1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,962 ? It seems today that all you see ? 2 00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:08,174 ? Is violence in movies and sex on TV ? 3 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,511 ? But where are those good old-fashioned values ? 4 00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,472 ? On which we used to rely? ? 5 00:00:14,473 --> 00:00:18,017 ? Lucky there's a family guy ? 6 00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:21,604 ? Lucky there's a man who positively can do ? 7 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,189 ? All the things that make us ? 8 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,690 ? Laugh and cry ? 9 00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:30,155 ? He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ? 10 00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:35,076 - Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT - - www.addic7ed.com - 11 00:00:35,077 --> 00:00:37,745 We now return to LEGO Spotlight. 12 00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:45,151 I'm not sure we should be letting Stewie watch this. 13 00:00:45,152 --> 00:00:46,546 It's LEGO. It's fine. 14 00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:49,090 Yeah, you're right. 15 00:00:49,091 --> 00:00:50,424 Well, that's my train. 16 00:00:50,425 --> 00:00:53,386 Time to disappear from this life completely. 17 00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:56,222 No, no, Peter. It's just Chris practicing his new recorder. 18 00:00:56,223 --> 00:00:58,769 What? I said no hobbies. 19 00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:01,727 Brian, that LEGO movie kind of scared me. 20 00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:04,480 Ah, don't worry about it, Stewie. It's all make-believe. 21 00:01:04,481 --> 00:01:07,401 Ah! LEGO! LEGO! 22 00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:13,089 Chris, stop! That sounds terrible. 23 00:01:13,090 --> 00:01:15,074 Yeah, you can't just play one note over and over. 24 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:16,742 You're not Danny McBride. 25 00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,411 Who taught you to play like that? 26 00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:20,079 Well, our music teacher quit 27 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,540 and was replaced by a back-East bird. 28 00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:31,090 See you tomorrow, Mr. Mason. 29 00:01:32,968 --> 00:01:35,511 Well, I'm gonna have to talk to Principal Shepherd about this. 30 00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:38,014 Great. Every kid loves seeing their mom 31 00:01:38,015 --> 00:01:39,348 inside their high school. 32 00:01:39,349 --> 00:01:41,434 I'm sorry, but music is an important part 33 00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:42,893 of your education. 34 00:01:42,894 --> 00:01:44,061 Your mother's right, Chris. 35 00:01:44,062 --> 00:01:45,187 You don't want to mess this up, 36 00:01:45,188 --> 00:01:47,231 like Skee-Io messed up his wishes. 37 00:01:47,232 --> 00:01:50,109 Uh, I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, 38 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,278 I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat. 39 00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:57,116 - Skee-Io?! - What? 40 00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,536 You need money! 41 00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:06,917 You wanted to see me, Mrs. Griffin? 42 00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:09,920 Um, yes, to discuss the music program. 43 00:02:09,921 --> 00:02:11,922 Right! Right, of course. 44 00:02:11,923 --> 00:02:14,634 Sorry. I was just testing these... candles 45 00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:17,720 for a... lie I can't... think of right now. 46 00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:21,641 Now, what's this forgettable misunderstanding all about? 47 00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:24,632 Uh, my son is being taught by a bird. 48 00:02:24,633 --> 00:02:26,979 - Ah. Ms. Wilkins. - No, Mr. Mason. 49 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:29,565 Right. Lot of open windows in this school. 50 00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:31,817 You need a real music teacher. 51 00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:35,321 I'm a trained piano player, and I've taught lessons for years. 52 00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:37,070 I'd love to come work for you. 53 00:02:37,071 --> 00:02:39,951 You would? Well, that changes everything. 54 00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:44,330 I'm not gonna have sex with you. 55 00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:47,209 I know. I just farted. 56 00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:54,632 So, everyone, I have an announcement to make. 57 00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:57,843 I'm gonna be the new music teacher at Adam West High. 58 00:02:57,844 --> 00:02:59,595 - What? - Please say you're joking. 