1
00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:03,786
? It seems today that all you see ?

2
00:00:03,787 --> 00:00:07,423
? Is violence in movies and sex on TV ?

3
00:00:07,424 --> 00:00:10,876
? But where are those good
old-fashioned values ?

4
00:00:10,877 --> 00:00:13,893
? On which we used to rely? ?

5
00:00:13,894 --> 00:00:16,929
? Lucky there's a family guy ?

6
00:00:16,930 --> 00:00:20,566
? Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ?

7
00:00:20,567 --> 00:00:22,168
? All the things that make us ?

8
00:00:22,169 --> 00:00:23,935
? Laugh and cry ?

9
00:00:23,936 --> 00:00:28,378
? He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ?

10
00:00:28,379 --> 00:00:33,577
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com

11
00:00:33,578 --> 00:00:36,849
We now return
to Vedder Call Saul.

12
00:00:36,850 --> 00:00:38,603
? Hey, Saul ?

13
00:00:38,604 --> 00:00:41,252
? Got into a little trouble
and I'm gonna need a lawyer ?

14
00:00:41,253 --> 00:00:42,650
? Hey-ey ?

15
00:00:42,651 --> 00:00:44,356
Okay, so tell me exactly what happened.

16
00:00:44,357 --> 00:00:46,892
? I was driving ?

17
00:00:46,893 --> 00:00:49,527
? Had a bit to drink and then
I ran into a milk truck ?

18
00:00:49,528 --> 00:00:50,929
? Yeah-ah ?

19
00:00:50,930 --> 00:00:52,264
Were you on drugs?

20
00:00:52,265 --> 00:00:54,600
? "E" and blow. ?

21
00:00:54,601 --> 00:00:56,634
Turn that off. I'm mad at TV.

22
00:00:56,635 --> 00:00:58,036
Peter, what's wrong?

23
00:00:58,037 --> 00:01:00,271
Family Guy has been around since 1999

24
00:01:00,272 --> 00:01:02,698
and whenever it's time for the
Emmys, they don't give us one.

25
00:01:02,699 --> 00:01:03,699
I'm sick of it!

26
00:01:03,700 --> 00:01:06,034
Well, I'm not making another
episode with The Simpsons.

27
00:01:06,035 --> 00:01:07,113
What did that get us?

28
00:01:07,114 --> 00:01:08,547
I'll tell you what it got us.

29
00:01:08,548 --> 00:01:10,282
More ink for The Simpsons.

30
00:01:10,283 --> 00:01:13,040
Yeah. "Simpsons plays
down to competition."

31
00:01:13,041 --> 00:01:14,887
"Simpsons step into the sewer."

32
00:01:14,888 --> 00:01:16,922
"Shame on you, Simpsons."

33
00:01:16,923 --> 00:01:18,757
Those lucky bastards.

34
00:01:18,758 --> 00:01:20,940
Well, this week, we do classy comedy.

35
00:01:20,941 --> 00:01:22,060
Emmy comedy.

36
00:01:22,061 --> 00:01:23,896
I think that's a great idea.

37
00:01:23,897 --> 00:01:26,398
It's about time we made
some quality television

38
00:01:26,399 --> 00:01:28,882
like Modern Family,
Girls and Transparent.

39
00:01:28,883 --> 00:01:30,023
That's the spirit.

40
00:01:30,024 --> 00:01:33,139
Griffins, let's make this
our Emmy-winning episode.

41
00:01:33,140 --> 00:01:35,508
So get all your pukes and farts out now.

42
00:01:39,778 --> 00:01:41,847
I mean, I mean, I mean...

43
00:01:41,848 --> 00:01:43,749
not funny.

44
00:01:51,507 --> 00:01:54,960
Kids, it's me, tu madre, Lois Griffin.

45
00:01:54,961 --> 00:01:56,328
Time for breakfast.

46
00:01:56,329 --> 00:01:58,535
Oh, yeah.

47
00:01:58,536 --> 00:02:00,943
Good morning, Lois,
which is who you are.

48
00:02:00,944 --> 00:02:03,109
My wife, Lois. Hugging my wife.

49
00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:09,275
Package for Peter Griffin.

50
00:02:09,276 --> 00:02:11,343
Thank you, unknown delivery woman.

51
00:02:11,344 --> 00:02:12,645
Forget the freaking Emmy.

52
00:02:12,646 --> 00:02:14,806
If you touch her ass, I will...

53
00:02:14,807 --> 00:02:16,514
"Amazon."

54
00:02:16,515 --> 00:02:19,218
Ay, my Uncle Alejandro
lives in the Amazon.

55
00:02:19,219 --> 00:02:22,555
Do you think he has sent us
shoes made from banana leaves?

