1 00:00:01,427 --> 00:00:02,480 Okay, Lily, sweetie, do you want me 2 00:00:02,530 --> 00:00:03,930 to pack your bathing suit for the party? 3 00:00:03,946 --> 00:00:06,221 Only if you want to wear it. 4 00:00:06,264 --> 00:00:08,223 Is that the sass we love or the backtalk we hate? 5 00:00:08,266 --> 00:00:09,702 - Unclear. - Yeah. 6 00:00:09,746 --> 00:00:11,095 You know, there's a fine line between quippy and mean. 7 00:00:11,139 --> 00:00:13,489 I show her "Golden Girls." It's just not sinking in. 8 00:00:13,532 --> 00:00:15,012 Okay. Honey? 9 00:00:15,056 --> 00:00:16,927 Honey, it's gonna be fun. 10 00:00:16,971 --> 00:00:18,668 - Longines said lots of kids are gonna be there. - Yeah. 11 00:00:18,711 --> 00:00:20,888 Exactly. I'm not gonna wear a bathing suit 12 00:00:20,931 --> 00:00:22,933 in front of a bunch of judgy tweens. 13 00:00:22,977 --> 00:00:24,674 Ah. 14 00:00:24,717 --> 00:00:25,775 It's Daddy time. 15 00:00:26,719 --> 00:00:28,069 Now? 16 00:00:28,112 --> 00:00:29,853 Shouldn't we go talk to Lily? 17 00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:31,899 Oh. 18 00:00:32,725 --> 00:00:34,336 - Hey! - Hey! 19 00:00:34,379 --> 00:00:35,523 Aw, hell. 20 00:00:36,251 --> 00:00:38,253 Honey, what have we always taught you? 21 00:00:38,296 --> 00:00:40,081 Love who you are, as you are. 22 00:00:40,124 --> 00:00:42,257 Yes! Being comfortable in your skin 23 00:00:42,300 --> 00:00:44,128 is the most attractive thing. 24 00:00:44,172 --> 00:00:45,782 I mean, look at us. 25 00:00:45,826 --> 00:00:47,784 We're hardly Christy Turlington and Naomi Campbell... 26 00:00:47,828 --> 00:00:48,916 Could've picked dudes. 27 00:00:48,959 --> 00:00:50,787 ...but we know what we have to offer, 28 00:00:50,831 --> 00:00:52,702 and we're proud of it. 29 00:00:52,745 --> 00:00:54,138 Look, it's important that you go to this party 30 00:00:54,182 --> 00:00:56,314 and you... you feel good about who you are. 31 00:00:56,358 --> 00:01:00,014 - I mean, you have a gorgeous body. - No, thank you. 32 00:01:00,057 --> 00:01:01,667 Yeah, you're a little hottie! 33 00:01:01,711 --> 00:01:03,756 - Pass! - I mean, if I were a cartoon wolf and I saw you, 34 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:05,367 - my eyes would be like "Aah-ooo-gaa!" - Stop! 35 00:01:05,410 --> 00:01:07,891 I will go if you never talk to me like this again. 36 00:01:07,935 --> 00:01:09,110 Hmm. 37 00:01:22,073 --> 00:01:25,517 So, Mr. Boss, how did I do at the open house? 38 00:01:25,561 --> 00:01:27,171 Uh, honestly? 39 00:01:27,215 --> 00:01:30,000 Your vibe was kinda tense and the staging was so-so. 40 00:01:30,044 --> 00:01:32,960 This is big time, Gloria. You're not a homemaker anymore. 41 00:01:33,003 --> 00:01:35,919 I need you baking cookies, fluffing pillows, 42 00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:37,921 being bright and cheery for our guests. 43 00:01:37,965 --> 00:01:42,404 Son of a preacher man! Someone stole our sign again! 44 00:01:42,447 --> 00:01:45,842 What kind of sick mind messes with a man's livelihood? 45 00:01:45,886 --> 00:01:47,626 You're kidding. Another one? 46 00:01:47,670 --> 00:01:48,976 I'm afraid so, Lindsay. 47 00:01:49,019 --> 00:01:50,629 Who keeps taking our signs? 48 00:01:50,673 --> 00:01:52,805 Don't worry, Sam, we're going to find out. 49 00:01:52,849 --> 00:01:54,155 Miss, do you have any enemies? 50 00:01:54,198 --> 00:01:55,591 Are you in a blood feud? 51 00:01:55,634 --> 00:01:56,940 Gloria. 52 00:01:56,984 --> 00:01:59,421 Have you recently joined a political opposition? 53 00:01:59,464 --> 00:02:02,119 I-I-If... If I may... Lindsay, we're gonna get you a new sign, 54 00:02:02,163 --> 00:02:05,166 um, find out who's doing this, and put a stop to it. 55 00:02:05,209 --> 00:02:07,559 Okay, G, time to let you in 56 00:02:07,603 --> 00:02:09,387 on the dark underbelly of our business. 57 00:02:09,431 --> 00:02:13,000 Someone is trying to take money from my pockets, 58 00:02:13,043 --> 00:02:14,305 and I need to find out who. 59 00:02:14,349 --> 00:02:16,742 Do you need me to go and shake some trees for you? 60 00:02:16,786 --> 00:02:18,440 I did that kind of job in Colombia. 61 00:02:18,483 --> 00:02:20,964 I didn't get paid, but I got great references, 62 00:02:21,008 --> 00:02:22,835 and my cousin got to keep one ear. 63 00:02:22,879 --> 00:02:24,837 Oh, I-I-I-I'll handle it. 64 00:02:24,881 --> 00:02:27,405 - Okay. - But I do need you to replace that sign ASAP. 65 00:02:27,449 --> 00:02:29,842 A-A post without a sign is so humiliating. 66 00:02:29,886 --> 00:02:31,409 Oh, did it sell? 67 00:02:31,453 --> 00:02:32,758 No! 68 00:02:32,802 --> 00:02:34,195 - This is anarchy! - Oh! 69 00:02:35,674 --> 00:02:37,372 Keep going! 70 00:02:37,415 --> 00:02:39,591 My internship with Phil is almost over. 71 00:02:39,635 --> 00:02:42,333 He said that he would hire me full time if I did good. 72 00:02:42,377 --> 00:02:45,249 So, I need to find who's stealing his signs 73 00:02:45,293 --> 00:02:46,468 to prove my worth. 