Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com
- What have I missed? - She stormed out.
Oh, my God.
Look at him. He's like a footballer.
She just full-on walloped him.
Yes, but only up here, on the forehead.
She'd have to be Mike Tyson to do him any proper damage.
- What? - I would have thought
that you were anti domestic violence of any kind.
I didn't say I was pro it, I said he was making a fuss.
So, if you were to thump me like that, how should I react?
You can say, "Ow", and express disappointment
but you can't roll around as if you've broken your skull.
I note that you didn't say you'd never thump me like that.
I know you. You'd push the hypothetical.
You'd say, "Yeah, but what if you did thump me?"
- That's what you do. - Well, of course,
but that doesn't mean you can cut out the preliminary bit.
That went without saying.
I've never thumped you yet and I never would.
- Ditto. - Well, there we are, then.
Something to take in there and build on.
How are you feeling about this week?
Well, pretty sure I'll be there from the beginning.
As opposed to 15 minutes
- from the end. - It took a lot of balls
to turn up last week
and the later it got, the more balls it took.
So, if you're there from the start this week
- that'll show... - Even bigger balls
than turning up 15 minutes from the end.
So there's basically nothing you can do
that isn't an extreme act of heroism on your part.
That's more or less it.
It's a wonder you can even walk you're so ballsy.
It must be like having two antique globes down there.
That was a bit sarcastic.
- Sarcasm's not allowed anymore? - Not given the circumstances.
I can't remember the last time we didn't
speak sarcastically to each other.
Last week, in here, when you apologized and so on.
And I rather liked this.
So I'm not allowed to make jokes about your giant balls?
You were being sarcastic about me not having giant balls.
If I had giant balls
and you were making jokes about those, then fine.
But you weren't. You were suggesting quite the opposite.
And I'm not allowed to because
I'm the one who's responsible for us being here?
- Exactly. - Gotcha.
Would you like me to tell you you have giant balls?
Is that what this is about? I mean,
sincerely, is that where this is coming from?
No.
I mean who wants giant balls?
That's not something you're interested in, is it?
God, no.
- I wonder if anyone is? - There's probably a website.
There is for most things.
So, what's the agenda? Not Lucy again.
We got to the end of Lucy.
I can't believe you even started with her.
I was giving some context.
I understand the relevance of Lucy's party.
I just don't know why you got into a 20-minute conversation
about Lucy.
She wanted to know why you hadn't come with me
on the night that...
I, you know, met Matthew.
I didn't come because I don't like Lucy.
- Yes, but why don't you? - Boring.
The woman who's trekked through the Andes on her own?
Yes, the very same.
Never again do I want to meet anyone
who has trekked through the Andes on their own.
They never shut up about it.
Put some photos on Instagram if you must.
And then move on, woman. It's over.
Whereas someone who saw the Turds in 1989
is the most fascinating person who's ever lived?
You see, that's the great thing about music.
There isn't much to say other than,
"I saw the Turds in 1989".
That's it, end of.
Then you talk about someone else you saw back in the day.
Kenyon was wondering whether you might...
Will you stop rolling your eyes? Her name is Kenyon.
There's no point disapproving of it.
I'm not disapproving of it. I just don't believe it.
Her surname may well be Kenyon
but I can't see that it is her first name.
She said it was. Kenyon Long.
- That's two surnames. - One of them's her first name.
I don't think so.
You think our marital counselor is lying to us about her name?
I mean, who is called Kenyon? Really?
She is. I can't see what advantage she's seeking
by making it up.
Maybe it's her counseling identity.
Mild-mannered Julie by day, nosy, judgmental Kenyon by night.
Is there anything you want to talk about this week?
- Not really, no. - So let's move on to Matthew.
I'd rather not.
Really, it's just that last week you seemed of the opinion
that there was no lead-up.
I had an affair and we decided to have counseling.
Last week was last week.
Counseling is an ongoing process.
You learn things about yourself and the other person
that you never saw before.
You've only done 15 minutes.
