1 00:00:04,493 --> 00:00:06,173 Whoa! The bachelor pad's 2 00:00:06,175 --> 00:00:08,476 - looking good, Josh. - Ah, thanks, man. 3 00:00:08,478 --> 00:00:10,811 Yeah, I got rid of my parents' old furniture... it's nice to sit on stuff 4 00:00:10,813 --> 00:00:13,281 that's not permanently shaped like my father's ass. 5 00:00:13,283 --> 00:00:15,983 Ah. Yep, looking real good... 6 00:00:15,985 --> 00:00:18,586 from out here. 7 00:00:18,588 --> 00:00:21,322 Oh. I'd invite you in, but... I guess you're working. 8 00:00:21,324 --> 00:00:23,224 - Jerry, I'm gonna take a ten. - Oh. 9 00:00:23,226 --> 00:00:25,159 Ah. 10 00:00:25,161 --> 00:00:27,097 So, what you got going on, man? 11 00:00:27,099 --> 00:00:29,063 You're newly divorced, you're back in New York... 12 00:00:29,065 --> 00:00:30,932 Ooh, if I was you, this place would be 13 00:00:30,934 --> 00:00:32,230 a revolving door of one-night stands. 14 00:00:32,232 --> 00:00:33,768 Oh, it will be. 15 00:00:33,770 --> 00:00:35,603 I love me a one-night stand! 16 00:00:35,605 --> 00:00:38,472 Last one I had was a girl I took home from IKEA. 17 00:00:38,474 --> 00:00:40,575 Yeah, let's just say that it was a one-night stand 18 00:00:40,577 --> 00:00:42,315 on a new nightstand, you know what I mean? 19 00:00:42,317 --> 00:00:43,578 Oh, I know, I know. 20 00:00:43,580 --> 00:00:45,613 Okay, okay, yeah, fine, give me all the juicy deets. 21 00:00:45,615 --> 00:00:47,582 - Uh, okay, okay, here's one. - Okay. Yeah. 22 00:00:47,584 --> 00:00:49,884 - Her name was Lisa Joan Furman. - Lisa Joan Furman. 23 00:00:49,886 --> 00:00:52,286 We were in a play together one summer in Williamsburg. 24 00:00:52,288 --> 00:00:53,554 - Williamsburg. - Our Town. 25 00:00:53,556 --> 00:00:55,356 I was George. She was Emily. 26 00:00:55,358 --> 00:00:56,557 - Don't care, keep going. - Okay. 27 00:00:56,559 --> 00:00:58,881 Got trashed at the wrap party, had a wild night... 28 00:00:58,883 --> 00:00:59,938 - Nasty. - Then in the morning, 29 00:00:59,940 --> 00:01:01,533 she went home to Orlando. 30 00:01:01,535 --> 00:01:03,497 After a few e-mails back and forth, 31 00:01:03,499 --> 00:01:06,000 we both decided it would be best if she got back together 32 00:01:06,002 --> 00:01:09,337 with her high school boyfriend! Ugh! Up top! 33 00:01:10,139 --> 00:01:11,505 Put that down. 34 00:01:11,507 --> 00:01:13,881 That's not a one-night stand, man. 35 00:01:14,711 --> 00:01:17,288 Jerry, that ten just turned into a five. 36 00:01:19,349 --> 00:01:21,382 A sad five. 37 00:01:22,719 --> 00:01:24,518 Can you believe I've never had a one-night stand? 38 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:26,220 - We can. - Easily. 39 00:01:26,222 --> 00:01:27,455 What's that supposed to mean? 40 00:01:27,457 --> 00:01:28,656 You don't have the... 41 00:01:28,658 --> 00:01:30,658 constitution for a one-night stand. 42 00:01:30,660 --> 00:01:33,494 - Sure I do. - No. You're a serial monogamist. 43 00:01:33,496 --> 00:01:35,796 Yeah, high school girlfriend, college girlfriend, 44 00:01:35,798 --> 00:01:38,366 a string of six-monthers, and then you married Kim. 45 00:01:38,368 --> 00:01:41,435 Oh, and don't forget your lifelong love affair with Mom. 46 00:01:41,437 --> 00:01:43,671 Great. Well, just 'cause I've been in a lot of relationships 47 00:01:43,673 --> 00:01:45,840 doesn't mean I can't have a night of casual sex. 48 00:01:45,842 --> 00:01:47,808 - Doesn't it? - I can have casual sex. 49 00:01:47,810 --> 00:01:49,243 Can you? 50 00:01:49,245 --> 00:01:50,878 Of course I can. 51 00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:53,748 And my divorce is an opportunity for me to reinvent myself. 52 00:01:53,750 --> 00:01:56,350 Yeah, that's right, people... Tonight the kid is gonna do 53 00:01:56,352 --> 00:01:58,419 something he should have done in his early 20s. 54 00:01:58,421 --> 00:02:00,354 Stop calling himself "the kid"? 55 00:02:00,356 --> 00:02:03,557 No. Have an actual one-night stand. 56 00:02:03,559 --> 00:02:06,661 Finally. It's about time you stopped counting Lisa Joan Furman, 57 00:02:06,663 --> 00:02:09,430 who, by the way, I banged. 