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Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com

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It's bigger than I thought.

3
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This is nice. This is nice.
This is fuckin' nice.

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This is nice.

5
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Oh, man.

6
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- G-Bo.
- Yeah?

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How ya doin', Pop?

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Oh, man.

9
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Now we're in room 104.

10
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- What a trip.
- Great set.

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What a trip.

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_

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_

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Oh, look at this. This is good
stuff here too. Look at this, G-Bo.

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Oh, my God.
They got all kinds of stuff over here.

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There's a lot of
dynamics with this room.

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_

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_

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Oh, G-Bo! Look at this. Look at this.

20
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- Yeah, that's good.
- Perfect.

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- It's got like a canvas texture to it.
- Perfect.

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If you had told me a year ago,

23
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where we were and where we are,

24
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that this is the deal,
I would've never believed it.

25
00:02:04,562 --> 00:02:06,959
- Okay, so I have a thought.
- What?

26
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I think if we flip these babies around

27
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and throw... get our paint on 'em,
they're gonna dry,

28
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and then we can flip 'em back around

29
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and put our... our strings on
while they're kinda drying.

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'Cause at some point I'm
gonna put it on the wall.

31
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Okay.

32
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These are nice and
light, this is perfect.

33
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- The box springs are light.
- They're like a canvas,

34
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so the objective is to
use the box springs

35
00:02:29,499 --> 00:02:31,793
so we have two separate pieces...

36
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Gianni Arone, Jimmy Ray Flynn...

37
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And then everything
else is up for grabs.

38
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Yeah, nice.

39
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Uh, you're not gonna hit the edges?

40
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I'm just going...

41
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- Hit those edges.
- You hit those edges.

42
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- Okay.
- I didn't mean it for real.

43
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Hey.

44
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What? You said I could hit the edges.

45
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- No, leave it.
- No, baby, come on.

46
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- They gotta have the balance.
- No, they don't.

47
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- No, you don't.
- Just let me finish it.

48
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All right.

49
00:03:12,399 --> 00:03:13,744
Yeah, I'm gonna have to
wait till this dries.

50
00:03:13,768 --> 00:03:15,344
Yeah, it's gotta dry a little bit.

51
00:03:15,369 --> 00:03:16,719
Do you wanna do like...

52
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a lamp, or you want
to do something else?

53
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Because I'm gonna be
doing some collage stuff.

54
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_

55
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I'm not an artist
who is formally trained,

56
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like... and who is doing oils

57
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and, like, rendering lifelike drawings.

58
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I just like makin'.

59
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Looks good.

60
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Did I spell "experiencing" right? Dad?

61
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Oh, shit.
Is this, like, a spelling thing?

62
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- I don't know.
- "Experien..."

63
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Can't tell. I can't remember.

64
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Spelling's not my thing.

65
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I think so. Jimi Hendrix Experience.

66
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Let's see...

67
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- I don't know.
- Yeah, it's fine.

68
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I work fast and in the moment,

69
00:04:03,059 --> 00:04:05,103
I stay in the process.

70
00:04:07,420 --> 00:04:09,666
I like that.
I like when you do that shit.

71
00:04:09,943 --> 00:04:11,017
That's, like, my favorite,

72
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when you start spoofing on heads.

73
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I just like getting into it,

74
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and I love installations.

75
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So to be able to use the
parameters of the room...

76
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because it's an installation.

77
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I like that. That's great.
We gotta chop that wall up.

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That's a piece.

79
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I am his biggest fan. I'm his number...

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I love a lot of artists,
but he's... he's the best.

81
00:04:36,381 --> 00:04:38,628
Gianni, you picked out
some really good things.

82
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This is great. It's got tape on it, too.

83
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Yeah, that's the one I liked.

84
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- You keep this one.
- No, use it.

85
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,260
- Keep it.
- Use it.

86
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:46,285
Okay.

87
00:04:47,158 --> 00:04:48,754
He kinda like inspired me.

88
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We had talked about
collaborating for a long time,

89
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but there's something
that happened this year

90
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with Gianni dealing with his...

91
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I call it "mental wellness,"

92
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that allowed it to flow

93
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in a way that didn't feel forced.

94
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I said, "Hey, man, you wanna do this?"

95
00:05:04,272 --> 00:05:06,707
"Yeah, let's do it."
We started doing it.

96
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I like this, G-Bo.

97
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I like the two ones.

98
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- Yeah?
- Yeah.

99
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I like it.

100
00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:18,816
This is like my favorite material.

