We're still short-staffed so if you happen
to be walking through the parking lot at night
and there's a loose cart, maybe just grab it
and stick it in the corral.
Gotta round up those doggies, yee-haw...
That's the saddest "yee-haw" I've ever heard.
Yeah, I... I bailed on it. Carol?
I hate to even bring this up, but should Sandra be here?
I thought she was fired.
Yes. She was.
Until she started talking about unions.
Apparently firing someone for trying to unionize
is considered retaliation. I would accompany
that statement with a vigorous jerking-back-and-forth
hand gesture, but that's also prohibited.
Okay. Now for the rest of you cowpokes,
let's saddle up and git!
- Oof. - The Western thing
is just not in your wheelhouse.
Amy, could I say a few words?
Um, okay.
Screw management!
- Okay. - Once we clock out
Amy can't make us do a damn thing.
If you see a loose cart in the parking lot,
you can kick it over or shove it into traffic.
Seems like just as much work?
Also, managers can't give us polygraph tests.
I wasn't planning on giving anyone a polygraph test.
Well, good.
'Cause we ain't taking one, Amy.
- Mm-hmm. - Stay strong, people.
Whoo!
We have a right to healthy air quality
and adequate airflow. Do you feel any airflow?
'Cause I don't feel any airflow.
You thinks he actually cares about any of this stuff
or is it just about getting attention?
I mean, it's definitely the attention.
A week ago she was eating lunch by herself in the bathroom
and now, well, she's the AOC of Store 1217.
It's crazy how she can just go with it when this is all
based on tweets that we wrote.
Do you think all great leaders
are just sociopaths living a lie?
Um...
Yeah, probably.
I mean, even Obama had those guys
who made him feel "good" at basketball.
Yo, those dressing rooms are trashed.
It's like "The Leftovers" in there.
You know, like that show where everybody disappears
and all that's left is the pile of their clothes?
You're a terrible person.
- Okay? - Dina told us about the birds.
- Oh. - Oh?
Is that what it's called
when you let someone's birds escape
and then let her think it's her fault
and you go to her place and you put your filth in her?
Look, guys, I feel really bad about it.
You know, I used to think that you were a nice guy
who just said mean things to people to be funny,
but now I feel like maybe you're just a mean person.
I'm so disappointed in you, Garrett.
- Glenn, I... you gotta... - Oh! And by the way,
have you ever even seen "The Leftovers"?
The clothes disappear too, dick.
Everybody's acting like I killed their birds.
Not that I killed Dina's birds.
I mean, they could still be alive, as far as we know.
Yeah, I mean, it's only been
a few months and one of the coldest winters on record,
they could be barely clinging to life somewhere.
I mean, even Glenn thinks I'm a bad person,
and he sees the good in everyone.
And when that warehouse guy on meth choked him out?
Glen apologized for looking too much like a dragon.
He was on meth? I thought it was bath salts.
Man, how is that relevant to the conversation?
I don't know. I don't know where it's going yet.
Look all I'm saying is maybe Dina's the bad person here.
She kept birds in cages.
Birds are supposed to be free.
So you're actually a hero.
Cool take.
You know what? I saw you eating
a chicken sandwich yesterday.
You're not better than me.
It was a turkey wrap.
Still a bird!
So, Amy, I hear there's some talk
of unionizing down there?
No, no! God, no.
I mean, I wouldn't even call it "talk."
It's just... it's Sandra.
Okay. Amy, this is a big deal.
They're looking at shutting down some of the stores.
- What? - Am I a puppy again?
- I'm sorry, one second. - No, it's fine.
Jeff, it's fine.
Just... what stores are they shutting down?
- Jeff, leave it! - Okay. Fine, sorry.
Just... can you keep this between us?
- Yes! Of course. - We're converting some of
the brick and mortars into distribution centers
And one of those stores is going to come from your district.
So if they hear you're talking about unionizing,
it's going to make their decision a lot easier.
So you need to squash this.
Look. All we have to do
is keep her from talking about unions.
Yes.
- What? - Uh, just feels weird.
Isn't that like literally union-busting?
- No! - What would you call it?
I don't know. It's not like we're
crushing a movement. We're just trying to...
Send her a message?
That sounds like we're breaking her legs.
We just want to...
Neutralize the threat, uh, get rid of the problem, uh,
let her know she's messing with the wrong people.
- Something in that ballpark. - It just feels like a red flag
that everything you say makes us sound like villains.
Look, we're just trying to stop
one lonely desperate lunatic from running her mouth
and costing everybody their jobs.
- We're the good guys. - I guess.