59 00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:01,806 I'm not joking. I start Monday. 60 00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:04,100 My wife, a music teacher? 61 00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:06,687 Hold on. That's a marriage time-out. 62 00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:14,652 I... I think Dad did this wrong. 63 00:03:14,653 --> 00:03:17,029 Yeah, aren't-aren't we supposed to be the frozen ones? 64 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:19,365 - Dad's a loser. - Yeah, he sucks. 65 00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:21,784 - Stop it. - Why? He can't hear us. 66 00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:23,160 But I could hear them. 67 00:03:23,161 --> 00:03:24,662 And it hurt. 68 00:03:24,663 --> 00:03:25,871 Turns out, if you're gonna learn 69 00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:28,040 how to stop time in wizard school, 70 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:30,960 don't leave class early to be the first in line for lunch. 71 00:03:30,961 --> 00:03:32,712 It was pizza day. 72 00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:34,714 And you'd think it's got to be pretty good pizza, 73 00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:37,258 being made by a magic wand and whatnot. 74 00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:39,051 But it was just okay. 75 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,679 I don't think it was the usual guy making it. 76 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:45,475 This has been a Peter Griffin Marriage Time-Out. 77 00:03:53,694 --> 00:03:55,736 Good morning, class. 78 00:03:57,070 --> 00:04:00,282 So... you know. 79 00:04:01,825 --> 00:04:04,702 I'm your new music teacher, Mrs. Griffin, 80 00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:07,913 and I started from the bottom. Now I'm here. 81 00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:10,082 So... rap. 82 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,461 Oh, my God, you're so lame. 83 00:04:13,462 --> 00:04:15,212 I know you are, but what am I? 84 00:04:15,213 --> 00:04:16,547 Lame. 85 00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:18,674 Okay, we'll call that one a tie. 86 00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:21,510 Now, class, what is music to you? 87 00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:22,762 Nothing. 88 00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:24,263 Okay, Deaf Larry, we know 89 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,474 music is nothing to you and never will be. 90 00:04:26,475 --> 00:04:28,184 Who else? What is music to you? 91 00:04:28,185 --> 00:04:29,351 Stupid. 92 00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:31,562 Connie, you're just afraid, so you lash out. 93 00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:34,106 I get you, because I was you. 94 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:36,734 Headstrong, full of anger, and a body that looked 95 00:04:36,735 --> 00:04:38,944 like it stepped right out of Redbook magazine. 96 00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:40,780 - Is that good? - Yes, that's good. 97 00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:42,156 You don't know. Shut up. 98 00:04:42,157 --> 00:04:43,868 You were never me. 99 00:04:43,869 --> 00:04:46,495 Oh, no? Look down at your desk. 100 00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:49,622 "L.G."? 101 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:51,373 Lois... Griffin. 102 00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:54,126 But-but weren't you Lois Pewterschmidt back then? 103 00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:55,711 Meg, go to the principal's office. 104 00:04:55,712 --> 00:04:57,379 My desk also has "L.G." on it. 105 00:04:57,380 --> 00:04:58,879 - Mine, too. - They all do! 106 00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:02,301 Okay, okay, I didn't know where the troublemaker was gonna sit. 107 00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:05,971 Mr. Mason may have been a bird, but at least he wasn't a liar. 108 00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:09,518 Well, you better get used to me, 'cause Mr. Mason's gone. 109 00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:13,771 Sweetie, it's the middle of the day. What happened? 110 00:05:13,772 --> 00:05:16,148 Oh, no. 111 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:19,777 Well, I hope this doesn't affect our plan to have eggs. 112 00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:23,907 You wanted this to happen! 113 00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:31,121 So, Lois, how was your first big day teaching? 114 00:05:31,122 --> 00:05:32,581 You pull a Mary Kay Letourneau? 115 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,334 No, Peter. 