1 00:00:02,361 --> 00:00:04,327 Mnh! How can my babies be early?! 2 00:00:04,429 --> 00:00:06,496 I've never been early to anything! 3 00:00:06,598 --> 00:00:07,964 Maybe they're not mine! 4 00:00:08,033 --> 00:00:09,699 I've always been faithful to you! 5 00:00:11,381 --> 00:00:12,802 Push, damn it! 6 00:00:12,871 --> 00:00:14,270 I'm not losing another baby today. 7 00:00:15,788 --> 00:00:17,607 Cardiac arrest. Crash cart! 8 00:00:17,676 --> 00:00:18,775 The shock could kill the baby! 9 00:00:20,112 --> 00:00:21,544 That's something I'll just have to live with. 10 00:00:21,580 --> 00:00:24,581 - Maybe we could turn off the TV? - Clear! 11 00:00:24,583 --> 00:00:27,283 Well, folks, I'm afraid I have some bad news. 12 00:00:27,386 --> 00:00:29,786 - Oh, my God, no. - N-No, not that bad. 13 00:00:29,888 --> 00:00:31,287 I'm sorry. I did not think that through. 14 00:00:31,390 --> 00:00:33,223 No, you're not giving birth today. 15 00:00:33,291 --> 00:00:36,292 You've had false contractions, known as Braxton Hicks. It's very common. 16 00:00:36,395 --> 00:00:38,128 Uh, so what does that mean timing-wise? 17 00:00:38,230 --> 00:00:40,530 It's no indication. It could be five weeks from now, 18 00:00:40,632 --> 00:00:42,432 could be five hours from now. 19 00:00:42,534 --> 00:00:44,067 I suggest you and your husband go home, 20 00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:45,602 get some sleep while you still can. 21 00:00:45,671 --> 00:00:47,904 Oh, we're not married. We're just lovers. 22 00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:49,139 Ugh! Yuck. 23 00:00:49,241 --> 00:00:50,507 She hates that word. 24 00:00:50,609 --> 00:00:51,808 Grosses me out, too, 25 00:00:51,910 --> 00:00:53,910 and I spend a lot of my time covered in afterbirth. 26 00:00:57,649 --> 00:00:59,315 Everything okay? 27 00:00:59,418 --> 00:01:01,284 Um... that was weird. 28 00:01:01,386 --> 00:01:04,019 Those little people with the full-size baby? 29 00:01:04,118 --> 00:01:06,523 No, when the doctor called you my husband. 30 00:01:07,194 --> 00:01:08,692 Well, people are gonna assume... 31 00:01:08,794 --> 00:01:11,661 No, it... it was weird because I... 32 00:01:11,763 --> 00:01:12,929 liked it. 33 00:01:12,998 --> 00:01:15,265 Seriously? Because I proposed, like, six times. 34 00:01:15,367 --> 00:01:16,399 I know. I just... 35 00:01:16,468 --> 00:01:18,234 It seemed so old-fashioned at the time, 36 00:01:18,336 --> 00:01:21,071 but when I thought that the babies were coming, 37 00:01:21,173 --> 00:01:22,906 I-I... 38 00:01:22,974 --> 00:01:24,541 Are you saying what I think you're saying? 39 00:01:28,747 --> 00:01:30,146 I'm gonna need a little help here. 40 00:01:30,248 --> 00:01:31,281 Okay. 41 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:33,078 Okay, we're good. 42 00:01:34,319 --> 00:01:37,153 Dylan Stardust Marshall, will you... 43 00:01:37,255 --> 00:01:39,289 Oh! Going over. Okay. Okay. 44 00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:40,757 I'm fine. I'm fine. It's okay. 45 00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:42,992 Will you marry me? 46 00:01:43,523 --> 00:01:46,629 Oh, my God. This is exactly how I imagined it. 47 00:01:59,995 --> 00:02:01,070 I can't get in! 48 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,622 Damn it, Cam! We need those tickets! 49 00:02:02,648 --> 00:02:04,013 - Come on, refresh. - I am! 50 00:02:04,116 --> 00:02:05,949 - Refresh like your life depends on it! - I am! 51 00:02:06,051 --> 00:02:07,717 Tonight is the L.A. premiere 52 00:02:07,786 --> 00:02:10,220 of "Sophie's Choice: The Musical." 53 00:02:10,322 --> 00:02:11,821 And it sold out in seconds, 54 00:02:11,923 --> 00:02:14,424 but the theater reserved a few amazing house seats 55 00:02:14,526 --> 00:02:15,592 for an online lottery. 56 00:02:15,694 --> 00:02:16,793 And there's a rumor 57 00:02:16,895 --> 00:02:18,995 Meryl Streep is going to be in the audience. 58 00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:21,631 - Oh, my God. - You have to feel for that poor actress playing Sophie. 59 00:02:21,733 --> 00:02:24,334 It'd be like me sewing costumes in front of Bob Mackie. 60 00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:27,904 And the award for the gayest thing ever said goes to... 61 00:02:27,906 --> 00:02:29,005 - I'm in! - You are?! 62 00:02:29,007 --> 00:02:31,007 - We have seats! - Oh, my God! Oh, oh! 63 00:02:31,109 --> 00:02:32,242 - Focus, focus. - Okay, all right. 64 00:02:32,344 --> 00:02:33,877 Okay, it's one of those ticking clock things. 65 00:02:33,979 --> 00:02:36,279 That's fine. We just need my... credit card. 66 00:02:36,381 --> 00:02:37,547 Where's my wallet? Where... Where's my wall... 67 00:02:37,649 --> 00:02:39,249 - Where's my wallet?! - Seriously? Again? 68 00:02:39,351 --> 00:02:40,850 Cam, you have to leave it in one place! 69 00:02:40,952 --> 00:02:41,985 I told you a thousand times! 70 00:02:42,087 --> 00:02:43,186 Really? Now? 71 00:02:43,188 --> 00:02:44,454 Okay, just use your credit card. 72 00:02:45,557 --> 00:02:46,656 That's weird. 