Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com
You must be Jean.
I'm Louis. Please, come in.
I was... expecting somewhere a bit more...
... grand.
It's our policy to engage with the client at their level.
You thought I'd be more comfortable in a shitty motel
than a chateau?
Why don't you have a seat?
Took a lot of work to track you down.
Well, we're happy to have a high bar of entry.
Any potential client we want to make sure is completely committed.
Oh, I'm... I'm committed.
When I hear the Black Sabbath album for the first time,
it changed my life.
Black Sabbath?
You've never heard of Black Sabbath?
They're this awesome rock band out of Britain. I...
I thought you'd be all over that shit.
Oh, well, I don't really listen to much contemporary music.
Right, because you've got, like,
the whole back catalogue to choose from.
I bet a lot of the best musicians probably end up...
i... in your place.
I'm not at liberty to discuss other clients.
Sure.
But...
Robert Johnson?
Keith Richards? Jimi Hendrix?
They're not gonna go up there, are they?
Jean, why don't you have a seat
and tell me exactly what it is
you want from this arrangement.
Everyone else is partying all the time.
Sex, drugs and rock and roll.
All the dumb bitches
with their cars and their boyfriends
and their apartments and their...
... hairdos.
If they've got all that, why shouldn't I?
Why shouldn't I...
fuck all the hot guys
and live in a huge house and drive a cool car
and look great all the time?
I want to do that.
And I want to tell all the dumb-asses who ever got in my way
or told me no or said I was ugly or fat or square
that they can rot in hell.
I guess that last part is kind of your call, but you know what I mean.
Yes, I think I do.
You're not exactly giving this the hard sell.
Not really trying to close the deal.
That's not the way we do things.
It's very important to me
that this be one hundred percent your decision.
So how does it work exactly?
Well, once you've made your choice
and you're comfortable with it,
I have you sign some papers,
and once I have your signature,
the transaction is complete.
Do I have to sign in blood?
Ink will be fine.
Oh.
Uhh... You might want to read it through first.
Okay, Dad.
At-At least take a look at the... at the last section there.
Item 6.1?
"Service provider shall retain ownership of the client's soul
for a duration which shall have a floor of eternity
and a ceiling of... eternity."
And are you completely comfortable with that?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's cool.
Uh, just forgive my asking, but...
what are your reasons for believing it's "cool"?
Well, I don't really believe in a soul.
Or any of that shit.
It's Christian dogma, I'm not into that.
Well, I would say that, um,
a substantial part of our whole setup...
- is Christian dogma. - Whatever.
You believe what you believe, I'll believe what I believe.
Let's just agree to disagree.
Ju... Ju... Just so we're
crystal clear on this, uh...
ownership of the soul for eternity,
typically, that duration of ownership...
would take place in the underworld.
Specifically, hell.
Souls? Hell?
You're really crackin' me up over here.
OK.
Bring it on.
Fill me up with the cash and the drugs and the big, hard dicks!
Let's do this!
Jean. It's been a long time.
Same shitty motel room.
- So tell me, how have you been? - Great.
Yeah, really great, as a matter of fact.
I'm pleased to hear it.
People are so snobby about worldly pleasures.
Sex, food, drink, drugs,
sports cars, mansions, yachts,
helicopters, jewelry, designer clothes, sex.
- Did I mention sex? - Yes.
May I offer you a drink? I have an excellent single malt.
Leonard, it's great to see you again.
- It's Louis. - But I was just wondering
how long this was going to take.
See, I have a private jet to St. Barts on standby.
Ah. Well, I'm afraid to say
I don't think you're going to make that flight.
What are you talking about?
Well, Jean, today is...
How can I put this without sounding clichéd?
The day of reckoning.
- The what? - Item 6.1.
Per our agreement, the company owns your soul.
And today's the day we... cash it in, so to speak.
Let me put this as simply as possible.
You won't be going to St. Barts tonight.
Instead, you'll be going to hell...
for eternity.
You're not serious.
I'm completely serious.
Well, I'll have my lawyer look through this.
I don't know why this is such a surprise.
You'll recall that before you signed
I did direct you to the appropriate clauses,
- the terms and conditions. - Terms and conditions.
Who reads the goddamn terms and conditions?
I don't know, people who are signing away their immortal souls?
But when I signed this, I didn't even have a lawyer.
This is not worth the paper it's printed on.
Hey. We kept our side of the bargain.
You had 50 great years. You said so yourself.
Now it's time to pay the check.
