1 00:00:06,153 --> 00:00:08,895 Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com 2 00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:39,839 - Hi. - Oh, hi. 3 00:00:42,575 --> 00:00:44,277 - I bought you a drink. - Thanks. 4 00:00:47,935 --> 00:00:50,476 - Thank you for coming. - Oh, that's okay. 5 00:00:52,669 --> 00:00:54,703 - Have you been here long? - No, no. 6 00:00:55,598 --> 00:00:56,687 That's my fourth. 7 00:00:58,989 --> 00:01:01,057 - It's not really my fourth. - Right. 8 00:01:01,987 --> 00:01:02,987 Phew. 9 00:01:03,532 --> 00:01:06,074 - It is my second, though. - You're entitled to two. 10 00:01:07,300 --> 00:01:09,501 - Won't you want a pee break? - I hope so. 11 00:01:10,474 --> 00:01:11,995 I'll make it last as long as I can. 12 00:01:12,344 --> 00:01:13,864 It'll seem like you've been for a poo. 13 00:01:14,347 --> 00:01:15,434 Oh, hell. 14 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:18,554 I'll announce right at the beginning 15 00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:20,424 that I can never poo in someone else's house. 16 00:01:22,515 --> 00:01:24,955 I think I could say just about anything today and you'd laugh. 17 00:01:26,018 --> 00:01:27,059 Within reason. 18 00:01:27,887 --> 00:01:29,283 Let's not test that theory out. 19 00:01:29,649 --> 00:01:32,208 There is a difficulty, though. What constitutes reason? 20 00:01:33,748 --> 00:01:34,844 There's a talking point. 21 00:01:35,375 --> 00:01:36,773 We've probably got enough talking points 22 00:01:36,797 --> 00:01:39,066 without delving into the history of western philosophy. 23 00:01:39,232 --> 00:01:40,232 You're right. 24 00:01:43,779 --> 00:01:45,271 Who was the reason philosopher? 25 00:01:45,938 --> 00:01:47,271 I want to say Kant. 26 00:01:47,679 --> 00:01:49,184 I want to and I will, Kant. 27 00:01:49,758 --> 00:01:51,139 There, I said it. 28 00:01:51,486 --> 00:01:52,518 - Shall I check? - No, please don't. 29 00:01:52,542 --> 00:01:54,445 - We've only got a few minutes. - Are you sure it just t... 30 00:01:54,469 --> 00:01:56,500 Yeah, I'm sure, but thank you. Were the kids okay? 31 00:01:57,261 --> 00:01:58,387 Yeah, fine. 32 00:01:58,744 --> 00:02:00,464 Did Christina remember she was staying late? 33 00:02:00,895 --> 00:02:01,895 I hope so. 34 00:02:03,089 --> 00:02:05,732 - Dylan got another detention. - Oh, hell. What for this time? 35 00:02:05,832 --> 00:02:07,728 He was doing an impression of... 36 00:02:08,665 --> 00:02:10,839 someone I've never heard of in Geography. 37 00:02:11,086 --> 00:02:12,115 Idiot. 38 00:02:14,380 --> 00:02:16,940 - Shall we talk about... - I mean, literally never heard of them. 39 00:02:17,203 --> 00:02:21,236 Some YouTuber or Grimy. Who knows? 40 00:02:22,952 --> 00:02:25,464 And Otis was feeling a little better as I was leaving. 41 00:02:25,489 --> 00:02:26,562 Surprise, surprise. 42 00:02:28,610 --> 00:02:30,395 Are you trying to fill the time before we go? 43 00:02:32,352 --> 00:02:33,499 I suppose I am a bit. 44 00:02:36,651 --> 00:02:38,309 - I'm nervous. - I'm sorry. 45 00:02:40,257 --> 00:02:41,858 If it wasn't for me, we wouldn't be here. 46 00:02:41,883 --> 00:02:42,883 No. 47 00:02:44,378 --> 00:02:45,378 Just no? 48 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:47,441 Yes, just... 49 00:02:47,934 --> 00:02:50,022 no, if it weren't for you, we wouldn't be here. 50 00:02:50,690 --> 00:02:51,696 A sad fact. 51 00:02:52,045 --> 00:02:54,113 You wouldn't take a tiny bit of the responsibility? 52 00:02:54,751 --> 00:02:56,904 No. Why? 53 00:02:57,186 --> 00:02:58,262 Because... 54 00:02:59,011 --> 00:03:00,456 Because it's a long and complicated road 55 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:01,920 that's led us here, don't you think? 