1 00:00:06,049 --> 00:00:07,172 Hey. 2 00:00:07,485 --> 00:00:08,791 For Emma's quinceañera, 3 00:00:08,834 --> 00:00:10,271 am I supposed to just get her money, 4 00:00:10,314 --> 00:00:11,707 or if I wanted to add something extra, 5 00:00:11,750 --> 00:00:14,057 would she like a NutriBullet, 6 00:00:14,101 --> 00:00:16,103 makeup, rosary beads, 7 00:00:16,146 --> 00:00:19,497 a T-shirt that says "Slay all day"? 8 00:00:19,541 --> 00:00:21,282 She's gonna like whatever you get her. 9 00:00:21,325 --> 00:00:22,457 I just want it to be good, you know? 10 00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:24,067 I always feel like Emma doesn't like me. 11 00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:25,590 What? Why? 12 00:00:25,634 --> 00:00:27,853 She always goes to her room whenever I come over. 13 00:00:27,897 --> 00:00:29,507 And there was the time she saw in the towel 14 00:00:29,551 --> 00:00:30,682 and it was never addressed. 15 00:00:30,726 --> 00:00:33,207 Jonah, she's 15 years old. 16 00:00:33,250 --> 00:00:36,427 If you're not Ariana Grande or Gritty, she's not into it. 17 00:00:36,471 --> 00:00:37,820 Yeah, but I'm, like, the guy 18 00:00:37,863 --> 00:00:39,778 who stole her mom away from her dad. 19 00:00:39,822 --> 00:00:41,693 Yeah, no, you're right. It's true. 20 00:00:41,737 --> 00:00:45,436 I was in a happy, fulfilling, blissful marriage 21 00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:47,699 that would have just gone on forever and ever 22 00:00:47,743 --> 00:00:50,311 if you hadn't swooped in and started whispering 23 00:00:50,354 --> 00:00:52,226 "This American Life" stories into my ear 24 00:00:52,269 --> 00:00:53,227 until my panties dropped. 25 00:00:53,270 --> 00:00:54,619 I'm just saying. 26 00:00:54,663 --> 00:00:57,187 I don't need to go if it's gonna make things weird. 27 00:00:57,231 --> 00:00:59,102 I mean, between Emma and Adam... 28 00:00:59,146 --> 00:01:01,365 It's not going to be weird. 29 00:01:01,409 --> 00:01:03,541 Calm down. I want you to be there. 30 00:01:03,585 --> 00:01:05,501 It would be weird if you weren't there. 31 00:01:06,373 --> 00:01:07,678 You sure? 32 00:01:07,703 --> 00:01:10,461 - Yes. - Okay. Okay. 33 00:01:10,505 --> 00:01:12,637 Has she ever brought up the towel thing? 34 00:01:12,681 --> 00:01:14,551 Because it was tied pretty low. 35 00:01:15,466 --> 00:01:17,120 It's been discussed. 36 00:01:17,144 --> 00:01:22,039 credits 37 00:01:30,525 --> 00:01:33,702 Emma, hey! Happy quinceañera. 38 00:01:33,745 --> 00:01:36,139 - Thanks. - That dress is great. 39 00:01:36,183 --> 00:01:39,403 Somebody is ready for the red carpet. 40 00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:40,353 Okay. 41 00:01:41,188 --> 00:01:42,450 Hey, you two, could I get a photo? 42 00:01:42,493 --> 00:01:44,756 - Ah, oh, yeah. Sure. - All right. 43 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:46,295 Go ahead and smile. 44 00:01:46,671 --> 00:01:48,934 Ah, go ahead and actually get close together. 45 00:01:48,978 --> 00:01:50,849 Oh, hey, Adam, how's it going, buddy? 46 00:01:50,893 --> 00:01:52,547 - Hi. Hey. - All right. 47 00:01:52,590 --> 00:01:54,201 Emma, what don't you take a little step forward? 48 00:01:54,244 --> 00:01:55,724 And, Dad, go ahead and throw your arms around her. 49 00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:57,291 - Ew, he's not my Dad. - Yeah, I'm not... 50 00:01:57,334 --> 00:01:59,249 - "Ew" seems strong. - I'm the father. 51 00:01:59,293 --> 00:02:00,946 Yeah, I'm just the boyfriend. 52 00:02:00,990 --> 00:02:03,384 Oh, no, the mother's boyfriend. 53 00:02:03,427 --> 00:02:05,603 I'm not... I'm not her boy... 54 00:02:05,647 --> 00:02:07,431 You know what? You should probably do this instead of me. 55 00:02:07,475 --> 00:02:09,651 - The father-daughter photo? - Yeah, maybe. 56 00:02:10,123 --> 00:02:11,000 Probably should. 57 00:02:11,043 --> 00:02:12,697 Oh, wow, I'm gonna have to zoom out on that one. 58 00:02:12,741 --> 00:02:15,396 - You're so much taller, right? - Thank you. 59 00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:17,756 There he is. Yeah, I like it. That's good. 60 00:02:17,781 --> 00:02:20,087 Yeah, you guys, you're both so... so beautiful. 