- Abigail Baker? - Here.
Georgie Cooper?
Here.
Sheldon Cooper?
Georgie, where's your brother?
I don't know.
Good enough for me. Melissa Dixon?
Since I no longer had a college class
with Dr. Sturgis to stoke my intellectual fire,
I needed to find someone else who was up to the task
of being my mentor.
A great mind.
A once-in-a-generation thinker.
Fortunately, my schedule was wide open.
School's in session.
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Pastor Jeff, I just need your signature...
Oh. Uh, sorry.
I didn't realize you had a guest.
It's quite all right. You remember Robin?
Of course.
- So nice to see you again. - You, too.
- Well, I don't want to interrupt. - Actually,
I was just fixin' to head out.
- Already? - Yeah.
Discharged my firearm at a muskrat yesterday.
Lot of paperwork.
See you soon?
Yes, you will.
- Bye, Mrs. Cooper. - Bye.
That seems to be going well.
It's going really well.
I like her so much.
Why do you sound sad about it?
Well, this is hard for me to say out loud.
But when I'm around her, I find myself having...
you know.
I don't know.
Man thoughts.
Oh. But... you're the pastor.
You can't act on those.
Hence my sadness.
What are you gonna do?
I'm not sure.
I can't engage in a physical relationship
outside of holy matrimony.
Right?
- Right. - Right.
A solution is a homogenous mixture
consisting of a solute and a solvent.
The solute is the substance
that is being dissolved...
A squared plus B squared
equals...?
_
Aw.
And Pastor Jeff asked me
to hold him accountable so he doesn't succumb to temptation.
Well, how the heck you do that?
I'm not sure.
Probably have to give him the stink eye every so often.
The pastor's been married before.
Is it really that big a deal?
Yes, George. It states very clearly in the Bible:
"Among you there must not be even a hint of...
sexual...
immorality.
That book is a bummer sometimes.
It's no joke.
He could lose his job.
I guess I just don't get it.
Maybe because you only go to church when there's a bake sale.
- That's not nice. - It's true.
Doesn't make it nice.
Everything all right with Sheldon?
How much time you got?
- Why? - Hasn't been in P.E. since Monday.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
He's here. I drove him.
You check the places they like to stuff him?
Lockers, trash cans,
those bags we put the footballs in.
Nothing.
- Top of the flagpole? - Nope.
Hey, Hubert.
Was Sheldon in class today?
Nope. Haven't seen him all week.
Weren't you gonna say anything?
I didn't want to jinx it.
So he hasn't been in any of your classes?
- Mm-mm, not a one. - Nope.
But I bring him here, I take him home...
he's got to be somewhere in the building.
Mm, I might've seen him in the library.
But at this point, I sometimes think
I see him when I'm alone in my house.
Like that creepy Chucky doll in the movies?
Exactly!
Hey, Tam. I can't find Sheldon.
You know where he is?
I promised not to say.
Tam...
Lucky for you I'm weak.
Are you kidding me?
I knew Tam was weak.
What do you think you're doing?
Exploring the impact of the French invasion
on Imperial Russian society.
Well, get out of here.
You're going back to class.
No, I'm not.
Excuse me?
I don't learn anything in class.
But in here I've taught myself the applications
of gravitational lensing,
Faraday's law of magnetic induction,
and how to whistle.
Well, sound came out yesterday.
Y-You can't spend your day in a broom closet.
It's no longer a broom closet.
It's now a citadel of higher learning.
Which one says "Robin, I like you"
but also says "God is watching,
be cool"?
The blue one.
Mary, your husband's on the line.
- Excuse me. - Yeah, blue.
Definitely blue.
Although...
Everything okay?
Sheldon locked himself in a broom closet,
and he's refusing to go to class.
What's he doing in a closet?
Apparently, learning about Russia.
Well,
what do you want me to do?
I want you to handle it.
You're right there... why can't you handle it?
- 'Cause I'm at work. - So am I.
You know what I mean.
That you have a real job and I don't?
Mary, I have football practice in ten minutes, and I...
I don't have time to deal with this.
Well, you're gonna have to, 'cause I'm busy.
You tell him, sister.
The bolo tie's too sexy, right?
Knew it.
Hope you're happy... your mother and I are fighting now!
There's a closet, it... My son made a citadel.
