Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com
- Hi. - Hello.
How's your day been?
Oh, you know.
No. Tell me.
What?
Nothing. I'm just waiting for an answer to my question.
What, there's nothing weird about me?
No. You look nice.
Oh, I see, okay. Right.
- Please stop now. - Stop saying you look nice?
All of it, the... the...
The smiling, the looking at me, the get-up.
It's not a get-up. I'm hardly wearing fancy dress.
The effect is somewhat similar.
- I'm trying. - I see that.
- Try in a different way. - Okay, give me some tips.
For example, the text message you sent me this morning.
- Ah, more things like that? - No, nothing like that.
- What was wrong with it? - It was creepy.
"Looking forward to seeing you later." That one?
- Yes. - That was creepy?
- Yes. - Jesus.
- It sounds like you're trying. - I am trying.
Well, don't.
I'd try if you were someone new.
Of course, but I'm not, am I? Were you looking forward to seeing me?
- Oh, yes. - That is a lie.
No. You weren't looking forward to seeing me, then?
I saw you yesterday.
But that was just, you know, parenting.
We didn't have a chance to chat.
- Have a catch-up? - If you want.
It's not really starting again, though, is it?
Catch up with people you've known for a long time.
I mean, if we stay living apart, that's what we'll be doing.
We'll be saying, "Hi. How you been?
"Kids are doing well, aren't they?
"Got any good graduation photos?
- "Nice to meet you, Naomi." - Who's Naomi?
Or Jenny or Jackie or whatever, your new partner.
And that doesn't make you feel a bit sick?
No, not really. I mean,
if we do split, I'd like us all to get along.
"Us all" includes your new partner, I presume?
Your Colin or Roger or Nigel?
- Oh, thanks. - Just examples of names.
Really crap names.
I'm sure they're very nice people.
You wouldn't turn your nose up at Colin Firth
or Roger Federer or Nigel... Kennedy.
- Nigel Kennedy? - Nigel de Jong.
- Who's that? - It's a Dutch footballer.
Shoulda got sent off in the World Cup final.
He studded a Spanish player in the chest right up here.
- It was a terrible challenge. - You're not selling him to me.
I'm sure he's not like that at home.
Anyway, you weren't thinking about those people.
You were thinking about home counties bank managers.
Nothing wrong with bank managers.
We could use one in the family. My solvency issues.
Shouldn't be too sniffy.
Can we not talk about my next partner?
Okay.
Let's talk about mine.
What does Naomi do, as a matter of interest?
Naomi? Mm... No, not getting anything.
Well, give me another one, then. How about Jenny?
Talk to me about lovely Jenny.
Jenny. Jenny's just opened her own coffee shop.
You went in there to work every day.
You got to know her and the rest is history.
Well, history in the future, anyway.
Speculative history, a new literary genre.
Oh, and she loves kids but she missed her moment
because she spent too long with a bloke
who couldn't make up his mind and now it's too late.
- Oh, why is it too late? - Because she's too old.
No. No.
No, you're not palming me off with old Jenny.
- You're in your fifth decade. - Yeah, but Jenny's not.
Jenny's sprightly and young.
Lots of older men end up with younger women.
There's Ronnie Wood and Rupert Murdoch, Nelson Mandela.
What have they got that you haven't?
What have I got that they haven't?
I'm much younger than those lads.
I think you might be drifting into unwise territory.
You're probably right.
Anyway, if you had kids, of course...
Well, I mean, not that that would be very good,
but, anyway, if you did have children again,
you'd be good for a game of football in the backyard
but as for the other stuff...
I would be better at technology stuff than Rupert Murdoch,
who I doubt knows how to do Spotify.
He'd have staff.
But he wouldn't be able to use them in a contest.
Fair enough.
Also, I would kill Rupert Murdoch at tennis
because I've got a height advantage
as well as the age advantage.
You should challenge him, settle this once and for all.
I think if you explained to him that you needed to beat him
to show that you're entitled to a younger second wife.
he would oblige.
And then, to really stick the knife in,
I'll ask him if he knows who Stormzy is.
Oh, he'd know all about Stormzy.
- How? - Younger wife, kids,
several TV channels, a few tabloid newspapers.
Again, he wouldn't be allowed to consult with them
under the rules I've just drawn up.
Perhaps we're drifting from the matter at hand.
Seems to me that the further we drift,
- the happier we get. - That's weird, isn't it?
Not really.
Discussing a malfunctioning marriage is depressing and time-consuming,
and imagining a future with Jenny from the tea shop
and Nigel from the bank is quite liberating.
Yeah, but you can always do that,
you can always just...
you know, imagine easier lives than the one you're in.
Is it as much fun living on your own as you thought it would be?
- I never thought it would be. - That's a lie.
Every adult with children and a spouse
imagines an empty flat with no clutter,
a white rug without Coke stains all over it,
a big double bed to oneself,
remote control without Sellotape wrapped round it,
drawers that aren't full of crap.
We can have a go at the drawers.
I just...
Quiet. I'd just like to live somewhere quiet
with nobody playing hip hop from the bathroom
or screaming at an Xbox.
I don't do that so much now I'm better at Call of Duty.
Nobody complaining about the quality of the Wi-Fi
as if I've somehow authorized a cheap version.
- No cat puke to clean up. - Oh, aye aye.
A new couple. Well, newish.
God, why bother?
I mean, if we're still having troubles at their age...
Well, we won't be. I'll be long gone.
I don't know. Maybe that's the time to do it.
- Why? - Dying alone and all that.
- Stakes are high. - Do you think about that?
I'm living in a squat with Media Study students.
Course I think about dying alone.
You never told me it was a squat.
Can we talk about that another time? This is important.
You must see people all the time who are gonna die alone.
No, they're gonna die in hospital, most of them,
surrounded by lovely Polish nurses.
- You're not gonna have that. - Why not?
Because you voted to chuck all the Polish nurses out.
Anyway, why is it all about you dying alone?
What about little old me?
You don't seem that bothered about it.
Anyway, it's not the dying part, it's the year or two before.
- Here's to a heart attack. - Car accident.
Did you ever have a baby pact with anyone?
- I'm not sure. - I did.
I had one with Neil, when we were both single.
We had this idea that...
if we were both still single by the time we were 35
he was going to impregnate me.
- The normal way? - Yes, the normal way.
- Your Parker friend from college? - Yes, Neil Parker.
You were gonna have sex with Neil Parker?
Yes, to get pregnant.
Well, there's another one.
No, that's the whole point. It's a last resort.
Neil bloody Parker.
Forget the sex part. It...
The point is that you and I could make a death pact
instead of a baby pact.
If it looks like we're going to die alone,
we move back in together
or we move into the same retirement home or something.
Great.
Something positive to take into this week's session,
a death pact.
I think it's positive. I think it shows a certain good will.
I mean, it's not what I was hoping for
when I bought a new shirt and got myself a haircut.
What were you hoping for?
Oh, God, how are new starts possible
when you've been together a long time and you have kids
and you spend years being irritated by the other person
but if they stop irritating you, they're not them anymore?
My text earlier, it was me not being me.
- Exactly. - So I need to stay as me.
Yep.
While also, at the same time, being quite different.
It's a conundrum.
- Can I ask you something? - Of course.
Jenny's coffee shop, is it doing okay, do you think?
Early days, but promising signs.
A lot of mums from the local primary school
are starting to use it and they're spreading the word.
Ah.
But I'll probably need to find somewhere else to work.
Yeah, maybe.
Nigel doesn't have to be a bank manager, you know.
Thank you.
God, that's the most generous thing you've ever said to me.
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com