56 00:03:02,104 --> 00:03:03,486 I mean, that depends how you look at it. 57 00:03:03,510 --> 00:03:05,710 There's the long and the complicated and then there's... 58 00:03:08,070 --> 00:03:09,160 ...as the crow flies. 59 00:03:09,875 --> 00:03:11,589 Talk me through the route your crow flies. 60 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:16,338 You slept with someone else and now here we are. 61 00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:20,691 Except there's a bit more to it than that, isn't there? 62 00:03:23,100 --> 00:03:24,419 Which way do you go, then? 63 00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:26,364 - Crow or no crow? - Crow. 64 00:03:27,706 --> 00:03:29,222 You stopped sleeping with me. 65 00:03:29,651 --> 00:03:31,020 I started sleeping with someone else. 66 00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:32,854 My God, that's such a short version, 67 00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:34,632 and quite crude, if you don't mind me saying. 68 00:03:34,656 --> 00:03:36,258 See, my version's actually longer than yours. 69 00:03:36,282 --> 00:03:38,219 My version explains why we're actually here. 70 00:03:38,318 --> 00:03:40,607 Yours is just a short partial version 71 00:03:40,632 --> 00:03:42,243 of the long mess that came before. 72 00:03:42,637 --> 00:03:45,453 - Yes, I made a mistake, but... - Can we just clear something up? 73 00:03:46,453 --> 00:03:48,223 How many mistakes was it in total? 74 00:03:49,762 --> 00:03:51,589 - Well, one. - One? 75 00:03:52,358 --> 00:03:53,358 Yes. 76 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:57,160 - Depending how you define it. - Oh, okay. 77 00:03:57,854 --> 00:04:00,428 Well, let's define it in the way that gives it the highest number, 78 00:04:00,452 --> 00:04:01,658 just so I know what we're dealing with. 79 00:04:01,682 --> 00:04:03,352 The highest number would be in the hundreds. 80 00:04:03,376 --> 00:04:04,376 Jesus Christ. 81 00:04:04,631 --> 00:04:07,138 Because of all the tiny, tiny decisions 82 00:04:07,809 --> 00:04:10,511 - that led to the big mistake. - Oh. No, no, no. I'm... 83 00:04:11,146 --> 00:04:12,861 I'm not really interested in the tiny decisions. 84 00:04:12,885 --> 00:04:14,205 We need to leave in five minutes. 85 00:04:15,158 --> 00:04:16,158 So, one. 86 00:04:16,625 --> 00:04:19,047 But when you said it depends on how you define it... 87 00:04:19,762 --> 00:04:23,565 Well, you could define it as... as one affair 88 00:04:24,163 --> 00:04:27,033 or you could define it as... as four mistakes. 89 00:04:27,390 --> 00:04:28,390 How? 90 00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:31,194 The first mistake repeated three times. 91 00:04:31,237 --> 00:04:32,572 I'm... I'm lost. 92 00:04:32,872 --> 00:04:34,632 How many times did you sleep with this guy? 93 00:04:35,328 --> 00:04:36,328 Four. 94 00:04:36,743 --> 00:04:38,953 - Not three? - No. One mistake. 95 00:04:38,978 --> 00:04:40,940 Three repetitions of the original mistake, 96 00:04:40,967 --> 00:04:42,261 the first time being... 97 00:04:43,716 --> 00:04:45,293 the original sin, sort of thing, 98 00:04:45,318 --> 00:04:47,571 and the other three as... as duplicates. 99 00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:52,692 I mean, you can't write four times off as being... 100 00:04:52,851 --> 00:04:53,872 accidental. 101 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:55,671 You'd be hard pushed to write one off 102 00:04:55,695 --> 00:04:57,415 as being accidental, to be honest. I mean... 103 00:04:58,164 --> 00:04:59,290 How would that work? 104 00:04:59,766 --> 00:05:03,019 Look, I had an affair. Are you not consoled that it was... 105 00:05:03,569 --> 00:05:06,012 it was only four times, not 40? 106 00:05:06,123 --> 00:05:07,750 No, not really. 