1
00:00:02,164 --> 00:00:04,250
All right,
let's get this over with.

2
00:00:05,730 --> 00:00:08,431
This proceeding and any
sentences arising therefrom

3
00:00:08,456 --> 00:00:11,477
shall be conducted under
the Federation Judicial Code,

4
00:00:11,502 --> 00:00:13,436
Article Nine,
in re attempted murder

5
00:00:13,461 --> 00:00:16,228
and mutiny, both capital offenses.

6
00:00:16,330 --> 00:00:17,547
Now, I know you've all been sworn,

7
00:00:17,548 --> 00:00:19,559
and I have read your complaints.

8
00:00:19,584 --> 00:00:21,561
- I have a question.
- Is it, "What's the best way

9
00:00:21,586 --> 00:00:23,496
- to interrupt a judge?"
- No.

10
00:00:23,521 --> 00:00:25,531
- Then...
- It's, "Why does a spaceship

11
00:00:25,633 --> 00:00:28,756
have an enormous
dedicated courtroom in it?"

12
00:00:28,781 --> 00:00:31,444
- Yeah, right?
- I don't know! I didn't build it.

13
00:00:31,445 --> 00:00:34,148
Well, it's ridiculous.
I basically sleep in a coffin,

14
00:00:34,173 --> 00:00:38,156
and this could have been...
2 1/2 squash courts.

15
00:00:38,750 --> 00:00:41,967
- Ooh, or a holodeck!
- We have a holodeck.

16
00:00:41,992 --> 00:00:43,703
- Yeah, but we never use it.
- Can we please...

17
00:00:43,728 --> 00:00:46,787
Oh, so hey, why not
just have the holodeck

18
00:00:46,812 --> 00:00:50,493
- turn into a courtroom?
- Ooh, or 2 1/2 squash courts.

19
00:00:50,518 --> 00:00:52,351
Order! Order, or I will

20
00:00:52,383 --> 00:00:54,671
hold you all in a different
kind of contempt.

21
00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:59,718
Now, then, Mr. Figgis,
are the people ready to proceed?

22
00:01:01,425 --> 00:01:03,226
Oh, yeah.

23
00:01:04,595 --> 00:01:06,523
Uh...

24
00:01:08,210 --> 00:01:10,289
Oh, uh, sorry.
Yes, Your Honor, the, uh...

25
00:01:10,592 --> 00:01:11,531
What is...

26
00:01:11,796 --> 00:01:13,757
Oh, come on, seriously?

27
00:01:15,140 --> 00:01:19,226
Yes, Your Honor.
The people are ready to proceed.

28
00:01:19,251 --> 00:01:20,451
That's what I thought.

29
00:01:20,628 --> 00:01:23,140
And is the defendant
ready to proceed?

30
00:01:23,165 --> 00:01:26,881
No, the defendant is not
because there is no defendant

31
00:01:26,906 --> 00:01:30,171
because this whole thing
is a sham and a farce,

32
00:01:30,196 --> 00:01:32,920
and I don't recognize
this kangaroo court's authority

33
00:01:32,945 --> 00:01:35,937
because it's presided over
by a male prostitute.

34
00:01:35,962 --> 00:01:37,953
- Courtesan!
- Pobobot!

35
00:01:38,416 --> 00:01:40,585
And by God, you will recognize it

36
00:01:40,610 --> 00:01:43,526
because prior to my
current circumstances,

37
00:01:43,551 --> 00:01:47,257
for 16 years, I was a
Federation High Court Justice!

38
00:01:47,282 --> 00:01:49,578
- I have a question.
- Woman, I swear to God.

39
00:01:49,603 --> 00:01:51,600
How'd you go from being
a Federation judge

40
00:01:51,625 --> 00:01:54,898
- to, like, blowing space truckers?
- Well, missy...

41
00:01:55,695 --> 00:01:59,234
Th-that is a...
oh, that is a long, crazy story.

42
00:02:00,289 --> 00:02:01,842
But it is entirely nongermane

43
00:02:01,867 --> 00:02:04,468
to the solemn proceeding
before this bench.

44
00:02:04,921 --> 00:02:06,732
And so, Mr. Archer,

45
00:02:06,953 --> 00:02:09,740
having reminded you that
the man who represents himself

46
00:02:09,765 --> 00:02:13,818
- has a fool for a client...
- I'm not representing myself.

47
00:02:13,843 --> 00:02:18,218
- Well, then who is?
- Oh, just TV's Michael Gray.

48
00:02:18,937 --> 00:02:22,912
Who, for reasons known but to God,
is wearing seersucker.

49
00:02:22,937 --> 00:02:25,775
So if you wanna go ahead
and do that motion to dismiss,

50
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:27,800
now would, uh,
maybe be a good time.