73 00:02:46,658 --> 00:02:48,625 Okay. I'm gonna be sick. I'm gonna be sick! 74 00:02:48,727 --> 00:02:50,927 - Here... use mine. - Oh! Thank you, sweetie. 75 00:02:51,029 --> 00:02:52,362 - Okay. - Okay. All right. 76 00:02:54,671 --> 00:02:56,533 - Is this a sign? - Yes! We are meant to see the show! 77 00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:58,001 No, it's one of those CAPTCHA things. 78 00:02:58,103 --> 00:02:59,202 Is that a road sign?! 79 00:02:59,204 --> 00:03:00,336 - Yes! - I don't know. 80 00:03:00,438 --> 00:03:01,504 Yes. 81 00:03:01,923 --> 00:03:04,040 Oh! Ohh! Aah! Oh, my God! 82 00:03:04,142 --> 00:03:06,342 Oh, thank you, sweetie. You saved us. 83 00:03:06,411 --> 00:03:08,711 - It's fine. I needed the miles. - Thank you. 84 00:03:09,737 --> 00:03:10,480 Where's she off to? 85 00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:11,915 - I'm sure it's fine. - Okay. 86 00:03:14,019 --> 00:03:15,618 How about this one? 87 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:16,986 You look gorgeous. 88 00:03:17,088 --> 00:03:18,221 Now, remember... 89 00:03:18,290 --> 00:03:19,489 Okay, this is not my first time 90 00:03:19,591 --> 00:03:21,224 impressing your business associates. 91 00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:22,425 I know the drill. 92 00:03:22,427 --> 00:03:24,727 Laugh at their jokes, touch their arms... 93 00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:25,862 Yeah, and if he pees on the floor, 94 00:03:25,964 --> 00:03:27,063 don't make a big deal out of it. 95 00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:28,498 What is happening? 96 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:29,933 I quit the closet game 97 00:03:30,035 --> 00:03:33,536 to become the king of high-end, whimsical dog beds. 98 00:03:33,605 --> 00:03:35,805 And to market them today, I'm hosting 99 00:03:35,907 --> 00:03:38,641 social-media influencer Arthur Goodboy. 100 00:03:38,743 --> 00:03:39,843 This little stud 101 00:03:39,945 --> 00:03:43,012 has over 5 million followers on the Instagram. 102 00:03:43,114 --> 00:03:46,216 One photo of him with a product can be a game-changer. 103 00:03:46,318 --> 00:03:49,319 You made me change three times for a dog? 104 00:03:49,387 --> 00:03:50,854 He cannot even see this color! 105 00:03:50,956 --> 00:03:52,088 They can sense the effort! 106 00:03:55,994 --> 00:03:58,261 Welcome! Welcome. I'm Jay Pritchett. 107 00:03:58,363 --> 00:04:00,430 - Hello. - This is my wife, Gloria. 108 00:04:01,196 --> 00:04:02,999 Hello. Orson Funt. 109 00:04:03,101 --> 00:04:04,934 I'm sure everyone knows Arthur Goodboy. 110 00:04:05,003 --> 00:04:08,037 Who doesn't? And I must admit, I'm a little starstruck. 111 00:04:08,260 --> 00:04:09,305 Don't be. 112 00:04:09,307 --> 00:04:10,840 He puts on his sweaters one leg at a time. 113 00:04:12,944 --> 00:04:15,044 And this is Stella of Dog Beds by Stella, 114 00:04:15,146 --> 00:04:16,980 but I do most of the design. 115 00:04:18,183 --> 00:04:21,017 Well. She is beautiful for a non-pro. May I? 116 00:04:21,119 --> 00:04:22,385 - Here you go. - Yes. 117 00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:23,486 - May I? - Oh, yeah. 118 00:04:23,488 --> 00:04:24,988 Thank you. Oh, yes. 119 00:04:25,090 --> 00:04:26,856 Present! Present. 120 00:04:26,925 --> 00:04:29,492 Who's a lovely lady? Who's a lovely lady? 121 00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:31,527 Who's an elegant boy? Who's an influencer? 122 00:04:31,630 --> 00:04:33,162 Ooh, you are! You are! 123 00:04:33,231 --> 00:04:35,098 Who's an influencer? You are! 124 00:04:36,519 --> 00:04:37,710 You want to see the dog beds? 125 00:04:37,910 --> 00:04:39,035 - Yes. - Follow me. 126 00:04:40,138 --> 00:04:41,337 He's a good father. 127 00:04:41,439 --> 00:04:42,772 He's a good father. 128 00:04:48,745 --> 00:04:50,313 Sir... 129 00:04:50,382 --> 00:04:52,034 a dog in a pineapple? 130 00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:55,694 - Love! - I call that one "Puppy Colada." 131 00:04:55,894 --> 00:04:57,053 - Stop! - Yes, stop. 132 00:04:58,089 --> 00:05:00,123 So, what do you say? Are we in business? 133 00:05:00,225 --> 00:05:02,392 Oh! Oh, down boy. 134 00:05:02,460 --> 00:05:04,027 I like to make sure that Arthur Goodboy 135 00:05:04,095 --> 00:05:06,529 really loves the product before we do any endorsements. 136 00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:07,764 If we said yes to everything, 137 00:05:07,832 --> 00:05:09,432 then we're no better than that whore Grumpy Cat. 138 00:05:09,501 --> 00:05:11,067 Here, try this one. 139 00:05:11,169 --> 00:05:13,136 Okay, Mr. Arthur Goodboy. 140 00:05:13,204 --> 00:05:15,204 Why don't you just trot yourself right in there 141 00:05:15,307 --> 00:05:16,372 and take a load off? 142 00:05:17,797 --> 00:05:21,077 Hm. You know, he just woke up from a nap, so... 143 00:05:21,146 --> 00:05:23,713 he will probably tucker out in a couple of hours. 