56
00:02:22,556 --> 00:02:24,723
Boy, the, uh, the ethnic characters

57
00:02:24,724 --> 00:02:26,057
on these Emmy-winning shows

58
00:02:26,058 --> 00:02:28,121
aren't exactly rocket
scientists, are they?

59
00:02:28,122 --> 00:02:30,609
I don't know what you
talkin' about, Liz Lemon.

60
00:02:30,610 --> 00:02:32,917
No, this is something I ordered, for me.

61
00:02:36,019 --> 00:02:38,262
I am a woman and always have been.

62
00:02:38,263 --> 00:02:40,372
I've made plans to undergo surgery

63
00:02:40,373 --> 00:02:43,209
so my wang don't get in the
way of the woman what I am.

64
00:02:43,210 --> 00:02:44,896
Ay, dios mio.

65
00:02:44,897 --> 00:02:47,356
Lois, I'll still be a
parent to our children.

66
00:02:47,357 --> 00:02:50,149
But now I'll be a trans-parent.

67
00:02:50,150 --> 00:02:51,983
Get it? Transparent?

68
00:02:51,984 --> 00:02:53,237
Clever pun, right?

69
00:02:55,145 --> 00:02:56,896
Please, honor me for my courage.

70
00:03:03,547 --> 00:03:06,358
I think gender-reassignment
surgery is very brave

71
00:03:06,359 --> 00:03:08,418
and the fat man should win
some kind of award for it.

72
00:03:08,419 --> 00:03:10,691
- The fat woman.
- He hasn't chopped it off yet.

73
00:03:10,692 --> 00:03:13,487
That doesn't matter. Peter
already identifies as a woman.

74
00:03:13,488 --> 00:03:15,908
And on karaoke night, I
identify as George Michael.

75
00:03:15,909 --> 00:03:17,408
That doesn't mean it's true.

76
00:03:17,409 --> 00:03:20,112
Brian's just mad because
he has to be the lady one.

77
00:03:20,113 --> 00:03:22,100
Which makes you the one
who's gay in real life.

78
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:26,185
Daddies, I'm standing
here, delivering my line

79
00:03:26,186 --> 00:03:28,748
with more emotion and less of a monotone

80
00:03:28,749 --> 00:03:32,024
than the actual Lily on Modern Family.

81
00:03:32,025 --> 00:03:34,426
I'm now confident enough
to share my truth

82
00:03:34,427 --> 00:03:37,548
with the rest of my loved ones,
beginning with my son, Chris.

83
00:03:40,437 --> 00:03:41,744
Bazinga, Father.

84
00:03:41,745 --> 00:03:44,683
Assuming father is still the
appropriate designation.

85
00:03:45,605 --> 00:03:46,864
What-what are you doing?

86
00:03:46,865 --> 00:03:48,607
Waiting for the laugh to die down.

87
00:03:48,608 --> 00:03:50,108
I'm here because I've decided

88
00:03:50,109 --> 00:03:52,273
to become the woman I am inside.

89
00:03:52,274 --> 00:03:54,813
Can you find it in your
heart to accept me?

90
00:03:54,814 --> 00:03:58,217
Oh, Dad, science has moved so far past

91
00:03:58,218 --> 00:03:59,864
binary gender construction.

92
00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:01,907
And if being a woman makes you happy,

93
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:05,302
then in the words of Mr.
Spock, "It's only logical."

94
00:04:05,303 --> 00:04:07,092
Wow, I couldn't follow any of that,

95
00:04:07,093 --> 00:04:09,228
but look how smart your audience is.

96
00:04:09,229 --> 00:04:11,281
Ha-ha.

97
00:04:16,503 --> 00:04:18,462
Louis C.K.? Is that you?

98
00:04:18,463 --> 00:04:20,508
Yup. I'm a big fan of yours, Peter.

99
00:04:20,509 --> 00:04:23,525
Wow, that's great because if
Louis C.K. likes something,

100
00:04:23,526 --> 00:04:25,431
- everyone has to.
- That's right.

101
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:28,113
Well, I'm glad my popularity
has cooled off just enough

102
00:04:28,114 --> 00:04:30,269
that you were able to get me to do this.

103
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,282
Bye, Peter.

104
00:04:31,283 --> 00:04:34,149
Boy, he's not afraid
to go there, I'm told.

105
00:04:38,158 --> 00:04:40,259
- Norm!
- Norm!

106
00:04:40,260 --> 00:04:42,661
Ative gender roles have
been turned upside down.

107
00:04:42,662 --> 00:04:44,162
Correct, Quagmire.

108
00:04:44,163 --> 00:04:46,166
I'm going in for
gender-reassignment surgery.

109
00:04:46,167 --> 00:04:47,232
What the hell, Peter?!

