- Can you pass the... - I knew you'd bring it up!
You just couldn't wait to throw it in my face.
- Throw what in his face? - I don't even know what...
Oh, right.
Ooh, tell me, tell me, tell me.
I'm missing something. Gossip. Go, go, go!
Do not tell her.
Your secret is safe with me.
And Grace. So, last night,
Jack and I were at the Cockpit.
He's hitting on this 20-something who says...
this is the good part...
Oh, daddies love me.
I'm sorry.
Really, Grace?
Peekaboo sleeves?
Aren't you begging someone to just peek and then boo?
Oh, so this other young guy
starts hitting on me...
I hope this doesn't weird you out,
but I think you're really hot.
You're like an anchorman.
This just in: Aww.
Oh, you're sweet. Okay, I think I need to know
everything about you, okay? What's your behind-the-music?
What's your unsolved mystery? What's your "E! True Hollywood Story"?
Well, my name's Will.
I'm a partner in a law firm. Grew up in Connecticut...
Oh, my God! Do you know this song?
Wait, I'm so sorry. I'm the rudest.
? I have no words, ADHD ?
Hey, come on.
I'm sorry, Jack. I guess some people
age like an anchorman
and others like a meth-head mother of nine.
To reiterate, anchorman.
Meth-head mom.
I used to love the Cockpit.
Remember how they used to play
"Designing Women" on a loop, and then we'd applaud
after Dixie Carter's speech?
"And that is the night
the lights went out in Georgia!"
Why'd I stop going?
Oh, I remember.
I got tired of you introducing me
as your drag queen friend,
"Judy Ism."
Mm. I didn't.
Anyway, it's probably not a great time to tell you
that I'm seeing that 23-year-old tonight.
His name's Blake. It's cute, right?
It's not cute. You're not cute.
Look, I just didn't want you to have to read about it
in the monthly gay newsletter.
You know, that a really young...
Did I mention he's 23? I think I did.
Anyway, seeing him tonight.
Blake.
23.
I want you both out of the apartment by the end of the day.
Synced and corrected by johnyd13 ~ www.addic7ed.com ~
Steam on.
Ah!
Oh, brava!
That alone was worth the 100 grand.
Steam off.
Begging you pardon, Mum.
Smart shower, what happened to your voice?
It's me, Bridget, Mum.
Oh, Lord.
Thought the Lucky Charms leprechaun
had crawled up into that thing.
Rosario sent me up.
I'm here to represent the staff.
We'd like a raise.
Give me a break, Mrs. Potato Head.
Rosario said, "Don't leave until the woman
pays us what we're worth."
Did she call me the A-word, the B-word, or the C-word?
Yes, Mum.
Even a small raise would make us feel valued,
and to give us a shred of dignity.
Let me think on it.
Have a bill, trade a fish,
Cayman Islands, take a plane,
that'd cost...
Switzerland... mmm...
Carry the four, write it off,
I'm still rich, deal.
You tell Rosario
that you and the staff can have your raise.
Thank you, Mum.
Everyone deserves a little... dignity.
On your way down, there's some dried puke in the library.
And find out who's been reading.
- Hi, Bridget. - Oh, hi, Jackie.
Shame about what happened to you
at the Cockpit last night.
How does Bridget know about my humiliation?
Someone in the house must have told her.
You were the only one who knew.
I'm the someone.
Oh, come on, Jackie. I knew just what to do.
In here, you will find everything you need
to make father-time your bitch.
Let's start with this little number,
"Scro-tox."
It's like Botox, but for the boys.
One drop of this, and your old man balls
will seem like two shiny pink marbles.
Wait, wait, wait. Will they still be able to show a range of emotions?
Well, they won't be able to look surprised, so let's move on.
Here we have the world's strongest magnets.
One goes here, one goes here.
Guaranteed to take the Mitch McConnell out of anyone's neck.
Wow.
Finally, science is good for something.
Mm-hmm.
Now, let's get this Pillsbury Dough-body
back into its tube.
Here we have
a full-body compression garment.
For a fat baby?
For my fat baby.
Will, just table-scape or don't.
- Hey. - Hi.
- You look great. - So do you.
Glad I flossed.
I told you that was the move.
Who's that?
That's Stella. She's my best friend.
Yeah, we live together now,
but how long is that going to last?
You'd be surprised.
And he's cute.
Looks like my dad.
Stupid magnets.
Ah!
Hello.
Is this seat taken?
Okay, I got your text.
When did we agree that you could summon me
with a dreidel and a jar of horseradish?
And when did they start making "emojews?"
Oh, I just wanted to thank you
for redoing my shower.
You've really gone above and beyond,
and I just wanted to say that...