51
00:02:28,740 --> 00:02:30,690
Oh, and also, we wish to countersue.

52
00:02:30,715 --> 00:02:31,896
- I'm not typing that.
- What?

53
00:02:31,921 --> 00:02:34,451
- I'm gonna allow it!
- For injuries and damages

54
00:02:34,452 --> 00:02:36,818
from you assholes
attempting to murder me

55
00:02:36,843 --> 00:02:39,281
so Lana could steal half of the ship.

56
00:02:39,359 --> 00:02:41,744
Well, when TV's Michael Gray
is done with you,

57
00:02:41,769 --> 00:02:43,769
I'm gonna own your half.

58
00:02:44,023 --> 00:02:46,605
So, hey, I don't think
this is going as well

59
00:02:46,630 --> 00:02:48,507
as you think it's going.

60
00:02:50,502 --> 00:02:52,710
You goddamn crook.

61
00:03:24,562 --> 00:03:31,046
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~

62
00:03:36,936 --> 00:03:39,880
Jesus, okay.
I think that's enough.

63
00:03:39,905 --> 00:03:41,272
I don't wish to cause the witness

64
00:03:41,297 --> 00:03:43,397
- any further distress.
- I'm fine, Your Honor.

65
00:03:43,422 --> 00:03:45,155
- What about my magazine?
- Will you...

66
00:03:45,180 --> 00:03:47,561
There's lots more video, Your Honor.

67
00:03:47,586 --> 00:03:49,488
Like the part when Pam
smashed me in the head

68
00:03:49,513 --> 00:03:51,698
- with a fire extinguisher.
- Yeah!

69
00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:52,765
Play that! Ka-klunk!

70
00:03:54,913 --> 00:03:56,679
Do the people have
any further questions

71
00:03:56,704 --> 00:03:59,224
- for this witness?
- Not at this time, Your Honor.

72
00:03:59,249 --> 00:04:03,390
- Then your witness.
- Well? Uh, what are you waiting for?

73
00:04:04,815 --> 00:04:06,788
Get up there and cross-examine her.

74
00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:10,609
- What are you, hourly?
- I think I would be, if I was a lawyer.

75
00:04:10,634 --> 00:04:13,036
- Damn it.
- Look at me. Look at me. Look at me.

76
00:04:13,061 --> 00:04:14,613
Something is wrong with your brain.

77
00:04:14,638 --> 00:04:17,439
You need to plead not guilty
by reason of insanity.

78
00:04:17,464 --> 00:04:21,593
Beg them for mercy and realize
you're hallucinating me.

79
00:04:23,053 --> 00:04:26,475
- I'll see you disbarred for this.
- Great, look forward to it.

80
00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:29,677
Point of procedure. I, uh, no
longer wish to be represented

81
00:04:29,702 --> 00:04:32,530
- by TV's Michael Gray.
- All righty.

82
00:04:32,843 --> 00:04:35,574
Are the people okay with him
not having an imaginary lawyer?

83
00:04:35,599 --> 00:04:38,554
- They're great with it.
- Then your witness.

84
00:04:38,579 --> 00:04:42,038
Thank you.
Now, then, Miss Kane, is it?

85
00:04:43,701 --> 00:04:44,882
Yup.

86
00:04:47,132 --> 00:04:48,833
Um...
Damn, I had something for this.

87
00:04:48,858 --> 00:04:51,357
- Did ya?
- Actually, can we maybe

88
00:04:51,358 --> 00:04:56,810
call her back at a, uh, time
later than, um... later than now?

89
00:04:56,835 --> 00:04:59,431
You're just a regular Clarence Darrow.

90
00:05:00,065 --> 00:05:01,888
You may step down.
Thank you.

91
00:05:02,101 --> 00:05:05,271
- Call your next witness.
- Your Honor, the people call

92
00:05:05,296 --> 00:05:08,483
- the defendant's mother, Malory Archer.
- Ooh.

93
00:05:11,467 --> 00:05:13,905
Come on, are we not doing that?

94
00:05:18,218 --> 00:05:19,161
- Ooh.
- Oh, come on.

95
00:05:19,186 --> 00:05:21,843
- Are you kidding me?
- Sit down, sir!

96
00:05:21,868 --> 00:05:24,804
Are you... she's dressed
exactly like Marlene Dietrich

97
00:05:24,829 --> 00:05:26,452
in "Witness for the Prosecution,"

98
00:05:26,477 --> 00:05:29,468
right down to the hair
and the rakish little beret.

99
00:05:30,093 --> 00:05:31,310
Are you seeing this?

100
00:05:31,335 --> 00:05:33,124
- Are you?
- What?

101
00:05:33,341 --> 00:05:36,366
How the...
Objection. I object.

