Internet now. 386 00:14:52,516 --> 00:14:55,987 Not everyone leads your coastal-elite lifestyle, Cam. 387 00:14:56,020 --> 00:14:59,656 There's a whole country full of decent, hardworking Americans 388 00:14:59,689 --> 00:15:02,193 who still want to torque their doolies on the phone, 389 00:15:02,225 --> 00:15:04,361 you gargantuan snob! 390 00:15:04,395 --> 00:15:05,663 Just could've said "snob." 391 00:15:12,670 --> 00:15:15,507 Oh, get over yourself. I'm drawing the tree. 392 00:15:17,907 --> 00:15:19,476 - Jay? - I tried to call you. 393 00:15:19,510 --> 00:15:20,478 Where's your phone? 394 00:15:20,511 --> 00:15:21,712 It's in my room. 395 00:15:21,744 --> 00:15:23,346 I'm in a creative space right now. 396 00:15:23,380 --> 00:15:25,016 She's cute. 397 00:15:27,584 --> 00:15:29,519 I'm going through a little something with your mom. 398 00:15:29,553 --> 00:15:30,855 I need your take on it. 399 00:15:30,887 --> 00:15:32,857 Hm. I'm excited to see what boundaries we cross here. 400 00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:34,525 She had a little fender bender. 401 00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:35,726 I've got her dead to rights... 402 00:15:35,758 --> 00:15:37,360 - And she won't admit it. - Yes. 403 00:15:37,393 --> 00:15:38,728 She never admits when she's wrong. 404 00:15:38,762 --> 00:15:41,031 Thank you. I was beginning to think I was the crazy one. 405 00:15:41,064 --> 00:15:42,532 Yeah, she'll do that to you. 406 00:15:42,565 --> 00:15:44,267 I got IBS when she refused to admit 407 00:15:44,300 --> 00:15:46,270 that she threw out my collection of Playbills. 408 00:15:46,303 --> 00:15:49,307 I'm gonna pretend you said "the flu" and Playboys and move on. 409 00:15:50,741 --> 00:15:52,543 Eh... 410 00:15:52,575 --> 00:15:54,744 I guess I... miss you being around 411 00:15:54,777 --> 00:15:57,281 to share that eye roll when she gets kooky. 412 00:15:57,314 --> 00:15:59,183 I always thought you were rolling your eyes at me. 413 00:15:59,215 --> 00:16:01,051 Well, that, too. 414 00:16:01,084 --> 00:16:02,853 At least she's worth it, right? 415 00:16:02,886 --> 00:16:05,389 Definitely. 416 00:16:05,421 --> 00:16:07,557 So, did she ever cop to the Playbills? 417 00:16:07,590 --> 00:16:08,925 You know what? 418 00:16:08,959 --> 00:16:11,595 Yeah, eventually, but only because she did something worse. 419 00:16:11,628 --> 00:16:13,363 - Wow. - It's actually a good thing. 420 00:16:13,396 --> 00:16:15,031 As long as she's denying the accident, 421 00:16:15,064 --> 00:16:17,133 you know that's the worst thing she's done. 422 00:16:17,166 --> 00:16:19,269 Thanks, kiddo. 423 00:16:19,303 --> 00:16:21,439 Hey, while you're here, I wouldn't mind picking your brain 424 00:16:21,472 --> 00:16:22,872 about a little problem I'm having... 425 00:16:22,906 --> 00:16:24,375 well, one of my characters. 426 00:16:24,407 --> 00:16:25,875 He finds himself at a crossroads... 427 00:16:25,909 --> 00:16:27,444 Let's keep this special. 428 00:16:30,914 --> 00:16:32,617 Gloria, I've been thinking. 429 00:16:32,650 --> 00:16:35,119 That whole accident thing? I'm dropping it. 430 00:16:35,151 --> 00:16:36,912 You say it didn't happen, it didn't happen. 431 00:16:37,022 --> 00:16:37,990 It happened. 432 00:16:38,023 --> 00:16:38,990 What, are you admitting it? 433 00:16:39,024 --> 00:16:41,994 Yes. The accident... it was my fault. 434 00:16:42,027 --> 00:16:43,996 Please forgive me, mi amor. 435 00:16:44,029 --> 00:16:46,197 Uh-oh. 436 00:16:46,231 --> 00:16:47,365 Where's Stella? 437 00:16:47,399 --> 00:16:49,201 - And, Francisco... - Yeah, Boss? 438 00:16:49,234 --> 00:16:50,769 I guess we should take another look 439 00:16:50,802 --> 00:16:52,705 at this cabinet color Mitchell revived from the dead. 440 00:16:52,737 --> 00:16:55,607 To be fair, let's look at it in the kitchen light. 441 00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:57,675 So, imagine I'm entertaining. 442 00:16:57,708 --> 00:17:00,378 I'm cooking. I'm throwing out delightful quips to my guests. 