58 00:02:09,432 --> 00:02:11,866 You said you just ran into her at the airport. 59 00:02:11,868 --> 00:02:15,202 No, I said I rammed into her. 60 00:02:15,204 --> 00:02:16,671 Whatever. Tonight, I'm gonna go out, 61 00:02:16,673 --> 00:02:18,773 find some random woman, and make love to her. 62 00:02:18,775 --> 00:02:19,874 What? 63 00:02:19,876 --> 00:02:22,710 Don't say "make love." You're not a white R&B singer. 64 00:02:22,712 --> 00:02:23,911 Why? What are you supposed to say? 65 00:02:23,913 --> 00:02:25,446 Uh, "do it." 66 00:02:25,448 --> 00:02:27,014 - "Get busy." - "Hump." 67 00:02:27,016 --> 00:02:28,249 "Pound." 68 00:02:28,251 --> 00:02:29,283 "Drill." 69 00:02:29,285 --> 00:02:30,718 "Ride." 70 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:32,753 - "Nail." - "Bang." 71 00:02:32,755 --> 00:02:34,155 "Plow." 72 00:02:34,157 --> 00:02:35,256 "Slam." 73 00:02:35,258 --> 00:02:37,024 - Should I go? - Shh... 74 00:02:37,130 --> 00:02:41,095 Synced and corrected by johnyd13 ~ www.addic7ed.com ~ 75 00:02:48,333 --> 00:02:50,188 Oh, God! 76 00:02:50,190 --> 00:02:51,122 What? 77 00:02:51,124 --> 00:02:52,857 We already had bananas. 78 00:02:52,859 --> 00:02:54,726 Well, I didn't know that. 79 00:02:54,728 --> 00:02:57,128 Well, you helped me unpack them this morning. 80 00:02:57,130 --> 00:02:59,330 That must be why they were on my mind. 81 00:02:59,332 --> 00:03:01,766 There's no way we can eat all these bananas 82 00:03:01,768 --> 00:03:03,201 before they go bad. 83 00:03:03,203 --> 00:03:04,869 What a disaster. 84 00:03:04,871 --> 00:03:06,671 Judy, you're overreacting. 85 00:03:06,673 --> 00:03:08,936 Well, it's a catastrophe. 86 00:03:08,938 --> 00:03:11,572 You said disaster... Make up your mind! 87 00:03:11,574 --> 00:03:13,473 It's both! 88 00:03:13,475 --> 00:03:15,442 All right, all right, I'll just throw them out. 89 00:03:15,444 --> 00:03:17,444 Oh, really? You, Harold Saul Roberts, 90 00:03:17,446 --> 00:03:19,513 are gonna waste perfectly good fruit? 91 00:03:19,515 --> 00:03:20,714 Watch me. 92 00:03:27,056 --> 00:03:29,289 I can't do it. 93 00:03:36,232 --> 00:03:39,066 Man, it's weird being in a bar this long. 94 00:03:39,068 --> 00:03:42,569 In the old days, I would have gone home with a girl by now. 95 00:03:42,571 --> 00:03:44,538 All right, Josh, we're not paying our babysitter 96 00:03:44,540 --> 00:03:46,840 so that we can stand here and chitchat. 97 00:03:46,842 --> 00:03:49,409 So point to an ass, and let us help you tap it. 98 00:03:49,411 --> 00:03:51,299 I don't need your help. 99 00:03:51,634 --> 00:03:54,548 Looks like someone already likey the Joshy. 100 00:03:54,550 --> 00:03:58,018 Wow, that makes me want to makey the pukey. 101 00:03:58,020 --> 00:04:00,254 I'll see you guys tomorrow morning. 102 00:04:00,256 --> 00:04:02,356 Hi. How you doing? 103 00:04:02,358 --> 00:04:05,959 Hi. Has anyone ever told you that you look exactly like 104 00:04:05,961 --> 00:04:08,328 the guy from that show, Blind Cop? 105 00:04:08,330 --> 00:04:11,465 Uh, what if I told you I am the guy from Blind Cop. 106 00:04:11,467 --> 00:04:12,966 No way! 107 00:04:12,968 --> 00:04:15,535 My mother and I loved that show. 108 00:04:15,537 --> 00:04:17,037 Aw. Are you and your mom close? 109 00:04:17,039 --> 00:04:19,473 Ew. Why is he staring into her eyes like that? 110 00:04:19,475 --> 00:04:22,342 He's probably picturing her in a wedding dress. 111 00:04:22,344 --> 00:04:24,878 Would it be weird if we FaceTime my mom right now? 112 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:26,747 Um, I think it'd be weird if we didn't. 113 00:04:28,851 --> 00:04:30,350 Wha-What is happening? 114 00:04:30,352 --> 00:04:33,253 I think they're syncing up their periods. 115 00:04:33,255 --> 00:04:36,523 I can't wait to meet you, either, Katie's mom. 116 00:04:36,525 --> 00:04:38,358 Oh, no. 117 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:40,127 The call dropped. 118 00:04:40,129 --> 00:04:42,896 Look, what are you doing? FaceTiming the mother? 