1
00:00:01,023 --> 00:00:03,203
- _
- Speech! Speech!

2
00:00:04,021 --> 00:00:05,640
Okay, okay, okay.
Settle down.

3
00:00:05,664 --> 00:00:06,789
_

4
00:00:06,997 --> 00:00:08,585
It's hard to believe I'm 50.

5
00:00:08,617 --> 00:00:11,011
A-A-As of today,
I'm middle-aged.

6
00:00:11,131 --> 00:00:12,437
What's he been the last 10 years?

7
00:00:12,462 --> 00:00:14,820
Delusional. He thinks
he's a millennial, like us.

8
00:00:14,869 --> 00:00:16,791
I've thought a lot
about what's next.

9
00:00:16,816 --> 00:00:18,893
- 51.
- Thank you, buddy.

10
00:00:18,929 --> 00:00:21,401
And it's important
that I continue to grow

11
00:00:21,426 --> 00:00:24,473
and that I stay
mentally challenged.

12
00:00:24,673 --> 00:00:27,346
Which is why I am starting...

13
00:00:27,530 --> 00:00:28,879
piano lessons,

14
00:00:28,904 --> 00:00:30,354
so that by next year's birthday,

15
00:00:30,379 --> 00:00:32,572
I'll be good enough
to perform in public.

16
00:00:32,597 --> 00:00:34,479
Great.
Another thing to go to.

17
00:00:34,504 --> 00:00:37,332
Also, I'm gonna learn
how to speak Spanish.

18
00:00:39,955 --> 00:00:41,440
I... I haven't started yet.

19
00:00:41,671 --> 00:00:43,111
And finally...

20
00:00:43,246 --> 00:00:46,580
And I know it's a little bit
of a midlife-crisis cliché,

21
00:00:46,605 --> 00:00:47,604
but...

22
00:00:48,142 --> 00:00:51,049
I'm gonna learn
how to ride a unicycle!

23
00:00:51,931 --> 00:00:54,916
Phil, you forgot to open one of your gifts.

24
00:00:55,691 --> 00:00:58,960
This one, Jay picked it
up for you himself.

25
00:00:59,087 --> 00:01:00,001
He did?

26
00:01:00,026 --> 00:01:01,015
Hey, Dad.

27
00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:02,476
So, what's going on
with that hat?

28
00:01:02,501 --> 00:01:04,984
Gloria thinks I look grumpy
in the photos that we take

29
00:01:05,009 --> 00:01:05,999
when we go to these things,

30
00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:08,335
so I'm searching
for the right hat

31
00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:09,945
that makes me look
like I'm having fun.

32
00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:11,915
Or you could just smile more.

33
00:01:12,655 --> 00:01:13,917
Wow!

34
00:01:14,358 --> 00:01:17,509
"The Sommelier's Guide
to the Wines of France."

35
00:01:17,683 --> 00:01:20,077
- I love it so much.
- Nice!

36
00:01:20,129 --> 00:01:22,782
My goodness.
It's inscribed.

37
00:01:23,539 --> 00:01:24,974
"May you continue to age

38
00:01:24,999 --> 00:01:28,107
as gracefully
as a fine Bordeaux."

39
00:01:28,436 --> 00:01:30,435
- Dad...
- "Happy Birthday, Jay.

40
00:01:30,460 --> 00:01:31,419
Love, Cam."

41
00:01:31,444 --> 00:01:34,185
Cam. Yeah. Jay, you re-gifted my gift?

42
00:01:34,316 --> 00:01:35,097
Dad!

43
00:01:35,122 --> 00:01:36,254
I didn't know he wrote in it.

44
00:01:36,279 --> 00:01:37,277
Because you didn't open it.

45
00:01:37,302 --> 00:01:38,782
So now I feel like a jerk.

46
00:01:38,807 --> 00:01:40,816
How could you be a jerk?
You're wearing that hat.

47
00:01:46,382 --> 00:01:47,902
A year from now,
I'm gonna know what that means.

48
00:01:55,069 --> 00:02:00,043
www.subtitulamos.tv

49
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,160
I got Gloria the greatest
Valentine's Day gift...

50
00:02:03,185 --> 00:02:07,394
A box set of DVDs
of all the Dean Martin Roasts.

51
00:02:07,758 --> 00:02:10,676
I was so moved
by the romantic gesture

52
00:02:10,701 --> 00:02:12,051
that for Jay's birthday,

53
00:02:12,076 --> 00:02:15,246
I invited a bunch of people over
to insult him.

54
00:02:17,178 --> 00:02:19,006
So, my ex-wife and I,

55
00:02:19,031 --> 00:02:21,318
we were on vacation
with Jay and Gloria.

56
00:02:21,343 --> 00:02:23,422
They're walking down the beach,
and my ex-wife says,

57
00:02:23,447 --> 00:02:25,834
"Whoa,
look at all that skin."

58
00:02:25,859 --> 00:02:27,568
And I said, "Baby, come on.

59
00:02:27,593 --> 00:02:28,514
What's wrong with that?

60
00:02:28,539 --> 00:02:30,865
She's a beautiful woman
in a bikini."

61
00:02:31,030 --> 00:02:33,935
She said, "I'm talkin'
about Jay's scalp."