61 00:02:21,532 --> 00:02:22,794 Thank you. 62 00:02:22,838 --> 00:02:25,623 Oh, you guys, went all out. 63 00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:27,625 Yeah, it was gonna be a little smaller, 64 00:02:27,669 --> 00:02:31,629 but then I... I got my promotion, and I was like, "do it up." 65 00:02:31,673 --> 00:02:32,848 Bo really wanted to come, 66 00:02:32,891 --> 00:02:34,763 but one of his suits is at the dry cleaner's 67 00:02:34,806 --> 00:02:36,591 and the other one's haunted. 68 00:02:36,634 --> 00:02:38,854 Okay. Yeah, those things happen. 69 00:02:38,897 --> 00:02:41,552 Oh, and, Amy, Jerusha had to watch Rose, 70 00:02:41,596 --> 00:02:44,860 but there was no way that I was gonna miss this celebration 71 00:02:44,903 --> 00:02:47,645 of Emma's transition from girlhood to womanhood 72 00:02:47,689 --> 00:02:50,387 with cultural roots in Mesoamerica. 73 00:02:50,431 --> 00:02:52,868 Thank you, Glenn. Did you spend some time on Wikipedia? 74 00:02:52,911 --> 00:02:55,127 Yeah, I did. How? 75 00:02:55,152 --> 00:02:57,067 - Where's Emma? - She's over there. 76 00:02:58,470 --> 00:03:01,064 Look at her, in her dress. 77 00:03:01,089 --> 00:03:02,878 I wore that dress to my quinceañera. 78 00:03:02,921 --> 00:03:04,793 I can't believe it. 79 00:03:04,836 --> 00:03:07,317 Just yesterday, she was this little baby, 80 00:03:07,361 --> 00:03:10,326 and now she's this grown woman. 81 00:03:11,974 --> 00:03:14,498 I'm so sorry. I have a lot of feelings today. 82 00:03:14,542 --> 00:03:15,517 Excuse me. 83 00:03:16,108 --> 00:03:18,415 I don't think I've ever seen Amy show emotion before. 84 00:03:18,465 --> 00:03:19,724 I know, it's so weird. 85 00:03:19,725 --> 00:03:22,419 It's like, I once saw my dentist yell at a stripper, 86 00:03:22,463 --> 00:03:26,336 and it was like, "Oh, you do have feelings." 87 00:03:26,380 --> 00:03:29,731 Amy doesn't cry often, but when she does, oh, boy. 88 00:03:29,774 --> 00:03:32,299 - What do you mean? - Oh, it's awful. 89 00:03:32,342 --> 00:03:33,698 It's like... 90 00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:35,792 No, it's, um... 91 00:03:37,434 --> 00:03:39,001 No, I can't do it. 92 00:03:39,044 --> 00:03:40,568 I would really like to see that. 93 00:03:41,046 --> 00:03:42,537 - Me too. - Mm. 94 00:03:46,060 --> 00:03:50,567 _ 95 00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:53,407 Why are you lurking in the corner? 96 00:03:53,450 --> 00:03:55,322 I'm not lurking. 97 00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:57,802 I'm standing silently in the shadows. 98 00:03:57,846 --> 00:03:59,282 Lurking works, yeah. 99 00:03:59,326 --> 00:04:02,132 I'm just trying to stay out of everyone's way, you know? 100 00:04:02,286 --> 00:04:04,287 Jonah, relax. It's a party. 101 00:04:04,331 --> 00:04:06,724 You should be mingling. Go talk to someone 102 00:04:06,768 --> 00:04:08,683 about how second season of "Patriot" gets better. 103 00:04:08,726 --> 00:04:09,727 It doesn't. 104 00:04:09,771 --> 00:04:11,555 See? This is a great conversation. 105 00:04:11,599 --> 00:04:12,904 Get out there. 106 00:04:12,948 --> 00:04:16,299 Oh, Mom, Dad! Come! Come here! 107 00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:17,909 - Just talk to them. - I... I'm fine... 108 00:04:17,953 --> 00:04:19,694 You remember Jonah. 109 00:04:19,737 --> 00:04:22,827 - Hey, guys! Hey! - Nice to see you. 110 00:04:22,871 --> 00:04:24,786 - Hi, Jonah. - It's been a while. Hi. 111 00:04:24,829 --> 00:04:26,933 Er, yeah, yeah. It's good to see you. 112 00:04:26,958 --> 00:04:29,051 Connie, I love that dress. 113 00:04:29,094 --> 00:04:31,880 Somebody is ready for the red carpet. 114 00:04:31,923 --> 00:04:33,247 Thank you. 115 00:04:33,969 --> 00:04:35,405 You know, I think 116 00:04:35,449 --> 00:04:37,102 - you're running low on ice. - I don't think we are. 117 00:04:37,146 --> 00:04:38,626 Well, nobody ever thinks they're running low on ice 118 00:04:38,669 --> 00:04:40,715 until they're actually low on ice, and then it's too late, 119 00:04:40,758 --> 00:04:43,065 so I'm gonna go get some ice from outside. 120 00:04:43,108 --> 00:04:45,372 Uh, excuse me. 121 00:04:48,157 --> 00:04:49,767 It's his first quinceañera. 122 00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:51,726 If everybody could take their seats, 123 00:04:51,769 --> 00:04:53,771 we're gonna begin the presentation of Emma 124 00:04:53,815 --> 00:04:55,730 and her court of damas y chambelanes 125 00:04:55,773 --> 00:04:57,167 in just a few minutes. 126 00:04:58,646 --> 00:05:00,343 They're breasts! 