119 00:04:42,898 --> 00:04:45,699 It's like you're trying to un-tap that ass. 120 00:04:45,701 --> 00:04:48,068 Luckily for you, Andrew and I are here to help, 121 00:04:48,070 --> 00:04:50,772 and we both have a lot of one-night stands under our belts. 122 00:04:50,774 --> 00:04:52,940 Now, the key is to stay completely detached... 123 00:04:52,942 --> 00:04:54,541 So don't ask any personal questions. 124 00:04:54,543 --> 00:04:56,576 Or look for common interests. 125 00:04:56,578 --> 00:04:59,446 Yeah, and don't caress her arm or tuck her hair behind her ear 126 00:04:59,448 --> 00:05:02,482 or do any of that other yuck that comes so naturally to you. 127 00:05:02,484 --> 00:05:03,951 Well, I don't want to insult her. 128 00:05:03,953 --> 00:05:05,953 Josh, women like one-night stands 129 00:05:05,955 --> 00:05:07,654 just as much as men. 130 00:05:07,656 --> 00:05:09,923 And your assumption that every girl wants more 131 00:05:09,925 --> 00:05:11,825 is actually a little sexist. 132 00:05:11,827 --> 00:05:13,660 Yeah, Josh. 133 00:05:13,662 --> 00:05:16,163 Okay, okay, I'll give your way a shot. 134 00:05:16,165 --> 00:05:17,764 Um... all right. 135 00:05:17,766 --> 00:05:19,633 What about that girl? 136 00:05:19,635 --> 00:05:21,868 She's wearing pants... She's not down to pound. 137 00:05:21,870 --> 00:05:24,604 Okay. Uh... what about her? 138 00:05:24,606 --> 00:05:26,873 That's a guy... But the way this is going, 139 00:05:26,875 --> 00:05:29,109 we'll put a pin in him for later. 140 00:05:29,111 --> 00:05:30,944 Oh. There's your girl. 141 00:05:30,946 --> 00:05:32,646 Oh, yeah. 142 00:05:32,648 --> 00:05:34,247 I'm going over. 143 00:05:34,249 --> 00:05:36,216 All right, and I'll turn my back so she doesn't think 144 00:05:36,218 --> 00:05:38,151 she's settling for second place. 145 00:05:40,189 --> 00:05:42,990 - Hi. How you doing? - Good. 146 00:05:54,903 --> 00:05:57,237 Mmm, this has been fun. Should we get another? 147 00:05:57,239 --> 00:06:00,207 Sure. Maybe we should get one back at my place. 148 00:06:00,209 --> 00:06:01,808 Yes, please. 149 00:06:01,810 --> 00:06:04,578 Seriously? I mean, cool. Whatever. I don't care. 150 00:06:04,580 --> 00:06:06,413 Just gonna grab my coat. 151 00:06:06,415 --> 00:06:08,515 Grab it, don't grab it... Doesn't matter to me. 152 00:06:08,517 --> 00:06:11,118 - So should I not... - No, grab it. That would be great. 153 00:06:15,124 --> 00:06:17,090 It worked! She's coming back to my place, 154 00:06:17,092 --> 00:06:19,292 and all because of your very mean rules. 155 00:06:19,294 --> 00:06:21,995 Your place? I would have gone coatroom, taxi, in an alley, 156 00:06:21,997 --> 00:06:24,064 up against a Dumpster... Those are the classics. 157 00:06:24,066 --> 00:06:26,199 But I get it... You're easing into this. 158 00:06:26,201 --> 00:06:27,501 It's not a problem as long as 159 00:06:27,503 --> 00:06:29,669 tomorrow morning you get her out of there 160 00:06:29,671 --> 00:06:31,104 - as quickly as possibly. - Right. 161 00:06:31,106 --> 00:06:32,706 Here is my signature move. 162 00:06:32,708 --> 00:06:36,043 When she wakes up, hand her a breakfast burrito in a bag, 163 00:06:36,045 --> 00:06:38,078 so she knows it's time to go. 164 00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:40,714 Don't let her accidentally leave anything behind. 165 00:06:40,716 --> 00:06:43,383 And keep your hands in your pockets at all times 166 00:06:43,385 --> 00:06:45,585 so there's no danger of exchanging contact info 167 00:06:45,587 --> 00:06:47,788 or weirdly hugging her. 168 00:06:47,790 --> 00:06:50,390 Okay. Burrito, no leave-behinds, hands in pockets. 169 00:06:50,392 --> 00:06:51,858 Is cuddling... 170 00:06:51,860 --> 00:06:54,227 - Shut your stupid mouth. - Right. Okay, right. 171 00:06:56,365 --> 00:06:57,764 What? 172 00:06:57,766 --> 00:07:00,700 You gave me a burrito in a bag. 173 00:07:00,702 --> 00:07:02,269 Did I? 174 00:07:02,271 --> 00:07:04,604 Yeah. The morning after our first night together. 175 00:07:04,606 --> 00:07:06,473 In fact, everything you just told him to do 176 00:07:06,475 --> 00:07:09,443 is exactly what you did to me. 177 00:07:09,445 --> 00:07:12,546 Was I supposed to be a one-night stand? 