443 00:17:00,412 --> 00:17:01,447 Be honest... does it wash me out? 444 00:17:01,479 --> 00:17:02,514 It washes me out. 445 00:17:02,547 --> 00:17:03,715 These are the kind of conversations 446 00:17:03,748 --> 00:17:05,351 I snuck under the fence for? 447 00:17:05,383 --> 00:17:06,451 - Hm? - Is that funny? 448 00:17:06,485 --> 00:17:07,820 - Oh. - It's in my act. 449 00:17:07,852 --> 00:17:09,220 - It's... - I also do this bit, though, 450 00:17:09,254 --> 00:17:11,357 where I go to a lumberyard and I meet this hot girl and... 451 00:17:11,389 --> 00:17:12,690 Okay. I'm gonna stop you right there. 452 00:17:12,724 --> 00:17:15,127 If the punch line has anything to do with wood, 453 00:17:15,159 --> 00:17:16,394 you're better than that. 454 00:17:16,428 --> 00:17:18,630 Yes, I chose to be entombed in a wall 455 00:17:18,664 --> 00:17:21,901 rather than admit to Cam that I was eavesdropping. 456 00:17:21,934 --> 00:17:23,569 And, yes, I realize couple's counseling 457 00:17:23,601 --> 00:17:24,669 should be back on the table. 458 00:17:24,703 --> 00:17:26,405 This color Mitchell wants... 459 00:17:26,437 --> 00:17:27,872 You don't seem to like it. 460 00:17:27,906 --> 00:17:31,976 I don't love it. But he does, and let's just go with it, 461 00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:33,812 'cause it... I want to make him happy. 462 00:17:33,844 --> 00:17:35,813 Wow. My wife wouldn't even ask me. 463 00:17:35,847 --> 00:17:37,483 You're very nice. He's lucky to have you. 464 00:17:37,515 --> 00:17:39,051 I'm the lucky one, trust me. 465 00:17:39,083 --> 00:17:41,719 You know, we start every morning off in this kitchen, and I... 466 00:17:41,753 --> 00:17:44,423 I want us both to walk in here and see something we each love. 467 00:17:44,456 --> 00:17:48,327 I do! I-I do see something I love! 468 00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:49,562 It's you. 469 00:17:49,594 --> 00:17:50,728 - Mitchell! - Oh. 470 00:17:50,762 --> 00:17:52,431 What in the he... 471 00:17:52,464 --> 00:17:53,765 You were eavesdropping. 472 00:17:53,799 --> 00:17:56,035 I'm sorry. I-I stand by what I said. 473 00:17:56,068 --> 00:17:57,703 Eavesdropping is wrong. 474 00:17:57,735 --> 00:18:00,572 I-I should have just asked, uh, Francisco myself. 475 00:18:00,605 --> 00:18:03,675 W-Why is it you call him "Boss" and me "Mitch"? 476 00:18:03,708 --> 00:18:05,177 Oh, uh, uh... 477 00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:07,178 It's okay. You can tell me. I-I can take it. 478 00:18:07,212 --> 00:18:09,248 Well, uh, I can't remember his name. 479 00:18:09,281 --> 00:18:11,015 - What? - Really? 480 00:18:11,049 --> 00:18:12,751 You know, I keep wanting to say "Krang," 481 00:18:12,783 --> 00:18:14,253 but I know that's not right. 482 00:18:14,285 --> 00:18:15,353 Unless it is? 483 00:18:15,387 --> 00:18:16,789 - It's Cam. - It's Cam. 484 00:18:16,822 --> 00:18:19,891 Okay. We have spent every day together, Francisco. 485 00:18:19,925 --> 00:18:21,226 I'm a little offended. 486 00:18:21,258 --> 00:18:23,062 Oh. Well, if it makes you feel any better, 487 00:18:23,094 --> 00:18:25,130 my name's actually Fernando. 488 00:18:25,162 --> 00:18:26,932 - Oh. - It does help. 489 00:18:29,497 --> 00:18:30,599 Ah! There she is. 490 00:18:30,601 --> 00:18:31,570 Haley! 491 00:18:31,602 --> 00:18:33,104 Haley! 492 00:18:33,138 --> 00:18:35,073 - Haley! - Oh, my God! 493 00:18:35,107 --> 00:18:36,542 What is going on?! 494 00:18:36,574 --> 00:18:38,876 Damn it! We need those keys! 495 00:18:38,909 --> 00:18:40,379 Got to get to the concert before the roadies 496 00:18:40,411 --> 00:18:42,614 pick all the hot chicks that get to party backstage. 497 00:18:42,648 --> 00:18:44,049 I'm confused. 498 00:18:44,082 --> 00:18:47,218 - Even back in the day, they weren't exactly... - Haley! 499 00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:49,621 You know what? I'll go get them. 500 00:18:49,655 --> 00:18:50,923 No. No. You can't. 501 00:18:50,956 --> 00:18:53,091 Um, not today. 