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This is daily notes log
for attempt number three

2
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of my neighborhood experiment.

3
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Obviously, I hope and assume

4
00:00:10,644 --> 00:00:12,729
this will be the final version.

5
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No, I know it will be.

6
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All the kinks have been worked out.

7
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This is the one.

8
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And after I pull this off,

9
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they're gonna hang my picture

10
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in the Bad Place Hall of Fame

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right next to the guy
who invented bees with teeth.

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You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead.

13
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Cool.

14
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I'm Chris Baker.

15
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I'm your soul mate.

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Bring it in, man.

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Sorry, I must ask,

18
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why are you wearing a sash
that says "best person" on it?

19
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Apparently, I am
the number one points-getter

20
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in the entire neighborhood.

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Is that so?

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I always have to have
my sashes custom-made

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due to my height and bosom size.

24
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Also, apparently,
sashes are out this season.

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The diagonal line really draws
one's eye to the chin bloat.

26
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Go fork yourself, you mean giraffe.

27
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Run! Giraffes!

28
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Giraffes! Run!

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Oh! Mean giraffes are
destroying the neighborhood.

30
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Gah!

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Oh, boy.

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Hey, robot slave lady?

33
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Busty Alexa?

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- Oh, Janet?
- Hi, there.

35
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Gah, still not used to it.

36
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Hey, what if I,
an already amazing person

37
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who definitely belongs here,
wanted to learn

38
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even more about how to be a good person?

39
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Is one of these nerds, like,
a teacher or a life coach

40
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or an Instagram fitness model
or something?

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Eleanor, I'd like you to meet
Chidi Anagonye.

42
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Chidi, this is Eleanor.

43
00:01:49,122 --> 00:01:51,757
Janet tells me you were
a professor of some kind.

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Yes, I was a professor
of ethics and moral philosophy

45
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focusing on deontology.

46
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Hang on one second, Cheebee.

47
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This guy's too big of a nerd.
Who else you got?

48
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- Michael, what do we do here?
- I don't know.

49
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Apparently, the Bad Place
knows that one of you

50
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actually belongs down there with them,

51
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and they want that person
to get inside the obelisk,

52
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or they're gonna take all of you.

53
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I can't go. I'm too young to die

54
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and too old to eat off the kids' menu.

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What a stupid age I am.

56
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I'd never survive down there.

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They should take Eleanor.
She's a pear shape.

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- She'd fit right in.
- Oh, excuse me.

59
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You wish you could have
a bite of this pear.

60
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I'll go. I deserve to go.
You guys can stay.

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- Chidi, you're not going.
- No, I have to go.

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Holy forking shirt.

63
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You guys, don't you get it?

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Michael is torturing us.

65
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That's why our lives
have been so miserable

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since the moment we got here.

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This isn't the Good Place.

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It's the Bad Place.

69
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Ahh, farts.

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Okay, attempt number 11.

71
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Let's focus on the positives.

72
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Eleanor always hates her house.

73
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Tahani always hates Eleanor.

74
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Jason hates being quiet.

75
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Chidi immediately gets a stomachache.

76
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So there's a lot to work with here.

77
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Hang on one second, Cheeto.

78
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So it's gonna be a hard pass
on Superdork Jones over there.

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Anybody else you got to teach me?

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You guys ready for our lesson?

81
00:03:24,916 --> 00:03:26,582
We're talking David Hume today,

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bundle theory of the self, baby.

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Sounds like a real banger,
but you guys gotta scram.

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My soul mate has some sort
of surprise planned for me,

85
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and he seems very excited about it.

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Well, you two are certainly
getting along

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very well these days.

88
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Yeah, I'm actually kind of
into Sebastian lately.

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I mean, he's a little hokey,

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but he's growing on me a little bit.

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? My love, my sweet dewdrop ?

92
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? I have written you a three-hour ?

93
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? Spoken word jazz opera ?

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Cool.

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? Eleanor, less and more ?

96
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? Who's it for? ?

97
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? For you,
my dewdrop cream of the crop ?

98
00:04:06,923 --> 00:04:09,490
? Top to the bop to the bop to the top ?

99
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- Okay, no, no.
- What?

100
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No version of heaven for
anyone would ever include

101
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three hours of this.

102
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We're in the Bad Place, aren't we?

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Damn it.

104
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That was a real trip for biscuits,

105
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and now we're all wet, Daddy-O.

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I never even got to play
my stupid triangle.

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No, no, no, no, Michael,
please, please, please!

108
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Please don't kill me.
I have so much to live for.

109
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I'm sorry, Janet, got to reboot you

110
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every time I start over.