101
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Yeah.

102
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Can you get out of that
light for a second, please?

103
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Yeah, you.

104
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Tell me that doesn't look fucking cool.

105
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Yeah.

106
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I know a lot of my friends

107
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have fractured relationships
with their dads.

108
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My buddies.

109
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Say, "Hi, Mom."

110
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As a little kid, I just
remember a present father.

111
00:06:03,904 --> 00:06:07,968
He just created, like,
a nurturing environment for creativity.

112
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I mean... He would put on, like,
Tracy Chapman and music

113
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and we would get pots and
pans and play the drums.

114
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All right. Happy birthday.
I'm gonna go now.

115
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I want you to give me a kiss.

116
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And he's grown into my best friend.

117
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It wasn't always like that.

118
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Ahh, yeah,

119
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it really didn't start to
happen until the friggin'...

120
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Started with the drugs and alcohol.

121
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I mean, that's when it just
became a whole 'nother animal.

122
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That's when it started to be
this clear kind of... uh-oh.

123
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You gotta be careful with
the spray paint, though.

124
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- I know.
- All right.

125
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Yeah, it was shortly after high school

126
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when I just opened up
to something and I just

127
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... went in. I mean,

128
00:06:59,204 --> 00:07:02,314
you go from smokin'
weed after high school

129
00:07:02,339 --> 00:07:04,139
to next year doin' meth,

130
00:07:04,164 --> 00:07:06,234
- like smokin' crystal meth,
- Ohh.

131
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:07,945
- Which is just like a...
- The fuckin' worst.

132
00:07:07,969 --> 00:07:10,522
Which is like a epidemic of a drug,

133
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and took me to places I
thought I'd never go to

134
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emotionally, physically,

135
00:07:16,977 --> 00:07:19,189
mentally, spiritually, psychologically.

136
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It'll steal your friggin' soul.
I don't give a shit,

137
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I hear him say the word "meth,"

138
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and I get like,
"I'm goin' to another place now,"

139
00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:28,282
'cause I just... it's, like, evil.

140
00:07:30,170 --> 00:07:32,510
Not only did I do meth, but I did LSD,

141
00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:34,153
I did mushrooms, I smoked weed.

142
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I smoked heroin once.

143
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I went down the pipeline of, just like,

144
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"What does it do? How does it affect me?

145
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Let's try it."

146
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I was microdosing LSD for,
like, a year straight.

147
00:07:45,905 --> 00:07:50,236
And, like, that has a huge
effect on your brain chemistry,

148
00:07:50,261 --> 00:07:53,506
and I started hearing voices.

149
00:08:00,741 --> 00:08:04,042
I'm gonna start my collaging.
I'm gonna collage over here.

150
00:08:04,674 --> 00:08:06,397
I'm gonna work over here.

151
00:08:06,995 --> 00:08:08,675
You know, it's interesting
we're doing this now,

152
00:08:08,699 --> 00:08:11,535
we're literally coming up
on the year anniversary.

153
00:08:13,975 --> 00:08:15,827
Let me just back it up a second.

154
00:08:17,022 --> 00:08:18,381
Make a little wish, okay?

155
00:08:18,405 --> 00:08:21,091
The night Gianni was born,
I remember him coming out

156
00:08:21,116 --> 00:08:23,412
and watching the life
come into his body.

157
00:08:23,437 --> 00:08:25,756
He just looked at me. It was surreal.

158
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Cut to December fifth...

159
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of last year.

160
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He came to my house,

161
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in a full-blown psychotic episode.

162
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I didn't know who the fuck he was.

163
00:08:46,303 --> 00:08:48,247
We had this thing
literally in the backyard,

164
00:08:48,272 --> 00:08:50,381
we were sitting there, we were
talking across from each other,

165
00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:52,262
and he was like in a full-blown episode.

166
00:08:52,287 --> 00:08:53,677
At one point he said to me,

167
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hHe said, "Don't worry,
I'm not gonna kill you."

168
00:08:55,117 --> 00:08:58,054
And I thought, "Is this motherfucker
thinkin' about killin' me?"

169
00:08:58,545 --> 00:09:00,290
And I was petrified.

170
00:09:00,998 --> 00:09:02,912
I said, "Gianni, I'm gonna go in
the house and get some water."

171
00:09:02,936 --> 00:09:04,739
I went in the house
and I called the cops.

172
00:09:04,764 --> 00:09:07,248
And I said, "You gotta come
and get my son."

