CREDITS
_
Skin Deep, by Sloan.
Since the beginning of time,
man has been obsessed with his own image.
And now, with own new body sculpting technique,
that image can be perfected.
- What's the secret you ask? - _
Does it really work?
As you can see, our results speak for themselves.
This is Debbie before the Skin Deep treatment.
And this, is Debbie three days later.
Skin Deep by Sloan helped change my live.
Now, I'm here to help change yours.
A 100% painless, completely natural procedure.
Skin Deep by Sloan is the biggest breakthrough in body management history.
Hi, I'm Dr. Herbert Sloan.
And I promise, you'll have the perfect body that you deserved.
Skin Deep by Sloan, feel the miracle and see the difference.
You're Debbie from the TV!
May I help you?
I'm Henry Quill, I got an email.
Here you are, Mr. Quill.
We want to thank you for being such a loyal customer over the years.
It says here you've been a steady consumer of Dr. Sloan's previous products.
Well, I've eaten my share of his Ginkgo Global Pills.
Which is why Dr. Sloan thinks you'd be perfect to be one
of the first presented with this more effective treatment.
The doctor will be right with you.
My Simmons, you can come on now.
_
Hi.
I'm Henry.
Kelly.
It's kind of mysterious.
It's like we are going to meet the real Dr. Sloan.
I don't care if he is Dr. Sues.
As long as he can make me look like her.
Welcome, everybody.
I'm Herbert Sloan, with the skin deep solution for everybody.
I see what you did there.
Please, come gather around right over here for us.
Ah, don't be shy.
Like magic, Mr. Simmons. It's a new you.
It's impossible. What they do with that guy.
Wow, he's so skinny. That's impossible.
He looks great.
Donuts anyone?
I though this was about losing weight, not gaining it.
It is, but after a sit in with me, you'll never have to diet again.
Hmm, we'll see.
Maybe, just one.
One.
My new procedure will work on you.
And you, and you, and you.
Trust me. You've never seen anything like this.
My success rate is unprecedented, 100%.
Everyone knows, there's no fountain of youth.
But, it doesn't stop us from looking.
Man has been obsessed with his own image since the beginning of time.
And now, that image can be perfected.
_
What is that?!
Since 2012, my team and I have collected 10 specimens
from a water intake reservoir in South America.
To think, I was going to Brazilian rainforest
searching for fat melting berries,
when I discovered something so much more.
Beautiful, isn't it?
From this expedition, we concluded that a high number
of these large female Anguilla forms
were effectively trapped in the reservoir,
unable to complete the breeding migration.
- Anguilla-what? Is it an eel? - In a way.
And you'll be surprised to learn how many species there still are to be discovered on this planet.
We've learned after extensive testing
that it's an advanced form of a leech.
But, with one major distinction.
This one, doesn't drink blood.
Once attached, it secretes a fluid
that completely numbs the patient's skin.
Then the creature painlessly uses its saliva
It eats fat!
All right. To put it simply, Kelly, yes.
It completely liquefies it.
It absorbs excess adipose stored in fat cells.
Nothing else is removed, of course. Just fat.
- Of course. - Think about it.
Diet and exercise are a thing of the past.
Believe me when I tell you, it's indisputable.
Never again in our lifetime will we witness
a truer undiscovered miracle of nature.
Take my money.
Follow me, please.
Henry?
You're not putting that thing on me.
Just hear me out.
No hard sell. This is me to you.
Wh-Why me? You don't even know me.
But I do.
I was you once.
And look at me now.
I've got FDA approval. I've got countless trials.
Look, total transparency.
I've sunk every dime I have into this.
And would I put it all on the line if it wasn't completely safe?
Let me change your life.
And I'm supposed to believe that no one has come across this animal until now?
It's incredibly rare, for starters.
We searched for months. They found 10.
10!
Still, I braved uncharted territory.
And I'll reap the rewards.
But trust me, we all win here.
I'm sorry.
It's too freaky for me.
I really can't do this.
Good luck.
_
Alright, here we go. That will be $10.37.
We'll take the next in line. Sir?
What can I get for you?
Wow, have you been working out. You look great.
And you're up.
Just finished working out.
Look.
So this is where you disappeared to.
Kelly?
Is that you?
- It works. - It has only been two weeks.
And Sloan hired me to be his spokesmodel. Can you believe that?
You look... fantastic.
You really did it?
With the worm and the suck-it?
Totally painless. Just like Sloan said.
A sip here, a sip there.
