So the takeaway is, just never ask a customer
when she's due.
And, finally, some big news.
Are you ready for this?
How should we know?
Yeah, it kind of depends what the news is.
Guys, the more we talk about it,
the more it won't live up to the hype.
Let's just get it over with. Amy.
Thank you, Garrett.
The West Concord Mall...
is closing.
- Oh. - The mall's gone?
- Really? - That's crazy.
I lost my virginity there and a lipstick I really liked.
Wait, so you're telling me I have to go
all the way to the airport to get Sbarro's?
I got my ears pierced at the Claire's there,
and then that's where Emma got her ears pierced.
Can't wait to tell her that story
so she can say, "Cool story, Mom,"
without looking up from her cell phone.
Anyway... Glenn, are you okay?
- We did it, Dina. - We [bleep] did it.
I've been fighting that mall for 40 years.
It undercut my dad's hardware store.
It darn near took this place under.
It took my youth.
It took my body.
In what sense?
I think the point is that from a business perspective,
this is really good news for us.
Oh, yeah, the death of retail...
that's great news for our store.
Sorry I'm late.
Carol. Hey, welcome back.
- New look. - New outlook.
Sedona changed everything for me.
Or maybe I should say it allowed me
to access the change that was already there.
I think we should drug-test her.
Synced and corrected by hawken45 for www.addic7ed.com
So I realized the best way to attract a mall crowd
is to mall this place up.
I had them spray a bunch of knockoff perfume everywhere.
I put some massage chairs over on the breezeway.
We're giving away free ear piercings,
and I had them bring in the water fountain
from the Garden Center.
The mall had all this stuff in one place?
Yeah, I mean, I'm working with what we have.
It's not like I can put a movie theater in here.
The mall had movies, too?
It sounds terrible. I'm glad it's gone.
And you know how mall walkers love their free food.
Well, I bumped up our sample stations.
- Guess how many. - You want me to guess how many
free sample stations you arranged?
Okay, never mind. It was dumb.
- I'm embarrassed. - I mean, I guess
- I got to say three. - Four.
- Four? - Is that a record?
I mean, corporate thought so.
It's badass you got them to okay that.
It's pretty cool, right?
Amy, it is so cool.
Oh, hey, man, Colleen and I went
to that Cuban place you recommended.
Oh, the place I said would be good for a double date.
So you... you two went, just, uh... just the two of you.
- Yeah. - Huh.
So I guess you didn't get to have the combo platter...
the signature dish, serves four.
No, we ordered that.
We just shared it with the couple sitting next to us.
- Great, that sounds fun. - Ugh.
How's the job search going?
Well, I need something that's cash only
and under the table,
and I'm not willing to clean anyone's garage
in my underwater, so my options are limited.
Well, you know, I-I could just front you a...
Thanks, but I'm not your charity case.
You want to feel good about yourself,
go teach some inner-city kids poetry.
Well, the joke's on you,
'cause they actually ended up teaching me, you know.
And... and it wouldn't be charity.
It's just an advance.
- You pay me back when you can. - I don't need any help.
I am gonna figure this out on my own.
So new subject, please.
So, uh, you guys watching
Family Vacation"?
I'm not really watching anything.
I mean, it's so hard to focus. I'm so worried about money.
- So just let me... - No.
There are so many extra bodies in here,
I had to call corporate and ask them
to turn the thermostat down.
They refused. But I bet we're raking it in.
You know, funny you should say that.
I just checked, and no.
No? How?
I mean, we have all this extra mall traffic.
Yeah, well, mall people don't buy, they hang.
I hate people that treat shopping like an adventure.
Give me a shut-in who needs a sponge.
Anyway, should we start rousting 'em?
Well, I'm not exactly sure what rousting entails,
but it wouldn't hurt to remind them
that the store is for customers only.
Nice, I'll go warm up for the rousting.
Sandra, get those kids off the massage chairs.
Those girls?
They look like they're from "Euphoria."
Well, they don't have to go back there.
They just have to get off the chairs.
"Euphoria's" a show.
Whatever, there's a bunch of teens in the café.
We can start there.
Okay, kids, if you're not gonna buy anything,
I'm gonna have to ask you...
Um, I got to pee, guys. I'll be right back.
Don't get me wrong. I like that you're here.
I just didn't think you'd ever want to hang out at your mom's work.
Well, I tried to get them to hang out
in the parking lot of Tony Rotundo's,
but people wanted Wi-Fi.
By the way, who are those girls?