173
00:09:09,319 --> 00:09:10,445
Ahh...

174
00:09:11,206 --> 00:09:13,419
All I know is, it was like

175
00:09:13,444 --> 00:09:16,225
the hardest thing I've
ever had to do in my life.

176
00:09:21,444 --> 00:09:24,723
The cops come, Gianni got in the car

177
00:09:24,748 --> 00:09:26,342
and, you know, they took him

178
00:09:26,367 --> 00:09:28,192
to the fucking psych unit and shit,

179
00:09:28,217 --> 00:09:30,606
and we went there, first night I go in,

180
00:09:30,631 --> 00:09:32,934
he's like fuckin' doing cartwheels

181
00:09:32,959 --> 00:09:34,114
or backflips in the thing,

182
00:09:34,139 --> 00:09:35,287
he's head-butting me,

183
00:09:35,312 --> 00:09:37,552
he's really angry, really agitated.

184
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,325
And then we found out

185
00:09:39,350 --> 00:09:41,681
that he's got a dual diagnosis.

186
00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:45,833
Couple that with the addiction...
It's a mental illness.

187
00:09:45,858 --> 00:09:48,819
So now you're dealing with
a whole 'nother thing.

188
00:09:50,787 --> 00:09:52,983
- How ya doin', G?
- Eh.

189
00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:55,608
Yeah, it's...

190
00:09:56,569 --> 00:09:58,787
- It's all over the place.
- Yeah.

191
00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:01,851
All right, well, it's your thing, baby.

192
00:10:10,881 --> 00:10:12,013
Let's put a whole series together...

193
00:10:12,037 --> 00:10:15,122
I've been diagnosed bipolar I and II,

194
00:10:15,147 --> 00:10:16,833
schizoaffective, schizophrenic.

195
00:10:16,858 --> 00:10:20,395
I don't know if my mental illness
was caused from my drug use...

196
00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:22,145
Is it chemically induced mental illness,

197
00:10:22,170 --> 00:10:24,030
or is actually something
that's biological?

198
00:10:24,055 --> 00:10:25,928
Or something that onset later?

199
00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:28,920
They would diagnose me,

200
00:10:28,945 --> 00:10:30,584
and I'd do the meds for a little bit,

201
00:10:30,609 --> 00:10:33,725
then I'd take myself off
'em because I was just like,

202
00:10:33,897 --> 00:10:36,153
I'm an alcoholic and I'm an addict,

203
00:10:36,178 --> 00:10:37,614
and I like feeling high,

204
00:10:37,639 --> 00:10:40,829
and when I'm unmedicated
and I go into mania,

205
00:10:40,854 --> 00:10:42,564
I feel high from that.

206
00:10:45,678 --> 00:10:47,262
I like feeling a little off,

207
00:10:47,287 --> 00:10:48,565
I like feeling a little weird,

208
00:10:48,590 --> 00:10:50,942
I like feeling a little askew

209
00:10:50,967 --> 00:10:54,195
and not totally bolted to the ground.

210
00:10:57,486 --> 00:10:59,176
Can you throw me one of
those rags real quick?

211
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,368
Like the big hand?

212
00:11:02,389 --> 00:11:04,622
It's a little too big
for my taste, but...

213
00:11:04,909 --> 00:11:06,850
Can you throw me one
of those rags, please?

214
00:11:08,623 --> 00:11:10,662
Maybe it is too big of a hand.

215
00:11:13,014 --> 00:11:14,959
Wanna have a seat? Wanna sit down?

216
00:11:15,518 --> 00:11:17,695
- G-Bo.
- Yeah.

217
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,131
Wanna sit down?

218
00:11:23,359 --> 00:11:25,412
I don't like it at all right now.

219
00:11:26,905 --> 00:11:29,372
There's no question in my
mind you're gonna get there.

220
00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:31,973
No, I know, I'm not worried
about getting there.

221
00:11:31,998 --> 00:11:35,220
You jumped in,
the paint was still wet...

222
00:11:36,045 --> 00:11:38,428
- You know what I mean?
- Looks like a big chicken.

223
00:11:38,780 --> 00:11:40,270
I don't see a chicken at all.

224
00:11:40,295 --> 00:11:41,993
I just see like a fuckin'...

225
00:11:42,643 --> 00:11:44,554
- A blob.
- I don't see a blob,

226
00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:47,655
I just see a very
exaggerated, grotesque...

