Hey.
For Emma's quinceañera,
am I supposed to just get her money,
or if I wanted to add something extra,
would she like a NutriBullet,
makeup, rosary beads,
a T-shirt that says "Slay all day"?
She's gonna like whatever you get her.
I just want it to be good, you know?
I always feel like Emma doesn't like me.
What? Why?
She always goes to her room whenever I come over.
And there was the time she saw in the towel
and it was never addressed.
Jonah, she's 15 years old.
If you're not Ariana Grande or Gritty, she's not into it.
Yeah, but I'm, like, the guy
who stole her mom away from her dad.
Yeah, no, you're right. It's true.
I was in a happy, fulfilling, blissful marriage
that would have just gone on forever and ever
if you hadn't swooped in and started whispering
"This American Life" stories into my ear
until my panties dropped.
I'm just saying.
I don't need to go if it's gonna make things weird.
I mean, between Emma and Adam...
It's not going to be weird.
Calm down. I want you to be there.
It would be weird if you weren't there.
You sure?
- Yes. - Okay. Okay.
Has she ever brought up the towel thing?
Because it was tied pretty low.
It's been discussed.
credits
Emma, hey! Happy quinceañera.
- Thanks. - That dress is great.
Somebody is ready for the red carpet.
Okay.
Hey, you two, could I get a photo?
- Ah, oh, yeah. Sure. - All right.
Go ahead and smile.
Ah, go ahead and actually get close together.
Oh, hey, Adam, how's it going, buddy?
- Hi. Hey. - All right.
Emma, what don't you take a little step forward?
And, Dad, go ahead and throw your arms around her.
- Ew, he's not my Dad. - Yeah, I'm not...
- "Ew" seems strong. - I'm the father.
Yeah, I'm just the boyfriend.
Oh, no, the mother's boyfriend.
I'm not... I'm not her boy...
You know what? You should probably do this instead of me.
- The father-daughter photo? - Yeah, maybe.
Probably should.
Oh, wow, I'm gonna have to zoom out on that one.
- You're so much taller, right? - Thank you.
There he is. Yeah, I like it. That's good.
Yeah, you guys, you're both so... so beautiful.
Thank you.
Oh, you guys, went all out.
Yeah, it was gonna be a little smaller,
but then I... I got my promotion, and I was like, "do it up."
Bo really wanted to come,
but one of his suits is at the dry cleaner's
and the other one's haunted.
Okay. Yeah, those things happen.
Oh, and, Amy, Jerusha had to watch Rose,
but there was no way that I was gonna miss this celebration
of Emma's transition from girlhood to womanhood
with cultural roots in Mesoamerica.
Thank you, Glenn. Did you spend some time on Wikipedia?
Yeah, I did. How?
- Where's Emma? - She's over there.
Look at her, in her dress.
I wore that dress to my quinceañera.
I can't believe it.
Just yesterday, she was this little baby,
and now she's this grown woman.
I'm so sorry. I have a lot of feelings today.
Excuse me.
I don't think I've ever seen Amy show emotion before.
I know, it's so weird.
It's like, I once saw my dentist yell at a stripper,
and it was like, "Oh, you do have feelings."
Amy doesn't cry often, but when she does, oh, boy.
- What do you mean? - Oh, it's awful.
It's like...
No, it's, um...
No, I can't do it.
I would really like to see that.
- Me too. - Mm.
_
Why are you lurking in the corner?
I'm not lurking.
I'm standing silently in the shadows.
Lurking works, yeah.
I'm just trying to stay out of everyone's way, you know?
Jonah, relax. It's a party.
You should be mingling. Go talk to someone
about how second season of "Patriot" gets better.
It doesn't.
See? This is a great conversation.
Get out there.
Oh, Mom, Dad! Come! Come here!
- Just talk to them. - I... I'm fine...
You remember Jonah.
- Hey, guys! Hey! - Nice to see you.
- Hi, Jonah. - It's been a while. Hi.
Er, yeah, yeah. It's good to see you.
Connie, I love that dress.
Somebody is ready for the red carpet.
Thank you.
You know, I think
- you're running low on ice. - I don't think we are.
Well, nobody ever thinks they're running low on ice
until they're actually low on ice, and then it's too late,
so I'm gonna go get some ice from outside.
