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Good morning, everyone... good morning.
So listen, guys, we are not in good shape.
The whole doing-business-in-China thing
has sort of bitten us in the ass.
And now we aren't selling enough weed to keep up with our costs.
You see this? This right here?
That's us plateauing.
We no longer get any of that sweet Chinese money
and now, all the money we do make
doesn't even cover our expenses.
So, how do we sell more weed? Stan?
I don't know.
Do, like a sale? Like a fall sale?
Not good enough! Shelley?
I hate marijuana.
Nice attitude. How do we sell more weed? Sharon?
If you don't make commercials or do more parades for the town
- we'd have more money. - Right, cut out all our marketing.
That's Sharon's great idea, everyone. Towelie?
You know what the problem is, it's the schwag.
All those stands and seeds, they just go to waste, man.
Go on.
It's like... we sell all the good parts of the weed
but we throw away, like, tons and tons
of all the left over shit.
You can sell that crap as mulch to a hardware company.
Mulch.
Use our discarded product to recover costs.
Everyone, great job.
You just got pwned by a towel.
It's Sloppy Joe Day!
I seriously think that Sloppy Joe Day
is my favorite day at school.
Yeah, it's the best.
Sloppy Joe Day it's sloppy Joe day!
Come on, keep the line moving, kids!
- What is this? - That's today's lunch.
- It's feesh. - Feesh?
But, but this is Sloppy Joe Day.
Yeah, well, the menu's been changed.
We had kids complainin' our food wasn't healthy
or sustainable enough so don't you start bitchin' about it now.
What kids were complaining about health and sustainability?!
What kids would care at all that...?
- The girls! - The girls?
The [bleep] girls.
Excuse me!
Can someone explain to us why this is on our lunch trays?
Yeah, it's supposed to be Sloppy Joe Day!
We asked for healthier options
and to sometimes have food for those of us
who don't eat red meat.
Oh, my God. I'm about to lose my mind...
You think you can just mess with a man's lunch...
- It's okay Eric... - You think that your ideas
about health and nutrition... Should be somehow
- interfering with mine... - Eric, Eric...
You dictate what foods I can eat...
- Eric? Eric? - I can't. I can't.
Butters, I can't...
Clear.
We got him back.
[Bleep] you, Wendy.
How much you think we'll get for our mulch?
Even if we only get ten cents a pound,
we have, like, a million pounds of it.
This is gonna save our business.
I'm really hungry all of a sudden,
you want some Burger King?
Yeah, I'll take some onion rings.
Welcome to Burger King, can I take your order?
Uh, hi, can I get, um, large onion rings...
The big Coke Zero and, um...
What's an Impossible burger?
It's a plant-based burger, sir.
Plant based?
You mean, like, it's not, like, a cow?
No sir, it's completely vegan,
but it's engineered to replicate the taste and texture of beef.
Huh. Okay I'll try it.
Hey, this tastes like shit.
You guys make money off of this?
They're very popular, sir.
A lot of people care about the environment and sustainability.
Ah, that, that's amazing.
I mean, this seriously tastes like dog shit.
And you get people to buy it?
Wait a minute...
Plant based...
Plant.
Based...
Plant based. Oh, my God.
Comin', through! Make way!
Hey guys, how's it going?
You're out of the hospital?
Yes. The girls tried to kill me, but they didn't succeed.
However we cannot let the girls' protests
ruin our lunch ever again.
Oh, gimme a break!
It's not just girls who want to change the menu,
it's boys too! Yeah! I want vegan food!
A lot of students are protesting!
Well their protesting is ruining my lunch!
We have a right to free speech!
Yes, we do all have freedom of speech,
but at times there are ramifications for the negative
that can happen, when you're not thinking
about others and you're only thinking for yourself!
Woah, woah, woah- what's going on, kids!
The protestors are trying to kill Eric again Mr. Mackey!