110
00:04:47,233 --> 00:04:48,633
First my dad and now you?

111
00:04:48,634 --> 00:04:50,703
Am-am I... is it... am I
doing this to people?

112
00:04:50,704 --> 00:04:53,005
Is it... do you guys feel like
cutting off your penises?

113
00:04:53,006 --> 00:04:57,141
No, but I can turn it inside out
like rolling up a dress sock.

114
00:04:57,142 --> 00:04:58,943
You guys aren't supporting my choice?

115
00:04:58,944 --> 00:05:00,279
Well, what do you expect, Peter?

116
00:05:00,280 --> 00:05:01,929
I-I mean a sex change operation?

117
00:05:01,930 --> 00:05:03,114
Why are you doing this?

118
00:05:03,115 --> 00:05:05,116
I'll tell you why I'm doing all of this.

119
00:05:05,117 --> 00:05:06,222
For me.

120
00:05:06,223 --> 00:05:08,833
M-E. M-E.

121
00:05:08,834 --> 00:05:11,186
I'm doing it for M-E.

122
00:05:16,479 --> 00:05:18,649
Ew. I mean, yay!

123
00:05:24,637 --> 00:05:28,539
Man or woman, I'm a big fat joke.

124
00:05:28,540 --> 00:05:30,542
No one takes me seriously.

125
00:05:30,543 --> 00:05:32,544
I do, Dad.

126
00:05:32,545 --> 00:05:36,915
You've inspired me to nakedly
eat this cake in a weird place.

127
00:05:36,916 --> 00:05:39,818
Thanks to you, I now believe in me.

128
00:05:39,819 --> 00:05:41,053
Me.

129
00:05:41,054 --> 00:05:42,520
M-E.

130
00:05:42,521 --> 00:05:44,615
I believe in M-E.

131
00:05:45,918 --> 00:05:48,227
Okay, okay, all right.

132
00:05:48,228 --> 00:05:49,880
Don't want one that bad.

133
00:05:53,350 --> 00:05:55,167
Peter, I'd like to introduce the surgeon

134
00:05:55,168 --> 00:05:57,269
who will perform your procedure today.

135
00:05:57,270 --> 00:05:59,338
Dr. Wang Gon.

136
00:05:59,339 --> 00:06:02,441
Wow, I can't believe all you
guys came out to support me.

137
00:06:02,442 --> 00:06:05,077
You guys aren't just the
best friends I've ever had.

138
00:06:05,078 --> 00:06:07,825
You're also the best comedy.

139
00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:09,966
- Aw.
- Aw.

140
00:06:12,202 --> 00:06:13,519
Great job, everyone.

141
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:15,214
If that don't get us the
Emmy, nothing will.

142
00:06:15,215 --> 00:06:16,754
Where do you think you're going?

143
00:06:16,755 --> 00:06:19,014
Doc, I'm not actually going
through with the operation.

144
00:06:19,015 --> 00:06:20,092
I'm going home.

145
00:06:20,093 --> 00:06:22,361
We're doing this whether
you like it or not.

146
00:06:23,797 --> 00:06:26,198
Doc, no. Stop him! Somebody help!

147
00:06:26,199 --> 00:06:27,933
You want the Emmy, don't you?

148
00:06:27,934 --> 00:06:30,755
And that is how
I became your mother.

149
00:06:36,006 --> 00:06:37,390
So, the Emmy committee

150
00:06:37,391 --> 00:06:38,992
watched our submission for Best Comedy?

151
00:06:38,993 --> 00:06:40,027
Uh-huh.

152
00:06:40,592 --> 00:06:42,161
All right, thank you.

153
00:06:42,162 --> 00:06:44,737
They hated it so much, they
gave us a negative Emmy.

154
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:46,196
We now owe them an Emmy.

155
00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:48,447
The Emmys aren't fair.

156
00:06:48,448 --> 00:06:51,004
I mean, shows like Nurse
Jackie are basically dramas,

157
00:06:51,005 --> 00:06:52,840
but they get comedy awards all the time.

158
00:06:52,841 --> 00:06:54,340
That's it.

159
00:06:54,341 --> 00:06:56,743
We'll sneak into the drama category.

160
00:06:56,744 --> 00:07:00,414
That's how we'll win the Emmy
with dark, confusing plot twists

161
00:07:00,415 --> 00:07:02,086
like on Homeland or Mad Men.

162
00:07:02,087 --> 00:07:03,917
Ooh, or Breaking Bad.

163
00:07:03,918 --> 00:07:05,618
Or Mr. Robot Chicken.

164
00:07:05,619 --> 00:07:07,453
No, Chris, it's Mr. Robot.