102
00:05:36,391 --> 00:05:38,881
- To what?
- I will ask the question!

103
00:05:39,163 --> 00:05:40,951
It's actually the same question.

104
00:05:40,976 --> 00:05:42,785
I don't know. Everything!

105
00:05:42,810 --> 00:05:44,709
Oh, then I guess we can all go home.

106
00:05:44,734 --> 00:05:45,585
Can we?

107
00:05:45,610 --> 00:05:47,788
- What the hell is happening?
- Don't look at me.

108
00:05:47,813 --> 00:05:50,019
God damn it, TV's Michael Gray.

109
00:05:50,044 --> 00:05:52,452
- Uh, Your Honor...
- Wait, wait, shut up.

110
00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:55,530
- You shut up!
- Order! You're out of order!

111
00:05:55,555 --> 00:05:58,185
You're out of order!
You're out of order!

112
00:05:58,218 --> 00:06:00,444
This whole trial is out of order!

113
00:06:00,593 --> 00:06:02,257
Th-they're out of order!

114
00:06:02,282 --> 00:06:03,772
Everybody shut up!

115
00:06:03,874 --> 00:06:05,774
And you bang that thing
one more time,

116
00:06:05,806 --> 00:06:08,675
- I'll break it off inside you.
- Legit phrasing.

117
00:06:09,108 --> 00:06:09,826
Shh! Listen.

118
00:06:09,851 --> 00:06:11,208
Proximity alert.

119
00:06:11,233 --> 00:06:12,052
- What's going on?
- What alert?

120
00:06:12,077 --> 00:06:13,757
Why the hell is there a proximity...

121
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:15,842
- Whoa!
- Ow!

122
00:06:16,249 --> 00:06:17,007
Collision.

123
00:06:17,032 --> 00:06:18,905
How the...
Who's on the bridge?

124
00:06:18,930 --> 00:06:20,880
Nobody, because we're all down here

125
00:06:20,905 --> 00:06:23,396
at this goddamn kangaroo railroad.

126
00:06:23,421 --> 00:06:26,507
- What?
- The... the... the... the... the...

127
00:06:28,015 --> 00:06:30,392
- Choo-choo!
- Krieger! Why aren't you up there?

128
00:06:30,417 --> 00:06:34,896
- Well, then who would do this?
- Holy shit, dude, that's really good.

129
00:06:34,921 --> 00:06:36,193
You don't think it's derivative?

130
00:06:36,218 --> 00:06:38,021
No, 'cause I don't know
what that is.

131
00:06:38,046 --> 00:06:40,546
- It's when...
- Krieger! Status report!

132
00:06:42,413 --> 00:06:43,545
Right?

133
00:06:44,046 --> 00:06:46,380
Okay, uh, we've got
moderate hull damage

134
00:06:46,405 --> 00:06:49,029
- to starboard amidships, um...
- From what?

135
00:06:49,054 --> 00:06:52,644
I don't know. Jesus. Turn that
thing to the exterior cameras.

136
00:06:52,669 --> 00:06:54,015
Oh, right.

137
00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:58,968
- Oh, my God.
- A Dri'n attack barge.

138
00:06:58,969 --> 00:07:03,021
- Which means...
- Boarding party.

139
00:07:03,046 --> 00:07:05,124
And there ain't no party
like a boarding party

140
00:07:05,149 --> 00:07:07,296
'cause a boarding party don't stop.

141
00:07:08,848 --> 00:07:11,177
Well, until these monstrous bastards

142
00:07:11,210 --> 00:07:13,585
have slaked their thirst for blood.

143
00:07:14,045 --> 00:07:17,710
And let me tell you, these little
devils are just parched.

144
00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:21,850
I know, right?
Barry-6, out.

145
00:07:21,875 --> 00:07:24,083
Wh-what do we do?
What do we do?

146
00:07:24,108 --> 00:07:25,721
Well, the first thing
we've gotta do...

147
00:07:25,746 --> 00:07:28,319
and I'm sure we can all
agree on this...

148
00:07:28,699 --> 00:07:30,522
is declare a mistrial.

149
00:07:37,605 --> 00:07:39,710
Come on, man.
What's taking so long?

150
00:07:41,335 --> 00:07:42,468
"Space metal"?

151
00:07:42,851 --> 00:07:45,091
Think about how dumb that sounds.

152
00:07:45,116 --> 00:07:47,757
Now, come on, let's
peel this banana and...

153
00:07:47,782 --> 00:07:50,640
Take a bite.
I mean, before they all get away

154
00:07:50,665 --> 00:07:52,897
- in an escape pod, of course.
- Cyril!

155
00:07:52,922 --> 00:07:54,107
- Lana...
- You are not...