116 00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:36,794 I didn't leave my family 117 00:05:36,795 --> 00:05:40,673 to have sex with a 12-year-old boy named Vili Fualaau, 118 00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:44,343 get arrested for rape, give birth to his child in prison, 119 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,846 get out, get arrested again for humping him in a car 120 00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:49,682 when he was 13, have his second kid in jail, 121 00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,308 get out, get married to him, 122 00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:54,520 change my name to Mary Kay Letourneau-Fualaau, 123 00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:56,856 live my life as a disgraced sex offender, 124 00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,691 and then get dumped by him. 125 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:01,443 No, I didn't do that. 126 00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:04,029 But I did have a little trouble in Meg's class 127 00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:06,240 because of that brat Connie D'Amico. 128 00:06:06,241 --> 00:06:09,076 She's a classic, entitled, mean-girl slut. 129 00:06:09,077 --> 00:06:11,662 Connie D'Amico? She stopped by to see you yesterday. 130 00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:13,372 She did?! What'd she say? 131 00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:16,208 - She said you're gullible. - And? 132 00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,417 Hmm, Connie D'Amico. 133 00:06:18,418 --> 00:06:19,837 The name sounds familiar. 134 00:06:19,838 --> 00:06:21,547 I better go check Meg's yearbook... 135 00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:25,384 Pages four, six, 11, 27, 41, 42 and 60... 136 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,887 To see if it's the babe I'm thinking of. 137 00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:29,388 Lois, I'll take my dessert upstairs 138 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,849 in the masturbation bathroom. 139 00:06:31,850 --> 00:06:33,559 Maybe I'm not cut out 140 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,227 to teach high school kids. 141 00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:37,354 I thought I could handle their nonsense, 142 00:06:37,355 --> 00:06:39,523 but I just kind of froze today with Connie. 143 00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:41,942 - Yeah, hang it up. - You gave it a day. 144 00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:43,110 That's nonsense, Lois. 145 00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:45,195 You just have to be more of an authority figure. 146 00:06:45,196 --> 00:06:46,572 If Connie gets out of line again, 147 00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:48,407 don't be afraid to show her who's boss. 148 00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,326 Like I did with those squirrels. 149 00:06:50,327 --> 00:06:52,328 Hey, neighborinos. 150 00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:54,079 Um, so, not a huge deal, 151 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:56,248 but if you guys could keep your chittering down, 152 00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,584 I'm trying to get some writing done in the house. 153 00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:00,446 Oh, yeah, yeah, no-no problem, bro. 154 00:07:00,447 --> 00:07:02,546 Also, maybe you could go (BLEEP) your own face, huh? 155 00:07:02,547 --> 00:07:03,756 Could that be good? 156 00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:04,798 Yeah! 157 00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,093 Oh. Okay. 158 00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:10,429 All right, thanks, guys. 159 00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:12,181 Stewie? What are you doing here? 160 00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:13,891 I followed you into your cutaway 161 00:07:13,892 --> 00:07:16,268 because I didn't believe you showed anyone who's boss. 162 00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:17,770 And I was right. 163 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:20,460 Did you get a sleeve tattoo of Freddie Mercury? 164 00:07:20,461 --> 00:07:22,192 Yeah, it's a cutaway. 165 00:07:26,738 --> 00:07:29,782 I know some of you kids think this class has nothing to do 166 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:32,868 with your day-to-day lives, but you couldn't be more wrong. 167 00:07:32,869 --> 00:07:35,788 Music tells the story of our lives. 168 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,790 For example, this morning, 169 00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:40,709 I woke up and saw it was a sunny day. 170 00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:47,716 Then I had some tea. 171 00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:52,429 Which was from China. 172 00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:56,308 On my way out the door, the kitty cat ran across my piano. 173 00:07:58,269 --> 00:07:59,728 Get off of there, kitty cat! 174 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,148 Then I drove to work. 175 00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:08,320 But then, I hit some traffic... 176 00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:13,409 that was caused by a parade. 