We just want Sandra to do what's best for her fellow workers.
Or else.
As soon as I said it, I heard it.
It's... it's a problem.
Ooh, hey, Myrtle. You look a little chilly.
Thought you might need this.
- Oh, thank you! - Yeah, it's no problem.
This is great!
- Thank you so much! - Hey. Actually, you know what?
Could you give it back to me real quick?
Hey! You can't take my shawl back!
I just... it's just that I want...
Help! He's stealing my shawl!
- Give her back her shawl! - No, no, no!
I brought it to her! I brought it to her!
I'll get you your own shawl, okay?
Here. There you go, sweetie.
- So... cold... - Yeah, I know, I know.
But everything's okay. Everything's gonna be okay.
Rise up.
Stand up for your rights. Power to the people.
Cute top!
Hey, Sandra. Um, handing out some flyers?
Yeah, do you want one?
Sandra says "no" to hate and "yes" to freedom.
Seems uncontroversial.
I'm not a hero.
So, um, Sandra, I-I need you
to stop talking about all this union stuff.
You're not allowed to restrict my speech.
It's for your own good.
Wow.
So now you've got your muscle trying to threaten me?
Jonah? The muscle?
I mean... okay.
Seems like a weird thread to pull.
Did everyone hear that?
Amy is now telling me that I can't even talk about unions.
- No... - Amy, is that true?
I don't think you're allowed to do that.
I was just saying that while she's at work...
This is my work now. The work of justice.
The only work that matters.
Where are you ge... is this from a play?
- No. - Sandra, look.
I get that this is fun.
But corporate is taking this seriously.
You hear that, everyone?
Corporate is taking us seriously.
No! What I mean is that
corporate is viewing this as a threat.
And they view us as a threat!
You maybe want to think of your phrasing before
so that you don't twist your words...
Yeah. No, I'm getting that,
Wait, what are you doing?
Can you please not get up on the...
- Okay. - No, if you could just, San...
Management is trying to silence us.
But our voices will be heard.
No, nobody was trying to silence anybody.
She was somewhat.
- Glenn! - What? You were.
Well, if we can't talk here then we will talk elsewhere.
Union meeting, tonight! Location, TBD.
Time, TBD. Refreshments, T-B-D!
I just wonder if a union will lead to more rules.
Like, what if they start making us
wear gloves when we clean the toilets?
You don't wear gloves when you clean the toilets?
No way. I need my fingernails
to chip away at the caked-on parts.
- Ugh. - Ugh.
What are you guys talking about?
- Feces. - Horses.
- Unions. - Unions? Huh.
Well, you can't talk in here. The break room is closed.
Wait, why?
Because of the radon problem.
- Too much or too little? - I think you know.
But where are we supposed to eat lunch?
That doesn't matter to me as long as you're not together.
So you don't... cross-contaminate each other.
Um, just go eat in your cars or something.
I don't have a car.
Fine, then you can go down to the sub-basement.
Didn't the building inspector say there was radon there, too?
Of course he did but truthfully
radon is the least of your worries down there.
Greetings, shoppers!
Check out our great deals on...
Low battery.
Now I heard they're having a union meeting?
It's nothing, Jeff.
I swear I've got it under control.
It's too late!
They're making their plans right now.
I mean, yours is one of the branches they're getting rid of.
What? No!
No, Jeff, no! Wha...
What if I come down there and I-I-I can talk to them myself?
- It's a five-hour drive! - Well, then you have
to keep them in that meeting for five hours, Jeff.
Okay. Well, what if I schedule
a new meeting for five hours from now?
Okay, well, I didn't realize that was an option.
- Yes, do that. - Okay, listen.
I can't ask people to stay all night. So we...
Have I been a koala bear this whole time?
Yes!
- You're leaving now? - Yeah.
We have a five-hour drive ahead of us.
Hey, do you think we'll take 55 over to 72
or shoot up 70 all the way to 57?
- Whatever's faster. - It's just...
a lot of my anecdotes are location-dependent.
You don't want to hear a Litchfield story in Mattoon.
What exactly are you planning to do once
- you get to corporate? - I don't know.
I guess we'll figure it out on the way.
Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?
No, I need you to go to this union meeting
and just make sure it doesn't get out of hand.
So now we're infiltrating meetings and trying to take
down groups from the inside? That's who we are now?
Oh, anyone can make something
- sound bad if they try. - Yeah, Jonah.
It's like, are you donating money
to charity or are you bribing them to help orphans?
That's a pretty terrible analogy.
Jonah, we can discuss this later.
