1 00:00:00,297 --> 00:00:01,765 We're on the same page. 2 00:00:01,843 --> 00:00:03,531 I wanna team up with you guys. 3 00:00:03,633 --> 00:00:06,164 What? Why? You do? What? 4 00:00:06,242 --> 00:00:08,710 I'm in a bit of a bind and I could use some backup. 5 00:00:08,844 --> 00:00:11,779 So, what do you say? New best friends? 6 00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:16,416 You wanna team up? You've been torturing us 7 00:00:16,451 --> 00:00:17,817 - and lying about it. - Let's not get 8 00:00:17,859 --> 00:00:19,826 all caught up on who lied to who 9 00:00:19,861 --> 00:00:22,896 or which one of us created an entire fake reality 10 00:00:22,924 --> 00:00:26,039 in order to cause eternal misery for the others. 11 00:00:26,064 --> 00:00:27,727 That's ancient history. 12 00:00:27,762 --> 00:00:29,629 It was happening until 20 seconds ago. 13 00:00:29,664 --> 00:00:32,063 The point is that... 14 00:00:32,098 --> 00:00:33,932 circumstances have changed. 15 00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:37,569 And now, all of us teaming up is our best option. 16 00:00:37,604 --> 00:00:40,572 I love being on teams. Oh, we need a team name. 17 00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:42,674 Um... the Bobcats. 18 00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:44,576 - Great. - Slow down, ding dong. 19 00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:46,978 He wouldn't offer us a deal for no reason. 20 00:00:47,013 --> 00:00:48,913 He needs us. 21 00:00:48,948 --> 00:00:51,615 - Why? - Because, as you said, 22 00:00:51,651 --> 00:00:53,250 you keep beating me. 23 00:00:53,285 --> 00:00:55,619 Look, I built this neighborhood 24 00:00:55,655 --> 00:00:59,457 as a way to torture the four of you... psychologically... 25 00:00:59,492 --> 00:01:01,124 for thousands of years. 26 00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:03,594 And you keep figuring it out 27 00:01:03,629 --> 00:01:05,495 and taking all the fun out of it. 28 00:01:05,530 --> 00:01:06,930 - Fun? - Today, there was 29 00:01:06,965 --> 00:01:09,866 a new development that really chapped my nips. 30 00:01:09,901 --> 00:01:12,669 One of my employees is blackmailing me. 31 00:01:12,704 --> 00:01:16,005 Vicky. She runs the clam chowder place 32 00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:17,607 in the main square. 33 00:01:17,642 --> 00:01:19,141 - A Little Bit Chowder Now. - Oh, the place 34 00:01:19,177 --> 00:01:20,510 with the... the chowder fountain. 35 00:01:20,545 --> 00:01:22,010 No, that's Pump Up the Clam. 36 00:01:22,045 --> 00:01:24,780 A Little Bit Chowder Now has the lazy river of chowder. 37 00:01:24,815 --> 00:01:27,783 Ugh! How did we ever think this was the Good Place? 38 00:01:27,818 --> 00:01:29,651 Vicky thinks that she can run this neighborhood 39 00:01:29,687 --> 00:01:31,152 better than I can. 40 00:01:31,188 --> 00:01:34,723 And she wants to start her version in 30 minutes. 41 00:01:34,758 --> 00:01:36,792 I am supposed to reboot you, 42 00:01:36,827 --> 00:01:39,961 erase your memory and turn control over to her. 43 00:01:39,996 --> 00:01:42,062 How are we supposed to team up with you 44 00:01:42,098 --> 00:01:43,631 if you wipe our memories again? 45 00:01:43,666 --> 00:01:45,800 Easy. I'm not going to. 46 00:01:45,835 --> 00:01:48,235 You're going to act like you've been rebooted 47 00:01:48,270 --> 00:01:51,506 and pretend that Vicky and the others are torturing you. 48 00:01:51,541 --> 00:01:54,041 But then, on your own time, in private, 49 00:01:54,076 --> 00:01:56,977 you can study ethics, ogle mailmen, 50 00:01:57,012 --> 00:01:58,912 - do whatever you want. - Can I play iPad? 51 00:01:58,947 --> 00:02:00,814 - Sure you can, buddy. - Yes. 52 00:02:00,849 --> 00:02:02,983 Guys, there's no debate here. 53 00:02:03,018 --> 00:02:06,185 My boss gave me two chances to make this work. 54 00:02:06,221 --> 00:02:07,654 Suffice to say, 55 00:02:07,689 --> 00:02:09,823 I tried more than two times. 56 00:02:09,858 --> 00:02:13,526 If he finds out, we're all in hot water. 57 00:02:13,561 --> 00:02:15,828 Literally. They will boil us. 58 00:02:15,863 --> 00:02:19,965 We will be the main ingredient in a chowder of pain. 59 00:02:21,135 --> 00:02:24,670 Human meeting. Bedroom. Now. 60 00:02:24,705 --> 00:02:28,073 Oh, yeah, um, that no stair thing, 61 00:02:28,108 --> 00:02:29,674 that was part of the torture. 62 00:02:29,709 --> 00:02:31,108 Let me help you. 63 00:02:33,580 --> 00:02:35,212 Son of a bench. 64 00:02:35,255 --> 00:02:40,261 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 65 00:02:41,287 --> 00:02:43,855 - Anyone have any ideas? - You know, believe it or not, 66 00:02:43,890 --> 00:02:45,757 I actually found myself in a very similar situation 67 00:02:45,792 --> 00:02:47,691 a few years ago, except in that instance, 68 00:02:47,726 --> 00:02:49,225 Michael was Javier Bardem 69 00:02:49,261 --> 00:02:51,294 and the Bad Place was Vanessa Redgrave's panic room. 70 00:02:51,329 --> 00:02:54,965 Okay, stop talking. Do not talk again for 100 hours. 