Uh, excuse me.
It's his first quinceañera.
If everybody could take their seats,
we're gonna begin the presentation of Emma
and her court of damas y chambelanes
in just a few minutes.
They're breasts!
- I wasn't... I was just... - Uh-huh.
It was a bold choice to wear a dress like that
at a party full of a bunch of horny teens.
You're really putting the ladies out there.
Why should I have to police my body
because the men of this world can't keep it in their pants?
- I agree. - I mean, if Emma was Wiccan,
we would be all naked right now,
dancing around a fire pentacle
and grabbing each other's crotches.
It really sounds like you've done that before.
A couple of times.
And put your hands together for Marco and Daniela.
All right, and now, everybody, on your feet.
It gives me great pleasure to introduce to you
the quinceañera herself, Emma Dubanowski!
Oh, uh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you guys were...
- I'm so sorry. - Oh, watch out.
Oh, so sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm sorry, I was getting ice.
We can see that, big guy. Just get out of the way.
Okay, I'm sorry. I'm...
Okay, sorry. I'm sorry.
If you guys... just... just back up.
I don't want anybody to slip. It's... it's slippery.
It's good to see Jonah again.
I'm glad that's happening for you.
- Thank you. - You know what?
We're gonna take a break and clear the floor,
so everyone just chill
and we'll take it again from the top.
Okay, again, very sorry.
If you need anything, I'm just gonna...
you don't need anything. You guys are good.
I'm... okay. I'm gonna stop talking right now.
So, uh, I'm gonna write down my email.
If you could send me a copy of this video,
that would be great.
It could be any file, any size. I don't care.
Come on, it wasn't that bad.
If anything, you did her a favor.
How many girls get to do their entrance twice?
One of the kids said, "Smooth move, dick."
Like, just so uncalled for.
I'm sure most of them didn't even notice.
Look at them. Hey!
Hey! Hey!
Hello?
Oh, my God.
Look, I just want you to know
that nothing happened between Jonah and Amy
while you guys were together.
I mean, sure they kissed during the tornado,
but I'm pretty sure that was it.
Well, thanks for letting me know that.
Yeah. But then, of course, there was the sex tape
that happened at work.
If it helps, we found out later, Amy didn't finish.
Jonah did, though, so...
- Sorry about that. - Buddy, cut it out.
- Cut what out? - Dude, look,
I was your age once. I was obsessed with breasts.
I'm still a fan, but she's my friend,
so stop staring at her.
I wasn't. I don't care about some lady's fake boobs.
Okay, all right.
Well, they're real, but whatever.
They're totally fake.
You can tell when they're too round like that.
Dude, don't act like you know about breasts.
I dated her. They're real.
You dated her?
So you've, like, seen them?
Yeah. When adults date each other,
they show each other their boobs.
What are they like? Are they awesome?
Buddy, I'm not telling you about that.
But the right one's a little perkier than the left one,
but not in like a weird Picasso kind of way,
and they're sort of spread out, but not like Admiral Ackbar.
It's like they're...
You know what?
I'll just draw 'em for ya. Come on.
And on this day of your quinceañera,
I wanted to get you something muy especial, so...
Holy [bleep].
It's the traditional last doll,
última muñeca.
Jerusha and I worked really hard on this.
Do you like it?
Yes, mm-hmm. Just say thank you.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Oh, if you're wondering why the hair looks so real?
Because it is.
Yeah, Jerusha got her hair caught in the garbage disposal,
so, you know, we saved it for you.
Thank you.
Put her away.
- Keep her safe. - Yeah.
Emma, if I could give you any advice,
it would be, never give your virtue away.
Hold it, protect it until you meet
that special man that you will call husband.
This is, like, the fifth speech in a row
about Emma's virginity.
- It's weird. - I know.
It's like, who hasn't lost their virginity by 15?
Studies show that pushing abstinence on kids
actually makes them want to have sex more.
Or it encourages them to try butt stuff,
which, hey, God bless.
So it kind of curves up here to décolletage.
That's a crumb.
That's not, like, a third nipple.
Then over here, there's sort of a quick little dip,
like that first drop in Batman: The Ride.