111
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Oh, I know. I'm not actually upset.

112
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It's just the automatic
fail-safe mechanism

113
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that kicks in every time
you approach the plunger.

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- Go ahead.
- Ah.

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Michael, you monster!

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Attempt 32.

117
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Attempt 57.

118
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Attempt 99.

119
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Attempt 108.

120
00:04:59,541 --> 00:05:01,474
I've analyzed some recent data.

121
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Eleanor always seems to realize

122
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that they're in the Bad Place

123
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- just at the moment that...
- Excuse me.

124
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Sorry, the door was open,
so I just came in.

125
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Did you just say I'm in the Bad Place?

126
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Attempt 109.

127
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I've closed and locked the door.

128
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Uh, yep, and we're ready to go.

129
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This is your soul mate Greg.

130
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This is your soul mate Glenn.

131
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This is your soul mate Tahani.

132
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This is your soul mate Lerf.

133
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This is your soul mate,
a golden retriever.

134
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Hang on.

135
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Wait a minute. You know what?

136
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Holy smokes.

137
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This is the Bad Place.

138
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This is the Bad Place!

139
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This is the Bad Place.

140
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This is the Bad Place.

141
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The pig's getting angry.

142
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This is the Bad Place!

143
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Bees, bees, bees, bees.

144
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Oh! Oh, this is the Bad Place.

145
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Shh!

146
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Michael, Michael, if I'm gone,

147
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who will take care of my birds?

148
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Michael, no, no, no, no, no!

149
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I... I'm pregnant. And it's your baby.

150
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I have tickets to "Hamilton" next week,

151
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and there's a rumor that
Daveed Diggs is coming back.

152
00:06:07,707 --> 00:06:10,841
Janet, we've been through
this hundreds of times.

153
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I mean, can you just chill out?

154
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Is that possible, Janet?

155
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Can you just chill out a little?

156
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Nope, it's gonna be the same every time.

157
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Yeah, yeah, I know.

158
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No, no, no! No, Michael!

159
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Please, please, calm down. Calm down.

160
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All right, okay, calm down. Calm down.

161
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I mean, why even bother at this point?

162
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I'm obviously never gonna get it right.

163
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"I'm Eleanor. I'm so smart.

164
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I'm actually in the Bad Place."

165
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Blah, blah, blah, blah.

166
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Shawn still thinks I'm on version two.

167
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I just keep lying to him,
and it's really bad,

168
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but I... I mean, I have to keep trying.

169
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I'm in too deep.

170
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And I'm really fat right now.

171
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I'm stress-eating, and I'm
gaining weight in my thighs.

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I mean, look at that.

173
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Ohh.

174
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So sorry. Who are you?

175
00:07:05,863 --> 00:07:08,096
And where am I?

176
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It doesn't matter.

177
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This one doesn't even count.

178
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Hang on one second, Chili.

179
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This guy sucks. Who else you got?

180
00:07:25,382 --> 00:07:27,249
I can hear you.

181
00:07:27,284 --> 00:07:29,251
Michael, you simply cannot expect Chidi

182
00:07:29,286 --> 00:07:31,019
to decide whether Eleanor goes to the...

183
00:07:31,054 --> 00:07:33,922
Yo, yo, homies, check it.

184
00:07:33,957 --> 00:07:36,457
There's something messed up
with this place.

185
00:07:36,493 --> 00:07:38,025
We keep fighting with each other.

186
00:07:38,060 --> 00:07:41,296
None of the TVs get
the NFL RedZone channel.

187
00:07:41,331 --> 00:07:43,864
My soul mate doesn't even know
who Blake Bortles is.

188
00:07:43,900 --> 00:07:45,600
I know this sounds crazy,

189
00:07:45,635 --> 00:07:49,370
but I think we're in the Bad Place.

190
00:07:49,406 --> 00:07:51,939
Jason figured it out?

191
00:07:51,974 --> 00:07:53,440
Jason?

192
00:07:53,475 --> 00:07:55,276
This is a real low point.

193
00:07:55,311 --> 00:07:57,377
Yeah, this one hurts.

194
00:07:57,413 --> 00:07:59,113
Ow.

195
00:07:59,148 --> 00:08:01,982
Okay, this might be the one.
We're a week in.

196
00:08:02,018 --> 00:08:04,785
Chidi's teaching Eleanor,
but she hates it.

197
00:08:04,821 --> 00:08:08,288
Tahani still thinks that Jason's a monk.

198
00:08:08,324 --> 00:08:10,290
Everyone's miserable.

199
00:08:10,326 --> 00:08:11,825
I'm so happy.