But can you please just do this, for me?
Thank you.
And don't call while we're on the drive.
This is kind of me and Amy time, okay?
I'm sorry we had to do this in the store but it's the end
of little league season so everywhere was booked.
- Did you try IHOP? - Yes, it was booked.
The one on Delmar?
It's... it's too late now.
Anyway, I want to introduce
Robin Green from Retail Workers United.
When I googled "labor organizer St. Louis"
hers was the first name that came up.
So, like Sandra said I'm with RWU, and I'm here
to talk to you guys about next steps
and answer any questions you may have.
- Yes? - Yeah, I was just wondering,
How much our dues were gonna be?
Oh, I think we're getting a little ahead of ourselves.
Oh, oh, okay. Yeah, I just think
it's a little weird that you
won't tell us how much it's gonna cost.
But... go on.
I will get to that.
Why don't we start with an overview
of how the union process works. The union...
Marcus?
Hey. What are you guys doing here?
- It's a union meeting. - What are you doing here?
Union meeting.
Why are you in your underwear?
'Cause...
I didn't know what the dress code was.
They weren't thrilled about staying late
so it's gonna be a tough crowd.
Oh. Okay. Great.
Hey, Amy! Look, it's Chief Saves-a-lot!
- Oh, yeah. - The original Cloud 9 mascot?
Look he's even got his cute little piece pipe
with the cloud coming out.
They probably shouldn't still have that up there.
- Huh. - Yeah, so...
Claudia Lankow is the person you're
going to want to impress. SVP of Operations.
She's into dog shows. Breeds pinschers.
- Okay. So I'll work that in? - Ah!
The first ever issue of "Stratus Magazine!"
Dina, so sorry, I'm just... I'm trying to save the branch.
Don't bring me on a safari and then tell me
not to look at the zebras.
Shoot, look, we've got to get in there.
Are you ready for this? You can do this.
- Do you really think so? - I mean, honestly?
It's unlikely. Once they make a decision,
usually an inertia sets in.
But, nothing to lose!
There are a lot of preconceived notions
of what a union is or isn't,
so I like to start with a little exercise.
When you think of the word "union,"
what other words come to mind?
- Me? - Yes.
Um...
Just right off the top of your head.
I say union, you think...
Union.
Okay. Okay, good.
Uh, but we've already got that one, so...
It's okay, Glenn. I would've said union, too.
- You don't have to rub it in. - I wasn't.
- You're such a dick. - I...
- What else? - Organized crime.
Crime. Okay, sure.
I guess there is some history of that in the past.
It also makes me think of the Haymarket Riots
and all the lives that were lost.
- So, riots. - Yeah.
All right!
- Laughter. - Laughter?
Yeah, like a laugh riot.
Oh, okay. So, um...
These should come from union. It's not like a word chain.
Oh. Okay, pass.
- Benefits. - Benefits, good.
- Very good. - Unionization.
Can't say the word.
This isn't Taboo.
- Incest. - What?
It's taboo in every culture.
- No, it's just... - No, it is.
And the Bible.
Incest.
Yes! On the board.
Nobody at Store 1217 is talking about unionizing.
It is just one single employee
- who is... - An idiot.
A total complete idiot with no redeeming qualities.
Well, I was gonna say "harmless."
She's harmless.
But idiot also works.
Listen, even if
Ms. Kaluiokalani were to disappear tomorrow...
Ooh! Love that. Keep talking.
Brick and mortar sales are down.
- That's not your fault. - No, it's not.
You don't blame the breeder, you blame the handler.
Right, Claudia?
I don't know.
Look, it was down to a coin flip
between you guys and the Bel-Ridge store.
Oh, well close Bel-Ridge. They're awful.
Yeah, they have a very bad reputation.
Well, of course you guys are gonna say that.
No, it's true.
A couple of their employees
actually vandalized our store recently.
Totally unprovoked. Just ugliness.
- Mm-hmm. - And they're also rude
- to the customers. - Very rude.
Yeah, they've been known to...
shame overweight children.
And a lot of their employees smoke while they work
so when you walk in it's just a haze of smoke.
- It's like Beijing. - Which is weird, because
a lot of them have outdated views on Chinese people.
I'm going to be passing out some union authorization...
- I-I'll do it. - Sure.
Sandra is going to be passing out
some union authorization cards.
Can I keep mine in my wallet?
Oh, sorry. I should clarify
that filling these out is actually the first step
in establishing a union. So after you sign,
I file them with the National Labor Relations Board.
I'm going to laminate mine.
Uh, no. Again, I do need those back.
But will we ever see them again?