156
00:07:54,132 --> 00:07:55,942
- I'm serious.
- Abandoning ship.

157
00:07:55,967 --> 00:07:58,751
- Do not make me hit you.
- Excuse me?

158
00:07:58,853 --> 00:08:01,021
No, I... I didn't mean that.

159
00:08:01,022 --> 00:08:02,722
- Whoa!
- Ow!

160
00:08:03,171 --> 00:08:06,021
- Serves you right!
- Trying to cut the line like that!

161
00:08:06,046 --> 00:08:08,357
What...
No one is abandoning ship!

162
00:08:08,382 --> 00:08:11,202
- We're gonna stay here and fight!
- I really don't think we should.

163
00:08:12,304 --> 00:08:14,366
- Yeah, good luck with that.
- Meaning?

164
00:08:14,391 --> 00:08:16,404
Meaning those freaks are literally gonna

165
00:08:16,429 --> 00:08:18,327
- chew you up and spit you out.
- Well...

166
00:08:18,352 --> 00:08:19,866
Or not spit you out.

167
00:08:19,891 --> 00:08:21,657
I don't know about pirate
dining etiquette,

168
00:08:21,682 --> 00:08:23,639
but definitely the chewing up part.

169
00:08:23,664 --> 00:08:26,333
Well, nobody asked you,
since last I checked,

170
00:08:26,358 --> 00:08:27,874
you're a goddamn mutineer.

171
00:08:27,899 --> 00:08:30,349
Well, the last I checked...
and I'm not being facetious...

172
00:08:30,374 --> 00:08:32,085
- nice sweater dress.
- What?

173
00:08:32,110 --> 00:08:33,389
- Sweater dress?
- What?

174
00:08:33,414 --> 00:08:38,444
- So you think maybe you are crazy?
- I'm crazy?

175
00:08:38,469 --> 00:08:41,295
- I mean...
- She's crazy if she thinks she can fight off

176
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:44,874
an entire barge full of murderous
Dri'n pirates without me.

177
00:08:45,349 --> 00:08:47,817
- Uh, first of all...
- Hull breach.

178
00:08:47,842 --> 00:08:49,718
- Oh, no.
- Oh, that's no good.

179
00:08:49,743 --> 00:08:51,043
Talk about crazy, huh?

180
00:08:54,021 --> 00:08:56,326
Whoo!
Now, that's what I call a nice gash.

181
00:08:59,099 --> 00:09:01,553
No, we're not doing space phrasing.

182
00:09:02,224 --> 00:09:03,904
Uh, because it's derivative.

183
00:09:03,929 --> 00:09:06,963
- And also because I said so.
- Hull breach.

184
00:09:06,988 --> 00:09:09,717
- I'm the only chance you've got.
- He's right, you know.

185
00:09:09,742 --> 00:09:13,349
- Yeah, you gotta let him go.
- That, or let us in that damn pod!

186
00:09:13,374 --> 00:09:16,912
- I vote pod.
- Cyril! And, I'm sorry, have we all forgotten

187
00:09:16,937 --> 00:09:20,622
he basically sexually assaulted me
with a rolled-up magazine?!

188
00:09:20,647 --> 00:09:22,004
- No.
- That's evidence.

189
00:09:22,029 --> 00:09:24,934
- You're evidence!
- And there was nothing sexual about it.

190
00:09:24,959 --> 00:09:28,724
I don't know.
I thought it was pretty sexy.

191
00:09:30,146 --> 00:09:33,106
On opposite day!
Gross, you guys!

192
00:09:33,131 --> 00:09:36,278
- Goddamn.
- Lana, I'm sorry I attacked you.

193
00:09:36,303 --> 00:09:38,403
I honestly don't know
what got into me.

194
00:09:38,428 --> 00:09:42,022
And when this is over, you can
punish me however you see fit.

195
00:09:42,023 --> 00:09:44,246
- It's howmever.
- Shut up!

196
00:09:44,348 --> 00:09:46,903
But this calls for some
serious swashbuckling,

197
00:09:46,928 --> 00:09:50,356
and no one else can
buckle swashes like me, so...

198
00:09:50,381 --> 00:09:52,176
Xenomorphs detected.

199
00:09:52,201 --> 00:09:54,309
- Oh, no!
- Your call.

200
00:09:54,334 --> 00:09:56,404
Xenomorphs detected.

201
00:10:05,412 --> 00:10:07,160
Xenomorphs detected.

202
00:10:07,185 --> 00:10:08,985
You're damn right, they are.

203
00:10:09,264 --> 00:10:10,893
Get some! Yeah.

204
00:10:10,918 --> 00:10:13,886
Be a hitter, big gun.
And have fun out there.