107 00:05:07,775 --> 00:05:10,681 I mean, once you get to four, you might as well get to 40. 108 00:05:10,706 --> 00:05:11,879 I think if it had been 40, 109 00:05:11,904 --> 00:05:13,349 we would be having a different conversation. 110 00:05:13,373 --> 00:05:16,320 Yes. One with lots of 40s in it instead of fours. 111 00:05:16,359 --> 00:05:18,879 You know what I mean. 40 would have meant it was going on for... 112 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,734 I'd like you to finish that sentence. 113 00:05:25,525 --> 00:05:27,490 How long would it have taken you to get to 40? 114 00:05:27,799 --> 00:05:29,104 This is a ridiculous conversation. 115 00:05:29,128 --> 00:05:31,064 No, I'm just looking for an approximate rate 116 00:05:31,364 --> 00:05:35,108 so we can calculate frequency as well as number. 117 00:05:35,216 --> 00:05:36,220 Why? 118 00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:40,615 - Comparison. - There is no comparison. 119 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:44,140 It's like comparing a 25-yard dash with a marathon. 120 00:05:44,298 --> 00:05:47,060 - And we're the marathon? - Yes, of course we are. 121 00:05:48,190 --> 00:05:49,790 Well, we're married. We've got children. 122 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:52,639 We didn't know that was gonna happen when we started having sex. 123 00:05:52,919 --> 00:05:54,631 We weren't pacing ourselves. 124 00:05:55,054 --> 00:05:58,100 We didn't say, "Oh, we'd better not go too hard at it 125 00:05:58,125 --> 00:06:00,261 in case we run out of sex in 15 years." 126 00:06:00,460 --> 00:06:01,624 Look. 127 00:06:02,395 --> 00:06:03,404 OK, these f... 128 00:06:03,585 --> 00:06:05,973 these four times took place over a few weeks. 129 00:06:05,998 --> 00:06:08,768 Our first four times took place over a few days. 130 00:06:11,838 --> 00:06:13,139 Hm? But where does that get us? 131 00:06:13,237 --> 00:06:15,717 How long is it going to take us to get to four times from here? 132 00:06:16,442 --> 00:06:17,977 - Where's here, though? - Here, now, 133 00:06:18,244 --> 00:06:19,706 when we're not having sex at all. 134 00:06:20,371 --> 00:06:21,890 If you wanna stick with the running analogy... 135 00:06:21,914 --> 00:06:23,167 Which I'm not committed to. 136 00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:27,064 Right now we are Usain Bolt with an injury. 137 00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:29,874 A groin strain, if you like. 138 00:06:30,041 --> 00:06:32,287 We're both Usain Bolt? Not just you? 139 00:06:32,374 --> 00:06:34,739 Our sexual relationship is Usain Bolt with a groin strain. 140 00:06:34,961 --> 00:06:36,408 Yes, we're stalled. 141 00:06:37,422 --> 00:06:39,991 But once we're up and running, we'll hit four in no time. 142 00:06:42,298 --> 00:06:44,940 We've got less than five minutes. We should sort out an agenda 143 00:06:45,171 --> 00:06:46,714 that doesn't involve Olympic runners. 144 00:06:46,739 --> 00:06:50,369 My agenda is why did you sleep with someone else? 145 00:06:52,287 --> 00:06:54,848 To answer that question I suspect we have to answer a lot of others. 146 00:06:54,872 --> 00:06:56,315 Really? Oh God. 147 00:06:57,874 --> 00:07:00,139 Oh... Oh, they're out. 148 00:07:00,356 --> 00:07:01,597 You can see the house from here? 149 00:07:01,621 --> 00:07:03,340 Yeah, it's that one there with the green door. 150 00:07:03,364 --> 00:07:04,364 Those two, 151 00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:07,530 they've just been given a right counseling. 152 00:07:08,664 --> 00:07:09,928 They look shell-shocked. 153 00:07:11,831 --> 00:07:14,108 - They're completely fucked. - As in exhausted 154 00:07:14,133 --> 00:07:15,911 or as in there's no future in the relationship? 