127 00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:02,649 - I wasn't... I was just... - Uh-huh. 128 00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:06,480 It was a bold choice to wear a dress like that 129 00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:08,482 at a party full of a bunch of horny teens. 130 00:05:08,525 --> 00:05:10,092 You're really putting the ladies out there. 131 00:05:10,135 --> 00:05:11,833 Why should I have to police my body 132 00:05:11,876 --> 00:05:13,748 because the men of this world can't keep it in their pants? 133 00:05:13,791 --> 00:05:15,793 - I agree. - I mean, if Emma was Wiccan, 134 00:05:15,837 --> 00:05:16,925 we would be all naked right now, 135 00:05:16,968 --> 00:05:18,361 dancing around a fire pentacle 136 00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:19,667 and grabbing each other's crotches. 137 00:05:19,710 --> 00:05:21,146 It really sounds like you've done that before. 138 00:05:21,190 --> 00:05:22,227 A couple of times. 139 00:05:33,550 --> 00:05:37,701 And put your hands together for Marco and Daniela. 140 00:05:42,451 --> 00:05:45,954 All right, and now, everybody, on your feet. 141 00:05:45,997 --> 00:05:47,782 It gives me great pleasure to introduce to you 142 00:05:47,825 --> 00:05:51,655 the quinceañera herself, Emma Dubanowski! 143 00:05:55,224 --> 00:05:57,966 Oh, uh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you guys were... 144 00:05:58,009 --> 00:05:59,620 - I'm so sorry. - Oh, watch out. 145 00:05:59,663 --> 00:06:02,013 Oh, so sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm sorry, I was getting ice. 146 00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:04,015 We can see that, big guy. Just get out of the way. 147 00:06:04,059 --> 00:06:06,032 Okay, I'm sorry. I'm... 148 00:06:06,868 --> 00:06:08,150 Okay, sorry. I'm sorry. 149 00:06:08,193 --> 00:06:10,319 If you guys... just... just back up. 150 00:06:10,344 --> 00:06:12,415 I don't want anybody to slip. It's... it's slippery. 151 00:06:12,459 --> 00:06:14,591 It's good to see Jonah again. 152 00:06:14,635 --> 00:06:15,940 I'm glad that's happening for you. 153 00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:17,681 - Thank you. - You know what? 154 00:06:17,725 --> 00:06:19,030 We're gonna take a break and clear the floor, 155 00:06:19,074 --> 00:06:20,292 so everyone just chill 156 00:06:20,336 --> 00:06:22,354 and we'll take it again from the top. 157 00:06:22,379 --> 00:06:25,472 Okay, again, very sorry. 158 00:06:25,515 --> 00:06:26,908 If you need anything, I'm just gonna... 159 00:06:26,951 --> 00:06:28,257 you don't need anything. You guys are good. 160 00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:31,561 I'm... okay. I'm gonna stop talking right now. 161 00:06:32,087 --> 00:06:35,220 So, uh, I'm gonna write down my email. 162 00:06:35,264 --> 00:06:38,049 If you could send me a copy of this video, 163 00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:39,550 that would be great. 164 00:06:39,593 --> 00:06:43,874 It could be any file, any size. I don't care. 165 00:06:45,358 --> 00:06:47,261 Come on, it wasn't that bad. 166 00:06:47,304 --> 00:06:48,523 If anything, you did her a favor. 167 00:06:48,548 --> 00:06:50,741 How many girls get to do their entrance twice? 168 00:06:51,327 --> 00:06:54,241 One of the kids said, "Smooth move, dick." 169 00:06:54,822 --> 00:06:56,483 Like, just so uncalled for. 170 00:06:56,771 --> 00:06:59,217 I'm sure most of them didn't even notice. 171 00:06:59,689 --> 00:07:01,538 Look at them. Hey! 172 00:07:02,134 --> 00:07:04,191 Hey! Hey! 173 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:06,100 Hello? 174 00:07:06,766 --> 00:07:07,788 Oh, my God. 175 00:07:08,569 --> 00:07:10,396 Look, I just want you to know 176 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:12,124 that nothing happened between Jonah and Amy 177 00:07:12,149 --> 00:07:13,617 while you guys were together. 178 00:07:13,661 --> 00:07:15,184 I mean, sure they kissed during the tornado, 179 00:07:15,227 --> 00:07:16,315 but I'm pretty sure that was it. 180 00:07:16,359 --> 00:07:17,795 Well, thanks for letting me know that. 181 00:07:17,839 --> 00:07:20,145 Yeah. But then, of course, there was the sex tape 182 00:07:20,189 --> 00:07:21,741 that happened at work. 183 00:07:22,050 --> 00:07:25,702 If it helps, we found out later, Amy didn't finish. 