200
00:08:11,860 --> 00:08:13,493
Fingers crossed.

201
00:08:17,499 --> 00:08:20,334
Vicky, where is everyone?

202
00:08:20,369 --> 00:08:22,569
They're not coming, Michael.

203
00:08:22,604 --> 00:08:24,804
You have lost control
of this experiment,

204
00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:28,674
so we are on strike
until our demands are met.

205
00:08:30,180 --> 00:08:32,813
I speak for the entire crew, Michael.
We're sick of it.

206
00:08:32,891 --> 00:08:34,313
We can barely remember

207
00:08:34,352 --> 00:08:36,506
what we're supposed
to be doing anymore, plus...

208
00:08:36,589 --> 00:08:38,228
I spent weeks perfecting

209
00:08:38,253 --> 00:08:40,752
this excellent Australian accent, I did.

210
00:08:40,777 --> 00:08:42,786
And then I never got a chance to use it.

211
00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:45,021
You're still upset
about the size of your part?

212
00:08:45,050 --> 00:08:47,650
Yes, I want a more important role.

213
00:08:47,685 --> 00:08:50,686
But that's just my demand; all 318 of us

214
00:08:50,722 --> 00:08:52,856
have something
we want to do differently.

215
00:08:52,891 --> 00:08:55,424
Some people want bigger houses.

216
00:08:55,460 --> 00:08:57,160
Gayle wants a different backstory

217
00:08:57,195 --> 00:08:58,861
where she was an MMA fighter?

218
00:08:58,896 --> 00:09:02,197
Gunnar wants to bite and/or nibble

219
00:09:02,233 --> 00:09:04,533
on humans while they sleep.

220
00:09:04,569 --> 00:09:07,370
You do know, Vicky, that
if I were to do some of these

221
00:09:07,405 --> 00:09:09,004
that it would be a dead giveaway?

222
00:09:09,039 --> 00:09:11,540
And I can help you explain that to them.

223
00:09:11,576 --> 00:09:14,076
But some of these are doable.

224
00:09:14,111 --> 00:09:15,944
And you're gonna do 'em.

225
00:09:15,980 --> 00:09:20,082
So Aristotle believes
your character is voluntary,

226
00:09:20,117 --> 00:09:23,385
because, uh... are you
ignoring me right now?

227
00:09:23,420 --> 00:09:25,553
It's day two of our ethics lessons,

228
00:09:25,589 --> 00:09:27,455
and you're already tuning out?

229
00:09:27,491 --> 00:09:29,724
No, sorry, I just got
distracted for a second.

230
00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:33,361
The last thing I remember
you saying is... nothing.

231
00:09:33,397 --> 00:09:35,196
Can you start from the beginning?

232
00:09:35,231 --> 00:09:36,698
Okay, I need a little break.

233
00:09:36,733 --> 00:09:38,633
Can we take a walk or something,

234
00:09:38,668 --> 00:09:40,568
maybe get some clam chowder?

235
00:09:46,643 --> 00:09:49,076
- Where is everyone?
- Who knows?

236
00:09:49,112 --> 00:09:52,046
Maybe they finally figured out
clam chowder is disgusting

237
00:09:52,081 --> 00:09:56,217
'cause it's basically
a savory latte with bugs in it.

238
00:09:57,620 --> 00:10:01,389
Is someone smoking a cigar?

239
00:10:01,424 --> 00:10:03,925
Michael really screwed this up.

240
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:05,893
The regular Bad Place was fine.

241
00:10:05,928 --> 00:10:08,829
If the four-headed flying bears
ain't broke, don't fix 'em.

242
00:10:08,864 --> 00:10:11,732
What was wrong with impaling?
I loved impaling.

243
00:10:11,767 --> 00:10:13,233
Hey, Todd, got a light?

244
00:10:13,268 --> 00:10:16,303
Uh, yeah, obviously I have a light.

245
00:10:16,338 --> 00:10:18,472
You know, you guys
aren't supposed to be smoking.

246
00:10:18,507 --> 00:10:20,441
You're supposed to keep
your human suit on.

247
00:10:20,476 --> 00:10:21,908
Those suits are really itchy for us.

248
00:10:21,944 --> 00:10:23,776
Who even cares if they see us?

249
00:10:23,812 --> 00:10:25,845
They're just gonna get rebooted anyway.

250
00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:28,481
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

251
00:10:28,516 --> 00:10:30,016
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

252
00:10:30,052 --> 00:10:31,584
This is the Bad Place.

253
00:10:31,619 --> 00:10:32,953
I forking knew it!

254
00:10:32,988 --> 00:10:34,854
And clam chowder is disgusting.