71 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,734 - What do we do? - We team up with Michael. 72 00:02:57,770 --> 00:03:00,871 Okay, hot take, but I like your confidence. 73 00:03:00,906 --> 00:03:03,040 - Tell me why. - He has a bow tie. 74 00:03:03,075 --> 00:03:04,239 Oh, no. 75 00:03:04,275 --> 00:03:06,042 I always trust dudes in bow ties. 76 00:03:06,077 --> 00:03:07,944 Once, this guy in a bow tie came up to me 77 00:03:07,979 --> 00:03:10,112 at the gun range in a Jacksonville bus station 78 00:03:10,147 --> 00:03:12,314 and said he'd give me $600 79 00:03:12,349 --> 00:03:14,383 if I put these weird turtles in my duffle bag 80 00:03:14,418 --> 00:03:16,318 and brought them to Daytona Beach. 81 00:03:16,353 --> 00:03:18,788 So I hotwired a swamp boat to Daytona 82 00:03:18,823 --> 00:03:21,122 and the guy paid me the $600. 83 00:03:21,157 --> 00:03:26,260 My point is, you always trust dudes in bow ties. 84 00:03:27,297 --> 00:03:28,630 Ahh! 85 00:03:28,665 --> 00:03:30,065 Look, Michael's a liar. 86 00:03:30,100 --> 00:03:31,232 I know liars. 87 00:03:31,267 --> 00:03:32,634 It was my job to trick people 88 00:03:32,669 --> 00:03:33,802 into buying fake medicine 89 00:03:33,837 --> 00:03:35,236 and I was the top salesperson 90 00:03:35,271 --> 00:03:36,972 - seven years in a row. - I thought you only 91 00:03:37,007 --> 00:03:38,606 - worked there five years. - Proves my point! 92 00:03:38,641 --> 00:03:40,007 This is a trick. 93 00:03:40,042 --> 00:03:42,109 - There's no way we trust him. - I agree. 94 00:03:42,144 --> 00:03:43,644 He could be lying about this whole thing. 95 00:03:43,679 --> 00:03:45,012 For all we know, you three are in 96 00:03:45,047 --> 00:03:46,747 the Bad Place and I'm up in the Good Place, 97 00:03:46,782 --> 00:03:48,148 where I belong, being tested. 98 00:03:48,183 --> 00:03:50,818 - How would that even... - I don't know, 99 00:03:50,853 --> 00:03:53,286 - but it's possible. - Before we do anything, 100 00:03:53,322 --> 00:03:54,921 we need more information. 101 00:03:54,956 --> 00:03:57,090 We should ask him every question we can think of. 102 00:03:57,125 --> 00:03:58,758 - Yes. - Yes, we shall grill him 103 00:03:58,793 --> 00:04:00,093 like the flank of a Niberian piglet. 104 00:04:00,128 --> 00:04:03,429 I'm sorry, has it been 100 hours? 105 00:04:05,700 --> 00:04:07,166 Okay, man. We got questions. 106 00:04:07,201 --> 00:04:10,202 First off, how can we possibly trust you? 107 00:04:10,238 --> 00:04:12,170 You can't. But you have to. 108 00:04:12,205 --> 00:04:14,640 Logically, you shouldn't but you have no choice. 109 00:04:14,675 --> 00:04:16,108 I mean, I wouldn't, if I were you. 110 00:04:16,143 --> 00:04:17,776 It's a crazy thing to do. 111 00:04:17,811 --> 00:04:19,444 - But you gotta. - What happens if we don't? 112 00:04:19,479 --> 00:04:22,114 Most likely, I reboot you once more, 113 00:04:22,149 --> 00:04:25,183 you figure it out again, Vicky tells my boss, 114 00:04:25,218 --> 00:04:26,718 he shuts everything down. 115 00:04:26,754 --> 00:04:28,120 I get punished, 116 00:04:28,155 --> 00:04:30,287 you end up spending the rest of eternity 117 00:04:30,322 --> 00:04:32,156 in the real Bad Place, 118 00:04:32,191 --> 00:04:35,292 up to your necks in a volcano full of scorpions. 119 00:04:35,327 --> 00:04:37,294 I'll tell you what I want to know right now 120 00:04:37,329 --> 00:04:38,796 before we go any further. 121 00:04:38,831 --> 00:04:40,297 Did the Jacksonville Jaguars 122 00:04:40,332 --> 00:04:42,133 win the Super Bowl last year? 123 00:04:44,370 --> 00:04:46,836 Oh, you're serious. Uh, no. 124 00:04:46,872 --> 00:04:48,071 Will they ever win the Super Bowl? 125 00:04:48,106 --> 00:04:50,907 Jason, I can't predict the future. 126 00:04:50,942 --> 00:04:52,876 But no. They won't. 127 00:04:52,911 --> 00:04:54,844 Okay, well I just have, like, 12 more Jaguar questions... 128 00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:56,312 No, you don't. Hey, Janet? 129 00:04:56,347 --> 00:04:58,381 - Hi, there. - Do you have something shiny 130 00:04:58,416 --> 00:05:00,984 Jason can play with? 131 00:05:02,020 --> 00:05:03,819 How many different versions of this place 132 00:05:03,854 --> 00:05:05,988 have we been through? 133 00:05:06,023 --> 00:05:08,891 Uh, let's see. 802. 134 00:05:08,926 --> 00:05:10,826 The longest one was 11 months. 135 00:05:10,861 --> 00:05:13,996 Uh, this current one has only been going for one week. 136 00:05:14,031 --> 00:05:15,831 Boy, you guys barely know each other. 