Oh, those are my drug-dealer friends.
We sit in the pile of broken bottles by the bleachers.
You're... you're joking.
So am I. I'm in on this.
Yeah, well, they're seniors,
and they're finally letting me hang out with them.
And I was hoping you could be cool about this,
but, obviously...
No, no. I-I-I can be cool.
I'm being cool. Just hang out.
They won't even know I'm your mom.
You know, there's free samples. It's dumb.
Never mind. That's stupid.
But there are four stations, and one of them's hummus.
You love hummus.
Stop knowing what I like.
Ugh.
That's them.
Thanks for doing this,
but don't tell them I needed you.
Oh, I'm not even gonna mention you.
I mean, no offense, but it'd be really weird
if you came up.
Hey, guys.
Um, so I know this sucks, but it'd be really chill
if you could find somewhere else to hang out.
- "Chill"? - Yeah.
You know, so the customers can try these out
in case they want to buy them.
Sounds chill.
I know. These rules suck, right?
That's why we're laughing.
Totally.
Wait, is that about me?
No, okay, you don't get it.
I'm cool.
You're okay. You're okay.
Trust me, don't look back. It only adds to the shame.
Hey, gang, shame about the mall closing.
It's like America's declared war on public spaces.
Anyway, get out.
Good joke, Dina. Put that on TikTok.
- What are you doing? - Change of plans.
Emma's hanging out with her friends.
Wait, really? That's Emma?
Man, she has the least memorable face I've ever seen.
Okay, we're not kicking her out.
What, we're just gonna let her flout the rules?
I thought we were being tough moms.
I haven't gotten to spend much time with her lately.
I'm so busy at work.
So she's spending most of her time with Adam,
and then whenever we are together,
she's just annoyed with me.
Like, the other day I said, "You have a lovely smile."
And she looked me in the eye and said,
"It skipped a generation."
Like, why?
Because your mother has an objectively better smile.
I mean, she lights up a room.
It's a tricky time,
and I don't want to make it worse.
All right, look, I'll give you a half an hour.
But, Amy, understand this is an infestation.
Sure, the first termite is cute,
but if you let more of them come,
sooner or later, bye-bye, houseboat.
Don't you have a gambling problem?
It's the only way that I can get him to take my money,
and it's not gambling when it's a sure thing.
Uh... no, you're crazy, Garrett.
I am 100% positive.
So, yes, I will take you up on that bet.
Okay, yes, 'cause this is what is happening right now.
Hey, Mateo. Mateo, come here.
Settle something for us.
So I just said that Cher has obviously never won a Grammy,
and Garrett is saying that she has.
I'm sorry, the goddess Cher, as in Cherilyn Sarkisian?
I assume.
I swear she's never won one,
and I will bet you 50 bucks I'm right.
- Okay. - I want in on this.
Cher absolutely has a Grammy.
Okay, get ready to lose 50 bucks.
Although, 50 is a lot,
and Jonah seems so sure.
Uh... oh, God.
Maybe Cher doesn't have a Grammy.
That's why she still works so hard and keeps it so tight.
- Don't overthink it, Mateo. - Oh, you know what?
- I just remembered "Believe"... - Mmhmm.
That one was a bop. I might be wrong.
Okay, stop second-guessing yourself, Jonah.
But you just said...
I'm in. 50 bucks, no Grammy.
Oh, um, uh, okay. Um...
And Cher has...
One Grammy.
For "Believe."
Damn it. I needed that money.
Oh, my God...
I snubbed Cher.
I didn't believe.
W-would you like me in the picture?
Ew.
Oh, are you Snapchatting that?
You know, Snapchat, the app?
Okay, ma'am.
I'm old!
This is how it happens.
All of a sudden, all the words you know are wrong,
and there's some band on the radio called the Eagles.
Cheyenne, the Eagles are a really famous band.
You've heard of them?
There's nothing wrong with moving on
to a new phase of life.
Take me, for instance.
I used to run this place,
and now I'm the free-sample guy.
One of four.
Oh, she's gonna try it.
Huh?
And she did not like it, not one bit.
I guess she's just not a fan of raisins.
Oh, I...
Okay, full "disclozh"...
I've never pierced anyone's ears before,
but you've never had your ears pierced before.
So we're in this together.
So let's just close our eyes and go for it.
As the manager here,
I just wanted to welcome you
with some muffins,
and here are your receipts.
Just hang on to those in case any employees
try to give you static about not buying any.