178 00:07:12,548 --> 00:07:15,715 Would it bother you if you were? 179 00:07:15,717 --> 00:07:18,051 Uh, yeah, I think it would. 180 00:07:18,053 --> 00:07:19,686 Then no... 181 00:07:19,688 --> 00:07:21,788 you were not. 182 00:07:32,112 --> 00:07:33,500 Do you want to know why I don't have 183 00:07:33,502 --> 00:07:35,335 a banana in my oatmeal this morning? 184 00:07:35,337 --> 00:07:38,205 - No, but I feel the answer's coming. - Hmm? 185 00:07:38,207 --> 00:07:40,207 It's because you created this banana nightmare, 186 00:07:40,209 --> 00:07:41,908 and I'm not gonna fix it. 187 00:07:41,910 --> 00:07:43,477 Still with the bananas? 188 00:07:43,479 --> 00:07:46,725 Oh, the bananas are just the tip of the iceberg. 189 00:07:47,282 --> 00:07:49,116 You don't pay attention. Harry? 190 00:07:49,118 --> 00:07:51,246 You don't pay attention, 191 00:07:51,248 --> 00:07:53,120 and it affects me. 192 00:07:53,122 --> 00:07:55,722 Well, you've got my attention now. 193 00:07:55,724 --> 00:07:58,525 You leave the toilet seat up in the middle of the night, 194 00:07:58,527 --> 00:08:00,861 my bare tush dips into the water. 195 00:08:00,863 --> 00:08:03,130 You put empty Haagen-Dazs containers 196 00:08:03,132 --> 00:08:07,467 in the freezer... I go for a spoonful, I'm devastated. 197 00:08:07,469 --> 00:08:08,902 You don't pay 198 00:08:08,904 --> 00:08:10,537 your parking tickets, 199 00:08:10,539 --> 00:08:13,106 so there's a boot on the car on New Year's Eve, 200 00:08:13,108 --> 00:08:15,308 and I can't go see my wonderful sister 201 00:08:15,310 --> 00:08:17,577 or her terrible new facelift. 202 00:08:17,579 --> 00:08:19,112 Well, I've always been forgetful. 203 00:08:19,114 --> 00:08:21,290 Why all of a sudden does it bother you? 204 00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:24,351 No, it's bothered me for 50 years... I just haven't said anything, 205 00:08:24,353 --> 00:08:27,087 because, like in any marriage, I pick my battles. 206 00:08:27,089 --> 00:08:29,356 What battle haven't you picked? 207 00:08:30,359 --> 00:08:32,926 You once iced me out for an entire week 208 00:08:32,928 --> 00:08:35,095 because you didn't like the whooshing sound 209 00:08:35,097 --> 00:08:36,963 of my windbreaker. 210 00:08:36,965 --> 00:08:38,231 I couldn't take it anymore. 211 00:08:38,233 --> 00:08:40,901 I felt like I was married to a sailboat. 212 00:08:40,903 --> 00:08:42,936 Well, if it means that much to you, 213 00:08:42,938 --> 00:08:44,671 I'll take care of the bananas. 214 00:08:44,673 --> 00:08:46,039 Thank you. 215 00:08:47,676 --> 00:08:49,643 Ring, ring! 216 00:08:50,879 --> 00:08:52,379 It's for you. 217 00:08:52,381 --> 00:08:53,980 Take a message. 218 00:08:58,887 --> 00:08:59,853 Hmm. 219 00:08:59,855 --> 00:09:02,222 Breakfast burrito? 220 00:09:02,224 --> 00:09:03,490 Oh. Wow, thanks. 221 00:09:03,492 --> 00:09:05,458 Um, could I take it to go? 222 00:09:05,460 --> 00:09:07,227 Sure can. 223 00:09:08,597 --> 00:09:11,935 And I took the liberty of getting your stuff together. 224 00:09:13,535 --> 00:09:15,869 Well, I don't have to leave yet. 225 00:09:15,871 --> 00:09:18,305 Want to go again? 226 00:09:18,307 --> 00:09:22,375 I do, but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to. 227 00:09:24,546 --> 00:09:27,080 Ah. Morning. 228 00:09:27,082 --> 00:09:29,015 You're in a good mood! I was worried 229 00:09:29,017 --> 00:09:30,884 you'd still be bummed about last night. 230 00:09:30,886 --> 00:09:33,420 Oh, you mean about me being a one-night stand? 231 00:09:33,422 --> 00:09:34,754 No, not at all. 232 00:09:34,756 --> 00:09:36,356 'Cause you know what I realized? 233 00:09:36,358 --> 00:09:37,824 I was being a hypocrite, 234 00:09:37,826 --> 00:09:41,228 as I also intended for you to be a one-night stand. 235 00:09:45,782 --> 00:09:46,700 What's funny? 236 00:09:46,702 --> 00:09:48,101 You left your sweater behind 237 00:09:48,103 --> 00:09:50,403 so you would have a reason to see me again. 