205
00:10:13,928 --> 00:10:16,481
Oh, hey, and, uh,
if anyone finds Archer,

206
00:10:16,506 --> 00:10:19,708
remember, he's all mine.

207
00:10:19,946 --> 00:10:21,770
Okay, so Mother... here you go...

208
00:10:21,795 --> 00:10:23,433
is gonna lure them into the holodeck.

209
00:10:23,458 --> 00:10:25,950
- Why?
- Well, for one thing, because shut up.

210
00:10:25,975 --> 00:10:29,122
But remember... here you go...
if we have to fall back...

211
00:10:29,147 --> 00:10:31,448
and we can probably
go ahead and make that

212
00:10:31,473 --> 00:10:34,143
"when we fall back"...
here, take some of these...

213
00:10:34,168 --> 00:10:37,942
fall back to the escape pod.
The pod is the Alamo.

214
00:10:37,967 --> 00:10:41,020
If we're just gonna go back there,
why'd we leave in the first place?

215
00:10:41,045 --> 00:10:43,378
Because the goal
isn't to run away so fast,

216
00:10:43,403 --> 00:10:46,425
- it makes your vagina flap.
- Plus, all the guns are in here.

217
00:10:46,450 --> 00:10:49,232
- Not all of them.
- You got the sentry guns online?

218
00:10:49,233 --> 00:10:52,442
- Yep, yep, yep.
- Okay. Here we go!

219
00:10:56,223 --> 00:11:00,136
- A and B guns firing.
- Wait, wait, wait. At what?

220
00:11:00,161 --> 00:11:01,348
What?

221
00:11:03,233 --> 00:11:06,167
- 80, 60...
- What the shit, Krieger?

222
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:07,239
40.

223
00:11:09,136 --> 00:11:13,038
- That's it.
- Then what was the point?

224
00:11:13,785 --> 00:11:15,160
- Mm-mm-mm. Director's cut?
- Ugh.

225
00:11:15,201 --> 00:11:16,754
- Right?
- Wait, what?

226
00:11:17,590 --> 00:11:19,676
Uh, did they even hit anybody?

227
00:11:21,137 --> 00:11:23,551
So then just totally pointless.

228
00:11:26,403 --> 00:11:29,083
Unless you lean on them,
you big dummy.

229
00:11:29,108 --> 00:11:31,250
- Okay, Mother...
- Archer!

230
00:11:31,275 --> 00:11:34,070
- That's your cue.
- And just how exactly

231
00:11:34,095 --> 00:11:35,961
am I supposed to lure those creeps

232
00:11:35,986 --> 00:11:38,965
to the holodeck without
getting myself killed?

233
00:11:41,856 --> 00:11:43,645
Oh, right, right,
right, right, right.

234
00:11:44,590 --> 00:11:45,879
Duh.
? Toodles ?

235
00:11:45,904 --> 00:11:47,416
The rest of you, follow me.

236
00:11:47,622 --> 00:11:50,793
Move, Cyril.
I want to hear it flap.

237
00:11:51,101 --> 00:11:53,483
Come on, Archer.
You can run, but...

238
00:11:53,508 --> 00:11:56,242
Well, I guess you can hide, obviously.

239
00:11:56,282 --> 00:11:58,683
But stop doing it
is what I'm saying.

240
00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:00,135
- ? Yoo-hoo ?
- Huh?

241
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,558
Who's up for some
bopping and booping?

242
00:12:02,583 --> 00:12:04,360
I'll bop your boop, you little...

243
00:12:05,020 --> 00:12:07,203
Why would it be a ruse?

244
00:12:07,228 --> 00:12:08,961
Come on, you mother humpers.

245
00:12:11,335 --> 00:12:14,083
Jeezy Petes, you really are crazy!

246
00:12:14,108 --> 00:12:16,312
We're sitting ducks.
There's no cover.

247
00:12:16,337 --> 00:12:19,262
Jesus Christ, do you nerds
really never come down here?

248
00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:22,118
- Oh!
- This is incredible!

249
00:12:22,143 --> 00:12:24,729
I know, right?
Plus, upstairs, there's a bunch

250
00:12:24,754 --> 00:12:28,809
of hologram whores giving out
old-timey 50-cent blow jobs.

251
00:12:29,066 --> 00:12:32,723
- Wait, what makes them old-timey?
- Uh, they're 50 cents?

252
00:12:35,754 --> 00:12:37,356
Hoooo, Mikey Mike!

253
00:12:43,551 --> 00:12:47,086
Whoa!

254
00:12:50,691 --> 00:12:55,362
- Is now the best time for that?
- A lot better than it's about to be.

255
00:12:55,387 --> 00:12:56,762
How many are there?

256
00:12:57,333 --> 00:13:00,645
- Scores.
- Like, literally scores or...