Ugh. Lame-Os.
Why are you being nice to us?
Just because I know kids need to eat after school.
Not because I have any. I don't.
I can't. I rode too many horses.
I'm an equestrian... a champion equestrian.
Thanks for the muffins! Bye!
Okay, bye.
- Um, what was that about? - Oh, it's nothing.
Look.
What are you doing?
I-I wanted to talk to you, but I was scared,
'cause you're very confident like astronauts.
What? That's so weird.
Say other things.
I don't... I don't what... um...
I take the bus to work. I have a cat.
Okay, I'm officially obsessed with her.
Yeah.
Oh, so, will you come out of those chairs for me?
We would die for you, like, now.
Just the chairs are fine.
Oh, Amy, you're very good.
All right, this is how this is gonna go.
I'm gonna give you six minutes to eat, then... five kids,
two bathroom stalls, two minutes per poop...
at 4:39, you'll officially be loiterers again.
You know what? Let's just go.
No, no, no, hold on.
I'm sorry my colleague here hasn't heard
- the new store policy... - Amy...
Which is that there is no minimum purchase,
and you can stay till the store is closed,
and we're not gonna bother you anymore.
So, uh, just do whatever.
Really? I got to text Blaze and Rustin.
Blaze and Rustin?
We're sunk.
Well, I hope your kid stops hating you
before the store's destroyed.
Okay, she doesn't hate me, and it's really not that bad.
And... oh, I hadn't seen what they'd done to the robot.
Always penises.
Just once I'd like to see them draw a vagina.
Never mind. There they are on the back.
That's something.
She's killing it.
I'm just doing my job.
Oh, my God, who says that?
I wish you were my mom.
I wish they wished I was their mom.
Don't feel so bad.
I mean, sometimes people just like who they like, you know?
No one would have ever thought that the cool kids
would have liked me in high school,
but they loved me.
Yeah, they always let me give them gifts,
and they helped out of the locker
when I somehow got shoved inside.
They did that to you?
No, unidentified mean kids did that.
My cool friends were always nearby
laughing about something.
Oh, my God, you're right.
Sandra's being mean-girled.
Glenn, your story made me so sad,
but it was so helpful.
Oh. Okay, terrific.
50 bucks? Oh, man, now you're talking.
Mateo, get in on this.
I'm not betting any more money.
Ah, come on, you're not gonna win if you don't play.
Besides, look at the... look at the shot.
Oh, yeah, there's no way he's making that.
- I'm in. - All right.
All right.
Oh, my God, I made it.
Damn it! I'm down 100 bucks.
- What the hell? - I don't know, man.
I didn't mean to, but...
- Did you guys see that shot? - You didn't meant to?
Uh, Mateo's confused,
and the rule in gambling is, if anybody's confused,
they get all of their money back.
Wait, have you guys just been trying
to trick me into taking your money?
Yes, that's exactly what we were doing,
but did you guys see the shot?
That's what's important here.
So all this was a charity?
In practice, it was a lot more like robbery.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
- How's it going with your new friends? - Good.
Yeah, I said lakes were cooler than beaches,
and it took a second, but everyone agreed with me.
That's great. I'm... I'm so happy for you.
Yeah, so, um, thanks
for, like, not being totally weird today.
Yeah, no, I mean... pssht...
Of course.
Like, whatever.
Hey, I just confiscated this. It's been filled with bleach.
Now, I'll be the first to admit, that is a funny concept.
But, come on, it's time for these kids to go.
No, Dina, it's going so well with Emma.
She just told me that I wasn't being too weird.
Congratulations.
That said, we need to get them out of here
before something like this happens.
Ooh, whoops. Sorry about that.
- Go re-vest - Okay.
Okay, fine. Do it.
But if Emma asks, you acted alone.
No problem.
If I see and happen to recognize Emma,
I will pass that on.
Okay, stop messing with Sandra.
Literally, what are you talking about?
Oh, you know.
You've got her all like, "Oh, boy, somebody likes me,
and I have something to live for for once?"
It's mean.
Was that supposed to be me?
Yeah, I'm sticking up for you.
Next thing, you're gonna be going after her hair
and, you know, the way that she stands.
Oh, my God. You're bullying her.
I've never met an actual bully in real life.
I thought they were just in, like, old movies in the 1990s.
No, you're the bullies.
Ma'am, I hope you find peace, okay?
Oh. No, no, no.
Oh, Mateo, you obviously didn't have to...
I chose to make those bets.