165
00:07:07,454 --> 00:07:09,399
- Chicken.
- Mr. Robot.

166
00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:11,457
- Chicken!
- No, no, Chris, you see,

167
00:07:11,458 --> 00:07:13,693
Mr. Robot is a critically
acclaimed show.

168
00:07:13,694 --> 00:07:17,513
Robot Chicken is something
kids used to watch in 2006.

169
00:07:17,514 --> 00:07:19,433
It's basically four minutes of nonsense

170
00:07:19,434 --> 00:07:22,701
on at 1:00 in the morning
breaking up personal injury ads.

171
00:07:23,452 --> 00:07:24,653
Chicken.

172
00:07:39,985 --> 00:07:42,255
Please, don't.

173
00:07:43,222 --> 00:07:45,659
Why... won't...

174
00:07:45,660 --> 00:07:48,193
you... die?!

175
00:07:52,097 --> 00:07:53,994
_

176
00:07:53,995 --> 00:07:55,402
Shh.

177
00:07:55,403 --> 00:07:56,970
Shh, that's right.

178
00:07:56,971 --> 00:07:58,438
I'm your dad.

179
00:07:58,439 --> 00:08:00,573
Your gentle, suburban dad.

180
00:08:00,574 --> 00:08:02,842
Oh, what a twist. Shh.

181
00:08:02,843 --> 00:08:04,177
Hey, Dad.

182
00:08:04,178 --> 00:08:05,611
Sure must be tough having a son

183
00:08:05,612 --> 00:08:07,947
with goofy noodle legs like mine.

184
00:08:07,948 --> 00:08:09,415
Chris, I love you

185
00:08:09,416 --> 00:08:11,368
no matter how useless you
are in a paddleboat.

186
00:08:15,823 --> 00:08:17,824
Peter, those crows keep getting in.

187
00:08:17,825 --> 00:08:19,926
This whole house is falling apart.

188
00:08:19,927 --> 00:08:23,397
It's okay, my long-suffering,
quietly dissatisfied wife.

189
00:08:23,398 --> 00:08:24,842
We'll get everything repaired.

190
00:08:24,843 --> 00:08:26,536
How? We can't afford it.

191
00:08:26,537 --> 00:08:28,202
We have to pay for Chris's doctor bills

192
00:08:28,203 --> 00:08:30,703
and meds for our daughter in the CIA.

193
00:08:33,972 --> 00:08:35,579
Damn, she's good at her job.

194
00:08:35,580 --> 00:08:37,483
How are we ever gonna
pay all these bills

195
00:08:37,484 --> 00:08:39,178
that have been perfectly
ripped across the top

196
00:08:39,179 --> 00:08:41,512
so the words "past due" are visible?

197
00:08:41,513 --> 00:08:42,849
Oh, I just thank God

198
00:08:42,850 --> 00:08:44,852
there's no devastating
turn of events going on

199
00:08:44,853 --> 00:08:46,620
that I don't know about.

200
00:08:48,907 --> 00:08:50,738
_

201
00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:53,345
- You have cancer.
- How long do I have to live?

202
00:08:53,346 --> 00:08:54,425
One week.

203
00:08:54,426 --> 00:08:56,544
While I give the rest of your diagnosis,

204
00:08:56,545 --> 00:08:58,031
I'm going to gradually talk quieter,

205
00:08:58,032 --> 00:08:59,632
as if I'm growing distant

206
00:08:59,633 --> 00:09:02,368
to show how overwhelmed
you are by this news.

207
00:09:22,705 --> 00:09:25,024
Yo, you five-o?

208
00:09:25,025 --> 00:09:26,659
No, I'm 87.

209
00:09:26,660 --> 00:09:28,261
But how flattering.

210
00:09:28,262 --> 00:09:31,182
Now, get me drugs, scummy drug dealer.

211
00:09:31,183 --> 00:09:33,890
You got it, mayor of our city.

212
00:09:36,420 --> 00:09:39,644
Mm. I wonder which of us
is the bigger criminal.

213
00:09:39,645 --> 00:09:40,711
Oh, that's easy. You are.

214
00:09:40,712 --> 00:09:42,344
Hey, can you teach me to sell drugs?

215
00:09:42,345 --> 00:09:45,011
Hold up. Are you wearing a The Wire?

216
00:09:45,012 --> 00:09:47,280
No. I need money for sympathetic reasons

217
00:09:47,281 --> 00:09:49,183
and I have no other option than crime.

218
00:09:49,184 --> 00:09:52,418
I mean, I could sell stuff
on eBay, but... shipping.

219
00:09:52,419 --> 00:09:54,788
Well, I am pulling a
heist at a meth lab.

220
00:09:54,789 --> 00:09:56,722
I suppose I could use the help.