It's a miracle.
Ohh, and he asked me to help introduce him on AM America tomorrow.
You're gonna be, you're gonna be on the show?
Yeah. I can get you a couple of tickets.
Well...
Just one ticket, right?
There is no plus one for a plus three.
Hey...
why don't you come be our volunteer?
Oh, come on, Henry. Opportunity knocks twice.
Henry.
Everybody's doing it.
- Order number 14. - That's me.
Is there anything I can get you? Water? Some donuts?
No, I had a box.
We are really happy you're here, Henry.
Dr. Sloan is so excited to see your transformation.
- Yeah. - Are you excited?
A little terrified.
So was I when I did it. But it was nothing, really.
- See that man right there? - Yeah.
He owns the station.
He did it, loved it, half the crew liked him.
Wow, all these people. That is incredible.
Final set, we're going live in 3, 2...
Good morning. It's time for...
AM America Live.
Today, we have a big show.
After months of secrecy and speculation,
Dr. Herbert Sloan is here to unveil his top secret
body sculpting technique.
Due to be made available to the public in just four days.
Maybe I should try it on my love handles.
But first, the celestial event on everyone's mind,
the big solar eclipse, happening this morning.
It's being called the next great American Eclipse.
It's so exciting.
And we got our own?? Science expert, Jim Scott.
standing by at the Horlicks Observatory to tell us all about it.
Hey Jim!
Morning Randy and Suzy.
Hope you're not afraid of the dark,
because this may be the most spectacular eclipse of our lifetime.
It estimated to last no longer than 160 seconds.
But during that time, I'm told, this would be seen across the entire United States,
something that hasn't happened for almost a century.
Now, that sounds spooky. Anything to worry about?
Not so much.
But if you have pets, you might want to keep an eye on them.
Sometimes, our furred and feathered friends
get a little jumpy during an eclipse.
Hmm. Now, why is that?
Well, there's been speculation that abnormal animal behavior
results in increase magnetic field flows
during a solar eclipse of this magnitude.
- I don't know what that means! - Me neither.
Thanks Jim. Let us know when it starts to get dark.
Well, and keeping with our science theme,
we would like to welcome Dr. Sloan,
with Skin Deep, by Sloan.
Thank you. It's great to be here.
Now, I understand you're going to be performing this miracle procedure.
right here in this studio, in a matter of minutes.
Randy, I think it's safe to say that
you will be amazed.
Well, we will see right after this message.
Clear! Back in 90, folks.
Thank you.
We'll be right over.
I guess this is it.
You nervous?
You know, all my life,
I've struggle with negative body image.
Diet pills, fat burners, I've tried everything.
And now...
It's one big slurp...
all my problems are going to be gone.
And I can have a dating life.
Trust me. I've been swatting them away like flies.
- Hey, you think when this is all... - Excuse me.
Where is my soon to be body beautiful?
Dr. Sloan.
I never should have doubted you.
- Water under the bridge, my friend. - All right, everyone.
Going live in 3, 2...
Let's check in with another update from Professor Jim Scott.
It's staring to get darker out here. The shadows are...
- Jim? - You okay, Jim?
Buddy?
Guess my own belly doesn't know what time it is.
Still fighting off last night's lasagna.
Well, keep us updated.
- I hope he's okay. - I'm sure he will be fine.
Let's saunter on over to Dr. Sloan,
and witness another miracle of science.
Hey there, Dr. Sloan.
Are you ready to kiss those pounds goodbye?
Shall we?
This is Henry Quill.
- Hi Henry. - Hi America.
And this, is our little wonder worm.
That is one big boy.
A swarm dweller, you say?
That's right.
Our ecosystem would collapse,
if nature hadn't provided us
with an abundance of animals that plays
a significant role in mankind existence.
Ants, termites, bats.
Without bees pollinating the world's food supply, we'll be goners.
And this, is another one of nature's miracles.
Is it always that active?
Probably wants its breakfast.
Ready Henry?
Kelly?
Let's uh, let's check on Jim.
The eclipse seems to have...
- Jimbo? - Jim?
Henry?
Is there something in my eye?
- I can't see anything. - The eclipse seems to have reached its zenit.
We are about at totality.
- It does not look good - It does not.
- Jim... - You okay, Jim? Buddy?
Please help me! Please make it stop!
This can't be like this.
You said it was safe.
But it was safe.
No. No, no, no.
Stop. Stop!
What's happening?!
I promise. This is safe.
This is not normal.
Sloan. Sloan!