144 00:05:23,782 --> 00:05:25,848 It's cool, 'cause I have nowhere I need to be. 145 00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:27,116 You don't say. 146 00:05:27,185 --> 00:05:28,217 Oh, it's spacious. 147 00:05:31,135 --> 00:05:32,555 - Haley? - Over here! 148 00:05:33,692 --> 00:05:35,658 - Mom's not with you, right? - No. 149 00:05:35,727 --> 00:05:36,626 What's going on? 150 00:05:36,695 --> 00:05:38,962 What could you have possibly done that's worse than getting pregnant? 151 00:05:39,030 --> 00:05:40,763 Well, Dylan and I are eloping, 152 00:05:40,832 --> 00:05:42,532 and we want you to be the witness. 153 00:05:43,345 --> 00:05:44,634 Oh, my God! Yes! 154 00:05:44,736 --> 00:05:47,370 Oh, I can't even tell you how special this makes me feel. 155 00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,038 I will not tell anyone. I... 156 00:05:49,107 --> 00:05:51,007 Wait. Why eloping? Why not a wedding? 157 00:05:51,183 --> 00:05:53,843 - We just want it to be simple and quick. - And no drama. 158 00:05:53,912 --> 00:05:55,511 - Guess that eliminates Mom. - Yeah. 159 00:05:55,580 --> 00:05:56,913 What eliminates Mom? 160 00:05:56,982 --> 00:05:58,414 Oh, um... 161 00:05:58,516 --> 00:06:00,750 You know, uh... You know, it... it's so funny when... 162 00:06:00,852 --> 00:06:02,919 when people do such, um, funny... 163 00:06:02,988 --> 00:06:05,021 You know, the story is so short, 164 00:06:05,090 --> 00:06:06,322 - but it... it... it would be so long... - Enough, enough. 165 00:06:06,391 --> 00:06:07,623 I cannot watch this. 166 00:06:07,692 --> 00:06:09,759 Aw. I felt like she was building to something. 167 00:06:09,794 --> 00:06:13,830 Dylan and I are going to the courthouse to get married. 168 00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:17,667 - Wow. - It's nothing personal, you know? 169 00:06:17,769 --> 00:06:19,969 It's just... right now, the last thing we want 170 00:06:20,071 --> 00:06:22,005 is it to turn into a big production. 171 00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:24,874 Well, honey, if that's what you want, 172 00:06:24,976 --> 00:06:27,844 as your mother, obviously, it's incredibly painful, 173 00:06:27,946 --> 00:06:30,079 but that... that's none of your concern. 174 00:06:30,181 --> 00:06:32,749 I just hope you have a wedding that's every bit 175 00:06:32,851 --> 00:06:35,885 as wonderful and beautiful as I always imagined. 176 00:06:35,987 --> 00:06:38,688 You know... when I was gonna be part of it. 177 00:06:40,225 --> 00:06:41,257 I knew she'd be cool. 178 00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:42,391 - Yeah! - Let's roll. 179 00:06:43,050 --> 00:06:44,160 Mom seemed pretty bummed about it, 180 00:06:44,262 --> 00:06:45,528 but, you know, this is what we want. 181 00:06:45,597 --> 00:06:46,629 Totally! 182 00:06:47,599 --> 00:06:48,765 Damn it! 183 00:06:50,568 --> 00:06:53,669 How could you do this to your mother? 184 00:06:55,235 --> 00:06:57,055 Ugh. What's taking them so long? 185 00:06:57,058 --> 00:06:59,658 I know. It's, like, this wedding isn't about them. 186 00:06:59,726 --> 00:07:01,192 It's about you and Dylan and me! 187 00:07:01,294 --> 00:07:02,327 Coming! 188 00:07:02,329 --> 00:07:03,401 So sorry. 189 00:07:03,664 --> 00:07:04,829 And don't worry, Haley. 190 00:07:04,898 --> 00:07:08,700 I promise you will hardly know we are there at all. 191 00:07:08,735 --> 00:07:10,001 What? You're dressed nicer than me. 192 00:07:10,070 --> 00:07:11,636 Well, I wasn't gonna say anything, but are you sure 193 00:07:11,705 --> 00:07:13,238 that's the outfit you want for your special day? 194 00:07:13,306 --> 00:07:15,740 It's Haley's wedding. She can dress as bad as she wants. 195 00:07:15,842 --> 00:07:17,776 - Right. - Who died? 196 00:07:17,878 --> 00:07:19,377 Haley and Dylan are getting married. 197 00:07:19,479 --> 00:07:20,612 Dressed like that? 198 00:07:20,647 --> 00:07:22,080 Now I have to invite Luke? 199 00:07:22,149 --> 00:07:23,381 Not if you don't want to. 200 00:07:23,483 --> 00:07:24,616 This feels great. 201 00:07:24,685 --> 00:07:27,252 Okay, that is it. Luke, but no one else. 202 00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:29,421 Hey, so, my mom found out your parents are coming, 203 00:07:29,489 --> 00:07:31,322 'cause I told her, and now she's on her way. 204 00:07:31,425 --> 00:07:32,757 And Grandpa's coming. 205 00:07:32,826 --> 00:07:34,092 You guys are gonna love him. 206 00:07:34,161 --> 00:07:36,076 Oh, but if he asks you to kill him, don't. 207 00:07:36,111 --> 00:07:37,662 - Ugh! - I know what you're thinking. 208 00:07:37,731 --> 00:07:38,963 That is a lot of people 209 00:07:39,066 --> 00:07:41,232 for a small, impersonal room at the courthouse, 210 00:07:41,334 --> 00:07:43,968 and we are on the same page. 211 00:07:44,037 --> 00:07:46,004 So... why don't we just do it here? 212 00:07:46,073 --> 00:07:48,707 I'm ordained. I can perform the ceremony. 213 00:07:48,775 --> 00:07:50,341 That is such a great idea! 214 00:07:50,444 --> 00:07:52,277 That way, it's easy and intimate. 