74 00:02:46,511 --> 00:02:48,600 Luckily, I have a plan. 75 00:02:48,644 --> 00:02:51,429 A couple of weeks ago, Jay put a tracker thingy on Stella 76 00:02:51,473 --> 00:02:53,127 because she kept getting out. 77 00:02:53,170 --> 00:02:55,694 She was down the block, mooning over that Chihuahua again. 78 00:02:55,738 --> 00:02:57,131 I mean, what does she see in him? 79 00:02:57,174 --> 00:02:58,436 He thinks he's so cool 80 00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:01,048 with that dumb handkerchief around his neck. 81 00:03:01,091 --> 00:03:03,137 I'm going to steal Stella's tracker, 82 00:03:03,180 --> 00:03:05,878 and I'm gonna hide it on the sign to catch the crook. 83 00:03:05,922 --> 00:03:08,142 And then maybe Stella will get some alone time 84 00:03:08,185 --> 00:03:09,578 with her Chihuahua. 85 00:03:09,621 --> 00:03:11,362 With that pushed-in face, 86 00:03:11,406 --> 00:03:14,148 she could do a lot worse than a Latin lover. 87 00:03:14,191 --> 00:03:15,410 Here you go, Ms. Dunphy. 88 00:03:15,453 --> 00:03:18,021 Nice and hot, like you like it. 89 00:03:18,065 --> 00:03:19,936 He's nice and hot, like I like it. 90 00:03:19,980 --> 00:03:21,198 - Mom. - Wow. 91 00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:24,288 No, it's cool. Time's up for dudes, not us. 92 00:03:24,332 --> 00:03:25,637 I mean, how great is this? 93 00:03:25,681 --> 00:03:29,250 The Dunphy ladies crushing life, having it all. 94 00:03:29,293 --> 00:03:31,208 Okay, take it down a notch. We know what you're doing. 95 00:03:31,252 --> 00:03:32,383 My mom was trying to show us 96 00:03:32,427 --> 00:03:34,298 how great it is to be a working woman 97 00:03:34,342 --> 00:03:36,692 'cause she knows how torn I am about leaving my babies. 98 00:03:36,735 --> 00:03:40,043 It's like, oh, it'll break my heart to be away from them, 99 00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:42,089 but as a feminist, 100 00:03:42,132 --> 00:03:44,178 I want to show those snarky bitches at the office 101 00:03:44,221 --> 00:03:45,875 how fast my body bounced back. 102 00:03:45,918 --> 00:03:47,094 Mom obviously wants me 103 00:03:47,137 --> 00:03:50,097 to take this big corporate job offer I got, 104 00:03:50,140 --> 00:03:53,187 but they're all so corrupt and mercenary. 105 00:03:53,230 --> 00:03:55,276 I want to use science to improve the world, 106 00:03:55,319 --> 00:03:56,842 like I did in Antarctica. 107 00:03:56,886 --> 00:03:59,062 Back off, you disgusting snow chicken! 108 00:03:59,106 --> 00:04:01,151 Do not [BLEEP] with me! 109 00:04:01,195 --> 00:04:04,198 Alex, Antarctica made you miserable, 110 00:04:04,241 --> 00:04:06,113 and, Haley, you were really blossoming at work. 111 00:04:06,156 --> 00:04:09,246 And I get it, but I regret not going back to work sooner, 112 00:04:09,290 --> 00:04:10,465 and I don't want you to resent your children. 113 00:04:10,508 --> 00:04:11,640 Like you did? 114 00:04:11,683 --> 00:04:14,077 As was the fashion at the time. 115 00:04:15,252 --> 00:04:17,559 - Work. - Everybody needs Claire. 116 00:04:17,915 --> 00:04:19,300 I love it. 117 00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:21,345 Hey, Margaret. What's going on, sweetie? 118 00:04:21,389 --> 00:04:23,478 I'm here with our lawyer. 119 00:04:23,521 --> 00:04:26,568 Apparently, there's been some kind of a data breach. 120 00:04:26,611 --> 00:04:28,222 She'd like you to swing by. 121 00:04:28,265 --> 00:04:30,311 Well, that's gonna have to wait till Monday 122 00:04:30,354 --> 00:04:33,531 because I am having lunch downstairs with my girls. 123 00:04:33,575 --> 00:04:36,186 So, you enjoy your new hummingbird feeder. 124 00:04:36,230 --> 00:04:38,014 I am loving those pics. 125 00:04:39,146 --> 00:04:41,235 She's a bit of a cautionary tale. 126 00:04:41,278 --> 00:04:44,020 Haley, you have to admit it feels good 127 00:04:44,064 --> 00:04:46,457 to put on nice clothes and get out in the world 128 00:04:46,501 --> 00:04:49,243 and not have anyone pawing at your boobs for two seconds. 129 00:04:49,286 --> 00:04:50,896 Oh, God, yes! 130 00:04:50,940 --> 00:04:52,681 Dylan is really going through something. 131 00:04:52,724 --> 00:04:54,204 I think he might be regressing. 132 00:04:54,248 --> 00:04:55,249 To what? 133 00:04:55,292 --> 00:04:59,253 And, Alex, I know what that company is offering you. 134 00:04:59,296 --> 00:05:01,124 Doesn't it feel nice to be wanted? 135 00:05:01,168 --> 00:05:04,345 Of course it does, but I don't want to sell out. 136 00:05:04,388 --> 00:05:08,262 There is nothing wrong with taking care of Alex first. 137 00:05:08,305 --> 00:05:10,307 Hey, you can save the world on the weekends 138 00:05:10,351 --> 00:05:12,353 with all the money you're gonna make. 139 00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:14,311 ? She works hard for the money ? 140 00:05:14,355 --> 00:05:16,357 - Sing it with me. - We don't know what that is. 141 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:18,489 ? So hard for it, honey ? 