255
00:10:34,889 --> 00:10:37,957
It's just hot ocean milk
with dead animal croutons.

256
00:10:37,992 --> 00:10:39,792
Okay, but what do we do, panic, freak?

257
00:10:39,828 --> 00:10:41,461
I usually panic,
but I am happy to freak.

258
00:10:41,496 --> 00:10:42,762
No. We have to stay cool.

259
00:10:42,797 --> 00:10:45,097
As my mom always used to say,

260
00:10:45,132 --> 00:10:46,999
if a cop handcuffs you to a bike rack,

261
00:10:47,034 --> 00:10:49,535
there's always something
you can gnaw through.

262
00:10:49,571 --> 00:10:51,637
Your mom always said that?

263
00:10:51,673 --> 00:10:53,539
Think. Come on, brain.

264
00:10:53,575 --> 00:10:55,307
- Janet!
- Hi, there.

265
00:10:55,343 --> 00:10:56,976
- How can I help you?
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

266
00:10:57,011 --> 00:10:58,844
How do we know she's not a part of it?

267
00:10:58,879 --> 00:11:01,646
We don't, but we gotta risk it.

268
00:11:01,682 --> 00:11:04,383
Janet, can we, like,
leave the neighborhood,

269
00:11:04,418 --> 00:11:05,884
get as far away as possible?

270
00:11:05,919 --> 00:11:08,387
Is there anywhere we can go?

271
00:11:09,756 --> 00:11:11,790
So we're in the Bad Place,

272
00:11:11,825 --> 00:11:14,659
and I know why: almond milk.

273
00:11:14,695 --> 00:11:16,461
I knew it was bad for the environment,

274
00:11:16,497 --> 00:11:19,163
but I loved the way it coated
my tongue with a weird film.

275
00:11:19,199 --> 00:11:21,332
Who else is being tortured?
Are we the only two?

276
00:11:21,368 --> 00:11:24,035
I got to assume
Jason is as well... Jianyu.

277
00:11:24,070 --> 00:11:26,538
You know him as Jianyu,
but his real name is Jason,

278
00:11:26,573 --> 00:11:28,339
and he's a dirtbag from Florida.

279
00:11:28,375 --> 00:11:29,874
- What?
- Also,

280
00:11:29,909 --> 00:11:32,043
Tahani is a candidate
as far as I'm concerned.

281
00:11:32,078 --> 00:11:34,879
Yesterday, she told me that she
was Taylor Swift's best friend

282
00:11:34,914 --> 00:11:37,048
but Taylor Swift wasn't her best friend.

283
00:11:37,083 --> 00:11:38,549
She sucks.

284
00:11:38,584 --> 00:11:40,051
No offense, but I can't believe

285
00:11:40,086 --> 00:11:42,020
you and I ended up in the same place.

286
00:11:42,055 --> 00:11:43,921
Hey, I'm not thrilled
about it either, bud.

287
00:11:43,956 --> 00:11:46,557
I always assumed the afterlife
was full of cool people,

288
00:11:46,592 --> 00:11:48,392
not talking sweater vests.

289
00:11:48,427 --> 00:11:49,727
- You...
- We're here.

290
00:11:49,762 --> 00:11:52,162
Aren't trains neat?

291
00:11:52,197 --> 00:11:53,931
Choo-choo.

292
00:12:00,906 --> 00:12:02,705
Hi. You gotta help us.

293
00:12:02,741 --> 00:12:04,341
I'm Eleanor. This is Chidi.

294
00:12:04,376 --> 00:12:06,076
And see, we thought
we were in the Good Place,

295
00:12:06,111 --> 00:12:08,445
- but as it turns out...
- Yeah, guys. I know.

296
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:10,514
You've been here 15 times already.

297
00:12:10,549 --> 00:12:12,015
What?

298
00:12:12,051 --> 00:12:13,850
Did you bring the cocaine I asked for?

299
00:12:13,885 --> 00:12:16,119
Please tell me you somehow
remembered this time.

300
00:12:16,155 --> 00:12:18,120
Mama needs her medicine.

301
00:12:18,156 --> 00:12:20,389
We've met before?

302
00:12:20,425 --> 00:12:22,759
- I'm Janet.
- I know.

303
00:12:22,794 --> 00:12:25,127
Vicky, let's look
at the big picture here.

304
00:12:25,163 --> 00:12:28,130
Now, if you all
can just stick with my plan

305
00:12:28,166 --> 00:12:30,967
and we pull it off, we'll be heroes.

306
00:12:31,002 --> 00:12:32,969
You could write your own ticket.