62
00:02:38,665 --> 00:02:41,162
Jay is so not Latin

63
00:02:41,187 --> 00:02:43,711
that every time that he dances,

64
00:02:43,736 --> 00:02:46,139
people point him
to the bathroom.

65
00:02:46,790 --> 00:02:49,803
He has no rhythm.
That's what I mean.

66
00:02:49,828 --> 00:02:52,810
But seriously,
I love the whites.

67
00:02:53,058 --> 00:02:55,600
No, but seriously, Jay is
quite the environmentalist.

68
00:02:55,625 --> 00:02:58,326
Just this last year,
he recycled a gift of mine...

69
00:02:58,351 --> 00:03:00,092
A wonderful book about wine.

70
00:03:03,594 --> 00:03:05,654
I-I don't want to say
my father is old,

71
00:03:05,679 --> 00:03:08,982
but he remembers panicking
at Y-1-K.

72
00:03:11,096 --> 00:03:13,170
My dad is old.

73
00:03:13,195 --> 00:03:15,209
Together: How old is he?

74
00:03:15,234 --> 00:03:17,379
He's so old
that when he started using it,

75
00:03:17,404 --> 00:03:19,193
it was called Preparation G.

76
00:03:21,584 --> 00:03:22,623
Enough!

77
00:03:22,648 --> 00:03:24,217
This is terrible!

78
00:03:24,242 --> 00:03:27,318
I don't know why any of you
people think this is funny!

79
00:03:27,614 --> 00:03:31,631
You may think these are
jokes, but it's way too real.

80
00:03:31,656 --> 00:03:35,225
We need to respect Grandpa
instead of cutting him down.

81
00:03:35,315 --> 00:03:38,797
None of us really knows how
much time he has left.

82
00:03:38,822 --> 00:03:41,084
Do you really want theseto
be the last words he hears?

83
00:03:41,295 --> 00:03:42,982
Well, now I feel like hell.

84
00:03:43,420 --> 00:03:45,537
And that's how you roast!
Bam!

85
00:03:49,237 --> 00:03:51,562
I don't understand
why adults make such a big deal

86
00:03:51,587 --> 00:03:52,675
about their birthdays.

87
00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:54,726
So this year,
I asked for nothing.

88
00:03:54,828 --> 00:03:57,007
No party, no fuss.

89
00:03:57,161 --> 00:03:59,206
Just a quiet night by myself,

90
00:03:59,249 --> 00:04:01,575
with my thoughts, all alone.

91
00:04:04,263 --> 00:04:05,244
Okay.

92
00:04:05,269 --> 00:04:07,770
Just as I had hoped, Mitchell is miserable.

93
00:04:07,795 --> 00:04:08,919
He said he didn't want a party,

94
00:04:08,944 --> 00:04:11,208
but it's like when you write
"No gifts" on an invitation

95
00:04:11,233 --> 00:04:12,841
but you secretly want
everyone to bring something

96
00:04:12,866 --> 00:04:14,302
big and expensive, Jotham.

97
00:04:14,327 --> 00:04:16,192
I made a heartfelt toast
at your party.

98
00:04:16,225 --> 00:04:18,700
Yes, and those 12
words were just as generous

99
00:04:18,725 --> 00:04:20,911
as the actual physical
gifts everyone else brought.

100
00:04:21,092 --> 00:04:22,786
Okay, I'm gonna go in.

101
00:04:22,811 --> 00:04:25,380
When you hear me say
"Mitchell, you're not alone,"

102
00:04:25,405 --> 00:04:28,036
that's when you come in
and you yell "Surprise."

103
00:04:28,061 --> 00:04:29,801
We know what to say.

104
00:04:30,005 --> 00:04:31,247
Do you?

105
00:04:32,538 --> 00:04:33,974
Hey!

106
00:04:33,999 --> 00:04:35,810
- How you doing? Okay?
- Yeah.

107
00:04:35,835 --> 00:04:38,552
Now do you see what it's like
to spend your birthday alone?

108
00:04:38,577 --> 00:04:40,435
I do.
And it's...

109
00:04:40,460 --> 00:04:41,489
- Yeah.
- Amazing.

110
00:04:41,514 --> 00:04:43,653
- What?
- Cam, thank you. Thank you.

111
00:04:43,678 --> 00:04:46,458
For once, you heard me and
gave me exactly what I wanted

112
00:04:46,483 --> 00:04:48,630
instead of what you thought
I should want.

113
00:04:48,655 --> 00:04:50,794
Honey, this is
the best birthday present ever.

114
00:04:50,819 --> 00:04:52,419
- It is?
- Yes!

115
00:04:52,444 --> 00:04:54,239
And you've...
You've got to be relieved, too.

116
00:04:54,264 --> 00:04:56,179
I mean, every time
we hang out with our friends,

117
00:04:56,204 --> 00:04:57,841
they leave and you spend
the rest of the night

118
00:04:57,866 --> 00:05:00,247
complaining about how every
single one of them annoys you.

119
00:05:00,272 --> 00:05:01,778
I don't know what you're talking about!

120
00:05:01,803 --> 00:05:04,849
Please. Jotham's cheap.
L'Michael has bad breath.

121
00:05:04,874 --> 00:05:06,231
That doesn't sound like me!

122
00:05:06,256 --> 00:05:08,301
Antonio's weave
is falling apart.