I want a raise.
You mean a mood elevator?
No, honey, a raise raise.
I've been working for you a long time,
and that's what people do.
A raise would show that... that you value me.
You don't need a raise.
You're in the top 1% of income
and blood alcohol level.
It's not my fault that people can't marry money and hold their liquor.
Give me one good reason why I don't deserve a raise.
You don't do anything!
What's your name?
Lincoln. My mom named me
after our country's greatest car.
You look like a car in need of a jack.
Allow me to intro-seduce myself.
I'm Jack.
- And I think I'm falling for you. - Oh!
Let me get, uh, some wine, and I thought I'd make dinner.
Oh, you cook?
That's so throwback Thursday.
Wow. Are these candles Goop?
I feel like I'm on "The Bachelor."
Well, you know gays and our disposable income.
Didn't have kids, but I raised some very well-adjusted linen pillows.
Are you sad about that?
I am now.
Mm. Isn't Madonna kinda tired?
I don't know about "tired."
I mean, it is a pretty great song.
Got me through a bad break-up in '94.
I was born in '94.
I thought we had an understanding.
You don't do real work,
and I don't pay you a real salary.
Grace, I am getting a little steamed.
Steam on.
You put the steam on? I told you
not to program it yourself.
You wouldn't even have a business without me.
That is so untrue.
Why are the jets so low?
How about all the clients I brought you?
Are you saying that you...
that you don't need me?
Why are we doing this, Karen?
- Just say it. - I'm not gonna say it.
- Say it. - I don't need you.
That is it. We're done.
You won't hear another word. I am locking it up.
Shower locked.
What just happened?
Locking it up forever!
- Stop talking. - Oh, sorry I've been such a drain.
Guess I'll just shut up.
Drain shut.
No, no, no!
Oh, we are at war! It is...
- Don't say it! - On.
Shower on.
Ow!
I'm on a date. What do you want?
Yeah, I have also got a hot young guy
coming over in five minutes, and I'm so stiff, I can't move!
Well, if it lasts longer than four hours,
- call your doctor. - No!
It's this compression garment that Karen gave me.
I think I'm going into renal failure.
I just sneezed, and some pee came out my nose.
What do you want me to do?
I need your pruning shears so I can cut myself
out of this titanium girdle.
God, if I had a dollar
for every guy that came to my door...
Oh, save it for your Netflix special, Jeselnik. Go!
These stupid magnets! Oh!
Gah!
- Okay, I'm going to need these back. - Oh!
On second thought, keep them.
Jack, Jack, Jack, wait.
Is Grace right?
Is it creepy that I'm dating a 23-year-old?
- We're not really connecting. - So what?
They're young and hot, we're old and not.
Nothing else matters.
He doesn't like Madonna.
He should be beaten with a VHS copy of "Evita."
We need this.
You're right. Okay.
Okay. You're good?
- Great. And you're good? - I'm... I'm great.
- It's not weird? - It's not weird. Age is a number.
- Exactly. Who cares how old he is? - Nobody. Who cares
if I'm going to put a full face of makeup on right now?
- What? - The first time I met him,
it was dark, and I had a hat on.
- Jack, you don't need makeup. - I told him I was 25.
Work from the neck up
and keep the lights low.
How do we shut this thing off?
You know that I panic in small spaces.
Oh, yeah? Then you might want to rethink those knit pants
you were wearing on Monday.
Who programs "lock it forever"
into a shower?
Oh, come on, Grace.
Like you and Will have never tried
to spice up your lovemaking
with a night of danger games.
Oh, my God, honey, that's it!
That's it!
The shutoff code
is Stan and my safe word!
Oh! Oh, oh.
Thank God!
What's your safe word?
I can't remember.
How could you not remember your safe word?
Well, honey, I've never used it.
Takes a lot for this little lamb chop
to feel unsafe.
It's...
It's happening. It's happening.
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe!
I'm back at Camp Rabat,
trapped under a canoe,
and the counselor is saying, "Where is she?"
And Janet Eisenberg is saying,
"Who cares? It's just gross Adler."
Karen, please! Think!
What was the verkakte safe word?
Well, I know it's something
that really kills the mood for me sexually...
Oh, oh! Sobriety!
No...
Hillary Clinton!
Oh, that's actually kind of a turn-on.
Well, for me, my coming-out
was pretty typical.
My mom cried, my dad drank,
and my grandmother got rabies.
Unrelated, but just a rough weekend all around.
That's brutal.
Yeah. How was it for you?
Oh, um... I told my parents
I was gay when I was eight. They were divorced.
They both threw me a coming-out party
on the same weekend.