238 00:09:50,405 --> 00:09:52,205 I left my sweater behind 239 00:09:52,207 --> 00:09:55,642 'cause I woke up with my arms looking swole, 240 00:09:55,644 --> 00:09:57,611 and I thought it would be a crime 241 00:09:57,613 --> 00:10:01,147 to keep these puppies locked in a cashmere cage. 242 00:10:01,149 --> 00:10:02,949 You also sent me flowers. 243 00:10:02,951 --> 00:10:04,584 Yes. Those were get well flowers, 244 00:10:04,586 --> 00:10:05,952 since I broke your heart 245 00:10:05,954 --> 00:10:08,989 and, quite possibly, your tailbone. 246 00:10:08,991 --> 00:10:11,791 And you e-mailed me later that same day, 247 00:10:11,793 --> 00:10:13,526 asking when you could see me again. 248 00:10:13,528 --> 00:10:16,529 Yeah, I did. I wanted to get my sweater back, 249 00:10:16,531 --> 00:10:20,133 because Josh has wimpy arms and I thought he could use it. 250 00:10:24,399 --> 00:10:28,174 Well, thank you for the fun night, uh... 251 00:10:28,176 --> 00:10:29,709 Doesn't matter. 252 00:10:29,711 --> 00:10:32,045 But it was fun, uh... 253 00:10:32,047 --> 00:10:33,446 Josh. 254 00:10:33,448 --> 00:10:35,015 Honestly, I thought it was Neal. 255 00:10:35,017 --> 00:10:37,967 Honestly, I love that. 256 00:10:38,261 --> 00:10:40,153 Okay. Well, uh... 257 00:10:40,889 --> 00:10:42,656 Oh. 258 00:10:44,426 --> 00:10:46,192 Bye. Bye. 259 00:10:46,194 --> 00:10:48,228 Uh, that was really weird. 260 00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:49,362 I don't want to end on that. 261 00:10:49,364 --> 00:10:51,064 Can we just have a normal hug? 262 00:10:51,066 --> 00:10:52,947 - Sure. - Okay. 263 00:10:53,229 --> 00:10:56,002 - Josh! - Okay. Good times. Bye. 264 00:10:56,004 --> 00:10:57,771 Come on, come on, come on, come on. 265 00:10:57,773 --> 00:10:59,539 Ah, who was that? 266 00:10:59,541 --> 00:11:00,707 Nobody. 267 00:11:00,709 --> 00:11:03,376 - Quite a body for a nobody. - Mom. 268 00:11:03,378 --> 00:11:05,345 Fine. You'll tell me later. I'm going for a walk. 269 00:11:05,347 --> 00:11:09,449 Those bananas are staring at me like I'm the bad guy. 270 00:11:12,020 --> 00:11:13,920 Well, folks. 271 00:11:13,922 --> 00:11:16,256 I did it. I had a one-night stand. 272 00:11:16,258 --> 00:11:17,924 Nice. Tell me everything. 273 00:11:17,926 --> 00:11:19,125 Not much to say. 274 00:11:19,127 --> 00:11:20,627 It was awesome, and she left 275 00:11:20,629 --> 00:11:22,762 without us learning a single thing about each other. 276 00:11:22,764 --> 00:11:24,064 What about her feelings, Josh? 277 00:11:24,066 --> 00:11:26,199 You ever think about them? 278 00:11:27,435 --> 00:11:30,170 Hey, if I had had sex with her again this morning, 279 00:11:30,172 --> 00:11:32,188 would it still count as a one-night stand? 280 00:11:32,190 --> 00:11:34,374 - Yeah. - Damn it! 281 00:11:40,816 --> 00:11:42,649 Uh-oh, I know that smile. 282 00:11:42,651 --> 00:11:44,590 You finally did it, didn't you? 283 00:11:44,592 --> 00:11:46,586 I'm not one to kiss and tell, 284 00:11:46,588 --> 00:11:48,021 but I do whisper. Yes. 285 00:11:48,023 --> 00:11:49,189 Oh, I'm proud of you, boy. 286 00:11:49,191 --> 00:11:50,690 You finally had a one-night stand, 287 00:11:50,692 --> 00:11:52,425 - and it only took you 50... - 40. 288 00:11:52,427 --> 00:11:54,828 40 years, yeah. How do you feel? 289 00:11:54,830 --> 00:11:56,129 Good. I'm never gonna see her again, 290 00:11:56,131 --> 00:11:57,864 and I couldn't be happier about it. 291 00:11:57,866 --> 00:12:00,346 Uh-huh. I bet you hit it again in the morning, too, didn't you? 292 00:12:03,505 --> 00:12:04,971 It's adorable. 293 00:12:04,973 --> 00:12:06,539 - Hey, guys. - Hey, Joshua. 294 00:12:09,370 --> 00:12:11,678 Hey, you. 295 00:12:16,447 --> 00:12:18,300 Sometimes when I finish a banana, 296 00:12:18,302 --> 00:12:21,883 I like to chase it down with one more. 297 00:12:21,885 --> 00:12:24,552 - I'm sorry, what is happening here? - Your father's pushing 298 00:12:24,554 --> 00:12:27,889 his radical banana agenda on our wonderful new friend. 299 00:12:28,611 --> 00:12:30,024 Mom, a word? 300 00:12:30,244 --> 00:12:33,127 - Yeah. - Excuse us. 301 00:12:35,256 --> 00:12:37,832 - What's she doing here? - Oh, it's so funny. 