123
00:05:08,326 --> 00:05:09,849
Vincent's a sloppy drunk.

124
00:05:09,874 --> 00:05:11,536
Jeffrey
won't stop telling

125
00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:13,653
his one Bernadette Peters story.

126
00:05:13,678 --> 00:05:15,636
You're the sloppy drunk!

127
00:05:16,513 --> 00:05:17,810
Surprise!

128
00:05:20,268 --> 00:05:21,922
Here's a thing I realized...

129
00:05:22,175 --> 00:05:24,910
You can't get older
if you never have birthdays.

130
00:05:30,659 --> 00:05:32,659
_

131
00:05:36,037 --> 00:05:36,995
What'd I tell you?

132
00:05:37,020 --> 00:05:38,508
I thought this would be the year.

133
00:05:38,533 --> 00:05:40,219
I told my family
I just wanted my birthday

134
00:05:40,244 --> 00:05:42,680
to be me and Dylan this year
because at the time,

135
00:05:42,705 --> 00:05:44,516
I was still keeping
my pregnancy a secret,

136
00:05:44,541 --> 00:05:45,891
and I knew
they'd get all suspicious

137
00:05:45,916 --> 00:05:47,091
about why I wasn't drinking.

138
00:05:47,385 --> 00:05:48,438
What was I going to say?

139
00:05:48,463 --> 00:05:50,274
"I can't drink because
I have work in the morning"?

140
00:05:50,899 --> 00:05:52,618
There's no way
they'd believe that.

141
00:05:54,061 --> 00:05:55,627
Here.
I got you a present.

142
00:05:56,108 --> 00:05:57,327
Ooh! Thank you!

143
00:05:58,539 --> 00:05:59,714
Get out!

144
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:01,930
Gucci baby sneakers!

145
00:06:02,811 --> 00:06:04,188
They're adorable.

146
00:06:04,558 --> 00:06:06,430
Our baby's gonna be so hot.

147
00:06:06,578 --> 00:06:08,014
Personally, I think it's weird

148
00:06:08,039 --> 00:06:09,774
that there are shoes
for someone who can't walk.

149
00:06:09,799 --> 00:06:10,922
But you know what, Haley?

150
00:06:10,947 --> 00:06:13,282
I love that we're pregnannnt...

151
00:06:14,651 --> 00:06:16,766
- Hello!
- Hi!

152
00:06:16,791 --> 00:06:18,047
What are you guys doing here?

153
00:06:18,072 --> 00:06:19,336
At the restaurant?
We got a...

154
00:06:19,361 --> 00:06:20,813
- We got a Groupon,
but we... - Us too.

155
00:06:20,838 --> 00:06:22,729
Yeah, we j... we just saw
that you were over here.

156
00:06:22,754 --> 00:06:24,340
Wanted to say
happy birthday. Happy birthday.

157
00:06:24,365 --> 00:06:25,633
Didn't mean to overhear.

158
00:06:25,658 --> 00:06:26,602
You didn't overhear anything.

159
00:06:26,627 --> 00:06:28,501
We were talking about a TV show.

160
00:06:28,526 --> 00:06:29,829
Well, then,
what's... what's up

161
00:06:29,854 --> 00:06:31,040
with these little
baby shoes, then?

162
00:06:31,065 --> 00:06:32,485
These are... These are not baby shoes.

163
00:06:32,510 --> 00:06:33,598
No, they're...

164
00:06:33,704 --> 00:06:35,376
We are starting a business

165
00:06:35,401 --> 00:06:38,836
for people who cannot afford
full-size designer wear.

166
00:06:38,861 --> 00:06:41,864
Well, as much as that
does sound like you, I....

167
00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:43,211
Okay.

168
00:06:44,504 --> 00:06:46,149
I'm pregnant. My God.

169
00:06:46,174 --> 00:06:47,079
That's exciting!

170
00:06:47,104 --> 00:06:48,751
- Is it?
- We think so.

171
00:06:48,776 --> 00:06:50,517
But we have not told my parents yet,

172
00:06:50,542 --> 00:06:52,196
so please don't say anything.

173
00:06:52,714 --> 00:06:54,672
Honey, I could
keep your secret forever,

174
00:06:54,697 --> 00:06:56,743
but just so you know, he can't.

175
00:06:56,768 --> 00:06:57,665
Yeah, I'm weak.

176
00:06:57,690 --> 00:06:59,594
Yeah, you got
maybe three, four days tops.

177
00:06:59,619 --> 00:07:00,907
- What?
- Yeah.

178
00:07:00,932 --> 00:07:02,847
Okay. Well, these were from us, but...

179
00:07:02,872 --> 00:07:04,415
Yeah, she can't have it. She's pregnant.

180
00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:06,180
Okay, there you go.
See?

181
00:07:06,484 --> 00:07:07,585
Now, you listen to me.

182
00:07:07,610 --> 00:07:08,882
My roller-coastering hormones

183
00:07:08,907 --> 00:07:10,798
cannot handle another
lecture from my mother right now,

184
00:07:10,823 --> 00:07:12,273
so you are going to tell me a secret

185
00:07:12,298 --> 00:07:16,148
that I will reveal to
everyone if you ever spill mine!