221
00:09:56,723 --> 00:09:58,513
Great! You won't regret this.

222
00:09:58,514 --> 00:09:59,947
When it comes to selling drugs,

223
00:09:59,948 --> 00:10:01,127
you and me will be a better team

224
00:10:01,128 --> 00:10:03,429
than the old lady's
eyeballs on Downton Abbey.

225
00:10:03,430 --> 00:10:06,567
I'm looking way over in this direction.

226
00:10:06,568 --> 00:10:09,969
And I'm looking way over here.

227
00:10:09,970 --> 00:10:13,372
That way we can see all
the awards flying at us.

228
00:10:13,373 --> 00:10:15,575
Here comes one now.

229
00:10:15,576 --> 00:10:18,444
Best Cutaway.

230
00:10:27,604 --> 00:10:30,323
Remember, kill anything that moves.

231
00:10:30,324 --> 00:10:32,458
- Even a kid?
- Especially a kid.

232
00:10:32,459 --> 00:10:35,328
You got to kill a kid at least
once a season to make people go,

233
00:10:35,329 --> 00:10:37,831
"Oh, I can't believe they killed a kid."

234
00:10:37,832 --> 00:10:39,565
Let's go.

235
00:10:42,888 --> 00:10:44,954
_

236
00:10:45,798 --> 00:10:47,055
Wait, we did this already.

237
00:10:47,056 --> 00:10:48,259
G-Go back.

238
00:10:48,260 --> 00:10:49,661
Or-Or forward?

239
00:10:49,662 --> 00:10:50,981
I'm-I'm lost.

240
00:10:50,982 --> 00:10:52,918
_

241
00:11:08,293 --> 00:11:09,780
I'll get help!

242
00:11:16,619 --> 00:11:19,139
Brian, call off
this drone strike,

243
00:11:19,140 --> 00:11:20,506
Dad needs us.

244
00:11:20,507 --> 00:11:22,842
Damn it, Meg, we're about to
take out the head of ISIS!

245
00:11:22,843 --> 00:11:24,477
Hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!

246
00:11:24,478 --> 00:11:26,380
Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!

247
00:11:26,381 --> 00:11:28,481
- Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!
- Okay, you've made your point.

248
00:11:28,482 --> 00:11:30,817
You're lucky you're so good at your job.

249
00:11:30,818 --> 00:11:32,337
Wha...?

250
00:11:56,527 --> 00:11:59,212
That was badass how it went
from the guy burning up

251
00:11:59,213 --> 00:12:01,582
to the barbecue, right? Best Director.

252
00:12:01,583 --> 00:12:03,649
Hey, Peter, I was thinking
about this Emmy thing.

253
00:12:03,650 --> 00:12:06,086
What's the most acclaimed
drama of all time?

254
00:12:06,087 --> 00:12:07,353
- The Sopranos.
- Right.

255
00:12:07,354 --> 00:12:08,670
And what's the most memorable moment

256
00:12:08,671 --> 00:12:11,529
- in the history of that show?
- Well, I'd have to say...

257
00:12:25,122 --> 00:12:27,133
Nice briefcase full of cash.

258
00:12:28,425 --> 00:12:31,043
Where'd you get the money for
a briefcase like that, Peter?

259
00:12:31,044 --> 00:12:32,388
I want in.

260
00:12:32,389 --> 00:12:36,006
I need the money to pay off my
mysterious boss, Mr. Robot.

261
00:12:36,007 --> 00:12:37,181
Chicken!

262
00:12:37,182 --> 00:12:38,636
Chris, get back in the house!

263
00:12:40,070 --> 00:12:41,755
My whole plan,

264
00:12:41,756 --> 00:12:45,092
fallin' apart like a... House of Cards.

265
00:12:45,093 --> 00:12:47,026
You know, growing up in Gaffney,

266
00:12:47,027 --> 00:12:49,595
my daddy always said,
"Turn the other cheek."

267
00:12:49,596 --> 00:12:51,564
Kevin Spacey always said,

268
00:12:51,565 --> 00:12:54,534
"I was just walkin' my dog
in that park at 3:00 a.m."

269
00:12:54,535 --> 00:12:56,370
I don't trust either one of 'em.

270
00:12:56,371 --> 00:12:59,242
I suppose it's time to
tell my wife the truth.

271
00:12:59,243 --> 00:13:00,906
Like a man.

272
00:13:02,809 --> 00:13:05,712
And then, I
sold all the drugs...

273
00:13:05,713 --> 00:13:08,749
'cause the doctor said
I had the cancer...

274
00:13:08,750 --> 00:13:10,250
and I killed the guys,

275
00:13:10,251 --> 00:13:12,752
and Joe took all the mon... the money!