307
00:12:33,004 --> 00:12:36,072
You might even land
the Jared from Subway account.

308
00:12:36,107 --> 00:12:40,042
Yeah, but I don't think
you can pull it off.

309
00:12:40,078 --> 00:12:42,878
You can't even pull off those bow ties.

310
00:12:43,948 --> 00:12:45,581
That was very mean,

311
00:12:45,616 --> 00:12:48,217
but I'm gonna move past that
in the name of unit cohesion.

312
00:12:48,252 --> 00:12:51,319
You're gonna reboot those four
dum-dums one more time,

313
00:12:51,354 --> 00:12:53,088
and then I'm taking over.

314
00:12:53,123 --> 00:12:55,924
I'm going to execute my version
of this neighborhood.

315
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:57,593
You see, I've been working on it

316
00:12:57,628 --> 00:12:59,761
while all of your versions fell apart.

317
00:12:59,797 --> 00:13:02,097
This is insubordination.

318
00:13:02,132 --> 00:13:05,333
And if you do not do
what I tell you immediately,

319
00:13:05,368 --> 00:13:08,035
you are going down.

320
00:13:10,107 --> 00:13:13,575
That's a complete report
of every mistake you've made,

321
00:13:13,610 --> 00:13:15,776
every screw-up, every reboot

322
00:13:15,812 --> 00:13:18,779
all laid out in excruciating detail.

323
00:13:18,815 --> 00:13:22,283
Now, I'm sure your boss
would love to hear all about

324
00:13:22,319 --> 00:13:25,653
how "attempt number 2" is really going.

325
00:13:25,688 --> 00:13:29,590
So actually, if you don't do what I say,

326
00:13:29,626 --> 00:13:31,025
you're going down.

327
00:13:31,292 --> 00:13:33,828
Down under.

328
00:13:35,534 --> 00:13:37,245
Is it always the three of us?

329
00:13:37,270 --> 00:13:39,056
It's always at least Eleanor and Janet.

330
00:13:39,090 --> 00:13:42,225
Usually Chidi's in the mix.
Sometimes Jason is here.

331
00:13:42,260 --> 00:13:45,190
One time, Jason and Tahani were here.

332
00:13:45,215 --> 00:13:47,375
But you know what?
No matter what the combo is,

333
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:49,596
I always ask you guys
to bring me cocaine next time,

334
00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:50,924
and you never do.

335
00:13:50,949 --> 00:13:52,248
Do you have anything I can snort,

336
00:13:52,283 --> 00:13:53,850
like a crushed-up aspirin

337
00:13:53,885 --> 00:13:56,490
or some eye shadow or cocaine?

338
00:13:56,530 --> 00:13:58,164
Still no.

339
00:13:58,199 --> 00:14:00,166
There's only one question
we need to answer right now,

340
00:14:00,201 --> 00:14:02,434
and that is, what do we do next?

341
00:14:02,469 --> 00:14:04,603
I mean, this place
doesn't seem terrible.

342
00:14:04,638 --> 00:14:07,106
Maybe we should just stay here forever.

343
00:14:07,141 --> 00:14:08,340
You always say that.

344
00:14:08,375 --> 00:14:10,276
And you always end up going back.

345
00:14:10,311 --> 00:14:12,277
I mean, sometimes you go back
because you feel bad

346
00:14:12,313 --> 00:14:14,012
your friends don't know what you know.

347
00:14:14,047 --> 00:14:16,114
Sometimes you go back
because you walk in on me

348
00:14:16,149 --> 00:14:18,350
while I'm masturbating,
and sometimes you go back

349
00:14:18,385 --> 00:14:20,985
because I walk in on you
while I'm masturbating.

350
00:14:21,021 --> 00:14:23,722
But no matter what, you always go back.

351
00:14:23,757 --> 00:14:27,359
You formulate a plan to defeat
Michael, and you head back.

352
00:14:27,394 --> 00:14:30,895
Okay, a plan. We need a plan, but...

353
00:14:30,931 --> 00:14:32,063
What if we come up with a plan

354
00:14:32,098 --> 00:14:33,698
we've already tried before?

355
00:14:33,733 --> 00:14:35,867
Will you please stop that?

356
00:14:35,902 --> 00:14:39,170
Yeah, just to help you out a little,

357
00:14:39,206 --> 00:14:41,372
I've written down every plan
you've ever come up with,

358
00:14:41,407 --> 00:14:44,642
which obviously never worked,
because you're here,

359
00:14:44,677 --> 00:14:46,910
and you're back, so good luck.

360
00:14:46,946 --> 00:14:48,713
"Physically attack Michael.