137 00:05:15,866 --> 00:05:17,232 It's gonna make this tough. 138 00:05:17,267 --> 00:05:18,834 What's that super tiny line? 139 00:05:18,869 --> 00:05:21,102 That's the shortest one, eight seconds. 140 00:05:21,137 --> 00:05:24,706 It was a butt reboot. I sat on the activator by mistake. 141 00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:27,341 Michael, was I also rebooted 802 times? 142 00:05:27,376 --> 00:05:29,376 Yes. Why? 143 00:05:29,412 --> 00:05:31,045 Every time a Janet is rebooted, 144 00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:34,381 she increases her social awareness and abilities. 145 00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:38,085 I might be the most advanced Janet in the universe. 146 00:05:39,421 --> 00:05:41,855 So Janet isn't with you. 147 00:05:41,890 --> 00:05:45,125 No. There has to be a Janet in every neighborhood, 148 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:46,392 good and bad. 149 00:05:46,428 --> 00:05:48,028 This one is an actual Good Place Janet 150 00:05:48,063 --> 00:05:50,030 that I stole to help sell the ruse. 151 00:05:50,065 --> 00:05:51,765 I guess it didn't work, though. 152 00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:53,033 Because you keep failing. 153 00:05:53,068 --> 00:05:55,034 - Yes, thank you. - You're welcome. 154 00:05:55,069 --> 00:05:57,402 If you're not human, why do you look like us? 155 00:05:57,438 --> 00:06:00,906 Everyone in the Bad Place Bureau of Human Affairs 156 00:06:00,942 --> 00:06:03,809 gets randomly assigned a human body 157 00:06:03,845 --> 00:06:06,879 so we can get the feel of how best to torture you. 158 00:06:06,914 --> 00:06:09,248 I gotta say, it took me a long time to get used to 159 00:06:09,283 --> 00:06:11,216 - the hanging bits. - Gross. 160 00:06:11,251 --> 00:06:13,051 Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, Eleanor. 161 00:06:13,086 --> 00:06:15,053 I was talking about my testicles. 162 00:06:15,088 --> 00:06:17,388 Mindy St. Clair's is fake, I bet. 163 00:06:17,423 --> 00:06:18,990 No, the Medium Place is real. 164 00:06:19,025 --> 00:06:21,926 So annoying how you managed to slip away from me 165 00:06:21,962 --> 00:06:23,828 - all those times. - Why even tell us 166 00:06:23,864 --> 00:06:25,964 about any real thing? 167 00:06:25,999 --> 00:06:27,498 Why not just lie about all of it? 168 00:06:27,533 --> 00:06:29,066 Lies are always more convincing 169 00:06:29,101 --> 00:06:30,333 when they're closer to the truth. 170 00:06:30,369 --> 00:06:31,969 That's true. I crashed a lot 171 00:06:32,004 --> 00:06:34,104 of open bar weddings as Eileen Shelbourne. 172 00:06:34,140 --> 00:06:36,140 Even dated a groomsman for a few months. 173 00:06:36,175 --> 00:06:38,776 So I had to keep the name, and he got Eileen 174 00:06:38,811 --> 00:06:41,078 - tattooed on his neck. - Seriously?! 175 00:06:41,113 --> 00:06:43,013 How are she and I in the same place? 176 00:06:43,048 --> 00:06:45,782 - Oh, get over yourself. - Trust me, don't trust me, 177 00:06:45,817 --> 00:06:46,816 it doesn't matter. 178 00:06:46,851 --> 00:06:47,950 We're running out of time, 179 00:06:47,986 --> 00:06:49,585 and I'm your only option. 180 00:06:49,620 --> 00:06:51,254 We're running out of time 181 00:06:51,289 --> 00:06:53,322 and I'm your only option? 182 00:06:53,357 --> 00:06:55,992 A lot of guys your age said that to me 183 00:06:56,027 --> 00:06:58,094 just as the bar was about to close. 184 00:06:58,129 --> 00:06:59,829 But I never settled for them. 185 00:06:59,864 --> 00:07:01,930 Because my ex-boyfriend lived nearby, 186 00:07:01,965 --> 00:07:03,932 he was obsessed with me and he never slept 187 00:07:03,967 --> 00:07:05,934 because he was addicted to Adderall. 188 00:07:05,969 --> 00:07:08,804 There is always another option. 189 00:07:08,839 --> 00:07:10,272 You guys do whatever you want. 190 00:07:10,307 --> 00:07:11,472 - I'm out. - No! 191 00:07:11,508 --> 00:07:13,942 My plan only works if all four of you 192 00:07:13,977 --> 00:07:15,844 - are on board. - Then you better get cracking 193 00:07:15,879 --> 00:07:18,046 on a new plan, pally, because so far, 194 00:07:18,081 --> 00:07:19,880 I haven't heard a single good reason 195 00:07:19,916 --> 00:07:21,182 why I should help you. 196 00:07:21,217 --> 00:07:23,350 All right, how about this? You help me 197 00:07:23,385 --> 00:07:26,821 trick Vicky and all those other goons, 198 00:07:26,856 --> 00:07:29,857 I can get you to the real Good Place. 199 00:07:33,815 --> 00:07:35,849 There's a way to get to the real Good place. 200 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:37,117 It's complicated. 201 00:07:37,481 --> 00:07:39,214 It may take a while to arrange... 202 00:07:39,239 --> 00:07:40,863 especially since I'll have to do it in secret... 