You don't n...
Yes. You will all see
your cards again at some point. But no one should feel
like they're being coerced into signing.
I don't think I'm coercing anyone.
No, not consciously. But your tone was intimidating.
- What is up with you lately? - Yeah, you used to be
all "rah-rah unions are awesome" and now
it seems like you don't even want to do this anymore.
Maybe it was because back then he wasn't sleeping with the manager.
All: Oh!
- Wait, is that true? - Yes, because back then
I was the manager.
But I would never cheat on my wife.
And certainly not with Jonah.
I'd do it with her friend Diane.
I'm saying if you are dating the boss,
well then that explains why you're so anti-labor.
No! That has nothing to do...
Yeah, you can't be pro-labor
when you're having sex with the boss all the time.
Guys, I'm not anti-labor, okay?
I'm just saying...
retail is dying.
And we're already being replaced by machines
that can do our jobs better and faster than us.
And-and most of us have no education,
no skills, and are just generally terrible.
No offense.
So maybe we should just be happy with what we've got.
You know? Because for most of us this is as good as it's ever gonna get.
That said, I'm generally pro-labor.
Could I take a couple pens?
Sure.
Hello?
Hi, Laurie, it's Claudia and Dan.
And Jeff. Sutton!
- And Jeff. - Hey, guys!
- What's going on? - Hi, listen.
We're shutting down one of the stores
in your district, and it's between
Bel-Ridge and Ozark Highlands. Do you have any thoughts?
That's easy. I can't stand the manager at...
Oh!
So sorry! Sorry, hi!
Laurie, it's Amy Sosa. I'm here too.
I-I apologize. I'm just a little bit jittery.
I had five Cokes on my way over here and, uh,
I've tried to kick the habit but I just can't seem to do it.
- I'm a Coke fiend. - That's... fine.
Laurie, you were saying?
Bel-Ridge.
- I would close Bel-Ridge. - Oh.
Okay, thank you. Very helpful.
Thank you so much, Laurie! Bye!
Well, there you have it.
So going forward do we talk once a day or twice a day?
Oh, let's just see how it goes.
Great. So should we meet for breakfast in the morning?
It doesn't look like the union's going to happen, huh?
Um, I don't know. Maybe not now, but...
hopefully some time down the line.
Yeah. It's too bad.
In my 30 years here, this is the closest we ever got.
All right, got a long drive ahead of me.
- See you tomorrow. - Night, Marcus.
The hand dryers in the seventh floor ladies room
are deafening. It's like a jet taking off.
If you're ever at corporate do yourself a favor.
Did you see those business ladies
who wear skirts and sneakers at the same time?
No, they change into pumps at the office.
The sneakers are for running into the street yelling,
"Taxi!"
Oh.
Oh, can I have one of these pens?
Absolutely not.
These are my pens.
So, how's baby Rose doing? Any new teeth coming in?
Why, so you can pluck them out with your pliers?
Stay away from my daughter.
Come on. Look, I do one bad thing?
That doesn't negate all the good things I've done in my life.
Name one good thing that you've done.
I don't know. A lot of stuff.
I mean, how do you define "good"?
What's a good thing you've done?
I donated one of my kidneys to a total stranger.
Okay, yeah. All right.
Well, sure. That's good.
I mean you did that, like, anonymously?
Of course, anonymously.
Good people don't need credit when they do good things.
Well...
Me too.
I've done a lot of anonymous stuff too.
Yeah, right.
Have you?
Shh.
You little devil.
Jerusha, I told the kidney lie again.
And then I had to sit in the lobby for 20 minutes
while Dina had sex with the waiter
from Michael Jordan's Steak House.
That sounds like quite an adventure.
So, tell me more about the meeting.
I already told you everything.
I did what I could.
No, but like, tell me more.
Like, like, who was the most into it?
What, like you want, like, names?
Yeah. So I can keep an eye on them.
I'm not going to tell you that.
Jonah, why are you being so weird about this?
Me? You're the one who said
to keep the union thing under control,
and now you want me to give you names?
Who are you?
I'm trying to save everybody their jobs.
You're trying to save somebody's job.
That's not fair.
I'm sorry. I jus... it just...
There was actually some momentum to finally
get this thing done and I - I...
I'm sorry.
Welcome back.
And the first ten employees who sign these cards
get to be a part of "Sandra's Angels."
It's a club that meets at my house to watch TV and eat sliders.
Hey.
I'm in.
Let's do this.
Thank you!
Is your mobile also your home phone?
I need to know if your mobile's also your home phone!
credits
Jonah!