And I know it seems like I'm spending a lot of time
on the sternum, but it's really all about that negative space.
Because losing the precious gift of chastity
would be the biggest mistake of your life,
almost as big a mistake as when this guy
ruined your big entrance.
From before, yeah. Zing.
Because, as we all know,
the unopened chips always stays the freshest.
Thank you.
Ah, who's next?
Oh, God, no. Pass.
Ouch, so cold.
I don't... I don't mean pass like I-I-I don't care.
I just... uh...
I... sorry, when I...
when I said, "Pass,"
I just meant, like, I don't want to say anything.
Not... sorry, not because I don't like Emma.
It's just, it feels silly for me to be giving a speech
when I'm not even a part of the family yet.
- Oh! - No, no, no, no, no, no.
That doesn't... that's not a... no.
Don't read into the word "yet," no.
Believe me, we're...
We're not getting married, okay?
I mean, I don't mean that we're never...
we're never gonna get married.
I mean, we haven't even
talked about it, right?
You know what? I should probably
just stick with the standard script
and say, um, congrats, Emma,
and I guess stay a virgin or don't... or don't.
You know, that's... your sexuality is your own.
- Okay. - Thank you.
Thank you for those kind words, Jonah.
- Here. - Just...
But, uh, we got some more partying to do, folks.
I budgeted six shrimp per person, so go to town.
And if there aren't any more toasts...
Actually, Amy, uh, I just wanted to say a few words
on the topic of female pleasure...
Oops, it's... it's broken.
Hi.
How are you doing?
Fantastic. Life of the party.
Man, I am so tired.
I really wish I could go home now.
You can, though, if you wanted to.
You know, if you're... if you're feeling beat.
I mean, it's only 8:30.
Oh, okay, only 8:30, Mr. Party All Night.
I wish I could be in bed with a good book.
Doesn't that sound great?
You've literally never read in bed.
You play "Candy Crush" until you're snoring.
Ha! Yeah, that's true. I love that game.
- Maybe I should take off. - No, no.
That's... that's not what I want.
I-I want you be here, just not so noticeably.
- That's what I want. - Fingers crossed.
Excuse me.
Were you the one who drew these breasts for my child?
What? No. What? Who's your son?
In the future, I'd appreciate
if you didn't give pornography to my child.
- Mm-hmm. - He's a child.
Got it, child.
Those are my breasts.
What? No. I drew those from scratch.
I think I'd recognize my own breasts.
I have over 40 mirrors in my house.
Okay, fine, yeah, they're your breasts,
but it was just that this nerd kid
said that they were fake, and I was like, "No, they're not."
And he's like, "Yes, they are," so I...
This is a really impressive level of detail.
Did you just do this from memory?
Yeah.
Wow. I guess I didn't realize
how obsessed you are with me.
What?
Well, it's almost sad.
Poor Garrett, pining after a woman
who barely knows he's alive.
No, I think you are reading way too much into a drawing.
I draw Garfield too.
I don't want to have sex with Garfield. I'm not Jon.
Stop!
Emma is the spitting image of you by the way.
Oh, I know. I'm trying not to cry.
Yesterday she was this little girl in pigtails
running around the house,
and now she's this smart, confident,
beautiful young woman.
You must be so proud.
I am.
And pretty soon, you're gonna be at her graduation
and then her wedding, then her funeral.
What?
I mean, you know, someday. Not now.
She's not gonna live forever.
Hopefully you'll die first.
Okay.
I'm gonna go, um,
mingle with some other... over there.
She didn't mean it.
- Oh. - Wow, she is a robot.
Hey, have you tried these?
These are called pastelitos de perro.
It's a traditional Honduran food.
Those are pizza rolls.
The Honduran food is here.
Oh, well, that's what I want.
I'm not some boring gringo, you know.
Well, give that spice. Show me the mole.
Oh, that's it.
? Did you ever know that you're my hero? ?
- You're Emma's hero, Amy. - You really are.
? Everything I would like to be ?
- You're her role model. - She's your only daughter.
? I can fly higher than an eagle ?
- Leaving the nest so soon. - Never coming back.
? You are the wind beneath Emma's ?
? Wings ?
Thank you, guys. Very cool. Thank you.