257
00:13:01,062 --> 00:13:02,862
Cyril, get your shit together.

258
00:13:02,887 --> 00:13:05,192
Now, listen, you gotta let 'em
come into our killing zone.

259
00:13:05,217 --> 00:13:07,668
Don't just start blasting away
the second you...

260
00:13:08,324 --> 00:13:14,426
Suppressing fire!

261
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:21,053
Whoo!

262
00:13:27,610 --> 00:13:30,535
- Goddamn, dude.
- Seriously.

263
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,227
You shot all my guys.

264
00:13:32,485 --> 00:13:34,328
Oh, for... way to go, Cyril.

265
00:13:34,353 --> 00:13:36,929
- What?
- "What?" I'm supposed to be the hero.

266
00:13:36,954 --> 00:13:38,054
- Doing what?
- Seriously, Archer?

267
00:13:38,055 --> 00:13:39,563
- Wow.
- Well?

268
00:13:40,797 --> 00:13:44,777
- That is pathetic.
- So are sweater vests.

269
00:13:44,879 --> 00:13:46,218
- Huh?
- What's a sweater vest?

270
00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:48,847
Hey, asshole,
you really wanna be the hero?

271
00:13:48,872 --> 00:13:52,084
- I mean...
- Then let's just you and me play.

272
00:13:52,844 --> 00:13:53,772
Danger.

273
00:13:53,797 --> 00:13:56,561
The self-destruct system
is now activated.

274
00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:58,067
Why do we even have that?

275
00:13:58,092 --> 00:14:01,344
- What? How?
- Because the password was...

276
00:14:01,369 --> 00:14:02,778
- "guest."
- Told you.

277
00:14:02,803 --> 00:14:05,557
Detonation in two minutes.

278
00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:07,556
- What?
- Two? No.

279
00:14:07,581 --> 00:14:08,861
I thought I set it for 20.

280
00:14:08,886 --> 00:14:10,799
- Krieger, can you override it?
- Um...

281
00:14:10,963 --> 00:14:13,009
Krieger cannot override it.

282
00:14:13,034 --> 00:14:14,869
- No.
- What do we do? What do we do?

283
00:14:14,894 --> 00:14:18,026
Well, if you hustle, I bet you can
just make it to the...

284
00:14:21,229 --> 00:14:22,876
Escape pod.

285
00:14:23,171 --> 00:14:25,104
- Come on, everybody. Move it!
- Let's go!

286
00:14:25,129 --> 00:14:26,896
All except you, Archer.

287
00:14:26,921 --> 00:14:28,510
They go.

288
00:14:29,119 --> 00:14:33,082
- You stay.
- What? No. Sterling, no!

289
00:14:33,107 --> 00:14:35,048
Mother, it's okay. You go.

290
00:14:35,073 --> 00:14:37,869
- I need to stay here for a while.
- Archer...

291
00:14:37,894 --> 00:14:40,743
Detonation in 90 seconds.

292
00:14:40,870 --> 00:14:43,073
- Go!
- Son of a...

293
00:14:43,650 --> 00:14:44,760
Come on.

294
00:14:45,679 --> 00:14:48,513
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Sterling!

295
00:14:51,003 --> 00:14:52,063
Moms, huh?

296
00:14:52,088 --> 00:14:54,977
So you're willing to die
just to make sure I do?

297
00:14:55,002 --> 00:14:56,493
- Yep.
- Why?

298
00:14:56,518 --> 00:15:00,852
Because, Archer, a long time ago
in a galaxy far, far away,

299
00:15:00,877 --> 00:15:04,855
you put your nasty dick
in my fiancée's butthole.

300
00:15:05,635 --> 00:15:07,887
Wait, wait, wait, that...
that's what this is about?

301
00:15:07,912 --> 00:15:09,945
- Oh, yes.
- Uh, what was her name?

302
00:15:10,446 --> 00:15:12,313
- Simone?
- Framboise!

303
00:15:12,338 --> 00:15:15,165
Detonation in 60 seconds.

304
00:15:15,190 --> 00:15:19,015
Jesus Christ.
Well, if it's any consolation, Barry,

305
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:20,948
I can't even remember
what she looks li...

306
00:15:22,515 --> 00:15:24,760
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- But wait!

307
00:15:24,785 --> 00:15:26,868
- Couldn't we...
- Malory, we need to move.

308
00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:30,374
- We've only got...
- Detonation in 30 seconds.

309
00:15:30,399 --> 00:15:32,682
- That.
- No, no, no, wait!

310
00:15:34,003 --> 00:15:37,181
- Wait. Just wait a second. Wait.
- What?

311
00:15:38,932 --> 00:15:40,238
Chicken butt.