142 00:05:18,533 --> 00:05:20,187 Are you making this up? 143 00:05:20,230 --> 00:05:21,405 ? She works hard for the money ? 144 00:05:21,449 --> 00:05:23,015 Sorry to interrupt. 145 00:05:23,059 --> 00:05:24,234 - Hi, girls. - Hi. 146 00:05:24,278 --> 00:05:26,193 I need to borrow your mom for a bit. 147 00:05:26,236 --> 00:05:28,282 Okay. 148 00:05:28,325 --> 00:05:31,981 So, you know how our smart closets have scanning cameras 149 00:05:32,024 --> 00:05:33,548 so people can try on clothes virtually? 150 00:05:33,591 --> 00:05:35,941 - Uh-huh. - Apparently, we have been recording people 151 00:05:35,985 --> 00:05:37,291 without their knowledge. 152 00:05:37,334 --> 00:05:38,640 Or their clothes. 153 00:05:38,683 --> 00:05:40,294 Oh, my God. 154 00:05:40,337 --> 00:05:42,383 I have one of those closets. 155 00:05:42,426 --> 00:05:45,037 Oh. I-I talk sexy to the mirror in there. 156 00:05:45,081 --> 00:05:46,517 What if those movies get out? 157 00:05:46,561 --> 00:05:48,650 I can't have my mother seeing them. 158 00:05:48,693 --> 00:05:50,434 - Okay, hang on. - Mm-hmm. 159 00:05:50,478 --> 00:05:52,567 Hey, girls, I'm gonna be back in a sec. 160 00:05:52,610 --> 00:05:55,222 I'm just gonna run upstairs and sing "Happy Birthday" to Josie. 161 00:05:55,265 --> 00:05:56,658 Just make her day. 162 00:05:56,701 --> 00:05:59,182 God, work is so rewarding. 163 00:05:59,226 --> 00:06:01,097 I almost forgot what her face looks like 164 00:06:01,141 --> 00:06:02,272 when she's telling the truth. 165 00:06:02,316 --> 00:06:03,317 Yeah. 166 00:06:04,016 --> 00:06:05,406 Come on, Manny! 167 00:06:05,449 --> 00:06:06,507 Where the hell's your mother? 168 00:06:08,148 --> 00:06:09,845 That's what you're wearing to my club? 169 00:06:09,888 --> 00:06:11,238 I'm headed right for the spa, 170 00:06:11,281 --> 00:06:13,370 and their robes stink like old rich guys... 171 00:06:13,414 --> 00:06:15,024 cigars, Scotch, 172 00:06:15,067 --> 00:06:17,418 and the panicked sweat of impending irrelevance. 173 00:06:17,461 --> 00:06:19,028 Easy, Hemingway, we earned that smell. 174 00:06:19,266 --> 00:06:20,320 Hola! 175 00:06:20,335 --> 00:06:23,119 Finally, she's here! Hurry! We're gonna be late! 176 00:06:23,163 --> 00:06:24,555 I am sorry. I'm only here for a few seconds. 177 00:06:24,599 --> 00:06:25,600 I have to go back to work. 178 00:06:25,643 --> 00:06:26,654 Again? 179 00:06:26,697 --> 00:06:28,864 Jay, I finally found a job that I love. 180 00:06:28,907 --> 00:06:31,301 That's why I've been humping my bust. 181 00:06:31,345 --> 00:06:33,434 - Is that the right way... - No. No. No, no. It's not. 182 00:06:33,477 --> 00:06:36,350 I promise you, I am all yours this afternoon. 183 00:06:36,393 --> 00:06:39,091 - Eh. - Stella, mama! 184 00:06:39,135 --> 00:06:41,616 You're gonna take good care of my boys, right? 185 00:06:41,659 --> 00:06:44,271 You're gonna take good care. 186 00:06:44,314 --> 00:06:45,315 Don't patronize her. 187 00:06:45,359 --> 00:06:47,361 Be a constant presence in her life 188 00:06:47,404 --> 00:06:49,319 or you'll stoke her abandonment issues. 189 00:06:49,363 --> 00:06:50,712 Gloria's been working a ton, 190 00:06:50,755 --> 00:06:53,236 so I've been picking up the slack at home, which is fine. 191 00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:56,718 It's just, even when she's here, she's not here. 192 00:06:56,761 --> 00:06:58,226 Guess what happened today. 193 00:06:58,415 --> 00:06:59,721 So, I'm at the park with Joe. 194 00:06:59,764 --> 00:07:02,463 Now, you know all the nannies think that Dakota's mom 195 00:07:02,506 --> 00:07:04,378 and Luca's dad are "twisting the sheets"? 196 00:07:04,421 --> 00:07:08,817 Well, this morning, they came together, sipping coffees, 197 00:07:08,860 --> 00:07:10,688 leaning up against the jungle gym, 198 00:07:10,732 --> 00:07:12,386 giggling like it's nothing. 199 00:07:12,429 --> 00:07:14,056 Now, they had to know what that looked like. 200 00:07:14,826 --> 00:07:16,694 Ay, my little busy bee. 201 00:07:16,738 --> 00:07:19,175 Tell me when dinner is ready. You're the best. 202 00:07:20,698 --> 00:07:22,265 Why, yes, Gloria. 203 00:07:22,309 --> 00:07:24,702 This is a new track suit. Thanks for noticing. 204 00:07:24,746 --> 00:07:26,530 It's not that hard. 205 00:07:26,574 --> 00:07:29,141 Oh, it's so hot. I can't wait to jump in that pool. 206 00:07:29,185 --> 00:07:30,186 I never said I'd get in the pool. 207 00:07:30,230 --> 00:07:31,318 Okay, Lily, stop. 208 00:07:31,361 --> 00:07:33,145 You are an exotic Vietnamese beauty. 209 00:07:33,189 --> 00:07:34,625 Scarlett Johansson would play you in a movie 210 00:07:34,669 --> 00:07:36,323 until Twitter told her she couldn't. 211 00:07:36,366 --> 00:07:37,628 Doesn't matter what other people think of us. 212 00:07:37,672 --> 00:07:39,413 - It matters what we think of ourselves. - Right. 213 00:07:39,456 --> 00:07:42,503 Oh. Great. 