You son of a bitch.
- You knew this was going to happen. - Wait, wait, wait.
- You knew! - No.
You were going to make millions
and let people die like that?
- I didn't know. - You greedy bastard.
You didn't care how many people you kill,
as long as you make a profit!
It wasn't like that. I mean...
Oh my god, solar eclipse messes with the magnetic frequencies.
They affect birds and insects, but
who would have guessed leeches acted.
- I never did... they reproduce... - What are you talking about?
We... we're the same, Henry.
Unhappy, desperate, looking in the mirror and
- hating ourselves. - See, that's the wrong attitude.
I was close to 300 pounds.
I was looking for an easy cure,
a fast miracle.... But then...
my team discovered the leech.
You said you tested it, over and over and over.
We did! In every situation imaginable. I just...
We didn't count on the solar eclipse. Who would? My god!
I'm such a fool. I just thought it would suck it all out of us.
I didn't think it would leave anything behind.
Damn it!
My glasses, glasses.
I changed my mind!
No, I'm innocent.
No! No!
No! No no, no no no....
Suck that!
_
Hey there, Laker. This is Jolene Payne,
coming to you live on this foggy Columbus Day weekend.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, boys and girls,
but Parks and Rec just faxed over a water travel ban announcement.
Effectively immediately.
But, we won't let a little fog
ruin our holiday weekend, will we?
So, stick around,
and celebrate with me, Jolene Payne,
on WNGY, The Champ,
Lake Champlain Radio.
How are those dishes coming along there, Joseph?
Good, mama.
Did you know?
April 8th, 1977,
there are 6 sightings at Champlain Lake?
Rose, please.
The temperature of the water was 20 degrees colder than normal that day.
Same as today.
I thought we had an understanding.
We agreed never to bring this up again.
Champy doesn't exist. It's not real.
But mom,
didn't daddy suggest that the foghorn
was Champy yawning before taking a nap?
Okay. Hurry up.
You know how Chet gets when he is in one of his moods.
- What are you doing? - Thomas is coming.
I can't let him see me like this.
Hi, Ms. Philips.
Is Rose home?
Thomas, this might not be a great time.
You better go now, honey.
I'll tell Rose you were here.
_
Well, well, well.
What do we have here?
Something I can help you with stud?
Nah, I was, I was just...
seeing if Rose was...
That's a nice knife.
A Rambo?
The fish hooks and wire saw...
matches the shit in the handle?
None of them matches. I used them already.
You know, it's one thing to have a knife,
it's all another thing to know how to use it.
??
Kill.
Cut those arteries, it's over fast.
Right here...
that's how you make a man suffer.
Twist it right in there.
Oh yeah.
He'll bleed out real slow.
I saw it myself.
I killed?? Once.
That's right.
There's only one rooster at this end of the house.
Get your ass and go.
And Rambo?
Stay away from Rose.
Meatloaf is on the table.
Beer.
It's cold.
Is there anything more disgusting than cold meatloaf?
Why don't you pour me a can of Alpo.
I'm sorry. I thought you'll be in earlier.
Yeah, well. I was out there all day
trying to find work to support this family.
You were out at a?? Rally drinking.
- Rose. - That's what you were doing.
Give it back!
Oh, Rose.
You know how much this upsets your mother.
You know this is the nonsense that killed your dad, right?
Trash.
Right where it belongs. Sit down.
You didn't have to do that.
You know what?
Fuck this.
I was just trying to help.
Shit.
I'll go work on my fucking truck.
Why did you put up with him, Mom?
After your father died...
he made sure we were okay.
No, mom.
He just took advantage of you.
Can't you see that?
He only started coming around when daddy's insurance's paid up.
I'm surprised he's still here,
now that the money is gone.
Joseph, please go outside and play.
_
Your dad...
Your dad came home one day spouting off
about that thing in the lake.
He spent his life chasing it.
Everyone in town thought he was crazy.
He spent all his time and our money.
For what?
He forgot about us, Rose.
He forgot about you.
And where did it get him.
At the bottom of the lake.
You know...
Dad didn't care if the whole town believed him or not.
He went out there every night because he just wanted you to believe.
Rose!
Rose.
Rose, is everything okay?
Rose!
Rose, wait up!
Just leave me alone.
Rose!
Rose.
Rose, you're bleeding.
Where the hell did that come from?
That's weird.
- I don't know... - Rose!
What is that?
Weird.
- Rose? - What?
What's the matter?
Oh my god.
