_
Passenger information.
If you see anything suspicious, or something that doesn't look right,
please report it to a member of staff or a police officer immediately.
Mate, what happened?
Gav says he saw you at the station, but you weren't on the train.
No, that definitely wasn't me.
I got caught up at work, but I'm on the next one out.
Passenger announcement.
The 16:17 from London Euston
has been delayed by approximately 15 minutes.
What was that? I heard that on your phone and here.
Yeah, train announcements sync now.
Simultaneous, everywhere in the world. It's unbelievable.
Seriously?
Whoa. We are living in the future, man, I'm telling you.
'World of miracles.'
But it sounds like I'm delayed half an hour.
- Gutted. - Fam, you missed a classic journey.
Ciaran downed a wine glass of Sambuca,
threw up on a train guard, it went in his beard.
- The guy was fuming. - Sounds amazing.
I'll catch you guys up at the hotel. Or the restaurant, at the latest.
Or the club.
Fine. But you better be wearing antlers and drinking right about now.
I definitely am.
Gotta go. Ciaran's humping a baggage trolley.
Oi, see you in a sec. Ciaran, not again...
_
Seriously, just let it go.
Shower's not working.
- We have a shower? - That's not working.
We can't turn the hot water on, it'll eat three days off.
I have blood in my hair that isn't mine.
And a bit of ear!
It's true, you're disgusting.
And we need fuel more than you need your bounce and shine.
What I need is a bath.
Isn't that... Isn't that our hotel from last night?
- Back where we started. - We've gotta check on the guys.
No, no, come on, we can't stop now, we're making progress.
That's where we got on this boat, we've made literally no progress.
Come on, Kat, please?
Our friends might be in there.
This is the world's shittest Groundhog Day.
Subtitles by explosiveskull Sync and corrections: minouhse
Hope Gav's okay, wedding's next weekend.
Gav's probably been eaten by now.
By which I mean I'm sure he is fine.
Although I think you should at least accept the wedding's off.
We got out. I'm sure they're fine.
I'm not leaving without making sure.
We don't know what's in there,
could be five stags, could be 500 zombies.
We could die in there.
Which is why this has to be a precision strike.
We are straight in, straight out, mission focused.
- You're coming? - Yes, I'm coming.
With you two blundering on your own, we'll never leave.
Plus, bit of scavenging.
Think they'll have shampoo?
No time for showers, you stay and guard the boat.
Who made you Queen?
Well, do you want to go look for their drunk mates?
God, no. You crack on.
- I want constant vigilance. - I've got tons of vigilance.
Please don't have a shower.
I was absolutely not thinking that.
Well, go on, then, I'm perfectly capable of looking after a boat.
Okay, thank you.
- I'm not sure this is a great idea. - Hey! Gav might be in there.
And what about the others? Chris? Ciaran? Sexy Mo?
Oh, come on, man, if it was me in there, what would you do?
I don't know. Drop you a text when I got back to London.
Mate, they're just there!
Fine!
It's okay. I got you.
If we're not back in two hours...
just wait longer.
- Why not? - Because it's a classic,
the doors'll ping open and a zombie'll be inside.
- We shouldn't be here. - Relax. It's deserted.
Yeah, nothing bad ever happens in a deserted hotel.
Let's try the stairs.
Stairs are for chase sequences, not deaths.
You're way too into this.
No, I'm not, it's just a side quest,
rescuing a princess in a tower.
- Well, you've clearly not met Ciaran. - Oh, come on, man, he'd do it for us.
No, he absolutely wouldn't. He'd pay someone else to do it,
then drink a six pack of fruit cider because he'd earned it.
Can you please slag off your friends more quietly?
Come on!
Sorry, Kat.
Fuck it.
Gav's room's on the first floor.
Chris!
- Not Chris! - Come on!
- How is he using stairs? - Poor man. Poor guy.
- Friend of yours? - Gav's cousin.
- Why is he dressed like Elton John? - It was fancy dress.
- Who were you? - Deadpool and Aquaman.
- Guess who had his shirt off. - And a Trident.
Inflatable Trident.
You realise your stag do confused Marvel and DC Universe?
It was a constant worry.
This is it! Gav, open up!
They're not here. They're somewhere safe. Unlike us.
Open up!
Coming on this weekend was the worst decision of my life.
- It was a laugh. - It was shit.
- And you were a nightmare. - I made it fun.
Not that you'd remember any of it! I was making experiences!
Mission accomplished on that front.
- Donald Trump. - Zombie?
Not zombie! Close it, close it, close it!
- Ciaran. - Cocoa!
- Cocoa? - Cocoa butter.
Because of his beautiful golden skin.
Honestly, I think he's dyed it himself.
I can't believe we were rescued by Donald Trump.
You came back for me.
- Can we just... - Hi, Sunny.
Riots?
You can't cover up the end of the world, you lying bastards!
You know what, this is Aliens
and they are the Weyland-Yutani Corporation.
Who are you?
In this analogy, I'm Sigourney fucking Weaver.
Anyone fancy a drink?
Bingo.
Oh, mate.
Chris.
- I'm so sorry. - To Chris.
To Chris.
World's gone mental. Can't believe he's gone.
Guy was a ledge.
We lost our virginity together, man.
You...
How did that work?
Long story.
- Chris, man, I love that guy. - Clearly.
I'm just so glad you're here. We have got to get out of Birmingham.
- What happened? - The stripper, the one you ordered.
- The burlesque dancer. - If you like.