215 00:07:52,345 --> 00:07:53,611 I mean, that's what you wanted, right? 216 00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:55,413 So, go down to the courthouse, 217 00:07:55,482 --> 00:07:57,615 get your marriage license, come back here, 218 00:07:57,684 --> 00:07:59,384 and we'll all be waiting. 219 00:07:59,486 --> 00:08:01,119 Fine. But let's go now. 220 00:08:01,188 --> 00:08:02,721 I'm starving, and they make a great soft pretzel 221 00:08:02,823 --> 00:08:03,922 at the courthouse snack shop. 222 00:08:03,924 --> 00:08:04,989 How do you know that? 223 00:08:05,092 --> 00:08:06,458 I can still elope. 224 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:07,625 Don't you ruin this for me. 225 00:08:07,627 --> 00:08:09,527 It's fine. It's fine. 226 00:08:11,231 --> 00:08:12,281 Wait. 227 00:08:12,365 --> 00:08:13,765 If Dylan's bringing his grandfather, 228 00:08:13,834 --> 00:08:15,734 that means we have to invite Dad and Gloria, right? 229 00:08:15,802 --> 00:08:17,035 I think so, yeah. 230 00:08:17,104 --> 00:08:18,803 But he probably won't show. Jay hates last-minute plans. 231 00:08:18,839 --> 00:08:20,839 He'll be like, "Oh, geez, why don't they just elope?" 232 00:08:20,941 --> 00:08:22,874 - Hm. - Grandpa? 233 00:08:25,145 --> 00:08:27,212 Who's a goody-woody boy? 234 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:29,047 Who's a sleepy boy? 235 00:08:29,149 --> 00:08:30,482 I never thought I'd say this, 236 00:08:30,584 --> 00:08:33,051 but I miss Jay's toxic masculinity. 237 00:08:33,153 --> 00:08:34,919 At least he's not your real father. 238 00:08:36,056 --> 00:08:38,223 - I'll get it! I got it! - I'll get it! 239 00:08:39,292 --> 00:08:40,558 - Hello? - Hey, Gloria. 240 00:08:40,627 --> 00:08:43,628 Haley and Dylan decided to get married this afternoon, 241 00:08:43,697 --> 00:08:45,830 and I know Dad's got that dog-bed thing, 242 00:08:45,899 --> 00:08:47,999 so absolutely no pressure. 243 00:08:48,068 --> 00:08:50,235 Yes. We will be there as soon as we can. 244 00:08:50,821 --> 00:08:53,004 Jay, I am so sorry to break up 245 00:08:53,073 --> 00:08:55,573 this really fun and super normal party, 246 00:08:55,642 --> 00:08:58,877 but Dylan and Haley decided to get married right now, 247 00:08:58,945 --> 00:09:00,745 and Claire wants us there. 248 00:09:00,847 --> 00:09:02,514 Oh, geez, why don't they just elope? 249 00:09:02,582 --> 00:09:05,884 Actually, Arthur Goodboy loves weddings, 250 00:09:05,952 --> 00:09:08,186 and his followers have been dying to see him in his new tux. 251 00:09:08,255 --> 00:09:10,421 I-I can bring a bed in case he gets tired. 252 00:09:10,524 --> 00:09:11,601 Ooh! 253 00:09:12,893 --> 00:09:15,093 Ooh, look. Somebody's got a crush. 254 00:09:15,162 --> 00:09:17,162 Would Miss Stella do us the honor 255 00:09:17,230 --> 00:09:19,230 of escorting Arthur Goodboy to the wedding?! 256 00:09:19,332 --> 00:09:22,033 Gosh, yes! A thousand times yes! 257 00:09:25,572 --> 00:09:27,806 Well. You're not gonna believe this. They're coming. 258 00:09:27,908 --> 00:09:29,040 Well, if they're coming, does that mean 259 00:09:29,142 --> 00:09:30,241 we need to invite Mitch and Cam? 260 00:09:30,310 --> 00:09:32,510 Ooh. Imagine the drama if we didn't. 261 00:09:32,612 --> 00:09:33,845 ? Who should I choose? ? 262 00:09:33,947 --> 00:09:35,513 ? Either way, I lose ? 263 00:09:35,615 --> 00:09:36,815 ? I stare at the gun ? 264 00:09:36,917 --> 00:09:38,683 ? Is it daughter, is it son? ? 265 00:09:38,785 --> 00:09:39,818 ? Choices ? 266 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:41,052 - ? Impossible choices ? - ? Choices ? 267 00:09:41,087 --> 00:09:42,453 - ? Impossible choices ? - ? Impossible ? 268 00:09:42,556 --> 00:09:43,822 ? Choices ? 269 00:09:43,890 --> 00:09:45,909 This is why I can't have friends over. 270 00:09:46,109 --> 00:09:47,258 - Okay. - Somebody just snarked her way 271 00:09:47,327 --> 00:09:49,394 - out of a "Sophie's Choice" hoodie! - That's right. 272 00:09:51,078 --> 00:09:52,230 Hey, Claire. What's up? 273 00:09:52,299 --> 00:09:54,732 So, Haley and Dylan decided to get married, 274 00:09:54,835 --> 00:09:56,401 and they'd be devastated if you weren't there. 275 00:09:56,469 --> 00:09:58,336 Oh, of course! We wouldn't miss it for the world! 276 00:09:58,405 --> 00:10:00,805 - Just tell us when. - In about an hour. 277 00:10:00,907 --> 00:10:02,640 Oh, my... Um... Hey, uh, let... 278 00:10:02,709 --> 00:10:04,203 let me call you right back, okay? 279 00:10:04,511 --> 00:10:05,610 Are you kidding me?! 280 00:10:05,645 --> 00:10:07,345 I know! What do we do... a musical or the wedding? 281 00:10:07,447 --> 00:10:10,181 It's the cruelest decision anyone's ever been forced to make. 282 00:10:12,786 --> 00:10:14,752 Hello? We are here! 283 00:10:14,855 --> 00:10:16,020 Hi. 284 00:10:16,089 --> 00:10:17,222 Hi! Wow! 285 00:10:17,290 --> 00:10:18,623 What is all this? 286 00:10:18,725 --> 00:10:19,757 Hey, Claire. 287 00:10:19,860 --> 00:10:21,025 This is Orson 288 00:10:21,094 --> 00:10:23,261 and, of course, Arthur Goodboy. 