155 00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:18,744 - Both. Look at them. - Is that really what we want? 156 00:07:19,026 --> 00:07:20,548 To totally fuck our relationship? 157 00:07:20,573 --> 00:07:22,304 I mean, it's not like there's nothing of it left. 158 00:07:22,328 --> 00:07:25,677 - No, of course not. - I mean, we've got two kids, 159 00:07:25,769 --> 00:07:26,870 - for one thing. - Exactly. 160 00:07:29,356 --> 00:07:30,435 - And... - Crosswords. 161 00:07:30,460 --> 00:07:31,726 - Yes. - And... 162 00:07:32,819 --> 00:07:34,642 - Game of Thrones. - When it's on. 163 00:07:37,941 --> 00:07:39,661 I guess what I'm saying is, I just didn't... 164 00:07:40,738 --> 00:07:42,008 I didn't think we had the kind of marriage 165 00:07:42,032 --> 00:07:43,496 that needed poking around in. 166 00:07:43,896 --> 00:07:44,896 Poking around in? 167 00:07:45,194 --> 00:07:46,662 I suppose it's a medical metaphor. 168 00:07:46,870 --> 00:07:47,873 It's quite a good one. 169 00:07:47,898 --> 00:07:50,080 If they opened you up and found you riddled with cancer, 170 00:07:50,104 --> 00:07:51,704 would you want them to sew you up again? 171 00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:53,785 You know I don't like talking about cancer. 172 00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:55,341 Can't it be Ebola? 173 00:07:55,441 --> 00:07:57,338 You'd rather have Ebola than cancer? 174 00:07:57,376 --> 00:07:59,463 It's harder to catch Ebola when you live in Kentish Town. 175 00:07:59,487 --> 00:08:01,290 Yes but the point of the metaphor is that you've got it, 176 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:02,882 not that you haven't, so... 177 00:08:03,182 --> 00:08:05,193 if we'd managed to avoid all marital disease, 178 00:08:05,218 --> 00:08:06,395 we wouldn't be sitting here now. 179 00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:07,553 Fair enough. 180 00:08:07,664 --> 00:08:10,475 Okay... cancer. 181 00:08:10,690 --> 00:08:12,730 So, do you want them to sew you up and pack you off? 182 00:08:12,821 --> 00:08:15,082 - How far has it gone? - That's why they're poking around. 183 00:08:15,106 --> 00:08:17,646 They can't tell without a bit of poke. 184 00:08:17,763 --> 00:08:19,141 This is why I never go to the doctor's. 185 00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:20,709 Which takes us back to where we started. 186 00:08:20,733 --> 00:08:22,611 You see, you don't wanna talk to anyone about our marriage. 187 00:08:22,635 --> 00:08:24,346 If it dies, you'd rather just find out about it 188 00:08:24,370 --> 00:08:25,647 because it collapses on the spot. 189 00:08:25,671 --> 00:08:27,039 Yes, exactly. 190 00:08:27,273 --> 00:08:29,097 Look, you're a gerontologist. 191 00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:31,480 You know all about good deaths. 192 00:08:31,802 --> 00:08:34,444 I mean, keeling over suddenly, that's gotta be one of them. Right? 193 00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:37,091 But that's a heart attack. Marriages don't die suddenly. 194 00:08:37,116 --> 00:08:38,660 They've always been... 195 00:08:39,243 --> 00:08:41,524 They've been sick for a while before they kick the bucket. 196 00:08:41,621 --> 00:08:43,510 Mm, right. 197 00:08:44,090 --> 00:08:47,368 Look, I think what I'm saying, medically speaking, 198 00:08:47,393 --> 00:08:50,758 is that either we leave it and it kills us or we get it looked at. 199 00:08:54,967 --> 00:08:56,702 - Okay? - Yes. 200 00:08:58,037 --> 00:09:00,117 I mean, I can't say I'm looking forward to it, but... 201 00:09:00,475 --> 00:09:03,221 - I don't want to run away from this. - No, of course not. 202 00:09:03,246 --> 00:09:05,602 I mean, however badly it goes, it's just an hour, right? 203 00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:09,161 I was talking about the marriage, not the counseling. 