227
00:11:48,585 --> 00:11:50,622
If I were you, one of
the things I would do is,

228
00:11:50,647 --> 00:11:52,319
I would hit your canvas,

229
00:11:52,344 --> 00:11:55,153
so there's kind of
a little bit more white to it,

230
00:11:55,178 --> 00:11:58,092
and then as you go over it,
the other things will pop out.

231
00:11:58,561 --> 00:12:00,280
- Yeah, I agree.
- Right?

232
00:12:00,305 --> 00:12:01,952
So just like, hit it again.

233
00:12:05,550 --> 00:12:07,725
What are you doin'?
Why don't you hit it with the roller?

234
00:12:07,749 --> 00:12:08,989
'Cause I don't like the roller.

235
00:12:09,014 --> 00:12:13,149
Ohh, Gianni, the paint's
gonna take forever to dry.

236
00:12:13,887 --> 00:12:15,102
Ohh.

237
00:12:16,399 --> 00:12:18,905
He's not fuckin' listenin' to me.

238
00:12:21,524 --> 00:12:22,885
The way you're doing that,
man, it's gonna take

239
00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:24,688
a long time to dry.

240
00:12:27,953 --> 00:12:30,094
These are lessons that
I was supposed to learn

241
00:12:30,119 --> 00:12:32,454
about, like, backin' off,

242
00:12:32,759 --> 00:12:34,789
not micromanaging.

243
00:12:36,996 --> 00:12:38,316
Yeah, man, I would just hit that.

244
00:12:38,341 --> 00:12:39,842
Hit the edge too.

245
00:12:41,070 --> 00:12:42,609
Yeah, there you go, brother.

246
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,807
Yeah, man, that's much better.

247
00:12:49,598 --> 00:12:52,467
For me, being born into a human body

248
00:12:52,492 --> 00:12:55,291
on planet Earth didn't make sense to me.

249
00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:57,827
I'm like, what am I... what is this?

250
00:12:57,852 --> 00:13:01,155
What's this night/day,
love/hate, good/bad,

251
00:13:01,180 --> 00:13:03,772
all this polarity, all this separation?

252
00:13:03,797 --> 00:13:06,891
This doesn't make sense to my
inherent nature and my inherent being

253
00:13:06,916 --> 00:13:09,195
of oneness and completeness and, like,

254
00:13:09,220 --> 00:13:10,741
a unified whole.

255
00:13:10,766 --> 00:13:13,643
I feel fractured and separated
and alone and weird,

256
00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:18,014
and I've always been fascinated
with the moment of death,

257
00:13:18,039 --> 00:13:21,211
and so I...

258
00:13:21,236 --> 00:13:24,499
wanted to meet death a
couple times on my own sword.

259
00:13:24,922 --> 00:13:27,287
Maybe I'll just do a big horse on it.

260
00:13:32,391 --> 00:13:34,039
For me, I had...

261
00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:37,561
two attempts on my life,

262
00:13:37,586 --> 00:13:40,062
one was when I was younger,

263
00:13:40,087 --> 00:13:43,234
and then the last one
was more intentional.

264
00:13:43,445 --> 00:13:44,653
Gonna wait for it to dry.

265
00:13:44,678 --> 00:13:47,389
I had an episode that
I can only describe

266
00:13:47,414 --> 00:13:50,234
as losing the letters and the numbers.

267
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:53,038
I couldn't articulate myself,
and therefore,

268
00:13:53,063 --> 00:13:54,459
when I came out of the psychosis

269
00:13:54,484 --> 00:13:56,311
I couldn't relate to anyone.

270
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,975
And I created this rig,

271
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,632
and I was about to turn on the switch,

272
00:14:01,657 --> 00:14:03,087
and then there was a knock on my door,

273
00:14:03,111 --> 00:14:07,071
and my ex-girlfriend Sunshine
knocked on... opened the door

274
00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:09,641
and saved my life, called my dad.

275
00:14:10,867 --> 00:14:12,780
As he's telling you he's whatever,

276
00:14:12,805 --> 00:14:14,395
I have to respect what he's saying,

277
00:14:14,420 --> 00:14:15,754
'cause it's real for him.

278
00:14:15,897 --> 00:14:19,057
There was a point when he was either

279
00:14:19,082 --> 00:14:21,127
in the hospital or just getting out,

280
00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:23,671
I said, "You know something?
I will talk to you,

281
00:14:23,695 --> 00:14:25,681
- but I won't talk to your psychosis."
- Right.