Nobody likes paying the check,
but unfortunately, the check must be paid.
And the payment is... eternity in hell.
I don't think so.
I get this... every time.
Every damn time.
Is it so much to ask
for someone to actually read the words
that are written in a contract before they sign it?
Apparently, it's the most difficult thing in the world for you people!
Look on the bright side.
You'll have lots and lots of happy memories
to look back on forever!
And when you talk about hell,
what do you mean, exactly?
Hell. The famous hell?
You've seen it in the paintings, the movies?
Is this that ironic version of hell?
Like Homer Simpson and the donuts?
Homer Simpson...
No! There's no donuts. It's not ironic.
There's no irony down there.
This is never-ending torment!
With fire! Lots of fire!
They love fire! They can't get enough of it!
Hell, though, really? Hell?
I mean, with the flames and the naked bodies
and the little red guys with pointy tails?
That's pretty much the size of it, yes.
And heaven is full of clouds?
And angels with halos playing harps?
I've never been myself, but from what I understand,
that's pretty much it.
Well, I'm not buying it.
Would you like to see a preview?
A preview?
Oh, Jesus!
Jesus fucking Christ!
Ohh. Ohh. Ohh.
So as I was saying...
I didn't realize!
I-I didn't realize!
Yeah, I'd like to say that you get used to it eventually,
but I don't think you really ever do.
And that happens for eternity?
- Mm-hmm. - Oh, my God.
Jean...
I know this may look harsh or unfair,
but remember, everyone's down there for a reason.
Either they sold their souls for earthly pleasures like you did,
or they were just... major league assholes.
Well, this is not gonna happen.
Jean, it's what always happens.
Well, not with me.
George, it's Jean.
I have this contra... Hey!
I've watched a thousand lawyers read a thousand contracts
in a thousand different languages,
many of which have since died out.
There's no loophole. You sold your soul.
And you're going to hell. Forever.
The end.
Look, Jean, you had 50 great years.
Some people don't get 50 great minutes!
What are you sighing about?
I'm the one that's going to hell.
Do you know how depressing it is
to send people to ceaseless torment
on a regular basis?
It's a real bummer.
Ohh. I'm so sorry.
Are you getting blisters on your hands
from all the pitchfork-wielding?
- Poor you. - Yeah. You asked for it.
You literally signed up for it.
But you're all stupid, mostly.
You regret it at the end,
and then you come back with cirrhosis of the liver
and a trail of broken relationships.
I don't have either.
And I've had a really, really good time.
I must say it took me a while to get used to it,
but once I got into the swing of it,
I must say I loved it.
Being a hard-headed, hedonistic asshole
really worked for me.
Well, I'm certainly glad you made the most of it.
There was a turning point,
a moment when things really became clear to me.
I was fucking this guy, and fucking with his head,
he was crying and begging,
and I realized that I had a choice.
I could be sympathetic, or I could just not give a shit,
turn my compassion off like a light switch.
And I chose option two.
So I went on fucking him and fucking with him
until I got bored, and then I tossed him away.
I never turned that switch back on.
And I did some terrible things.
That was just the beginning.
I did awful things. Really bad. Terrible.
Really evil.
Oh, boy.
I thought you'd be interested in this,
being the devil and everything.
I'm not the devil, I just work for the devil.
- Oh, so you're a demon? - What?
No! I'm not a demon! Fuck those assholes!
I'm more of an executive assistant to the devil.
- Cool. - Yeah, it was cool...
at first.
But a few millennia on,
and I'm really just so tired of the whole thing,
if I'm honest.
I thought I was cut out for this,
but I have bad dreams.
Horrible dreams. Every night.
All this damnation, it doesn't...
sit well with me.
My digestion is shot to fuck.
I just don't know how much longer
I can keep doing this.
Well, if sending people to hell is making you feel so bad,
I have a suggestion.
- Stop. Just say no. - Take my word for it.
Eternal damnation would be a day at the beach
compared to what he would do to me if I walked out.
Well...
you know, maybe there's an answer...
for both of us.
What?
Well, how about if I took over?
Took over?
I could take over your job as demon...
- I'm not a demon. - ... and then you could retire
and take up waterskiing or whatever.
Think about it. It's a win-win.
I mean, you wouldn't be crucified for leaving your post,
and I would avoid an eternity of torment.
Maybe... it's a possibility.
You would be directly involved
in a vast amount of suffering.
I'm not sure any human being could deal with that.
Well, I'm not your average human being.