312
00:15:41,182 --> 00:15:42,774
Chicken butt, Barry!

313
00:15:42,799 --> 00:15:46,058
Detonation in 15 seconds.

314
00:15:46,323 --> 00:15:48,290
Escape pod launched.

315
00:15:48,971 --> 00:15:51,163
Yes!
They're safe, Barry.

316
00:15:51,188 --> 00:15:52,898
Detonation in ten...

317
00:15:52,923 --> 00:15:54,566
- Are they?
- Nine...

318
00:15:54,591 --> 00:15:56,391
- What?
- Eight...

319
00:15:56,416 --> 00:15:58,290
- Are they safe?
- Seven...

320
00:15:58,315 --> 00:15:59,587
- Yes.
- Six...

321
00:15:59,612 --> 00:16:00,990
So you're the big man, huh?

322
00:16:01,015 --> 00:16:02,852
- Five...
- Yes, Barry, I am.

323
00:16:02,877 --> 00:16:04,610
- Four...
- I'm huge.

324
00:16:04,635 --> 00:16:06,389
- Three...
- Not what Framboise said.

325
00:16:06,414 --> 00:16:07,515
- Two...
- Oh, really?

326
00:16:07,540 --> 00:16:08,673
- Because...
- One.

327
00:16:08,698 --> 00:16:10,524
Shit, I had something for...

328
00:16:10,549 --> 00:16:11,604
Ignition.

329
00:16:24,377 --> 00:16:27,666
Rampaaaaaage!

330
00:16:29,502 --> 00:16:32,634
- Ugh.
- Sterling Malory Archer.

331
00:16:32,659 --> 00:16:34,821
Code name Duchess.

332
00:16:34,846 --> 00:16:38,182
So here's the thing. I need
to access my operations account,

333
00:16:38,207 --> 00:16:39,430
and you're preventing that.

334
00:16:39,455 --> 00:16:42,542
Now, we can do this easy,
or we can do it hard.

335
00:16:42,567 --> 00:16:45,501
The thought of me dead
gives you an erection?

336
00:16:45,526 --> 00:16:48,705
- Jesus Christ!
- Your call.

337
00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:51,046
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

338
00:16:51,415 --> 00:16:53,282
Drink, drink, drink, drink!

339
00:16:53,307 --> 00:16:54,384
Ow! Ow!

340
00:16:54,409 --> 00:16:55,948
Bawk! Bawk!

341
00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:58,503
- Archer!
- I'm coming!

342
00:16:58,528 --> 00:16:59,776
Phrasing, boom!

343
00:17:04,361 --> 00:17:07,323
Okay, let's try that a...
Oh, shit!

344
00:17:07,721 --> 00:17:09,119
Survey says...

345
00:17:09,502 --> 00:17:13,213
- Don't try to do anything stupid.
- I don't have to try.

346
00:17:17,632 --> 00:17:19,632
I'll show you who's boss.

347
00:17:19,955 --> 00:17:21,776
How do you like that?

348
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:27,049
- Hey, asshole!
- Lana.

349
00:17:28,672 --> 00:17:30,010
Lana.

350
00:17:31,533 --> 00:17:32,566
Lana!

351
00:17:34,260 --> 00:17:36,690
- Lanaaaaa!
- What?

352
00:17:37,135 --> 00:17:38,509
? Danger zone ?

353
00:17:38,534 --> 00:17:42,214
Sterling Archer, I'd like
you to meet your daughter,

354
00:17:42,705 --> 00:17:45,727
- Abbiejean.
- Why is that who named like me?

355
00:17:45,767 --> 00:17:49,659
Because he's your son,
you colossal idiot.

356
00:17:49,684 --> 00:17:51,615
Until you can look at your mother

357
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:53,774
and see her
not just as your mother

358
00:17:53,799 --> 00:17:55,227
but as a person...

359
00:17:55,252 --> 00:17:57,498
When have I ever
been honest with Sterling?

360
00:17:57,523 --> 00:17:58,807
You can't grow up.

361
00:17:59,657 --> 00:18:01,657
Honey, you still got it.

362
00:18:01,682 --> 00:18:04,186
? Bow-chicka-bow-bow,
a-huh-huh ?

363
00:18:04,365 --> 00:18:06,098
Pretty much my whole life,

364
00:18:06,130 --> 00:18:08,627
my default setting has been half-ass.

365
00:18:08,900 --> 00:18:09,984
Whoo-who cares?

366
00:18:10,009 --> 00:18:12,524
Imagine as I literally
beat you to death

367
00:18:12,549 --> 00:18:14,946
that a giant hand has turned my dial

368
00:18:14,971 --> 00:18:18,354
from half-ass
to quadruple-ass.