M'kay, kids, we don't want another incident here, m'kay?
When you try to change people's lunch,
they don't realize it harms people financially, physically,
emotionally, and spiritually.
Eric, it's okay.
We aren't going to change the school menu, m'kay?
Everything's fine.
That's not fair!
Doesn't it matter we're being silenced?!
My lunch!
Girls, I'm sorry. But the health of our students has to come first.
Gerald, thanks for coming.
You're not going to believe this.
- Believe what? Your text said that... - Come on!
Come on! Come on!
I think I've perfected it, Gerald.
I've made a sustainable, healthy alternative to meat.
I want you to to try it.
- It's a hamburger? - It's a Tegridy burger.
Go ahead. Try it.
Well?
- It tastes like shit. - Yeah, it's plant based.
But keep eating it though.
I just... I just don't think it's very good.
Randy wait for it.
Wait for it.
- Yeah, it's good. - Yeah, right?
It's really [bleep] good, man.
This is like the best burger I've ever had!
And you can eat a lot of 'em and not feel bloated.
Towelie's had, like, 12!
Best burgers I ever had.
Oh, my God.
School cafeteria ribs.
After all that yogurt and crap they gave me at the hospital.
I love Barbecue Rib Day
Yeah, I think maybe I like Rib Day
Even more than Sloppy Joe Day
It's a difficult choice
Everyone? Everyone, can I have your attention, please?
Look, guys. We're supposed to be the young generation, right?
We're the ones upset about the world our parents left us.
Yeah, but eating this kind of food
makes us all just as guilty.
The millions and millions of cows and pigs and chickens
that we harvest every year are a huge reason for climate change.
It is up to us as students to protest for change.
Young voices matter!
Without sustainable and ethical food choices now,
we're proving to be no...
Can I please just enjoy my lunch for five God damn minutes.
You gotta calm down, Eric, Remember your condition...
We all have freedom of speech
but stop talking about climate change during lunchtime!
Okay, let's sit down.
Some of us are trying to just enjoy some simple
God damn barbecue ribs and I...
Oh, God they did it to me again, Butters.
Eric! I think this is the big one.
- Don't let me die. - Somebody, help!
Don't let me d- don't let me die, butters!
Clear.
We got him back.
[Bleep] you Wendy.
So that's one Whopper, one order of chicken strings,
and a medium beverage...
- Burgers! Get your burgers here!
Okay that'll be fif...
Plant-based burgers for sale!
Excuse me one moment.
Get your hamburgers here!
Plant-based burgers for sale!
Hey! What are you doing?
I'm sellin' hamburgers! All natural, completely plant based.
- Thank you sir. - You can't sell hamburgers here,
this is a Burger King!
You sell hamburgers here.
Yeah, you sell hamburgers here.
This is seriously as good or better
than a real hamburger.
Can I get a couple more to take to work?
Hey now look, buddy!
I'm not gonna lose customers because of you!
We have plant-based burgers inside as well!
Come try our Impossible burger!
Tegridy burger! Made locally right here in South Park!
Tegridy burger.
Stop that!
Alright, everyone, listen up.
As you know, there are several students
protesting the school menu.
But there are other students who are voicing
their concerns against changes.
Eric Cartman is still recovering in the hospital,
we all wish him well.
Now the school has been looking into several options
to deal with problem.
And I do believe we have found a compromise.
We have found a new company in the plant-based
fast food industry who would like to be
the supplier for our cafeteria.
And so please welcome the founder of Incredible Meat.
Hello, children.
I want to thank you and I want to thank
your fine principal, for hearing me out.
I take plants and I process them into goo.
I am a goo man.
I have factories all over the country.
I have trucks right now loaded with goo
that can be here within the week.
The goo I speak of can be made into anything.
It can be made into tacos.
It can be made into hot dogs.
And I promise you that none of your students
will know the difference.
I would very much like to be the plant-based meat vendor
for your school.