302 00:12:37,834 --> 00:12:39,300 I went downstairs this morning, 303 00:12:39,302 --> 00:12:40,835 I stepped outside, I recognized her 304 00:12:40,837 --> 00:12:43,137 from the elevator. We got to chatting, 305 00:12:43,139 --> 00:12:45,273 we both realized we were headed downtown, 306 00:12:45,275 --> 00:12:47,475 next thing you know, we're sharing a taxi, 307 00:12:47,477 --> 00:12:49,711 and spending the whole day together. 308 00:12:49,713 --> 00:12:52,292 What part of that is funny? 309 00:12:52,627 --> 00:12:54,315 I don't know, maybe I told it wrong. 310 00:12:55,418 --> 00:12:56,651 Oh, this one is special, Josh. 311 00:12:56,653 --> 00:12:58,419 I have a really good feeling about her. 312 00:12:58,421 --> 00:13:00,788 Okay, I'm not looking for special or a good feeling. 313 00:13:00,790 --> 00:13:02,323 She was a one-night stand. 314 00:13:02,325 --> 00:13:03,458 Oh, don't say that. 315 00:13:03,460 --> 00:13:04,692 You don't have one-night stands. 316 00:13:04,694 --> 00:13:05,893 You're a good boy. 317 00:13:05,895 --> 00:13:07,870 Not anymore. 318 00:13:07,872 --> 00:13:09,464 Now I'm a bad boy, 319 00:13:09,466 --> 00:13:11,199 said no bad boy ever. 320 00:13:11,201 --> 00:13:12,633 Well, 321 00:13:12,635 --> 00:13:14,268 I see a real future for you. 322 00:13:14,270 --> 00:13:16,104 Do you know she's a child psychologist 323 00:13:16,106 --> 00:13:18,740 who builds schools in Guatemala in the summer? 324 00:13:18,742 --> 00:13:21,142 Wow. That's amazing, but irrelevant. 325 00:13:21,144 --> 00:13:22,844 I don't want to know any more about her. 326 00:13:22,846 --> 00:13:24,011 She's one and done. 327 00:13:24,013 --> 00:13:26,013 Oh, don't talk that way about Lily. 328 00:13:26,015 --> 00:13:29,183 Lily? Damn it. That's one of my favorite names. 329 00:13:29,185 --> 00:13:31,018 All right, well, I'm gonna get going. 330 00:13:31,020 --> 00:13:32,954 I had a really great time with you today. 331 00:13:32,956 --> 00:13:36,034 And I with you. Don't be a stranger. 332 00:13:36,036 --> 00:13:37,739 Yeah. 333 00:13:39,608 --> 00:13:41,900 - Listen, Lily... - Before you say anything, I am so sorry. 334 00:13:41,902 --> 00:13:44,303 I know this was only supposed to be a one-night stand, 335 00:13:44,305 --> 00:13:46,105 it's just one minute I'm hailing a cab, 336 00:13:46,107 --> 00:13:47,706 and the next thing I know, 337 00:13:47,708 --> 00:13:49,475 your mother's my new best friend. 338 00:13:49,477 --> 00:13:53,679 And I find myself lost in this, like, daylong Judy... 339 00:13:53,681 --> 00:13:56,081 - Vortex... - Vortex. 340 00:13:56,083 --> 00:13:58,283 That's what I've called it since tenth grade, 341 00:13:58,285 --> 00:13:59,718 when I learned that word. 342 00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:01,787 It perfectly describes it. 343 00:14:01,789 --> 00:14:02,988 I know. 344 00:14:04,738 --> 00:14:06,158 Well, I should probably... 345 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:08,127 Yeah. I totally have to, uh... 346 00:14:13,667 --> 00:14:16,135 Ooh, someone came to play. 347 00:14:16,137 --> 00:14:18,337 Wha...? 348 00:14:18,686 --> 00:14:20,939 Oh, Dad! 349 00:14:26,803 --> 00:14:28,781 Well, thanks for another fun night. 350 00:14:28,783 --> 00:14:31,917 I'll, uh, see you when I see you... if I see you. 351 00:14:31,919 --> 00:14:34,353 Right. Hey, this time before you hail a cab, 352 00:14:34,355 --> 00:14:36,355 maybe walk a few blocks. 353 00:14:36,357 --> 00:14:38,377 You know? 354 00:14:44,159 --> 00:14:46,565 - For old time's sake? - Sure. 355 00:14:51,138 --> 00:14:52,404 Okay. Bye. Bye. 356 00:14:52,406 --> 00:14:55,174 Yeah. 357 00:14:56,310 --> 00:14:57,709 You make me sick. 358 00:14:57,711 --> 00:14:59,144 No, no, no, no. You don't understand. 359 00:14:59,146 --> 00:15:00,345 It's my mother's fault. 360 00:15:00,347 --> 00:15:01,847 - Yeah, for raising such a ween. - Who's a ween? 361 00:15:01,849 --> 00:15:04,416 Josh. He slept with his one-night stand again. 362 00:15:04,418 --> 00:15:07,219 Ooh, a repeat customer. 