Rose, what?
What is that?
It...
It looks like some sort of
messed up whale.
That's no whale.
He was right.
Who was right?
My dad. He was right, all along.
Look, it's her.
You see?
It's really Champ.
No, no, Rose.
Champy was just...
made up to sell T-shirts.
It's smaller than my dad thought,
but it's definitely Champ.
Is it sleeping?
No.
I think she's dead, Joey.
I think she is some sort of dinosaur.
A real dinosaur?
I think this is what killed the poor thing.
Come here. It's okay.
Look.
This is Champy. This is what dad was looking for.
- All of those years. - Holy shit.
Rose, you know what this means, right?
You're going to be famous.
No.
My dad found her first.
I want everyone to know that.
We just came along. I want him to get the credit for this.
Go and get mom, okay?
Follow the edge of the water until you get to the path, and hurry.
People have been looking for Champy for decades.
They never found a single thing.
I need to document this.
Dad would have.
Smile.
Mama, mama, we found Champy!
Come quickly!
Rambo.
One morning, my dad goes fishing
ignoring all the fog warnings.
Doesn't come home.
Mom calls the cops.
They can't do damn anything.
Next morning, when the mist finally breaks,
I find him.
Washed up on the beach, unconscious.
When he finally comes to, he...
looks at us like...
like we're strangers. Doesn't say anything for days.
Then one night at dinner,
he says his first word.
What was that?
Champ.
He says Champy is real.
He tells mom.
They argue.
She begs him not to say things that
people will beginning to think he is crazy.
He loses everything.
He goes out, night after night, looking
and searching.
Until one morning...
he's washed up on the beach again.
Only this time...
I'm sorry.
Stay here.
Got a really dumb idea.
Can I look now?
Not yet.
Better hurry.
Thomas.
- What? - It's for your father.
Now, nobody can take credit for this.
It's great.
Take a picture. We'll...
get your dad's name in the National Geographic or something.
Say cheese, Champ.
Chet?
What the fuck?
What are you doing down here?
Holy shit.
- Stay away from it. - Would you look at this.
Get away.
Guess you daddy wasn't out of his mind after all.
Bless his heart.
All those years, all those money spent,
looking for this disgusting thing.
It's too bad he didn't pack his snorkel.
But I bet he is looking down right now from heaven.
Glad as all hell Chet's gonna finish the job.
What are you talking about?
We found it, not you. My dad's gonna get the credit for this.
Girl, your daddy is dead.
I don't see how that's actually gonna happen.
As far as I'm concern, this is my ticket.
I've put up with enough shit from you dumb-ass mom and you idiot kids.
This thing...
is going to make me rich,
while people will pay through the teeth to see it.
To see what I discovered.
- Oh, ain't that sweet. - Give it back.
- But, it's got to go. - No.
No, you should stop.
- You watch your step, boy. - No, stop.
Rose found that, not you.
You better shut you pie-hole before I skin you too.
Come on.
I'll cut your head square off that neck.
Chet stop. Leave him alone.
Oh, you want a fight?
Is that it?
Why don't we make it interesting?
Thomas.
Come on.
Pick it up, Rambo.
Don't do it, Thomas.
Don't play his game.
Thomas, please don't.
Watch out!
Now, I'm gonna lay out some hurt.
There's a dinosaur.
- What? - Daddy was right.
- What are you taking about? - I saw it, mama.
- Where are Thomas and Rose? - Over there.
Chet...
Rose... Okay, come on.
You bit me.
You fucking bit me, you little bitch.
You two little shits are in for it now.
- Run Rose, go. - I'm not leaving you.
Oh yeah?
I am going to curve you up so small,
fish are going to have a feast.
- Rose, come on. - Wait.
No, no wait.
Rose, don't.
But no one will ever believe us now.
Rose! Thomas!
What happened?
Joey was making any sense, then I heard Chet screamed.
Champ was here.
Dad was right.
It was her, and we all saw her.
Champ, the lake monster?
Yeah.
Dad was right. She does exist.
- She was right here, mama. - Ms. Philips, she, she was here.
Chet was coming after me and Thomas with a knife,
and, and she saved us.
- There's nothing here, Rose. - She was here, mama.
- We saw her. - Dad was right.
- Ms. Philips, she was here. - Where'd Champ go, Rose?
Don't you believe us?
Mom?
Maybe your dad wasn't as crazy as everyone thought he was, huh?
Come on.
Let's go home.
_
Unofficial subtitles, by: manybuddies.