1
00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:05,000
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com

2
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- Hi.
- Hello.

3
00:00:46,590 --> 00:00:47,591
How's your day been?

4
00:00:48,515 --> 00:00:50,403
Oh, you know.

5
00:00:50,917 --> 00:00:52,435
No. Tell me.

6
00:00:54,401 --> 00:00:55,401
What?

7
00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:57,840
Nothing. I'm just waiting
for an answer to my question.

8
00:00:58,385 --> 00:00:59,769
What, there's nothing weird about me?

9
00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:01,837
No. You look nice.

10
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:05,094
Oh, I see, okay. Right.

11
00:01:06,633 --> 00:01:09,678
- Please stop now.
- Stop saying you look nice?

12
00:01:09,703 --> 00:01:11,245
All of it, the... the...

13
00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:16,598
The smiling, the looking
at me, the get-up.

14
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It's not a get-up. I'm
hardly wearing fancy dress.

15
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The effect is somewhat similar.

16
00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:24,178
- I'm trying.
- I see that.

17
00:01:24,775 --> 00:01:28,411
- Try in a different way.
- Okay, give me some tips.

18
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For example, the text message
you sent me this morning.

19
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- Ah, more things like that?
- No, nothing like that.

20
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- What was wrong with it?
- It was creepy.

21
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"Looking forward to seeing
you later." That one?

22
00:01:37,697 --> 00:01:39,097
- Yes.
- That was creepy?

23
00:01:39,165 --> 00:01:40,474
- Yes.
- Jesus.

24
00:01:40,646 --> 00:01:42,477
- It sounds like you're trying.
- I am trying.

25
00:01:42,502 --> 00:01:43,515
Well, don't.

26
00:01:44,337 --> 00:01:45,667
I'd try if you were someone new.

27
00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:48,597
Of course, but I'm not, am I? Were
you looking forward to seeing me?

28
00:01:48,855 --> 00:01:50,835
- Oh, yes.
- That is a lie.

29
00:01:51,204 --> 00:01:52,974
No. You weren't looking
forward to seeing me, then?

30
00:01:52,998 --> 00:01:54,160
I saw you yesterday.

31
00:01:54,361 --> 00:01:56,763
But that was just, you know, parenting.

32
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We didn't have a chance to chat.

33
00:01:58,767 --> 00:02:00,466
- Have a catch-up?
- If you want.

34
00:02:01,134 --> 00:02:02,935
It's not really starting
again, though, is it?

35
00:02:03,490 --> 00:02:05,687
Catch up with people you've
known for a long time.

36
00:02:05,851 --> 00:02:08,829
I mean, if we stay living apart,
that's what we'll be doing.

37
00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:11,264
We'll be saying, "Hi. How you been?

38
00:02:11,531 --> 00:02:12,875
"Kids are doing well, aren't they?

39
00:02:12,899 --> 00:02:14,744
"Got any good graduation photos?

40
00:02:14,997 --> 00:02:16,904
- "Nice to meet you, Naomi."
- Who's Naomi?

41
00:02:16,953 --> 00:02:19,581
Or Jenny or Jackie or
whatever, your new partner.

42
00:02:19,917 --> 00:02:21,458
And that doesn't make
you feel a bit sick?

43
00:02:21,482 --> 00:02:22,617
No, not really. I mean,

44
00:02:22,642 --> 00:02:24,744
if we do split, I'd
like us all to get along.

45
00:02:25,045 --> 00:02:27,663
"Us all" includes your
new partner, I presume?

46
00:02:28,114 --> 00:02:31,159
Your Colin or Roger or Nigel?

47
00:02:31,184 --> 00:02:33,728
- Oh, thanks.
- Just examples of names.

48
00:02:33,753 --> 00:02:35,216
Really crap names.

49
00:02:35,288 --> 00:02:36,939
I'm sure they're very nice people.

50
00:02:37,123 --> 00:02:39,585
You wouldn't turn your
nose up at Colin Firth

51
00:02:39,759 --> 00:02:44,464
or Roger Federer or Nigel... Kennedy.

52
00:02:45,020 --> 00:02:48,496
- Nigel Kennedy?
- Nigel de Jong.

53
00:02:48,701 --> 00:02:50,726
- Who's that?
- It's a Dutch footballer.

54
00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:52,715
Shoulda got sent off
in the World Cup final.