184 00:07:26,587 --> 00:07:28,676 Jonah did, though, so... 185 00:07:29,299 --> 00:07:31,635 - Sorry about that. - Buddy, cut it out. 186 00:07:31,679 --> 00:07:33,530 - Cut what out? - Dude, look, 187 00:07:33,531 --> 00:07:35,596 I was your age once. I was obsessed with breasts. 188 00:07:35,639 --> 00:07:37,293 I'm still a fan, but she's my friend, 189 00:07:37,336 --> 00:07:38,816 so stop staring at her. 190 00:07:38,860 --> 00:07:42,080 I wasn't. I don't care about some lady's fake boobs. 191 00:07:42,124 --> 00:07:43,299 Okay, all right. 192 00:07:43,342 --> 00:07:44,866 Well, they're real, but whatever. 193 00:07:44,909 --> 00:07:46,607 They're totally fake. 194 00:07:46,650 --> 00:07:48,347 You can tell when they're too round like that. 195 00:07:48,391 --> 00:07:50,219 Dude, don't act like you know about breasts. 196 00:07:50,262 --> 00:07:51,699 I dated her. They're real. 197 00:07:51,742 --> 00:07:52,705 You dated her? 198 00:07:53,570 --> 00:07:54,702 So you've, like, seen them? 199 00:07:54,745 --> 00:07:56,660 Yeah. When adults date each other, 200 00:07:56,704 --> 00:07:58,227 they show each other their boobs. 201 00:07:58,270 --> 00:08:00,229 What are they like? Are they awesome? 202 00:08:00,272 --> 00:08:03,313 Buddy, I'm not telling you about that. 203 00:08:04,712 --> 00:08:06,714 But the right one's a little perkier than the left one, 204 00:08:06,757 --> 00:08:09,368 but not in like a weird Picasso kind of way, 205 00:08:09,412 --> 00:08:11,762 and they're sort of spread out, but not like Admiral Ackbar. 206 00:08:11,806 --> 00:08:13,198 It's like they're... 207 00:08:13,242 --> 00:08:14,739 You know what? 208 00:08:15,374 --> 00:08:17,463 I'll just draw 'em for ya. Come on. 209 00:08:19,422 --> 00:08:21,772 And on this day of your quinceañera, 210 00:08:21,816 --> 00:08:26,124 I wanted to get you something muy especial, so... 211 00:08:27,343 --> 00:08:28,474 Holy [bleep]. 212 00:08:28,518 --> 00:08:31,390 It's the traditional last doll, 213 00:08:31,434 --> 00:08:32,740 última muñeca. 214 00:08:32,783 --> 00:08:35,438 Jerusha and I worked really hard on this. 215 00:08:35,481 --> 00:08:36,526 Do you like it? 216 00:08:36,569 --> 00:08:38,571 Yes, mm-hmm. Just say thank you. 217 00:08:38,615 --> 00:08:40,617 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 218 00:08:40,661 --> 00:08:42,706 Oh, if you're wondering why the hair looks so real? 219 00:08:42,750 --> 00:08:44,229 Because it is. 220 00:08:44,273 --> 00:08:47,145 Yeah, Jerusha got her hair caught in the garbage disposal, 221 00:08:47,189 --> 00:08:50,047 so, you know, we saved it for you. 222 00:08:50,125 --> 00:08:51,335 Thank you. 223 00:08:52,716 --> 00:08:54,703 Put her away. 224 00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:57,534 - Keep her safe. - Yeah. 225 00:09:06,338 --> 00:09:08,514 Emma, if I could give you any advice, 226 00:09:08,558 --> 00:09:10,429 it would be, never give your virtue away. 227 00:09:10,473 --> 00:09:13,432 Hold it, protect it until you meet 228 00:09:13,476 --> 00:09:15,304 that special man that you will call husband. 229 00:09:15,347 --> 00:09:16,697 This is, like, the fifth speech in a row 230 00:09:16,740 --> 00:09:17,915 about Emma's virginity. 231 00:09:17,959 --> 00:09:19,221 - It's weird. - I know. 232 00:09:19,264 --> 00:09:22,441 It's like, who hasn't lost their virginity by 15? 233 00:09:22,485 --> 00:09:24,313 Studies show that pushing abstinence on kids 234 00:09:24,338 --> 00:09:25,967 actually makes them want to have sex more. 235 00:09:26,010 --> 00:09:27,751 Or it encourages them to try butt stuff, 236 00:09:27,795 --> 00:09:29,710 which, hey, God bless. 237 00:09:29,753 --> 00:09:33,670 So it kind of curves up here to décolletage. 238 00:09:33,714 --> 00:09:34,758 That's a crumb. 239 00:09:34,802 --> 00:09:37,326 That's not, like, a third nipple. 240 00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:39,994 Then over here, there's sort of a quick little dip, 241 00:09:39,995 --> 00:09:42,679 like that first drop in Batman: The Ride. 242 00:09:42,723 --> 00:09:45,334 And I know it seems like I'm spending a lot of time 243 00:09:45,377 --> 00:09:49,071 on the sternum, but it's really all about that negative space. 244 00:09:49,096 --> 00:09:51,340 Because losing the precious gift of chastity 245 00:09:51,383 --> 00:09:53,298 would be the biggest mistake of your life, 246 00:09:53,342 --> 00:09:55,392 almost as big a mistake as when this guy 247 00:09:55,417 --> 00:09:56,735 ruined your big entrance. 