177 00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:17,663 For gay rights. 178 00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:22,835 And finally, I got to school early 179 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:25,838 and diarrhea'd in the girls' locker room. 180 00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:30,050 The end. 181 00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:31,135 You suck! 182 00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:32,302 Aah! 183 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:37,516 That's it, Connie! 184 00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,310 To the principal's office. Now! 185 00:08:43,565 --> 00:08:47,358 Okay. For the rest of the class, I will wait for the bell. 186 00:08:48,653 --> 00:08:50,904 And then I will suddenly talk much louder and faster 187 00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:52,489 as you're heading out the door. 188 00:08:52,490 --> 00:08:55,034 Okay, and remember, there's a quiz a week from Wednesday! 189 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,827 Oh, no. 190 00:08:56,828 --> 00:08:58,704 Good. That means you heard me. 191 00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:02,000 This is how Hollywood thinks school teachers talk. 192 00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:07,671 Connie, I've asked Mrs. Griffin to be here 193 00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:09,840 since it was her class you disrupted. 194 00:09:09,841 --> 00:09:13,218 And I'm sorry to say, this is your third strike this year. 195 00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:15,012 According to school policy, 196 00:09:15,013 --> 00:09:17,264 three strikes means you're expelled. 197 00:09:17,265 --> 00:09:19,265 - What?! - Principal Shepherd, 198 00:09:19,266 --> 00:09:21,060 I'm not sure that's necessary. 199 00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,145 I'm sorry. I've made my decision. 200 00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:25,397 Now, if you ladies don't mind stepping out, 201 00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,441 I have to reprimand Danny McBride next. 202 00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:29,735 Mr. McBride, do you know why you're here? 203 00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:33,697 Yeah, maybe because I'm awesome, and you're a gay homosexual, 204 00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:35,407 and also the word "Jet Ski" a lot? 205 00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:39,537 Yeah, you know why you're here. 206 00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:48,212 Ugh. I feel kind of bad about getting Connie expelled. 207 00:09:48,213 --> 00:09:49,922 But maybe this'll make her realize 208 00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:52,007 she needs to be more respectful to others. 209 00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:54,009 Eh, probably not. She's really hot. 210 00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:56,929 Hey, Lois, I just got an invite 211 00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,680 for a Facebook group you started called 212 00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:01,350 "Keep Harriet Tubman Off the 20-Dollar Bill." 213 00:10:01,351 --> 00:10:03,811 What? I haven't even been on Facebook today. 214 00:10:03,812 --> 00:10:06,522 Wow. Your profile pic is now just the word "veterans" 215 00:10:06,523 --> 00:10:08,899 with a circle and a line through it. 216 00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:11,485 I mean, that's the way I feel about ghosts, but veterans? 217 00:10:11,486 --> 00:10:13,612 Mom, this is Connie getting back at you. 218 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,280 It's called "cyberbullying." 219 00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:18,117 Cyberbullying? Me? 220 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:21,995 By the way, Vili Fualaau is now a DJ in Seattle. 221 00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:24,081 Boy, Connie must really mean business. 222 00:10:24,082 --> 00:10:26,750 Like an Armenian kid in a candy store. 223 00:10:26,751 --> 00:10:29,086 Hey, little boy, can I help you? 224 00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:30,712 Yes, I wish to buy business 225 00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:33,340 and turn into car wash. 226 00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:42,225 We had no idea you'd switched teams, Lois. 227 00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:48,439 Ugh. Damn it, Connie. 228 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:50,482 No, it's just a nasty prank. 229 00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:52,234 What's so nasty about it? 230 00:10:52,235 --> 00:10:53,986 I mean, nothing. 231 00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:55,571 I-I'm fine with it. 232 00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:57,614 Okay, well, if you're so fine with it, 233 00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:59,116 what are you doing Friday night? 234 00:10:59,117 --> 00:11:01,451 Oh, um... 235 00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:04,663 Mmm. So, I got my blacksmith certification. 