55
00:02:52,739 --> 00:02:54,899
He studded a Spanish player
in the chest right up here.

56
00:02:55,544 --> 00:02:57,869
- It was a terrible challenge.
- You're not selling him to me.

57
00:02:57,893 --> 00:02:59,333
I'm sure he's not like that at home.

58
00:03:01,501 --> 00:03:03,205
Anyway, you weren't
thinking about those people.

59
00:03:03,229 --> 00:03:05,593
You were thinking about
home counties bank managers.

60
00:03:05,618 --> 00:03:07,150
Nothing wrong with bank managers.

61
00:03:07,412 --> 00:03:10,590
We could use one in the
family. My solvency issues.

62
00:03:10,828 --> 00:03:11,828
Shouldn't be too sniffy.

63
00:03:11,853 --> 00:03:13,312
Can we not talk about my next partner?

64
00:03:13,336 --> 00:03:14,336
Okay.

65
00:03:14,961 --> 00:03:16,170
Let's talk about mine.

66
00:03:16,963 --> 00:03:19,051
What does Naomi do,
as a matter of interest?

67
00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:23,296
Naomi? Mm... No, not getting anything.

68
00:03:23,788 --> 00:03:25,708
Well, give me another
one, then. How about Jenny?

69
00:03:25,860 --> 00:03:27,161
Talk to me about lovely Jenny.

70
00:03:27,331 --> 00:03:29,560
Jenny. Jenny's just opened
her own coffee shop.

71
00:03:30,398 --> 00:03:31,787
You went in there to work every day.

72
00:03:31,811 --> 00:03:33,894
You got to know her
and the rest is history.

73
00:03:34,155 --> 00:03:35,424
Well, history in the future, anyway.

74
00:03:35,448 --> 00:03:37,559
Speculative history,
a new literary genre.

75
00:03:37,584 --> 00:03:39,694
Oh, and she loves kids
but she missed her moment

76
00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:41,663
because she spent too long with a bloke

77
00:03:41,688 --> 00:03:44,656
who couldn't make up his
mind and now it's too late.

78
00:03:44,824 --> 00:03:47,118
- Oh, why is it too late?
- Because she's too old.

79
00:03:47,143 --> 00:03:48,667
No. No.

80
00:03:49,362 --> 00:03:51,306
No, you're not palming
me off with old Jenny.

81
00:03:51,331 --> 00:03:53,848
- You're in your fifth decade.
- Yeah, but Jenny's not.

82
00:03:54,634 --> 00:03:56,202
Jenny's sprightly and young.

83
00:03:56,503 --> 00:03:58,629
Lots of older men end
up with younger women.

84
00:03:59,070 --> 00:04:02,317
There's Ronnie Wood and Rupert
Murdoch, Nelson Mandela.

85
00:04:02,532 --> 00:04:03,719
What have they got that you haven't?

86
00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:04,954
What have I got that they haven't?

87
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:06,298
I'm much younger than those lads.

88
00:04:06,372 --> 00:04:08,090
I think you might be drifting
into unwise territory.

89
00:04:08,114 --> 00:04:09,114
You're probably right.

90
00:04:09,215 --> 00:04:11,092
Anyway, if you had kids, of course...

91
00:04:11,117 --> 00:04:12,895
Well, I mean, not that
that would be very good,

92
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:14,696
but, anyway, if you
did have children again,

93
00:04:14,721 --> 00:04:16,599
you'd be good for a game
of football in the backyard

94
00:04:16,623 --> 00:04:17,932
but as for the other stuff...

95
00:04:17,957 --> 00:04:21,710
I would be better at technology
stuff than Rupert Murdoch,

96
00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:24,433
who I doubt knows how to do Spotify.

97
00:04:24,464 --> 00:04:25,498
He'd have staff.

98
00:04:25,798 --> 00:04:27,662
But he wouldn't be able
to use them in a contest.

99
00:04:27,686 --> 00:04:28,686
Fair enough.

100
00:04:28,728 --> 00:04:31,146
Also, I would kill Rupert
Murdoch at tennis

101
00:04:31,571 --> 00:04:32,989
because I've got a height advantage

102
00:04:33,173 --> 00:04:34,749
as well as the age advantage.

103
00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:36,951
You should challenge him,
settle this once and for all.

104
00:04:36,976 --> 00:04:39,821
I think if you explained to
him that you needed to beat him

105
00:04:39,846 --> 00:04:42,056
to show that you're entitled
to a younger second wife.