248 00:10:00,282 --> 00:10:02,371 From before, yeah. Zing. 249 00:10:08,705 --> 00:10:11,494 Because, as we all know, 250 00:10:12,274 --> 00:10:16,713 the unopened chips always stays the freshest. 251 00:10:16,757 --> 00:10:18,367 Thank you. 252 00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:19,803 Ah, who's next? 253 00:10:19,847 --> 00:10:21,674 Oh, God, no. Pass. 254 00:10:21,718 --> 00:10:23,807 Ouch, so cold. 255 00:10:23,851 --> 00:10:26,836 I don't... I don't mean pass like I-I-I don't care. 256 00:10:26,894 --> 00:10:28,249 I just... uh... 257 00:10:29,530 --> 00:10:30,967 I... sorry, when I... 258 00:10:30,992 --> 00:10:32,381 when I said, "Pass," 259 00:10:32,424 --> 00:10:33,904 I just meant, like, I don't want to say anything. 260 00:10:33,948 --> 00:10:37,560 Not... sorry, not because I don't like Emma. 261 00:10:37,603 --> 00:10:40,868 It's just, it feels silly for me to be giving a speech 262 00:10:40,911 --> 00:10:43,636 when I'm not even a part of the family yet. 263 00:10:43,637 --> 00:10:45,394 - Oh! - No, no, no, no, no, no. 264 00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:46,830 That doesn't... that's not a... no. 265 00:10:46,874 --> 00:10:48,049 Don't read into the word "yet," no. 266 00:10:48,092 --> 00:10:49,169 Believe me, we're... 267 00:10:49,170 --> 00:10:51,052 We're not getting married, okay? 268 00:10:51,095 --> 00:10:52,488 I mean, I don't mean that we're never... 269 00:10:52,531 --> 00:10:53,794 we're never gonna get married. 270 00:10:53,837 --> 00:10:55,447 I mean, we haven't even 271 00:10:55,491 --> 00:10:57,090 talked about it, right? 272 00:10:57,091 --> 00:10:59,321 You know what? I should probably 273 00:10:59,364 --> 00:11:00,888 just stick with the standard script 274 00:11:00,931 --> 00:11:03,586 and say, um, congrats, Emma, 275 00:11:03,629 --> 00:11:07,808 and I guess stay a virgin or don't... or don't. 276 00:11:07,851 --> 00:11:11,028 You know, that's... your sexuality is your own. 277 00:11:11,072 --> 00:11:12,377 - Okay. - Thank you. 278 00:11:12,421 --> 00:11:16,400 Thank you for those kind words, Jonah. 279 00:11:16,991 --> 00:11:18,210 - Here. - Just... 280 00:11:19,582 --> 00:11:22,387 But, uh, we got some more partying to do, folks. 281 00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:25,564 I budgeted six shrimp per person, so go to town. 282 00:11:25,608 --> 00:11:27,697 And if there aren't any more toasts... 283 00:11:27,740 --> 00:11:30,526 Actually, Amy, uh, I just wanted to say a few words 284 00:11:30,569 --> 00:11:32,141 on the topic of female pleasure... 285 00:11:35,031 --> 00:11:36,961 Oops, it's... it's broken. 286 00:11:42,508 --> 00:11:43,542 Hi. 287 00:11:43,739 --> 00:11:45,261 How are you doing? 288 00:11:46,062 --> 00:11:48,368 Fantastic. Life of the party. 289 00:11:51,178 --> 00:11:53,348 Man, I am so tired. 290 00:11:53,373 --> 00:11:55,506 I really wish I could go home now. 291 00:11:55,549 --> 00:11:57,290 You can, though, if you wanted to. 292 00:11:57,334 --> 00:11:59,989 You know, if you're... if you're feeling beat. 293 00:12:00,032 --> 00:12:01,555 I mean, it's only 8:30. 294 00:12:01,599 --> 00:12:05,472 Oh, okay, only 8:30, Mr. Party All Night. 295 00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:07,257 I wish I could be in bed with a good book. 296 00:12:07,300 --> 00:12:08,674 Doesn't that sound great? 297 00:12:08,675 --> 00:12:11,391 You've literally never read in bed. 298 00:12:11,435 --> 00:12:14,046 You play "Candy Crush" until you're snoring. 299 00:12:14,090 --> 00:12:16,570 Ha! Yeah, that's true. I love that game. 300 00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:20,183 - Maybe I should take off. - No, no. 301 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:21,967 That's... that's not what I want. 302 00:12:22,011 --> 00:12:26,276 I-I want you be here, just not so noticeably. 303 00:12:26,319 --> 00:12:29,540 - That's what I want. - Fingers crossed. 304 00:12:31,454 --> 00:12:32,789 Excuse me. 305 00:12:32,790 --> 00:12:34,980 Were you the one who drew these breasts for my child? 306 00:12:35,024 --> 00:12:37,113 What? No. What? Who's your son? 307 00:12:37,156 --> 00:12:38,331 In the future, I'd appreciate 308 00:12:38,375 --> 00:12:40,507 if you didn't give pornography to my child. 