Do you have the dead grandma song from "Coco"?
No, no, maybe we should get back to the dancing.
I think you're gonna wanna hear this.
You're gonna wanna hear this, definitely.
Like at night, when you fantasize about me,
do you think of a specific incident of us having sex,
or is it more just picturing me there in the moment?
- Please stop. - All right.
If you're not obsessed with me, then I guess you won't care
if I ask McLovin over there to dance.
- Be my guest. - Okay, I will.
Hey, acne... Let's dance.
Me? Yeah. Sure. We did ballroom in gym one time.
Oh, good.
Hey.
Everything all right?
Yeah, I hear ya.
Look, I'm sorry about all the... you know, the ice
and the speech, the towel incident.
I really didn't think that you were home.
Here's the thing. I...
I really like your Mom and I know she loves you
and then I get all in my head about wanting you to like me.
And then...
I am so high.
- What? - I'm freaking out.
Oh.
My cousin Marco brought a vape pen,
and, at first, I didn't feel anything
and so I did some more
and then I wasn't even sure if there was anything in it
because Marco is a liar
and now I am very feeling something a lot.
Okay, okay, it's... it's... it's gonna be okay.
I feel like my heart's filling with blood.
Then it's doing its job.
Listen, you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get your Mom...
No, no, you can't tell my parents.
Right. Right. Right. Okay. Okay.
Well, then we're just gonna sit here and ride it out.
Hey, can I sit with my little princess?
Nah, we're good.
I'd like to sit with my granddaughter...
Connie, please!
The kid says he thinks I'm hotter than Tia Carrere.
- Well, no, I... - Yeah, yeah.
He's super into me!
Okay, cool.
What is she doing?
She's trying to seduce a 15-year-old kid
in order to make me jealous.
- Is it working? - Not really.
This is a really nice party.
You know, this whole tent
and the DJ and the centerpieces...
you went... I mean, you went for it.
Yeah, yeah, I did, thank you.
It was really nice to be able to this for her.
Yeah.
And when it's time for her wedding,
I will... I will handle the lion's share.
Yeah, yeah, don't sweat it.
It's good. I got it covered.
I actually just bought some stock in a drone company,
so it's gonna even out pretty quick.
Sounds promising.
Those things are gonna be everywhere,
flying.
This is my first quinceañera!
I love your Latinx traditions.
Huh? How am I doing?
All right,
I'd like to ask everybody to please clear the floor.
It's now time for the father-daughter dance.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
No, no, no. No, no, no, no.
- It's gonna be fine. - He's gonna know.
He's gonna know. No, he's not gonna know.
You can do this.
Okay. Okay.
Gonna be great.
Okay, maybe just try to walk normal.
Is this not normal?
No, no, no, no, no, no, this is... this is great.
This is how people walk. You got it.
- She looks nervous. - It's fine.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You know what? Sorry.
Uh, I think, actually, we're gonna try and squeeze one in,
uh, before the father-daughter.
What?
And this is the song we practiced to.
Yeah, uh, well, we can play it again for you.
You know, I'm sure the DJ has a repeat button on the thing.
- What? - Jonah.
- Hmm? - You need to sit down.
No, no, not until this song is over, at least,
and maybe... maybe just a few more after that, you know?
You're makin' it weird, dog. Just let her go.
Let her go!
Not... not gonna happen, Connie.
So this has one terabyte on it.
If you could just put all the raw footage on there.
You don't have to edit it. I'll take care of that.
This is fun.
_
I know. I'm sorry. I ruined the quinceañera.
I made it weird. I-I-I don't know why I...
She was high.
She told me.
Ah.
That was a very nice thing you did.
But, uh, for future reference,
the next time my child is on drugs, tell me.
Got it.
I did see Parker snorting cocaine
off his "Paw Patrol" table last week.
Oh, yeah, no, I knew about that one.
Hey, Amy, you've gotta see this video of a deaf kid
hearing his mother's voice for the first time.
Um, I'm okay, thank you.
It's really moving, though.
Just not... not right now.
Ow!
Ow! What the hell, Cheyenne?
Um, uh, I'm sorry.
I was just trying something. It didn't work, okay.
Sorry, night, okay.
You really should've kick her back.
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