214 00:07:42,546 --> 00:07:43,982 It's all gays. I can do whatever I want. 215 00:07:44,026 --> 00:07:46,028 - I'm invisible. - Aah! 216 00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:49,118 I'm okay! 217 00:07:49,161 --> 00:07:51,312 Hey, girl, hey. Hey, girl, hey. 218 00:07:51,355 --> 00:07:52,356 Wait, what's going on? I thought you said 219 00:07:52,357 --> 00:07:53,457 there were gonna be kids at this party. 220 00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:55,124 No, I said young people. 221 00:07:55,167 --> 00:07:56,430 Look at the pool. 222 00:07:56,473 --> 00:07:58,693 It's boy soup. 223 00:07:58,736 --> 00:08:00,390 I like me some eye candy. 224 00:08:00,434 --> 00:08:02,523 Okay, well, we like actual candy. 225 00:08:02,566 --> 00:08:05,352 - Okay, we... we can't take our shirts off at this smoke show. - Yeah. 226 00:08:05,395 --> 00:08:08,180 Calm down. You aren't even close to the oldest ones here. 227 00:08:08,224 --> 00:08:09,443 Look. 228 00:08:09,486 --> 00:08:10,574 - Oh. - Oh, thank God. 229 00:08:10,618 --> 00:08:12,576 - I was feeling... - Well, I guess that... 230 00:08:12,620 --> 00:08:14,578 - Mm. - Okay, my grandma was right. 231 00:08:14,622 --> 00:08:15,998 I ended up in Hell. 232 00:08:17,827 --> 00:08:19,328 I thought about which of my competitors 233 00:08:19,345 --> 00:08:20,983 might want to take me down, 234 00:08:21,082 --> 00:08:24,153 and I kept coming back to one guy... 235 00:08:24,196 --> 00:08:26,024 Gil Thorpe. 236 00:08:26,068 --> 00:08:27,330 A man tells you enough times 237 00:08:27,374 --> 00:08:29,332 he's gonna "thorpedo" your career, 238 00:08:29,376 --> 00:08:31,769 you start to believe he might do something "therrible." 239 00:08:31,813 --> 00:08:35,251 Well, not this time. 240 00:08:43,259 --> 00:08:44,739 Easy on the pressure there, Albert. 241 00:08:44,782 --> 00:08:47,219 Sorry. It's my first time. 242 00:08:47,263 --> 00:08:49,570 - Dunphy? - That's right. 243 00:08:49,613 --> 00:08:51,485 Well, look at you... landed on your feet 244 00:08:51,528 --> 00:08:54,357 after the real estate business chewed you up and spit you out. 245 00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:56,707 It didn't spit me out. I'm here to scare you. 246 00:08:56,751 --> 00:08:58,405 By Sweeney Todd-ing me? 247 00:08:58,448 --> 00:08:59,797 Don't emasculate my move. 248 00:08:59,841 --> 00:09:01,495 I'm Celie from "The Color Purple." 249 00:09:01,538 --> 00:09:03,061 Now, stay still. 250 00:09:03,105 --> 00:09:06,935 I'd hate for you to lose your head, like I lost my si... 251 00:09:06,978 --> 00:09:08,415 Son of a... Ah! I dropped it. 252 00:09:08,458 --> 00:09:10,634 Where's the blue stuff? 253 00:09:10,678 --> 00:09:12,593 Just admit it. 254 00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:14,638 You've been taking the signs off my house on Sycamore. 255 00:09:14,682 --> 00:09:16,553 Phil, I'm gay now. 256 00:09:16,597 --> 00:09:18,729 Between pumping iron and bummin' out my dad, 257 00:09:18,773 --> 00:09:20,644 I don't have time for our petty rivalry. 258 00:09:20,688 --> 00:09:23,995 But if you ask me, 259 00:09:24,039 --> 00:09:25,823 this stunt's got Sue Liu written all over it. 260 00:09:25,867 --> 00:09:28,609 Sue Liu. 261 00:09:28,652 --> 00:09:30,088 Are you done? 262 00:09:30,132 --> 00:09:31,263 I have a showing at 10:00. 263 00:09:31,307 --> 00:09:32,961 Hello, Sue Liu. 264 00:09:33,004 --> 00:09:34,179 Phil. 265 00:09:34,223 --> 00:09:35,572 So glad you landed on your feet. 266 00:09:35,616 --> 00:09:37,574 I'm still a Realtor! 267 00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:42,405 Son of a bitch. Can one thing go my way? 268 00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:43,624 Penny for your thoughts? 269 00:09:43,667 --> 00:09:45,469 Why? It'd just be my penny anyway. 270 00:09:45,513 --> 00:09:46,583 Obviously you're hurt 271 00:09:46,627 --> 00:09:48,455 because Mom's been neglecting you lately. 272 00:09:48,498 --> 00:09:50,761 - Can I give you a little advice? - Nope. 273 00:09:50,805 --> 00:09:52,546 - Please don't ice her. - I'm gonna ice her. 274 00:09:52,589 --> 00:09:53,808 Jay, you're just gonna make things worse 275 00:09:53,851 --> 00:09:54,909 if you act like a child. 276 00:09:54,952 --> 00:09:56,114 Hey, I'm a child. 277 00:09:56,158 --> 00:09:58,856 That triggers me and hurts my feelings. 278 00:09:58,900 --> 00:10:00,554 Damn hippie private school. 279 00:10:00,597 --> 00:10:03,339 Who's gonna fight the wars, guys? Who? 280 00:10:03,383 --> 00:10:06,647 Rather than push Mom away, give her a reason to come home. 281 00:10:06,690 --> 00:10:07,865 For years, women have been waiting at their door 282 00:10:07,909 --> 00:10:10,128 for their husbands, martini in hand, 283 00:10:10,172 --> 00:10:11,652 wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. 284 00:10:11,695 --> 00:10:13,131 Maybe it's your turn. 285 00:10:13,175 --> 00:10:14,872 You don't want to see this in Saran Wrap. 286 00:10:14,916 --> 00:10:17,440 It's a metaphor. Come on. 287 00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:20,356 Do something sweet, and I bet the whole thing turns around. 