309 00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:42,385 - Mm-hmm. - He's a child. 310 00:12:42,814 --> 00:12:44,103 Got it, child. 311 00:12:44,424 --> 00:12:45,686 Those are my breasts. 312 00:12:45,730 --> 00:12:49,429 What? No. I drew those from scratch. 313 00:12:49,473 --> 00:12:50,996 I think I'd recognize my own breasts. 314 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:52,606 I have over 40 mirrors in my house. 315 00:12:52,650 --> 00:12:54,652 Okay, fine, yeah, they're your breasts, 316 00:12:54,695 --> 00:12:56,436 but it was just that this nerd kid 317 00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,569 said that they were fake, and I was like, "No, they're not." 318 00:12:58,612 --> 00:13:00,005 And he's like, "Yes, they are," so I... 319 00:13:00,049 --> 00:13:01,615 This is a really impressive level of detail. 320 00:13:01,659 --> 00:13:03,008 Did you just do this from memory? 321 00:13:03,052 --> 00:13:04,053 Yeah. 322 00:13:04,096 --> 00:13:05,880 Wow. I guess I didn't realize 323 00:13:05,881 --> 00:13:07,186 how obsessed you are with me. 324 00:13:07,230 --> 00:13:07,931 What? 325 00:13:08,666 --> 00:13:10,233 Well, it's almost sad. 326 00:13:10,276 --> 00:13:12,104 Poor Garrett, pining after a woman 327 00:13:12,148 --> 00:13:13,671 who barely knows he's alive. 328 00:13:13,714 --> 00:13:15,716 No, I think you are reading way too much into a drawing. 329 00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:16,855 I draw Garfield too. 330 00:13:16,856 --> 00:13:18,710 I don't want to have sex with Garfield. I'm not Jon. 331 00:13:20,721 --> 00:13:21,951 Stop! 332 00:13:23,724 --> 00:13:26,249 Emma is the spitting image of you by the way. 333 00:13:26,292 --> 00:13:29,404 Oh, I know. I'm trying not to cry. 334 00:13:30,427 --> 00:13:33,125 Yesterday she was this little girl in pigtails 335 00:13:33,169 --> 00:13:34,257 running around the house, 336 00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:37,173 and now she's this smart, confident, 337 00:13:37,216 --> 00:13:38,391 beautiful young woman. 338 00:13:38,435 --> 00:13:40,222 You must be so proud. 339 00:13:40,698 --> 00:13:41,677 I am. 340 00:13:42,482 --> 00:13:46,051 And pretty soon, you're gonna be at her graduation 341 00:13:46,095 --> 00:13:49,363 and then her wedding, then her funeral. 342 00:13:50,478 --> 00:13:51,566 What? 343 00:13:51,591 --> 00:13:54,451 I mean, you know, someday. Not now. 344 00:13:54,494 --> 00:13:55,983 She's not gonna live forever. 345 00:13:56,627 --> 00:13:58,031 Hopefully you'll die first. 346 00:13:58,755 --> 00:13:59,668 Okay. 347 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:02,693 I'm gonna go, um, 348 00:14:03,851 --> 00:14:06,581 mingle with some other... over there. 349 00:14:07,826 --> 00:14:09,091 She didn't mean it. 350 00:14:10,873 --> 00:14:13,078 - Oh. - Wow, she is a robot. 351 00:14:18,910 --> 00:14:20,607 Hey, have you tried these? 352 00:14:20,651 --> 00:14:23,697 These are called pastelitos de perro. 353 00:14:23,741 --> 00:14:26,396 It's a traditional Honduran food. 354 00:14:26,439 --> 00:14:28,180 Those are pizza rolls. 355 00:14:29,747 --> 00:14:31,575 The Honduran food is here. 356 00:14:31,618 --> 00:14:33,533 Oh, well, that's what I want. 357 00:14:33,577 --> 00:14:35,709 I'm not some boring gringo, you know. 358 00:14:35,753 --> 00:14:38,190 Well, give that spice. Show me the mole. 359 00:14:38,234 --> 00:14:39,787 Oh, that's it. 360 00:14:44,457 --> 00:14:49,767 ? Did you ever know that you're my hero? ? 361 00:14:49,810 --> 00:14:52,378 - You're Emma's hero, Amy. - You really are. 362 00:14:52,422 --> 00:14:56,861 ? Everything I would like to be ? 363 00:14:56,904 --> 00:15:00,212 - You're her role model. - She's your only daughter. 364 00:15:00,256 --> 00:15:05,138 ? I can fly higher than an eagle ? 365 00:15:05,139 --> 00:15:07,480 - Leaving the nest so soon. - Never coming back. 366 00:15:07,524 --> 00:15:12,529 ? You are the wind beneath Emma's ? 367 00:15:12,572 --> 00:15:20,861 ? Wings ? 368 00:15:21,538 --> 00:15:25,150 Thank you, guys. Very cool. Thank you. 369 00:15:28,188 --> 00:15:30,146 Do you have the dead grandma song from "Coco"? 370 00:15:30,199 --> 00:15:32,205 No, no, maybe we should get back to the dancing. 371 00:15:32,230 --> 00:15:33,346 I think you're gonna wanna hear this. 372 00:15:33,371 --> 00:15:35,080 You're gonna wanna hear this, definitely. 