203 00:07:40,888 --> 00:07:42,722 but yes, yes, there is a potential 204 00:07:42,757 --> 00:07:45,329 method of transportation. 205 00:07:45,376 --> 00:07:46,608 Wait, is it nice? 206 00:07:46,644 --> 00:07:48,076 Is there a business class? 207 00:07:48,111 --> 00:07:49,444 Can I pre-board? 208 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:51,179 Yeah, let's not worry about that right now. 209 00:07:51,214 --> 00:07:52,581 I can get us there. 210 00:07:52,616 --> 00:07:53,749 Us? 211 00:07:53,784 --> 00:07:56,385 You, Mr. Diabolical Torture Guy 212 00:07:56,420 --> 00:07:58,619 are gonna try to join us in the Good Place? 213 00:07:58,655 --> 00:08:01,722 Yeah, if I stay in the Bad Place, I'm doomed. 214 00:08:01,758 --> 00:08:06,294 But if I rescue four pitiful, foul-smelling humans 215 00:08:06,329 --> 00:08:07,861 from eternal damnation... 216 00:08:07,897 --> 00:08:09,764 hit 'em with the big puppy dog eyes. 217 00:08:09,799 --> 00:08:12,533 Please, sir, take pity on me, I've changed... 218 00:08:12,568 --> 00:08:14,302 and all that crap, 219 00:08:14,337 --> 00:08:15,802 maybe I can earn a spot, too. 220 00:08:15,837 --> 00:08:17,304 We didn't deserve the Good Place 221 00:08:17,339 --> 00:08:18,738 based on our time on Earth. 222 00:08:18,774 --> 00:08:20,407 Will they even let us stay? 223 00:08:20,442 --> 00:08:21,874 I gotta be honest, I have no idea. 224 00:08:21,910 --> 00:08:24,210 But at least if you help me fool Vicky, 225 00:08:24,245 --> 00:08:27,480 your brains don't get erased every two weeks. 226 00:08:29,818 --> 00:08:32,251 Okay, all humans who have not already been 227 00:08:32,287 --> 00:08:34,886 suckered by Michael, another team meeting. 228 00:08:34,922 --> 00:08:37,122 This is definitely a trap. 229 00:08:37,157 --> 00:08:39,257 We figured out his game every time 230 00:08:39,293 --> 00:08:41,460 and now he's just trying a new way to mess with us. 231 00:08:41,495 --> 00:08:44,430 Teaming up with a demon is insane. 232 00:08:44,465 --> 00:08:45,798 Maybe. 233 00:08:45,833 --> 00:08:47,299 But I think we have to do it. 234 00:08:47,335 --> 00:08:48,767 Are you forking kidding me right now? 235 00:08:48,803 --> 00:08:50,768 You take a half an hour to pick out a turtleneck, 236 00:08:50,804 --> 00:08:52,303 and yet this you're sure about? 237 00:08:52,339 --> 00:08:53,771 Okay, look, I spent my whole life trying 238 00:08:53,807 --> 00:08:54,905 to learn about right and wrong 239 00:08:54,941 --> 00:08:56,841 and apparently, I failed. 240 00:08:56,876 --> 00:08:59,444 I want us to get better and I want us to stay that way. 241 00:08:59,479 --> 00:09:01,278 You understand that, right, Tahani? 242 00:09:01,314 --> 00:09:03,247 I understand nothing. 243 00:09:03,282 --> 00:09:05,316 Hey! Same here! 244 00:09:05,352 --> 00:09:06,683 Michael, there's been a mistake. 245 00:09:06,719 --> 00:09:08,251 I belong in the Good Place. 246 00:09:08,286 --> 00:09:09,686 The real one with the good people. 247 00:09:09,722 --> 00:09:11,755 Who do I speak to about correcting this? 248 00:09:11,790 --> 00:09:13,490 Me and you're wrong. 249 00:09:13,525 --> 00:09:15,826 Very well. I would like to speak to your manager. 250 00:09:15,861 --> 00:09:17,594 Listen, sweetheart, 251 00:09:17,629 --> 00:09:20,597 you've only been in this timeline for about a week. 252 00:09:20,632 --> 00:09:23,166 So I think I'm gonna fast forward things a bit. 253 00:09:23,201 --> 00:09:26,435 There's a very good reason why you ended up here. 254 00:09:26,471 --> 00:09:28,704 You never cared about the people you were helping. 255 00:09:28,740 --> 00:09:33,442 You did it only for fame or status or to spite your family. 256 00:09:33,478 --> 00:09:34,977 That is utter tosh! 257 00:09:35,012 --> 00:09:36,612 I had my flaws, just like anyone else, 258 00:09:36,647 --> 00:09:38,647 but I raised billions for charity. 259 00:09:38,683 --> 00:09:40,715 I was a good person and I defy you 260 00:09:40,751 --> 00:09:43,852 or anyone else to prove otherwise. 261 00:09:43,887 --> 00:09:45,319 You know, in all the reboots, 262 00:09:45,355 --> 00:09:46,988 I never showed you how you died. 263 00:09:47,023 --> 00:09:48,823 I was saving it in case I ever needed 264 00:09:48,859 --> 00:09:50,625 to really make you miserable. 265 00:09:50,660 --> 00:09:52,660 But it's hilarious. 266 00:09:52,696 --> 00:09:53,895 Of course, I mean sad. 267 00:09:53,930 --> 00:09:55,963 But it might help you come to grips 268 00:09:55,999 --> 00:09:57,498 with who you really were. 269 00:09:57,533 --> 00:09:59,633 Do you want to remember it? 270 00:10:02,505 --> 00:10:04,738 Tahani Al-Jamil, social activist, 271 00:10:04,774 --> 00:10:07,508 philanthropist, neck model and now cover girl 272 00:10:07,543 --> 00:10:09,576 for "International Sophisticate Magazine." 273 00:10:09,612 --> 00:10:12,279 - Tahani, welcome. - Oh, it's such an honor. 