282
00:14:26,056 --> 00:14:28,697
So for him to tell you this story,

283
00:14:28,722 --> 00:14:31,012
and for me to listen to it, whatever,

284
00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:32,500
I have to remind myself

285
00:14:32,525 --> 00:14:34,109
they're very real for him.

286
00:14:34,134 --> 00:14:36,570
I don't relate to it, you know?

287
00:14:36,595 --> 00:14:37,938
I mean, I don't fuckin' relate to it,

288
00:14:37,962 --> 00:14:40,322
but it's real for him,
so I gotta respect it.

289
00:14:40,767 --> 00:14:42,041
Yeah. Well.

290
00:14:42,205 --> 00:14:44,275
- A horse.
- Yeah.

291
00:14:47,812 --> 00:14:52,008
Yeah, today I want to live, like, uh,

292
00:14:52,033 --> 00:14:53,826
when I had those suicide attempts,

293
00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:55,291
I didn't feel like...

294
00:14:56,002 --> 00:14:58,594
this life that I'm living
today was possible

295
00:14:58,619 --> 00:15:01,508
or even on my radar,
so more will be revealed

296
00:15:01,533 --> 00:15:03,053
if you stick around.

297
00:15:03,478 --> 00:15:06,005
_

298
00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:08,736
Today, like, I like peace of mind.

299
00:15:09,642 --> 00:15:11,750
For the most part if someone
asks me how I'm doing,

300
00:15:11,775 --> 00:15:14,013
it's like, not too high, not too low,

301
00:15:14,038 --> 00:15:17,437
not a lot going on upstairs,
it's just quiet.

302
00:15:17,462 --> 00:15:19,378
This is the first time in my
life I've felt like that,

303
00:15:19,402 --> 00:15:21,740
but it's two components:

304
00:15:21,765 --> 00:15:24,393
being sober and being med-compliant.

305
00:15:24,702 --> 00:15:27,204
You got so much friggin' paint on it.

306
00:15:27,229 --> 00:15:29,507
You got a ton of paint on this, Gianni.

307
00:15:29,532 --> 00:15:31,708
- Yeah.
- Ohh.

308
00:15:32,077 --> 00:15:33,460
I myself had a...

309
00:15:33,485 --> 00:15:35,362
I don't want to call
it a suicide attempt,

310
00:15:35,387 --> 00:15:37,173
but I ended up in a 72-hour
hold in a psych unit

311
00:15:37,197 --> 00:15:41,593
back in whatever year, it was 1989, '90.

312
00:15:41,618 --> 00:15:44,496
You know... Gianni's mom
and I were going through

313
00:15:44,521 --> 00:15:48,166
a really hard time and we split up,

314
00:15:48,191 --> 00:15:50,069
and I don't want to get into details,

315
00:15:50,094 --> 00:15:52,729
but I never forget this friggin' guy

316
00:15:52,754 --> 00:15:55,513
sittin' across from me and saying me,

317
00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:57,898
"You realize you're never gonna
see your kids again, right?"

318
00:15:58,325 --> 00:16:00,811
And it was like, boom.

319
00:16:02,202 --> 00:16:04,116
Sound. Be ready.

320
00:16:05,867 --> 00:16:08,803
I'm from that generation of men

321
00:16:08,828 --> 00:16:10,427
where you didn't go to therapy.

322
00:16:10,452 --> 00:16:13,028
When you got into those places,

323
00:16:13,053 --> 00:16:14,591
you just friggin' toughed it out.

324
00:16:14,616 --> 00:16:16,878
But you know what?
It doesn't always work that way.

325
00:16:16,903 --> 00:16:20,663
When you're in crisis,
when you're in that state,

326
00:16:21,561 --> 00:16:23,882
you have to find a way to ask for help.

327
00:16:23,907 --> 00:16:26,991
You have to find a way
to get yourself into

328
00:16:27,016 --> 00:16:29,514
a safe environment with professionals,

329
00:16:29,539 --> 00:16:32,999
and there's people out
there that will help you

330
00:16:33,024 --> 00:16:35,355
take one foot in front of the other.

331
00:16:35,380 --> 00:16:36,567
Yeah, it takes a lot of courage.

332
00:16:36,591 --> 00:16:37,842
It takes guts.

333
00:16:37,867 --> 00:16:39,786
And on some level I have a lot of guilt,

334
00:16:39,811 --> 00:16:41,888
and I think sometimes my behavior

335
00:16:41,913 --> 00:16:44,514
in what I did at that time,

336
00:16:44,539 --> 00:16:45,873
when I hurt myself...