All the more reason to not just leap in.
- So no Matthew? - I think that's best.
Right. In which case...
What?
He's crying. Don't look. He'll see.
Where's she?
Buying him a drink.
Okay, from now on all I want is a running commentary.
- We can't talk about our session? - God, no.
- She's giving him his drink. - Brandy?
Nope, just beer.
She's not saying anything.
She's just sitting there while he weeps.
- Oh, she's awful. - It might be him.
Supposing he's murdered one of their kids with an axe
and the full horror of it has only just dawned on him?
And she punched him because of the murdering
or because of the dawning?
Well, you know what I mean. Something like that,
that would require counseling.
- The marital equivalent. - An affair maybe?
An affair is not the marital equivalent of murdering your child.
Well, you would say that.
Can we forget about them and get back to us?
I'm reluctant. They make us look good.
We've got less than five minutes.
We haven't even agreed on where to begin.
We can't talk about Matthew because that's not the root cause.
Not this week anyway.
Shall we talk about why we stopped making love?
Oh, Christ, no.
So we've got to go further back than that?
- How far back? - We've got loads.
My work.
Your work. Dylan's difficult spell. Your mum dying. Bloody hell.
I mean, if you think about it, it's like Brexit.
We could have two years of talks
before we even agree what the issues are.
Brexit is about divorce, though.
That's a negative way of looking at it.
What's happening behind me?
She's talking to him.
Does she seem angry?
No.
Well, there goes your child-murdering theory.
- Why? - At least,
he didn't do the murdering.
If she's not shouting at him over and over again,
"You murdered my child," then...
No, no. She's had an affair.
So why did she punch him?
I don't know.
It's as if we hardly know them.
- Can we go back to Brexit? - If we must.
It is a divorce, though. I'm not being negative.
Are you saying that's where we're headed?
And will you stand up?
- No, of course not. - I'm just checking
that's the last thing on your mind.
- Honestly? - Honestly.
I mean, I don't know how it can be,
not when we're heading into Kenyon.
Is it the last thing on your mind?
Yes.
That's ridiculous.
It's one of the ways that this might play out.
Think about Brexit. A lot of people think there are opportunities
at times of great change.
So you're saying you might be better off on your own?
What? No, no. I was talking about the country.
So what are the opportunities for great change that you're talking about?
We won't get bogged down in all that red tape.
We can make our own trade deals.
I'm completely lost now.
I don't want to talk about the country anymore.
I'm trying to understand why a marital Brexit
might be a great opportunity for you.
Who are you going to do trade deals with?
- OK. I'm not... - As far as I know,
you weren't seeing any Italian or German women.
And I can't see you having any luck
with the Chinese or the Americans.
This is all rubbish.
I'm just saying it doesn't need to be the great catastrophe
that the Guardian thinks it is.
You voted for Brexit, didn't you?
Well, what if I did?
You can't vote in the UK.
- I registered. - You registered?
You registered so you could vote for bleeding bastard Brexit?
Do not touch that doorbell.
You voted for Brexit despite every conversation we've had?
And it took giant balls, let me tell you.
When everybody I knew was going on
about what a disaster it was gonna be.
And that's why you did it? Because everyone else you know
- was doing something different? - Well...
that was part of the appeal, yes.
I also have some complicated but defensible socioeconomic theories.
Defend one of them.
I mostly wanted to annoy your friends.
Well, you'll do that.
They'll never speak to you again.
Hold on. It's not something that should be gossiped about.
It's personal.
So how will you annoy my friends if I don't tell them?
I was annoying them in the moment with my vote.
I don't wanna rub their faces in it.
The country needs to move on, to heal.
You go and work in a care home for the minimum wage.
You can replace all the eastern Europeans we've lost.
I'm prepared to do my bit.
I'd be useless if it was to do with death or sickness.
Or lavatories.
But anything else.
Why didn't you just ask me?
Right,
we're talking about Brexit for the entire 50 minutes.
Fine.
How did Matthew vote?
How do you think?