106
00:04:42,081 --> 00:04:43,081
he would oblige.

107
00:04:43,256 --> 00:04:45,322
And then, to really stick the knife in,

108
00:04:45,552 --> 00:04:47,903
I'll ask him if he knows who Stormzy is.

109
00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:49,316
Oh, he'd know all about Stormzy.

110
00:04:49,341 --> 00:04:51,299
- How?
- Younger wife, kids,

111
00:04:51,324 --> 00:04:53,701
several TV channels, a
few tabloid newspapers.

112
00:04:53,726 --> 00:04:55,970
Again, he wouldn't be
allowed to consult with them

113
00:04:55,995 --> 00:04:57,628
under the rules I've just drawn up.

114
00:04:59,899 --> 00:05:02,331
Perhaps we're drifting
from the matter at hand.

115
00:05:02,700 --> 00:05:04,345
Seems to me that the further we drift,

116
00:05:04,370 --> 00:05:06,067
- the happier we get.
- That's weird, isn't it?

117
00:05:06,091 --> 00:05:07,098
Not really.

118
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:10,552
Discussing a malfunctioning marriage
is depressing and time-consuming,

119
00:05:10,577 --> 00:05:13,354
and imagining a future
with Jenny from the tea shop

120
00:05:13,379 --> 00:05:17,345
and Nigel from the bank
is quite liberating.

121
00:05:17,617 --> 00:05:18,937
Yeah, but you can always do that,

122
00:05:19,452 --> 00:05:20,688
you can always just...

123
00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:24,145
you know, imagine easier
lives than the one you're in.

124
00:05:26,292 --> 00:05:28,831
Is it as much fun living on your
own as you thought it would be?

125
00:05:30,563 --> 00:05:32,998
- I never thought it would be.
- That's a lie.

126
00:05:33,366 --> 00:05:35,543
Every adult with children and a spouse

127
00:05:35,568 --> 00:05:37,540
imagines an empty flat with no clutter,

128
00:05:37,770 --> 00:05:39,994
a white rug without
Coke stains all over it,

129
00:05:40,019 --> 00:05:42,121
a big double bed to oneself,

130
00:05:42,475 --> 00:05:45,086
remote control without
Sellotape wrapped round it,

131
00:05:45,775 --> 00:05:47,188
drawers that aren't full of crap.

132
00:05:47,213 --> 00:05:48,493
We can have a go at the drawers.

133
00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:49,680
I just...

134
00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:53,661
Quiet. I'd just like
to live somewhere quiet

135
00:05:53,686 --> 00:05:56,898
with nobody playing hip
hop from the bathroom

136
00:05:56,923 --> 00:05:59,234
or screaming at an Xbox.

137
00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:01,358
I don't do that so much now
I'm better at Call of Duty.

138
00:06:01,382 --> 00:06:04,105
Nobody complaining about
the quality of the Wi-Fi

139
00:06:04,130 --> 00:06:06,411
as if I've somehow
authorized a cheap version.

140
00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:10,136
- No cat puke to clean up.
- Oh, aye aye.

141
00:06:11,738 --> 00:06:13,604
A new couple. Well, newish.

142
00:06:14,607 --> 00:06:15,908
God, why bother?

143
00:06:16,242 --> 00:06:18,362
I mean, if we're still having
troubles at their age...

144
00:06:19,612 --> 00:06:21,439
Well, we won't be. I'll be long gone.

145
00:06:21,914 --> 00:06:23,850
I don't know. Maybe
that's the time to do it.

146
00:06:24,385 --> 00:06:26,918
- Why?
- Dying alone and all that.

147
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:28,813
- Stakes are high.
- Do you think about that?

148
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:32,166
I'm living in a squat
with Media Study students.

149
00:06:32,191 --> 00:06:33,615
Course I think about dying alone.

150
00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:34,983
You never told me it was a squat.

151
00:06:35,008 --> 00:06:36,772
Can we talk about that another
time? This is important.

152
00:06:36,796 --> 00:06:39,299
You must see people all the
time who are gonna die alone.

153
00:06:39,486 --> 00:06:40,976
No, they're gonna die in
hospital, most of them,

154
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,710
surrounded by lovely Polish nurses.

155
00:06:42,854 --> 00:06:44,346
- You're not gonna have that.
- Why not?