289 00:10:23,330 --> 00:10:25,063 Thanks for having us. We love love. 290 00:10:25,065 --> 00:10:26,097 Mm-hmm. 291 00:10:26,166 --> 00:10:27,599 Dad, can you come over here a second? 292 00:10:27,701 --> 00:10:29,033 Um... Hey, Stella. 293 00:10:29,102 --> 00:10:30,969 So, listen, I don't think Haley 294 00:10:31,071 --> 00:10:33,605 wants to come back to a house full of strangers and dogs. 295 00:10:33,707 --> 00:10:34,772 Claire, I've got to have this, 296 00:10:34,875 --> 00:10:36,341 and she's never gonna know they're even here. 297 00:10:38,411 --> 00:10:39,777 Okay, that's bad timing. 298 00:10:39,846 --> 00:10:41,279 Okay, okay, let's... let's go, let's go, let's go. 299 00:10:41,348 --> 00:10:42,447 - Let's go. - Let's get it going. 300 00:10:42,449 --> 00:10:44,449 What's your hurry? I thought you... 301 00:10:44,517 --> 00:10:45,617 guys love weddings. 302 00:10:45,685 --> 00:10:47,418 You were gonna say "you people," weren't you? 303 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:49,520 - Prove it. - We have theater tickets, 304 00:10:49,623 --> 00:10:50,755 and if we get this wedding started, 305 00:10:50,857 --> 00:10:52,190 we can still make curtain for "Sophie's Choice." 306 00:10:52,646 --> 00:10:54,092 I would murder my entire family 307 00:10:54,194 --> 00:10:55,660 and all of their friends to see that musical. 308 00:10:55,762 --> 00:10:57,061 This guy gets it. 309 00:10:57,163 --> 00:10:59,430 Hey-oh! Look who's here! 310 00:10:59,532 --> 00:11:01,833 Don't worry. I'm wearing pants. 311 00:11:01,902 --> 00:11:03,434 As far as you know. 312 00:11:03,470 --> 00:11:05,103 Oh, well, hello, Frank. 313 00:11:05,205 --> 00:11:07,472 And thank you for... sort of making it. 314 00:11:07,540 --> 00:11:09,707 - Really? - Well, you invited your dad. 315 00:11:09,776 --> 00:11:11,409 - What was I supposed to do? - I don't know. 316 00:11:11,478 --> 00:11:13,244 Hey! Is that Arthur Goodboy? 317 00:11:13,346 --> 00:11:14,445 Big fan! 318 00:11:14,514 --> 00:11:16,214 Been waiting to see him in his tux. 319 00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:17,548 - Hi Fred. - Farrah. 320 00:11:17,651 --> 00:11:19,517 - Phil. - It is so delightful to see... 321 00:11:19,552 --> 00:11:20,785 Mm. Okay. 322 00:11:22,355 --> 00:11:23,955 Oh. Gosh. 323 00:11:24,024 --> 00:11:25,523 Can you believe our babies are getting married? 324 00:11:25,625 --> 00:11:29,027 I can. I saw it in a vision at a campfire in Peru. 325 00:11:29,250 --> 00:11:30,695 This is my father, Bert. 326 00:11:30,764 --> 00:11:32,030 Oh, it's such an honor to... 327 00:11:32,098 --> 00:11:33,765 - Vodka! - Oh. 328 00:11:35,435 --> 00:11:36,534 What a lovely dress. 329 00:11:36,603 --> 00:11:38,303 It's actually a shamanic wedding robe 330 00:11:38,405 --> 00:11:39,470 from South America. 331 00:11:39,539 --> 00:11:41,839 I wear it at every ceremony I officiate. 332 00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:43,207 Ohhh. This is awkward. 333 00:11:43,310 --> 00:11:44,408 Um... 334 00:11:44,858 --> 00:11:46,077 I'm doing the ceremony. 335 00:11:46,179 --> 00:11:49,113 But this is something I've dreamed about all of my lives. 336 00:11:49,215 --> 00:11:50,982 Mom, what the hell is going on? 337 00:11:51,084 --> 00:11:52,317 Hey! 338 00:11:54,354 --> 00:11:55,954 Oh, honey, honey, it's not as bad as it looks. 339 00:11:56,056 --> 00:11:58,389 See, it's still small and simple and... 340 00:11:59,793 --> 00:12:00,892 Not helping. 341 00:12:00,894 --> 00:12:03,294 What? We were gonna play her down the aisle. 342 00:12:03,363 --> 00:12:05,697 Yeah. Bad luck to get married without bagpipes. 343 00:12:05,799 --> 00:12:08,066 My mom's first wedding... no bagpipes. 344 00:12:08,168 --> 00:12:10,868 My mom's second wedding... bagpipes. 345 00:12:10,937 --> 00:12:13,271 Six months later, she's still married. 346 00:12:13,373 --> 00:12:14,839 I mean, that's just science. 347 00:12:15,041 --> 00:12:16,140 Now what? 348 00:12:16,242 --> 00:12:17,809 Oh, well, we needed food, so... 349 00:12:17,911 --> 00:12:19,310 Hola, lovebirds. 350 00:12:19,412 --> 00:12:20,745 Oh, this is a disaster. 351 00:12:20,847 --> 00:12:23,982 I know, but we can't pick our childhood homes. 352 00:12:24,084 --> 00:12:25,750 Don't worry. I can fix everything. 353 00:12:25,852 --> 00:12:27,585 Just take your time changing your clothes. 354 00:12:27,587 --> 00:12:28,686 Oh, this is what I'm wearing. 355 00:12:29,016 --> 00:12:30,288 You're hilarious. 356 00:12:31,291 --> 00:12:34,292 Let me see the happy couple. 357 00:12:34,394 --> 00:12:36,160 Congratulations, Haley. 358 00:12:36,262 --> 00:12:38,363 Congratulations, Andy. 359 00:12:43,844 --> 00:12:45,736 Excuse me. Pardon me. Coming through. 360 00:12:45,805 --> 00:12:48,505 - Sorry. - Honey, I know you're a little annoyed. 361 00:12:48,541 --> 00:12:50,074 Oh, I'm so sorry I gave you that impression. 362 00:12:50,142 --> 00:12:51,375 I'm a lot annoyed. 363 00:12:51,477 --> 00:12:52,710 But it's better. 