337
00:16:45,898 --> 00:16:47,784
Gianni was like seven years old.

338
00:16:47,809 --> 00:16:50,812
I made mistakes, man,
I did some things,

339
00:16:50,837 --> 00:16:53,075
and I can't take any of it back,

340
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:54,569
but I realize, you know what,

341
00:16:54,594 --> 00:16:57,764
it's just part of what's
happened in my life.

342
00:17:01,406 --> 00:17:04,507
Oh, yeah, man, that looks good!

343
00:17:04,910 --> 00:17:06,452
That's dope.

344
00:17:06,911 --> 00:17:08,079
Fuck yeah.

345
00:17:08,358 --> 00:17:10,249
What do you think? G-Bo.

346
00:17:10,274 --> 00:17:11,928
Oh, yeah, dude.

347
00:17:14,669 --> 00:17:16,530
I like the way that hangs and shit.

348
00:17:16,555 --> 00:17:18,048
- You like that?
- Yeah, man.

349
00:17:18,073 --> 00:17:19,575
Looks pretty good.

350
00:17:20,139 --> 00:17:23,887
I'm faced with a little
bit of a decision.

351
00:17:25,180 --> 00:17:26,431
Revolver Head?

352
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:28,909
No Revolver Head, no.

353
00:17:28,934 --> 00:17:30,952
See how the Grotjahn looks.

354
00:17:33,737 --> 00:17:35,364
I love this fucking guy.

355
00:17:36,655 --> 00:17:37,711
I'm not sure if that's gonna work.

356
00:17:37,735 --> 00:17:39,811
- See, there's too much color.
- Yeah.

357
00:17:40,964 --> 00:17:42,319
Ahh.

358
00:17:43,233 --> 00:17:44,716
I don't think that's gonna work.

359
00:17:44,741 --> 00:17:47,405
- I like the donut.
- I like the donut too.

360
00:17:47,943 --> 00:17:51,085
Yeah, this is... this is
not gonna work like that.

361
00:17:55,186 --> 00:17:58,129
For me, the mainstay has
been this mantra I've had

362
00:17:58,154 --> 00:18:00,740
which is "Process is king."
And I find that, like,

363
00:18:00,765 --> 00:18:02,526
in the moment of creating,

364
00:18:02,551 --> 00:18:04,427
no matter what your mental state is,

365
00:18:04,452 --> 00:18:07,552
there's some magical machination

366
00:18:07,577 --> 00:18:09,888
that happens in the moment
of doing something.

367
00:18:09,913 --> 00:18:11,628
Whether you're hitting
the keys on the piano,

368
00:18:11,652 --> 00:18:13,967
whether you're a dancer and
you're in the moment of flight,

369
00:18:13,991 --> 00:18:16,247
whether you're hitting the
canvas for the first time,

370
00:18:16,272 --> 00:18:18,364
and it's just that
movement of the brush

371
00:18:18,389 --> 00:18:19,751
on the canvas.

372
00:18:19,776 --> 00:18:21,820
In that moment, that's where it is,

373
00:18:21,845 --> 00:18:23,138
that's where it's at.

374
00:18:24,575 --> 00:18:25,882
Is that a Christmas tree?

375
00:18:25,907 --> 00:18:29,160
These weird little trees
I've been drawing lately...

376
00:18:29,210 --> 00:18:31,087
that bring me joy.

377
00:18:32,186 --> 00:18:34,007
No matter what my state is,

378
00:18:34,032 --> 00:18:35,617
I can go to that and have that

379
00:18:35,642 --> 00:18:37,185
as my, like... phtt!

380
00:18:37,397 --> 00:18:39,419
Centered, boom, know what to do.

381
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:40,921
That's the gratifying thing,

382
00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:42,414
that's why I do art.

383
00:18:42,787 --> 00:18:45,350
There's restraint and pause

384
00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:46,897
and peace now,

385
00:18:46,922 --> 00:18:48,924
where I can go to a work,

386
00:18:48,949 --> 00:18:50,534
work on it,

387
00:18:50,807 --> 00:18:53,189
feel that it's okay to stop there,

388
00:18:53,214 --> 00:18:55,633
just be like, "Okay, we're good."

389
00:19:01,501 --> 00:19:03,377
I kinda like where
mine's at right now.

390
00:19:03,433 --> 00:19:07,336
- You gonna leave it there? It's done?
- Kinda. Yeah. For now.

391
00:19:07,361 --> 00:19:08,675
What about the head?

392
00:19:08,700 --> 00:19:11,064
- I like it like that.
- Really?