236 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:07,416 - I can make axes now. - Oh. 237 00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:09,376 You in the market for an ax? 238 00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:11,503 I'll keep this on the D.I. Hughley, 239 00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:14,883 but your next date should be with Christ. 240 00:11:17,886 --> 00:11:20,929 Lois, are you using the Elmo toothbrush, 241 00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:23,432 - which is mine? - Oh, sorry, Peter. 242 00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:26,185 I've just been so distracted with this whole Connie thing. 243 00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,944 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 244 00:11:27,945 --> 00:11:30,355 So, Connie made you mistake a monster's face 245 00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:31,732 for the words "Oral-B." 246 00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:33,192 Come on, Peter, I'm serious. 247 00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:34,693 This is a real problem. 248 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,111 Well, if she's really ruining your life, 249 00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:37,696 go down to the station and talk to Joe. 250 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,781 Yeah, I thought of that, but I hate competing 251 00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:43,076 with the sound of ringing phones and typewriter keys. 252 00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:44,203 And she hacked 253 00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,371 - all my Internet accounts. - What? 254 00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:49,333 Connie! I think she hacked my Twitter! 255 00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:51,335 Well, without any hard evidence, Lois, 256 00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:53,545 I'm afraid there's nothing we can do! 257 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:56,798 Fine! I knew this would be a waste of time! 258 00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:59,551 Okay, fellas, she's gone! 259 00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:03,555 I'd like to report somebody using the wrong toothbrush. 260 00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,224 Have a seat, sir. Tell me everything. 261 00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:07,393 Okay. You know Elmo, right? 262 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:14,316 Hmm, I'm not seeing any Viva brand paper towels. 263 00:12:14,317 --> 00:12:16,902 - That's the only brand I use. - Uh, sounds good. 264 00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:19,780 I'm gonna go see what new stuff they're turning into milk. 265 00:12:19,781 --> 00:12:22,074 Oh, wood milk! 266 00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:25,619 Hey, that woman has all the Viva brand paper towels. 267 00:12:25,620 --> 00:12:27,829 E-Excuse me, miss, 268 00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:31,125 could I have one of those Viva brand paper towel rolls? 269 00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:35,712 Oh, so sorry. 270 00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:38,758 I need them all for the big mess you've made. 271 00:12:38,759 --> 00:12:40,842 Hey, Lois, do we need any jeans milk at home? 272 00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:43,345 Oh, hey, Connie. Nice shopping outfit. 273 00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:44,596 Come on, Connie. 274 00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,223 It's the only brand I use. 275 00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:49,518 I need it to pat down bacon and let Meg suck the wad. 276 00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:50,936 Too bad, bitch. 277 00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:05,492 There we go. 278 00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:07,786 I know it's been you cyberbullying me. 279 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,288 I didn't mean to get you expelled, 280 00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:10,956 but now I'm glad I did. 281 00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:13,417 You're a very disrespectful young lady. 282 00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,085 At least I'll have a paper towel 283 00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:17,337 with the power to take on any spill. 284 00:13:17,338 --> 00:13:18,588 Okay, that's it. 285 00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:20,215 You'll pay for this, Connie! 286 00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:23,635 You better watch your step. 287 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,768 Ah, darn it. I couldn't open my camera in time. 288 00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:33,979 Oh, you can just text me yours. 289 00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:36,774 I'm not texting you. I don't know you. 290 00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:41,945 Peter, I'm exhausted. 