361
00:14:48,748 --> 00:14:50,314
"Seduce Michael.

362
00:14:50,350 --> 00:14:52,149
"Make Michael think he's the one
in the Bad Place.

363
00:14:52,184 --> 00:14:56,053
Catch that magic panda. Use her powers."

364
00:14:56,088 --> 00:14:57,855
Oh, I'm guessing that was Jason.

365
00:14:57,890 --> 00:15:00,658
That guy has no idea what's going on.

366
00:15:02,962 --> 00:15:05,562
Hello? Hello.

367
00:15:05,597 --> 00:15:07,430
Where is everyone?

368
00:15:07,466 --> 00:15:09,599
- Janet?
- Hey, there, Jason.

369
00:15:09,634 --> 00:15:12,102
Oh, hey, homey.

370
00:15:12,137 --> 00:15:15,772
Uh, I mean... Jason?

371
00:15:15,807 --> 00:15:18,675
Who is Jason? I am a monk.

372
00:15:18,710 --> 00:15:21,244
You know what...

373
00:15:21,279 --> 00:15:23,246
Can I talk to you for a second?

374
00:15:23,281 --> 00:15:25,348
I'm in a tight spot,
and I could use someone

375
00:15:25,384 --> 00:15:28,551
to bounce some ideas off of, okay?

376
00:15:28,587 --> 00:15:32,088
Oh, yeah, real quick,
you're really in the Bad Place,

377
00:15:32,123 --> 00:15:33,623
and you're being tortured.

378
00:15:33,658 --> 00:15:35,224
What?

379
00:15:35,260 --> 00:15:37,426
I know it says here
that we already tried

380
00:15:37,461 --> 00:15:39,028
throwing Tahani under the bus,

381
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:41,097
but maybe we should revisit that.

382
00:15:41,132 --> 00:15:42,765
Throw her a little bit harder.

383
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:44,533
Maybe under a bigger bus.

384
00:15:44,568 --> 00:15:45,601
What do you think?

385
00:15:45,636 --> 00:15:48,371
I think this is pointless.

386
00:15:48,406 --> 00:15:50,739
We're trapped in a warped version of

387
00:15:50,775 --> 00:15:52,274
Nietzsche's eternal recurrence.

388
00:15:52,309 --> 00:15:54,443
Oh, cool, more philosophy.
That'll help us.

389
00:15:54,478 --> 00:15:56,311
Well, don't you see the problem?

390
00:15:56,346 --> 00:15:58,280
We are experiencing karma,
but we can't learn from our

391
00:15:58,315 --> 00:16:00,382
mistakes, because our memories
keep getting erased.

392
00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:02,751
It's an epistemological nightmare.

393
00:16:02,787 --> 00:16:05,086
Ugh, even your nightmares are boring.

394
00:16:05,122 --> 00:16:07,422
You... you are so mean, Eleanor.

395
00:16:07,457 --> 00:16:09,157
You're just like those childhood bullies

396
00:16:09,192 --> 00:16:10,725
who said I would never get tenure.

397
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:12,460
And you are so irritating!

398
00:16:12,495 --> 00:16:14,629
In one of these reboots,
I probably strangled you

399
00:16:14,664 --> 00:16:18,066
and then went to the Even Worse
Place, but you know what?

400
00:16:18,101 --> 00:16:19,935
I bet it was worth it.

401
00:16:19,970 --> 00:16:21,303
Oh, nice.

402
00:16:21,338 --> 00:16:22,637
Ugh!

403
00:16:22,672 --> 00:16:24,238
Sorry, can I just vent to you
for a second?

404
00:16:24,273 --> 00:16:26,774
Chidi is so annoying.

405
00:16:26,810 --> 00:16:28,476
I just... I cannot believe that

406
00:16:28,511 --> 00:16:30,277
he is the one I'm stuck here with.

407
00:16:30,313 --> 00:16:32,146
Uh-huh, wow, crazy.

408
00:16:32,181 --> 00:16:34,181
Oh, sorry.
Jeez, man, I thought you could

409
00:16:34,216 --> 00:16:36,918
be human for, like,
two seconds and listen to me.

410
00:16:36,953 --> 00:16:38,653
I have, Eleanor.

411
00:16:38,688 --> 00:16:41,822
I have listened to you
talk about Chidi 15 times

412
00:16:41,857 --> 00:16:43,324
in 15 different ways.

413
00:16:43,359 --> 00:16:44,825
Let me just cut to the chase.

414
00:16:44,860 --> 00:16:48,128
You two, you got it bad for each other.