274 00:10:12,314 --> 00:10:14,614 I have long dreamt of being one of the women 275 00:10:14,649 --> 00:10:16,449 or yachts who grace your cover. 276 00:10:16,484 --> 00:10:17,917 Let's begin with your sister, Kamilah. 277 00:10:17,952 --> 00:10:20,386 A woman who... as you know... was offered the spot 278 00:10:20,422 --> 00:10:22,588 on our cover, but turned it down. 279 00:10:22,624 --> 00:10:25,291 I actually didn't know that. 280 00:10:25,326 --> 00:10:26,893 Please, carry on. 281 00:10:26,928 --> 00:10:28,795 Well, next week, Kamilah will travel to Cleveland, Ohio 282 00:10:28,830 --> 00:10:30,563 to become the youngest person ever inducted 283 00:10:30,598 --> 00:10:32,764 into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. 284 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,733 Remarkable. 285 00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:36,401 Is there a question? 286 00:10:36,437 --> 00:10:38,570 Don't you find that remarkable? 287 00:10:38,605 --> 00:10:41,272 Kamilah is very impressive. 288 00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:42,808 As you know, she released her debut album 289 00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:44,943 only six months ago and yet, the critics 290 00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:47,312 thought it was so brilliant that the Hall of Fame 291 00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:50,280 decided to waive its 25 year waiting period. 292 00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:52,917 Sadly, I will not be attending the ceremony 293 00:10:52,952 --> 00:10:54,919 because I will be in Haiti 294 00:10:54,954 --> 00:10:56,554 on a relief mission. 295 00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:58,055 Perhaps we should talk more about that. 296 00:10:58,090 --> 00:10:59,423 Perhaps we should. But first, 297 00:10:59,459 --> 00:11:01,425 another question about Kamilah. 298 00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,828 Don't you think she and I would be friends? 299 00:11:03,863 --> 00:11:05,929 We have a lot in common, we are both Capricorn, 300 00:11:05,964 --> 00:11:07,730 and we're both only children. 301 00:11:09,601 --> 00:11:12,969 I'm sorry, I forgot about you. 302 00:11:26,316 --> 00:11:28,484 Kamilah! Congratulations. 303 00:11:28,519 --> 00:11:31,587 You have all the attention. Once again. 304 00:11:31,622 --> 00:11:34,957 - Who are you? - Really? 305 00:11:34,992 --> 00:11:37,626 Good Lord. Tahani! 306 00:11:37,661 --> 00:11:40,528 You're a cocktail waitress now. 307 00:11:40,563 --> 00:11:42,463 Honestly, I think this is the right move for you. 308 00:11:42,499 --> 00:11:44,031 No, it's just that my own sister 309 00:11:44,066 --> 00:11:46,801 didn't even deign to invite me to her little soiree. 310 00:11:46,836 --> 00:11:48,636 So I had to weasel my way in here 311 00:11:48,671 --> 00:11:51,005 like some common... weasel. 312 00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:53,641 But I was supposed to be in Haiti being photographed 313 00:11:53,676 --> 00:11:55,676 helping people, but instead I delayed my trip 314 00:11:55,712 --> 00:11:57,477 by a day to come here and tell you off. 315 00:11:57,513 --> 00:11:59,646 No, you came to do what you always do: 316 00:11:59,681 --> 00:12:01,948 make a scene and embarrass yourself. 317 00:12:01,984 --> 00:12:04,017 So I'm just an embarrassment to you? 318 00:12:04,052 --> 00:12:05,519 Is that what you think of me? 319 00:12:05,554 --> 00:12:09,355 Honestly, I don't really think about you. 320 00:12:18,900 --> 00:12:20,499 No! Ow. 321 00:12:20,535 --> 00:12:24,637 Thing... just... ah! 322 00:12:24,672 --> 00:12:27,006 I'll bring you down! 323 00:12:27,041 --> 00:12:28,741 I will bring you down. 324 00:12:28,776 --> 00:12:29,875 Come on. Come on! 325 00:12:29,911 --> 00:12:33,044 Come down to the ground where you belong, will you... 326 00:12:35,582 --> 00:12:37,849 - Oh, no. - Mm. 327 00:12:37,884 --> 00:12:40,818 I died in Cleveland? 328 00:12:40,854 --> 00:12:43,187 I don't think that should be your biggest takeaway 329 00:12:43,222 --> 00:12:44,856 - from that story. - Is that really 330 00:12:44,891 --> 00:12:45,924 all I cared about? 331 00:12:45,959 --> 00:12:47,491 Just outshining my sister 332 00:12:47,527 --> 00:12:49,693 and gaining praise and acclaim? 333 00:12:49,729 --> 00:12:51,863 I mean, I did gain praise and acclaim. 334 00:12:51,897 --> 00:12:54,565 You know, I dare say on some occasions, 335 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:59,402 more praise and acclaim than my sister, Kamilah, so... 336 00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:03,506 Oh. 337 00:13:03,542 --> 00:13:05,441 Oh, I see. 338 00:13:05,477 --> 00:13:08,545 - Oh, God. - Oh, come on, now. 339 00:13:08,580 --> 00:13:10,846 It's not all bad. Imagine you're me 340 00:13:10,882 --> 00:13:12,915 and you're designing a torture chamber 341 00:13:12,951 --> 00:13:16,052 for people who think that they belong in the Good Place. 