291 00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:43,739 I can't even think of making dinner. 292 00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:45,324 Well, I didn't hear what you just said, 293 00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:46,992 but what's the dinner situation? 294 00:13:48,911 --> 00:13:51,747 Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker, transitioning into my sad voice 295 00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:53,415 for the death of a white girl. 296 00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:56,168 Local white girl Connie D'Amico died at the scene 297 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,337 of an automobile accident earlier tonight, 298 00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:01,465 the brake lines of Connie's Celica apparently cut. 299 00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:03,800 Oh, my God. How horrible! 300 00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:05,802 Can you imagine being the shovel 301 00:14:05,803 --> 00:14:08,972 that gets to scrape that ass off the road? 302 00:14:08,973 --> 00:14:11,433 Eh, maybe in my next life. 303 00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:16,646 Lois Griffin, I'm sorry, but you're under arrest. 304 00:14:16,647 --> 00:14:19,316 I'm gonna have to take you down to the station. 305 00:14:19,317 --> 00:14:20,984 On what charge? 306 00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:22,778 We've got you on grocery store video 307 00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:24,321 threatening Connie D'Amico. 308 00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:26,198 You're under arrest for her murder. 309 00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:27,574 What?! 310 00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:31,119 Guys, my mom was arrested for Connie's murder. 311 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,038 No quiz! 312 00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:45,884 Joe, this is ridiculous. 313 00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,677 There's no way Lois killed Connie. 314 00:14:47,678 --> 00:14:49,346 There's just too much evidence against her. 315 00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:50,931 I got to take her in. 316 00:14:50,932 --> 00:14:53,364 So, what, I'm supposed to be a guy without a wife now? 317 00:14:53,365 --> 00:14:56,211 What am I supposed to do, whatever I want whenever I want? 318 00:14:56,212 --> 00:14:58,230 I'm gonna get crow's-feet from smiling too much. 319 00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,565 Sorry, Peter. It's gonna be quite an adjustment. 320 00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:03,026 Seriously, who's gonna greet me in a shapeless sweatshirt 321 00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,028 - when I come home? - Meg, maybe. 322 00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:07,572 Who's gonna slap a tarantula of shampoo hair 323 00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:08,907 on the wall of the shower? 324 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,367 It's the little things you miss. 325 00:15:10,368 --> 00:15:12,661 Who's gonna go, "Ooh! Ooh! Careful!" while I'm parking? 326 00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:15,163 Sometimes this is the hardest part of my job. 327 00:15:15,164 --> 00:15:18,041 Who's gonna fill up my DVR with lady judge programs? 328 00:15:18,042 --> 00:15:19,501 I-I don't make the rules. 329 00:15:19,502 --> 00:15:22,003 Oh, and I suppose now I'll have to start every road trip 330 00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:24,506 - with a full tank of gas? - I took an oath, Peter. 331 00:15:24,507 --> 00:15:26,842 What am I supposed to do? Masturbate comfortably in bed? 332 00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:28,218 The law's the law. 333 00:15:28,219 --> 00:15:30,595 And I guess I'm gonna have to be on time to every party 334 00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:33,014 - and stay real late? - Yeah, why do they do that? 335 00:15:33,015 --> 00:15:35,225 And so long, Handmaid's Tale, I guess. 336 00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:37,018 Two or three more jokes, Peter. 337 00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:38,353 So long, This Is Us. 338 00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:39,521 Last one, maybe. 339 00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:41,398 So long, seeing my dining room. 340 00:15:41,399 --> 00:15:42,774 You got a stronger one to end on? 341 00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:45,235 So long, bitchy 2:00 a.m. blanket pulls. 342 00:15:45,236 --> 00:15:46,611 Ah, there we go. 343 00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:49,240 (BLEEP), Peter. 344 00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,409 What am I supposed to do now, Brian? 345 00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:54,369 Whatever I want whenever I want? 346 00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:56,704 Yeah, I was right here when you were doing that. 347 00:15:56,705 --> 00:15:58,623 Oh. I-I didn't hear your laugh. 