288 00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,706 Who knows better how to love my mother, me or you? 289 00:10:22,750 --> 00:10:25,143 You better get a job with mental-health benefits 290 00:10:25,187 --> 00:10:27,276 before all that bubbles up. 291 00:10:27,319 --> 00:10:28,538 So, what is our legal liability? 292 00:10:30,540 --> 00:10:32,586 - Oh, me? - You're our lawyer, right? 293 00:10:32,629 --> 00:10:34,109 Right. Well, 294 00:10:34,152 --> 00:10:35,676 still getting updates, but so far, 295 00:10:35,719 --> 00:10:37,460 we know the Peeping Toms were a couple of our engineers. 296 00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:39,244 Whatever happened to the good old days 297 00:10:39,288 --> 00:10:41,072 when people just drilled a hole in the wall? 298 00:10:41,116 --> 00:10:42,683 That's the stand you want to take? 299 00:10:42,726 --> 00:10:44,511 We can keep this contained, right? 300 00:10:44,554 --> 00:10:46,338 I mean, our fingerprints aren't on it. 301 00:10:46,382 --> 00:10:49,646 I'm super sorry to do this, but... activate closet. 302 00:10:49,961 --> 00:10:51,692 Hello, there. 303 00:10:51,735 --> 00:10:53,520 Are you ready to get undressed? 304 00:10:53,563 --> 00:10:55,478 Why did I agree to do that? 305 00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:56,914 Stand at the mirror and turn around 306 00:10:56,958 --> 00:10:58,873 so I can assess your body. 307 00:10:58,916 --> 00:11:01,179 I'm basically a porn director. 308 00:11:01,223 --> 00:11:02,354 What do we do? 309 00:11:04,008 --> 00:11:05,314 Oh, me again? 310 00:11:05,357 --> 00:11:07,403 Um, gosh, I don't know. 311 00:11:07,447 --> 00:11:08,970 They don't teach you this at Harvard... 312 00:11:09,013 --> 00:11:10,711 - or where I went. - Mom? 313 00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:13,540 ? ...birthday to you ? 314 00:11:13,583 --> 00:11:15,498 No luck getting people to sing with you today, huh? 315 00:11:15,542 --> 00:11:16,543 Are you okay? 316 00:11:16,586 --> 00:11:17,935 You seemed stressed when you left. 317 00:11:17,979 --> 00:11:19,502 - No, I'm fine. - Oh, no! 318 00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:20,503 Not now. 319 00:11:20,547 --> 00:11:21,852 The server with the dirty pictures got hacked. 320 00:11:21,896 --> 00:11:23,463 They could be anywhere. This is so bad. 321 00:11:24,681 --> 00:11:25,930 Oh, me "not now"? 322 00:11:26,161 --> 00:11:27,858 Hacked dirty pictures? 323 00:11:27,902 --> 00:11:29,164 Mom, what is going on? 324 00:11:29,207 --> 00:11:30,892 Uh, don't answer that. She could be wearing a wire. 325 00:11:30,935 --> 00:11:31,993 Oh, no. It's just a bad bra. 326 00:11:32,036 --> 00:11:33,777 Oh, my God. 327 00:11:33,821 --> 00:11:34,952 The pictures from our closets 328 00:11:34,996 --> 00:11:36,345 are all over a Russian porn site. 329 00:11:36,388 --> 00:11:38,956 Oh, geez. My mother doesn't know I have a tattoo. 330 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:40,523 I knew I shouldn't have taken a corporate job! 331 00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:42,505 Why didn't I stay home with my babies?! 332 00:11:43,918 --> 00:11:46,747 Yeah, you were a bad hire. 333 00:11:46,790 --> 00:11:48,662 Okay, come on. 334 00:11:48,705 --> 00:11:50,794 Why don't we just tell Lily one of us isn't feeling well and leave? 335 00:11:50,838 --> 00:11:52,404 We can't. 336 00:11:52,448 --> 00:11:54,015 We just took a giant stand about loving our hideous bodies. 337 00:11:54,058 --> 00:11:56,539 Dads! Get in the pool! 338 00:11:56,583 --> 00:11:57,932 - Oh, my God. - She's making people look at us. 339 00:11:57,975 --> 00:11:59,194 Okay, yeah, maybe in a sec! 340 00:12:00,848 --> 00:12:02,023 Okay, we have to hide from her. 341 00:12:02,066 --> 00:12:03,807 You have to admit, the irony of this is delicious. 342 00:12:03,851 --> 00:12:05,374 Yeah, well, look at us. 343 00:12:05,417 --> 00:12:07,332 Apparently we think everything is delicious. 344 00:12:07,376 --> 00:12:08,682 I'm ashamed of how ashamed we are. 345 00:12:08,725 --> 00:12:09,987 I mean, what other grown men 346 00:12:10,031 --> 00:12:12,120 would be so consumed by their own vanity? 347 00:12:12,163 --> 00:12:13,469 Ah! Close the door! 348 00:12:13,513 --> 00:12:15,776 They can smell the decay! 349 00:12:15,819 --> 00:12:17,647 It's just Mitch and Cam. 350 00:12:17,691 --> 00:12:19,780 We were afraid you were one of the beautiful boys. 351 00:12:19,823 --> 00:12:21,129 Please, I've never felt so hairy. 352 00:12:21,172 --> 00:12:22,783 Well, get in line. 353 00:12:22,826 --> 00:12:24,219 This queen only has one trimmer. 354 00:12:24,262 --> 00:12:26,830 How horrible is this party? 355 00:12:26,874 --> 00:12:28,571 I'm a skinny little girl with twig arms. 356 00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:30,399 It's all anyone's talking about. 357 00:12:30,442 --> 00:12:31,966 I told some twink by the crudités 358 00:12:32,009 --> 00:12:33,924 that I was swollen from a kidney transplant. 359 00:12:33,968 --> 00:12:36,623 Well, then you have an excuse. Let me on that elliptical. 