Never mind.
- Sheldon, go to your room. - Gladly.
He's just gonna read in there.
I'd take away Professor Proton.
Stay out of this.
No more Professor Proton!
Aw.
That's how you do it.
I can't believe you didn't make him go to class.
You told me to handle it; I handled it.
That one's on you.
You didn't handle it. You didn't do anything.
I had to get to practice, and I made a decision.
He was in the building, he was safe, and he was learning.
He is never gonna improve his social skills
if he's sitting all alone.
He has to be around people.
Sounds like you know what he needs... go fix it.
'Cause I have to do everything, right?
Oh. Someone's sleeping on the couch tonight.
Get out of here!
Well, maybe Shel is
just acting out
'cause he doesn't have his college class
to go to anymore.
I could ask John's professor friend.
Maybe he'd let him sit in on a class.
And you are just bringing this up now?
I would've said something earlier,
but I was enjoying the fight.
Hello?
Hi, Dr. Linkletter.
- It's Connie Tucker. - Connie.
To what do I owe the pleasure?
- I need a favor. - Of course. Anything.
Should we discuss it over dinner?
I'll take a rain check on that.
I was hoping
that my grandson could join in your physics class
until John is, uh...
back.
From the mental hospital?
Yes.
The one he never told you he'd been in before?
Yes.
A curious ethical choice on his part, if you ask me.
Can he take the class or not?
Of course.
Although, I never taught a child before.
Is he potty-trained?
What are you doing?
Watching last week's Professor Proton in my mind.
Moon Pie?
Good news. You could start going
to your college class again.
Dr. Sturgis is back?
No, but his friend Dr. Linkletter
is gonna let you come and take his class.
But I take Dr. Sturgis's class.
I know, but that's not an option
right now, and Dr. Linkletter's been nice enough to...
to let you sit in on his.
But I like the way that Dr. Sturgis teaches.
Well, you might like the way
that Dr. Linkletter teaches even better.
- Is it lecture-based? - I don't know.
What's his interpretation of quantum mechanics?
I couldn't say. Where'd he get his doctorate?
From the University of Shut Up and Say Thank You.
Thank you.
I thought you were gonna take out the garbage.
I'm sorry. I was under the impression
you did everything around here.
You really want to start this again?
I contribute plenty,
and it wouldn't kill you to show a little appreciation.
I'll be sure to do that... as soon as I finish
the laundry, the dishes, the vacuuming,
the grocery shopping and helping Missy with her homework.
You like how my job pays for all the bills, right?
Stop acting like you're the only one with a job.
Mom! Pastor Jeff's on the phone.
I have to take this.
'Course you do.
Hi, Pastor Jeff.
Everything okay?
I'm in trouble.
Robin just got here.
She looks nice, and she smells even nicer.
Come on, now.
Uh, nothing smells better than eternal salvation.
I know. But we put so much thought
into my clothes, we didn't even think
about what she'd be wearing.
Why?
What's she wearing?
Georgie, you hang up that phone right now!
I mean, I-I just can't win. When I step in,
I'm doing it wrong, and when I don't step in, she yells at me.
I hear you.
So Darlene does the same thing with you?
No. But I'd hate it if she did.
That sounds awful.
So, what do you two fight about?
You know, normal stuff.
Who loves the other one more.
Whose turn it is for a foot rub.
Oh, the other day, we did argue
about which way the toilet paper should hang.
Who won?
I don't remember.
We just ended up making love on the bathroom floor.
Thank you, Wayne.
This has been real helpful.
When was the last time
you took Mary out on a date?
I couldn't even tell you.
- Mm. That poor woman. - Hey.
You're supposed to be on my side.
I'd like to be.
But you're not giving me much to work with.
Hey.
Smells like you had a good time.
How'd you like to go out for dinner on Friday?
Just you and me.
Why?
'Cause you're my wife.
I was your wife last Friday, and we didn't go to dinner.
Mary, I'm asking you on a date.
Okay.
Is that a yes?
Sure.
All right, then.
If you did something stupid, I'm gonna find out.
Same room. Different teacher.
Same night.
Different time.
This is a real roller coaster.
- Yeah, it's wild. - Connie.
So nice to see you.
Nice to see you, too. Sheldon,
- this is Dr. Linkletter. - Hello.