373 00:15:35,307 --> 00:15:37,423 Like at night, when you fantasize about me, 374 00:15:37,467 --> 00:15:40,383 do you think of a specific incident of us having sex, 375 00:15:40,426 --> 00:15:42,428 or is it more just picturing me there in the moment? 376 00:15:42,472 --> 00:15:44,558 - Please stop. - All right. 377 00:15:45,344 --> 00:15:47,408 If you're not obsessed with me, then I guess you won't care 378 00:15:47,433 --> 00:15:49,174 if I ask McLovin over there to dance. 379 00:15:49,218 --> 00:15:51,568 - Be my guest. - Okay, I will. 380 00:15:51,611 --> 00:15:53,483 Hey, acne... Let's dance. 381 00:15:53,526 --> 00:15:56,747 Me? Yeah. Sure. We did ballroom in gym one time. 382 00:15:57,807 --> 00:15:58,836 Oh, good. 383 00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:03,772 Hey. 384 00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:05,462 Hey. 385 00:16:06,378 --> 00:16:07,683 Everything all right? 386 00:16:08,846 --> 00:16:10,245 Yeah, I hear ya. 387 00:16:11,979 --> 00:16:14,547 Look, I'm sorry about all the... you know, the ice 388 00:16:14,591 --> 00:16:18,247 and the speech, the towel incident. 389 00:16:18,290 --> 00:16:20,510 I really didn't think that you were home. 390 00:16:22,599 --> 00:16:24,262 Here's the thing. I... 391 00:16:25,341 --> 00:16:28,779 I really like your Mom and I know she loves you 392 00:16:28,822 --> 00:16:31,927 and then I get all in my head about wanting you to like me. 393 00:16:31,952 --> 00:16:33,251 And then... 394 00:16:33,861 --> 00:16:35,296 I am so high. 395 00:16:36,047 --> 00:16:37,924 - What? - I'm freaking out. 396 00:16:38,658 --> 00:16:39,417 Oh. 397 00:16:55,898 --> 00:16:58,243 My cousin Marco brought a vape pen, 398 00:16:58,287 --> 00:17:00,289 and, at first, I didn't feel anything 399 00:17:00,332 --> 00:17:01,899 and so I did some more 400 00:17:01,942 --> 00:17:04,118 and then I wasn't even sure if there was anything in it 401 00:17:04,162 --> 00:17:05,278 because Marco is a liar 402 00:17:05,279 --> 00:17:07,992 and now I am very feeling something a lot. 403 00:17:08,035 --> 00:17:10,864 Okay, okay, it's... it's... it's gonna be okay. 404 00:17:10,908 --> 00:17:12,866 I feel like my heart's filling with blood. 405 00:17:12,910 --> 00:17:14,955 Then it's doing its job. 406 00:17:14,999 --> 00:17:16,218 Listen, you know what I'm gonna do? 407 00:17:16,261 --> 00:17:17,262 I'm gonna get your Mom... 408 00:17:17,306 --> 00:17:19,090 No, no, you can't tell my parents. 409 00:17:19,133 --> 00:17:21,745 Right. Right. Right. Okay. Okay. 410 00:17:21,788 --> 00:17:25,879 Well, then we're just gonna sit here and ride it out. 411 00:17:25,923 --> 00:17:29,231 Hey, can I sit with my little princess? 412 00:17:29,305 --> 00:17:30,820 Nah, we're good. 413 00:17:30,845 --> 00:17:32,086 I'd like to sit with my granddaughter... 414 00:17:32,111 --> 00:17:33,075 Connie, please! 415 00:17:39,371 --> 00:17:42,113 The kid says he thinks I'm hotter than Tia Carrere. 416 00:17:42,156 --> 00:17:44,071 - Well, no, I... - Yeah, yeah. 417 00:17:44,115 --> 00:17:45,638 He's super into me! 418 00:17:45,682 --> 00:17:47,041 Okay, cool. 419 00:17:49,207 --> 00:17:50,339 What is she doing? 420 00:17:50,382 --> 00:17:52,341 She's trying to seduce a 15-year-old kid 421 00:17:52,384 --> 00:17:53,899 in order to make me jealous. 422 00:17:54,775 --> 00:17:56,821 - Is it working? - Not really. 423 00:17:56,846 --> 00:17:58,956 This is a really nice party. 424 00:17:58,999 --> 00:18:00,289 You know, this whole tent 425 00:18:01,060 --> 00:18:02,570 and the DJ and the centerpieces... 426 00:18:02,571 --> 00:18:05,163 you went... I mean, you went for it. 427 00:18:05,164 --> 00:18:07,044 Yeah, yeah, I did, thank you. 428 00:18:07,069 --> 00:18:10,110 It was really nice to be able to this for her. 429 00:18:10,135 --> 00:18:10,884 Yeah. 430 00:18:11,234 --> 00:18:13,105 And when it's time for her wedding, 431 00:18:13,141 --> 00:18:16,398 I will... I will handle the lion's share. 432 00:18:16,399 --> 00:18:18,368 Yeah, yeah, don't sweat it. 433 00:18:18,369 --> 00:18:19,837 It's good. I got it covered. 434 00:18:19,838 --> 00:18:23,276 I actually just bought some stock in a drone company, 435 00:18:23,277 --> 00:18:25,116 so it's gonna even out pretty quick. 436 00:18:25,882 --> 00:18:28,164 Sounds promising. 437 00:18:28,351 --> 00:18:30,245 Those things are gonna be everywhere, 438 00:18:31,030 --> 00:18:31,956 flying. 