393
00:19:11,089 --> 00:19:12,841
I just like the silhouette of the head.

394
00:19:12,866 --> 00:19:15,160
I don't want to put
eyes on it or anything.

395
00:19:15,185 --> 00:19:17,830
I got the good jawline
on the horse head.

396
00:19:20,002 --> 00:19:23,492
Last year around this time,
like, I was scared,

397
00:19:23,517 --> 00:19:26,693
I thought I wouldn't be able to do
art again, but you just do art.

398
00:19:26,718 --> 00:19:29,613
I did art about not being
able to do art again.

399
00:19:29,638 --> 00:19:32,711
I did a piece of art
'cause I was frustrated

400
00:19:32,736 --> 00:19:34,893
'cause it didn't feel right,
but I still did it.

401
00:19:35,205 --> 00:19:38,872
And now I kinda like the piece,
looking at it a year later.

402
00:19:38,897 --> 00:19:40,900
But in the time, I was just so angry

403
00:19:40,925 --> 00:19:43,293
I just felt like,
"This is foreign to me,

404
00:19:43,318 --> 00:19:45,487
I don't know what to do,"
but you persist,

405
00:19:45,512 --> 00:19:48,265
you continue to do your
craft a little bit each day.

406
00:19:48,290 --> 00:19:50,884
And if you really love it, you're
gonna be inherently consistent

407
00:19:50,909 --> 00:19:52,786
because you're gonna
want to do it each day.

408
00:19:52,811 --> 00:19:55,149
And the results are gonna vary,

409
00:19:55,174 --> 00:19:58,367
but process is king...
Stay in the process.

410
00:19:58,392 --> 00:19:59,501
Stay in the process.

411
00:19:59,526 --> 00:20:01,245
Creativity doesn't know what time it is.

412
00:20:01,269 --> 00:20:03,706
Creativity doesn't know a time.
That's why we want to sleep here.

413
00:20:03,730 --> 00:20:05,651
I get up in the middle of the
night and work on a collage

414
00:20:05,675 --> 00:20:08,177
'cause creativity doesn't
know what time it is.

415
00:20:33,959 --> 00:20:35,011
Go ahead, hit it.

416
00:20:35,036 --> 00:20:37,017
- I did.
- No, hit it again if you want.

417
00:20:37,042 --> 00:20:40,308
I know you're dying to make
a mark on it. Go ahead.

418
00:20:40,333 --> 00:20:42,642
These are pretty singular,

419
00:20:42,667 --> 00:20:45,008
but he put on this "Sweet Dreams"...

420
00:20:45,033 --> 00:20:46,518
- last night...
- Because it was on the wall.

421
00:20:46,542 --> 00:20:48,596
He took it off the wall...
And I was like, "That's awesome."

422
00:20:48,620 --> 00:20:50,163
Somebody in the crew was kind enough

423
00:20:50,188 --> 00:20:51,648
to put "Sweet Dreams" on the wall

424
00:20:51,673 --> 00:20:53,592
and I saw it and I said,
"Put it in the piece."

425
00:20:53,617 --> 00:20:55,650
- I didn't care...
- We don't know who it is,

426
00:20:55,690 --> 00:20:57,964
- ... it's like the name of the horse.
- ... but whoever it is, we love you.

427
00:20:57,988 --> 00:20:59,563
- It works.
- And I made a little

428
00:20:59,588 --> 00:21:01,148
gold mark on his just now.

429
00:21:01,173 --> 00:21:02,795
He wants to, like, make marks,

430
00:21:02,820 --> 00:21:04,060
I don't have a problem with it.

431
00:21:04,496 --> 00:21:07,043
Like, we did this thing,
the Grotjahn thing,

432
00:21:07,068 --> 00:21:08,820
and I said, "Just go hit it,"

433
00:21:08,845 --> 00:21:11,682
and he just did this little friggin'
whatever-it-is,

434
00:21:11,707 --> 00:21:12,750
and I think it's perfect.

435
00:21:12,775 --> 00:21:14,193
I think the collaboration, too,

436
00:21:14,218 --> 00:21:17,053
is, like, executing the tone
of the room too,

437
00:21:17,078 --> 00:21:21,673
does this wall come together
as a seamless whole?

438
00:21:38,659 --> 00:21:42,454
I, uh, caused a lot of wreckage

439
00:21:42,479 --> 00:21:43,855
and a lot of pain

440
00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:45,824
and a lot of chaos.

