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Oh, get in!
Hello.
Well, hell-o!
- How's your day been? - It was, um...
It was fine.
The night perked up the day no end.
- Same here. - Thank you for asking.
I mean, not that I'm being sarcastic.
I mean, really, thank you for asking.
I had a spring in my step for the first time in months.
Happy to oblige.
I hope it didn't feel like an obligation.
No, no, of course not.
Although, as you pointed out on many occasions,
it sort of is within a marriage.
Well, I think we should remain entirely positive.
Last night was a big step forward for us
in our current circumstances.
Agreed.
I have been tweeting and Instagramming about it all day.
Instagramming?
Oh, right.
I note, however, that tweeting would have been fine.
- Did it feel weird? - You first.
Why should I answer my own question?
Okay, but first I want to ask you something.
- Unconnected to the weirdness? - Connected to the sex.
Only tangentially connected to the weirdness.
Okay.
Was it, um...?
- Did you enjoy it? - Yes!
Yeah, of... Yes! Of course I... Of course I did.
I mean...
Now, you have to answer my question in light of that information.
I didn't want to make a fool of myself.
- How would you have done that? - If you'd said something like,
"No, it was a complete waste of time."
A complete waste of...?
I mean I guess I could have been reading Proust.
But I could have been doing that
instead of every sexual encounter I've ever had.
Or during.
I just meant some phrase expressing dissatisfaction.
No dissatisfaction whatsoever.
So this is all in the context of what was,
to all intents and purposes,
a mutually fulfilling sexual experience.
Mm, yes. No, you've chosen the perfect language
to describe our lovemaking to a panel
of parliamentary ombudsmen.
Carry on.
It felt weird.
It did a bit.
- You agree? - Yeah.
It was... Well, it just wasn't like marital sex at all.
I know. It was a bit like I would imagine...
... post-prison sex to be.
Post-prison sex?
Well, which one of us has been in prison?
Well, you. I mean, more than me anyway.
You can't describe it comparatively.
You've either been in or you haven't.
Well, we've both been in prison, sexually speaking,
I mean apart from my...
- Mistakes. - Yes, and you should know
that my mistakes did not in any way, um...
Well, they didn't commute the sentence,
- if you see what I mean. - No.
Well, if the prison sentence is defined
by how much time you served before... before release.
Yeah, I don't know how you could describe prison any other way.
Yes, but if you're talking about a sexual prison,
you're talking about sexual release so...
Oh.
And there was no release of that kind?
No.
Well, that wasn't what it was about.
And I wasn't really in the right frame of mind, anyway.
Well...
Well, that... That puts a whole different complexion on things.
If you don't mind me saying, that's quite a relief to me.
I slept with someone else because I wasn't feeling close
to any adult human being.
I was... lonely and I didn't feel wanted.
Mm.
Yeah. No fireworks, though.
No, no fireworks, just warmth and solace.
In terms of the prison sex thing,
what would I have been in prison for?
Oh, nothing bad.
It must have been bad by definition.
Yeah, but tax evasion, insider trading, that sort of thing.
Those people are the pits, also not terribly sexy.
Neither are people who've been lifting weights for 15 years
and are covered in tattoos.
I mean, I would be scared to have sex with one of those.
I can't imagine you would have married one in the first place.
No, but I might have met him on Tinder
or one of those things.
All the same, I can't imagine you would have...
swiped whichever way you swipe.
- How do you know you swipe? - It's common knowledge.
Not to me.
So, just to be clear,
it was good, honest, non-threatening
tax-evader sex
rather than tattooed manslaughter sex?
Exactly, but actually, without all the shortcomings
that might be implied by the prison sentence.
What shortcomings are implied by tax-evader sex?
No, not the tax evasion.
It's not the tax evasion that's important.
It's the release from prison, so the obvious shortcomings.
Oh, I think I managed to avoid those.
- You know you did. - I thought I had.
Still, good to have it confirmed.
But it wasn't just sex to you, was it?
- What do you mean? - Without feelings.
How would that work? You think I just picked you up
for a meaningless fling
after we'd put our children to bed?
No, but I wondered if I was just a body.
I don't know, it felt somehow
as if you'd separated my parts from me.
I think that's just the prison effect.
I suppose so, yes.
- And it was good sex. - Yes, really good sex,
but sort of unsettlingly good.
Are you suggesting that we had the wrong kind of sex?
I thought any sex at this point was the right kind of sex.
That is what I thought before yesterday.
I remember...
I think it was a couple of years after the boys were born
and you were feeling fat and unattractive.
Thank you.
I didn't think you were fat and unattractive.
You thought you were fat and unattractive.
- Go on. - Anyway, you asked me,
right after we'd had sex,
if I'd only wanted to because I love you
instead of... because I fancied you.
Well, that's what I felt then, ten years ago,
and now I feel something different.
Okay, but given that you've spent the years from then until now
in this industrial tumble-dryer of motherhood,
doesn't it feel good?
- Meaning what exactly? - Meaning,
isn't it nice to be a sex object in your 40s
and exactly what you would have wanted in your 30s
when you were feeling fat and unattractive?
Can you stop saying those words
- over and over again? - I don't think that you're fat.
Don't think that... Nobody could accuse you of being fat.
- But unattractive? - Or unattractive.
You waited a beat too long there.
You just basically admitted that you thought I was fat back then.
Okay, I don't know what to say now.
Well, just say the right thing and you won't have to worry.
How about this?
You were never fat and I always find you attractive.
And any type of sex with you is the right kind of sex.
God. Are you trying to butter me up?
- That depends. Is it working? - I don't know.
You getting out of prison doesn't make me a sex object.
It just means I was conveniently placed.
I hate to be unromantic,
but convenient placement is the definition of married sex.
I put down my book, I look to the other side of the bed
- and there you are. - Yes, but that's different.
Last night...
it felt as though I was a conveniently placed stranger.
People pay a lot of money to turn their husbands
into conveniently placed strangers.
Oh, God. Who do they pay?
I'm talking about sex therapy and whatnot.
"Make it strange."
Isn't that what they're always saying? And it worked.
But it's not gonna work for long, though, is it?
Okay. I give up.
Why? We're getting somewhere.
No, we stopped making love
because you were bored and I knew it.
And then we started again and you weren't bored
but you missed the boredom because it made you feel weird.
And now you're lamenting the inevitable lack of weirdness
if we do it more often.
Yes, I see that that could be confusing.
But I don't like you saying "if we do it again".
- Why? - Because in an ideal world,
I'd only want sex with you.
Wow.
- Is that really worth a "wow"? - God, yes.
I had no idea. That's pretty romantic for you.
Really? The "ideal world" part is a pretty big get-out clause.
Right.
Because, let's face it, this is not an ideal world.
No. Wait, do you mean our world or the actual world?
I wouldn't necessarily need the actual world to be ideal
before committing to monogamy, but...
Okay. Still, you weren't saying quite as much as I thought.
- Oh, shit. - What?
Oh, no, she's on her own.
Oh, dear.
Well, he probably just wasn't well enough to come.
Hopefully, otherwise...
Maybe it's got nothing to do with his health.
Maybe they've split up. Maybe he told her where to get off.
Maybe she's shagging around. That'd be good.
Why would that be good?
I thought you'd take rather a dim view of infidelity.
I take rather a dim view of your infidelity.
I don't care about hers.
Why? Because it means there's still fight?
Yes, exactly that.
There's still life.
Nothing's fixed.
Everything's uncertain and I like that.
Nothing is irreversible. See, isn't that the point?
You can still look around to see what's available
no matter how old you are.
That's right.
I think you should move back in.
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