Heaven is empty, God is gone.
We want you to take His place.
_
As long as I got a badge in my wallet,
there isn't gonna be any damn apocalypse.
This is God's chosen one?
Why, I could never let you take him.
He must have some bigger plan.
God's going to replace us.
Well, you're right about that. Unless...
I think it's ready,
but there's only one way to find out.
Shh, shh, shh.
A bit more.
My God. It works perfectly.
I'll never doubt you again, my brother.
? ...he truly feels ?
? Und not the words ?
? Of one who kneels ?
? Ze record shows ?
? I took the blows ?
? Und did it ?
? Me-e-in way ?
- Wunderbar! - Wunderbar!
Und now, ladies unt gentlemen,
your next Little Mister Dusseldorf...
for ze fourth year in a row,
Klaus Starr!
Thank you.
Thank you. Thanks so much.
? I'll alvays be happy. ?
Congratulations, Dieter...
Mr. Congeniality, three years straight.
Congratulations... everyone.
Get him.
You're ze star, aren't you, Klaus?
I wonder what kind of star you would be
vithout your looks?
Star! Star! Star! Star! Star!
Star! Star! Star! Star!
My beauty!
My eye!
We're okay.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Oh, don't be. No. You just had a bad dream.
- It's perfectly normal during this procedure. - Wub.
My...
genitals.
- We saved what we could... - Mm.
which turned out to be nothing.
- Wub. - Yes, no doubt it is a fine spigot,
but that's cold comfort to him.
Well, you saved my life at least.
What, may I ask,
are your names?
Well, I'm Karl Chunt,
and these are my brothers, Ernie and Cyrus.
Wub.
Let's get some food in you.
Ah, there.
Little comfort food, eh?
Put some meat back on those bones.
Mm.
That's good.
Ernie made it.
Mm. Mm.
I'm sorry.
It's been so long since someone's showed me kindness.
I've had so much...
taken from me.
People are cruel.
Mm.
You...
You're eating me!
Oh! Well, we all are.
You're the guest. You got first bowl.
Idiots! Do you have any idea?
I am the most powerful man in the w...
Stop that!
Not another bite!
Listen to me, you knit-browed monkey dullards,
my location has been broadcast via subdural transponder.
I would think twice
before you choose how to proceed.
At this precise moment,
the world's most lethal operatives
are converging on this very spot to rescue me and to kill you!
- Wub? - Shut up!
Oh!
You've got your blood pressure up, don't you?
You know what that means, Ernie.
Yeah, It's time for your favorite!
It's thigh time.
Thigh!
Sir, I'm here to...
Synced and corrected by VitoSilans- ...www.Addic7ed.com...
Ugh.
After all He's done,
knowing what He "plans to do,"
you're really gonna stick with God, like a child?
I gave you my answer.
Yeah, well, it's a shit one.
Then I guess it's back to watching my dad
get killed over and over.
I'll let you in on something, Fiore.
I've had that playing in my head since I was 10 years old.
Your little filmstrip ain't gonna change shit.
Let me let you in on something, Preacher.
The filmstrip part of things is over.
It's a bit wrathful-lookin', isn't it?
Old Testament-like.
Yeah?
Well, let's find out.
Aaah! Aaaaah!
Alright, well, come on, just do it.
No.
He killed Jesse in front of us...
I'm doing this in front of Him.
We are in front of him! He's God.
He can see us on the bloody toilet, can't he?
I want to see Him seeing it.
Come out and face us, you sack a shit!
Huh.
He'll make His move.
We're gonna stay right here until He does.
Ohh.
_
Alright.
Well, then...
Let's find a place
for our little family.
Who have we got here? We got Daddy pine cone.
Alright.
We've got Mommy pine cone there.
Oh!
And who is this little bastard here?
Who's that?
- Humperdoo pine cone! - Okay, over here.
They new batteries?
Yeah. I switched 'em out this morning.
These, too.
Got plenty of spares.
Come on, turn around.
Now...
let's go to the moon.
Ohh!
God's here.
You got to go. You got to go to the moon.
Oh, to the moon!
To the "moom"!
One Mississippi, two Mississippi,
three Mississippi, four Mississippi,
five Mississippi, six Mississippi,
seven Mississippi, eight, nine,
and...
boom.
To the moom!
Aw. He cracks me up.
Do you know what I'm saying? I mean...
there's something about him, right?
Aw, he's adorable.
And he's the only thing
that of shit God cares about,
so when the time comes...
Yeah. Well, you're right.
Gloves are off.
Just don't forget why we're here.
Okay?
You'll do great!
Mm.