- I've got a plan. - You booked a burlesque dancer?
I booked a 21st-century stag do.
Sexy female empowerment.
- She was empowered, she bit Chris. - I've got a plan.
- She bit Chris? - And the rest.
She went crazy, you'd disappeared.
It was like being attacked by a sexy cannibal.
- Good booking. - Excuse me.
We are currently trapped in a room by zombie Elton John and the windows don't open.
There are more pressing matters than what happened at your little fancy dress party.
Now... I've got a plan.
Who are you again?
Oh, for fuck's sake!
- So what we doing? - Have you ever played the game Portal?
Ever seen the film The Raid?
No.
Well, then, this is gonna be a whole new experience.
- Amar loves experiences. - You can't blame me
for trying to make Gav's stag do memorable.
- What happened to Gav? - Don't know.
We got the stripper from reception, she went mental on the way to the roof.
- Roof? - Yeah, where we tied up Gav.
Classic stag experience.
You left a stag tied to the roof in a zombie apocalypse?
No, these guys untied him.
No. We were getting the stripper.
He's still on the roof?
You know what?
That's right there, that's an experience.
Oh, my God! We've gotta get him!
Thank God for carpet tiles.
Yes. Level reward.
Did you just say level reward?
No.
So you're not getting way into this and treating it like a game?
No.
How did you get away?
- I didn't run. - Which is called hiding.
I'm not bailing, something you'd know nothing about.
What does that mean? Least I was there for the fireworks.
- You'd gone to bed. - I wasn't up for a big weekend.
That's why you drank so much, you got chucked out the club?
It was food poisoning. Those tortillas were dodgy.
What was dodgy was telling the DJ you'd fight him if he didn't put on some Coldplay.
Boys, let's focus.
We need to end this mission and get back to the boat.
Hey, ladies!
Who wants an Argos necklace?
It's my 21st all over again.
Stay back, I got this.
- Excuse me? - I did Duke of Edinburgh.
- I'll take point. - You were right, he is a bellend.
He's really not that bad, once you get to know him.
Oh, you bellend!
- Get away! - Get off me, you dicks!
What did I say?
Oh, God. Mo. Why did it have to be Sexy Mo?
- Who is he? - Feckin' arrogant, egotistical mingebag.
- No, no, who is he? - Oh, Cristiano Ronaldo, I think.
Is there anyone you do like?
No.
- Minibus. - So definitely no game, then?
Never was the brightest spark.
- We should rush him. - Push him in!
No. No more experiences.
You're pissed. You're not thinking straight.
Says the man who cost me a 50 quid soiling fee.
- Soiling fee? - In the Uber.
- I threw up in the Uber? - If you like.
Let's just say there's a reason it's called a soiling fee.
Oh, God.
- What you doing? - Winning.
Coming?
Power up.
How did I get to bed?
Well, first, you threw up on the reception desk.
Then on your bed. Then on me when I put you to bed.
And I made you miss the burlesque dancer?
Which, in hindsight, was a result.
Gav!
- Gav! - I've got you, mate!
Gav! Hey, mate.
Okay, I give up, who's he supposed to be?
Emma Watson.
- He's a big Potter fan. - Ciaran?
- Sonny, Cocoa! - Hello, mate!
How long have I been up here?
I'm gonna be late for my wedding rehearsal. Kim's gonna blow her lid!
You know what, I think she'll understand.
It's been kind of a weird day for everyone.
She's... It's the stripper!
That doesn't look very burlesque.
No, no! Get away!
- Why is she coming after me?! - Cos you booked her!
Why is she so angry?!
- Did you pay her? - 500 quid!
- What were you expecting her to do? - Burlesque stuff!
You have no idea what burlesque is, do you?
I'm pretty sure it's not this!
Actually, it's not a million miles away.
Help!
Rip her!
Oh, shit.
You okay?
What the fuck?!
I'm covered in fucking blood!
Yeah, she's okay.
You're welcome, Princess.
Oh, mate.
You threw her off a roof!
What, ye... Let me explain.
Seriously?
Who the hell are they?
What, I didn't book them.
Kat?
Maybe one at a time, but game over, sorry.
No, I'm sorry I dragged you up here.
I'm sorry I was a dick last night.
I'm sorry I hid in the room.
I was scared.
Does somebody want to tell me what the fuck is going on?!
Move the boat out of the way!
- What? - Move the boat, we're jumping!
- You guys ever tombstoned? - No!
Here's your chance.
- No! - I can't jump that!
Jump or get eaten.
Is this part of the stag?
Like a zombie experience, yeah?
- Nice playing with you. - You too.
Come on!
Stop!
No more experiences!
Cheat code.
Come on!
Hey.
Got the stairs.
They didn't want to come?
For some reason, they thought escaping the apocalypse
in a narrow boat sounded ridiculous.
- They're trying the M42. - I explained about roads, but...
- Thanks, guys! - See you, fellas!
- Fuckin' narrowboat. - I know.
- Are you sad to split up? - Gav's wedding's in Manchester.
- He still thinks he can make it. - Right.
Plus, you know, Ciaran's a dick.
Everything all right on the boat while we were...
Yeah, yeah, all good.
Yeah, I'm really sorry about the...
that.
- Good job you didn't have a shower. - Ha! Yeah.
I really do appreciate it, Jo.
It's fine. We're a team.
Sometimes you have to make a sacrifice for the common good.
The hot water's working!
Subtitles by explosiveskull Sync and corrections: minouhse