276
00:13:15,055 --> 00:13:16,941
I see.

277
00:13:18,642 --> 00:13:20,394
Are... are you leavin' me?

278
00:13:20,395 --> 00:13:21,761
No, Peter.

279
00:13:21,762 --> 00:13:24,096
I'm helping you kill that cop.

280
00:13:24,097 --> 00:13:27,686
Because I'm darker than you and
the audience ever thought!

281
00:13:27,687 --> 00:13:29,236
What a twist.

282
00:13:29,237 --> 00:13:32,505
For five long years,
orange was my new black.

283
00:13:34,976 --> 00:13:37,243
Peter, I don't care if it's drug money.

284
00:13:37,244 --> 00:13:39,011
I have grown accustomed to Hulu Plus.

285
00:13:39,012 --> 00:13:41,515
If you think I'm going back to
regular Hulu, you're crazy!

286
00:13:41,516 --> 00:13:43,082
We don't even watch that much Hulu.

287
00:13:43,083 --> 00:13:44,985
I still want it just in case!

288
00:13:44,986 --> 00:13:47,587
Now take off all your clothes
so we don't get blood on 'em...

289
00:13:47,588 --> 00:13:50,259
when we kill that cop in the desert.

290
00:13:50,260 --> 00:13:53,240
Oh, the beginning all makes sense now.

291
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:56,290
_

292
00:13:56,291 --> 00:13:58,494
_

293
00:13:58,495 --> 00:14:00,349
_

294
00:14:04,368 --> 00:14:09,960
Why... won't... you... die?!

295
00:14:39,856 --> 00:14:41,140
Whoa!

296
00:14:41,141 --> 00:14:43,043
I did not see that coming.

297
00:14:43,044 --> 00:14:44,577
One more. Let's watch one more.

298
00:14:44,578 --> 00:14:46,011
Well, hold on.

299
00:14:46,012 --> 00:14:47,380
Like all television viewers,

300
00:14:47,381 --> 00:14:48,981
our first priority before deciding

301
00:14:48,982 --> 00:14:50,384
to continue watching a show

302
00:14:50,385 --> 00:14:52,651
should be whether or not it
features enough diversity.

303
00:14:52,652 --> 00:14:54,520
I felt very well-represented.

304
00:14:54,521 --> 00:14:56,088
Aw, I'm glad, honey.

305
00:14:56,089 --> 00:14:57,556
Mmm.

306
00:14:57,557 --> 00:14:59,944
Hey, thanks for letting
me come over, you guys.

307
00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:08,832
Telegram for Mr. Griffin.

308
00:15:08,833 --> 00:15:10,199
Thank you, someone's nephew.

309
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,500
Would you mind reading it out loud

310
00:15:11,501 --> 00:15:13,202
for maximum old-timey effect?

311
00:15:13,203 --> 00:15:16,038
"To P. Griffin, from the
Emmy Board of Governors.

312
00:15:16,039 --> 00:15:17,673
Dear Mr. Griffin, stop.

313
00:15:17,674 --> 00:15:19,942
We understand you've been
attempting to win an Emmy, stop.

314
00:15:19,943 --> 00:15:22,011
- Stop, stop."
- Is that all?

315
00:15:22,012 --> 00:15:23,856
No, there's another from Fleetwood Mac.

316
00:15:23,857 --> 00:15:26,216
"Don't stop, stop.
Thinking about tomorrow, stop."

317
00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:27,616
And here's one from The Supremes.

318
00:15:27,617 --> 00:15:29,611
"Stop, stop. In the name of love, stop."

319
00:15:29,612 --> 00:15:31,922
- Are you finished?
- Are you asking me to stop, stop?

320
00:15:31,923 --> 00:15:33,889
Peter, close the door.

321
00:15:33,890 --> 00:15:35,291
Well, that's it.

322
00:15:35,292 --> 00:15:36,725
We didn't get Best Drama either.

323
00:15:36,726 --> 00:15:39,261
This is hopeless. We've
tried everything.

324
00:15:40,109 --> 00:15:41,865
No, Lois, we haven't.

325
00:15:41,866 --> 00:15:45,101
But that's just what we're
gonna do... Everything!

326
00:15:45,102 --> 00:15:47,971
We're gonna try for every
single Emmy category.

327
00:15:47,972 --> 00:15:50,039
Starting with Best Stunt Performance.

328
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:52,107
Aah!

329
00:15:52,108 --> 00:15:53,575
Peter, I don't think that's a category.

330
00:15:53,576 --> 00:15:54,944
Oh, okay.

331
00:15:54,945 --> 00:15:56,880
Best Documentary.

332
00:15:56,881 --> 00:15:58,247
Aah!