439 00:18:34,281 --> 00:18:36,429 This is my first quinceañera! 440 00:18:36,664 --> 00:18:39,344 I love your Latinx traditions. 441 00:18:40,330 --> 00:18:41,945 Huh? How am I doing? 442 00:18:41,970 --> 00:18:42,727 All right, 443 00:18:42,728 --> 00:18:44,660 I'd like to ask everybody to please clear the floor. 444 00:18:44,703 --> 00:18:46,357 It's now time for the father-daughter dance. 445 00:18:46,401 --> 00:18:48,272 Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. 446 00:18:48,316 --> 00:18:49,447 No, no, no. No, no, no, no. 447 00:18:49,491 --> 00:18:51,506 - It's gonna be fine. - He's gonna know. 448 00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:53,756 He's gonna know. No, he's not gonna know. 449 00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:54,854 You can do this. 450 00:18:56,149 --> 00:18:57,368 Okay. Okay. 451 00:18:57,412 --> 00:18:58,466 Gonna be great. 452 00:19:07,929 --> 00:19:10,903 Okay, maybe just try to walk normal. 453 00:19:10,947 --> 00:19:12,234 Is this not normal? 454 00:19:12,259 --> 00:19:14,342 No, no, no, no, no, no, this is... this is great. 455 00:19:14,385 --> 00:19:16,779 This is how people walk. You got it. 456 00:19:18,992 --> 00:19:21,174 - She looks nervous. - It's fine. 457 00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:25,744 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 458 00:19:25,788 --> 00:19:27,147 You know what? Sorry. 459 00:19:27,148 --> 00:19:29,835 Uh, I think, actually, we're gonna try and squeeze one in, 460 00:19:29,879 --> 00:19:31,750 uh, before the father-daughter. 461 00:19:31,794 --> 00:19:32,882 What? 462 00:19:32,925 --> 00:19:34,879 And this is the song we practiced to. 463 00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:37,800 Yeah, uh, well, we can play it again for you. 464 00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:40,672 You know, I'm sure the DJ has a repeat button on the thing. 465 00:19:40,716 --> 00:19:42,108 - What? - Jonah. 466 00:19:42,152 --> 00:19:44,285 - Hmm? - You need to sit down. 467 00:19:44,328 --> 00:19:47,766 No, no, not until this song is over, at least, 468 00:19:47,810 --> 00:19:51,335 and maybe... maybe just a few more after that, you know? 469 00:19:51,379 --> 00:19:53,816 You're makin' it weird, dog. Just let her go. 470 00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:55,208 Let her go! 471 00:19:55,252 --> 00:19:57,298 Not... not gonna happen, Connie. 472 00:19:59,822 --> 00:20:02,259 So this has one terabyte on it. 473 00:20:02,303 --> 00:20:04,348 If you could just put all the raw footage on there. 474 00:20:04,392 --> 00:20:06,307 You don't have to edit it. I'll take care of that. 475 00:20:08,396 --> 00:20:09,616 This is fun. 476 00:20:12,568 --> 00:20:14,887 _ 477 00:20:16,953 --> 00:20:20,732 I know. I'm sorry. I ruined the quinceañera. 478 00:20:20,757 --> 00:20:22,793 I made it weird. I-I-I don't know why I... 479 00:20:22,818 --> 00:20:23,641 She was high. 480 00:20:25,064 --> 00:20:26,072 She told me. 481 00:20:26,805 --> 00:20:27,490 Ah. 482 00:20:27,937 --> 00:20:30,151 That was a very nice thing you did. 483 00:20:31,419 --> 00:20:33,534 But, uh, for future reference, 484 00:20:33,559 --> 00:20:36,380 the next time my child is on drugs, tell me. 485 00:20:36,424 --> 00:20:37,360 Got it. 486 00:20:38,077 --> 00:20:40,515 I did see Parker snorting cocaine 487 00:20:40,558 --> 00:20:42,517 off his "Paw Patrol" table last week. 488 00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:43,996 Oh, yeah, no, I knew about that one. 489 00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:47,304 Hey, Amy, you've gotta see this video of a deaf kid 490 00:20:47,348 --> 00:20:49,262 hearing his mother's voice for the first time. 491 00:20:49,306 --> 00:20:51,047 Um, I'm okay, thank you. 492 00:20:51,090 --> 00:20:53,049 It's really moving, though. 493 00:20:53,092 --> 00:20:54,660 Just not... not right now. 494 00:20:56,922 --> 00:20:58,315 Ow! 495 00:21:00,121 --> 00:21:01,581 Ow! What the hell, Cheyenne? 496 00:21:02,106 --> 00:21:03,973 Um, uh, I'm sorry. 497 00:21:04,016 --> 00:21:06,149 I was just trying something. It didn't work, okay. 498 00:21:06,192 --> 00:21:07,933 Sorry, night, okay. 499 00:21:11,284 --> 00:21:13,286 You really should've kick her back. 500 00:21:13,311 --> 00:21:19,280 Synced and corrected by hawken45 for www.addic7ed.com