342 00:13:16,087 --> 00:13:19,521 I mean, you were perfect. 343 00:13:19,557 --> 00:13:21,690 But I've always wanted to be perfect at something... 344 00:13:21,725 --> 00:13:25,426 I just never thought it would be the perfect stooge. 345 00:13:25,462 --> 00:13:27,762 I want to do it. I want to become 346 00:13:27,798 --> 00:13:29,564 the person I pretended to be. 347 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,532 I agree with Chidi. We should team up with Michael 348 00:13:31,568 --> 00:13:33,134 and all try to build a better Tahani. 349 00:13:33,169 --> 00:13:36,938 Great. Yet again, it's everyone against Eleanor. 350 00:13:36,974 --> 00:13:39,707 Because everyone except Eleanor is an idiot. 351 00:13:39,742 --> 00:13:41,241 Why am I the only person who clearly sees 352 00:13:41,276 --> 00:13:42,576 - what's going on here? - It's not that 353 00:13:42,612 --> 00:13:44,144 we don't understand the risks, 354 00:13:44,179 --> 00:13:45,579 we just wanna become better people 355 00:13:45,615 --> 00:13:47,114 and this is our best chance. 356 00:13:47,149 --> 00:13:50,618 Oh, I get it. 'Cause you're so much better than me. 357 00:13:50,653 --> 00:13:51,986 - That's what this is about? - Hang on, 358 00:13:52,021 --> 00:13:53,654 don't lash out at us just because of 359 00:13:53,689 --> 00:13:54,989 - your innate distrust. - Lash out? 360 00:13:55,024 --> 00:13:56,122 No, it's not about who's better. 361 00:13:57,692 --> 00:13:58,791 I have no idea what's going on right now 362 00:13:58,827 --> 00:14:00,593 but everyone else is talking 363 00:14:00,629 --> 00:14:02,662 and I think I should too! 364 00:14:02,697 --> 00:14:03,930 What is so funny? 365 00:14:03,965 --> 00:14:06,099 I'm sorry, I shouldn't be laughing. 366 00:14:06,134 --> 00:14:07,466 How do I explain this? 367 00:14:07,502 --> 00:14:09,736 I'm basically an exterminator 368 00:14:09,771 --> 00:14:12,671 and you're cockroaches. 369 00:14:12,706 --> 00:14:16,508 My job was to squish you and poison you 370 00:14:16,543 --> 00:14:19,477 and yet, somehow, my very survival 371 00:14:19,513 --> 00:14:21,613 now depends on you, the cockroaches, 372 00:14:21,649 --> 00:14:23,115 agreeing to help me. 373 00:14:23,150 --> 00:14:26,018 - That's funny. - We're cockroaches to you? 374 00:14:26,053 --> 00:14:28,620 Yeah. Or dung beetles. 375 00:14:28,656 --> 00:14:30,955 I don't know. Something small and gross 376 00:14:30,990 --> 00:14:33,691 that creeps on the ground in its own filth. 377 00:14:33,726 --> 00:14:35,626 Just being honest. 378 00:14:35,662 --> 00:14:37,261 Okay, okay, okay, okay. 379 00:14:37,296 --> 00:14:38,629 - All right, forget about him. - Oh! 380 00:14:38,665 --> 00:14:40,031 Forget about him, focus on us. 381 00:14:40,066 --> 00:14:42,700 Kant wrote it is our duty to improve ourselves. 382 00:14:42,735 --> 00:14:44,869 So whatever Michael's reasons for doing this, 383 00:14:44,904 --> 00:14:49,673 he's giving us the best chance to improve ourselves. 384 00:14:49,708 --> 00:14:50,807 Okay, I have to admit, you're making 385 00:14:50,842 --> 00:14:52,542 a lot of sense right now. 386 00:14:52,577 --> 00:14:55,812 I need to just untangle all of this. 387 00:14:55,847 --> 00:14:59,149 Give me a minute to think about it alone. 388 00:14:59,184 --> 00:15:00,950 Okay. 389 00:15:04,855 --> 00:15:07,056 - Janet? - Hi, there. 390 00:15:07,091 --> 00:15:10,993 Call me a train. Fill it to the brim with cocaine. 391 00:15:11,028 --> 00:15:13,929 I'm going back to Mindy St. Clair's house. 392 00:15:19,165 --> 00:15:22,220 - Gonna bail, huh? - Hm? No. 393 00:15:22,368 --> 00:15:24,570 Why... why would you say that? 394 00:15:24,695 --> 00:15:26,992 Well, you got a bag full of clothes, 395 00:15:27,148 --> 00:15:29,320 you stuffed a bunch of pillows and a mop 396 00:15:29,352 --> 00:15:30,939 in your bed to make it look like you're asleep 397 00:15:30,970 --> 00:15:33,296 and you're literally sneaking out the back gate. 398 00:15:33,321 --> 00:15:35,851 Okay. I'm going to Mindy's. 399 00:15:35,882 --> 00:15:39,087 I don't want to live forever in a boring, beige house 400 00:15:39,112 --> 00:15:40,978 with a weird, horny cokehead, but look at 401 00:15:41,003 --> 00:15:42,211 what you're asking me to do. 402 00:15:42,236 --> 00:15:44,569 Make a deal with an actual devil 403 00:15:44,604 --> 00:15:47,171 so that I can then do homework in secret. 404 00:15:47,207 --> 00:15:49,607 And by the way, you're not my friends, man. 405 00:15:49,643 --> 00:15:51,242 We've known each other for, like, a week. 406 00:15:51,277 --> 00:15:53,044 You know it's more than that. 407 00:15:53,079 --> 00:15:54,111 We've been through some version of this 408 00:15:54,147 --> 00:15:56,381 800 different times. 