186
00:07:16,181 --> 00:07:17,898
Yeah, but I don't have any secrets.

187
00:07:17,923 --> 00:07:19,765
When he dresses as Fizbo,

188
00:07:19,790 --> 00:07:22,406
he puts the makeup everywhere.

189
00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:24,124
You're the best.

190
00:07:26,084 --> 00:07:27,937
Because of the whole 21 thing,

191
00:07:27,962 --> 00:07:30,140
people don't think
turning 20 is a big deal.

192
00:07:30,537 --> 00:07:32,909
But it's all
I've been thinking about

193
00:07:32,934 --> 00:07:34,762
for the last three years.

194
00:07:37,109 --> 00:07:38,067
Hey.

195
00:07:38,343 --> 00:07:40,130
Three years ago, I came in here,

196
00:07:40,155 --> 00:07:42,766
and when I saw you,
I fell in love.

197
00:07:43,053 --> 00:07:45,178
The kind of love
that punches you in the gut

198
00:07:45,203 --> 00:07:47,105
and makes you
wanna be a better man.

199
00:07:47,130 --> 00:07:49,556
But when I asked you out,
you said, "Sorry, kid.

200
00:07:49,599 --> 00:07:52,074
You're cute,
but I don't date teenagers."

201
00:07:52,379 --> 00:07:54,648
Well...
check it out.

202
00:07:54,673 --> 00:07:56,214
Happy birthday!

203
00:07:56,531 --> 00:07:58,054
But now I don't date men.

204
00:08:00,868 --> 00:08:03,827
Well... looks like
I've got a decision to make.

205
00:08:05,852 --> 00:08:07,331
On my birthday this year,

206
00:08:07,356 --> 00:08:10,098
I really got a sense
of what people think of me.

207
00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:11,447
Which is...

208
00:08:11,661 --> 00:08:12,605
so great.

209
00:08:12,630 --> 00:08:14,362
This is from me and the boys.

210
00:08:14,387 --> 00:08:16,166
Gloria got you her own gift.

211
00:08:16,565 --> 00:08:19,237
Wow, this is wrapped so nicely!

212
00:08:19,281 --> 00:08:20,229
I did that.

213
00:08:20,254 --> 00:08:22,128
It's a lost art
in this modern age

214
00:08:22,153 --> 00:08:24,547
where people simply click and
ship gifts over the Internet.

215
00:08:24,591 --> 00:08:26,418
Papi, just be normal.

216
00:08:26,462 --> 00:08:28,169
Let's see.
It is...

217
00:08:28,356 --> 00:08:30,208
some kind of silk pillow?

218
00:08:30,233 --> 00:08:31,190
Well, it's more than that.

219
00:08:31,215 --> 00:08:33,544
See, there's a switch
on the side,

220
00:08:33,569 --> 00:08:36,460
and when you lay on it,
it... it plays ocean sounds for you.

221
00:08:36,485 --> 00:08:38,077
You know, i-it helps you relax.

222
00:08:38,964 --> 00:08:40,538
At least it's not a re-gift.

223
00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:42,038
How do you live with this? I...

224
00:08:42,780 --> 00:08:43,976
Tell you what.

225
00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:45,710
How about we do one more
gift, and then

226
00:08:45,735 --> 00:08:47,694
- we take a break for cake
- and do the rest after? Yeah.

227
00:08:48,244 --> 00:08:51,224
Here, Mrs. Dunphy.
This is from me and Haley.

228
00:08:51,249 --> 00:08:52,505
Thank you, Dylan.

229
00:08:52,530 --> 00:08:53,491
Although I have to say,

230
00:08:53,516 --> 00:08:56,233
you have given me enough
gifts this year already.

231
00:08:56,258 --> 00:08:59,040
Again, I'm very sorry about
impregnating your daughter.

232
00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:00,271
Yeah.

233
00:09:02,141 --> 00:09:04,705
- What is this?
- It's an aromatherapy machine.

234
00:09:04,730 --> 00:09:06,173
See, you put in oils
that are supposed to help you

235
00:09:06,198 --> 00:09:07,591
with the stress of the day.

236
00:09:08,644 --> 00:09:10,602
Alright, well...
let's see.

237
00:09:10,627 --> 00:09:13,330
So far, I have gotten a spa day,

238
00:09:13,355 --> 00:09:14,697
three massages,

239
00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:17,751
a meditation class,
an ocean pillow,

240
00:09:17,776 --> 00:09:19,853
a rage bat, and a little machine

241
00:09:19,878 --> 00:09:22,259
that's supposed to trick my
nose into calming me down.

242
00:09:22,284 --> 00:09:23,759
Why does everyone think
I'm so tense?

243
00:09:23,784 --> 00:09:25,462
You bit through your night guard.

244
00:09:25,495 --> 00:09:27,497
You're squeezing me too hard.

245
00:09:27,522 --> 00:09:29,655
And last week,
you made the pharmacist cry.

246
00:09:29,824 --> 00:09:32,219
That's because he wouldn't
sell me any more Sudafed.

247
00:09:32,244 --> 00:09:33,486
The entire family was sick.

248
00:09:33,511 --> 00:09:35,330
I was not cooking meth.

249
00:09:35,449 --> 00:09:37,555
You know what?
I don't even want cake.