156
00:06:44,370 --> 00:06:46,450
Because you voted to chuck
all the Polish nurses out.

157
00:06:47,273 --> 00:06:49,620
Anyway, why is it all
about you dying alone?

158
00:06:49,967 --> 00:06:50,985
What about little old me?

159
00:06:51,010 --> 00:06:52,402
You don't seem that bothered about it.

160
00:06:52,426 --> 00:06:55,690
Anyway, it's not the dying part,
it's the year or two before.

161
00:06:55,978 --> 00:06:58,400
- Here's to a heart attack.
- Car accident.

162
00:07:02,423 --> 00:07:04,063
Did you ever have a
baby pact with anyone?

163
00:07:04,957 --> 00:07:06,434
- I'm not sure.
- I did.

164
00:07:06,459 --> 00:07:08,836
I had one with Neil, when
we were both single.

165
00:07:08,861 --> 00:07:09,864
We had this idea that...

166
00:07:10,897 --> 00:07:13,866
if we were both still single
by the time we were 35

167
00:07:14,030 --> 00:07:15,465
he was going to impregnate me.

168
00:07:16,071 --> 00:07:17,809
- The normal way?
- Yes, the normal way.

169
00:07:17,837 --> 00:07:20,313
- Your Parker friend from college?
- Yes, Neil Parker.

170
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:23,875
You were gonna have
sex with Neil Parker?

171
00:07:24,378 --> 00:07:26,400
Yes, to get pregnant.

172
00:07:26,928 --> 00:07:27,968
Well, there's another one.

173
00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:30,717
No, that's the whole
point. It's a last resort.

174
00:07:31,517 --> 00:07:33,087
Neil bloody Parker.

175
00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:36,423
Forget the sex part. It...

176
00:07:38,324 --> 00:07:41,094
The point is that you and
I could make a death pact

177
00:07:41,327 --> 00:07:42,597
instead of a baby pact.

178
00:07:44,597 --> 00:07:46,141
If it looks like we're
going to die alone,

179
00:07:46,165 --> 00:07:47,709
we move back in together

180
00:07:47,734 --> 00:07:50,111
or we move into the same
retirement home or something.

181
00:07:50,199 --> 00:07:51,199
Great.

182
00:07:51,771 --> 00:07:53,961
Something positive to take
into this week's session,

183
00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:55,818
a death pact.

184
00:07:55,869 --> 00:08:00,399
I think it's positive. I think
it shows a certain good will.

185
00:08:00,588 --> 00:08:01,890
I mean, it's not what I was hoping for

186
00:08:01,914 --> 00:08:03,914
when I bought a new shirt
and got myself a haircut.

187
00:08:05,017 --> 00:08:06,222
What were you hoping for?

188
00:08:09,382 --> 00:08:11,104
Oh, God, how are new starts possible

189
00:08:13,459 --> 00:08:15,893
when you've been together a
long time and you have kids

190
00:08:16,462 --> 00:08:18,873
and you spend years being
irritated by the other person

191
00:08:18,898 --> 00:08:21,200
but if they stop irritating
you, they're not them anymore?

192
00:08:21,453 --> 00:08:24,022
My text earlier, it was me not being me.

193
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,839
- Exactly.
- So I need to stay as me.

194
00:08:27,005 --> 00:08:28,005
Yep.

195
00:08:28,030 --> 00:08:31,093
While also, at the same
time, being quite different.

196
00:08:32,378 --> 00:08:33,498
It's a conundrum.

197
00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:42,081
- Can I ask you something?
- Of course.

198
00:08:43,089 --> 00:08:46,469
Jenny's coffee shop, is it
doing okay, do you think?

199
00:08:46,926 --> 00:08:49,937
Early days, but promising signs.

200
00:08:49,962 --> 00:08:52,140
A lot of mums from the
local primary school

201
00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:55,122
are starting to use it and
they're spreading the word.

202
00:08:55,155 --> 00:08:56,187
Ah.

203
00:08:57,136 --> 00:08:59,047
But I'll probably need to find
somewhere else to work.

204
00:08:59,071 --> 00:09:00,174
Yeah, maybe.

205
00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:04,844
Nigel doesn't have to be a
bank manager, you know.

206
00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:06,059
Thank you.

207
00:09:07,113 --> 00:09:09,647
God, that's the most generous
thing you've ever said to me.

208
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:17,000
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com