204 00:09:09,730 --> 00:09:10,730 Oh. 205 00:09:11,684 --> 00:09:13,152 - Ha. - Mhm. 206 00:09:14,038 --> 00:09:15,038 All right. 207 00:09:15,955 --> 00:09:18,032 Oh, before we go, is it a man or a woman? 208 00:09:18,057 --> 00:09:19,387 - You never said. - I did. 209 00:09:19,492 --> 00:09:21,027 - It's a woman. - Oh, a woman? 210 00:09:21,193 --> 00:09:22,562 Christ Almighty. 211 00:09:22,862 --> 00:09:24,758 You would have said exactly the same thing, wouldn't you, 212 00:09:24,782 --> 00:09:26,088 - if I'd said it was a man. - Well, yes. 213 00:09:26,112 --> 00:09:27,708 But bad in a different way. 214 00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:29,313 I mean, if it was a man, I wouldn't be able to... 215 00:09:30,202 --> 00:09:32,194 talk about anything intimate, obviously. 216 00:09:32,271 --> 00:09:33,981 - Obviously. - But if it's a woman, 217 00:09:34,006 --> 00:09:35,838 oh, man, I'm gonna get slaughtered. 218 00:09:35,910 --> 00:09:38,045 Slaughtered? Why won't she slaughter me? 219 00:09:38,493 --> 00:09:39,499 Feminism. 220 00:09:40,512 --> 00:09:43,075 I know that you had the affair but it'll turn out to be my fault. 221 00:09:43,215 --> 00:09:45,180 There'll be mitigating circumstances. 222 00:09:45,685 --> 00:09:47,341 Not just my... the... 223 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:50,392 the bloody sex stuff, but... 224 00:09:50,752 --> 00:09:53,277 she'll find out that you make all the money 225 00:09:53,492 --> 00:09:55,900 and do most of the cooking and whatever, 226 00:09:55,925 --> 00:09:57,797 even though you work and I don't and... 227 00:09:59,042 --> 00:10:00,808 and you do all the boring arranging stuff. 228 00:10:00,833 --> 00:10:03,477 I think she'll just write you a blank cheque. 229 00:10:03,502 --> 00:10:07,014 She'll be like, "Go on, Louise, fill your boots, girl. 230 00:10:07,039 --> 00:10:09,550 "You can have ten affairs if you want 'em." 231 00:10:09,575 --> 00:10:11,335 I don't think marital counselors tell clients 232 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:12,868 to have ten affairs, and I... 233 00:10:14,184 --> 00:10:15,434 I really don't want ten. 234 00:10:16,082 --> 00:10:17,516 The one I had was very stressful. 235 00:10:17,817 --> 00:10:19,581 She's gonna write it off, that's for sure. 236 00:10:19,606 --> 00:10:22,243 I won't let her. I'll tell her exactly how bad I've been. 237 00:10:22,447 --> 00:10:24,099 I don't think we need all the details, do you? 238 00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:25,146 Not like that. 239 00:10:25,285 --> 00:10:28,219 I mean, how awful I was. How unfair and... 240 00:10:29,261 --> 00:10:30,796 sneaky and... 241 00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:34,387 ...morally reprehensible. 242 00:10:36,374 --> 00:10:37,374 Cool. 243 00:10:57,990 --> 00:11:00,390 Let's walk up this road for a minute and try and sort it out. 244 00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:01,661 What are we sorting out? 245 00:11:01,961 --> 00:11:03,521 Well, whether a man or a woman is best. 246 00:11:03,696 --> 00:11:05,431 It's a woman, sitting there, waiting for us. 247 00:11:05,698 --> 00:11:07,066 There's nothing to sort out. 248 00:11:07,308 --> 00:11:09,443 Well, I mean, not necessarily. 249 00:11:09,802 --> 00:11:11,762 We could forget about this and try and find a man. 250 00:11:12,471 --> 00:11:14,631 Who, as you point out, would be bad in a different way. 251 00:11:15,207 --> 00:11:16,487 I've changed my mind about that. 252 00:11:16,776 --> 00:11:17,943 Oh, come on, Tom. 253 00:11:18,244 --> 00:11:20,066 This was your idea in the first place. 254 00:11:25,343 --> 00:11:26,344 Tom? 255 00:11:26,565 --> 00:11:27,766 Tom! 256 00:11:28,482 --> 00:11:29,489 Tom!