250
00:09:37,580 --> 00:09:39,571
I really don't appreciate
being criticized like this,

251
00:09:39,596 --> 00:09:41,243
especially on my birthday.

252
00:09:44,972 --> 00:09:47,105
That's my gift.
Open later.

253
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:49,876
Manny and I share a birthday,

254
00:09:49,901 --> 00:09:52,696
so I always do something big
to get attention.

255
00:09:52,721 --> 00:09:54,735
Look! No hands!

256
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,188
- Way to go, kid!
- Bravo, papi!

257
00:09:57,213 --> 00:09:59,063
Hey, guys!
Check it out.

258
00:09:59,088 --> 00:10:01,266
Unicycling to my piano lesson.

259
00:10:01,291 --> 00:10:03,618
Wow! We're so proud of you!

260
00:10:03,643 --> 00:10:04,876
Now, that's impressive.

261
00:10:04,901 --> 00:10:06,907
Happy birthday, Joe!

262
00:10:07,021 --> 00:10:08,508
It was!

263
00:10:09,304 --> 00:10:10,915
It goes without saying

264
00:10:10,940 --> 00:10:12,812
I'm the best performer
in the family.

265
00:10:12,837 --> 00:10:15,548
This year, for my birthday,
I decided to have a talent show

266
00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:17,314
so they all start saying it.

267
00:10:17,730 --> 00:10:18,829
Wait.

268
00:10:18,854 --> 00:10:20,766
It's a talent show? I-I didn't know that.

269
00:10:20,791 --> 00:10:22,876
- It said so on the invitation.
- Mitchell?

270
00:10:22,901 --> 00:10:24,180
I only skimmed it.

271
00:10:24,205 --> 00:10:25,293
This is a disaster.

272
00:10:25,318 --> 00:10:26,852
We didn't prepare anything!

273
00:10:36,315 --> 00:10:38,704
I can't believe they had
matching vests in their car.

274
00:10:38,729 --> 00:10:40,798
Uncle Grumpy,
why are you so angry?

275
00:10:40,823 --> 00:10:45,008
Because the President
wants to build a wall!

276
00:10:45,055 --> 00:10:47,293
Ay, yeah, that is very sad.

277
00:10:47,318 --> 00:10:48,324
Sad for me,

278
00:10:48,349 --> 00:10:52,145
because I have no
money and I am ugly.

279
00:10:52,170 --> 00:10:56,191
For you, he would let you
in because you have money

280
00:10:56,216 --> 00:10:58,059
and you have the boobs.

281
00:10:59,986 --> 00:11:02,215
I never thought Uncle
Grumpy would go political.

282
00:11:08,606 --> 00:11:10,715
I knew I wasn't ready!

283
00:11:14,913 --> 00:11:16,436
Stella, walk in a circle.

284
00:11:16,473 --> 00:11:17,648
Stella, sit.

285
00:11:19,996 --> 00:11:20,918
Close, Dad.

286
00:11:20,943 --> 00:11:22,910
No, I taught her
to go for the gun.

287
00:11:25,198 --> 00:11:28,418
The banjo scares me ever
since l saw that creepy film.

288
00:11:28,443 --> 00:11:29,910
Wait. What was it
called, again?

289
00:11:29,935 --> 00:11:31,110
"Deliverance"?

290
00:11:31,135 --> 00:11:33,063
No... "The Muppet Movie."

291
00:11:34,010 --> 00:11:36,235
He was a three-toed
tree toad, but a two-toed toad was she.

292
00:11:36,260 --> 00:11:38,375
The three-toed tree toad tried to
win the two-toed she toad's heart,

293
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:39,891
for the three-toed tree toad
loved the ground

294
00:11:39,916 --> 00:11:40,899
that the two-toed
tree toad trod.

295
00:11:40,924 --> 00:11:42,438
"Tree toad trod." And sent.

296
00:11:45,263 --> 00:11:46,438
Stop it!

297
00:11:46,463 --> 00:11:48,180
Fastest thumbs in the West!

298
00:12:04,458 --> 00:12:06,305
As you all know,
Sherry and I met

299
00:12:06,330 --> 00:12:09,031
and fell for each other
over our love of improv.

300
00:12:09,056 --> 00:12:12,203
So, we're at
a romantic restaurant.

301
00:12:12,228 --> 00:12:13,266
Okay.

302
00:12:15,370 --> 00:12:17,485
That dinner was delicious.

303
00:12:17,510 --> 00:12:19,563
I can't believeyou chose this place.

304
00:12:19,588 --> 00:12:21,953
The chef is my ex-boyfriend.

305
00:12:21,978 --> 00:12:23,110
The crazy one?

306
00:12:23,135 --> 00:12:23,797
Yes.

307
00:12:23,822 --> 00:12:24,997
He's very jealous,

308
00:12:25,022 --> 00:12:27,071
and I'm scared he did
something to your food.

309
00:12:28,541 --> 00:12:30,021
I amfeeling a little funny.

310
00:12:30,046 --> 00:12:31,700
I wish this were a little funny.

311
00:12:32,475 --> 00:12:33,982
Ooh. Ha.
Okay. Boy.

312
00:12:34,684 --> 00:12:36,271
I-Is this room spinning?
I...

313
00:12:36,296 --> 00:12:37,170
No.