441
00:21:45,849 --> 00:21:49,444
And I'm still a work
in progress, you know,

442
00:21:49,469 --> 00:21:51,421
I'm still really new to this.

443
00:21:51,446 --> 00:21:53,865
But a lot's changed over
the course of the year

444
00:21:53,890 --> 00:21:55,495
because I put in some intense work

445
00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:57,469
and I've been trying to get...

446
00:21:57,494 --> 00:22:00,430
Get sober and get
healthy for a long time.

447
00:22:00,455 --> 00:22:04,059
And my living amends to my dad

448
00:22:04,084 --> 00:22:06,211
is to grant him peace of mind.

449
00:22:06,329 --> 00:22:07,914
It's a lifetime of work,

450
00:22:07,939 --> 00:22:09,816
and it's something I get to practice...

451
00:22:09,841 --> 00:22:12,814
I have the opportunity
to practice each day.

452
00:22:15,303 --> 00:22:18,765
I had to, like, learn
about patience, acceptance,

453
00:22:18,790 --> 00:22:20,917
those things that really test you.

454
00:22:20,942 --> 00:22:23,094
You say you love somebody,
you say whatever,

455
00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:25,063
but until you're in that arena

456
00:22:25,328 --> 00:22:27,000
and you're wrestling with
those beasts and stuff,

457
00:22:27,024 --> 00:22:29,657
that's where you find out
where your character's at.

458
00:22:29,682 --> 00:22:30,833
You know, at the end of the day,

459
00:22:30,857 --> 00:22:32,686
he's someone that needs help, he's sick.

460
00:22:32,711 --> 00:22:34,756
I gotta figure out a way
to have a relationship,

461
00:22:34,781 --> 00:22:36,010
but have a boundary,

462
00:22:36,035 --> 00:22:37,970
that I can protect myself
and take care of myself

463
00:22:37,995 --> 00:22:39,838
and my wife and my family.

464
00:22:46,476 --> 00:22:49,771
You know, maybe part of the
thing about doing this thing

465
00:22:49,796 --> 00:22:51,923
is that I'm hoping,
when somebody sees this,

466
00:22:51,948 --> 00:22:54,534
is that yeah, there's a lot of pain,

467
00:22:54,559 --> 00:22:56,778
there's a lot of scars,
there's a lot of wounding,

468
00:22:56,803 --> 00:22:59,222
but you know,
there is healing and there is...

469
00:22:59,247 --> 00:23:02,086
There's a light at
the end of the tunnel.

470
00:23:02,111 --> 00:23:05,392
But you gotta do the work,
you gotta do the time.

471
00:23:06,102 --> 00:23:09,199
When you told me the other day
that you trusted me again...

472
00:23:09,881 --> 00:23:13,378
was huge... that was huge.

473
00:23:13,403 --> 00:23:15,678
- Yeah, but you had to earn it.
- Yeah, I know.

474
00:23:16,030 --> 00:23:17,688
You had to earn it.

475
00:23:17,713 --> 00:23:19,214
And you have.

476
00:23:19,576 --> 00:23:23,682
You know, trust is a key
component of any relationship.

477
00:23:23,707 --> 00:23:26,566
You don't have trust, man,
you don't have honesty,

478
00:23:26,591 --> 00:23:29,343
you don't have the tenets,
you don't have the foundation,

479
00:23:29,368 --> 00:23:30,735
you don't have anything.

480
00:23:31,793 --> 00:23:32,923
That's what I'm saying, you know,

481
00:23:32,947 --> 00:23:34,706
some of the stuff that
went on between you and I,

482
00:23:34,730 --> 00:23:37,485
I just... it was hard shit.

483
00:23:37,510 --> 00:23:38,510
And...

484
00:23:39,837 --> 00:23:42,714
And I know that everything
happens in life for a reason, but...

485
00:23:45,448 --> 00:23:46,695
... there was a lot of pain there.

486
00:23:46,719 --> 00:23:50,441
But you know, trusting you is...

487
00:23:58,257 --> 00:24:00,151
- Thank you.
- You're welcome, Papa.

488
00:24:00,175 --> 00:24:03,034
No, thanks like...
No, really, fuckin' thanks.

489
00:24:03,059 --> 00:24:05,895
I'm not gonna fuckin'
cry through the whole fuckin' thing.

490
00:24:06,629 --> 00:24:07,956
Fuck.

491
00:24:07,981 --> 00:24:10,143
Seriously. Shit.

492
00:24:12,985 --> 00:24:14,985
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