364 00:12:52,745 --> 00:12:55,846 This way, you'll be surrounded by people who love you. 365 00:12:55,948 --> 00:12:56,980 That's her. 366 00:12:57,049 --> 00:13:01,085 - Congratulations! I am so happy for you. - Luke? 367 00:13:01,187 --> 00:13:03,120 - Uh, this is Annabelle. - We just met on Tinder. 368 00:13:03,189 --> 00:13:04,588 But we haven't done anything yet. 369 00:13:05,173 --> 00:13:07,558 Guess what, babies. You're gonna taste some wine today! 370 00:13:07,626 --> 00:13:08,692 Hey, hey, hey. 371 00:13:08,761 --> 00:13:09,860 So, if we're gonna get this thing started, 372 00:13:09,929 --> 00:13:11,128 maybe you should go up and change, huh? 373 00:13:11,197 --> 00:13:12,296 Oh, for the last time, this is what I'm... 374 00:13:12,365 --> 00:13:13,564 Screw it. I'm changing. 375 00:13:13,632 --> 00:13:14,898 - No, don't... I'm... - No, don't change, if that's... 376 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,834 - Damn it! What... - Sorry. I'm sorry. 377 00:13:16,936 --> 00:13:18,235 Gloria, Gloria. 378 00:13:18,304 --> 00:13:19,370 Do me a favor. 379 00:13:19,438 --> 00:13:21,271 Put some salami in my TV. 380 00:13:21,340 --> 00:13:23,374 Whatever that is a code for, the answer is no. 381 00:13:23,442 --> 00:13:24,875 Okay, fine. I'll do it myself. 382 00:13:24,910 --> 00:13:27,311 Keep Orson occupied for about a minute. 383 00:13:27,346 --> 00:13:28,479 Arthur Goodboy, come. 384 00:13:28,647 --> 00:13:30,314 Arthur Goodboy, come. 385 00:13:30,416 --> 00:13:31,849 Mr. Orson. 386 00:13:31,917 --> 00:13:36,286 Um, I need to know... is your whole life your dog? 387 00:13:36,355 --> 00:13:38,956 Oh, no. I also dabble in stand-up comedy. 388 00:13:38,991 --> 00:13:41,458 In fact, I used to try out all of my material on Arthur Goodboy 389 00:13:41,527 --> 00:13:43,527 until I got in trouble with PETA for animal testing. 390 00:13:45,398 --> 00:13:47,498 - Ay! - Speaking of, where is Arthur? 391 00:13:47,566 --> 00:13:49,833 - I'm sure he's fine. - Arthur? Arthur? 392 00:13:49,902 --> 00:13:53,070 He's in the family room, wolfing down some cold cuts. 393 00:13:53,172 --> 00:13:54,838 No, no, no. He can't digest that. 394 00:13:54,874 --> 00:13:56,206 And that tuxedo is rented. 395 00:13:56,570 --> 00:13:58,542 No, please! Wait! 396 00:14:00,346 --> 00:14:02,379 - Aah! Stop! - Stop? What, no! 397 00:14:02,481 --> 00:14:04,748 He's enjoying the bed. No, he loves it in there. 398 00:14:04,850 --> 00:14:06,049 Don't. 399 00:14:06,152 --> 00:14:07,484 The robot told me everything. 400 00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:09,186 - Oh, I'm sorry, but I thought once he got... - Stop! Unh! 401 00:14:09,255 --> 00:14:10,721 I will stay for the wedding 402 00:14:10,756 --> 00:14:13,090 so as not to ruin Halsey and Derek's special day, 403 00:14:13,159 --> 00:14:15,225 but this partnership is off. 404 00:14:17,530 --> 00:14:18,562 What am I doing? 405 00:14:18,631 --> 00:14:20,164 Making a fool of yourself... 406 00:14:20,266 --> 00:14:22,633 what you have done the whole day. 407 00:14:22,668 --> 00:14:24,401 Yeah. I'm acting like an idiot. 408 00:14:24,503 --> 00:14:26,136 I mean, this was a stupid idea, 409 00:14:26,172 --> 00:14:28,372 trying to launch a whole new business at my age. 410 00:14:28,474 --> 00:14:29,773 I thought it would be fun, 411 00:14:29,842 --> 00:14:32,776 but I should've known I-I need to hang it up. 412 00:14:32,878 --> 00:14:34,545 I need a second. 413 00:14:35,548 --> 00:14:37,881 Dog beds are ridiculous and sad. 414 00:14:37,950 --> 00:14:39,683 But they're important to Jay. 415 00:14:39,752 --> 00:14:42,519 So I guess that loving someone means that you have to respect 416 00:14:42,621 --> 00:14:45,489 their idiotic, nauseating dreams. 417 00:14:45,558 --> 00:14:47,157 Hey, old-timer. 418 00:14:47,259 --> 00:14:48,525 I dig those wheels. 419 00:14:48,594 --> 00:14:51,795 Why is this vacuum cleaner talking to me?! 420 00:14:51,897 --> 00:14:53,464 Okay, we are definitely cutting it close, 421 00:14:53,532 --> 00:14:54,598 but I think we're gonna make it. 422 00:14:54,667 --> 00:14:56,567 You know, it's just that, uh, traditionally, 423 00:14:56,602 --> 00:14:58,502 the father of the bride calls the shots at these things. 424 00:14:58,810 --> 00:14:59,937 Oh, my goddess, Phil. 425 00:14:59,972 --> 00:15:02,639 By all means, let's return to traditional weddings. 426 00:15:02,675 --> 00:15:05,275 Perhaps you'd like to discuss the matter of Haley's dowry. 427 00:15:05,311 --> 00:15:07,511 Are you prepared to offer livestock or land? 428 00:15:07,580 --> 00:15:08,879 Farrah, I would defer to you 429 00:15:08,948 --> 00:15:10,514 if this were happening in your yurt. 430 00:15:10,583 --> 00:15:11,615 Fine. 431 00:15:11,684 --> 00:15:13,617 We'll settle this over a game of acorns. 432 00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:16,920 Put out your hands. 433 00:15:17,022 --> 00:15:18,856 Acorns, speak. 434 00:15:19,959 --> 00:15:22,082 Oh. Sorry, Phil. 435 00:15:22,117 --> 00:15:23,393 Best of 3. What am I doing? 436 00:15:23,462 --> 00:15:25,195 Okay, both of you, stop! 437 00:15:25,297 --> 00:15:26,697 You can both officiate, all right? 