314
00:12:37,195 --> 00:12:38,568
I was afraid of that.

315
00:12:38,593 --> 00:12:40,756
Well, then I better do this
before it's too late.

316
00:12:41,857 --> 00:12:43,380
And this part is real.

317
00:12:43,900 --> 00:12:45,267
Sherry Shaker,

318
00:12:45,292 --> 00:12:47,439
I used to be a one-man show,

319
00:12:47,464 --> 00:12:49,439
and then you entered
from stage left,

320
00:12:49,464 --> 00:12:51,150
and I fell in love.

321
00:12:51,709 --> 00:12:53,145
I want you

322
00:12:53,627 --> 00:12:55,797
to be my scene partner forever.

323
00:12:56,405 --> 00:12:59,062
Darling, let's force our
friends to sit through

324
00:12:59,087 --> 00:13:01,234
the rest of our lives together.

325
00:13:03,632 --> 00:13:04,898
Will you marry me?

326
00:13:04,923 --> 00:13:05,880
My God.

327
00:13:07,531 --> 00:13:09,054
Manny!

328
00:13:09,578 --> 00:13:10,789
No!

329
00:13:11,606 --> 00:13:13,739
Why would you do this?!

330
00:13:18,303 --> 00:13:20,860
You gotta be feeling better
about that piano.

331
00:13:24,857 --> 00:13:27,304
I'd rather not talk about
my birthday this year.

332
00:13:27,460 --> 00:13:31,693
_

333
00:13:31,763 --> 00:13:35,895
_

334
00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:38,841
I still can't believe Sherry said no
and broke up with me.

335
00:13:38,866 --> 00:13:40,755
What does he expect?
He's 20 years old.

336
00:13:40,780 --> 00:13:43,390
He proposed in front of his
family at a pretend restaurant.

337
00:13:43,415 --> 00:13:45,250
Whatever happened to "Yes and"?

338
00:13:45,275 --> 00:13:46,656
Jay, I've tried everything.

339
00:13:46,681 --> 00:13:49,281
Please say something to him that
will make him feel better.

340
00:13:49,306 --> 00:13:50,297
Fine.

341
00:13:50,801 --> 00:13:52,760
Kid, let it go.

342
00:13:52,785 --> 00:13:54,328
It was four days ago.

343
00:13:54,353 --> 00:13:56,234
Alright, let's make a wish!

344
00:13:56,554 --> 00:13:58,077
I wish I were dead.

345
00:13:58,863 --> 00:13:59,820
Alright.

346
00:14:00,868 --> 00:14:01,975
There we go.

347
00:14:03,822 --> 00:14:05,850
Haley and I
have had this plan for years

348
00:14:05,875 --> 00:14:08,662
that when I turn 21,
we'd hit the bars together.

349
00:14:08,687 --> 00:14:11,685
But since she's pregnant,
I was drinking for two.

350
00:14:12,926 --> 00:14:14,264
Technically, four.

351
00:14:17,085 --> 00:14:19,498
Lemme tell you something, Haley Dunphy.

352
00:14:19,523 --> 00:14:21,975
Do you know how much I admire you?

353
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:23,092
Do you?

354
00:14:23,117 --> 00:14:24,776
So much!

355
00:14:24,873 --> 00:14:27,475
While I was working my butt off,

356
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:29,295
you were out there having fun!

357
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:30,843
Not worrying about anything...

358
00:14:30,988 --> 00:14:33,226
Not school, not work...

359
00:14:33,251 --> 00:14:35,070
not condoms.

360
00:14:35,095 --> 00:14:37,492
Look at you... all preg-a-nant.

361
00:14:38,453 --> 00:14:40,437
Maybe I should have
Bill come get mepregnant.

362
00:14:40,966 --> 00:14:43,828
Then we can be pregnant together!
That would be fun!

363
00:14:43,853 --> 00:14:45,281
Where's my phone?

364
00:14:45,306 --> 00:14:48,085
I'm gonna text him to come get me pregnant.

365
00:14:48,116 --> 00:14:49,509
You know what?

366
00:14:49,552 --> 00:14:51,292
It's 2000-something.

367
00:14:51,317 --> 00:14:53,026
I'm gonna get him pregnant!

368
00:14:53,817 --> 00:14:55,714
I miss drinking.

369
00:14:55,739 --> 00:14:58,190
Unlike somepeople,
I love my birthday.

370
00:14:58,215 --> 00:15:00,823
It's the one day a year
that can be all about me.

371
00:15:03,979 --> 00:15:04,644
Yeah...

372
00:15:04,669 --> 00:15:06,659
So, I thought
it would be fun

373
00:15:06,684 --> 00:15:08,026
if we all went around the room

374
00:15:08,051 --> 00:15:09,682
and say what we love about Cam.

375
00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:13,159
- Yeah. - Well, that's out of
nowhere, but if you insist.

376
00:15:13,184 --> 00:15:14,354
Haley, why don't you go first?

377
00:15:14,379 --> 00:15:15,581
Me? Okay.

378
00:15:15,606 --> 00:15:18,011
Well...
I love Uncle Cam

379
00:15:18,036 --> 00:15:20,645
because he is fun and dresses with flair.

380
00:15:20,670 --> 00:15:21,889
My gosh.