415
00:16:48,164 --> 00:16:50,331
No, we don't. Chidi's just a friend.

416
00:16:50,366 --> 00:16:52,166
What am I saying?
He's not even a friend.

417
00:16:52,201 --> 00:16:55,135
He's just a weird teacher that I hate.

418
00:16:57,539 --> 00:17:01,842
Dude, I do not want to watch
"Cannonball Run 2" right now.

419
00:17:01,877 --> 00:17:05,078
All right, what happened in the
first one, so I'm all caught up?

420
00:17:05,914 --> 00:17:08,147
I don't know what's gonna happen to us,

421
00:17:08,183 --> 00:17:10,350
but I need to tell you something.

422
00:17:12,087 --> 00:17:13,853
I love you.

423
00:17:13,888 --> 00:17:16,722
And you don't need to respond
'cause I know

424
00:17:16,757 --> 00:17:18,358
you have trouble saying how you feel...

425
00:17:18,393 --> 00:17:20,226
I love you too.

426
00:17:20,261 --> 00:17:23,296
Very funny, but that... that's
obviously not real.

427
00:17:23,331 --> 00:17:25,164
Oh, that's real, baby.

428
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:28,368
That's real nasty.

429
00:17:28,403 --> 00:17:31,370
Yeah, this was, like, the
sixth time you guys were here.

430
00:17:31,405 --> 00:17:33,539
I saw you getting sexy
the previous three times,

431
00:17:33,574 --> 00:17:36,308
so I cut a little hole in
the wall so I could tape you.

432
00:17:36,343 --> 00:17:37,977
Call it my lookin' hole.

433
00:17:38,012 --> 00:17:39,211
Is that a camera?

434
00:17:39,246 --> 00:17:42,481
Mindy, you pervert!

435
00:17:43,918 --> 00:17:45,985
How many times have
Chidi and I slept together?

436
00:17:46,020 --> 00:17:49,154
8 different days, but,
like, 20 different sessions.

437
00:17:49,189 --> 00:17:53,058
And how many times
did we say... that stuff?

438
00:17:53,093 --> 00:17:55,227
Oh, only once. Oh, God, I hated it.

439
00:17:55,262 --> 00:17:57,695
It, like, really killed the vibe for me.

440
00:17:57,731 --> 00:18:00,332
See, after I watch the porno
I made starring you,

441
00:18:00,367 --> 00:18:02,867
I watch you talk about
your feelings to cool down.

442
00:18:02,903 --> 00:18:06,103
It's, like, anti-porn.

443
00:18:06,139 --> 00:18:07,839
I've only ever said "I love you"

444
00:18:07,874 --> 00:18:09,407
to two men my entire life,

445
00:18:09,442 --> 00:18:11,743
Stone Cold Steve Austin

446
00:18:11,778 --> 00:18:14,846
and a guy in a dark club who I mistook

447
00:18:14,881 --> 00:18:16,514
for Stone Cold Steve Austin.

448
00:18:16,550 --> 00:18:18,583
I mean, why would you show me that?

449
00:18:18,618 --> 00:18:19,483
I don't know.

450
00:18:19,519 --> 00:18:22,019
You guys are, like,
trapped here together.

451
00:18:22,055 --> 00:18:23,287
I feel bad.

452
00:18:23,322 --> 00:18:24,922
You know, I'm rooting for you guys.

453
00:18:24,957 --> 00:18:26,223
No, there is no "us guys."

454
00:18:26,259 --> 00:18:27,691
We basically just met each other.

455
00:18:27,726 --> 00:18:29,293
No, Eleanor.

456
00:18:29,328 --> 00:18:32,463
You guys have known each other
a really long time.

457
00:18:32,498 --> 00:18:35,232
Also, it doesn't matter
if I told you that or not,

458
00:18:35,268 --> 00:18:37,100
because when Michael
finds out he's failed again,

459
00:18:37,135 --> 00:18:39,235
he'll just reboot you.

460
00:18:40,639 --> 00:18:45,241
Chidi, Janet, we're leaving.

461
00:18:45,277 --> 00:18:47,277
I am taking this with me.

462
00:18:47,312 --> 00:18:50,346
Oh, no. It's my only copy. Don't.

463
00:18:54,544 --> 00:18:56,612
How did it come to this?

464
00:18:56,850 --> 00:19:00,085
I was just trying to do of
something innovative

465
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:02,921
and different that would
improve the way we make

466
00:19:02,947 --> 00:19:05,591
humans' lives miserable for eternity.

467
00:19:05,626 --> 00:19:06,792
Mm, well...

468
00:19:06,827 --> 00:19:08,927
Shut up. What are my options?