502 00:18:53,124 --> 00:18:54,459 You believe in the curse, don't you? 503 00:18:54,493 --> 00:18:55,961 I don't understand it. 504 00:18:55,994 --> 00:18:57,896 Bad things have been happening to you all day. 505 00:18:57,928 --> 00:18:59,098 Maybe... 506 00:18:59,130 --> 00:19:00,131 Maybe it's the underwear. 507 00:19:00,165 --> 00:19:02,001 I just... I can't take a chance. 508 00:19:02,033 --> 00:19:03,835 - You stay here. - No, no, no, no, no. 509 00:19:03,869 --> 00:19:06,071 You getting hurt is the worst possible thing 510 00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:07,905 that could happen to me. 511 00:19:07,938 --> 00:19:09,574 Tell the kids I love them. 512 00:19:09,608 --> 00:19:10,676 Oh, honey. 513 00:19:10,708 --> 00:19:12,244 Are you, uh... Are you not wearing a bra? 514 00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:13,745 - Eh. - Oh. 515 00:19:13,778 --> 00:19:15,046 All right, be safe. 516 00:19:19,383 --> 00:19:21,953 Oh, my God. 517 00:19:21,986 --> 00:19:23,121 That's Dunphy. 518 00:19:23,155 --> 00:19:24,857 50 bucks to the first guy who hits him, huh? 519 00:19:24,889 --> 00:19:26,057 Go. 520 00:19:27,793 --> 00:19:28,960 Haley! 521 00:19:30,195 --> 00:19:32,297 Oh, Dad? 522 00:19:32,330 --> 00:19:34,133 Okay, listen. 523 00:19:34,166 --> 00:19:36,534 I lost my car keys. I need the spare set. 524 00:19:36,568 --> 00:19:38,470 I know that makes me a hypocrite. 525 00:19:38,503 --> 00:19:40,673 But you have every right to be angry with me. 526 00:19:40,706 --> 00:19:42,307 How could I be angry when there's so much 527 00:19:42,340 --> 00:19:44,275 to be grateful for? 528 00:19:44,309 --> 00:19:45,944 Is that a... a book? 529 00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:48,613 I never would have picked it up if you had bought me a new phone. 530 00:19:48,647 --> 00:19:52,418 You've gotten a little gray. I like it. 531 00:19:54,852 --> 00:19:56,522 Honey... the keys? 532 00:19:56,554 --> 00:19:59,123 Sorry. I was distracted by those bumblebees. 533 00:19:59,157 --> 00:20:02,160 Shh, listen... they're talking to each other. 534 00:20:06,931 --> 00:20:07,999 Hm. 535 00:20:09,900 --> 00:20:10,936 Huh. 536 00:20:13,037 --> 00:20:14,472 - Ow! - Yeah! 537 00:20:15,707 --> 00:20:17,341 Is that freakin' Gil? 538 00:20:17,374 --> 00:20:20,044 Yes! Yes, yes, yes! 539 00:20:20,078 --> 00:20:22,548 Well, that could happen any day. 540 00:20:25,550 --> 00:20:27,485 He's still moving! Machine-gun him! 541 00:20:27,518 --> 00:20:28,720 Just hit as fast as you can! 542 00:20:28,754 --> 00:20:31,924 Dear God! He's got me dialed in! 543 00:20:33,879 --> 00:20:37,119 Oh, morning, guys. You missed a beautiful sunrise. 544 00:20:37,121 --> 00:20:39,691 You know, living without a phone these past few days 545 00:20:39,725 --> 00:20:41,360 has been such a gift. 546 00:20:41,392 --> 00:20:44,429 Colors are brighter. Tastes are tastier. 547 00:20:44,463 --> 00:20:46,198 Have you ever eaten a peach? 548 00:20:46,230 --> 00:20:48,366 I mean, really eaten a peach? 549 00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:50,436 Well, most of this is in my short story. 550 00:20:50,468 --> 00:20:51,938 The best part, though, has been 551 00:20:51,970 --> 00:20:53,405 really getting to know you two. 552 00:20:53,438 --> 00:20:55,573 Dad, you are so funny. 553 00:20:55,607 --> 00:20:57,476 And you have such kind eyes. 554 00:20:57,508 --> 00:20:58,476 And, Mom... 555 00:20:58,509 --> 00:21:00,645 president of a closet company? 556 00:21:00,678 --> 00:21:03,248 Way to go! 557 00:21:03,282 --> 00:21:05,784 I guess that's why it makes it so hard to say goodbye. 558 00:21:07,453 --> 00:21:09,488 Came in this morning. Luke set it up for me. 559 00:21:09,521 --> 00:21:11,757 He really shot up, huh? 560 00:21:11,790 --> 00:21:14,293 Anyway, in the weeks to come, 561 00:21:14,325 --> 00:21:16,261 try and remember that, uh... 562 00:21:16,294 --> 00:21:19,832 Wh... That skank... No way!