363 00:15:07,221 --> 00:15:09,855 Which means, it is no longer a one-night stand. 364 00:15:09,857 --> 00:15:11,890 No, no, no. It still counts. It's just a one-night stand 365 00:15:11,892 --> 00:15:14,726 with the same girl twice. It's a two-night stand. 366 00:15:14,728 --> 00:15:16,228 What the hell's a two-night stand? 367 00:15:16,230 --> 00:15:18,497 The start of Josh's next long-term relationship. 368 00:15:18,499 --> 00:15:19,498 No. No. 369 00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:21,467 He slept with Lily again. 370 00:15:21,469 --> 00:15:23,702 He slept with Lily again? 371 00:15:23,704 --> 00:15:24,770 Oh, God. 372 00:15:24,772 --> 00:15:26,605 Ah, I told him there was a future for them. 373 00:15:26,607 --> 00:15:29,174 There's no future for us. Neither of us wants a future. 374 00:15:29,176 --> 00:15:31,410 - I didn't even get her number. - Oh. 375 00:15:31,412 --> 00:15:32,811 I have it. 376 00:15:32,813 --> 00:15:34,613 - You do? - Uh-huh. 377 00:15:34,615 --> 00:15:36,381 You want it? 378 00:15:36,619 --> 00:15:38,150 No. I do not. 379 00:15:38,152 --> 00:15:40,052 That's too bad, because she told me 380 00:15:40,054 --> 00:15:41,854 she hasn't been so comfortable with someone 381 00:15:41,856 --> 00:15:43,655 in a very long time. 382 00:15:43,657 --> 00:15:46,024 Really? I felt comfortable with her, too. 383 00:15:46,026 --> 00:15:49,161 I know, but since it was just a wham-bam, thank you, ma'am, 384 00:15:49,163 --> 00:15:50,796 I guess I can get rid of this? 385 00:15:50,798 --> 00:15:52,231 Why do you have a lighter? 386 00:15:52,233 --> 00:15:54,967 It was in my pants from the Streisand concert. 387 00:15:56,103 --> 00:15:58,504 Do you know what Lily's favorite movie is? 388 00:15:58,506 --> 00:15:59,571 Oh, God. Please don't say 389 00:15:59,573 --> 00:16:01,740 - Annie Hall. No! - Annie Hall. 390 00:16:01,742 --> 00:16:03,542 But since you don't want to see her again. 391 00:16:03,544 --> 00:16:05,344 Stop! I do want to see her again. 392 00:16:05,346 --> 00:16:06,912 You guys were right, okay? 393 00:16:06,914 --> 00:16:08,514 I'm not a one-night stand kind of guy. 394 00:16:08,516 --> 00:16:10,048 - Obvi. Duh. - Yeah. 395 00:16:10,050 --> 00:16:12,518 Okay, I tried to be, thought I could be, but I'm not. 396 00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:14,953 I like being in a relationship. It's just who I am. 397 00:16:14,955 --> 00:16:17,723 Of course it is, because you're not a bad boy. 398 00:16:17,725 --> 00:16:20,092 You're a good boy. 399 00:16:20,094 --> 00:16:22,161 As much as I'd like to make fun of you right now, 400 00:16:22,163 --> 00:16:23,829 it's recently come to my attention 401 00:16:23,831 --> 00:16:26,765 that one-night stands can be rather hurtful. 402 00:16:26,767 --> 00:16:29,134 So, I say go to her, Josh. 403 00:16:29,136 --> 00:16:32,237 And when your children ask how you and Mommy met, 404 00:16:32,239 --> 00:16:36,175 you'll have a story you can tell them proudly. 405 00:16:36,177 --> 00:16:39,077 Yeah, Joshy, call her. Dial like the wind 406 00:16:39,079 --> 00:16:41,013 and tell her exactly how you feel. 407 00:16:41,015 --> 00:16:43,815 I say this with love, but as a family, 408 00:16:43,817 --> 00:16:45,784 you need to grow a pair. 409 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:51,256 Andrew, come here. 410 00:16:51,258 --> 00:16:52,658 There's something I have to show you. 411 00:16:52,660 --> 00:16:55,727 I'm trying to wallow. 412 00:16:55,729 --> 00:16:58,096 I thought you'd let it go by now, 413 00:16:58,098 --> 00:17:00,632 but you've left me no choice. 414 00:17:01,189 --> 00:17:03,402 All right. 415 00:17:03,404 --> 00:17:05,804 This is the e-mail you sent me 416 00:17:05,806 --> 00:17:07,806 the morning after we first boned. 417 00:17:07,808 --> 00:17:09,441 So crass. 418 00:17:09,443 --> 00:17:12,177 Sorry... made bone. 419 00:17:12,179 --> 00:17:15,080 And these are the flowers you sent me. 420 00:17:15,082 --> 00:17:17,314 And, of course, the sweater. 421 00:17:17,316 --> 00:17:20,352 Oh, God, I love periwinkle. 