409 00:15:56,416 --> 00:15:58,916 And who cares that it's only been a week? 410 00:15:58,952 --> 00:16:00,451 How long do you have to know someone before you 411 00:16:00,486 --> 00:16:04,020 - do the right thing? - Nine weeks, minimum. 412 00:16:04,056 --> 00:16:05,589 - Okay. - Look, bro, 413 00:16:05,624 --> 00:16:07,624 I don't owe you anything. 414 00:16:07,660 --> 00:16:10,193 I gotta do what's right for me. 415 00:16:11,263 --> 00:16:12,929 You can come with me if you want. 416 00:16:12,965 --> 00:16:15,366 I got another mop we can put in the bed. 417 00:16:15,401 --> 00:16:16,933 Good luck. 418 00:16:27,645 --> 00:16:29,479 I got a couple more questions. 419 00:16:29,514 --> 00:16:31,080 Sure. Take your time. 420 00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:33,082 We're not in a hurry or anything. 421 00:16:33,117 --> 00:16:35,149 How many times in all the reboots 422 00:16:35,185 --> 00:16:36,618 did I ask Chidi for help, 423 00:16:36,653 --> 00:16:38,720 he refused to help me and then I had to 424 00:16:38,756 --> 00:16:40,088 get better on my own? 425 00:16:40,123 --> 00:16:41,590 Never. He always helped you. 426 00:16:41,625 --> 00:16:43,124 God. 427 00:16:43,159 --> 00:16:44,726 - Really? - Yep. 428 00:16:44,762 --> 00:16:46,261 No matter how I set it up, 429 00:16:46,296 --> 00:16:48,997 you found him, confessed you didn't belong, 430 00:16:49,032 --> 00:16:51,399 asked him for help, and he said yes. 431 00:16:51,434 --> 00:16:54,268 Now his agreeing to help was part of my plan. 432 00:16:54,303 --> 00:16:56,404 What wasn't part of my plan 433 00:16:56,439 --> 00:16:58,506 was it actually working. 434 00:16:58,541 --> 00:17:00,007 Drove me nuts. 435 00:17:00,042 --> 00:17:01,308 Pesky little nerd. 436 00:17:01,343 --> 00:17:03,143 Stuck with you and always helped you 437 00:17:03,178 --> 00:17:06,079 overcome your biggest problem. 438 00:17:06,115 --> 00:17:08,481 Assuming that's my selfishness. 439 00:17:08,517 --> 00:17:10,082 No. No, no, no. 440 00:17:10,118 --> 00:17:11,317 It's that you never found a haircut 441 00:17:11,352 --> 00:17:13,653 that framed your face properly. 442 00:17:13,688 --> 00:17:18,190 - Yes, your selfishness. - I'm not that selfish. 443 00:17:18,226 --> 00:17:20,627 Eleanor, your cocaine and escape train are ready. 444 00:17:20,662 --> 00:17:23,396 - Not now. - Okay. 445 00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:28,300 I think Michael is a liar. 446 00:17:28,335 --> 00:17:30,636 I think there's a 99% chance he's forking with us. 447 00:17:30,671 --> 00:17:34,339 But he's asking us for help, so we should help him. 448 00:17:34,374 --> 00:17:36,308 Because that's what Chidi would do. 449 00:17:36,343 --> 00:17:38,343 That's what Chidi would do for me 450 00:17:38,378 --> 00:17:39,678 or for any of us. 451 00:17:39,713 --> 00:17:42,314 - It's what I am doing. - I know. 452 00:17:42,349 --> 00:17:44,348 It's just... you're talking about me like I'm not here 453 00:17:44,383 --> 00:17:48,786 or something and that just makes me feel weird. 454 00:17:48,822 --> 00:17:51,021 All right. We're all in. 455 00:17:51,057 --> 00:17:52,323 We'll help you. 456 00:17:52,358 --> 00:17:53,724 You finally listened to reason. 457 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:56,327 On one condition. 458 00:17:56,362 --> 00:18:00,330 You wanna be on our team, you gotta be on our team. 459 00:18:00,365 --> 00:18:02,332 Which means the professor over here 460 00:18:02,367 --> 00:18:05,635 is gonna give us all lessons on how to be better people. 461 00:18:05,671 --> 00:18:07,370 Including you. 462 00:18:07,405 --> 00:18:09,205 Oh, no. 463 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:11,541 No, I won't be taking any classes. 464 00:18:11,577 --> 00:18:13,710 I'm an immortal being 465 00:18:13,745 --> 00:18:16,079 with abilities you can only dream... 466 00:18:16,114 --> 00:18:18,681 Yeah, and we're in Arizona, dirtbag. 467 00:18:18,716 --> 00:18:22,485 A human turtleneck, a narcissistic monster, 468 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:25,821 and literally the dumbest person I've ever met. 469 00:18:25,857 --> 00:18:28,357 And who am I? Describe me now. 470 00:18:28,392 --> 00:18:30,359 We are all going to take classes. 471 00:18:30,394 --> 00:18:32,495 We are all going to improve. 472 00:18:32,530 --> 00:18:35,196 And the second you betray us, I walk into 473 00:18:35,231 --> 00:18:36,731 Vicky's stinky chowder restaurant 474 00:18:36,766 --> 00:18:38,232 and tell her everything. 475 00:18:38,267 --> 00:18:40,201 You agree to those terms, 476 00:18:40,236 --> 00:18:43,505 and you can join us on Team Cockroach. 