381
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,933
And, I love

382
00:15:23,958 --> 00:15:25,511
that he makes my Uncle Mitchell happy.

383
00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:28,640
Also, I love that you
guys were the first ones

384
00:15:28,665 --> 00:15:31,331
to find out I was pregnant
and you never judged me.

385
00:15:31,932 --> 00:15:33,431
Wait a minute.
What are you talking about?

386
00:15:33,456 --> 00:15:35,464
I thought we all found out
at the same time.

387
00:15:35,489 --> 00:15:36,535
Well...

388
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,863
Mitchell, you knew she was
pregnant and you didn't tell me?

389
00:15:38,888 --> 00:15:40,519
I didn't think it was my place.

390
00:15:40,544 --> 00:15:42,175
Anyway, who's next?

391
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:43,683
"What I love
about Cam is..."

392
00:15:43,708 --> 00:15:46,167
I just wish you would
have my back just once.

393
00:15:46,192 --> 00:15:48,160
I don't think
she's been using my gift.

394
00:15:48,185 --> 00:15:50,185
_

395
00:15:50,210 --> 00:15:51,480
Welcome to my world.

396
00:15:51,505 --> 00:15:54,144
At my birthday, all anyone
cared about was weepy Manny

397
00:15:54,169 --> 00:15:56,041
'cause Sherry broke up with him.

398
00:15:56,771 --> 00:15:58,512
She has a boyfriend now.

399
00:15:58,812 --> 00:16:00,175
Way to go, Lily.

400
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:01,679
Way to go!

401
00:16:02,616 --> 00:16:04,800
_

402
00:16:13,313 --> 00:16:15,097
How old are you?

403
00:16:15,352 --> 00:16:17,542
I turn 51 in...

404
00:16:18,789 --> 00:16:20,181
this many days.

405
00:16:21,332 --> 00:16:23,552
My dad had a midlife crisis, too.

406
00:16:23,908 --> 00:16:25,417
I have a hamster at his condo.

407
00:16:25,442 --> 00:16:27,191
No.
N-No midlife crisis.

408
00:16:27,216 --> 00:16:30,002
I just think you're...
you're never too old to learn.

409
00:16:31,419 --> 00:16:33,159
Just stay away from my mom.

410
00:16:33,184 --> 00:16:35,166
She has a thing for losers.

411
00:16:38,393 --> 00:16:39,291
Are you okay?

412
00:16:39,316 --> 00:16:40,705
Should we take you
to the hospital?

413
00:16:40,730 --> 00:16:42,791
Yeah, the contractions
are getting closer together.

414
00:16:42,816 --> 00:16:44,470
No. Dad is next.

415
00:16:44,495 --> 00:16:46,432
I can hold it
for a few minutes, okay?

416
00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:48,330
I don't want to screw this up
for him.

417
00:16:54,156 --> 00:16:56,268
Yikes. Hate to follow that.

418
00:16:56,525 --> 00:16:58,353
What are you gonna dazzle us with?

419
00:16:58,779 --> 00:16:59,824
"Fur Elise."

420
00:16:59,945 --> 00:17:02,515
In which key... "B" obvious?

421
00:17:02,540 --> 00:17:06,539
Next up, the only
student of mine who shaves.

422
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:08,014
Phillip Dunphy.

423
00:17:17,767 --> 00:17:20,554
When I turned 50,
I vowed to do some things

424
00:17:20,579 --> 00:17:22,445
to take me
out of my comfort zone

425
00:17:22,470 --> 00:17:25,311
and keep me on my toes,
and I want to thank my family

426
00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:27,015
for being
my biggest cheerleaders.

427
00:17:27,955 --> 00:17:29,274
I love you, too, honey.

428
00:17:29,299 --> 00:17:31,495
No, Haley's going into labor! We've
got to get her to the hospital, honey!

429
00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:32,731
I tried to hold it!
I'm sorry, Dad!

430
00:17:32,756 --> 00:17:34,887
My God.
I'm so sorry, everyone!

431
00:17:34,912 --> 00:17:36,426
Convenient.

432
00:17:51,374 --> 00:17:52,504
Yes! Great! Come on!

433
00:17:52,894 --> 00:17:54,074
Great work, honey.

434
00:17:54,099 --> 00:17:56,121
Tell your mom I say hi.

435
00:18:00,344 --> 00:18:01,301
Dylan!

436
00:18:01,486 --> 00:18:02,725
Is everything okay?

437
00:18:03,845 --> 00:18:04,890
No.

438
00:18:06,438 --> 00:18:08,132
Everything's amazing.

439
00:18:08,157 --> 00:18:09,757
Why would you say it that way?

440
00:18:09,782 --> 00:18:10,913
Haley's fine.

441
00:18:11,093 --> 00:18:12,608
She was so brave.

442
00:18:12,673 --> 00:18:14,414
And the babies are great!

443
00:18:14,439 --> 00:18:16,037
I can't wait to see them!

444
00:18:16,062 --> 00:18:17,889
As soon as they're done
getting checked out.

445
00:18:17,914 --> 00:18:19,076
I'm gonna go get them now.

446
00:18:19,101 --> 00:18:20,019
Wait, wait.

447
00:18:20,044 --> 00:18:21,401
What aboutthe sex?