469
00:19:08,962 --> 00:19:10,962
Do I have any?

470
00:19:10,998 --> 00:19:12,764
I mean, I can't go along with her plan.

471
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:14,666
It'll be a spectacular failure.

472
00:19:14,702 --> 00:19:18,503
But I can't ignore her
or she'll rat me out to Shawn.

473
00:19:18,538 --> 00:19:19,640
I'm trapped.

474
00:19:19,773 --> 00:19:22,273
You're saying a lot of words right now,

475
00:19:22,309 --> 00:19:26,678
and I only know some of them,
like "rat" and "Jason,"

476
00:19:26,713 --> 00:19:30,114
but I know a little wisdom
I can give you.

477
00:19:30,149 --> 00:19:32,950
I know everything
that happened in your life,

478
00:19:32,985 --> 00:19:35,019
and it was all stupid,
so I highly doubt that.

479
00:19:35,054 --> 00:19:39,290
I was a member of a 60-person
dance crew in Jacksonville.

480
00:19:39,326 --> 00:19:42,492
We were called Dance Dance Resolution:

481
00:19:42,528 --> 00:19:43,961
We Resolve To Dance.

482
00:19:43,996 --> 00:19:47,164
One day, Donkey Doug and I
got into a fight

483
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:48,632
because I'd framed his girlfriend

484
00:19:48,667 --> 00:19:50,968
for boogie board theft, so he started

485
00:19:51,003 --> 00:19:54,105
a new dance crew called Hashtag DougLife

486
00:19:54,140 --> 00:19:57,307
and immediately challenged us
to a dance-off.

487
00:19:57,343 --> 00:19:59,476
He said, "Meet us inside the abandoned

488
00:19:59,511 --> 00:20:01,478
orange juice factory at midnight."

489
00:20:01,505 --> 00:20:04,780
That night, as the clock struck 12:00,

490
00:20:04,883 --> 00:20:06,717
me and my crew came together

491
00:20:06,881 --> 00:20:11,733
with a determination
we had never shown before

492
00:20:12,258 --> 00:20:14,358
and slashed all their tires.

493
00:20:15,273 --> 00:20:17,106
It was dope.

494
00:20:17,408 --> 00:20:18,775
The end.

495
00:20:18,935 --> 00:20:21,268
By Jason Mendoza.

496
00:20:21,412 --> 00:20:24,634
You know, that inane story
actually contains

497
00:20:24,669 --> 00:20:26,069
a bit of good advice.

498
00:20:26,104 --> 00:20:27,703
Thank you, Jason.

499
00:20:27,739 --> 00:20:29,973
You got it, homey.

500
00:20:30,008 --> 00:20:31,907
I give good advice.

501
00:20:31,942 --> 00:20:35,244
Guess that's why I'm in the Good Place.

502
00:20:36,947 --> 00:20:38,681
Oh, there you guys are.

503
00:20:38,716 --> 00:20:41,150
No, stop, no more lies.

504
00:20:41,185 --> 00:20:42,985
Jason, get over here.

505
00:20:43,020 --> 00:20:44,320
That's right.

506
00:20:44,355 --> 00:20:46,188
We know his name is Jason, not Jianyu.

507
00:20:46,223 --> 00:20:47,890
We know everything.

508
00:20:47,925 --> 00:20:51,038
I don't understand much of it,
but, yeah, I know it.

509
00:20:51,070 --> 00:20:54,631
Your sick torture plan
is not working, okay?

510
00:20:54,655 --> 00:20:56,536
'Cause we keep figuring out
your little puzzle.

511
00:20:56,561 --> 00:20:59,101
We're winning,
which means you're losing.

512
00:20:59,136 --> 00:21:01,069
So you have two choices here, buddy:

513
00:21:01,105 --> 00:21:03,790
keep failing over and over or

514
00:21:03,815 --> 00:21:06,441
realize we're actually the ones
with all the power here.

515
00:21:06,476 --> 00:21:09,711
Yeah, no, uh... We're on the same page.

516
00:21:09,746 --> 00:21:11,970
- What?
- I want to team up with you guys.

517
00:21:12,033 --> 00:21:14,549
What? Why? You do? What?

518
00:21:14,584 --> 00:21:16,984
I'm in a bit of a bind,
and I could use some backup,

519
00:21:17,020 --> 00:21:20,955
or as Jason put it, um,
I need a new dance crew.

520
00:21:20,990 --> 00:21:23,457
So what do you say? New best friends?

521
00:21:24,826 --> 00:21:26,792
Stop it.

522
00:21:27,237 --> 00:21:32,237
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com