That was hard.
That's not a coming-out story.
How's James Franco supposed to win the Oscar playing that?
God, is that the new gay?
You guys grow up in a big happiness bubble?
- Isn't that good? - No. It's so nice,
it's practically abuse.
I mean, how's it supposed to get better
if it was always fine?
Are you mad at me because I'm happy?
Yes.
No, I...
Probably. Doesn't matter.
Older guys are so dramatic.
? Which is super-hot ?
Does this pull out?
Actually, I have a whole bedroom.
To yourself?
Here's something that will blow your mind:
I got my own sheets and pillowcases, too.
Just curious: Um... when you said,
"Older guys are dramatic," what do you mean?
Well, you just... you make a big deal about everything.
You realize the happy life you have
is because we made a big deal about things?
Yeah, Will, I know all about Stonehenge.
Do you mean Stonewall?
I'm actually not quite sure what either one is.
Do you seriously, seriously, not know?
Who cares? So I'm not a history puff.
Okay?
That was a kabillion years ago, okay?
- Everything's good now. - "Who cares"?
Dude, I don't mean to be rude,
but my boner has already called a Lyft.
Okay? Either we're going to hook up,
or you're going to give me a lecture.
You're right.
You're right. And the choice
is obvious.
The history of our people is a rich and complex tapestry.
Come in!
Jack?
Oh, hey, Lincoln. How are you? I'm over here.
Can I turn on a light?
Oh, no, no, no, uh, uh...
Follow the sound of my youthful voice.
All right. I made it.
We were everywhere!
Art, culture, business, politics.
We rightly took Halloween back from the children,
whose costumes simply weren't good enough.
You still with me?
Can you go back to the part about the gay dinosaurs?
Like, how would they have known?
I made that part up.
Like, there's no such thing as a "fagosaurus."
And speaking of gay dinosaurs, let's talk Madonna.
Sure, now, she's got the face of Baby June
and the body of Iggy Pop,
but that ripped 60-year-old
was there for us, like nobody else.
Like, it's great
that you have no shame.
I mean, you missed the joy of signing up for football
to fool your parents.
But you guys can never forget the struggle that came before you,
the people that fought and loved and... and died,
so that you could walk down the street in skinny jeans
with rights you never even knew you never had.
The minute we forget what we went through to get here
is the minute it could all be taken away.
And that will be the night
the lights go out in Georgia.
I'm a sperm!
I'm letting go. I'm going now.
You didn't save me!
Where the hell are you going to go?
I know you. You always think the worst is going to happen.
You're going to lose a client, then you don't.
You're going to miss a deadline, then you don't.
You think you can pull off a hat,
but you can't. Honey, you really can't.
I don't know if it's the shape of your head,
or that weird face.
Stop insulting me!
- Why? - It's making me mad.
- But you're not panicked. - No, because you're...
Oh....
Yeah, mommy's got a few little tricks.
Remember that design showcase in 1999?
I was so nervous.
I was hyperventilating.
Mm-hmm, and then I sang you that song
that calmed you down.
? Hush little baby don't say a word ?
? Mama's going to buy you ? Drugs.
Honey, you remembered the whole thing.
- Feel better? - I do.
I am so sorry, Karen.
I couldn't do what I do without you.
And more importantly, I wouldn't want to do it without you.
Of course you have value to me,
and you deserve a raise.
Thanks, honey.
I guess your validation
was more important than I realized.
Well, you have it.
I love you, Karen Walker.
Right back at you, Grace Adler.
Shower off.
- Wait a second. - Hey!
"Grace Adler" is your safe word?
My name
is your sexual buzzkill?
It's better this way.
Well, we agree, we should probably both
date guys our own age, but, uh,
I think he's going to remember what I said.
You know, until the ? ADHD ? kicks in.
Mine left the apartment screaming
like Vera Farmiga in "The Conjuring."
I don't want to be a daddy.
I don't want you to age better than me.
Oh, come on, Jack.
Everybody knows Twinkies never expire.
Besides, you're a catch.
You will always be a catch, no matter how old you are.
How very, very, very old you are.
It's always a kiss and a punch with you.
Hey, Google, play Madonna.
I want someone that I have something in common with.
You know, a shared history.
Right? You want to have, like, a shorthand.
Right? Exactly. Do you want a, uh...
Yeah. Diet if you have it.
- Are you, uh... - No, no, we ate.
Yeah, I guess we just have to believe
that person's still out there.
Oh, he has to be.
What are you thinking?
That early Madonna's the best.
- That's exactly what I was thinking. - Well, I'm glad we're on the same page.
Synced and corrected by johnyd13 ~ www.addic7ed.com ~