448
00:18:21,426 --> 00:18:23,448
Doctor says not for six weeks.

449
00:18:26,669 --> 00:18:28,106
Is this the Dunphy suite?

450
00:18:29,388 --> 00:18:31,271
How's the mommy?

451
00:18:31,296 --> 00:18:33,528
Hand sanitizer, everyone.
Here you go.

452
00:18:33,553 --> 00:18:34,598
How you doing, kiddo?

453
00:18:34,623 --> 00:18:36,731
A little tired.
I overdid it last night.

454
00:18:36,756 --> 00:18:38,794
I don't think
he was talking to you, buddy.

455
00:18:39,171 --> 00:18:40,351
It's overwhelming.

456
00:18:40,376 --> 00:18:41,953
Just feeling
so many different emotions.

457
00:18:41,978 --> 00:18:43,757
I'm also doing great.

458
00:18:43,782 --> 00:18:46,175
I have a son and a daughter,

459
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,718
and once they washed them off,
they were really cute.

460
00:18:49,427 --> 00:18:50,689
What are their names?

461
00:18:50,714 --> 00:18:53,630
We're gonna put a pin in
that until the drugs wear off.

462
00:18:53,655 --> 00:18:57,236
Nobody needs grandchildren
named Pixar and Coachella.

463
00:18:58,152 --> 00:18:59,807
Phil, this is for you.

464
00:18:59,832 --> 00:19:02,877
It's a... little early birthday present.

465
00:19:02,902 --> 00:19:05,905
And I admit, this one is a re-gift.

466
00:19:08,875 --> 00:19:10,289
"World's Best Grandfather."

467
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:12,571
It's the mug I gave you
when Haley was born.

468
00:19:12,596 --> 00:19:13,782
You kept it all these years.

469
00:19:13,807 --> 00:19:16,266
Yeah. But...
it's yours now.

470
00:19:16,291 --> 00:19:18,424
I don't need it anymore. I got a new title.

471
00:19:19,773 --> 00:19:21,122
"Great grandma"?

472
00:19:22,014 --> 00:19:24,026
Hell. I grabbed the wrong one.
Here.

473
00:19:24,691 --> 00:19:25,698
I'm going to count to three.

474
00:19:25,723 --> 00:19:26,680
Yeah.

475
00:19:26,902 --> 00:19:28,706
Hey, how was your recital, Phil?

476
00:19:28,731 --> 00:19:30,487
I messed it all up for him.

477
00:19:30,512 --> 00:19:31,948
Sorry about that, Dad.

478
00:19:31,973 --> 00:19:34,287
I-I know that was your
big goal for the year.

479
00:19:34,312 --> 00:19:36,073
I have a better one now.

480
00:19:38,562 --> 00:19:40,147
My year was beautiful.

481
00:19:40,597 --> 00:19:42,734
"Año" means "year."

482
00:19:42,759 --> 00:19:44,898
"Ano" means "anus."

483
00:19:45,742 --> 00:19:46,867
Still works.

484
00:19:47,816 --> 00:19:48,969
Hey, everybody.

485
00:19:49,250 --> 00:19:51,906
Ay, where are the babies?
I want to see them.

486
00:19:51,931 --> 00:19:54,383
There's no easy way to say this.

487
00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:58,577
Mitch and Cam have a whole
thing they want to do.

488
00:19:58,602 --> 00:20:00,474
God. It's worse than I thought.

489
00:20:06,084 --> 00:20:08,416
My God!
I love it so much!

490
00:20:16,208 --> 00:20:18,646
I can't believe they had
matching robes in their car.

491
00:20:20,411 --> 00:20:22,295
They're so beautiful!

492
00:20:24,907 --> 00:20:25,951
Come here.

493
00:20:26,605 --> 00:20:27,576
Good job.

494
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,537
You're both gonna get dog beds.

495
00:20:31,843 --> 00:20:33,019
You're next?

496
00:20:33,697 --> 00:20:35,271
Okay. Okay.
I'm just saying.

497
00:20:39,593 --> 00:20:41,068
Good job, kid.

498
00:20:50,542 --> 00:20:51,886
Is he still crying?

499
00:20:51,911 --> 00:20:53,714
Yeah, has been for hours.

500
00:20:54,498 --> 00:20:56,702
I thought he'd cry himself
to sleep, poor little guy.

501
00:20:56,727 --> 00:20:58,022
Well, has he eaten anything?

502
00:20:58,047 --> 00:20:59,491
I fed him an hour ago.

503
00:20:59,516 --> 00:21:01,483
It's amazing how one can be fine

504
00:21:01,508 --> 00:21:03,119
and the other one is so upset.

505
00:21:03,144 --> 00:21:04,861
You go up to bed.
I'll check on him one last time.

506
00:21:04,886 --> 00:21:06,241
Thanks, Mom.

507
00:21:06,514 --> 00:21:10,082
There's my big, brave boy.

508
00:21:10,107 --> 00:21:12,272
Sherry booked a
toothpaste commercial.

509
00:21:12,766 --> 00:21:14,991
I'm going to have to
seethat beautiful smile

510
00:21:15,016 --> 00:21:16,249
all the time!

511
00:21:17,486 --> 00:21:19,171
There, there.
Let it out.

512
00:21:19,195 --> 00:21:26,359
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