348 00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:00,710 I'm more of a smile guy. 349 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,631 Peter, we have got to prove Lois is innocent. 350 00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:08,550 That's right. And the best way to crack 351 00:16:08,551 --> 00:16:10,469 any high-profile crime case 352 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:13,555 is to do a podcast before you have all the facts. 353 00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:15,432 - Okay. - And the key to any podcast 354 00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:18,268 is poor sound quality and tons of commercials. 355 00:16:18,269 --> 00:16:19,895 All right, we've got Lois calling in from prison. 356 00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:21,646 She's only got three minutes. 357 00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:23,648 Thanks for looking at my case, guys. 358 00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:25,567 You bet, Lois. My first question is... 359 00:16:25,568 --> 00:16:27,319 do you get a good night's sleep? 360 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,405 No, 'cause I'm in prison, and my cellmate is bipolar. 361 00:16:30,406 --> 00:16:32,491 Well, if you get a Casper mattress now, 362 00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,159 you have a hundred days to decide 363 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,619 if it's the right mattress for you. 364 00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:37,329 Peter, I don't have time for this. 365 00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:39,331 I don't have time for underwear that bunches up. 366 00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:42,000 That's why I wear MeUndies. Perfect underwear 367 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,752 for hanging yourself in your jail cell. 368 00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:46,505 Can we talk about the case? I have 30 seconds 369 00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:49,007 before they haul me off to the freaking cafeteria. 370 00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,926 Sounds like you could use Blue Apron. 371 00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:53,512 Have you ever wanted to receive a vegetable in the mail? 372 00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,096 Then you need Blue Apron. 373 00:16:55,097 --> 00:16:56,973 I'm, like, obsessed with the stir-fry. 374 00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:59,142 Brian here likes the Moroccan beef. 375 00:16:59,143 --> 00:17:02,062 I-I have no opinion on the Moroccan beef, Peter. 376 00:17:02,063 --> 00:17:04,147 Brian, this is not art. This is commerce. 377 00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:06,695 Peter, before I go, I need a new lawyer. 378 00:17:06,696 --> 00:17:08,527 This one made a sexual pass at me. 379 00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:11,029 Oh, boy. Everyone knows hiring is a nightmare. 380 00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:13,522 At least it was before ZipRecruiter. 381 00:17:13,523 --> 00:17:16,201 Ziprecruiter: We vastly overestimate 382 00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:19,705 how many podcast listeners are in a position to hire someone. 383 00:17:23,084 --> 00:17:24,668 Okay, Brian, let's go through Lois's drawers 384 00:17:24,669 --> 00:17:27,045 and look for clues. If you find any, let me know. 385 00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:29,172 And if you find the yo-yo she took from me, 386 00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:30,882 definitely let me know. 387 00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:32,050 Stupid Lois. 388 00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:33,986 I'm not gonna use it in the house. 389 00:17:33,987 --> 00:17:35,512 The Wendy's employee gave it to me 390 00:17:35,513 --> 00:17:37,097 if I promised to calm down. 391 00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:38,348 Peter, this is a dead end. 392 00:17:38,349 --> 00:17:40,600 All I see here is your Nerf gun from last summer. 393 00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:42,978 Oh, no way. She said I lost that. 394 00:17:42,979 --> 00:17:45,272 She deserves to be in jail. 395 00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:46,356 Hey! 396 00:17:46,357 --> 00:17:48,024 Suck on that, Lois! 397 00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:50,151 That was very close to my eyes, Peter. 398 00:17:50,152 --> 00:17:51,820 It wasn't close to your eye. 399 00:17:51,821 --> 00:17:54,991 - That's why I took it. - It was so far from your eye. 400 00:17:58,327 --> 00:17:59,494 What are we doing here? 401 00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:01,371 Connie never went to the Drunken Clam. 402 00:18:01,372 --> 00:18:03,873 Doesn't matter. Everybody knows the way you solve a murder 403 00:18:03,874 --> 00:18:06,042 is to ask a barkeep if he knows anything. 