360 00:12:36,666 --> 00:12:38,755 I haven't felt this white since I loved the movie "Green Book." 361 00:12:38,799 --> 00:12:40,017 Alright, bronzer me. 362 00:12:40,061 --> 00:12:41,149 And I don't want you to be stingy. 363 00:12:41,192 --> 00:12:44,544 I want it everywhere. Everywhere. 364 00:12:46,023 --> 00:12:48,025 I replaced the sign 365 00:12:48,069 --> 00:12:50,506 and attached Stella's GPS tracker to the back, 366 00:12:50,550 --> 00:12:52,726 and then I headed home to Jay. 367 00:12:54,354 --> 00:12:55,424 Hello? 368 00:12:55,467 --> 00:12:57,034 Hey, honey. You get my text? 369 00:12:57,078 --> 00:13:00,603 I did. An eggplant and a peach emoji. 370 00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:02,605 Does that mean what I think it means? 371 00:13:02,649 --> 00:13:03,867 You bet. 372 00:13:03,911 --> 00:13:06,174 I ordered eggplant Parmesan and peach cobbler. 373 00:13:06,217 --> 00:13:08,698 Yum. I'll be home in a few minutes. 374 00:13:09,595 --> 00:13:10,613 Ay. 375 00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:12,310 - What? - Eh, nothing. 376 00:13:12,354 --> 00:13:14,182 I have a flat tire. 377 00:13:14,225 --> 00:13:16,097 I'm gonna call A.A. to get it fixed. 378 00:13:16,140 --> 00:13:17,838 No, Triple-A fixes tires. 379 00:13:17,881 --> 00:13:19,448 A.A. is that alcoholic cult, 380 00:13:19,491 --> 00:13:21,537 makes your friends no fun anymore. 381 00:13:21,581 --> 00:13:23,104 I'll come fix the tire. 382 00:13:23,147 --> 00:13:24,409 No, no, no, no, no. I'll do it. 383 00:13:24,453 --> 00:13:26,194 This is another work thing, isn't it? 384 00:13:26,237 --> 00:13:27,674 I am losing you! 385 00:13:27,717 --> 00:13:29,284 I am in a tunnel! 386 00:13:29,327 --> 00:13:30,777 There's no tunnels! 387 00:13:31,373 --> 00:13:35,333 I can't believe I even considered that for you! 388 00:13:35,377 --> 00:13:39,555 Alls I'm saying is the other families had alibis, 389 00:13:39,599 --> 00:13:42,689 and you wouldn't be the first mother/son crime duo in history. 390 00:13:42,732 --> 00:13:45,909 I told you, Phil, we didn't steal your sign. 391 00:13:45,953 --> 00:13:47,650 We slept in this morning. 392 00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:49,652 Mother and I went clubbing last night. 393 00:13:49,696 --> 00:13:51,306 We went looking for a husband 394 00:13:51,349 --> 00:13:52,873 but lost ourselves on the dance floor. 395 00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:55,658 Nice try, but I'm not buying what you're selling. 396 00:13:55,702 --> 00:13:58,052 Confess! I can do this all day! 397 00:13:58,095 --> 00:13:59,099 Or... 398 00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:01,229 ...six more times! 399 00:14:01,537 --> 00:14:02,883 Phil! 400 00:14:02,926 --> 00:14:04,641 I'm tracking the thief that stole our sign! 401 00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:06,678 Hurry! He's getting away! 402 00:14:08,758 --> 00:14:11,761 I guess this new information bursts my balloon. 403 00:14:11,805 --> 00:14:13,676 I bid you good day. 404 00:14:14,519 --> 00:14:16,461 Well, somebody should enjoy this. 405 00:14:16,505 --> 00:14:17,941 - I'm hungry. - Stella! 406 00:14:19,987 --> 00:14:21,684 She's probably down the street 407 00:14:21,728 --> 00:14:23,033 playing with that greasy Chihuahua. 408 00:14:23,077 --> 00:14:24,165 Where'd I go wrong? 409 00:14:24,208 --> 00:14:26,689 Why doesn't she know she deserves better? 410 00:14:26,733 --> 00:14:28,822 I think I have some old cheese puffs in my room. 411 00:14:28,865 --> 00:14:29,910 Damn it! 412 00:14:29,953 --> 00:14:31,768 How'd you get all the way across town?! 413 00:14:31,812 --> 00:14:32,869 I'm coming, baby! 414 00:14:32,913 --> 00:14:34,131 I'm coming! 415 00:14:40,529 --> 00:14:42,749 Hey, J... Nah. 416 00:14:45,969 --> 00:14:47,492 Alex, what are you doing? 417 00:14:47,536 --> 00:14:48,755 Turning down this job 418 00:14:48,798 --> 00:14:50,844 before corporate evil corrodes my insides. 419 00:14:50,887 --> 00:14:51,888 And I am not leaving my babies 420 00:14:51,932 --> 00:14:54,325 so that I can be this stressed and miserable. 421 00:14:54,369 --> 00:14:55,370 I'm going to jail. 422 00:14:55,413 --> 00:14:56,632 I signed things without reading them. 423 00:14:56,676 --> 00:14:57,938 What if I helped the pervs? 424 00:14:57,981 --> 00:14:59,330 What if I put the gun in their hand? 425 00:14:59,374 --> 00:15:00,767 Doesn't sound like it was a gun in their hand. 426 00:15:00,810 --> 00:15:02,769 Solid. 427 00:15:02,812 --> 00:15:05,293 Well, it's been a great 40 years. 428 00:15:05,336 --> 00:15:09,427 In the words of my tattoo... peace out. 429 00:15:09,471 --> 00:15:10,994 Well... 430 00:15:11,038 --> 00:15:12,300 Margaret! 431 00:15:12,343 --> 00:15:15,172 Oh, it's okay. I don't work here anymore. 432 00:15:15,216 --> 00:15:16,870 - Yeah, I'm out, too. - Yeah, I'm not going down with this ship. 433 00:15:16,913 --> 00:15:18,175 No, no, no! Stop! No one's leaving. 