I would like to be the plant-based meat vendor
for your town.
I'm a simple family man and a vegetarian.
I would like the opportunity to make you all
vegetarians as well. And I thank you.
Eating meat doesn't just hurt animals, it hurts people.
It takes 13 pounds of grain to produce
just 1 pound of animal meat.
All that plant food could be used
much more efficiently if people just ate it directly.
Meat is also not environmentally friendly.
Meat production is wasteful and causes
enormous amounts of pollution,
and the meat industry is one of the biggest...
Oh, I was just saying that adopting a vegan diet
is way more effective than switching to
a "greener" car in the fight against climate change.
For your health, for our planet,
for the animals, and for each other.
We have to switch to plant-based foods.
Now, i-it just so happens...
Cheeba
Cheeba, cheeba
Cheeba Cheeba, cheeba.
Cheeba, cheeba
You gotta be kidding me!
It's our grand opening!
Come and visit your town's only plant-based burger joint!
It's not the town's only plant-based burger joint!
Cheeba, cheeba-cheeba
Celebrate our grand opening...
Tegridy Burger.
Jeeba, jeeba
Jeeba-jeeba
Here he comes!
It's Taco Tuesday
It's T-Taco...
- Mr. Mackey. - Oh, h-hello, Eric.
What's going on, Butters? It's Taco Tuesday
It's Taco Tuesday.
These tacos look different. What kind are they?
They're... Incredible Beef Tacos.
Oh, Incredible Beef Tacos. That sounds nice.
Did you guys see that new "Joker" movie?
Oh, thank God. It worked.
Welcome City Wok. I take a order, please.
Are you the owner of this restaurant?
Yes. I take a order, please.
I'd like to do business with you.
Your establishment here is perfect
for my plant-based meats.
You see, I am a goo man.
If you carry my product, Incredible Meats,
we can put the word "incredible" before all of your dishes.
You mean, instead of City Chicken,
I could have Incredible City Chicken?
That is correct.
You mean instead of City Mongorian Beef,
I can have Incredibly City Mongorian Beef?
- That's right. - You're saying now
I can have scallops with Incredibly City XO Sauce?!
Okay! Sign me up!
That is most excellent!
Now, how many customers on average do you have
per day?
Including my wife? Uh, zero to one per day.
That's it.
Yeah, I got no customers now that a Tegridy Burger opened up.
Everyone want plant-based food now.
That's why I'm ready you sign me up.
What is Tegridy Burger?
Yeah, here you look. Down the block.
Most popular place in town.
Is that so?!
Hey!
Hey, what about my Incredibly City Chicken?
Whatchu doin', you sum bitch?
Excuse me?
I'm the biggest cattle rancher in South Park.
I made my livin' 62 odd years before you fancy plant growers
done showed up and put me outta job!
Well I'm sorry, Mr. Cow Killer...
but this is called "evolution."
I got 300 cows that the world has suddenly decided
they got no use fer!
What am I supposed to do with 'em... Put em in a zoo?
What they gonna do now, go start a cow circus?
Go make some cow TV show?
You are single handedly making cows extinct, you!
You gotta plan for 'em all?! Fine!
Come on! Yah! Come on!
Mr. Plant-Based Burgers here is gonna take care of you now!
Yeah, don't worry. He cares about the environment.
So he can figure out what to do with you.
Hey.
[Bleep] you.
No, [bleep] you, sum bitch!
They're your problem now.
Teacher?
Lunchtime!
Walk don't run, mm-kay.
Hey, Butters! Wait up, dude.
You know what today is, right?
It's Salisbury Steak Day
Salisbury Steak Day, it's Salis...
Salisbury Steak Day.
Butters, is something going on?
Your lunch dances aren't the same.
Eric, I... I just hate lying to you.
I mean you've been in the hospital... twice.
I feel guilty.
Guilty? About what?
It's our lunches, Eric. It's...