422 00:17:20,354 --> 00:17:23,822 See? So this proves that even though 423 00:17:23,824 --> 00:17:26,024 I thought you'd be a one-night stand, 424 00:17:26,026 --> 00:17:28,393 when you left my apartment the next morning, 425 00:17:28,395 --> 00:17:30,829 I knew I liked you. 426 00:17:30,831 --> 00:17:32,197 Happy? 427 00:17:32,199 --> 00:17:33,832 Thrilled. 428 00:17:33,834 --> 00:17:36,134 But it doesn't prove that you liked me. 429 00:17:36,136 --> 00:17:38,770 It proves that you loved me. 430 00:17:38,772 --> 00:17:40,872 No, it doesn't. 431 00:17:40,874 --> 00:17:43,242 You were head over heels from the second 432 00:17:43,244 --> 00:17:44,710 you laid eyes on all of this. 433 00:17:44,712 --> 00:17:46,378 Why else would you keep that stuff? 434 00:17:46,380 --> 00:17:49,381 I kept trophies from all my conquests. 435 00:17:49,383 --> 00:17:52,351 I was like a sexual serial killer. 436 00:17:52,353 --> 00:17:54,486 Please, you loved me. 437 00:17:54,488 --> 00:17:56,088 Why did I show you this crap? 438 00:17:56,090 --> 00:17:57,623 - Huge mistake. - Yeah. 439 00:17:57,625 --> 00:17:59,658 But since we're being honest with each other, 440 00:17:59,660 --> 00:18:01,642 I guess I should tell you. 441 00:18:01,871 --> 00:18:05,530 The first time we made bone... 442 00:18:05,532 --> 00:18:08,500 I was making love. 443 00:18:12,048 --> 00:18:14,640 You're a tough one to figure out, Josh Roberts. 444 00:18:14,642 --> 00:18:16,541 One minute you're super detached, 445 00:18:16,543 --> 00:18:18,377 the next, you're super cuddly. 446 00:18:18,379 --> 00:18:19,878 Who are you? 447 00:18:21,041 --> 00:18:22,414 Okay, well, 448 00:18:22,416 --> 00:18:24,783 the truth is, I wasn't totally 449 00:18:24,785 --> 00:18:26,618 being myself before. 450 00:18:26,620 --> 00:18:28,553 I'm actually more of a relationship guy, but... 451 00:18:28,555 --> 00:18:30,188 I'm a relationship girl. 452 00:18:30,190 --> 00:18:32,291 - You are? - Through and through. 453 00:18:32,293 --> 00:18:35,227 But after so many jerks who only want one-night stands, 454 00:18:35,229 --> 00:18:37,095 I've had to put up this, like, guard, 455 00:18:37,097 --> 00:18:38,797 and pretend that's all I want, too. 456 00:18:38,799 --> 00:18:41,400 Well, no more pretending; you can let your guard down with me. 457 00:18:41,402 --> 00:18:43,335 Oh, such a relief. 458 00:18:43,337 --> 00:18:46,438 Come on out, lifetime-commitment Lily. 459 00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,106 I'm sorry, who? 460 00:18:48,108 --> 00:18:49,941 Oh, that's what my friends all call me. 461 00:18:49,943 --> 00:18:51,977 'Cause you're such a committed friend? 462 00:18:51,979 --> 00:18:54,646 'Cause I want to get married, like, yesterday. 463 00:18:54,648 --> 00:18:57,749 Wow, that guard is just crumbling on down, isn't it? 464 00:18:57,751 --> 00:18:59,685 - Can I tell you a secret? - Okay. 465 00:18:59,687 --> 00:19:01,687 I hunted your mother down and made her think 466 00:19:01,689 --> 00:19:04,056 she orchestrated the whole day, but really, it was me. 467 00:19:04,058 --> 00:19:05,357 Uh-huh... 468 00:19:05,359 --> 00:19:06,892 - Can I tell you another secret? - Sure. 469 00:19:06,894 --> 00:19:08,293 I think I love you. 470 00:19:09,463 --> 00:19:11,029 Just kidding. 471 00:19:11,031 --> 00:19:12,564 I know I love you. 472 00:19:13,934 --> 00:19:16,468 I'm so happy you know where I live. 473 00:19:24,818 --> 00:19:26,671 How you doing over there, Harry? 474 00:19:26,673 --> 00:19:28,614 Not great. 475 00:19:29,676 --> 00:19:32,878 I don't know how monkeys do this. 476 00:19:35,516 --> 00:19:38,483 You know what? I got this one. 477 00:19:38,485 --> 00:19:40,218 - Really? - Yeah. 478 00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:42,754 You're starting to make me sick. 479 00:19:42,756 --> 00:19:44,990 Thank you. 480 00:19:44,992 --> 00:19:48,960 And I promise to make more of an effort from now on. 481 00:19:51,331 --> 00:19:53,832 Ring, ring. Hello? 482 00:19:53,834 --> 00:19:56,034 That's my girl. 483 00:19:56,260 --> 00:20:00,725 Synced and corrected by johnyd13 ~ www.addic7ed.com ~