438 00:15:26,799 --> 00:15:28,465 Yeah, but won't that take twice as long? 439 00:15:28,534 --> 00:15:30,767 Uh, whoever's officiating, if you can carve out some time 440 00:15:30,803 --> 00:15:31,869 for a poem I've written. 441 00:15:31,937 --> 00:15:33,871 It's sort of a "Beowulf" meets "You've Got Mail." 442 00:15:33,873 --> 00:15:34,905 - Oh, God, no! No poems! - No! 443 00:15:34,974 --> 00:15:36,240 - Nobody wants a poem! - No one wants that! 444 00:15:36,342 --> 00:15:38,141 - Come on! Let's move this thing along! - Get it going! 445 00:15:38,177 --> 00:15:39,810 You need to give your "Sophie's Choice" ticket 446 00:15:39,912 --> 00:15:41,278 to the dog weirdo. 447 00:15:41,347 --> 00:15:42,980 My dad wants to see a musical? 448 00:15:43,048 --> 00:15:44,648 No, the other dog weirdo. 449 00:15:44,683 --> 00:15:47,351 Didn't you see how excited he got when he heard about it? 450 00:15:47,386 --> 00:15:49,086 Yeah, well, that's not happening. No, thank you. 451 00:15:49,154 --> 00:15:50,988 Think about all the sacrifices 452 00:15:51,090 --> 00:15:53,090 that your father has made for you. 453 00:15:53,192 --> 00:15:55,726 - Oh, I just don't care. - You're not gonna make it anyways. 454 00:15:55,794 --> 00:15:57,895 Y-Yes, we are, 'cause the wedding's about to start. 455 00:15:57,963 --> 00:15:59,596 - Here they come. - Is it? 456 00:15:59,698 --> 00:16:00,898 Excuse me. 457 00:16:00,966 --> 00:16:03,901 Um, before we start this beautiful ceremony, 458 00:16:03,969 --> 00:16:06,270 why don't we go around the room 459 00:16:06,338 --> 00:16:09,106 and talk about what this wedding means to us? 460 00:16:09,174 --> 00:16:10,841 Yeah, I don't think anybody wants to be put on the spot. 461 00:16:10,910 --> 00:16:12,109 Let's just get on with the wedding. 462 00:16:12,144 --> 00:16:15,078 To me, a marriage is not just the joining of two hearts. 463 00:16:15,147 --> 00:16:17,114 It's the melding of families. 464 00:16:17,182 --> 00:16:18,415 And can I just say this... 465 00:16:18,484 --> 00:16:19,850 - No! Sit down! - No! Sit down! 466 00:16:22,755 --> 00:16:23,787 Hey. 467 00:16:25,057 --> 00:16:26,857 Go on, go on. There you go. 468 00:16:26,926 --> 00:16:29,159 Are those... packing peanuts? 469 00:16:29,261 --> 00:16:30,961 I had 10 minutes and no budget. 470 00:16:31,030 --> 00:16:32,796 - This is happening. - Yep. 471 00:16:33,342 --> 00:16:35,198 What's this dog doing to Stella? 472 00:16:35,267 --> 00:16:36,767 Bad dog! No humping! 473 00:16:36,869 --> 00:16:38,068 Don't shame him! That's her fault. 474 00:16:38,170 --> 00:16:39,436 She's wagging her hips in his face! 475 00:16:39,538 --> 00:16:40,570 That's her dysplasia. 476 00:16:40,573 --> 00:16:41,705 And it's 2019. 477 00:16:41,807 --> 00:16:43,040 What he did is not okay! 478 00:16:43,142 --> 00:16:45,309 Uh-oh. Am I moving? 479 00:16:45,411 --> 00:16:46,810 Something's stuck! 480 00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:49,846 - Phil, I'm falling! - See, this... this... 481 00:16:49,915 --> 00:16:51,615 this is why I didn't want anyone here! 482 00:16:51,684 --> 00:16:53,517 This is why I wanted to elope! 483 00:16:53,586 --> 00:16:56,453 Haley, I know you're upset, but this is your family. 484 00:16:56,555 --> 00:16:57,588 Who are you?! 485 00:16:57,690 --> 00:16:59,122 Okay, enough! Enough. 486 00:16:59,191 --> 00:17:00,857 Dylan, Haley, in the kitchen... now! 487 00:17:00,926 --> 00:17:03,694 - Nice shoes! - I am, uh, so sorry, folks. 488 00:17:03,762 --> 00:17:05,262 This is... This is gonna take a little while. 489 00:17:05,364 --> 00:17:07,631 Maybe Alex and Bill can play something. 490 00:17:07,700 --> 00:17:08,765 - No! No! - No! No! 491 00:17:08,834 --> 00:17:10,133 - We're not gonna make it, are we? - Okay, no. 492 00:17:10,235 --> 00:17:12,402 - We're not gonna make it! - It... It doesn't look like it. 493 00:17:12,404 --> 00:17:13,503 Hey, um... 494 00:17:13,572 --> 00:17:16,139 Hi. My dad wanted you to have these tickets. 495 00:17:16,208 --> 00:17:18,241 Great Danes! Thank you! 496 00:17:18,310 --> 00:17:20,911 Not so fast. You still have something to do. 497 00:17:22,308 --> 00:17:24,093 Listen. Listen to me. 498 00:17:24,128 --> 00:17:25,182 I don't want to hear it, Mom. 499 00:17:26,018 --> 00:17:26,950 Run. 500 00:17:26,952 --> 00:17:28,452 - What?! - Yeah. 501 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,854 We're really sorry that this all got away from us. 502 00:17:30,923 --> 00:17:33,824 But all we care about is that you're happy. 503 00:17:33,892 --> 00:17:36,727 And you should have the wedding you want. 504 00:17:37,533 --> 00:17:39,363 Your mom's right. 505 00:17:40,021 --> 00:17:41,198 We eloped, and I still think of it 506 00:17:41,266 --> 00:17:43,667 as one of the best days of my life. 507 00:17:43,736 --> 00:17:45,569 It still seems like the last day we were alone. 508 00:17:46,327 --> 00:17:47,738 Wow. 509 00:17:47,806 --> 00:17:50,474 - That's... - Oh, honey. 510 00:17:50,542 --> 00:17:52,042 The four of you better get going, huh? 511 00:17:52,144 --> 00:17:53,176 Yeah. 512 00:17:53,278 --> 00:17:54,478 Ohh, my babies. 