It feels wrong.
Nein, nein.
Fear und doubt, you cannot let them
cloud your judgment or your will to act.
No, it's just, uh...
I'm overstepping.
Listen to me, Jesus.
And I speak from experience.
There comes a time in life
- where you simply has to do ze right thing. - Right.
I'm worried that... that we're doing the wrong thing.
Nein.
Nein!
We cannot, and we will not!
- Hmm. - I know. That's what I'm saying.
I know.
What?
Oh, don't worry. We are exactly on ze same page.
My condolences, Allfather,
for ze passing of the Christ child.
Suicide.
So tragic.
And yet they say depression is a sign of genius...
Cut the bullshit, Hitler.
We all know he didn't kill himself.
And we all know he was just a clone of the real Humperdoo,
whom we still cannot find.
In other words, we know we failed.
It's over...
no Messiah, no dance,
no apocalypse.
On ze other hand...
there is something else we know.
We have Jesus... of Nazareth...
the original, accept-no-substitutions Messiah.
You speak of clones.
What is this missing Christ child
but a clone of our Freund here?
Him.
We wouldn't be in this mess
if he hadn't been caught whoring around.
One time, okay?
And it was 2,000 years ago.
And she wasn't a whore.
Let us show you something.
It's not necessary...
? This speech is my recital ?
? I think it's very vital ?
? To rock a rhyme, that's right on time ?
- ? Here we go! ? - ? "It's Tricky" is the title ?
? It's tricky to rock a rhyme ?
? To rock a rhyme that's right on time ?
? It's tricky ?
? It's tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky ?
? It's tricky to rock a rhyme ?
? To rock a rhyme that's right on time ?
? It's tricky ?
? Tr-Tr-Tricky, tricky, t-t-t-tricky ?
? I met this little girlie ?
? Her hair was kinda curly ?
? Went to her house and bust her out ?
? I had to leave real early ?
? These girls are really sleazy ?
? All they just say is "please me" ?
? Or spend some time and rock a rhyme ?
- Enough! - ? I said, "It's not that easy" ?
? It's... ?
It's not up to me.
So, save your ghetto gyrations
for someone whose dick doesn't require constant descaling.
Humperdoo is the Chosen One,
and he is the one that your Father wants.
Not you...
not ever.
"Hump"!
Humperdoo!
Hump!
Bollocks. Hump!
How the hell'd he get away, Cass?
Because I needed to pee, alright?
Look, I don't like doing it in front of him.
He thinks I'm trying to play.
Well, you should've switched with me.
Look, I...
Look at that!
Can you believe that?
Humperd... Humperdoo.
Hump!
- Humperdoo. - Huh?
Come here.
- Over here. - Oh!
- Oh, uh... - I know!
Uh...
Holy shit!
Dude, that was biblical!
Dog.
Yeah, sure it was a dog.
Listen, we're gonna have to check you for ticks now.
- Aw! - "Aw"! For real, for real, man.
- Wha? - Messing with wild deer.
Unbelievable, dude!
Ha.
That was biblical, man.
God damn it.
We've been looking all over the place for you.
Let's go inside and think.
Ugh.
Oh, Klaus.
I thought you wanted to be beautiful again.
I do.
But I can't find the Child.
I've tried everything.
I just don't know where he is.
That's because...
you never asked.
Bring him home,
and you'll get your looks back.
Thanks.
What do you think now?
About what?
God.
You still got questions for Him?
You ever hear that story about the drunk general
who got caught reading his map sideways?
It was back in the war...
middle of a big battle.
Colonel rides up on his horse and says to the General,
"What do we do?"
Our General says,
"We're gonna march right up that hill."
The Colonel sees the sideways map
in the General's hand but...
he follows orders just like everybody else,
so he sends his men up that hill
into a slaughter.
You could hear them boys laid up on that hill,
screaming into the night, all the next day...
whole hill...
screaming and...
dying...
all because the Colonel followed his orders.
You were the Colonel.
I was the General.
I never heard you talk that much.
Thought you were doomed to walk the Earth?
Where did you get that horse?
No.
You hear that, Preacher?
That's what's coming, 'cause of you.
You better sit on that throne...
Preacher!
Sorry.
But there's only one way out of here.
Oh.
This is just a test.
Yeah, it's a test... of your stupidity.
God's plan is real, okay?
We're not... We're not muckin' about.
We think we put ants up your bottom for fun?
He's testing my faith.
This can't be His plan.
There has to be something more.
Of course there's more. There's always more.
There's... There's... There's whips
and saws and chains
and molten magma smeared over your buttocks
like butter
on a cream cracker.