I've been in training for this my whole life.
And I feel so connected to your brand... the whole evil thing.
I mean, it's really me.
OK, I get that you're a sociopathic narcissist.
But for something like this,
you'd really need to crank it up
- to the next level. - Bring it on.
Because if you take the job
and then decide you can't handle it,
that would rebound very badly on me.
How about you let me prove myself?
How do you mean?
Dustin! Dustin?
I just got off the phone with the air strip
- and the pilots on standby... - No. Don't worry about that.
Come on in.
This is Louis. Louis, Dustin.
Hi there.
Would you like a drink?
- Oh, no, I'm... - Louis and I
have been discussing a very interesting career opportunity.
- For me. - Okay.
I know how supportive you've been to me in my career,
and I know that you would want me.
to pursue any opportunities that came my way
Uh, yeah, I'd be happy to help in any way that I can.
Wonderful.
Louis and I want to give you an opportunity
to experience something
that millions have argued about for millennia.
Think of it as a reward for your years of service.
Now finish your drink,
and I'm going to start you on your fantastic voyage.
In a moment I'm going to ask you to open the bathroom door.
And when you do, you will be amazed at what you see.
Amazed and astonished.
But first I just want to tell you how pleased I am
to have been working with you over the last two years.
- It's been five, actually... - And I just want to thank you
for your patience and your forbearance.
Okay.
Oh!
What are you doing?!
Do I get the job?
- Well... - Take my Porsche.
Drive it to the airport,
and take the jet to St. Barts.
Take a mansion. Take all my mansions!
Oh, seriously, I am so up for this.
It's empowering! It's exhilarating.
I finally found the job for me!
Uh... let me just ask my supervisor.
- He's okay with it. - Yes!
Oh, boy, um...
Oh. There's a lot of politics, okay?
Everyone's always jockeying for position.
They want to be the boss's best buddy,
they're trying to get in with the guys in the ninth circle.
Just watch your back, that's all I'm saying.
- Good luck! - Thank you! You too!
Oh, who's that?
Shit! It's my next appointment.
No, it's my first appointment!
Oh...
- Hi! Come on in! - Hi.
Oh. I thought there'd only be one of you here.
There is. Me! I'm Jean.
Louis was just about to take off.
Another customer about to be satisfied.
So you're a musician.
Yep, that's why I'm doin' this.
I just wanna be the greatest rock star on the planet, ya know?
Ah. Well, good luck with that.
She doesn't need luck. She has us.
- I don't actually drink. - You don't drink?
No, I'm straight edge. I'm just all about the music.
Well, what's the point of being a musician
if you don't use it to get fucked?
In every sense of the word.
I just love playing,
and I wanna be the best that I can be
and for everyone to hear it.
How incredibly noble.
Beth, right?
- Yeah, sit down for a sec. - Okay.
I have to ask you.
If it's all about the music for you,
why do this?
Why not just practice even harder?
She wants to take the fast track, Louis.
That's what it is. I mean,
why take the stairs when you can take the elevator?
Ah, but the elevator doesn't just go up,
it also goes down.
Beth has made a great effort to come here tonight
and sign a deal.
Now, you and I have already made our deal.
So I think it's only right that you left
so that Beth and I can do ours.
I guess I'm just very ambitious.
And with streaming, it's really hard
to get a major label to back you.
I'm on Bandcamp and SoundCloud and...
I'm just looking for all the help I can get, you know?
Well, what if you approached some of the mini-majors, you know?
Because they can get your stuff...
She wants to take the elevator!
She's been very clear about that.
She's always been a "fuck the stairs" kind of girl.
Now, I'm cool with that, and Beth is cool with that.
The only one apparently not cool with that is you.
And I think it's time now that you fuck off
and let Beth and I start the adventure of a lifetime.
You don't need to worry about reading the boring terms and conditions.
Just sign, and know that we will just be amazed at your talent.
Hey, um, Beth, before you sign that,
I do have to get out of here, but I just have a...
It's kind of a weird favor.
Um, I would love to experience your musical talent firsthand.
So... would you sing me a song?
Which one did you have in mind?
Oh, um, how about "O Christmas Tree"?
Sure. It's... seasonal, I guess.
? O Christmas tree ?
? Thy leaves are so unchanging ?
? Not only green ?
? When summer's here ?
? But also when ?
? 'Tis cold and drear ?
? O Christmas tree ?
? Thy leaves are so unchanging ?
- I mean, she's pretty good. - Don't be a pussy.
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com