513 00:17:54,580 --> 00:17:56,313 - I love you, guys. - Love you, guys. 514 00:17:56,382 --> 00:17:58,215 Bye. Bye. 515 00:18:01,620 --> 00:18:04,655 - You okay? - Not really, no. 516 00:18:04,723 --> 00:18:06,623 I hate that we're not gonna be there. 517 00:18:06,692 --> 00:18:09,660 I always assumed we would be at her wedding. 518 00:18:09,728 --> 00:18:10,994 Is that selfish? 519 00:18:11,377 --> 00:18:12,457 No. 520 00:18:13,098 --> 00:18:14,665 It's only fair. 521 00:18:15,768 --> 00:18:16,800 She was at ours. 522 00:18:16,802 --> 00:18:18,835 Mm. She was. 523 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:22,906 Look at this. 524 00:18:23,008 --> 00:18:25,876 He posted one minute ago. It's already got 5,000 likes. 525 00:18:25,944 --> 00:18:28,979 - Thank you. - I love you. 526 00:18:29,048 --> 00:18:32,649 And the only thing less sexy than a dog bed is a quitter, 527 00:18:32,718 --> 00:18:34,117 and I didn't marry a quitter. 528 00:18:34,219 --> 00:18:36,486 - I married an angel. - Yes, you did! 529 00:18:36,555 --> 00:18:38,922 Could I have everyone's attention? Um... 530 00:18:38,991 --> 00:18:40,824 I just want to say that most of you 531 00:18:40,893 --> 00:18:42,392 are very important to us. 532 00:18:42,461 --> 00:18:44,194 But the wedding's off, and thanks for coming. 533 00:18:44,296 --> 00:18:45,595 - What?! - You got to be kidding me! 534 00:18:45,631 --> 00:18:47,497 This is an outrage. I will never forgive you. 535 00:18:47,566 --> 00:18:49,266 Perhaps the two of you would like to sing a song? 536 00:18:49,368 --> 00:18:50,701 ? Choices, impossible ? 537 00:18:50,803 --> 00:18:51,902 - ? Choices ? - ? Choices, impossible ? 538 00:18:51,904 --> 00:18:52,969 - ? Choices ? - ? Why are there so many ? 539 00:18:52,971 --> 00:18:54,504 ? Voices ? 540 00:18:54,606 --> 00:18:56,840 ? Choices and voices and voices ? 541 00:18:59,278 --> 00:19:00,844 Mom? Dad? 542 00:19:00,946 --> 00:19:03,647 - Oh, honey. - Hey. 543 00:19:03,716 --> 00:19:04,915 Hey. How did it go? 544 00:19:05,348 --> 00:19:08,288 Uh, we... didn't go through with it. 545 00:19:08,323 --> 00:19:10,687 - What? - We were at this 24-hour chapel, 546 00:19:10,789 --> 00:19:13,023 and they called our names, but... 547 00:19:13,092 --> 00:19:15,125 something about it just didn't feel right. 548 00:19:15,786 --> 00:19:17,694 Sweetheart, it's okay. 549 00:19:17,796 --> 00:19:19,563 You'll know when it's the right time. 550 00:19:19,631 --> 00:19:20,697 Mm-hmm. 551 00:19:20,699 --> 00:19:22,799 That's why I'm here. 552 00:19:23,769 --> 00:19:25,736 I thought about what you said 553 00:19:25,804 --> 00:19:28,038 about how I should have the wedding that I want. 554 00:19:28,073 --> 00:19:29,206 Mm-hmm. 555 00:19:29,308 --> 00:19:32,442 Well, the wedding that I want has you guys there. 556 00:19:38,050 --> 00:19:40,884 And, like the nuptial antler, 557 00:19:40,986 --> 00:19:43,153 your bond will never be broken. 558 00:19:44,823 --> 00:19:46,223 Take us home, Phil. 559 00:19:49,495 --> 00:19:54,931 And so, by the powers vested in me by NoPainOrdain.com, 560 00:19:56,021 --> 00:19:58,101 I pronounce you, Dylan... 561 00:19:58,203 --> 00:20:00,070 and you, Haley... 562 00:20:01,006 --> 00:20:03,073 husband... 563 00:20:04,476 --> 00:20:05,508 ...and wife. 564 00:20:07,279 --> 00:20:10,147 Hey! Kiss her already! 565 00:20:10,249 --> 00:20:12,249 Oh, my God. 566 00:20:15,910 --> 00:20:18,145 - You wanted to talk to me? - Yeah. Um... 567 00:20:18,178 --> 00:20:19,646 It's been bothering me the last few days 568 00:20:19,679 --> 00:20:21,481 that since they were gonna elope, Dylan never came to me 569 00:20:21,515 --> 00:20:22,716 and asked for Haley's hand in marriage. 570 00:20:22,749 --> 00:20:23,984 Yeah. 571 00:20:24,018 --> 00:20:25,052 Well, then it occurred to me that, 572 00:20:25,085 --> 00:20:26,653 since Claire and I eloped, 573 00:20:26,686 --> 00:20:30,557 I never officially asked you for her hand in marriage. 574 00:20:30,590 --> 00:20:32,559 - So, uh... - So ask me. 575 00:20:32,713 --> 00:20:33,760 Okay. 576 00:20:34,264 --> 00:20:35,362 Jay... 577 00:20:35,595 --> 00:20:37,564 I love your daughter very much, and I would like your... 578 00:20:37,597 --> 00:20:38,932 Nope. 579 00:20:40,266 --> 00:20:41,768 That's very funny. Um... 580 00:20:41,801 --> 00:20:44,070 But seriously, I would very much like your blessing... 581 00:20:44,103 --> 00:20:45,939 Sorry. I've got several concerns. 582 00:20:45,972 --> 00:20:46,973 I'm not on board. 583 00:20:47,006 --> 00:20:49,108 You realize this is just a-a formality. 584 00:20:49,142 --> 00:20:50,410 We've been married for almost 25 years. 585 00:20:50,444 --> 00:20:52,979 And the entire time, without my blessing. 586 00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:55,749 - Okay, how many dog beds is this gonna cost me? - Five. 587 00:20:55,782 --> 00:20:56,750 - Three. - Four. 588 00:20:56,783 --> 00:20:57,951 - Done. - Blessed! 589 00:21:01,465 --> 00:21:03,513 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com