A what?
It's a biscuit. It's a... It's a square...
Look, that doesn't matter!
Jesus, Fiore.
Those speedballs have turned you into a dick.
Do what you have to do.
I like biscuits.
Just put him on the throne.
It's not that kind of biscuit.
Jesse...
live!
They're just sitting down to eat.
Ohh.
Ohh!
Alright.
- Yeah? - Oh, yeah!
- Yeah? - Mmm!
It's good stuff. What's in here?
What is that? Ugh. Are they blueberries?
Yeah. Good, right?
On a burger? It's very surprising.
Hump here sure loves it. Look at that!
Yeah.
Sorta does, doesn't he?
Oh, what, are you kidding me? He is a huge fan.
Are you kidding me?!
It's probably...
It's probably just a l... a little bug.
You know, it happens t...
Wow!
Ugh.
Wow.
I think this is contagious.
_
Hey, Hump.
Huh?
Time to go to the moon.
Ah!
To the moom!
Hump to the moom!
- Hello, Marnie. - Oh, man.
I am so sick...
- Aah! - Oh! J...
Sir, I'd like to renew my request
- to put a bullet in this... - Where is the Child?!
Oh, he's long gone.
Target acquired.
Let's go.
What?
Do it.
- What? - Cass.
Hold on, hold on. Let's think about this.
Take him out.
No.
Give it to me.
Look, I'm not gonna kill Hump, alright?
He hasn't done anything.
Give it... or I'll take it.
Look, I respect you, alright,
and your skills as a fighter, Tulip...
but, honestly, love, I'm a bloody vampire.
You know, there's no way in hell you're...
No, no, no!
- Okay. We're good. - Go, go, go!
To the moom!
Whoa!
Shit.
I'm sorry about...
That's alright.
I was mansplaining a bit, wasn't I?
Mm-hmm.
It's just gonna be such a bitch to pull out.
So, what do we do now?
What else?
We gotta go get him.
Mm-hmm.
To save him or to kill him?
_
Hello, my child.
Yes, yes.
It's really Me.
It's not a trick.
You're not in Hell.
I brought you back.
I did it.
I refused.
They tried everything they could.
They burnt me, they tortured me,
but I refused!
- I refused! - I know you did.
It was just a test.
The whole damn thing,
my whole life was a test, right?
- Yes! It was! - And I passed!
Ye...
So you don't have to start again.
You don't have to end the world, because I passed!
You came...
so close.
Close?
What do ya mean?
I didn't forsake you. I...
I didn't sit on your throne.
Yeah, but... you wanted to.
I wanted to?
Are you serious?
You sinned
in your heart, Jesse.
Is that not serious?
You're gonna end the world because I was tempted?
"All have sinned,
and fallen short of the glory of God."
You're making it sound
like there was no way to pass the test.
I gave Mankind free will.
Your choices are your own, and so are the consequences.
You made us this way.
I made you in My own image.
A little thanks would be nice.
Thank You?
For what?
Kids with cancer?
The Kardashians?
Aah!
Ah.
Look at you...
staring at Me.
Is this how your father raised you...
to look your Lord right in the eye?
This Creation's been...
well, it's been a nice run.
Aw, don't despair.
You've still got a little part to play
before it's all said and done.
See you at the Apocalypse.
Oh.
Don't forget to bring your friends.
Grail members!
Please clear a path
as your Allfather
makes his way to the stage!
Here he is, fully restored to his ageless beauty,
your Allfather!
Soldiers, functionaries, temps,
and other servants of the Grail...
your Messiah has returned!
My friends, at long last, the Apocalypse has...
- An air date? - That's right.
An air date.
Your guy can get us in?
Mm.
Good.
Feels like the end almost, huh?
I guess we all gotta die sometime, eh?
Yeah.
Patrick and Murphy...
they're out fishing at sea
and the engine on the boat dies.
_
"Patrick, what in the hell'd you do that for?
Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat."
Oy. Mate.
We heard you in line yesterday,
talkin' shit.
"Talkin' shit"?
'Bout a man that commands a lot of respect
around here.
Aw, no, no. I didn't mean that, okay?
Look, I've got nothing but respect.
No, no, no!
Clapton is God!
Attention, all pedophiles, please report to the nurse dispensary.
Attention, pedophiles, the nurse dispensary is now open...
_
I feel okay.
Mm.
Aw, bollocks.
Kamal!
Look, I told you, man,
I'm gonna help you out with the bodies tomorrow.
Christ.
I...
Cass...
Tulip?
I'm back.
Synced and corrected by VitoSilans- ...www.Addic7ed.com...