434 00:15:18,219 --> 00:15:20,351 We're not gonna let one little misstep 435 00:15:20,395 --> 00:15:23,311 make us forget everything this company has given us. 436 00:15:23,354 --> 00:15:25,922 I loved being a stay-at-home mom. I did. 437 00:15:25,966 --> 00:15:29,665 But working here has given me a whole new sense of self. 438 00:15:29,709 --> 00:15:31,188 And come on. 439 00:15:31,232 --> 00:15:33,147 One mistake does not make us evil. 440 00:15:33,190 --> 00:15:34,626 We will come clean. 441 00:15:34,670 --> 00:15:37,629 We'll recall the product. We'll do whatever we have to do. 442 00:15:37,673 --> 00:15:42,243 Because under this tech B.S., there is a company we love. 443 00:15:42,286 --> 00:15:45,333 Look, we may no longer make smart closets, 444 00:15:45,376 --> 00:15:48,162 but we sure as hell are gonna make smart closets. 445 00:15:49,424 --> 00:15:51,643 Looking for a smart outfit? 446 00:15:51,687 --> 00:15:53,384 Maintain eye contact with the mirror 447 00:15:53,428 --> 00:15:55,212 and begin stripping down. 448 00:15:55,256 --> 00:15:56,997 I deeply regret that. 449 00:16:00,948 --> 00:16:02,350 Approaching Stella. 450 00:16:02,393 --> 00:16:04,265 Look! That's him on the bike! 451 00:16:04,308 --> 00:16:05,353 He's going off-road! 452 00:16:05,396 --> 00:16:08,182 Don't worry! I'm gonna catch this guy or die trying! 453 00:16:08,225 --> 00:16:09,923 I love your enthusiasm. 454 00:16:09,966 --> 00:16:12,055 One note, and... and this might be a second-language thing, 455 00:16:12,099 --> 00:16:13,113 but when you say "die"... 456 00:16:13,156 --> 00:16:15,711 No, no, no! He's getting away! 457 00:16:17,975 --> 00:16:19,367 Freeze! 458 00:16:19,410 --> 00:16:21,282 Jay? 459 00:16:21,325 --> 00:16:24,067 What a ray of light in a dark time. 460 00:16:24,111 --> 00:16:26,069 Shut up, Phil. Where's my dog? 461 00:16:26,113 --> 00:16:28,724 And what are you doing here? I thought you had a flat tire. 462 00:16:28,768 --> 00:16:32,293 I had to catch the thief that was stealing Phil's signs, 463 00:16:32,336 --> 00:16:35,296 so I put Stella's tracking thing on it. 464 00:16:35,339 --> 00:16:37,080 What? What if she's down the street 465 00:16:37,124 --> 00:16:38,647 with that over-sexed Chihuahua? 466 00:16:38,690 --> 00:16:41,911 Jay, she needs it, and you can't be her everything! 467 00:16:41,955 --> 00:16:44,218 Turn around, punk. I want to see your face. 468 00:16:45,872 --> 00:16:47,264 Sam? 469 00:16:47,308 --> 00:16:50,050 Why are you stealing signs from your own house? 470 00:16:50,093 --> 00:16:53,270 Oh. You don't want to move. 471 00:16:53,314 --> 00:16:55,185 I don't want to leave my friends. 472 00:16:55,229 --> 00:16:56,883 I get it. 473 00:16:56,926 --> 00:16:58,710 Change is hard. 474 00:16:58,754 --> 00:17:01,496 When I moved to this country, it was change. 475 00:17:01,539 --> 00:17:04,891 When I got married and moved to a mainly white neighborhood 476 00:17:04,934 --> 00:17:09,286 with kind of racist lawn statues, that was change. 477 00:17:09,330 --> 00:17:11,201 But we get to meet new people 478 00:17:11,245 --> 00:17:14,117 and we get to do new things that we love. 479 00:17:14,161 --> 00:17:16,032 12 years ago, I didn't know these people, 480 00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:18,730 and now I would kill for them. 481 00:17:18,774 --> 00:17:20,863 You'll find people like that, too. 482 00:17:20,907 --> 00:17:22,560 - I hope you're right. - I am. 483 00:17:22,604 --> 00:17:23,779 So, now let's go. 484 00:17:23,823 --> 00:17:25,346 Put that bike in my car, and I'll drive you home. 485 00:17:28,262 --> 00:17:30,742 Gloria, that was so terrific. 486 00:17:30,786 --> 00:17:31,874 I know. 487 00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:33,006 I am wonderful! 488 00:17:33,049 --> 00:17:35,791 Why don't you want to hire me? 489 00:17:35,835 --> 00:17:38,228 Because I was worried that it was a hobby to you, 490 00:17:38,272 --> 00:17:40,013 something to do till you got bored, 491 00:17:40,056 --> 00:17:42,102 but today, you really showed me something. 492 00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:43,886 - You're giving me the job? - Yeah. 493 00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:47,237 This means that I'm gonna have to work more... 494 00:17:47,281 --> 00:17:50,066 It's fine. If Sam can handle change, so can I. 495 00:17:50,110 --> 00:17:52,939 Welcome to Dunphy Realty, Ms. Delgado. 496 00:17:53,340 --> 00:17:55,289 Delgado? That's your working name? 497 00:17:55,332 --> 00:17:57,378 Man, the hits just keep comin'. 498 00:17:57,421 --> 00:18:00,816 Okay, before I do more, does this look natural? 499 00:18:00,860 --> 00:18:02,252 That's a tricky word 500 00:18:02,296 --> 00:18:04,559 because the color orange does appear in nature. 501 00:18:04,602 --> 00:18:06,387 Well, there you all are. 502 00:18:06,430 --> 00:18:08,389 Look, I love you, but you are literally 503 00:18:08,432 --> 00:18:10,913 the only six people here I don't want in my bedroom. 504 00:18:10,957 --> 00:18:13,263 Thanks. We weren't feeling insecure enough already. 