369
00:18:23,691 --> 00:18:26,058
Oh, booyakasha!

370
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:29,587
I've been shot, stabbed,
set on fire, poisoned, shot,

371
00:18:29,612 --> 00:18:31,860
sexually assaulted,
partially chewed,

372
00:18:31,885 --> 00:18:34,193
shot,
and declared legally dead

373
00:18:34,218 --> 00:18:35,284
twice on the same day.

374
00:18:35,285 --> 00:18:38,612
- Think you might have a problem.
- Yeah, Lana, it's called cancer.

375
00:18:40,916 --> 00:18:41,916
Archer?

376
00:18:41,941 --> 00:18:44,252
- Are you...
- The man who cheated death?

377
00:18:47,279 --> 00:18:48,446
I might be immortal.

378
00:18:48,471 --> 00:18:50,415
Archer!

379
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:54,979
- This close.
- ? Rebound ?

380
00:18:56,323 --> 00:19:01,376
? Rebound ?

381
00:19:04,325 --> 00:19:06,369
Goddamn Barry.

382
00:19:07,217 --> 00:19:08,901
- Mother?
- Sterling?

383
00:19:08,926 --> 00:19:10,282
W-w-wait, what are you...
what are you...

384
00:19:10,307 --> 00:19:13,321
- I...I...
- I know you didn't just break

385
00:19:13,346 --> 00:19:17,259
another glass in here, because
if I told you once, I told you...

386
00:19:17,284 --> 00:19:19,680
My Lord Jesus!
God!

387
00:19:19,705 --> 00:19:22,902
- Gladys! He's awake!
- He's awake!

388
00:19:22,927 --> 00:19:26,620
Yeah, um, duh.
Wh-why am I in a hospital?

389
00:19:26,876 --> 00:19:29,249
You were shot by a crazy woman.

390
00:19:29,274 --> 00:19:31,141
Just like Eddie Waitkus!

391
00:19:31,166 --> 00:19:33,040
- Who?
- Don't get him started.

392
00:19:33,065 --> 00:19:34,617
Oh, man.
For a second there,

393
00:19:34,642 --> 00:19:36,543
I thought maybe the booze
had caught up with me.

394
00:19:36,568 --> 00:19:38,268
Ooh, speaking of...

395
00:19:39,244 --> 00:19:41,876
- With me standing right here?
- He's gonna need it.

396
00:19:41,901 --> 00:19:44,774
Wait, why?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

397
00:19:44,799 --> 00:19:46,776
H-how long have I been here?

398
00:19:47,674 --> 00:19:49,429
- Mother?
- Sterling...

399
00:19:49,454 --> 00:19:51,416
Mother, how long
have I been here?

400
00:19:52,241 --> 00:19:54,107
- Three years.
- What?

401
00:19:54,148 --> 00:19:56,081
No. Three...

402
00:19:56,260 --> 00:19:58,516
Wait, not... no.
No, no, no.

403
00:19:58,541 --> 00:20:00,134
Y-you want me to call Dr. Gorenstein?

404
00:20:00,159 --> 00:20:02,360
Oh, please.
You think he could be bothered?

405
00:20:02,385 --> 00:20:04,596
At midnight on a Sunday?

406
00:20:05,424 --> 00:20:10,798
- Plus, what would his mistress say?
- So bad.

407
00:20:10,823 --> 00:20:13,485
Wait, why are you here
at midnight on a Sunday?

408
00:20:13,510 --> 00:20:17,281
- Well, I, um...
- She's always here.

409
00:20:17,306 --> 00:20:19,705
Oh, now, not always.

410
00:20:30,659 --> 00:20:33,073
Let me get you some ice chips.

411
00:20:34,659 --> 00:20:36,071
For three years?

412
00:20:36,096 --> 00:20:38,390
I wanted to be here
when you woke up.

413
00:20:40,327 --> 00:20:44,992
Okay, so, like,
wh-wh-what about Lana?

414
00:20:45,017 --> 00:20:47,500
- Lana?
- Hey, wait, do I have a kid?

415
00:20:47,525 --> 00:20:51,009
There's plenty of time
to talk about all of that.

416
00:20:51,418 --> 00:20:54,111
The important thing
is that you're back

417
00:20:54,516 --> 00:20:57,671
- and we're together.
- Um, uh, okay.

418
00:20:57,705 --> 00:21:02,398
After all, the real story's
always been about you and me.

419
00:21:02,423 --> 00:21:05,450
- What are you...
- Which, when you think about it,

420
00:21:06,056 --> 00:21:10,080
at its heart,
it's really a love story.

421
00:21:10,399 --> 00:21:14,352
- Please, Mother, don't say that.
- It's true.

422
00:21:14,377 --> 00:21:21,837
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