333
00:16:06,105 --> 00:16:08,157
Chris
is playing my dummy nephew.

334
00:16:08,158 --> 00:16:10,760
Our family actually lines
up really well for this.

335
00:16:10,761 --> 00:16:12,661
Best Competitive Reality Show!

336
00:16:18,685 --> 00:16:20,937
- Peter, you're out.
- I'm off the show?

337
00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:22,636
No, your penis is out.

338
00:16:22,637 --> 00:16:23,935
- You're in.
- I'm in?

339
00:16:23,936 --> 00:16:26,267
No, urine is running down your leg.

340
00:16:26,268 --> 00:16:29,111
Outstanding Casting for a Comedy Series!

341
00:16:29,112 --> 00:16:31,780
Okay, so the deal is,
I get girls like you jobs.

342
00:16:31,781 --> 00:16:34,083
The jobs pay $1,000 to $5,000 a day.

343
00:16:34,084 --> 00:16:35,485
I'm recording this interview.

344
00:16:35,486 --> 00:16:37,353
And then I send the
demo tape to producers,

345
00:16:37,354 --> 00:16:38,787
and if they like you,
they're gonna hire you.

346
00:16:38,788 --> 00:16:40,584
Have you done anything like this before?

347
00:16:40,585 --> 00:16:42,659
Never. This is my first time.

348
00:16:42,660 --> 00:16:44,293
All right, now, a lot of
these scenes are gonna be

349
00:16:44,294 --> 00:16:46,095
you interacting with someone else,

350
00:16:46,096 --> 00:16:47,963
so I'll just come around
and read with you.

351
00:16:47,964 --> 00:16:49,365
Now, since I'm holding the camera,

352
00:16:49,366 --> 00:16:51,867
I'm gonna need some help
with my belt buckle.

353
00:16:51,868 --> 00:16:54,803
And there you have it,
Family Guy reaches a new low

354
00:16:54,804 --> 00:16:58,107
as it grovels and begs
for a meaningless award.

355
00:16:58,108 --> 00:17:00,342
I would say they've got about as
much chance of winning an Emmy

356
00:17:00,343 --> 00:17:04,013
as the Republican Party has
of accomplishing something.

357
00:17:05,882 --> 00:17:07,335
Peter, over here.

358
00:17:13,507 --> 00:17:17,026
Bill Maher? What are you doing
not smirking outside a church?

359
00:17:17,027 --> 00:17:18,328
Uh, yeah, I was just doing that.

360
00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:20,629
Uh, look, Peter, I'm
here for two reasons:

361
00:17:20,630 --> 00:17:23,598
first, to find out who that
Asian girl was on the couch,

362
00:17:23,599 --> 00:17:25,200
and second, to tell you that

363
00:17:25,201 --> 00:17:29,071
Family Guy will never, ever win an Emmy.

364
00:17:29,072 --> 00:17:30,472
Okay, first of all, that was Asa Akira.

365
00:17:30,473 --> 00:17:31,874
I think you knew that.

366
00:17:31,875 --> 00:17:34,543
Second, are you sayin' there's
a conspiracy against us?

367
00:17:34,544 --> 00:17:36,496
Follow the Emmy.

368
00:17:51,661 --> 00:17:53,395
It's back this way.

369
00:17:53,396 --> 00:17:55,831
And who was that Asian
girl on the couch?

370
00:17:55,832 --> 00:17:57,518
I think you knew who that was.

371
00:18:05,168 --> 00:18:07,168
_

372
00:18:07,861 --> 00:18:11,380
_

373
00:18:16,202 --> 00:18:17,786
To convey this moment of shock

374
00:18:17,787 --> 00:18:19,755
at the depth of the
conspiracy around me,

375
00:18:19,756 --> 00:18:23,026
here's Ryan O'Neal in the
movie Tough Guys Don't Dance.

376
00:18:23,027 --> 00:18:25,427
Oh, man.

377
00:18:25,428 --> 00:18:26,895
Oh, God. Oh, man.

378
00:18:26,896 --> 00:18:28,230
Oh, God.

379
00:18:28,231 --> 00:18:29,631
Oh, man.

380
00:18:29,632 --> 00:18:31,568
Oh, God. Oh, man.

381
00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:34,270
Oh, God. Oh, man. Oh, God!

382
00:18:39,376 --> 00:18:40,580
Peter, there you are.

383
00:18:40,581 --> 00:18:42,015
I've been calling you all night.

384
00:18:42,016 --> 00:18:43,295
Where the hell have you been?

385
00:18:43,296 --> 00:18:44,316
No time to explain.

386
00:18:44,317 --> 00:18:46,049
This Emmy thing goes deep.

387
00:18:46,050 --> 00:18:48,450
The same people win year
after year after year.