505 00:18:13,307 --> 00:18:14,917 You know what I think? 506 00:18:14,961 --> 00:18:16,266 You only invited us 507 00:18:16,310 --> 00:18:19,748 because we make you look like the hot old guy! 508 00:18:19,791 --> 00:18:20,967 Old guy? I'm not old. 509 00:18:21,010 --> 00:18:23,186 Oh, please. Hide that hairline all you want. 510 00:18:23,230 --> 00:18:26,059 We know what year you danced on that Paula Abdul tour, 511 00:18:26,102 --> 00:18:27,147 and so do they. 512 00:18:27,190 --> 00:18:28,626 Oh, my God. 513 00:18:28,670 --> 00:18:30,367 I'm making a fool out of myself, aren't I? 514 00:18:30,624 --> 00:18:31,803 Straight up, now tell me. 515 00:18:31,847 --> 00:18:33,718 - Hi, honey. - Lily! 516 00:18:33,762 --> 00:18:34,763 Hey, girl, hey. 517 00:18:34,806 --> 00:18:36,504 I knew it. You're hiding. 518 00:18:36,547 --> 00:18:37,592 - No, no, no. - Oh, no, no. 519 00:18:37,635 --> 00:18:39,289 - T-They are, but we're not. - We're not. 520 00:18:39,333 --> 00:18:41,204 So, I'm supposed to love who I am, but you guys don't? 521 00:18:41,248 --> 00:18:42,989 Hypocrites. 522 00:18:44,207 --> 00:18:46,079 Tough love time? We dig her. 523 00:18:46,122 --> 00:18:47,994 It comes off a little mean. 524 00:18:48,037 --> 00:18:49,604 She's not mean. She's right. 525 00:18:49,647 --> 00:18:52,128 I mean, why are we so obsessed with how we look? 526 00:18:52,172 --> 00:18:53,956 So people will have sex with us? 527 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,654 But confidence is the sexiest thing. 528 00:18:56,698 --> 00:18:58,134 That sounds stupid, doesn't it? 529 00:18:58,178 --> 00:18:59,614 I'm sorry. 530 00:18:59,657 --> 00:19:00,963 Look at someone else. 531 00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:02,225 Okay, but you know what? 532 00:19:02,269 --> 00:19:03,966 Confidence is the most important thing. 533 00:19:04,010 --> 00:19:06,012 And look, maybe we've lost a little of our beauty, 534 00:19:06,055 --> 00:19:07,448 but we have a lot to be proud of. 535 00:19:07,491 --> 00:19:09,885 I-I'm a vice principal, I'm a dad, 536 00:19:09,929 --> 00:19:11,974 I'm the city's first openly gay football coach. 537 00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:14,107 And... And I'm a state prosecutor. 538 00:19:14,150 --> 00:19:16,761 Ronaldo has a business and a family. 539 00:19:16,805 --> 00:19:18,154 And... And Bobby... 540 00:19:18,198 --> 00:19:20,113 I mean, sure, his career's not on fire, 541 00:19:20,156 --> 00:19:21,984 but he looks great, and he's 50. 542 00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:25,379 I'm 37, you wicked old witch! 543 00:19:25,422 --> 00:19:27,120 But... But the point... 544 00:19:27,163 --> 00:19:30,263 Hey, the point is, at our age, 545 00:19:30,302 --> 00:19:34,910 we have earned the right to be comfortable with who we are. 546 00:19:34,954 --> 00:19:37,869 Now, let's get out there, set good examples 547 00:19:37,913 --> 00:19:40,394 for our children and our overly pampered pets. 548 00:19:40,437 --> 00:19:43,832 You with me? 549 00:20:14,689 --> 00:20:16,865 Whoo-hoo! 550 00:20:18,214 --> 00:20:19,868 The older we get, 551 00:20:19,911 --> 00:20:22,044 the harder it is to keep up with life's changes. 552 00:20:22,088 --> 00:20:25,047 We hold on to who we once were 553 00:20:25,091 --> 00:20:27,876 like it's the only way we could be happy. 554 00:20:30,922 --> 00:20:31,949 - Bye, buddy. - Bye, buddy. 555 00:20:31,993 --> 00:20:33,403 Bye-bye. 556 00:20:33,447 --> 00:20:35,405 But there are huge rewards when we take risks, 557 00:20:35,449 --> 00:20:38,191 embrace new experiences. 558 00:20:38,234 --> 00:20:40,280 I am a proud middle-aged man. 559 00:20:40,323 --> 00:20:43,022 This is what I look like, and I think I look sexy! 560 00:20:45,807 --> 00:20:47,461 Am I literally invisible to you people?! 561 00:20:50,789 --> 00:20:53,162 - Whew. - You know, I am so proud of us. 562 00:20:53,206 --> 00:20:54,468 We overcame a lot today. 563 00:20:54,511 --> 00:20:56,992 Yeah, you know, I feel so much lighter without all that shame. 564 00:20:57,036 --> 00:20:58,559 Although, I-I guess it wouldn't hurt us 565 00:20:58,602 --> 00:21:00,169 if we were actually lighter. 566 00:21:00,213 --> 00:21:02,737 Yeah. I mean, we could exercise more and both eat better. 567 00:21:02,780 --> 00:21:04,130 It would help if we got rid 568 00:21:04,173 --> 00:21:06,349 of some of these temptations, you know? 569 00:21:06,393 --> 00:21:08,569 Like, we don't need three different kinds of pasta. 570 00:21:08,612 --> 00:21:12,181 Right, and, you know, Parmesan cheese, heavy cream... 571 00:21:12,225 --> 00:21:14,401 I mean, it's just empty calories and fat. 572 00:21:16,925 --> 00:21:18,883 We're totally making fettuccini Alfredo, aren't we? 573 00:21:18,927 --> 00:21:20,363 Damn straight. We don't have another pool party for months. 574 00:21:20,407 --> 00:21:22,017 - I'll salt the water. - I'm gonna get wine. 575 00:21:24,933 --> 00:21:26,960 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com