Incredible Meat.
Yes, I think it's pretty good.
No, Eric! See, there was this guy.
He's a goo man.
The [bleep] is a goo man?!
Go on, shoo!
Hey! God damn it!
I don't know what we're gonna do.
These cows are eating all our weed,
and they're shitting everywhere!
They're gonna put us completely out of business.
Can't you find anyone else to take 'em?
Nobody wants cows anymore!
They're bad for climate change.
- We gotta kill 'em. - What?!
They're ruining our burger business!
We gotta kill all these cows!
How are we gonna do that?
Look, it's not gonna be easy.
It's not something anyone wants to do but...
we're just gonna have to get really, really high.
Yeah!
I've been in your town a little while now.
What I see is a community that is ready for change.
You see, I am a goo man.
What I serve in your school cafeteria
is a synthetically-modulated plant protein.
I have taken over nearly all
the fast food restaurants here in town
and teamed up with the fine people in your community.
This my new regional manager, H.W.
- It's Rick. - Shut up, H.W.
You see, I'm trying to reach all the school cafeterias,
all the stadiums, fast food restaurants,
all the places that serve shitty food
and serve shitty goo.
The goo for these kind of places is made in a factory.
It's made in a lab.
It's just down-market goo.
But I can tell people it's healthy and earth friendly,
and I can send my goo through a network of pipes
running all the way to the ocean.
So, that it can be eaten by people
who eat crappy food anyway... From coast to coast.
And that what we have for school lunch now?
That's what all the kids decided while I wasn't there?
But you see, It doesn't work
unless I own all the crappy food places.
Mr. Rancher?
Y-Yes sir. Mr. Goo Man?
Have you done what I've asked you to do?
It's all done, sir. You'll have everything you need.
Well if you don't mind boys, I have work to tend to.
Me too. I need to have a word with the students at my school.
Oh, God, Eric! What are you gonna do?!
It has become the most popular burger in Colorado.
The plant-based Tegridy Burger
is changing the way people think about food.
All over the state, people are turning vegan
and eating more ethical sustainable meat.
I'm standing now with Randy Marsh,
the owner of Tegridy Burger,
and, Mr. Marsh, you must be pretty excited.
Yeah, you know, we're all just...
We're all just bein' healthy and ethical over here!
Uh-huh, and, Mr. Marsh,
what about the student protests coming out against your burger
right now?!
Students are coming forward,
saying that Tegridy Farms is unethical and hypocritical.
That's right! Tegridy Burger is a fraud!
We caught their farm on camera. Just take a look!
We warn you, the following footage
is graphic.
Mr. Marsh, what do you have to say about these images?
Oh, hey.
[Bleep] you!
Oh, they were...
They were just...
We didn't eat 'em!
Hey, guys, looks like I almost missed lunch.
Oh, God. Someone's gonna die.
I found out about what we're eating here at the school.
I found out what it's made of and where!
N-Now, Eric, stay calm, mm-kay! We're sorry.
We were just trying to find a compromise!
Now just be calm.
What are you sorry about?
It's me who owes all you guys an apology.
I thought you guys were all trying
to force me to eat healthy, but I've learned
that a lot of this stuff is made in a factory
and processed with tons of salt just like all my favorite foods!
SpaghettiOs, Rice-A-Roni...
Here I was thinking what you wanted
was stuff from a farmers market.
I just didn't want my food to change.
School cafeteria meat is just processed crap
that comes in a box, and this is...
just processed crap that comes in a box.
I don't have a problem with it.
All I wanted was to be able
to eat the same garbage I always have,
and this is definitely garbage.
And hey, if it happens to be more ethical and sustainable,
well, I guess I'm fine with that, too.
So, you see, guys?
There was actually no reason to protest!
We were actually all on the same page all the time!
At least we learned that freedom of speech
truly doesn't matter!
Come on, let's eat!
It's Processed Meat-Like Substance Day
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