404 00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:07,836 When he says no, you turn around, 405 00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:10,589 and then he says "wait" and gives you an important clue. 406 00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:13,425 Hey, Jerome, do you know anything about Connie's death? 407 00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:16,011 No, man. I've just been working here. 408 00:18:16,012 --> 00:18:17,554 All right, Brian. Let's get out of here. 409 00:18:17,555 --> 00:18:19,598 - Peter, wait. - Yes? 410 00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:22,726 One of the waitresses says you put her tip down her pants. 411 00:18:22,727 --> 00:18:26,363 Huh. How long were you planning to sit on that little nugget? 412 00:18:26,364 --> 00:18:27,564 You just did it. 413 00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:28,690 Okay, Jerome. 414 00:18:28,691 --> 00:18:31,219 If you remember anything else, 415 00:18:31,220 --> 00:18:32,656 here's my number. 416 00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:36,774 Oh, and here's a nickel for the watered-down beer. 417 00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:39,827 Keep the change. 418 00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:45,332 How are we gonna solve this case, Peter? 419 00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:46,458 I've been thinking about that. 420 00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:49,093 You're a dog, and I'm a man. Right? 421 00:18:49,094 --> 00:18:50,612 So we're basically Scooby-Doo. 422 00:18:50,613 --> 00:18:52,464 - So, what are you saying? - We go around town 423 00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:55,467 and rip off faces until we find the real killer. 424 00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:57,052 Unless... 425 00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:00,847 Which can only mean... 426 00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:04,476 Twins? Guess again. 427 00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:18,866 The newspaper is embarrassing me. 428 00:19:23,781 --> 00:19:26,310 Well, kids, we tried. 429 00:19:26,311 --> 00:19:28,083 I'm afraid your mother's a murderer. 430 00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:30,168 No, Peter, I'm right here. 431 00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,215 Lois, you escaped! 432 00:19:32,216 --> 00:19:33,630 Careful, kids. She killed before. 433 00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:36,007 - She'll kill again. - No, Peter, look wider. 434 00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:37,759 We're all here. 435 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,344 Turns out Lois didn't kill anyone. 436 00:19:39,345 --> 00:19:41,805 Connie D'Amico faked her own death. 437 00:19:41,806 --> 00:19:43,306 Gasp! 438 00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:46,184 We found Connie an hour ago at a motel outside of town. 439 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:48,436 Turns out she put a pig in a blonde wig 440 00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:50,263 behind the wheel of her car. 441 00:19:50,264 --> 00:19:53,274 I'm sorry, our coroner has been pretty sloppy lately. 442 00:19:53,275 --> 00:19:55,777 She's been dealing with some substance abuse. 443 00:19:55,778 --> 00:19:58,029 "She"? Interesting. 444 00:19:58,030 --> 00:20:00,365 Anyway, Lois has been cleared of all charges. 445 00:20:00,366 --> 00:20:01,866 And what of the pig? 446 00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:04,286 That was a very tough house call. 447 00:20:08,374 --> 00:20:10,792 - Yes? - Excuse me, folks. 448 00:20:10,793 --> 00:20:12,883 Do you have a daughter named Peppa? 449 00:20:12,884 --> 00:20:14,045 Yes. 450 00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:16,507 You're gonna want to sit down. 451 00:20:23,347 --> 00:20:24,639 Well, Lois, I got to say, 452 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,391 it's great to have you home from prison. 453 00:20:26,392 --> 00:20:27,851 Ah, it's great to be home. 454 00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:29,394 Hey, I-I got to ask, 455 00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:31,555 are-are you gonna stay that jacked forever? 456 00:20:31,556 --> 00:20:33,165 I don't know. Do you like it? 457 00:20:33,166 --> 00:20:35,483 I-I-I do and I don't, you know? 458 00:20:35,484 --> 00:20:38,069 It-it was... it was nice being held up against a wall, 459 00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:41,364 but when you made me suck the hairdryer, I-I... 460 00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:42,782 I enjoyed it, I did, 461 00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:45,702 but I-I don't want to do that specific thing again. 462 00:20:45,703 --> 00:20:47,871 Well, that's too bad, 'cause I'm ready for round two. 463 00:20:47,872 --> 00:20:50,374 Just got to make sure the kids don't come in. 464 00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:55,086 Now no one can get in, 465 00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:56,588 and no one can get out. 466 00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:58,214 Hands on the headboard, chief. 467 00:20:58,215 --> 00:20:59,633 Yes, ma'am.