388
00:18:48,451 --> 00:18:51,053
It's like there's some
kind of secret society

389
00:18:51,054 --> 00:18:53,489
that takes all the awards and
is keepin' us from getting one.

390
00:18:53,490 --> 00:18:55,676
Yeah, I know. They're
all here to see you.

391
00:18:56,942 --> 00:18:58,494
Hello, Peter.

392
00:18:58,495 --> 00:18:59,795
The Michelin Man?

393
00:18:59,796 --> 00:19:00,908
You're part of this?

394
00:19:00,909 --> 00:19:04,266
No, I'm two-time
Emmy-winner Alec Baldwin.

395
00:19:04,267 --> 00:19:06,369
Peter, stop snooping around the Emmys.

396
00:19:06,370 --> 00:19:08,604
Yeah, butt out. It's
none of your business.

397
00:19:08,605 --> 00:19:10,370
Well, why not, Julie Bowen?

398
00:19:10,371 --> 00:19:12,442
Huge fan, by the way. Just huge.

399
00:19:12,443 --> 00:19:13,663
What are you hiding?

400
00:19:13,664 --> 00:19:15,110
What's the big, secret reason

401
00:19:15,111 --> 00:19:16,655
Family Guy can't win an Emmy?

402
00:19:19,266 --> 00:19:20,916
All right, we'll tell you.

403
00:19:20,917 --> 00:19:22,918
Your show sucks.

404
00:19:22,919 --> 00:19:25,087
Peter, I'm famous writer Aaron Sorkin.

405
00:19:25,088 --> 00:19:26,282
Walk and talk with me.

406
00:19:26,283 --> 00:19:27,924
You wouldn't know my work because

407
00:19:27,925 --> 00:19:29,626
I don't write for Juggs magazine.

408
00:19:29,627 --> 00:19:31,760
Let me explain "writing" to you.

409
00:19:31,761 --> 00:19:33,629
You can't take a scene
from Ferris Bueller,

410
00:19:33,630 --> 00:19:36,331
cross out the name "Ferris,"
and replace it with "Peter."

411
00:19:36,332 --> 00:19:39,701
And the racial stuff on your
show is just embarrassing.

412
00:19:39,702 --> 00:19:42,371
You have people of color
voiced by white actors.

413
00:19:42,372 --> 00:19:44,039
- No!
- Yes!

414
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,607
Hell, I'm Shonda Rhimes,

415
00:19:45,608 --> 00:19:47,876
and I'm being voiced by a white actor.

416
00:19:47,877 --> 00:19:49,144
And worst of all,

417
00:19:49,145 --> 00:19:51,813
you take this big pile of garbage,

418
00:19:51,814 --> 00:19:55,117
and you tie it all up by having
everyone sit around saying,

419
00:19:55,118 --> 00:19:57,219
"At least everything's back to normal,"

420
00:19:57,220 --> 00:19:59,054
as if something happened.

421
00:19:59,055 --> 00:20:00,856
When nothing happened!

422
00:20:00,857 --> 00:20:03,792
It was a complete waste
of everyone's time!

423
00:20:10,249 --> 00:20:12,401
Well, I'm glad all this
Emmy nonsense is over

424
00:20:12,402 --> 00:20:13,836
and things are back to normal.

425
00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:15,304
Yeah, me, too.

426
00:20:15,305 --> 00:20:16,838
You know, I may not get Emmys,

427
00:20:16,839 --> 00:20:20,284
but I do get the best award
of all... My family.

428
00:20:20,285 --> 00:20:22,338
And this e-mail from a young fan.

429
00:20:22,339 --> 00:20:24,012
"Dear sir, your show helped me

430
00:20:24,013 --> 00:20:26,264
when I was going through chemotherapy."

431
00:20:26,265 --> 00:20:27,416
Aw.

432
00:20:27,417 --> 00:20:30,519
"My favorite episode was when
Homer stays home from church..."

433
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,252
Ah, damn it, he thinks
we're The Simpsons.

434
00:20:32,253 --> 00:20:34,388
Hey, what do you say, one last try?

435
00:20:34,389 --> 00:20:35,509
Why not?

436
00:20:35,510 --> 00:20:36,641
Ladies and gentlemen,

437
00:20:36,642 --> 00:20:40,062
please enjoy this spectacular,
live-action chicken fight,

438
00:20:40,063 --> 00:20:41,430
starring Ty Burrell.

439
00:20:41,431 --> 00:20:42,597
Good night!

440
00:20:45,001 --> 00:20:47,536
Shh. Shh.

441
00:20:51,506 --> 00:20:53,060
I don't have any more room in my house.

442
00:20:53,061 --> 00:20:58,294
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com