477 00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:45,239 So what's it gonna be? 478 00:18:45,274 --> 00:18:47,341 You're running out of time. 479 00:18:47,377 --> 00:18:49,711 And we're your only option. 480 00:18:51,881 --> 00:18:54,381 So it's all frozen yogurt places now, huh? 481 00:18:54,416 --> 00:18:56,517 Yeah, yogurt was what we started with. 482 00:18:56,552 --> 00:18:58,385 A lot of us like the first version best 483 00:18:58,420 --> 00:19:04,290 so we went back to 322 perfectly matched human souls, 484 00:19:04,326 --> 00:19:06,226 blended together in a blissful, 485 00:19:06,261 --> 00:19:09,128 harmonic balance. 486 00:19:09,163 --> 00:19:10,630 - Well done. - I've only given 487 00:19:10,665 --> 00:19:13,566 this opening day tour to you like, 800 times. 488 00:19:13,601 --> 00:19:17,737 Hey, how's this for my oh-my-God-I'm-in-Heaven face? 489 00:19:17,772 --> 00:19:19,238 - Not bad. - Right? 490 00:19:19,273 --> 00:19:21,741 I'm a pretty good liar. 491 00:19:21,776 --> 00:19:23,743 Now I wanna introduce someone that you're gonna 492 00:19:23,778 --> 00:19:25,410 get to know very well. 493 00:19:25,445 --> 00:19:27,245 She was the top point getter, so she'll be 494 00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:28,647 helping me out around the neighborhood, 495 00:19:28,682 --> 00:19:30,549 kind of like your mayor. 496 00:19:30,584 --> 00:19:32,417 Vicky Sengupta! 497 00:19:33,954 --> 00:19:35,587 Vicky, would you like to say a few words? 498 00:19:35,622 --> 00:19:38,924 Actually, Michael, I'd like to sing a few words. 499 00:19:38,959 --> 00:19:40,391 Janet, hit it. 500 00:19:44,296 --> 00:19:47,665 ? At first I was afraid, I was petrified ? 501 00:19:47,700 --> 00:19:50,167 ? Kept thinking I could never live ? 502 00:19:50,202 --> 00:19:52,036 ? Without you by my side ? 503 00:19:52,505 --> 00:19:54,729 We should have a few hours to ourselves. 504 00:19:54,808 --> 00:19:56,541 Vicky's working on her performance 505 00:19:56,566 --> 00:19:58,132 for the welcome party tonight. 506 00:19:58,157 --> 00:20:00,600 It looks like pretending to enjoy her singing 507 00:20:00,625 --> 00:20:02,025 is gonna be half our job here. 508 00:20:02,050 --> 00:20:04,230 I got her to tell me how she was gonna torture you 509 00:20:04,255 --> 00:20:05,808 at the party, which is basically 510 00:20:05,833 --> 00:20:07,233 the same way I did. 511 00:20:07,279 --> 00:20:09,112 Eleanor gets drunk, 512 00:20:09,146 --> 00:20:10,646 hogs all the shrimp, 513 00:20:10,682 --> 00:20:12,615 insults people, etcetera. 514 00:20:12,650 --> 00:20:14,250 Whatever bad stuff you do 515 00:20:14,285 --> 00:20:17,420 becomes the basis for the chaos tomorrow morning. 516 00:20:17,455 --> 00:20:19,755 Okay, okay. So my job is to get drunk 517 00:20:19,790 --> 00:20:21,122 and insult people. 518 00:20:21,157 --> 00:20:22,290 I think I can hack that. 519 00:20:22,326 --> 00:20:23,925 Now, Chidi, I'm gonna need you 520 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:26,928 to act nervous and embarrassed by Eleanor. 521 00:20:26,963 --> 00:20:28,763 - Way ahead of you. - Tahani, just be 522 00:20:28,798 --> 00:20:30,232 your fabulous self. 523 00:20:30,267 --> 00:20:34,102 And Jason, you're good old silent Jianyu the monk. 524 00:20:34,137 --> 00:20:37,404 So I told Vicky that I would handle the surveillance 525 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:38,639 on the four of you. 526 00:20:38,674 --> 00:20:40,741 That'll let us meet each day 527 00:20:40,776 --> 00:20:42,776 for Chidi's ethics lessons, 528 00:20:42,811 --> 00:20:45,178 which will apparently include me. 529 00:20:45,214 --> 00:20:47,414 Even though that's transparently insane. 530 00:20:47,450 --> 00:20:49,783 Cool. And, um, Janet, you're not gonna 531 00:20:49,818 --> 00:20:51,952 - rat us out, right? - Well, Jason, 532 00:20:51,987 --> 00:20:53,854 I've been thinking about this a lot 533 00:20:53,889 --> 00:20:56,188 over the last 1.3 milliseconds, 534 00:20:56,224 --> 00:20:59,158 I'm not allowed to lie, but my purpose 535 00:20:59,193 --> 00:21:00,860 is to make humans happy. 536 00:21:00,895 --> 00:21:03,663 And since you're the only actual humans here, 537 00:21:03,698 --> 00:21:05,431 I'm on board for whatever fun little schemes 538 00:21:05,467 --> 00:21:06,866 you guys come up with. 539 00:21:06,901 --> 00:21:10,035 Okay, bring it in. Team huddle. 540 00:21:10,071 --> 00:21:12,804 The Bad Place is about to be outsmarted 541 00:21:12,839 --> 00:21:15,440 by a cowardly traitor, four dum-dums, 542 00:21:15,476 --> 00:21:17,208 - and a robot. - Not a robot. 543 00:21:17,244 --> 00:21:18,477 We can do this. 544 00:21:18,512 --> 00:21:19,978 Team Cockroach on three. 545 00:21:20,013 --> 00:21:21,112 One, two, three. 546 00:21:21,148 --> 00:21:24,215 - Team Cockroach! - Bobcats! 547 00:21:24,251 --> 00:21:26,685 I still think that's better.