I'm gonna pay you what I owe you.
- $4. - Slowly.
Like, this is all my fault.
I knew Jonah had a gambling thing,
but I just thought that meant he was good at it.
Why would you have a hobby that you suck at?
Okay, you know what? If I suck, why don't you just
bet against me this time?
It'll give you a chance to erase the debt.
No, thanks. You've messed with me enough already.
Oh, come on, come on, we'll just flip a coin, you know.
If you win, then we're square.
If you lose, then, you know, whatever.
Double screwed is just screwed, right?
That's really smart.
Is it?
Heads.
Nice!
Okay. Let's... let's do it again.
Are you sure? 'Cause this seems like a pretty good stopping point.
- 20 bucks? - Yeah, fine by me.
Heads.
Wow. I am good at this.
Well, it's random luck.
No, it's not. I have a system.
Of guessing heads, yeah.
Well, it keeps beating you, so...
Yeah, okay. Okay, um, again.
I'm assuming you want... you want heads.
Got to follow my system.
- And it's heads! - Yeah!
- You okay? - Again.
Hey, guys. Want to hear some hot goss?
I'm gonna kick you the [bleep] out of the store.
- What? - You heard me.
Pack up your SunnyDs and your Tamagotchis and hit the road.
You're changing the rules on us.
- Is this because of our age? - Absolutely.
So it's discrimination.
What... what are you... what are you doing?
- Documenting injustice. - Continue.
You were saying this was a discriminatory policy.
Why can't you just kick them out?
I tried. They started filming me.
And I don't want to become a meme
like that racist barbecue woman with the cool sunglasses.
So we have to make them want to leave.
So let's just think of places that teens like to go.
That's easy.
The hop.
How old are you?
Have we thought about using
the teachings of the Sacred Wheel
to show them the interconnectedness of all life?
Yes, Carol, we did try that.
- I think you were in the bathroom. - Oh.
Hmm, what about, like, the mall?
Eugene, you're excused.
Okay.
Oh, God, they've breached.
That's it.
It's their store now.
What'd you say?
Let's go. Again, again.
Heads.
What?
Okay, you know what? You're down 200 bucks. Let's just stop.
No, no, no, no, no. One more time, one more time.
Double or nothing.
If it's tails, we all walk away even.
- And if it's heads? - It's not gonna be heads.
Flip the coin.
It's heads.
$400.
Thank you guys so much.
Oh, God, it feels so much better
winning this money fair and square.
Feel good to help people?
Don't, uh, tell Amy about this.
Gonna have to Febreze that couch for a long time.
Hey, Cheyenne.
You're young.
Any ideas on how we get rid of them?
I'm not young.
Maybe I never was.
Well, you broke Cheyenne. I hope you're happy.
All to try and make your daughter think you're cool.
No, I'm not trying to get Emma to think I'm cool.
I just don't want her to think that I actively suck.
Mm, sorry, but she's gonna.
You're her mom. She's a teenager.
Back then, I thought my mom was a dork, and she was in prison.
Yeah, I guess this is a losing battle.
I mean, the more I try and get to her,
the further she runs away.
Because you're lame.
You're lame as hell.
- In Emma's eyes. - Among other places.
Amy, the things you've been suppressing
are exactly what we need.
You're not some hip checked-out mom.
You're a smothering, doting, teary mess,
and we need to show those children that mess
in all its horrifying glory.
Uh, what is all this?
We just wanted to let you know that we believe in you.
Uh, uh, why are you taking my picture?
Mason, right?
Congratulations, Mason. You're our Teen of the Week.
I'm gonna put this picture on our website, on the Internet.
Ma'am, what are you doing?
Well, um...
everybody, I wanted to let you know
that I am so proud of you...
of who you are, of who you're becoming.
And even though there's some distance between us...
you know, customers and employees...
I know that, ultimately, this...
journey that you're on is leading to a wonderful place.
And I know I said that it was possibly problematic
that you're GarageBand beats
had too many African influences,
but that was authentic to you, so that is enough for me.
And I am speaking to all of you, obviously...
metaphorically...
and I love you.
I love you so much.
I love you all so much.
This sucks!
Let's go check out that parking lot.
Good Bye!
Come back tomorrow we'll show you some educational videos
about your changing bodies.
Well done Amy. That was truely painful to watch.
Ya, that was brutal.
If you were my mom I'd never talk to you again.
Thank you.
Hey?
Ah, I was just wondering if I could take off just a, a tiny bit early?