I've heard so much about you.
Apparently not how I feel about shaking hands.
And on that fun note, I'll leave you to it.
Are you sure you wouldn't like to stay for the lecture?
Oh, no, bad idea.
I'm told I snore.
Darling, I'll be out in the hall
if you need me.
Mm. Just a warning:
today's lecture is rather advanced.
Don't worry. If you get confused,
I'll be right here in the front row.
So, this is nice, huh?
Yes.
Lemon in the water.
It's weird to look at a menu and not have to wonder
what Sheldon won't eat.
I-It got easier when he printed that card for my wallet.
Still don't know where he got that laminated.
Yeah.
It's just the two of us.
We don't have to talk about the kids.
You're right.
You don't think Georgie and Missy
are doing anything stupid, do you?
If Mom knew this was in the house,
- she'd lose her mind. - I know.
Mom does not like demons.
So, how does it work?
You put your fingertips on it like this,
and you ask it questions.
Then the spirits from beyond
will move you around the board and answer them.
Whoa.
Let's try it.
Okay.
Pastor Jeff talked about these in Sunday school.
He called them Satan's Monopoly board.
Come on.
I'll get it.
Hello?
It's Pastor Jeff. What do I do?
See what he wants.
What do you want?
Um, is your mom home?
No, she went out with my dad.
- It's just me and Georgie. - Oh.
Okay.
Well, I hope you two are behaving yourselves.
We are. We're just watching TV.
Okay, bye.
I just lied to a pastor.
- So? - So I'm going to hell!
- No, you're not. - Yes, I am!
Sucks for you.
So then we're able to take
the ends of the strings
and connect them to a ten-dimensional membrane.
Yes, Sheldon.
Dr. Sturgis taught us
that if you leave the strings open,
it allows far more possibilities.
We don't believe you need open strings anymore.
That's an older model of thinking. Now...
Yes, Sheldon.
Just because something is older
doesn't mean that it's not still good.
Original Star Trek is older than Next Generation,
but if you think that Mr. Data is better than Mr. Spock,
you don't know what you're talking about.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Sorry you're not having a good time.
No, I am.
This is lovely.
But can I ask what prompted it?
Well...
Wayne and I were discussing marriage,
and he was going on about how happy he is.
I just wanted to try to work on ours.
That's really sweet, George.
So they go on dinner dates like this?
Oh, they do all kinds of stuff.
Line dancing and movie night.
You wouldn't believe what they got up to in their bathroom.
Where do they find the time?
Well...
Well, they don't have any kids, so...
Son of a bitch. They don't have kids.
That's why they're happy.
- George. - It's true.
You and I used to be way more fun.
That may be so, but you can't blame the children.
Oh, I can, and I am.
Don't get me wrong. They're great. I love them.
But you got to admit that they do not make our lives easy.
I suppose there's a...
challenging aspect to them.
There you go. See?
Feels good to say it out loud, right?
Maybe a little.
Hey.
Think about how clean the house would be
if it was just us.
Oh, my.
So, what did they do in the bathroom?
I'm going to hell. I'm going to hell.
Relax. Not until you're dead.
You smell really nice.
Thank you.
It's soap.
I love soap.
I'll get it.
Hello?
I lied to you.
I wasn't watching TV.
I was playing with a Ouija board.
- Uh, who is this? - Missy Cooper,
and I'm going to hell.
Uh, Missy, you're-you're not gonna go to hell.
Yes, I am.
God knows what I did.
He sees everything.
You're right.
God does see everything.
But He also just saw you be a good Christian
and tell the truth.
So I promise, your soul is safe.
- You're sure? - I'm sure.
If you're lying, you're going to hell, too.
I'm sure.
Thank you.
You take care, now.
The Lord just sent me a message.
Really?
I'm sorry.
I can't be in a physical relationship
outside of marriage.
Okay.
I respect that.
Thank you.
So when are we getting married?
Uh...
We don't need open strings.
We just connect them to a D-brane.
But your theories can't recreate the known symmetries
of the real world.
Everything okay in here?
More than okay. We're having a spirited debate
on superstring theory.
Very spirited.
Well, you ready to go home?
Yes. Unless Dr. Linkletter...
He's ready.
Well, I guess we'll see you next week.
Sounds good.
No wonder Sturgis went crazy.
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